Holidays on Ice Quotes

“If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“Sallie Mae sounds like a naive and barefoot hillbilly girl but in fact they are a ruthless and aggressive conglomeration of bullies located in a tall brick building somewhere in Kansas. I picture it to be the tallest building in that state and I have decided they hire their employees straight out of prison.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game. ”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“But at the end of every show we would realize that true happiness often lies where you very least expect it. It might arrive in a form of a gentle breeze or a handful of peanuts, but when it came, we would seize it with our own brand of folksy wisdom.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“In the role of Mary, six-year-old Shannon Burke just barely manages to pass herself off as a virgin.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“We were standing near the Lollipop Forest when we realized that Santa is an anagram of Satan... Overhearing the customers we would substitute the Satan for the world Santa.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“There was a big “Sesame Street Live” extravaganza over at Madison Square Garden, so thousands of people decided to make a day of it and go straight from Sesame Street to Santa. We were packed today, absolutely packed, and everyone was cranky. Once the line gets long we break it up into four different lines because anyone in their right mind would leave if they knew it would take over two hours to see Santa. Two hours — you could see a movie in two hours. Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they’re not living in a democratic nation. People stand in line for two hours and they go over the edge. I was sent into the hallway to direct the second phase of the line. The hallway was packed with people, and all of them seemed to stop me with a question: which way to the down escalator, which way to the elevator, the Patio Restaurant, gift wrap, the women’s rest room, Trim-A-Tree. There was a line for Santa and a line for the women’s bathroom, and one woman, after asking me a dozen questions already, asked, “Which is the line for the women’s bathroom?” I shouted that I thought it was the line with all the women in it. She said, “I’m going to have you fired.” I had two people say that to me today, “I’m going to have you fired.” Go ahead, be my guest. I’m wearing a green velvet costume; it doesn’t get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are? “I’m going to have you fired!” and I wanted to lean over and say, “I’m going to have you killed.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable downsing that is sure to follow.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“I’m going to have you fired!” and I wanted to lean over and say, “I’m going to have you killed.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“The approach of Christmas signifies three things: bad movies, unforgivable television, and even worse theater. I’m talking bone-crushing theater, the type our ancient ancestors used to oppress their enemies before the invention of the stretching rack.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“At noon a huge crowd of retarded people came to visit Santa and passed me on my little island. These people were profoundly retarded. They were rolling their eyes and wagging their tongues and staggering toward Santa. It was a large group of retarded people and after watching them for a few minutes I could not begin to guess where the retarded people ended and the regular New Yorkers began.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“A Dutch parent has a decidedly hairier story to relate, telling his children, “Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will be coming tonight along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you into a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you. We don’t know for sure, but we want you to be prepared.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable downswing that is sure to follow. The guests will repeat themselves one too many times, or you’ll run out of dope or liquor and realize that it was all you ever had in common. At the time, though, I still believed that such a warm and heady feeling might last forever and that in embracing it fully, I might approximate the same wistful feeling adults found in their second round of drinks.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“Pointing to the oversized crate that served as a manger, one particularly insufficient wise man proclaimed, “A child is bored.” Yes, well, so was this adult.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“A wise man once said that in order to communicate, you have to be able to speak in someone else’s language.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“Sallie Mae sounds like a naive and barefoot hillbilly girl but in fact they are a ruthless and aggressive conglomeration of bullies located in a tall brick building somewhere in Kansas. I picture it to be the tallest building in that state and I have decided they hire their employees straight out of prison. It scares me.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I’m afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you’re bad he comes to your house and steals things.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“Under certain circumstances parental pride is understandable but it has no place in the theater, where it tends to encourage a child to believe in a talent that, more often than not, simply fails to exist.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you’re bad he comes to your house and steals things. I told Riley that if he didn’t behave himself, Santa was going to take away his TV and all his electrical appliances and leave him in the dark. “All your appliances, including the refrigerator. Your food is going to spoil and smell bad. It’s going to be so cold and dark where you are. Man, Riley, are you ever going to suffer. You’re going to wish you never heard the name Santa.” The woman got a worried look on her face and said, “All right, that’s enough.” I said, “He’s going to take your car and your furniture and all the towels and blankets and leave you with nothing.” The mother said, “No, that’s enough, really.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“By Thanksgiving I was imagining people naked rather than dead and naked, which was an improvement.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“By this point in my stay, my list of don’ts covered three pages and included such reminders as: never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk near a train, and never, under any circumstances, cut off your air supply while masturbating. This last one is a nationwide epidemic, and it’s surprising the number of men who do it while dressed in their wife’s clothing, most often while she is out of town. To”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice