The Way of Whips and Chains:

BDSM as Life Path

– sasha, May, 2001
for Lady Carol & Lady Kay

Thus every living and healthy religion has a marked idiosyncrasy. Its power consists in
its special and surprising message and in the bias which that revelation gives to life.
The vistas it opens and the mysteries it propounds are another world to live in; and
another world to live in–whether we expect ever to pass wholly over into it or no–is
what we mean by having a religion.
George Santayana, Reason in Religion

Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help
from us.
Rainer Maria Rilke, Love and Other Difficulties

My sexual imagination has leaned toward servitude, bondage and corporal

punishment since the age of seven or eight, as far back as I remember having
sexual thoughts at all. Growing up in New York City, BDSM erotica and profes-
sional Dom(me)s were readily available; and I had my first real-life experiences
in the Scene while I was in my twenties, long before microcomputers and the
Internet had made it easy for people of our interest to find each other. I was
married twice, became a father, became interested in martial arts and oriental
philosophy, then in religious thought and philosophy in general; but all this time
my sexual inclination remained a secret vice, well insulated from the rest of my
life. It was not till I was in my forties that I began to notice parallels between
these leanings and my readings in myth, anthropology, and comparative religion,
only then that I began to feel that these fantasies both demanded and deserved to
be taken seriously. Gradually, I ceased to be ashamed of them. By equal steps, as
I opened up about them–to myself, to my second wife, and to my closest friends–I
began to understand them in a new and positive light. This essay is the result. My
purpose here is to set down what I think I’ve learned over these years about the
Scene’s religious and spiritual dimension.

1. Context
The linking of sex and pain with spirituality is not peculiar to BDSM. The
Christian imagination, beginning with the image of crucified Jesus, is shot
through with it, for example. But, in our game (or lifestyle) this three-way
association is surely the central mystery. A brisk spanking across my lady’s knee
is not just foreplay–not just a way of commencing, embellishing and prolonging
our love-making. At the same time, it has hardly ever been taken to a level that
could be punishing; and when she is really angry with me, my lady finds other
ways to make me feel it. More than sex-play and not true punishment, the

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paddling feels quite different from either: some kind of profane ritual with both
sexual and religious overtones. In the nature of ritual, it cannot be explained in
words, but is communicated only in its own terms. Yet explanations are
needed–to make our rituals intelligible to ourselves, to intimate friends outside the
Scene who know what we are into, and to the world at large. The choice is either
to give some public account of our cult, defend our sexual/spiritual activities and
risk the consequences of coming out, or else to stay “in the closet.” There is no
question but that the former is healthier.
My project then is to discuss BDSM as a “variety of religious experience1.”
Briefly, I think the most satisfying of our scenes play a role in our lives
comparable to that of religious ritual and meditation, as well as sexual magic. An
act of worship is performed: men and women attempt to connect to divinity and
the sacred in a systematic and reliable way. What this actually means needs
explanation though, because all these concepts–religion, ritual, magic, worship,
divinity and the sacred–are anything but clear. Between the efforts of established
churches to monopolize such words, and those of materialists and positivists to
abolish them, it is not easy for modern-minded people to use them without
embarrassment. As we’ll see, however, beneath the turbulence of religious
politics each has a fairly precise meaning.
The stumbling block is to recognize and concede that divinity is a category of
the human psyche and experience, not some lurking Ghost behind the fabric of the
universe. This single issue has caused more intellectual confusion, more cruelty
and more waste of life than any I can think of. Nor is consensus in sight. So I
must take pains here to explain just what I mean in speaking of BDSM as a
religion, and must ask my reader to put her own convictions aside for a moment,
and try to follow me: What I am suggesting here is that all our gods and
goddesses are human projections onto life, nature and the universe, but not less
“real” or important to us for being so. They do not exist in the same sense that
planets are seen to exist, but rather in the sense that constellations do. There is
nothing superstitious about seeing or pointing out Orion or the Dipper, so long as
we own them as our own constructions.
From that starting point, what I will offer is a discussion of BDSM’s theology
for those who can accept that such discussion is neither meaningless, nor
blasphemous, nor yet a form of research into the real nature of things.
Theology–defined by my Oxford dictionary as “the rational analysis of a religious
faith”–is a legitimate discipline and a profound one, but the word faith now, needs
to be carefully understood. It does not mean belief in the literal truth and facticity
of some religious doctrine. Nor is it mere clinging (in Mark Twain’s delicious
phrase) to what you know damned well ain’t so. Faith is best understood as a
cognitive ability or tendency or commitment: the ability to see things in a certain
way, and the tendency or commitment to do so. There is an act of faith even in

1
In terms, then, that W illiam James might have found intelligible.

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taking the time to read this page: some trust that you will find interesting
meanings in the ink marks, that may prove helpful when you lay the page aside to
get on with your life.
A comparable act of faith is involved when we project the categories of
human sexuality and thought onto the natural world, seeing a Goddess behind its
fertility, nurturance and cruelty or a God behind its order, logic, and law. Here too
we find meanings; and we can scarcely help but rely on these (or other) systems
of meaning, because without them, the choices of everyday life would be
impossible. We cannot get ourselves across the street without some animal trust
that familiar things will behave in predictable ways, that our actions will have
predictable consequences and, above all, that our values are somehow anchored in
and relevant to the natural order of things.
Just here we find the gap that science leaves to myth and religion: Science
tells us more than religion ever did about the behaviour of objects and about the
consequences of our actions, but nothing helpful about our values. Specifically,
it cannot help us compose ourselves to face nature or other people without fear or
shame or disgust. It augments political and economic power, but gives no
guidance at all on how this power should be distributed and used amongst the
individuals of a society. In sum then, being value-neutral, science and technology
can increase our options but cannot tell us how to choose amongst them. They
leave us at loose ends, uncertain what to do with ourselves. The further they
advance, the more divisive and paralysing this uncertainty becomes.
Here some form of faith takes over (possibly, scientism–as distinct from
authentic science), to supply the values without which knowledge and skill are
useless. Faith comes in many varieties, and tends to bring people together in
groups, while dividing such groups from one another. It needs to be nurtured and
cultivated, and comes easiest when it is shared. Thus it is entirely possible–in
fact, necessary–for rational people to find some form of faith, to give them a sense
of direction, a sense of purpose, a source of value to make their lives worth living.
At this level, faith and love are almost the same thing. What we put faith in, we
can scarcely help but love; and to love something or someone, involves a certain
faith that our love will be requited, or at least not abused or betrayed. For most of
us, one of the readiest forms of love is sexual love; one of the most accessible
sources of love is our sexuality. This brings us back to BDSM, which I propose to
discuss here as a faith or cult (i.e. culture) or religion of sexuality–a cult that I
discovered for myself as quite a young boy. Along with the cult of ideas and
books and letters that I absorbed from my father, and the cult of aikido, a Japanese
martial art that I fell into as a young adult, that of BDSM has sustained me all my
life; and I at last feel able to discuss it alongside of, and on terms of equal dignity
with the others.
In doing so, I’ll be referring and drawing comparisons to several more
respectable traditions of spiritual practice and religious thought:
• to the Christian tradition whose hostility to sexuality BDSM dissents from,

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 and attempts to overcome;
• to the revived (or re-invented) Wiccan tradition which, like our own cult,
recognizes and seeks to integrate the Dark Side, and understands Sex as the
sacred energy of Nature;
• to the tradition of Yoga, on the whole also sympathetic to sexuality, which
rejects the dualist conception of mind and body, offering comprehensive and
sophisticated methods for their integration;
• to the Zen Buddhist tradition, from which I borrow the central notion of this
essay–liberation, enlightenment (or whatever you like to call it).

My project is to locate our cult with reference to these four traditions. For
convenience, and because it is my own situation, I write about a male submissive
being worked and trained by a female Dominant, but this is only a convention, to
avoid awkwardness with pronouns. Almost nothing I will say would have to be
altered for some different combination.
A final introductory note: The words ”spirit” and “spiritual” have acquired
so much superstitious freight as to have become almost useless for serious
discussion. I mean them quite simply, however, in the sense we use in speaking
of a spirited musical performance, or a spirited horse. Spiritual work, as I
understand it, aims at integrating mind and body (which are “not two,” as a
Japanese proverb exclaims). It aims at increasing vital energy, at raising, at
clarifying and purifying consciousness, at healing and transcending one’s own
personal history and the human condition in general, to the extent this may be
possible. Please forget any associations you have with religious emblems and
rituals, with practices of self-denial and self-abnegation, with crystals, feathers,
sticks of incense, or holy chants. At best, these are the tools of a spiritual
technology: a means to distract, compose or focus the mind while something else
is going on. The risk of using them, as with any technology, is that they readily
become mere toys and fetish objects: ends and entertainments in themselves. The
whips and chains of BDSM represent a very powerful technology of this kind.
The risk of mistaking means for ends in our own cult is proportionately even
greater.
Since I don’t believe in ghosts, for me the words “spirit” or “soul”
correspond roughly to the region of overlap between the body’s vitality (its drives,
desires and passions) and the mind’s representations, dreams and intentions–our
breath-rhythms and glandular secretions somehow linking these zones. The
varied activities of BDSM all seem to play in this region; the Scene as a whole is
one of the most direct and powerful means I know for exploring it. For that very
reason, it is also one of the most difficult to teach or follow as a coherent
Path–being extraordinarily demanding and threatening, on one hand, while
collapsing readily into mere obscenity and self-indulgence. The person wishing to
use our thing as a vehicle of spiritual development must find a sane balance
amongst emotional forces that can be overwhelming.

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2. Precedents and Distinctions
A man is strung up naked by the wrists while a woman stripes his back with a
flogger. What is going on?
It depends on context, obviously. It could be torture of a prisoner for
information. It could be torture voluntarily accepted as a test of will and
endurance in what I’d call the athletics of pain. In the ante-bellum South, it could
have been punishment of a delinquent slave by his mistress. Even today, it could
be the legally sanctioned punishment of an offender. Or it could be punishment
consensually endured by a submissive who has granted his mistress the right to
discipline him in this fashion. On the other hand, it could be sex play–with or
without the free consent of the victim. It could be a very intense, stress-relieving
massage, or a sensual experience enjoyed for its own sake, without much heavy
baggage. But finally, it could be some form of religious ritual–possibly without,
but preferably with the victim’s free consent. We are concerned only with the last
of these possibilities.
If it is not safe, sane and above all, freely consensual it is (by definition) not
BDSM but some different thing that we want no part of. If it is for sexual or
recreational purposes alone, it is perfectly legitimate on its own terms and lots of
fun for those (like myself) whose tastes run that way, but it is not what interests
me here. If it is consensual punishment within a BDSM relationship it is likewise
outside my scope. There are all kinds of reasons why two individuals may define
their relationship in terms of “power exchange,” but most of these are not my
concern here. Nor am I concerned with the purely “psychedelic” uses of
flagellation (or BDSM techniques in general), though these come nearer the mark.
My sole concern here is with BDSM relationships and transactions practised
consciously as what the Buddhists call a Vehicle, to lead the soul through a change
of state.
The goal of this change has different names in different traditions, all
seeming to refer to roughly the same experience. Buddhists call it Enlightenment
or Liberation. Christians call it Grace, or Redemption or Salvation, or being Born
Again. In Montreal, I once knew a Zen master from a Calvinist background who
despised all these words, and liked that to say that meditation was for getting to
Massachusetts. For BDSM people, escape from the dungeon would seem the
appropriate metaphor; and this figure has a respectable pedigree from Plato’s The
Republic, where the soul’s condition is likened to that of a prisoner, chained in a
cave in dim torch light, seeing only the flickering shadows on the wall before him.
The great question is: What would one see who found some way to break his
shackles, and escape his soul’s prison into the full light of day?
I am writing, then, about BDSM practised as a way to Massachusetts, or out
of the dungeon, whatever exactly this means. By any name, the experience is full
of paradox. It is said to be wonderful but, also nothing very special. It changes
everything, but leaves everything the same. You must work hard for it, but must
finally be given it: Nothing you do can earn it. The work is to prepare yourself to

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recognize and receive the gift when it comes.
Now, the use and voluntary acceptance of spanking, whipping, bondage and
related practices, not just as retribution but from religious, spiritual, therapeutic or
reconciliatory motives is very ancient. In fact, the intimate connections between
sexuality and aggression, between sexual surrender and submission, between
voluptuousness and pain, are certainly older than our own species. Students of
animal behaviour report intricate courtship rituals involving aggressive gestures,
bracketed with signs that declare: "I'm only kidding; this is play". In the throes of
sexual passion, many creatures will accept and seem to relish a degree of mauling
that would otherwise be painful. Primate species are known to use presenting and
mounting behaviour as an appeasement ritual–with social status and conflict
resolution, rather than sexual expression, as the issue. When a baboon decides to
resign an intimidation contest with a more dominant adversary, he turns round,
drops his head and shoulders, and presents his bright pink arse. The winner
usually responds by mounting the offered bottom, and asserting his sexual rights
with a few perfunctory thrusts. Combat is averted through a very clear
suggestion: "Make love, not war!". Or, in yet plainer English: "I will not resist;
you may screw me as you please!"
When we come to the human animal, anthropologists and cultural historians
report a bewildering variety of flagellation rituals for purposes of initiation,
sacrifice, consciousness raising, fertility magic, healing and atonement. Nor are
these purposes necessarily distinct. For example, the theme of sacrifice to the
gods might well be present in rites directed at fertility or healing or the
purification of warriors; A girl’s menarche ceremonies might involve ritual
flagellation conceived as fertility magic. The psychedelic effects of ritual pain
would be present almost regardless of its application, so long as it was basically
consensual. Thus, it seems likely that modern BDSM, in all its variety, is just a
re-appearance of very old shamanic practices, themselves employed for purposes
not always clear, or clearly distinguishable.
The sexual dimension of these practices we have to recognize and factor out,
as best we can. Good sex is itself a psychedelic experience; yet there is much
more to peak experience than sexual arousal and climax. Sex is one aspect of
BDSM. But there is much more to BDSM than sex.
Today, as always, sex is a source of tremendous psychic energy for every
form of magic aimed at “psyching people up” for work or war or buying sprees or
anything else. But, for that very reason, if not properly channelled, it can
represent a formidable threat to the established social order–especially to a pre-
modern order, where kinship ties are paramount. Accordingly, flagellation rites
have often been distinctly counter-cultural. Authorities tend to fear enthusiasm
whipped up among the masses2.
Not enough is known to reconstruct the history of such rites with certainty,

2
See Euripides’ play, The Bacchae, still very relevant and very readable.

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and I am not a scholar in any case. All I would claim is that there appear to be
strong continuities between those ancient practices and our own. If this is so, then
BDSM as we know it is heir to a vexed religious heritage involving “pagan”
nature wo rship on the Female side (so to speak), and monotheist word-and-law
worship on the Male side. It has been head magic against belly magic, in Camille
Paglia’s language: the fertile mind against the fertile womb. Thus we find ritual
flagellation used in old pagan and neo-pagan ceremonies to kindle fire in the
flesh. But we also find it used by hermits and monks to mortify the flesh, and by
penitents to atone for fleshly sins. And we find it used on young people of both
sexes in rites of passage and initiation, to underscore the meaning, duties and
value of their new status, as something suffered and dearly paid for3.
In theological terms, modern BDSM should probably be seen as part of the
contemporary neo-pagan revolt against a Christian order that was itself an uneasy
synthesis of disparate monotheist and pagan traditions. One aspect of the neo-
pagan revolt is a rejection of body-mind dualism. We know too much now about
neurophysiology and the endocrine system to be happy with a theory of body,
mind and soul as disparate substances.

3. Stages of Practice
Bodhidharma, who journeyed across the Himalayas to introduce Buddhism into
China, wrote the following lines to characterize his teaching:
A special transmission outside the scriptures.
No reliance upon words or letters.
Seeing into the nature of things.
Direct pointing to the heart of man.

The practice of Zen and similar disciplines is not fundamentally a matter of

doctrine. It is a special teaching beyond verbal exposition or explanation, cutting
beneath conceptual thought to a visceral level of understanding.
Its stages are described in a famous sequence of verses and drawings, called
Ten Steps in the Taming of a Bull, or more simply, The Ox-Herding Pictures. The
Bull is that primal energy that animates and drives each one of us. Its relation to
our conscious, civilized selves has long been recognized as something of a
problem. Should it be allowed to run wild? In English we have an expression
about “a bull in a china shop.” Should it be dominated, repressed and finally
killed by the superior intelligence and self-discipline of the man? For a long time,

3
It is odd, but apt when you think about it, finding the same flagellatory practices deployed on both
sides of these issues. One striking theme of BDSM, recurring in its literature, is the unequal
contest between mind and body–will and pain. Thus, what is sometimes called “the drama of
punishment” is surely this: the mind’s struggle to endure and transcend, the meltdown of coherent
identity in the agony of flesh. It will be one kind of ceremony if the patient’s will is allowed to win
this contest with pain–quite another if his endurance is overcome and broken.

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the Western world believed so, and the Spanish bullfight represents that outcome.
Should it be teased, provoked and played with as the ancient Cretan bull-leapers
seem to have attempted? In Yoga and Zen practice, the desired outcome is a
taming and re-integration with this bull, and the Ox-Herding Pictures show us the
steps through which such reintegration most usually and safely is accomplished4.

• The first drawing is called “The Search for the Bull.” The man feels that
something is missing, but does not know what it is or where to find it. He
wanders through the world looking for something, he knows not what. In our
terms, this is the stage of ignorance. About BDSM you know only that it is
something involving whips, that some weird people do. Your life–in
particular, your sex life–may be a little dull but you have no idea what would
make it better. That you yourself might do, or be interested in BDSM has
never occurred to you. You may not know there is such a thing. What you
do know is that there is something you want or need that you are not getting.
You are trying to figure out what that might be. Thus, perhaps without even
knowing it, you are already on a quest, though not yet on a Path.
• The second drawing is called “Discovering the Footprints.” The man catches
hints of that missing vitality, but has not yet seen or named it. But now, at
least, there is a trail to follow. His searching becomes more focussed, more
systematic. Again in our terms, this is the stage of self-discovery that
culminates in coming out to yourself. You notice that certain ways of
dressing turn you on, certain scenes in movies, certain passages in books.
You do not know quite what to make of this kinky taste of yours, but have
become aware that pictures, descriptions and implements of discipline grab
your attention and make your pulse beat faster. This discovery is important
as a clue to your dark side, to your repressed desire, and to the sources of
your life’s energy. It may not feel that way at first but, without knowing it,
you have actually made important progress. If you have the courage to
recognize the clue you’ve found and follow where it points, you will no
longer be wandering aimlessly, but on a Path at last. When you graduate
from collecting BDSM erotica to chatting on the Internet, looking for a play-
partner or visiting a professional Mistress, you are already at the third stage.
A sad thing about our Scene is that so many people never get beyond the
porn. They may flirt with the Scene for a lifetime, without recognizing it as
something they want or need to do.

• The third drawing is called “Perceiving the Bull,” and shows a picture of the

4
These pictures are easily available on the Internet and in books about Zen, so there is no need to
reproduce them here. For example, see http://www.zen-mtn.org/zmm/gallery3.htm for the version
I have relied on. The drawings are by Master Jikihara; the verses by Master K’uo-An.

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 bull’s hindquarters (how very apt!) poking out from behind a tree. It is well
said that “Any path can be a Path,” but finding one’s own is no easy matter.
But now, at last, this man’s search is over. He has found a practice that
“turns him on,” as we say. Now he can recognize it, knows where to find it.
In Zen, let’s say, or in a martial art, “perceiving the Bull” is more or less the
same thing as joining a zendo or dojo and starting to practice. Once you
know where your personal “bull” is to be found, it is straightforward to join
the people already playing or working with it. For the Scene, when I was a
young man such places were barely beginning to exist in a few metropolitan
cities. Even now, they may be difficult to find or awkward to join. What do
you do, for example, if you live in a town where there is no real privacy, or in
a small city, where Scene people meet and play furtively, but have not yet
organized a “munch?” What do you do if you are married to a rigidly
“vanilla” partner who will not even discuss this interest of yours, let alone try
to share it?

• In the fourth drawing, called “Catching the Bull,” the man actually lassoes
the huge animal and tries to hold. him. Finally, he comes to grips with what
he has been seeking. He actually gets into a serious practice. But now the
real struggle begins. It is one thing to do BDSM scenes for the turn on–from
time to time, or even very frequently. Taking the thing seriously, to the point
of trying to learn something from it, or to grow as a human being within it, is
something else. It took me almost twenty years to make this transition; and
though it is much easier today, with all the information and discussion
available on the Internet, it is still no trivial step. Even where no longer
underground, BDSM is definitely not respectable–not yet recognized by
mainstream culture as an acceptable sexual inclination, let alone a spiritual
path. Coming out of the closet, accomplished twenty years ago by the gay
movement, still takes a lot of social courage. In this climate, the idea that
BDSM might be a “Way” is just appearing on the horizon of the thinkable5.

• The fifth drawing is called “Taming the Bull.” Authentic practice has a
double nature. On one hand, it seeks to liberate the ki, the vital energy of
existence. On the other, it seeks to bring it under control–to tame and
domesticate it, so to speak. In the Scene, as in martial arts and most other
serious disciplines, this issue is especially critical. Which fantasies should be
lived and which should be left as fantasy is something all players need to
learn, since many things that are exciting to contemplate are too dangerous
(or actually harmful) for acceptable play. The last thing a successful
Dom(me) can afford to be is. . . an uncontrolled sadist. Flirting with and
expressing your sadism, is one thing. Letting it take you over is something

5
See bibliography for a partial list of worthwhile books and web sites.

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 else. Correspondingly, subs must learn to keep their masochism under
control, and may come to real harm if they do not. We all have to steer clear
of minors–for ethical, not merely legal reasons, because young people cannot
give valid consent. They are not yet sufficiently experienced or self-
possessed to understand what they are consenting to. This may be a concern
with some legal adults as well.
The need to domesticate one’s personal Bull is in no way peculiar to the
Scene. Martial arts people, especially those whose aggressive impulses
brought them to the dojo in the first place, must learn to stay out of fights and
avoid injuring their practice partners. People into macro-biotic eating must
avoid pursuing their diets to the point of anorexia. People on any Path must
learn not to bore their friends with its gruesome details.
A central point here is that the Scene’s ethic of “Safe, Sane and
Consensual” does not fully resolve the problem of taming the Bull–and
would not do so, even if we had some coherent way of deciding which
practices are sane and which are not. Some people I know have greatly
enriched their lives and sexual relationships through their involvement in
BDSM. Others have impoverished their lives. No Way is without its
casualties, but it is part of the task of a competent teacher to keep these to a
minimum. For years now, the Scene has been grappling with the problem of
organizing competent instruction for beginners, and support systems for
everyone. These things are not proving easy, although great progress has
been made; and it is important that we get clear on where the problems lie.

• The sixth drawing is called “Riding the Bull Home.” Here we have the
image of the minotaur–the man and bull as one. The man sits on the beast’s
back playing his flute6, as the animal slowly wanders homeward. No
guidance is needed. The bull can find the way for both of them. Here we
have the image of perfect wholeness, perfect integration. For us, the idea
might be of a Dom(me), charged with erotic power, and perfectly in
command of it and of herself. Or it might be the sub all naked, poised and
glowing who keeps a perfect dignity and self-possession as he is worked and
used and “punished.” Either way, “Riding the Bull Home” is a lovely image
of what the Scene at its best can offer. In fact, of what every true Way offers:
mind and body, conscious and sub-conscious, thought and desire, no longer
quarrelling, but in harmony. It is a wonderful promise, but it is not the end of
the story.

• The seventh drawing is called “The Bull Transcended.” It shows the man
inside his thatched hut looking out its window, as the bull grazes peacefully
near by. In some versions the animal has disappeared entirely. Its verse

6
Yes, you have a dirty mind–but the flute is in the picture!

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 begins, “Astride the bull I reach home. I am serene. The bull too can rest.”
The idea, I think, is that the man has travelled so far along the path, and is
now so fully at one with it that there is no longer any separation between
himself and his practice. BDSM is no longer so very special. It’s just
something you do and are; something so thoroughly part of you that you’ve
forgotten what it was like to be without it.
• The eighth drawing is called “Both Bull and Self Transcended,” and it is just
an empty circle. The text (I quote one version in full) reads:
Whip, rope, person, and bull
all merge in No Thing.
This heaven is so vast,
no message can stain it.
How may a snowflake exist
in a raging fire?
Here are the footprints of
the Ancestors.

Sometimes likened to an abyss, sometimes to the summit of a high mountain,

the Void can be a terrifying place. Nothing can live there, but the creatures of
all dreams and nightmares are starkly visible. It is the background of every
figure, the Emptiness in which all ideas (even the idea of Self) are formed.
A scary place it can be, but the Void is also the ground of creativity and
peace and Being. Zen monks train to experience it by gazing at a blank wall,
and counting breaths to empty their minds of conscious thought. Some
BDSM people use bondage and sensory deprivation for the same purpose.
This is the “peak” to which every path leads. From here on, (and this is still
not the end of journey), BDSM is no different from any other practice: no
more cruel, obscene or bizarre. Whether in a war zone, a whipping scene or a
tea ceremony–what would we find but human souls and bodies?

• The ninth drawing shows a simple landscape with a tree and stream, and it is
called “Reaching the Source.” Man and bull are not seen: There is just the
natural world. Man and bull are at home in it, and could be anywhere.
From the mountain top, one can only descend again, to the lush valley.
From the Void emerges Nature, the lovely, savage garden of terrors and
delights. We are beyond good and evil; pain and pleasure. All opposites are
alike as constructs of our own minds and bodies. In BDSM rituals, we
confront this insight more starkly, more directly, than in anything I know.

• The tenth and last drawing is called “In the World” or “In the Marketplace.”
The man, now grown elderly, jolly and rather plump, is back in society again.
In some versions he is surrounded by children. (But we must make sure these
are of legal age.) Perhaps he is just playing with them, or perhaps he is
teaching. One could not easily tell the difference. From one perspective, it is

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 as if he had never been away. But what we see now is a man at peace not
only with himself, but with society around him. If he was ever “in a closet,”
he is now out of it; and he has found the place where he need not bend
himself out of shape to please–where he can simply be himself, because his
vital energy, his self-discipline and his ego–his sense of himself–are one.
Society now moulds itself around him: Whatever he does is acceptable and
accepted by society, because nothing such a person does can be forbidden.

The Ox Herding Pictures are the clearest expression I know of what it means to
follow a spiritual practice, or Path. Taken together, they provide the best answer
I’ve seen to the question “What is liberating about (so-called) “liberation?” Self-
acceptance is a large part, but not the whole of it. The positive-thinkers who
merely preach self-acceptance and self-esteem never face the problem that these
are difficult to sustain without some basis in reality. By contrast, success in
making friends with and taming your bull and riding him out of the closet is a very
convincing basis for self-esteem –not only to one’s self, but also to others.

4. BDSM as a Practice
BDSM is sometimes seen as an “acting out” of childhood trauma or neurotic
obsession; sometimes as an attempt at self-healing; occasionally as an effort at
transcendence. I think this argument is sterile, for two reasons. First, the central
issues at point in BDSM are not inherently neurotic, although compulsive fixation
on them might be. Also, I see no reason why BDSM play, or any kind of play
cannot or should not be engaged in expressive articulation, in healing and in
transcending at the same time. Indeed, I think it is the nature of play–and of
ritual, a special kind of play–to serve all these purposes together. In this section
I’ll describe some of our practices as rituals of healing and transcendence; and, to
introduce them, the following passage by Ernest Becker is worth quoting7:
Sadism and Masochism seem like frighteningly technical ideas, secrets about the inner
recesses of man only fully revealed to practising psychoanalysts. Even more than that,
they seem like rare and grotesque aberrations of normal human conduct. Both these
suppositions are false. Masochism comes naturally to man, as we have seen again and
again in these pages. Man is naturally humble, naturally grateful, naturally guilty,
naturally transcended, naturally a sufferer; he is small, pitiful, weak, a passive taker
who tucks himself naturally in a beyond of superior, awesome, all-embracing power.
Sadism likewise is the natural activity of the creature, the drive toward experience,
mastery, pleasure, the need to take from the world what it needs in order to increase
itself and thrive; what is more, a human creature who has to forget himself, resolve his
own painful inner contradictions. The hyphenated word sado-masochism expresses a
natural complementary of polar opposites: no weakness without intensive focus of
power and no use of power without falling back on a secure merger with a larger source
of power. Sado-masochism then, reflects the general human condition, the daily lives
of most people. It reflects man living by the nature of the world and his own nature as

7
The Denial of Death

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 it has been given to him. Actually, then, it reflects "normal" mental health.

What Becker says here about sado-masochism as a phenomenon of personality is

true specifically of BDSM practices, which accept and assert in ritual what Becker
puts into words. The raw material of our scenes are existential issues that vex and
preoccupy our spirits–in fact, the same issues that religious ritual and doctrine
have always had to deal with. They are issues that cannot be resolved and left
behind–either because they are irreducibly a part of human experience itself (as
Becker suggests), or because they are so closely woven into the fabric of a life
history as to be inseparable from the whole personality.
A ritual models some aspect of the spiritual world: the world of human
passion8; and, as the anthropologist Clifford Geertz has pointed out9, it serves
doubly as model of, and model for. As a model of, it shows its participants and
spectators what (it asserts) the world is like. As a model for, it teaches its
participants and spectators how to behave individually and as a group: it sets a
paradigm for social interaction.
Starting from such a notion of the BDSM scene as ritual, it becomes possible
to treat BDSM as a full-blown religion within the definition Geertz provides:
(1) a system of symbols which acts to (2) establish powerful, pervasive and long-
lasting moods and motivations in men by (3) formulating conceptions of a
general order of existence and (4) clothing these conceptions with such an order
of factuality that (5) the moods and motivations seem uniquely realistic.

Specifically, I’d suggest, BDSM can be approached as a counter-cultural religion

that is frank and eloquent in at least one area–sexuality–in which many of the
great world religions, especially the Abramic,10 Western ones, tend to be shame-
ridden, oppressive and, in the last analysis, ignorant whereof they speak for want
of sympathy for it. Also, unlike the Western, but like some Eastern religions,
BDSM does not demand belief: it is grounded in practice and personal experience
rather than in dogma, and its authority is that of the body itself. It is disreputable
mainly because (like the old pagan religions) it competes directly with cults
providing better basis for the mobilization and justification of political power, and
because it is terrifyingly frank about matters that people generally prefer to keep
hidden.
For serious consideration of BDSM as a religion, the central question must
be: How are we to deal with the soul’s “dark side ”? Consign it to hell fire?

8
I mean this word passion in its fullest sense, including strong emotion, sexual desire and love, but
also pain and suffering (as when we speak of the Passion of Christ).

9
in his essay Religion as a Cultural System.

10
The Abramic religions are those–Judaism, Christianity and Islam–that claim the patriarch Abraham
as founder. See Genesis, Chapters 12-25.

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Send it to a shrink? Repress it? Allow it (all unconsciously) to take over our
lives? It is both a strength and a weakness of our game to be among the most
direct routes known for exploring the soul’s negativities. On one hand, BDSM
has incomparable allure and fascination, and can offer most effective methods of
practice. Less attractively, it has a way of pitting novices against some really
dangerous monsters, with little preparation or supervision. We commonly think
of these monsters–fear, anger, pride, shame, guilt, lust, greed, envy, and so
forth–as dangerous and harmful emotions. But they are much more than that. As
Becker hints, they are much better understood as pervasive existential themes that,
one way and another, preoccupy much of life.
Consider the complex called shame–a feeling so unendurable that down
through the history of Western society, men and women preferred to think of
themselves as guilty to the point of meriting an eternity in Hell, rather than face up
to our essential smallness11. Primarily, shame is not so much an emotion as a
perception and an issue: a sense of exposure or vulnerability arising out of a
perception (whether correct or not) that one’s identity is undermined or threatened
in some way. An acute perception of this kind is likely to be accompanied by
emotion but, in cases of mild or chronic shame, the issue may be so well
compensated that the emotions experienced (if any) do not feel like shame at all.
In any case, more important than emotion is the underlying issue itself: a self-
understanding weighed and found wanting as against one’s own sense of the
expectations of others, or against one’s own expectations.
A pioneering book on the psychology of shame12 spoke of the absence of a
language for communicating and resolving these feelings and issues:
It is not only that there is no adequate language of shame, of identity, of the deepest
experiences of joy and grief. The present theoretical and pragmatic acceptance of
aggression, prestige and power as central springs of action put still other barriers in the
way of experiencing and communicating shame... Lack of a language contributes to the
sense of estrangement. If, however, one can sufficiently risk uncovering oneself and
sufficiently trust another person, to seek means of communicating shame, the risking of
exposure can be in itself an experience of release.

But surely, in all kinds of ways, a rich language of shame–and of such related
issues as guilt, desire, power, fear and need for control–is just what our Scene
provides. It gives no easy or automatic answers to any of these issues. Precisely
what it does offer is a rich collection of symbols and a syntax, in which such
issues can be expressed, shared and, perhaps, transcended. The elements of that

11
Indeed, it may not be too much to say that the substitution of guilt for shame is the essential move
of all the Abramic religions, and perhaps of BDSM as well. It is much easier to think ourselves
guilty of specific sins (which can be punished and forgiven), than to think ourselves essentially
flawed and therefore hopeless.

12
Helen Merell Lynd’s Shame and the Search for Identity, p.248

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syntax are well-known but, even so, it will be worth taking a few pages to review
what I think of as the basic dimensions of BDSM experience.

The Positive Side of Pain

As already indicated, flagellation has a long history in rites of initiation, sacrifice,
atonement, consciousness raising and pure erotic frenzy. Just why pain lends
itself to such varied uses–is a complex question, quite beyond our scope. I have
not seen any full explanation of the sacral uses of pain, and am content here to
regard them as a mystery. While I don’t enjoy stubbing my toe or hitting my
finger with a hammer, I do like to get myself well spanked or whipped on a fairly
regular basis, feel tense and “wired” if I have gone too long without such
treatment, and consider that these sessions are good for my soul, though not
particularly for my character. As an instrument of moral education, in all
likelihood, the rod was never very effective. But, as an instrument for dissolving
tensions, raising and focussing energies, entering a space of peace and grace, I can
testify to its power. The crucial proviso is that the pain be accepted of your own
will. You have to ask for this medicine–accept it willingly, at least. Forced on
someone, it doesn’t seem to work, is really counter-productive.
The use of pain in BDSM is too varied and complex even to hint at here. To
dismiss its attractions with the word masochism is much like explaining the
attractive powers of a bar of iron with the word magnetism. It pastes a label on
the phenomenon without explaining a thing. The fact is this: Anciently it has
been recognized that suffering can be a catalyst for spiritual growth, and it has
often been inflicted and accepted for positive purposes. Toward the beginnings of
an explanation of why pain lends itself to such use, I’d suggest that two of its
prime characteristics seem to work in combination: pain’s authority, and (in the
precise, etymological sense) its agony: the soul’s struggle to endure what is
beyond endurance.
The authority is obvious: Pain compels attention, grabbing our minds and
commanding us to do something, anything to turn it off. When we can do nothing
at all and the pain just goes on and on, it becomes the most important thing in the
world; and the one inflicting it becomes the most important person. The agony of
pain is something more than tautology. Agon is the Greek word for contest–in
this case between pain and will. In a good flogging, the ego struggles to maintain
its integrity and coherence in a flood of sensation that ultimately makes coherence
impossible.
With these two qualities in mind, the aptness of pain as an ingredient of ritual
will be obvious. As Clifford Geertz puts it, “The essence of religious action is to
imbue specific symbolic complexes with a ‘persuasive authority.’” Add now that
religion–re-ligio–means literally a spiritual binding, and the connections become
perfectly clear. The experience of pain carries the necessary authority, that of the
vulnerable body itself: tying the knot, as it were. The struggle of will (or
endurance) with pain supplies the element of transcendence: getting outside, or

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above the ordinary. Time out of mind, ritual pain has been an element in the
technology of the sacred because for its purpose nothing works better to dissolve
the Ego for an experience of Something Else.
Geertz again:
The dispositions induced by religious rituals have their most important impact
on the "every-day world of common-sense objects and practical acts" and
produce a "distinctive style in the sense both of a dominant mood and a
characteristic movement". Religion does not just describe the social order, it
shapes it. There is a difference though between doing ritual and believing in
everyday life ("religion pure" and "religion applied"). Man is changed after
ritual and so is the common-sense world which becomes corrected and
completed in various ways.
And now, Pauline Reage13:
Actually, both this flogging and the chain... are intended less to make you
suffer, scream, or shed tears than to make you feel, through this suffering, that
you are not free but fettered, and to teach you that you are totally dedicated to
something outside yourself.
For its devotees at least, the whip gives an experience as close to pure reality as
could be imagined–utterly compelling, with scarcely any room left for
“interpretation,” and with all the authority in the world. No ironical detachment;
just enough ego left to observe its own disintegration, or perhaps not even that.
Only naked flesh, in its encounter with over-mastering, incontestable authority.

The Practice of Bondage and Sensory Deprivation

Bondage, blindfolding, gagging, and other sensory deprivation techniques are
another important element of the BDSM syntax. Our senses and powers of speech
and movement are so important to us that it is punishing to be deprived of them,
even temporarily. Conversely, voluntary acceptance of deprivation in these areas
has a long history as a technique of spiritual training and practice. The Zen monk
who sits or kneels motionless in meditation, facing a blank wall, in effect, is using
a kind of bondage technique. So is the Trappist monk who takes a vow of silence.
Of course, the essence of such practices is not the silence or helplessness in
themselves, but rather their use to create an interval of empty time in which to
sharpen attention, still the mind, steady and deepen the breath, and generally,
make room in the soul for an experience of something beyond your own
preoccupations and ego.
Such practices point toward the eighth Ox-Herding Picture, The Void, to the
significance of which we’ll be returning later on. Meanwhile, there is an obvious
question: What (if anything) do the BDSM techniques of bondage and sensory
deprivation add to the classical practices? The obvious answer is their
juxtaposition with control and power issues. The Zen monk learns to sit still; the
sub learns to endure bondage. Both, in the long run, are practising to relax, stop
the tensing and fidgeting, quiet the inner chatter. In the BDSM version, however,
the emphasis is on external constraint: The sub is required to find experience,

13
The Story of O (p. 17)

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freedom, opportunities for self-expression under constraint, make-believe
oppression, by superior power. These external constraints do two things:
Notoriously, they absolve the ego from responsibility for what happens, while
sharpening the remaining senses to feel more keenly. This is the aphrodisiac,
even psychedelic side of bondage. But the constraints do something else too,
presenting issues of control and self-control as a kind of ritualized riddle for both
the Dom(me) and sub to contemplate. In the Zen tradition, such a riddle is called
a koan14. Its purpose is to bug the pupil with a question that cannot be answered
in rational terms, but points toward a moment of insight. Here is a koan for
BDSM:
“When you are completely trussed and gagged and blindfolded,
what should you do?”
As koans go, this is really quite a good one. Take it seriously and work on it, and
you might be surprised where it takes you.

The Practice of Obedience and Service

Obedience is another key element of the BDSM syntax, and it too presents a
koan–that of free will. We encounter it whenever we look seriously for the
ultimate reasons why anyone does anything. “Why did Bodhidharma cross the
Himalayas?” is the famous version of this riddle. But it might just as well be,
“Why did Napoleon march on Moscow?” Or “Why did
the Americans send Neil Armstrong to the moon?” Or, “Why did you get out of
bed this morning?” Well. . . . Why did you?
The practice of obedience raises this question implicitly by reframing it as a
paradox: “I am not free. I am the devoted servant of my Mistress, and must obey
her wishes. I gave myself to her freely, and do so again each day. Hence I am
free–and my freedom is reaffirmed daily. Partly tongue-in-cheek, but partly in
dead earnest, many subs (including myself ) love to serve their Mistresses, love to
be given little duties and chores to carry out, because it reassures us of our own
identities, our place in the scheme of things. Giving My Lady her nightly foot
massage is delicious for her, but grounding for me. Every night before going to
bed, it reminds me (as we say) of “who’s who and what’s what.” It’s one of our
rituals–the more effective because I perform it whether I’m in the mood for it or
not.
Obedience is interesting for another reason: The concept of obedience as a
virtue is a koan in its own right. Traditionally, along with poverty (which, as a
spiritual virtue, meant not being excessively greedy nor dependent on material
possessions) and chastity (which meant, precisely, “having the body in the soul’s
keeping”), obedience was the last, and perhaps most difficult of the monastic
vows. But what should we make of it today? It may have been good for the
community (not to mention the abbott and the hierarchy above him) that monks
should be obedient, but at that time it was believed as well to be good spiritually
for the monks themselves. This belief was one reason, probably not the least
important, why people entered convents and monasteries. A comparable feeling

14
Pronounced with two syllables: ko-an. “W hat is the sound of one hand clapping?” is among the
best known. “Put your bottom up and I’ll show you!” is not an acceptable answer!

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actuates very many subs today.
Now, I have no doubt that willfulness is dangerous, and that it is morally
healthy (not merely comforting) not to need to have your own way all the time.
Even beyond that, and Jean-Paul Sartre to the contrary, it is good to be capable of
subordinating your own will to that of some other entity or group to which you
feel you belong. As Rabbi Hillel suggested15, we all need to belong to something:
not in the sense of being its chattel property, nor of being thoughtlessly
expendable in its interests, but in the sense of being able to rely for our very
identities upon its sponsorship, nurturance and/or protection–which will be
impossible, obviously, unless we are also reliable to it. Group bonding, loyalty
and social behaviour in general are crucial aspects of human biology, and the
person damaged in these capacities is a crippled animal. Yet, obedience to
authority is not a policy I would care to recommend unconditionally. In fact,
knowing as we all do how authorities tend to behave, I have the most serious
reservations in recommending it at all.
Obedience is a rational strategy if (but only if) you can expect to fare better as
a valued member of a functioning group or team than as an individual acting in
your own best interests. It is a virtue if and only if the authority you are obeying
can be trusted to give wise and just orders. Beyond this, loving parents teach their
children to be obedient to others so they may eventually be capable of obedience
to their own selves. Obedience is the basis of discipline, and finally of self-
discipline.
Where does this leave us? It’s just my observation, but I think that–in one
respect or another, for Dom(me)s and subs alike–almost all of us in the Scene are
“challenged” in this area. If I’m not mistaken, difficulties with beloved authority
figures are a good part of what drew us to this game in the first place. Further, I
suspect, not the least of the reasons for BDSM’s increasing appeal and popularity
is that in real life a sense of secure belonging to any trustworthy group or
authority–and an authentic sense of honour–is becoming harder and harder to
find. All of us must serve, one way or another–and all of us do serve, if only our
own sweet selves. The problem is to find someone or something worth serving;
and for most people, bare self-interest just isn’t enough.

Fantasy, Role-Play and Ritual

There is a chronic argument in the Scene whether BDSM is a role-play game we
play, or a life-style we choose to live as an expression of what we are? Thus
arises the koan of what is ultimately real. “Show me your original face before you
were born!” the Zen Master demands. Are you basically a fairly “straight”
individual enacting the role of a Dom(me) or a sub? Or are you “really” a
Dom(me) or sub who sometimes passes as “straight”? Are you Confucius
dreaming he is a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he is Confucius16?
Undoubtedly, some of us experience it more one way, and some the other;
yet I think that in a basic sense, both perspectives are valid for all of us. If we

15
Hillel’s koan: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am for myself only, what am I?”

16
See the parable in Chuang Tzu.

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think of BDSM as psycho-drama, as a role-playing game, then there still must be
some reason why we are drawn to it. The issues at point are our issues, whether
our scenes use make-believe or not. At the same time, not even 24-7 couples are
in scene mode all the time: The exchange of power between them–the amplitude
of their D/s polarization, if you will–is greater at some times than at others.
On a deeper level, it is possible that both perspectives are mistaken.
“Fundamentally, all beings are without Self,” the Buddhists say. Perhaps the
whole idea of separate individuality is an illusion.
I am too much a product of Western thought and society to take the “sparks
of Cosmic Mind” idea very seriously, yet I think the Buddhists are right to this
extent: Not only the Selves we project to others, but the Selves we think we know
ourselves to be are constructs, artifacts, fabrications. Although we have long
since become habitual to ourselves, forgotting why we took on these particular
habits, they are–at least, in part–our own creations. In one sense, all of social
reality is a game of make-believe. As Kurt Vonnegut said in Mother Night, “We
become what we pretend to be.”
One aspect of a spiritual practice, I think, is the discovery that all reality is
conventional and game-like, in a sense–a game not played by any very rigidly
defined agent, but one for whose “play” we bear a varying degree of
responsibility. Of course, our more earnest life-games are very much “for real”:
utterly committed to the point that we go to our deaths when our social identities
demand it 17.
It seems to me that BDSM relationships–those lived in the flesh, as distinct
from the ones in fiction or in chat rooms on the Net–pose the koan of reality in the
sharpest way. For it is by no means the case that all fantasies are “safely, sanely
and consensually” playable; nor should we be strictly limited by our own desires
and fantasies in what we do with our partners. There is, after all such a thing as
accommodating a love partner –not to mention learning to be turned on by
something because the partner you love desires it. The point I want to make is
that the realm of imagination and that of in-the-flesh play are effectively different
worlds, governed by different laws. Competent BDSM scening, as distinct from
chat-room head games have to navigate in both of these simultaneously. This is
certainly not easy; but learning to do so is another aspect of our Way: There are
risks; but the rewards of success are high.
Two points are worth making here: The first is that BDSM is potentially a
dangerous sport–comparable, say, to rock-climbing or white-water canoeing. The
physical risks are easy to guard against; but the dangers to mind and spirit and
karma18 are ultimately more serious. If you cannot distinguish play from
reality–the hotly imaginable from the realistically desirable and do-able–you

17
The classic discussion of the game-like elements of society and life is a book called Homo Ludens,
i.e. “Man the Player,” by the Dutch sociologist and historian Johann Huizinga.

18
The word Sanskrit karma translates roughly as “the burden of the past,” and is used by Buddhists
and Hindus to denote the weight of good and evil that one has accumulated, to be worked off in
one’s next life. I use the word figuratively to suggest that BDSM will raise and intensify feelings
desires and memories that in turn will have real consequences in our lives. It can liberate and
enrich a life, I am convinced, but can have negative consequences as well.

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probably shouldn’t play this game.
Second, unless I miss the mark completely, BDSM as a Way entails
commitments to self-knowledge, and to as broad a range of erotic experience as
one is capable of processing and learning from. If this is correct, it seems to
follow that anyone wishing to travel our Way should avoid defining himself
prematurely. If the object is self-knowledge, then surely you should accept the
limitations of a definition only with utmost reluctance. I am appalled, frankly, at
the eagerness of BDSM novices, scarcely out of their teens, to paste labels on
themselves, as sluts, brats, maso-Dom(me)s, sado-subs or what have you. Time
enough for that after they have been living and playing for some years, perhaps
with one partner, perhaps with dozens, and have actually gotten to know
themselves a bit. It seems obvious to me that the more narrowly you define
yourself early on in your BDSM career, the less chance you have either of finding
a compatible partner, or of actually learning (over a lifetime) just who and what
you are.
This mistake is especially common and serious in connection with players’
self-definition as Top, or bottom, or “switch.” There are people who think there is
something wrong with being a switch–that you are insincere, or frivolous, or
ignorant of your true nature. They insist that you are “really” one thing or the
other–usually what would best suit their convenience. This is simply arrogant.
No one has a right to define you to yourself in this way–least of all someone to
whom you are in a submissive relationship.
It's perfectly OK to be a switch. It is more than OK while you are a beginner
in the Scene, not yet committed to a single partner, and not yet sure where your
inclinations lie. As a beginner, you should get as much safe experience as you can,
limited only by prior commitments and by what you feel comfortable doing. If
and when, after giving yourself the chance to learn and grow, you discover that
you are really uncomfortable in either of the roles will be plenty of time to stop
doing it. Practised as a Way, the object of this game is get to know yourself in all
your fullness and contradiction, and in as wide a range as you can handle–not to
fit yourself into pigeon-hole.

The Practice of Exposure and Reflection

One of the strangest aspects of the Scene is a pervasive quality of “mirror gazing:”
a kind of auto-voyeurism involving a certain doubling of consciousness. The
following passage (from an anonymous work of BDSM erotica) affords a
particularly clear example of what I have in mind:
On this occasion, however, she was a blatant admirer of her own humiliation as she lay,
watching her reflection over her shoulder. One of her hands moved caressingly down her
own belly, the fingers entering between her thighs. Then, lost in contemplation of the rear
view she offered herself in the glass, Lesley began to masturbate, breathing through parted
lips.
Anton smiled, knowing beyond doubt which half of her paradoxical personality would
triumph now. W hatever powers might be possessed by Lesley the liberated young woman
with the dismissive manner, the lures of Eros would betray them all.
Presently she got up and drew the long low table before the mirrors. Across its centre she
put the pillows from the bed to represent the leather bolster on the warden's sofa. Then she
knelt on the table and lowered herself, face down, into the position in which she had been

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 sadistically thrashed the night before.
Anton watched her closely. Once again Lesley gasped in panic and twisted, as if straining
against her straps. Yet her hands were folded under her loins. As she viewed herself in the
mirrors Lesley's fingers began to stroke gently over her clitoris.
Anton turned away and knew that Lesley had crossed the last frontier. Now she was both
Lesley the whipped girl but also Lesley who shared the sadists' pleasure of seeing herself
whipped. W hen she was next flogged the pleasures of the torturer and the tortured would
ensnare her equally. In a few month's more, her submission to her masters would be
absolute.
The Gardens of the Night (p. 71) Anonymous

This Narcissus quality of rapt self-observation lies at the core of BDSM. The
Dom(me)'s whip inflicts, not pain precisely, but a fascinating, second order
experience of pain, reflected through the mirror of consciousness. Similarly, it is
not helplessness the Slave experiences in his chains, but an experience of
helplessness; not shame, but an experience of shame. Call this “detachment,” if
you like.
Especially, what BDSM people refer to as "humiliation", is nothing like the
experience of humiliation in real life. What is called "humiliation"–and sought
and cherished in our scenes–is a shameless encounter with the self as
simultaneous spectacle and spectator. This looking-glass quality takes us to
another level of complexity. To go through the looking-glass is to undergo a
change of cognitive state from the immediate to the mediated, from direct
experience to the experience of experience, from direct perception and
interpretation to rumination and reflection thereon. The sub desires to be
exposed, to observe his exposure, and then to observe the resonance of this
exposure reflected through the eyes of others. Such experience of experience is
the first round of what philosophers call infinite regress. We need not stop at
watching ourselves watch ourselves; we could try to watch ourselves watch
ourselves watch ourselves, watch ourselves watch ourselves watch ourselves, and
so forth, chasing our tails up an endless spiral. All scene experience being thus
mirrored and re-mirrored endlessly, none of it carries the meaning these same
events would bear in ordinary life.

The Dom(me)’s Practice

Dominance is much more than a fondness for being bitchy and/or demanding,
giving orders, and whacking ass. Though these are valid dimensions of the role, it
is possible to give good scenes without any of them. Fundamentally, it is a
question of style. You become a Dom(me) by taking yourself seriously in that
role–by acknowledging your own sexual power (and the power your lover is
giving you), and by accepting the privileges and responsibilities of that power.
There is no other absolute requirement. Thus, you can get started fairly easily, as
soon as you feel ready to do so and can find a submissive partner to practice with.
This low threshold is deceptive, however. The art itself is a very rich one–with
room to take it as seriously as you want to, and to grow in it as far as you can.
Like the sub, a Dom(me) can do a scene, watch herself doing it, watch
herself watching, and so forth. Unlike the sub, she cannot afford to lose herself in

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its spell, but must remain in control of it and of herself. This dual requirement–to
keep the scene’s energies and fantasies within the bounds of safe play while
obtaining her own satisfaction–is perhaps the essence of the Dom(me)’s practice.
A fair amount of craftsmanship is needed; and a good Dom(me) should be
meticulous in every aspect of her art. If she is sloppy in her technique or handling
of the scene, she will lose the trust of her subs. If she is sloppy about safety or
hygiene, she is simply incompetent. The gifts of devotion and vulnerability that
her submissives bring her are matched by gifts of careful, skillful effort that she
gives them in return.
Sensitivity and keen awareness are further qualities to cultivate. With
practice, a Dom(me) becomes something of a mind reader–more precisely, a
reader of subtle cues from her sub’s body. The latter should have a safe word, but
almost never need to use it. His Dom(me) must see when he approaches his limit,
and taper off or stop when he has had enough. She must see what her sub takes
willingly and eagerly, and what he forces himself to take because she wants it.
She must feel when to push his limits, and when not to.
As well, the Dom(me) should be imaginative and versatile, yet aware of her
own limits. She has the humility to recognize that the power she draws on is not
finally her own. As avatar of a goddess, an archetype, she borrows her power
from somewhere beyond herself and is herself only its agent or channel. As such,
she perceives her own limitations and shortcomings in her role. She tries to learn
and improve. In the end, she serves the same goddess her sub worships, and that
service is her own worship.
Finally, a good Dom(me), even a professional, brings love and compassion to
her role. She will be working with people at their most vulnerable, and it is no
more acceptable for her to harm her subs emotionally than to do so physically. A
Dom(me) who takes out anger on her subs, or uses the Scene to express contempt,
is just bad news.
A last point worth making about the Dom(me)’s art is that it characteristically
puts her in a teaching role. Whether in fantasy or reality, almost any persona that
the Dom(me) takes on stands to her sub in some kind of teaching relationship, if
only that of teaching her lover how best to be pleasing and give pleasure. As a
teaching art, however, BDSM is one in which the raw material talks back: It
has needs and qualities and opinions of its own. It has predilections and
resistences. It may rebel–either because it wants, through punishment, to be
taught its limits, or because it has been exploited or abused and has had enough.
Accordingly, when to indulge the sub and when to frustrate him, when and how to
stretch his limits and when to respect them are crucial judgments for the Dom(me)
to make–and that can only be made with the right kind of responsiveness and
signalling from her partner. BDSM is an art for two people working together.

The Couple’s Practice

Whether on a part-time or a full-time basis, the BDSM power exchange works
best in a love relationship once most of the real power issues have been resolved.
It can also work well on a completely impersonal level–as when the scene is given
as pure sacrament, or customized psychodrama by a professional Dom(me). My
experience has been that with casual acquaintances the magic is hardest of all to
bring off because real lives, egos and personalities keep getting in the way.

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Merely entering into a “playmate” relationship where one party agrees to bottom
and the other to Top is enough to get a scene going, but not to weave the spell that
makes it really satisfying. Something more is needed: to ground the submission
and corresponding Dominance in some credible narrative of insurmountable
superiority. Whether it be the relationship of child to parent, pupil to teacher, or
worshipper to godddess, the magic works because a credible image of authority is
successfully bonded with an image of love.
Pagan religions honour a divinity imminent in Nature and the material
universe. The Abramic religions honour a divinity that transcends the material
universe. Hindus and Buddhists honour a divinity (the spark of Cosmic Soul or
Mindfulness) within themselves and others. That is the meaning of the gassho,
that lovely Buddhist gesture of respect, done by placing the hands palm-to-palm
over the heart, fingers pointing up, and then bowing slightly with the head. What
a 24/7 BDSM relationship does, in effect, is to get the sub focussed on honouring
the divinity in his partner, while setting the Domme the exercise of finding or
creating that divinity within herself. The desired effect is to link sexuality and
daily life with religion, turning all three together into a conscious art form.
That BDSM couples are much like any other in requiring two people to adapt
to each other’s strengths and weaknesses and tastes and rhythms should scarcely
need saying. We are presumably helped somewhat by the understanding up front
that the submissive will do such adapting as his Dom(me) demands. But it would
be completely wrong to imagine that BDSM couples are without their politics.
Even in the bad old days, a chattel slave obeyed some orders more readily than
others, and found some margin within his situation for procrastination, willful
misunderstanding, evasion and appeasement. In a consensual power-exchange
relationship, the sub can walk out of it at any time and is, in any case, much too
valuable not to have his wishes considered–even when they are deliberately
overruled as a matter of discipline. Moreover, when the sub is more experienced
than his partner, he will probably find himself teaching her to some extent,
however little he may want to. If she is a complete novice, he will have to “teach
her the ropes” from the beginning–either by Topping her for awhile, or by
“switching” and/or teaching from below. He must introduce her to the Scene and
develop her abilities as a Dominant, while defining his own role to her as
submissive. Given the number of hopeful subs around in proportion to the
number of available and competent Dom(me)s, this is a common situation.
All in all, a certain amount of “Topping from the bottom” is only to be
expected; and the phrase itself is foolish except as applied to insincere and
manipulative submissives who actually seek to control their partners from the
nominally subordinate position. It is much better to accept from the outset that a
D/s couple will have its issues and even conflicts like any other–but that a mature
and skilful couple will also have clear understandings as to the way these issues
are to be negotiated, the prerogatives on either side, and the areas where
obedience is owed. The result, hopefully, will be a level of intimacy scarcely
possible where the balance of power is itself a matter for dispute.
Within reason, it is legitimate for the sub to teach his Mistress about his
needs and preferences and feelings and, indeed, about anything else she wants or
needs to learn that he knows more about than she does. It is part of a sub’s
practice to handle this communication in a properly respectful and deferential
fashion, and part of the Dom(me)’s to allow and profit from such communication
without compromising her over-all authority. Any executive needs precisely this

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skill: to accept briefings from her subordinates, listen and weigh their advice,
provide for their genuine needs and take account of their feelings and preferences
without allowing them to forget who has the final say and responsibility. An
executive too insecure to keep these lines of communication open will soon find
herself in trouble. Yet novice Dom(me)s, even those who understand and have
the knack of blending authority with easy communication, face the following
issue: BDSM automatically casts the Dom(me) as her sub’s teacher and trainer.
It is part of the role, but one she is ill-equipped to play, without a certain amount
of training in the other part, and/or apprenticeship in her own. BDSM is just
about the only art I can think of where it is possible to call yourself a Mistress or a
Master without ever having been a pupil!

5. Teaching and Learning

If BDSM is to be offered as a spiritual path–comparable to Zen or Yoga, or a
martial art–then competent teaching is needed. But the Scene is still very young,
still just beginning to evolve its institutions and methods.
General ideas and information can be communicated in a group setting.
BDSM toy-making can be taught like any other craft; specific techniques lend
themselves to demonstration, and/or supervised practice in a workshop setting.
But the real work of instruction must be customized to the individual or couple;
accordingly, mentoring is the appropriate and necessary method. For BDSM as a
Way, direct mentoring and small mentor-guided discussion groups are the only
formats conceivable.
In teaching of this kind, there is rather less actual teaching than one might
expect. Mostly the pupil is encouraged, helped and nudged along as necessary to
develop as his own instructor and person. He is presented with challenges,
problems of graded difficulty. The tools to meet these are left lying around in
plain view. The teacher may demonstrate the use of these tools, suggest how they
may be used, discuss some principles underlying their use. But she will never do
the student’s work for him. On the contrary. A clever teacher may deliberately
put the student in a nasty bind–arranging the stakes to make him learn in self-
defence, but seeming to create (and sometimes actually creating) unnecessary
obstacles in his path. This seems callous, certainly manipulative, but it is
sometimes necessary, and a kindness in the long run. Regardless of any
instruction given, it remains the case that the pupil does most of the work himself,
accepting and rejecting teaching on his own judgement and responsibility. The
risk and achievement remain his. But at least there is someone around to offer
feedback and suggestions as needed, and to keep danger to a minimum.
I emphasize the harshness and cunning of good teaching because most
current pedagogy leans too far the other way, and because these aspects have
special relevance for BDSM, which refines cruelty into an expression of love.
But, of course, there is need for kindness as well as cruelty–in fact, for a carefully
managed blend of both. Frustration must be cultivated, but kept to tolerable
levels. Self-esteem must be nurtured, enhanced and balanced by humility–an all-
but-forgotten virtue, toward which the Scene’s “humiliations” point. A skillful
teacher knows when to offer the tit and when to apply the rod, and has both modes
available as needed.

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Teaching Games
A student of knowledge aims at gaining day by day.
A student of the W ay aims at losing day by day.
Lao Tzu
There are two kinds of learning. The positive kind, as Lao Tzu says, is a daily
accretion. To promote and assist it, the teacher typically presents and
demonstrates the material to be learned, building upon and adding to what is
already known. Also, she confronts her pupil with a sequence of problems of
graded difficulty, usually fairly artificial, but designed to increase the scope and
complexity of tasks that he can handle. But the other kind of learning works more
like subtraction. What Lao Tzu calls “the student of Tao,” of “the Way,” is
encouraged and compelled to empty himself: to become simple and spontaneous
in his activities, to concentrate his attentions on a single over-riding purpose and
passion, to shed his existing structures of concept and habit. Actually, of course,
the Way involves both kinds of learning. One needs a foundation of good habits
and fruitful concepts, before selective forgetting can be profitable. Lao Tzu
identifies the Tao, or “Way,” with the negative phase of education, only because it
is so often forgotten. He can take it for granted that life and society will teach the
pupil all sorts of useful things–too many, in fact. He wants us to notice that the
soul–the loving and love-manifesting life of a human being–also needs a region of
emptiness.
A comparison suggests itself: In a famous puzzle, tiles inscribed with
numbers from one to fifteen are arranged in a four by four frame. Since four
times four is sixteen, a single empty space remains, where no tile is present. Into
this space, from above, below and either side a tile can be slid–filling the existing
gap, leaving an empty space where the moved tile came from , and rearranging the
pattern of numbers. The object of the puzzle is to arrange the numbers into a
prescribed sequence (e.g. to put them in order from one to fifteen, or from fifteen
to one)19.
Now, what is significant for us is that rearrangement of the tiles is only
possible because an empty space was left. If a sixteenth tile were present, there
could be no moves and no puzzle; and so we are reminded of Lao Tzu’s comment
that the usefulness of a bowl depends on the unfilled space within it–and, beyond
that, of his general thought that “What is depends on what is not.” This Taoist
idea of creative emptiness is just the point of the eighth Ox-herding Picture: a
condition of inward availability from which everything is possible. How does one
teach this? More precisely, what can a teacher do to bring the pupil to a point
where he might discover and explore that space himself?
As it turns out, for this purpose there is no positive attitude or skill in which
the pupil of any such discipline needs to be trained. What is required is a
negative teaching, in which the ego is trained to get out of the Self’s own way. Its
crucial trick was described very well by Alan Watts:
The common design of all these methods is now clear: they challenge the student to

19
Interestingly, it can be proven that only half of the possible arrangements can be reached through a
sequence of the moves described: If the tiles are laid in the frame from one to fifteen, then the
reverse arrangement from fifteen to one will be impossible.

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 demonstrate the power and independence of his presumed ego, and to the extent that
he believes this possible he falls into a trap. As the trap closes, his feeling of
helplessness becomes more and more critical, just because his habitual sense of
being able to act from his own centre has been so completely challenged. While the
least identification with the observing ego remains, he seems to be reduced more
and more to the role of an inert and passive witness. His thoughts, feelings, and
experiences, appear to be a mutually conditioning series of events. Thoughts and
feelings are conditioned by other thoughts and feelings, and the ego is cut down to a
mute observer. Finally, as in the exercise of trying to concentrate only on the
present, even its power to observe is challenged. Or perhaps its very passivity is
challenged by the invitation to be passive, or simply to watch and accept what
happens. But then, how is one to accept what happens when, among the things that
are happening, there are feelings of resistance to life, of non-acceptance; or if it
turns out that one is really accepting life in order to be one-up on it?20

We could scarcely want a better description of the state of mind of the sub, whose
project nearly always involves a demonstration of the inviolability of his ego
under an assault of shame and pain. But then, as Watts says, all that is necessary
for a teaching game is that the Dom(me)–like a therapist or Zen Master “–take
sides with the executive ego, in its efforts to observe and control the rest of the
self. She need only exaggerate that relationship–push it to the point of absurdity,
and beyond. If she can do this, then sooner or later, the sub must surrender to the
impossibility of being one up on himself.”
The candidate for liberation is encouraged to withdraw from the hurley-
burley of ordinary life–at least temporarily, or for a certain period of time every
day–and to turn inward upon himself. His attention is directed away from events
beyond the surface of his skin, and toward those of his own mind. He is made to
focus on and notice the workings of his own sensations, consciousness, and
mental process. For BDSM people, that self-awareness is usually a focus of erotic
interest, present from the beginning of our Scene careers, and part of what drew us
to this game in the first place. It’s connected with that phenomenon of “mirror
gazing.” Our practice, like any other, is to push self-consciousness as far as it will
go, and then a little farther.

Choosing a Mentor
When problems arise in a BDSM relationship, just finding a friend to talk to may
be difficult. So let me start this section by saying flat off that I think almost every
D/s couple could benefit from the involvement of a third party, whose role would
vary according to that couple’s needs, but whom I’ll refer to as their mentor21 in

20
Psychotherapy, East and West, Alan W atts.

21
BDSM literature tends to make a distinction between the roles of mentor, trainer, and protector
but, as the term is used here, a mentor may be trainer and protector also. The task that interests me
is that of guiding and facilitating an education in BDSM–whatever this takes, by whatever means it
is done. Also, I write of the mentor as working with a couple. There is no necessity for this:
Unattached Dom(me)s and subs have mentors also. But since I am writing of BDSM primarily as
a W ay for couples, the mentoring of individuals before they find lifestyle partners is not of interest

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any case. Partly by providing needed feedback, partly by teaching useful concepts
and skills, partly just by listening, the mentor’s role is to facilitate their growth as
a BDSM couple. He or she should be a sensitive and accurate reflector of the
energies of their relationship, and should be someone both parties equally can
trust. It follows that the sub should have an equal say in the choice of a mentor.
This choice is “meta” to the scene relationship, and an area (like other aspects of
contracting) where submissiveness does not apply.
At one extreme, with a very experienced and knowledgeable couple, the
mentor would be little more than a “family friend” with the sole difference that he
or she would potentially be privy to their issues, and would have duties of
availability and even-handedness as well as friendship. It would be understood
that either Dom(me) or sub could meet privately with the mentor to discuss
anything whatever–without disloyalty to the other. It would be understood that
the mentor, at his or her discretion, could call a three-way meeting to deal with
any matter raised by either.
In this situation the mentor would function as an honest-broker: keeping
lines of communication open; mediating conflicts of the sub’s rights and desires
as against the Dom’s prerogatives (thereby assisting in the negotiation and re-
negotiation of contracts); advising, loosely and non-bindingly, on choices of
direction for the D/s relationship. In performing these functions, a good mentor
can eliminate much of the need for "Topping from below"–otherwise inevitable,
to some extent, in a consensual relationship.
At the other extreme, with a novice couple desiring a very intense
relationship, the mentor might be a full-blown “spiritual director,” performing
functions similar to those of a group therapist, sensei22, or guru. In this situation,
the mentor would effectively be an arbitrator (not a just mediator) of differences,
since disobedience would be grounds for terminating the mentoring relationship.
He or she would give directions for practice, and ask for regular reports on results,
imposing special training exercises or punishments. Especially with novice
couples, the mentor would also have responsibilities toward the BDSM
community for the couple’s progress in the Scene–making sure they at least
understand the basics of safe, sane consensual play.
In choosing a mentor for BDSM, or anything else, the first thing to get clear
is the nature of this very special relationship. As a disinterested third party, a
mentor cannot be lover, Master or Mistress in the BDSM sense, and is not
precisely a personal friend–though being a friend and doing the offices of
friendship is certainly part of the job. A mentor is also not a teacher or tutor in the
sense most of us are used to, but more like a traditional god-parent: The role is
not so much to teach directly–though there may be a certain amount of this
involved–as to assist you in teaching yourself: to be there for you as needed, and
to aid you in acquiring the education you can handle.
Another crucial aspect of the mentor’s role is that of witness to the

here.

22
The Japanese word for a teacher, sensei, is especially appropriate for the BDSM mentor. It means
literally, “previous life”–that is, someone who has gone before and can offer some guidance on the
Path.

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developing BDSM relationship, though not in the legal sense of this word. The
point is not to testify about the events of that relationship, but simply to be a
sympathetic, intelligent and comprehensive observer of its development. Anyone
who has been fortunate enough to have a friendship endure from childhood or
youth into middle age will understand the value of witness in this sense. There is
this other person who knows the story of your life. With him or her, you can
talk about the past without having to reconstruct it. Your friend was there, and
has his own version of what happened–from a different perspective than yours,
and the more valuable for that reason. “Binocular vision adds a dimension,” as
Gregory Bateson once observed. Of course, an intimate couple performs this
function for each other; but if things get rough between them, or even if they
don’t, the presence of a neutral, informed third can be invaluable.
At point in good mentoring, in our field as in any other, are sensitivities,
values and attitudes more than skills or knowledge. The role is to help you
become the kind of person that a certain culture or teaching tradition
values–modelling, demanding, encouraging the appropriate attitudes, and pointing
you toward requisite skills and knowledge along the way. For BDSM, I’d see it as
the mentor’s primary function to suggest, by precept and example, what our game
can be and what its people can become. Other functions–protecting, teaching,
training or what have you–are specific issues for the mentoring contract: If you
want your mentor to take on a certain duty, and he or she agrees to do it, that is
fine and may be very useful, but is incidental to the primary mentoring role.
Thus, the process of contracting with a mentor is at least as complicated as
with a new play partner: It is not just a question of likes and dislikes and limits,
but of long-term goals and the kind of relationship you want to build as a couple.
It will take time to work this out, and will evolve as experience and understanding
are gained. At any given time, however, goals should be fairly clear; and it is part
of the mentor’s responsibility to keep them so. The mentor’s prerogatives and
methods, will, of course, depend on the goals and training sought.
Selection of a mentor should be made with caution, because a person in this
role can do much harm as well as good23. If possible, you want someone whose
strengths will complement your own–whose interests and experience are
compatible but much broader than your own, so that he or she can point toward
lines of further development. You want a mentor to help you find something you
feel is missing. Above all, you want someone whose integrity you can trust. As
with all teaching, responsibility for what you learn remains with you in any case.
Some writings on this topic assume the mentor must be a Dominant, but I
think this is mistaken. Since the position of a mentor is “meta” to the Scene
relationship, he or she may be Dom(me) or sub or “switch. ” A mentor should be
comfortable and competent in any incidental roles and obligations that he or she
accepts; but a mentor per se is not functioning as a Dom(me). The mentor’s
personal tastes are unimportant; he or she should have experience and a balanced
sympathy for both roles.
For an individual or couple wishing to practice our game as a Way, the

23
Several web sites discuss the nature of the mentoring relationship, and suggest things to look for
and be careful of in choosing a mentor. http://www.castlerealm.com/library/april98art.shtml
provides a useful checklist.

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mentoring relationship will have special features. Correspondingly, a rather
special mentor is needed. It is not just a question of being helped to find a more
intense, contented, or generally satisfying game, but of being shown how to use
the game for a definite purpose–as a vehicle for “taming the bull,” “awakening,”
“liberation,” “second birth,” call it what you will. The process (described above)
is, more than anything, a work of negative learning. You are progressively
stripped of evasions, excuses and all that is ultimately unimportant, to be brought
up against those things that actually are important to you. It is a deeply satisfying
process in the long run, though often a frustrating and threatening one. Expect a
love-hate relationship with any serious mentor.

6. Conclusion
What is for me the most intriguing aspect of our game has been touched upon at
several points in this essay, but not explicitly developed anywhere. Like deep
play of any kind, but with a stark, sexual glow characteristically its own, BDSM
scouts the frontiers of cognition, and of identity itself.
We saw this, first of all, and most obviously, in its giving of permissions.
Many persons and couples resist awareness of their authentic sexuality, contenting
themselves with a standard, homogenized version bearing the moral equivalent of
a Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. By making the Dom(me) explicit keeper
of the sub’s fantasy life as well as her own, by granting her a blanket license to
use him sexually in any way she pleases (within their pre-agreed limits), BDSM
turns the bedroom into a “dungeon”–a magic chamber for confession and
discovery. Issues of self-control, power, gender and style are all opened up for
sexual exploration and communication. The challenge is know yourself and your
lover as two distinctly individual sexual beings, honouring desire as such,
postponing moral and prudential judgments. What you finally agree to do is not
terribly important. What you allow yourselves to know about yourselves and each
other really is.
The exploration and stretching of identity occurs too in BDSM’s treatment of
shame, guilt and other negative emotions. The challenge, once again, is to accept,
work with and share the person we really are–not the one we think we should be,
still less the one that others think we should be. At least in bed, with a lover, it
should be safe to be spiritually naked, as well as simply unclothed. That’s what
lovers are for. BDSM provides a symbolic language in which the communication
required for this is possible. It’s left for us, of course, to learn to use that language
effectively, to say and share what is needful.
The role of pain in what we do, what everybody thinks of first in connection
with our game, is something of a red herring. For different couples it has differing
prominence in their scenes. For most “lifestyle” couples, those most deeply and
constantly in a BDSM relationship, pain is actually a rather small part of their
game–both in its frequency of use and its intensity. The themes of devotion and
obedience loom much larger, and are much more difficult, both for the sub to give
and for the Dom(me) to earn and keep. Yet it would not do, either, to
underestimate pain’s role –as a kind of spiritual solvent and stain remover. Even
a light spanking or flogging acts as a powerful symbol, invoking and reinforcing
the submissive persona, and its connection to the Dom(me). At higher levels,
pain temporarily dissolves the ego with all preoccupations and concerns. It
becomes, while it is happening, quite simply the only thing of any importance in

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your world. After passing through the pain, it leaves you feeling cleansed and at
peace: grounded in and reconciled to your own body.
Finally, in its whole structure, symbolism and practice, BDSM almost rubs
our noses in the paradox of power and control, crucial for self-understanding and
the image we cherish of ourselves. We encounter this paradox on several levels:
In a properly contracted scene between consenting adults, who has ultimate
power–Dom(me) or sub? Tethered to the bedposts, being taken by your lover,
just how helpless are you really? Giving a flogging, when you have your sub
almost jumping out of his skin, and he could use his safe word at any time but
doesn’t, what does “control” actually mean?
All cognition and all deliberate action involves a balance–or better, a
continuous cyclic flow–between assertion and receptivity, Dominance and
submission, to speak our language. To understand anything, we have to open
ourselves to it, but then impose ourselves upon it with concepts acquired from
culture and our own previous experience. To do anything at all, something as
simple as making ourselves a cup of coffee or getting ourselves across the street,
we must be obedient to what is happening around us, while keeping our purpose
firm. We find this D/s cycle everywhere; and in this respect, BDSM is no
different from what one learns in any martial art. Empiricist philosophy over-
estimated the receptivity of cognition. Post-modern thought, at the other extreme,
over-estimates the willfulness. As we can see now, both are far from the Way,
losing sight of the ebb and flow of power behind all knowledge and activity. We
do not simply take in the world as we find it. Neither to we simply impose our
own interpretations upon it. We accept and assert by turns, often at the same time.
In distinguishing, in separating out these twin phases of activity and relationship,
all manner of play, healing and transcendence become possible.
Bibliography
In preparing this article, the following books and web sites were consulted:

In Print:
Clifford Geertz: Religion as a Cultural System
Anita Phillips: In Defense of Masochism
Simone Weil: On Punishment

Websites:
BDSM Overview and History
http://www.tdl.com/~thawley/history.htm
http://www.sexuality.org/l/subnet/AboutBDSM1.html

BDSM Spirituality
http://www.sssswr.org/henkin.htm
http://www.bdsm-online.com/articles/spirit.htm
http://www.submission.net/AboutBDSM5.html#Spirituality

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http://www.bbk.ac.uk/eh/skc/shame/#masochism

Mentoring
http://www.castlerealm.com/library/april98art.shtml
http://www.castlerealm.com/library/masterjohn.shtml
http://freeweb.pdq.net/feather/gallantrose/mentor.htm
http://www.adarkwhisper.com/sub/mentor.html

Therapeutic BDSM: Therapy and Behaviour Modification

http://www.submission.net/AboutBDSM4.html

The BDSM Lifestyle: Game or Lifestyle?

http://www.cuffs.com/stories/discTexts/jonjacobs.htm
http://homepages.ihug.com.au/~hachiman/thoughts.html

Wicca, Paganism and BDSM

http://members.dencity.com/absoluteds/wiccabdsm.html

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