Personal Essay

Timothy Kerbs
Personal Essay
October 13, 2022
It is a fact (that needs to be) universally acknowledged that a young person preparing for their
future needs a counselor and a nap. We put so much pressure on ourselves (not to mention the external
pressure) and have so many possibilities for our future it can become overwhelming. No need to play
your violins for me, though. I am on my way to becoming who I want to be, but first, allow me to explain
my unique journey thus far.
2010 was the year of my parents’ divorce and I was five years of age. The only thing I could
understand were the facts: there was fighting, a separation, and half the time to spend with each
parent. Because I was so young, all I could do was observe following the divorce. I observed my dad
struggle to provide for us as a single dad; I observed my brother begin to rebel against my dad’s stricter
parenting style; I observed my mom throw herself into her nursing job; I observed my sister become
more reserved and not reaching out to her family. Seeing my family respond negatively to this drastic
change, I began to realize that my family was not perfect; far from it. My perfect and very naïve view of
family, that infallible connection of love and safety, was beginning to crumble. As a result, because I
realized that my family was not perfect, I thought I had to be.
During my elementary school years, I tried my best to learn from my siblings’ mistakes by
criticizing myself when I fell short of my expectations or was second best in the class. I began to put so
much pressure on myself, which began to show its effects my freshman year, when my therapist
suggested that I might have anxiety. It did not make sense to me, because I was such a positive and
smiley person. Looking back, I realize that my optimism, although a gift that makes me special, was for
so long more of a crutch. Today, I am still learning to use my positivity to meet people where they are at
in life and encourage them while not overwhelming them. I have always been overly expressive and
enthusiastic, and that comes hand in hand with being sensitive.
A dark part of my childhood, from the time of the divorce until seventh grade, was when my
brother bullied me. He would emotionally abuse me, using disparaging nicknames and, occasionally, he
would get physical. He found every opportunity and every little annoying thing I did or said as reason to
belittle my character. My belief that family was a safe and a comfortable place was damaged, nearly as
badly as my self-esteem. (Before any assumptions are made, my brother is not the villain of my story,
and it took me a while to undo this narrative; but we have a much better and healthier relationship
now.)
These experiences have changed who I am, and I believe for the better. Despite the divorce
leaving a scar, from its place grows a new, larger family, with my dad remarried and leading a happy,
fulfilling life. That has helped me realize that family comes in so many different forms, and that having
three sides of the family is not a terrible thing. It gives me a bigger, stronger support system and I have
realized that when my foundation of family (which was built upon the image of a happy, nuclear one)
was proved to be faulty, I was able to build a new, stronger base, which leaves room for me to have
empathy for people struggling with their families. I think it has allowed me to intentionally determine
what aspects of family are utterly worth fighting for and pursuing. The beliefs that family is a safe space
to explore my identity and beliefs, to communicate struggles and reach out for help, and to create and
share important memories, are a few I can name.
Although it all seems resolved, I know that I still have so much to process about my experiences,
and that right now, as a senior in high school, I am still very much in a transitional phase of life. My
trauma, which I have shared a portion of, has not fully resurfaced and allowed time for me to process,
but I am also young, and only can understand so much of what life is!
So far, the time of my life right now is the most important. I am becoming a discerning
individual, not merely an observing and repeating individual, as humans are naturally as children. I am
applying the hard life lessons I faced in my childhood:
Everyone has a narrative unseen by others, and their motives and attitudes are
dramatically determined by this. My interaction with someone is only a sentence of a whole
book. Thus, I do not have the authority or perspective to judge. I also learned how to stand up
for myself while not inflicting more harm on someone who is causing me harm.
Additionally, I am one person out of 7 billion humans, and I have my limits. I cannot say
that I care about others if I put myself above people or inherently belief that I am exempt of
consequences to my choices.
Despite these realizations sounding cliché, it is an important thing for me to realize as I am
transitioning from childhood to adulthood. I am turning 18 in seven months, so I can vote, file taxes, and
be independent (which is scary). But I think the most important thing for me is that I am becoming more
self-aware, realizing why I do things, the consequences to my actions, and what I can try to do next time
to not hurt someone. I find value in my struggles, because although they cause me to rethink my
motives, my values that I hold close to my being, and my purpose in life, create fertile soil for new and
stronger growth to thrive. And I guess all I can say with certainty about these aspects of life is that I am
working on them. I hope that through challenging work, failures, learning, grit, and faith, that I become
more aware of what life can bring and hopefully, one day, can share these lessons and stories with my
family.

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Timothy Kerbs

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