Mom, Dad, I'm Gay. - How Families Negotiate Coming Out (PDFDrive)

MOM, DAD.
I’M
GAY.
How Families Negotiate Coming Out
by Ritch C . Savin-Williams
American Psychological Association

W a s h i n g t o n , DC
CONTENTS
Preface ................................................................................................. vii

Acknowledgments ............................................................................... xi
Chapter 1: Introduction ............................................................... 3
Chapter 2: ...................
7
Differential Developmental Trajectories i
Chapter 3: Relations With Parents ............................................ 23

Chapter 4: Daughters and Mothers ............................................ 63
Chapter 5: Daughters and Fathers ............................................ 107
Chapter 6: Sons and Mothers ................................................... 135
Chapter 7: Sons and Fathers ..................................................... 171
Chapter 8: Negotiating Healthy Relationships Among
Family Members ...................................................... 199
Chapter 9: Research Agenda .................................................... 243
Appendix: Research Methods ........................................................... 263
Index .................................................................................................. 267
About the Author ............................................................................. 275
V
PREFACE
I t would be difficult t o overdramatize the visibility revolution that has

occurred during the 1990s for sexual-minority youths. As someone who
lived his Midwest adolescence during the 1960s without so much as a name
for his unconventional sexuality, I marvel at the contemporary transforma-
tion of what it means to grow up gay. Perhaps if I had possessed current
notions of “alternative sexualities” or role models such as Greg Louganis or
Ellen DeGeneres in my small Missouri town, I would have labeled my
preadult erotic feelings considerably earlier than 1 did. But my high school
had n o gay-straight alliance or support group for sexual-minority youths.
T h e monthly Christian County Ozarker carried n o news features o n homosex-
uality. There were n o 1-800 or even 1-900 numbers. No online chat groups
or magazines. No gay characters in nightly television programs. No movies
featuring positive gay characters or themes. No visibility. Nothing, period,
except silence.
In ret:rospect, I a m quite certain that I was not alone in small-town
Missouri, and I have my suspicions! 1 would like t o name names and t o ask
questions about the passionate friendships of several female classmates, the
notorious study hall “hand jobs,” the late-night drinking, and the suicides.
I want t o know the true story of our most “homo” ridiculed classmate, Ricky
(pseudonym), who never joined the Future Farmers of America, never played
sports despite our need to press every male body into athletic teams, and
never dated. Ricky wore green o n Thursdays, thus cementing his homo-
status in high school. H e married, had children, and died at a young age
of an “unnamed” but remarkably AIDS-like disease in the mid- 1980s.
T h e narratives of contemporary youths often follow a very different
story line.’ Michelle Klucsor, 19, of San Jose, California, accepted her status
as lesbian when she was 15. A year later she disclosed to classmates by
refusing to hide her sexuality. “1nste;d of changing pronouns and being
vague, I was just myself. That was hard.” But few believed her. She was
“very femme [and] because I didn’t look stereotypical, people would come
up to me and say: ‘Oh, I heard you’re a lesbian, but I know you’re not.’”
After an all-girl dance, she told her mother about her sexuality, who said,
“Oh, why didn’t you tell me? If you told me earlier, I would have driven
you there.” Her father was less accepting, but several months later he
attended a P-FLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)
meeting. He now facilitates their meetings and marches in gay pride parades.
Michelle is politically active and educates teachers about how to make
schools more accepting of sexual minorities.
Justin Clouse, 19, grew up in Richmond, Kentucky, and describes
himself as the average gay-boy next door who wants to fall madly in love
with the redheaded man of his dreams. In ninth grade, Justin mustered the
nerve to type the word G-A-Y on his computer; he had always known he
was “different.” He told his best friend and soon everyone in school knew,
but “it was never a big deal. . . . I read about all of these things where
coming out is some big monumental day, but that never happened. I’d
known these kids since I was in kindergarten, they knew me much more
as a person.” Telling his mother was more difficult; she cried, doubted it,
and then said she only wanted to protect him from being hurt by others.
His father was accepting, and their relationship remained unchanged. Justin
remarked, “It was really cool to have them totally interested, asking, like
‘Have you found anybody lately?‘’’ Justin is still looking for the redhead
and keeps his diary on the Web for others to learn about the life of a
“normal gay guy.”
The most striking aspects of Michelle and Justin are an early awareness
of their sexual identity, a pride in being sexual-minority teenagers, and a
willingness to confront societal attitudes and prejudices while in high school.
Furthermore, they disclosed to their parents this sexual identity white still
living at home! This is light years from my Missouri town where it was
understood that everyone was to remain heterosexually intact, and sexuality
was non-negotiable.
Despite these stories, researchers, clinicians, educators, and health care
professionals frequently highlight the pain of living-and the hardships
sexual-minority youths encounter-without saying a word about their resil-
iency or diversity. For example, it is widely reported that youths who self-
identify as gay in high school are disproportionately at risk for having mental
and physical health problems, using illegal drugs, having physical fights with
injuries, carrying a weapon to school, feeling threatened at school, skipping
school, being intimidated at school, and attempting suicide.2If true, these
would indeed be grave concerns that should be attended to. However, as
a class of individuals, gay youths have been almost solely presented as victims
who are necessarily harassed at home and in school, as gender benders with
viii PREFACE
multicolored hair and multipierced bodies, and as mutilators of their own
lives by placing themselves at risk for HIV and suicide. This portrait restricts
and distorts our perception of their lives. As a result, we have committed
a great disservice to sexual-minority youths-portraying them as victims,
weirdos, or “the other.” These children cannot possibly be our children.
They’re sick!
In earlier publication^,^ I criticized this single-minded focus on the
problems of sexual-minority youths, the pathology of their lives, which in
turn is unthinkingly and incredulously applied to all who are young and
gay in contemporary society. Surely they must have all killed themselves
by now! Ignored is the rich diversity that characterizes their lives and their
uncanny resiliency in overcoming cultural stigmatization-especially youths
such as Michelle and Justin who are living the promise of healthy lives as
lesbian and gay.
Throughout this book the personal narratives of a diverse group of
lesbian, bisexual, gay, transgender, questioning, and unlabeled adolescents
and young adults illustrate experiences relating with family members. These
sexual-minority youths have many intricate decisions to make that reflect
and ultimately shape the relationships they want to have-or can have-
with their families. Should they disclose? If so, when? While in high school?
In college, when away from home? Once no longer financially dependent
on parents? And if so, how? Through a direct telling? By leaving hints
around the house? By not appearing to be heterosexual? Who should be
told first and for what reason? Following disclosure, how should they relate
to family members? These are not questions I could ever have imagined
asking myself when I was a youth, but are now common concerns of
contemporary adolescents with same-sex attractions, including the ones in
this book. Their narratives serve as a striking alternative to my life story.
ENDNOTES
’ The following two narratives were reported by Oasis, an online Web site
for sexual-minority youths. The stories were taken from the “Profiles in Courage”
section in the December 1995 issue. Jeff Walsh interviewed both Michelle and
Justin.
DuRant, R. H., Krowchuk, D. P., & Sinal, S. H. (1998). Victimization, use
of violence, and drug use at school among male adolescents who engage in same-
sex sexual behavior. Journal of Pediatrics, 132, 113-1 18; Garofalo, R., Wolf, R. C.,
Kessel, S., Palfrey, J., &I DuRant R. H. (1998). The association between health risk
behaviors and sexual orientation among a school-based sample of adolescents.
Pediatrics, 101, 895-902; Goodenow, C., & Hack, T. (1998, August). Risks facing
gay, lesbian, and bisexual high school adolescents: The Massachusetts Youth Risk Behavior
Suruey . Paper presented at the Annual Convention of the American Psychological
PREFACE ix
Association, San Francisco; Hershberger, S. L., & D‘Augelli, A. R. (1995). The
impact of victimization on the mental health and suicidality of lesbians, gay and
bisexual youth. Developmental Psychology, 3 I , 65-74; and Hershberger, S. L., Pilk-
ington, N. W., & D’Augelli, A. R. (1997). Predictors of suicide attempts among
gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth. journal of Adolescent Research, 12, 477-497.
’ See my 1990 book, Gay and lesbian youth: Expressions of identity (New York:
Hemisphere) (especially chap. 10) and, more recently, my 1998 book . . . and
‘I
then I became gay”: Young men’s stories (New York: Routledge).
X PREFACE
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This project would not have been possible without the inspiring, pro-
vocative lives of the 164 youths who form the core of this book. They were
always supportive, wanting through their sharing to better the lives of future
generations of youths with same-sex attractions. I hope that they can forgive
me for the imperfections between their telling and my writing and my
inability to fully comprehend the complexity of their lives.
Neither would this book have been possible without the encouragement
of my colleague and friend Steve Ceci, who believed that I should and could
write this book. If the world of heterosexuals were filled with individuals such
as Steve Ceci and his partner and my friend Wendy Williams, much of the
trauma faced by sexual-minority youths and their families would disappear.
I hope this book encourages the movement of others into their camp of
love and support.
From the outset, the staff at APA Books has been incredibly enthusias-
tic and supportive of my efforts to tell the stories of sexual-minority youths.
Julia Frank-McNeil, Director of APA Books, never wavered from encourag-
ing my pursuit of this project. Judy Nemes, who I feel is the best development
editor working today, offered many excellent suggestions on the first draft
that served to focus and tighten the book’s content. Shepherding the project
through the technical nuts and bolts, Emily Welsh, Production Editor, has
been invaluable with suggestions, directives, and patience. Other APA staff
have also made their unique professional contributions that have lightened
my load and added to this book’s development: Vanessa Downing (Project
Editor), Chris Davis (Supervisor, Technical Editing and Design), Elaine
Dunn (Copy Editor), and Mary Lynn Skutley (Manager of Development).
Working with this staff has made the process of moving from my printed
page to theirs truly easy.
xi
My life partner, Ken Cohen, recently crowned Dr. Cohen, provided
more than sufficient affection, encouragement, and motivation for the initia-
tion and completion of this project. We eagerly share and compare experi-
ences about our families and marvel at the stories of today’s generation of
youths. Our lives apart and now together we dedicate to increasing sensitiv-
ity, caring, and openness. We simply want all families to love.
xii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
MOM, DAD.
I’M
GAY.
INTRODUCTION
This book is intended for sexual-minority youths and their families

and for those who care for them. It documents variations in the relations
sexual-minority youths report that they have with family members before,
during, and after disclosure of their sexuality. My two central purposes are
1. to demonstrate the vast diversity in the life experiences that
sexual-minority youths have with family members, and
2. to document the inherent resiliency and mental health of
sexual-minority youths.
Readers might wonder what makes this book unique from the sizable
and burgeoning staple of books on “coming out” written by lesbian, gay,
and bisexual authors, their loved ones, and mental health experts. Simply
put, 1 base this book on the personal odysseys of 164 young women and men,
my perspectives as a clinical and developmental psychologist who specializes
in sexual minorities, and insights derived from empirical studies. This does
not mean that the odysseys are representative of all sexual-minority youths,
or that my perspective is the correct one, or even that the research base is
ideal or comprehensive. In particular, I make numerous references to places
in which the research is insufficient to answer questions that intrigue me
(e.g., whether the age at which a gay youth comes out is associated with
her or his father’s reaction).
The voice in this book is given primarily to youths and only secondarily
to parents. Given the choice between interviewing a limited number of
youths and their parents or a large number of youths or parents, I chose
the latter. A comprehensive book would have presented the experiences of
a wide range of parents and sexual-minority youths; this book is not that
one. Because most families are “in the closet” about their sexual-minority
family member, this task may only be possible once cultural acceptance of
such households reaches a higher level than is now the case. Until then,
popular books are available that recount the experiences of parents.’ It must
be kept in mind, however, that these perspectives are usually derived from
parents who attend support groups or have had traumatic experiences with
a gay child, altogether poor venues for eliciting diverse opinions given the
3
selective nature of those who join such groups. I nevertheless quote liberally
from these texts in chapter 3.
By focusing primarily on youths, I attempt to balance two disparate
methodologies: (a) the empiricism of developmental investigators and (b)
the life histories approach prevalent in the clinical and popular literatures.*
Each provides readers with a legitimate, although limited, perspective from
which to assess the lives of sexual-minority youths and their families. A life
histories approach is often restricted by the kinds of youths who provide
their stories (usually White, “out” youths attending support groups), whereas
empirical investigators frequently curtail the type and depth of questions
they ask their young respondents.
The approach I take here maintains the individuality and uniqueness
of particular lives through the narration of life stories. Concurrently, an
external voice is present, that of myself as researcher discerning patterns
across the experiences of youths. The narratives of adolescents and young
adults relate an assortment of “coming out to parent adventures’’ and illus-
trate the many different occasions, circumstances, reactions, and conse-
quences of disclosing to family member^.^ As such, they often explode
myths-for example, that a parent’s reaction to the news of a child’s same-
sex attractions is ineluctably negative, violent, or retributive. As readers
will see, it seldom is. Or that a mother is the best parent to tell. Indeed,
in my interview data, a significant number of fathers are more supportive
than mothers upon hearing the disclosure.
Before presenting these stories, I describe in chapter 2 a theoretical
perspective, a differential developmental trajectories approach, that heightens
the focus on diversity within sexual-minority populations, recognizes the
continuities and discontinuities among sexual minorities in their develop-
ment, and highlights the turning points in each life that contribute to the
unique profile of an individual biography. This approach forms the essential
nucleus of the perspective presented in this book. In addition, definitions
of several key concepts are provided.
Within most developmental frameworks, disclosure to parents is con-
sidered to be a critical milestone. The importance of parents to sexual-
minority youths and some of the difficulties and pleasures youths encounter
with disclosure are discussed in chapter 3. The reactions of parents to
“the news” have been understood by many to follow a grieving-mourning
sequence of emotions and behaviors. These are understood in the chapter
to represent the diversity of responses parents have on learning of their
child’s sexual status. Factors that influence the reactions parents have to
the disclosure are briefly discussed.
The next four chapters form the core of the book. They present narra-
tives of sexual-minority youths who reflect on the nature of the relationships
they have or had with parents before disclosure, whether they come out to
4 MOM, DAD. I’M GAY.

parents, reasons youths have for and against coming out, when and how
parents are told, the initial reactions parents have to the news, and the
relationships youths have with parents after disclosure. Although division
of this material could have been apportioned in diverse manners, the one
adopted for this book is based on sex of child and parent: the relations
daughters have with their mother (chapter 4) and father (chapter 5) and
the relations sons have with their mother (chapter 6) and father (chapter
7). Each chapter begins with three narratives that illustrate the diversity
of experiences youths have with their parents; relevant empirical data are
interwoven throughout the text. Excerpts from the youths’ narratives serve
to elaborate and enlighten these data.
In chapter 8, I offer suggestions regarding how youths, parents, and
the helping professions can negotiate healthy relationships between sexual-
minority youths and family members. My concern is not only with individuals
but also with the family as a context for healthy development of all members.
As will become readily apparent throughout the book, research on the
relations sexual-minority youths have with their parents has many shortcom-
ings. The consequences of these imperfections on our understanding of
sexual-minority youths and their parents and the proposal of a research
agenda conclude this book in chapter 9.
ENDNOTES
’ Aarons, L. (1995). Prayers for Bobby: A mother’s coming to terms with the
suicide of her gay son. New York: HarperCollins; Borhek, M. V. (1993). Coming out
to parents: A two-way survival guide for lesbians and guy men and their parents (2nd
ed.). Cleveland, OH: Pilgrim; Clark, D. H. (1997). The new loving someone gay.
Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts; Fairchild, B., & Hayward, N. (1998). Now that you
know: A parent’s guide to understanding their guy and lesbian children (3rd ed.). San
Diego, CA: Harcourt Brace; and Griffin, C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G.
(1986). Beyond acceptance: Parents of lesbians and gays talk about their experiences.
Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
‘ Popular first-person accounts of sexual-minority youths include the tollowing:
Baetz, R. (1980). Lesbian crossroads. New York: William Morrow; Barber, W. K., &
Holmes, S. (Ed.). (1994). Testimonies: Lesbian coming-out stories. Boston: Alyson; Due,
L. (1995).Joining the tribe: Growingup guy and lesbian in the ’90s. New York: Anchor;
Heron, A. (Ed.). (1983). One teenager in ten. Boston: Alyson; Heron, A. (Ed.). (1994).
Two teenagers in twenty: Writings by gay and ksbian youth. Boston: Alyson; National
Lesbian and Gay Survey. (1992). What a lesbian looks like: Writings by lesbians on their
lives undlifestyles. London: Routledge; Penelope, J., & Wolfe, S. J. (Eds.). (1989). The
origtnal coming out stories: Expanded edition. Freedom, CA: Crossing Press; and Saks,
A., & Curtis, W. (1994). Revelations: Gay men’s coming-out stories. Boston: Alyson.
Savin-Williams, R. C. (2000). An exploratory study of sexual-minority youths’
relations with their parents. Manuscript submitted for publication.
INTRODUCTION 5
DIFFERENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL
TRAJECTORIES
SEXUAL ORIENTATION AS A CONTEXT FOR DEVELOPMENT
Considering sexual orientation as a significant context for child and

adolescent development assumes that same-sex oriented individuals have
meaningfully different life courses than do heterosexual individuals and
raises a number of complex and controversial issues. For example, if dif-
ferences exist between two individuals on the basis of their sexual orien-
tation, what is the nature of those differences, and how did they come
about? When did they first appear, and how long do they last? And, under-
scoring an ethical dimension, should these differences be recognized and
celebrated? That is, can they and should they be eliminated or, alterna-
tively, encouraged?
A thorough explanation of these issues is too large a task to be
undertaken here given the limited objectives for this book. In brief,
scholars have usually argued one of two positions: One, sexual minorities
are similar to heterosexuals in all respects except for certain aspects of their
sexuality or, two, sexual minorities are patently unique from heterosexuals
because of that very same sexuality. With the first approach, developmental
questions usually center on the degree to which gay and straight people
resemble each other. The ways in which same-sex sexuality affects
development are minimized. Those who embrace the second approach
emphasize the disparities between gay and straight people. They are of
two sorts: Those who argue that the very existence of same-sex attractions
leads individuals to a unique life history and those who believe that
biological or early psychosocial factors cause the distinctiveness of sexual
minorities. Thus, because lesbian, bisexual, and gay people are treated
differently by culture, they ultimately evolve unique developmental histor-
ies from heterosexual people, or they lead distinctive developmental
trajectories because of their unique biological or psychosocial heritage.
7
Note that few in this debate are particularly concerned with how
heterosexual attractions emerge or how the behavior, appearance, and
emotions of heterosexuals are similar or dissimilar to those of sexual
minorities.
Using as an example the purported difficult relations noted in the
popular literature that gay sons and lesbian daughters have with their same-
sex parent, the second approach should be clarified. Advocates of a cultural
interpretation of sexual-minority development might explain the impaired
relations as a direct result of the inevitable conflicts that emerge when
children do not act out the gender ideal that their parents have for their
same-sex children. They do not share a parent’s sex-typical interests-for
reasons that are of little interest to proponents of this view or are supposedly
the result of random variations-such as team sports or cooking, thus creating
strained relationships. In contrast, defenders of a biological perspective might
place primary emphasis on scientific evidence that supports prenatal hor-
monal determinants for sex-appropriate or sex-inappropriate behavior. Sex
atypicality, in turn, leads to conflicts with the expectations and demands
of a same-sex parent.
This book avoids these debates by proposing an alternative develop-
mental perspective. O n the basis of research findings, clinical observations,
and the personal experiences of sexual-minority youths, it is clear that
sexual-minority youths are both the same as all other adolescents and unique
as a group of adolescents. This more developmentally defensible position
acknowledges the sameness and the diversity that characterize most lives.
For example, gay and lesbian individuals might indeed have both sex-atypical
neurological structures that inimitably shape their attitudes, beliefs, and
abilities and age-appropriate conflicts with their parents that result from
differing views about suitable gender behavior for the child. One must
remember, however, that in most areas of biological anatomy and chemistry,
sexual-minority individuals are indistinguishable from heterosexuals and
that all parents and adolescents have periods of friction, regardless of the
sexual orientation of the child.
What I propose is the existence of multiple developmental pathways,
or trajectories, among sexual-minority children and adolescents. Diversity
exists in many forms, especially in the ways in which sexual orientation
shapes development. For example, some adolescents feel so driven by their
sexuality that they disclose to their parents as soon as they are able to say
the words to themselves; others vow never to tell their parents because they
fear the repercussions of that disclosure (e.g., having to finance their own
college education). We must acknowledge not only characteristics thought
to distinguish heterosexuals and sexual minorities but also those within
sexual-minority populations.
8 MOM.DAD.I’M GAY
DIFFERENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL TRAJECTORIES
Development is determined to a large degree by what has previously

transpired in an individual’s life, including genetic predispositions, environ-
mental events, and their interactions. Yet, within any life history, turning
points or critical incidents occur that set particular developmental processes
or transitions in motion. One of these for many sexual-minority youths
is their parents’ discovery of the youth’s sexuality. Wide variations exist
concerning when, how, and why this occurs, thus supporting a perspective
of diversity.
In its most general terms, a differential developmental trajectories perspec-
tive seeks to replace traditional conceptions of sexual-minority development
that view an individual’s life as progressing in an orderly series of ideal or
typical stages. Differential is the variability within a single life, across multiple
individual lives, and among diverse groups of individuals. Development refers
to changes and continuities over time in an individual’s life course across
a number of domains, including biological, psychological, and social arenas.
These processes may appear continuous with previous ones, or disconnected,
and reflect both quantitative (in amount, such as increases in sexual libido)
and qualitative (in kind, such as emotional understanding of whether the
direction of the libido is toward females, males, both, or none) aspects.
Trajectories accents the momentum and shape of development, which can
appear linear, inverted, spiral, circular, or unpredictable.’
From this perspective, behavior is often driven by internal processes
put into motion by biological systems, as well as by external events, including
proximal factors such as friends and family and distal influences such as
societal heterocentrism and homonegativism.’ Sexual-minority individuals
are not perceived as merely robotic or predetermined in their reactions to
societal forces that converge on their lives but are, as researcher Laurence
Steinberg wrote, “active, changing agents who select and affect the environ-
ments in which they participate.” Consistent with Steinberg’s view of devel-
opmental trajectories, diversity is created in individual lives because of the
unique blend of determinants that are “in part charted for the adolescent
by others or by society, [and] routes toward an endpoint that are chosen,
or even created, by an active, self-directed organism.”’
The focus advocated here is one that portrays sexual-minority individu-
als as both similar to others regardless of sexual orientation and unique
because of their sexual orientation. This entails four types of investigations:
1. those that explore general characteristics and developmental

processes of sexual-minority individuals that are similar to
those that affect all humans;
DIFFERENTiAL D E V E L O P M E N T A L TRAJECTORIES 9
2. those that distinguish same-sex development as dissimilar from
the development of other sexual orientations;
3. those that describe variations among sexual-minority individu-
als based on a range of personal and social characteristics that
remain constant or are transformed through the life course; and
4. those that explore the uniqueness of the individual, regardless
of sexual orientation.
That is, in some respects, the lives of sexual-minority youths share common-
alities with all other adolescents or subgroups of adolescents regardless of
sexual orientation, with all other sexual-minority youths, with subgroups of
such youths, and with no other adolescent who has ever lived. Thus, any
presumption that sexual-minority individuals share identical developmental
pathways becomes not only implausible but also a gross misrepresentation
of their lives.
WE ARE THE SAME
The assertion that sexual-minority individuals are the same as hetero-

sexual individuals in developmentally significant ways might appear self-
evident but is frequently lost on those who portray sexual-minority youths
almost as if they were alien beings-as unhealthy, unnatural, and undesir-
able. For them, concerned parents should be “on guard” with the moral
courage, if not always with accurate information, needed to convince their
vulnerable child that she or he could not be lesbian or gay. Their vested
interest in designating the gay adolescent as unlike the heterosexual adoles-
cent is straightforward and understandable. For example, in response to
recent discrimination lawsuits, the Boy Scouts of America have maintained
that a “homosexual” adolescent is a heterosexual boy who has been trans-
formed by an early sexual experience or by the message that “gay is okay”
given to him by “homosexual” role models.4 Clearly, some individuals and
organizations would be opposed to the perspective that in most respects
sexual-minority youths are the same as most other adolescents.
The “we are the same’’position has also been lost on some gay-friendly
individuals and organizations who often cite a long litany of ways in which
young sexual-minority youths deviate from their heterosexual counterparts.
Perhaps this position is assumed to convey the pain of growing up gay, to
point the finger of accusation at an uncaring mainstream culture, to justify
resources for interventions with these youths, and to enter mainstream
institutions to educate about the unique needs of sexual-minority youths.
Media interpretations of these representations often portray being young,
gay, and proud as an oxymoron-impossible to achieve in North American
10 MOM, DAD.I’M GAY

culture. These youths appear to be a weak lot, defenseless in the face of a
troubled world. Are there no resilient, strong sexual-minority youths who
have coped, survived, and thrived? If sexual-minority youths are at high
risk for committing or attempting suicide, abusing drugs, prostituting them-
selves, and becoming infected with HIV, then how similar can they be to
heterosexual youths? Studies that build into their research design a gay-
versus-straight paradigm assume by their very nature that these are two
separate populations of adolescents. One is “normal” and the other is not.
Guess which is not.
In most respects sexual-minority youths are essentially similar to hetero-
sexual youths, with comparable, although not always identical, biological
and psychosocial developmental tasks. The very foundation of a differential
developmental trajectories approach implies that adolescents are first, fore-
most, and always adolescents, and this fact must be remembered in any
accurate rendering of their lives. An adolescem is an adolescent is an
adolescent. Regardless of sexual orientation, adolescents have growth spurts,
menses, nocturnal emissions, secondary sex characteristics, and acne; regard-
less of sexual orientation, adolescents must negotiate issues of attachment,
intimacy, autonomy, individuation, and identity. For example, in an earlier
publication I document that the timing of pubertal maturation of gay or
bisexual male adolescents is identical to that of heterosexual youths and
that late maturers, regardless of sexual orientation, were at a disadvantage
on sexual and mental health domain^.^ A review of the literature demon-
strates that lesbian and bisexual female adolescents vary little from hetero-
sexual adolescents in self-esteem level, ego development, or self-concept.6
Although sexual minorities are more similar to heterosexuals than not,
sexual orientation can be developmentally influential. In distinctive ways,
sexual-minority youths vary from their heterosexual peers.
WE ARE DIFFERENT
By writing a book devoted to the voices of sexual-minority youths, I

am assuming that sexual orientation is an important context for understand-
ing how individuals come to be who they are. Thus, because of their sexuality,
sexual-minority youths necessarily experience a substantially different life
course than do heterosexual youths. Sexual orientation does not necessarily
dictate the essence of what it means to be human, but it does serve to
demarcate some aspects of development.
This is likely for both biological and psychosocial reasons. Although
the evidence is far from definitive, especially regarding lesbians and bisexuals
(of both sexes), sexual-minority youths appear to vary from heterosexual
youths in their biological (genetic or prenatal hormone environment)
DIFFERENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL TRAJECTORIES If

makeup. For example, various studies have found that “homosexual” individ-
uals differ from heterosexuals in particular aspects of their neuroanatomy,
physiology, and physical features7 Differences have been reported in the
hypothalamus, hormonal levels during prenatal life, penis size, and shoulder-
to-hip ratios. Psychosocial research has documented that as a consequence
of growing up nonheterosexual amid heterosexual family members, close
friends, and societal institutions (e.g., schools and religious organizations)
that presume and prescribe exclusive heterosexuality, sexual-minority
adolescents are challenged to negotiate between being true to self and
becoming what is expected of them. This task permeates their daily lives
in ways not encountered by heterosexual youths when they express their
sexuality. The consequences may be negative, such as increased levels of
emotional distress and substance abuse,8 or positive, such as feelings of
specialness or creativity.
These differences, which have been presumed to exist only between
sexual-minority and heterosexual populations, may also distinguish subpopu-
lations of sexual-minority youths. This is the “hottest” and most promising
area of research on sexual minorities.
WE DIFFER AMONG OURSELVES
The are-they-the-same-or-are-they-different debate must not, but often

does, conceal the enormous diversity that is apparent within sexual-minority
populations. Developmental trajectories may be unique to groups of individu-
als, regardless of sexual orientation, based on macro factors such as gender,
race, ethnicity, and class, or micro factors such as personality characteristics
or real-world experiences. For example, adolescent girls generally achieve
higher levels of intimacy, sensitivity, and empathy in their close relationships
than do adolescent boys, regardless of sexual orientation. Thus, it is to be
expected that the romantic relationships of same-sex attracted women are
more likely to evolve from same-sex friendships and to be characterized by
emotional intimacy than are those among gay male youths.’ Among various
ethnic groups, Asian American sexual-minority youths are least likely to
violate the taboo of disclosing to parents and to engage in same-sex activity
at an early age.” Furthermore, within each of these gender and ethnic
classifications of individuals reside further subgroups, which can be stable
or fluid over time, based on any number of characteristics. Because of their
personality style, sex-role behavior, gender identity, exposure to particular
experiences, or personal belief systems, some sexual-minority boys are more
similar to girls of all sexual persuasions than other boys, and some Asian
Americans behave as if they were more White than Asian.

Examples of unique sexual-minority subgroups are boundless, and most
have not been empirically verified. Growing up lesbian in Northampton,
Massachusetts, is not the same as growing up lesbian in a small Missouri
town. Being gay in a Puerto Rican family is not the same as being gay in
a Mexican family. Some girls do not recall having early childhood same-
sex attractions prior to identifying as lesbian but understand their sexual
identity within the context of exposure to a college women’s studies course
or within a romantic relationship. Some boys are sex-centric, having sex
with another boy before labeling themselves as gay, whereas other boys are
identity-centric, declaring their same-sex status prior to engaging in gay
sex. Some youths claim a bisexual, gay, or lesbian identity without sexual
experiences. Others have had many same-sex encounters and do not identify
as anything other than heterosexual. Some same-sex attracted individuals
eschew a sexual identity label altogether. Other individuals claim a lesbian,
gay, or bisexual label without same-sex attractions.“
With this level of diversity, it is a misnomer to declare a singular
“gay lifestyle.” Similarities across individuals exist, to be sure, but future
investigations need to assess these in greater detail than has been done
heretofore. This fact does not negate, of course, what any clinician or
educator knows-the uniqueness of individual lives.
WE ARE EACH UNIQUE
This perspective, that every human being is unique insofar that no

one like him or her has ever lived before or will in the future, is often lost
in scientific presentations of data. It is the indispensable aspect of existence,
however, for one venue of information-the life history accounts of youths
that are narrated in “coming-out” books.I2 These histories are extremely
popular among sexual-minority youths who are searching not so much to
discover an identical tale but to find a story similar to themselves with
which to identify. This process may well help alleviate feelings of alienation
and isolation in ways sorely missed by more conventional methods of writing.
As such, they serve an invaluable purpose.
DEFINITIONS
Several terms used throughout the book are defined here. These con-
cepts have multiple shades of meanings, thus descriptions given below should
not be construed as definitive for all contexts.
DIFFERENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL TRPJECTORlES 13

Sexual Orientation and Sexual Identity
When sexual orientation is considered as a context for development,

the distinction between sexual orientation and sexual identity must be clear.
The contrast between the two is often conceptualized as the distinction
between an ever-present, invariant biological or psychological truth (sexual
orientation) and a historically and culturally located social construction
(sexual identity). Although this distinction oversimplifies both constructs,
it is useful to clarify several developmental issues facing children and adoles-
cents with same-sex attractions. For example, the differentiation between
orientation and identity stipulates that an individual with a same-sex or an
opposite-sex sexual orientation need not claim or acknowledge a similar
sexual identity. A teenage boy with a same-sex orientation may engage in
occasional sexual activity with girls to maintain his heterosexual veneer
but consider himself bisexual. An adolescent girl who identifies herself as
lesbian may in fact be bisexual in her sexual orientation hut is afraid to claim
this orientation as her identity because she perceives more communities for
lesbian than for bisexual women.
Sexual orientation refers to the preponderance of sexual or erotic feelings,
thoughts, and fantasies one has for members of one sex or the other,
both, or neither. It is present from an early age, perhaps by conception if
caused by genetic factors, during prenatal life if caused by biological or
environmental factors acting on the developing fetus, or by age 5 if caused
by psychogenic factors. Sexual orientation is generally considered to he
immutable, stable, and internally consonant, although this is a matter of
some contention among lesbian and bisexual women.’>Sexual orientation
is not subject to conscious control, influences but is independent of sexual
conduct and sexual identity, and is multidimensional. Many individuals
possess degrees of homoerotic and heteroerotic attractions and feelings; thus,
homosexuality and heterosexuality may merely he the ends of a continuum
on which we all fall. Others maintain that sexual orientation is a categorical
variable in which people can be classified as heterosexual, homosexual,
or bisexual.
Sexual identity represents a socially recognized category that names the
perceptions, feelings, and meanings that an individual holds about her or
his sexual feelings, attractions, and behaviors. The label occurs within a
pool of potential sexual identities that are defined and given meaning by
the culture and historic time in which one lives. Sexual identity is symbolized
by such statements as “I am gay” and is thus a matter of personal choice.
For some individuals, sexual identity remains fluid during the life course,
probably not on a day-to-day basis, and is not necessarily consistent with
sexual orientation, fantasies, or behavior.
14 MOM,DAD. I’M GAY.

Sexual Minority
Sexual minority is a descriptive term that refers to a wide range of

individuals who apply diverse sexual identifications or behaviors to them-
selves. It includes all those who do not adhere to the perceived “normalcy”
of heterosexuality. A more pedestrian definition is that sexual minority
includes individuals who engage in a variety of sexual behaviors and identi-
ties that are seldom discussed in most homes. Included in this group are
sadists, masochists, those who engage in anal and oral sexual behavior,
all same-sex attracted individuals, and individuals who have any other
conceivable identification or behavior that does not meet cultural standards
of normal heterosexuality. This definition is somewhat inadequate because
adult virgins (regardlessof sexual orientation) and asexuals are sexual minori-
ties and yet socially and religiously conservative groups would generally
applaud them for this “moral” behavior.
In a more restricted sense, and the one used in this text, the term
sexual minorities refers to individuals who report that they are gay, lesbian,
bisexual, transgender, transsexual, unlabeled, or sexually questioning, or
have same-sex attractions. When my reference point is solely to lesbian,
bisexual, and gay individuals, these terms are used instead.
Heterocentrism and Heterosexism
Heterocentrism is the assumption that development “naturally”proceeds

in a heterosexual direction. This perspective is so pervasive in culture
that individuals unthinkingly act in ways that assume all individuals are
heterosexual. Thus, girls are asked if they have boyfriends and when are
they going to marry; boys are asked if they like the most recent Playboy
centerfold and are seldom quizzed if they prefer the Playgirl alternative.
When heterocentrism becomes judgmental, then heterosexism exists-girls
who have boyfriends rather than girlfriends are considered to be better and
healthier, and boys who are turned on by female rather than male images
are believed to be more normal and better adjusted.
Homonegativity and Homophobia
Homonegativity refers to negative feelings, attitudes, and behaviors

toward those with same-sex attractions. Homophobia is a popular term that
is frequently used rather than homonegativity. However, I prefer to reserve
this term for the more emotional expressions of negative attitudes toward
homosexuality and gay people. Thus, the belief that homosexuality is not
an equally viable way of life is homonegativity; to implement that belief
DIFFERENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL TRPJECTORIES I5

by verbally abusing suspected gay people or by committing violent acts
against perceived gay people constitutes homophobia.
Stage Models
Clinical and developmental psychologists first proposed coming-out

models or sexual identity models over two decades ago. These theoretical
constructions describe the advent of a same-sex identity through a series of
invariant steps or stages by which individuals recognize, make sense of, give
a name to, and publicize their status as lesbian or gay (bisexuality is seldom
addressed). The reification of these “master” models to explain nonhetero-
sexuality remains popular today.14Although diverse in conceptual underpin-
nings, they are nearly universal in their stage sequences and assumptions
regarding the ways in which youths move from a private, at times unknown,
same-sex sexuality to a public, integrated sexuality. Healthy development
involves movement along a predetermined developmental sequence with
advanced status or maturity marked by the author as the attainment of the
final stage.” For example, most models mark the onset of sexual identity
development as the individual’s first awareness of same-sex attractions, pre-
sumed to occur in late childhood or early adolescence. This is followed
some years later by a period of testing and exploration, during which youths
seek information about similarly attracted individuals or engage in experi-
mentation with same-sex sexual contact. After adopting a sexual-minority
label and disclosing this to others, the person’s final stages of identity
development often entail disclosure to parents, romantic relationships, polit-
ical activism, assimilation, and integration of one’s sexual identity within
other spheres of life. Development is thus generally perceived as linear,
invariant, universal, inevitable, and predictable across individuals who share
some real or hypothesized commonalities.
O n the positive side, coming-out models have generated considerable
interest in developmental issues regarding sexual identity, focused attention
on lesbian and gay youths (because this is when most milestones are pur-
ported to occur), and isolated aspects of development for further research.
However, coming-out models have also had their downside.
Most profoundly, they are not true-at least in a universal sense.
Although a linear progression is intuitively appealing, extant research sug-
gests it seldom characterizes the lives of real sexual-minority youths.16Rather,
considerable diversity exists among youths of different backgrounds, cohorts,
and ethnicities regarding the paths taken to sexual-minority identification.
Some of the most notable deviations from the standard model have been
documented among women with same-sex attra~ti0ns.l~ Perhaps this is to
be expected, given that most coming-out models were derived from exclu-
16 MOM. DAD. I’M GAY

sively male samples. Lisa Diamond found little use for these male-oriented
“master narratives” in her research with sexual-minority women.
Although coming-out models are inherently male-centric, recent re-
search suggests that they do not even characterize the lives of current cohorts
of males with same-sex attractions. For example, only 2% of male youths
and none of the young women interviewed for this book followed the stylized
sexual-identity models. Many did not use sex to help them figure out their
identity but knew who they were prior to gay sex.’8
Coming-out models simplify a complex, evolving process. One cannot
understand the development of nonheterosexuality so easily. In critiquing
such models, numerous researchers have called for a multidimensional ap-
proach to sexual identity de~elopment.’~
Similarly, grieflmowming stage models have been proposed to describe
the reactions of parents once they discover their child is lesbian, gay, or
bisexuaL2’ Once parents are confronted with the reality of their child’s
sexual orientation, these models suggest that a parent “coming-out” process
is initiated “whereby parents are given the opportunity to restructure expec-
tations and goals for the future life course of their children.”” Parents
supposedly react with symptoms of grief and mourning, progressing through
a series of stages similar to those described by Kubler-Ross after the shock
of learning of one’s own impending death: denial, anger, bargaining, depres-
sion, and acceptance.2‘As is evident in chapter 3, these models are both
simplistic and untrue.
CONCLUSION
The family of origin plays a pivotal role in the lives of sexual-minority

youths, as it does for all youths. In this the reader will knowingly see the
standard “adolescence)’in many of the narratives that constitute the primary
source of information for this book. These are the struggles faced by all
youths growing up in American society as they negotiate new and old
relations with family members. In keeping with a differential developmental
trajectories perspective, also apparent are the unique concerns of youths
who are not heterosexual. They too want to maintain good relations with
their family and yet they fear that their “unconventional” sexuality will
disrupt this goal.
For some youths, coming out to parents results in becoming alienated
from their families, whereas for others, nothing is changed or the relationship
improves once the secret is out. One possible way in which these variations
can be understood is by examining subpopulation differences. In this book,
disparities in gender development are emphasized-those encountered by
DIFFERENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL TRAJECTORIES 17

daughters and sons in their experience with their same-sex or other-sex
parent.
The personal lives reflected in these accounts attest to the combination
of life circumstances that are marvels in their individuality, illustrating the
diverse relationships sexual-minority youths and their parents have with each
other-the essence of a differential developmental trajectories perspective.
ENDNOTES
’ For earlier discussions of this perspective, see Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998).

“ . . . and then I became gay”: Young men’s stories. New York: Routledge; and Savin-
Williams, R. C., & Diamond, L. M. (1998). Sexual orientation. In W. K. Silverman
& T. H. Ollendick (Eds.), Developmental issues in the clinical treatment of children
(pp. 241-258). Boston: AHyn & Bacon.
* Definitions of these terms are provided later in this chapter.
’ Both quotes on p. 248 in Steinberg, L. (1995). Commentary: O n develop-
mental pathways and social contexts in adolescence. In L. J. Crockett & A. C.
Crouter (Eds.), Pathways through adolescence: Indiwidual development in relation to
social contexts (pp. 245-253). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.
4These arguments were made in a recent civil lawsuit, Roland D. Pool #
Michael S. Geller v. National Capital Area Council, Boy Scouts of America, (1998)
in which I served as an expert witness for the plaintiffs on the science of sexual
orientation. Ultimately, the Boy Scouts dismissed the empirical evidence because
it was not perfect or indisputable. For the Boy Scouts, moral authority took prece-
dence over scientific authority.
Savin-Williams, R. C. (1995). An exploratory study of pubertal maturation
timing and self-esteem among gay and bisexual male youths. Developmental Psychol-
ogy, 3 I , 56-64.
6See chapter 2 in Savin-Williams, R. C. (1990). Gay and lesbian youth:
Expressions of identity. New York: Hemisphere.
’ See chapters by Ellis, L. (1996). Theories of homosexuality and the role of
perinatal factors in determining sexual orientation. In R. C. Savin-Williams &
K. M. Cohen (Eds.), The lives oflesbians, gays, and bisexuals: Children to adults (pp.
11-34, 35-70). Fort Worth, TX: Harcourt Brace College; and Hershberger, S. L.
(1998). Homosexuality. In H. Friedman (Ed.), Encyclopedia of mental health, Vol.
2 (pp. 403-419). San Diego, CA: Academic Press.
‘This was a point I made in a 1994 review of the literature, Verbal and
physical abuse as stressors in the lives of lesbian, gay male, and bisexual youths:
Associations with school problems, running away, substance abuse, prostitution,
and suicide. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 62, 261-269. A more
recent report with a nationwide, representative sample of adolescents found same-
sex attracted youths had these kinds of problems. The study was conducted by
Udry, J. R., & Bearman, P. (1997). Reducing the risk: Connections that make a
difference in the lives of youth. Bethesda, MD: Burness Communications.

Examples are available in Dub&,E. M., Savin-Williams, R. C., & Diamond,
L. M. (2001). Intimacy development, gender, and ethnicity among sexual-minority
youths. In A. R. DAugelli & C. J. Patterson (Eds.), Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
identities and youths: Psychologd perspectives. New York: Oxford University Press.
lo Dub6, E. M., & Savin-Williams, R. C. (1999). Sexual identity development
among ethnic sexual-minority male youths. Developmental Psychology, 3 5 , 1389%
1399.
I ’ Empirical evidence and examples of these points are provided in Diamond,
L. M. (1998). The development of sexual orientation among adolescent and young
adult women. Developmental Psychology, 34, 1085-1095; Dub& E. M. (2000). The
role of sexual behavior in the identification process of gay and bisexual males.
journal of Sex Research, 37, 123-132; and Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998). “ . . . and
then I became gay”: Young men’s stories. New York: Routledge.
l 2 Many of these accounts are available in relatively cheap paperbacks and
are a fascinating read. Without attempting to be comprehensive, several of these
are referenced in endnote 2 of chapter 1.
l 3 See discussion of the fluidity of some women’s sexual orientation in Brown,
L. S. (1995). Lesbian identities: Concepts and issues. In A. R. DAugelli & C. J.

Patterson (Eds.), Lesbian, gay, and bisexual identities ouer the lifespan (pp. 3-23). New
York: Oxford University Press; Diamond, L. M. (1998). The development of sexual
orientation among adolescent and young adult women. Developmental Psychology,
34, 1085-1095; Golden, C. (1996). What’s in a name? Sexual self-identification
among women. In R. C. Savin-Williams & K. M. Cohen (Eds.), The lives oflesbians,
gays, and bisexuals: Chikiren to adults (pp. 229-249). Fort Worth, TX: Harcourt
Brace College; Kitzinger, C. ( 1987). The social construction of lesbianism. London:
Sage; Kitzinger, C., & Wilkinson, S. (1995). Transitions from heterosexuality to
lesbianism:The discursive production of lesbian identities. Developmental Psychology,
31, 95-104; Rust, P. (1992). The politics of sexual identity: Sexual attraction and
behavior among lesbian and bisexual women. Social Problems, 39, 366-386; and
Rust, P. (1993). Coming out in the age of social constructionism: Sexual identity
formation among lesbians and bisexual women. Gender and Society, 7, 50-77.
l 4 For example, within the last several years, the journal of Homosexuality has
published numerous articles in the following volumes addressing sexual identity
models. Brady, S., & Busse, W. J. (1994). The Gay Identity Questionnaire: A brief
measure of homosexual identity formation, 26, 1-22; Cox, S., & Gallois, C. (1996).
Gay and lesbian identity development: A social identity perspective, 30, 1-30;
Eliason, M. J. (1996). Identity formation for lesbian, bisexual and gay persons:
Beyond a “minoritizing” view, 30, 3 1-58; Fassinger, R. E., & Miller, B. A. (1996).
Validation of an inclusive model of sexual minority formation on a sample of gay
men, 32, 53-78; Levine, H. (1997). A further exploration of the lesbian identity
development process and its measurement, 34, 67-78; and Morris, J. F. (1997).
Lesbian coming out as a multidimensional process, 33, 1-22.
I‘ Theoretical models have included psychoanalytic, cognitive, symbolic inter-
action, and social learning perspectives. See Cass, V. (1979). Homosexual identity
formation: A theoretical model. journal of Homosexuality, 4 , 219-235; Cass, V.
( 1984).Homosexual identity: A concept in need of a definition. journal ofHomosexu-

ality, 9, 105-126; Coleman, E. (1981/1982). Developmental stages of the coming
out process. Journal of Homosexuality, 7, 31-43; Plummer, K. (1975). Sexual stigma:
An inteructionist account. Boston: Routledge & Kegan Paul; Sophie, J. (1985/1986).
A critical examination of stage theories of lesbian identity development. Journal
of Homosexuality, 12, 39-51; Troiden, R. R. (1979). Becoming homosexual: A
model of gay identiry acquisition. Psychiatry, 42, 362-373; and Troiden, R. R.
( 1989). The formation of homosexual identities. Journalof Homosexuality, 17,43-73.
McConnell, J. H. (1994) discussed additional limitations and uses of these stage
models, in Lesbian and gay male identities as paradigms. In S. L. Archer (Ed.),
Interventions for adolescent identity development (pp. 103-1 18). Thousand Oaks,
CA: Sage.
l 6 For a critique of these models, see Cohen, K. M., & Savin-Williams, R. C.
(1996). Developmental perspectives on coming our to self and others. In R. C.
Savin-Williams & K. M. Cohen (Eds.), The lives of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals:
Children to adults (pp. 113-151). Fort Worth, TX: Harcourt Brace College; Eliason,
M. J. (1996). An inclusive model of lesbian identity assumption. Journal of Gay,
Lesbian, and Bisexual Identity, 1 , 3-19; McConnell, J. H. (1994). Lesbian and gay
male identities as paradigms. In S. L. Archer (Ed.), Interventions for adolescent identity
development (pp. 103-118). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage; and Morris, J. F. (1997).
Lesbian coming out as a multidimensional process. Journal of Homosexuality, 33,
1-22.
I i Recent evidence is available in Diamond, L. M. (1998). The development
of sexual orientation among adolescent and young adult women. Developmental

Psychology, 34, 1085-1095; Golden, C. (1996). What’s in a name? Sexual self-
identification among women. In R. C. Savin-Williams & K. M. Cohen (Eds.), The
lives of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals: Children to adults (pp. 229-249). Fort Worth,
TX: Harcourt Brace College; and Rust, P. (1993). Coming out in the age of social
constructionism: Sexual identity formation among lesbians and bisexual women.
Gender and Society, 7, 50-77.
‘‘See recent publications by Dub6, E. M. (2000). The role of sexual behavior
in the identification process of gay and bisexual males. Journal of Sex Research, 37,
123-132; Dub6, E. M., & Savin-Williams, R. C. (1999). Sexual identity develop-
ment among ethnic sexual-minority male youths. Developmental Psychology, 35,
1389-1399; and Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998). . . . and then I became gay”: Young
“
men’s stories. New York: Routledge.

l 9 Suggestions for alternatives are available in Eliason, M. J. (1996). An
inclusive model of lesbian identity assumption. Journal of Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual
Identity, 1, 3-19; Eliason, M. J. (1996). Identity formation for lesbian, bisexual, and
gay persons: Beyond a “minoritizing” view. Journal of Homosexuality, 30, 31-58;
Morris, J. (1997). Lesbian coming our as a multidimensional process. Journal of
Homosexuality, 33, 1-22; and Peplau, L. A., Garnets, L. D., Spalding, L. R., Conley,
T. D., & Veniegas, R. C. (1998). A critique of Bem’s “exotic becomes erotic”
theory of sexual orientation. Psychological Review, 10.5, 387-394.
zc Anderson, D. (1987). Family and peer relations of gay adolescents. Adoles-
cent Psychiatry, 15, 163-178; Bernstein, B. (1990). Attitudes and issues of parents
of gay men and lesbians and implications for therapy. Journal of Gay and Lesbian
20 MOM, DAD. I’M GAY

Psychotherapy, 1, 37-53; Borhek, M. V. (1993). Coming out to parents: A two-way
survival guide for lesbians and gay men and their parents (2nd ed.). Cleveland, OH:
Pilgrim; Bozett, F. W., & Sussman, M. B. (1989). Homosexuality and family rela-
tions: Views and research issues. Marriage and Family Review, 14, 1-7; Brown, L. S.
(1988). Lesbians, gay men and their families. Journal of Gay and Lesbian Psychother-
apy, I , 65-77; DeVine, J. L. (1984). A systemic inspection of affectional preference
orientation and the family of origin. Journal of Social Work and Human Sexuality,
2,9-17; Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). O n death and dying. New York: MacMillan; Martin,
A. D. (1982). Learning to hide: The socialization of the gay adolescent. Adolescent
Psychiatry, 10, 52-65; Myers, M. F. (1982). Counseling the parents of young homo-
sexual male patients. Journal of Homosexuality, 7, 131-143; Pearlman, S. (1992).
Heterosexual mothers/lesbian daughters: Parallels and similarities. Journal of Feminist
Family Therapy, 4, 1-21; Robinson, B. E., Walters, L. H., & Skeen, P. (1989).
Response of parents to learning that their child is homosexual and concern over
AIDS: A national study. Journal of Homosexuality, 18, 59-80; Strommen, E. F.
( 1989). “You’rea what?”:Family member reactions to the disclosure of homosexual-
ity. Journal offfomosexuality, 18,37-58; Tremble, B., Schneider, M., & Appathurai,
C. (1989). Growingup gay or lesbian in a multicultural context.JournalofHomosexu-
ality, 17, 253-267; Wirth, S. (1978). Coming out close to home: Principles for
psychotherapy with families of lesbian and gay men. Catalyst, 3, 6-22.
” Page 86 in Boxer, A. M., Cook, J. A., & Herdt, G. (1991). Double jeopardy:
Identity transitions and parent-child relations among gay and lesbian youth. In
K. Pillemer & K. McCartney (Eds.), Parent-child relations throughout life (pp. 59-92).
Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum; see also Coleman, E., & Remafedi, G. (1989). Gay, lesbian,
and bisexual adolescents: A critical challenge to counselors. Journal of Counseling
and Dewelopment, 68, 36-40.
*’ Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). O n death and dying. New York: MacMillan.

RELATIONS WITH PARENTS
I first sensed that Richard was “different” when he was 9.

He never seemed to care for games young boys play. I would take
him to baseball games, despite his protestations, and he would be some-
where out there watching the grass grow, or the birds soaring to the
heavens. Richard was happier when he was in a comer reading, drawing,
or making his own comic books. . . .
My heart sank. It was something I knew I had to face eventually. I
had rehearsed a scene in my mind where Richard told me he was gay,
and I was calm and understanding of it. But here it was, the moment
of truth, and I felt confused. I also felt angry that he didn’t trust me
enough to let me know sooner.
But all I could manage for a reply at that time was, “That’s okay,”
and left it at that. . . .
Yes, my son is gay, and that is just fine. That in no way changes the
fact that he was the bundle of joy I held in my arms 28 years ago, or
the child whose eyes followed the flight of the bird rather than the ball
in the softball field, or the young man who continues to do me proud
by his academic and professional accomplishments.
Richard is the same son that makes me happy simply by knowing
that he is now truly free and happy.’
Elsie Uyeda Chung’s written reactions to having a gay son were offered
as a Mother’s Day gift to other parents. Her experience is a common one
among mothers of sexual-minority children in that she had early suspicions
that her son was not “typical” of other children, later suppositions that the
difference meant homosexuality, and a generally positive response to the
“news.” Her closing statement-that her son is the same as before she knew
he was gay and that he is now happier and freer-is one that many parents
articulate, if not immediately after they learn about the nonheterosexuality
of their child, then at a later time.
Her story, however, is contrary to many popular self-help books com-
posed for, and sometimes by, parents of gay children. These books often
portray the child’s act of disclosure as necessarily creating a crisis within
the family that may never be fully resolved. Lesions in family relationships
23
are inflicted with wounds that may not withstand later attempts to amend;
parents likely encounter unique developmental issues not faced when all
immediate members are heterosexual. The popular literature promotes the
view that no task is more difficult or omnipresent for each affected parent,
or riskier for family relationships, than the disclosure of same-sex desires by
children to family members. The family’s reactions can result in youths
being disowned, thrown out of the home, or emotionally or physically
harassed. From this perspective, because parents feel that their child has
rejected them and all they have worked for, the development of healthy
family relationships may be impossible to achieve.
In this chapter I review the popular and empirical literatures regarding
the relationships sexual-minority youths have with their parents, including
what is known regarding the importance of parents for sexual-minority
youths and the association between disclosure to parents and the youths’
psychological health. The focus then turns toward parents. First, attention
is given to the various reactions parents have to their child’s disclosure. To
illustrate the nature of each, I provide exemplary narratives that are taken
from news accounts, popular literature, and interviews of sexual-minority
youths and their parents. Empirical research that addresses the nature of
the reaction is also reviewed. The inclusion of both personal narratives and
empirical research is intended to highlight the contrast between the two
and to suggest ways in which they might inform each other. Factors that
predict how parents react to the discovery that they have a lesbian daughter
or gay son are also included.
Two final points: It is not my intent to discount the perspectives
advanced by the personal stories of sexual-minority youths and their parents
but to present data from empirical investigations that systematically address
issues raised in these narratives. Second, attention is given only to heterosex-
ual parents with sexual-minority children. This is not to deny that sexual-
minority parents with sexual-minority children also exist, but as far as I can
discern, no empirical investigation has addressed these family compositions.
POPULAR LITERATURE
Adolescents, regardless of sexual orientation, value their families be-

cause they provide “physical and emotional sustenance, connect us with
our past, and provide a context within which we learn about the world.”2
Within this presumed loving milieu, individual members anticipate that
they will be nurtured in their growth and development. Indeed, consistent
with this view, most sexual-minority teenagers desire a close, positive rela-
tionship with family members-with the understanding that within the
family they can preserve their personal sense of integrity, live according to

the dictates of being true to self and honest with others, and express their
sexual id en tit^.^ Yet, some youths admit to considerable anger because they
were parented as if they were heterosexual and not as who they really are.
This condition necessitates that some conceal their true identity until they
feel safer; others, perhaps anticipating negative outcomes were they to be
honest, sever emotional investment in the family to diminish the significance
of possible r e j e ~ t i o n .They
~ may construct elaborate webs of deceit that
result in limited communications, increased conflicts, and lost intimacy
between themselves and family members.
Indeed, some of the most exacting decisions facing sexual-minority
youths are whether they should reveal the nature of their sexuality to family
members and, if so, when and in what manner. Resolving these dilemmas
may very well challenge a youth’s willingness to accept a newly recognized
and labeled sexual identity. Thus, disclosure to the family may be one
of the most arduous declarations of individuation yet faced by a sexual-
minority youth.’
The popular literature on lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths and their
parents focuses on these difficult prospects. These are embedded in compel-
ling “coming-out” stories; self-help books for parents; and writings of clini-
cians, educators, counselors, and support professionals.6 The accent is on
the necessary trauma youths incur when they disclose to parents, or the
consequences of not disclosing, and the stages that parents experience in
coping with this unsettling news. No task is perceived as more intricate,
treacherous, or omnipresent as disclosing to parents. Many youths in these
stories who have not disclosed have few expectations that their parents will
react in a positive, supportive fashion to the news that they have a lesbian,
bisexual, or gay child. According to these accounts, parents expect their
children to be heterosexual, and any contrary information will not be greeted
with celebration. Perceiving few options other than to censor their same-sex
attractions, youths believe that if they were to deviate from the heterosexual
prescription, they would be implicitly or explicitly disowned and separated
from their family of origin. This creates a situation in which they could be
rejected, thrown out of the home, or physically or emotionally abused. One
writer observed, “Gay people may be, in fact, the only minority in America
whose families consistently reject them.”’ These youths and their parents
are described by clinicians, educators, and mental health professionals as
necessarily facing unique developmental issues not encountered by families
in which all immediate members are heterosexual.
Once parents are aware of their child’s nonheterosexual orientation,
these popular tracts portray parental emotions and actions that cause consid-
erable fear among lesbian daughters and gay sons. The spectrum of reactions
has been characterized by a number of writers as similar to those experienced
by individuals undergoing grief and mourning. Under such circumstances,
RELATIONS WITH PARENTS 25

sexual-minority youths may regret ever having disclosed to parents; relations
become strained and perhaps irreversibly damaged. Whether the youths’
fears of disclosure are real or imagined and whether parental reactions follow
the grieving or mourning stages are discussed later in this chapter.
The validity of the information just reviewed is difficult to ascertain
because relatively few pronouncements on sexual-minority youths and their
families are derived from scientific empirical data. However, because the
personal narratives are so opulent in their pathos, it is difficult to deny their
truthfulness without fear of being charged with insensitivity and blindness.
Indeed, the empirically unsubstantiated grieving stages have come to serve
as sources of hypothesis generation for a limited number of empirical investi-
gations of sexual-minority youths and their families. More commonly, how-
ever, we unquestioningly assume the information is true.
Thus, perhaps unwittingly, the personal narratives literature has con-
tributed to the view that sexual-minority youth disclosures and parental
reactions will be necessarily and universally traumatic. It is considered to
be the norm rather than the exception for familial chaos to reign once the
news is broken. Although few writers expressly defend the view that all youths
have identical lives and that all parents experience identical symptoms and
recoveries, their tracts implicitly make this assumption. Health care providers
and other professionals often embrace these models without question, which
then influences their subsequent treatment of bisexual, lesbian, and gay
youths and their parents.
For their part, researchers have provided strikingly little usable data
that address issues pertinent to sexual-minority youths and their families.
Indeed, at times they have contributed to the outrageous claims made by
popular literature-such as one half of all such youths are thrown out of
the home once they disclose.’ Although several studies examine whether
adolescents come out to parents and at what age, virtually no empirical
research investigates the decision-making process that adolescents undergo
prior to revealing their sexual identity to family members, the effects such
disclosures have on the youths and the family, and how their relationships
change over time.
IMPORTANCE OF PARENTS
Relations with parents are clearly a source of concern for many sexual-
minority youths. Damien Martin and Emory Hetrick, founders of the Harvey
Milk School in New York City, the nation’s first public school for youths
at-risk because of their sexual orientation, and the Hetrick-Martin Institute,
a New York City social and educational agency for sexual-minority youths,
noted that the second most common presenting problem among youths who

sought their assistance was relations with parents and other family members.
Youths felt isolated and alienated, feared what would happen once the
family discovered their homosexuality, and expected violence and expulsion
from the home.’ Knowing the parents’ heterosexual expectations of them
and their own deeply felt homoerotic desires led many youths to experience
guilt, shame, anger, and rejection.
A youth who finally comes to the point when he or she can say to
himself or herself, and perhaps to a best friend, “I’m gay” must subsequently
confront very difficult decisions-whether, when, and how to disclose to his
or her parents. Carolyn Griffin, Marian Wirth, and Arthur Wirth compiled
accounts of parents’ experiences with their children in Beyond Acceptance:
Parents of Lesbians and Gays Talk About Their Experiences.’’ Many youths
told their parents that they simply wanted to be loved and supported. Below
are two of the youth’s accounts:
I was now one of those “terrible people.” I took in the feeling that
there was something dreadfully wrong with me-something so awful
that if it was discovered, I might lose the parental love I was so dependent
on for a good part of my existence. Or, because of this deeply awful
thing about myself, I might be a source of great hurt to my parents. I
longed to tell them and to be told I was loved, no matter what. (p. 160)
I hope that you and Dad will just be supportive. And love me. I don’t
think that’s a small thing. Just be my mom and dad-the same as you
always have been. I guess that’s what I want. I don’t necessarily expect
you to accept everything or to like everything about the gay life style.
But I hope you’ll try to understand another person’s point of view and
accept me as much as you do my brother and sister. (pp. 165-166)
Motivations for being “out of the closet” vary from child to child, but
many of these youths long to be close to their families so that they can
lead authentic lives. If they “keep the secret” from their parents, then time
spent with the family is false, perhaps tense, and always less than ideal.
We don’t want to waste energy covering up the basic facts of our lives.
Also, we want to be out because some of our greatest strengths and
talents can only be expressed freely when we are completely ourselves.
When we are not out, to our families . . . the constraint that goes into
hiding and the inner conflict that daily drains our energy spells a real
waste of human intelligence, creativity, and sensitivity. (p. 164)
Some parents appreciate that love, rather than revenge, motivates

their child’s disclosure. They too desire to maintain family relations that
are positive and healthy for all concerned.
I know it was difficult for Mary to tell us; perhaps the most difficult
thing she’s ever had to do. She told us because she cares so much for

us. She felt she had to tell us, and I think she wanted to tell us. She
wanted us to share in her happiness. (p. 162)
Particularly insightful is the following parent, who sensed the dilemmas

for both parents and children.
It takes a lot of courage for our children to tell us. Particularly if they’re
close to us. That might seem to be a contradiction. But I think it’s
hard even for those who’ve had easy, good relationships with their
parents, because they don’t want to jeopardize that. And they don’t
want to hurt us. They think and hope we’ll accept it. But they’re not
positive. I think it’s important to realize that it’s very special, their
coming out to us. It’s interesting that all the parents I know are not
sorry their children told them, though they may have been at first. Even
though some of them went through hell, they still prefer to know.
(pp. 161-162)
Of course not all parents want their children to tell them the truth.
Mary Griffith felt numb after she was told, although for many years she had
subtle suspicions that her son Bobby was different from his peers.
Bobby liked being in the kitchen with Mom, or rummaging through
her costume-jewelry box in the bedroom, or playing with [his sister]
Joy’s things. Mary caught herself more than once shaping the word sissy
in her mind, then quickly suppressing the thought. The idea of Bobby’s
being somebody society didn’t approve of scared her, not only for Bobby’s
sake but also for hers. It didn’t help when Granny would visit and scold
Bobby for smearing on his mother’s lipstick or messing with Joy’s things.
She warned her daughter, “Mary, if you aren’t careful, this boy will turn
out a sissy.” (p. 45)”
After she discovered her son’s sexual orientation, Mary did everything
possible to hide this fact. “Not the church, not Granny and Grandfather,
none of the others” should know. It was humiliating. “Worst of all, the
revelation had blown apart the intimate familial contract; for all his family’s
protestations of love, the bubble had ruptured, and Bobby was on the outside
looking in” (p. 78).
Her well-meaning campaign to save her son had merely helped drive
him to his death. Bobby had believed the verdict pronounced by the
people he most trusted and cared about: his own family. And it was
wrong! The enormity of this revelation was almost harder to bear than
the three years of doubt and grief that preceded it. She had been deaf
to the agony of her own child, unresponsive to his caring, creative
nature. All Bobby had needed was to be told he was perfectly all right just
as he was. How blind, how stupid could she have been? she demanded of
herself. What a monumental mistake! (p. 143)
28 MOM,DAD. I’M GAY

Although these responses provide great fodder for the popular litera-
ture, I do not believe that they constitute the majority. In other families,
the disclosure solidifies the relationship parents have with their child-and
perhaps enhances their mutual intimacy and joy. Griffin, Wirth, and Wirth
recounted one of these narratives from a mother.
Everything that’s important in your life that you share with someone
you care about, intensifies your relationship. So it’s made us closer even
though we were close before. But if my daughter hadn’t told me, and
felt that she had to go her way on this, and I go mine, it would have
been a barrier. Instead, knowing and sharing this has enriched our
relationship. It also opens up a channel for other talk in the future. If
we can share this kind of thing, then there is very little else she can’t
tell me. Or that I couldn’t tell her. (p. 162)
If this hurdle is successfully negotiated and parents arrive at a joint

resolution about having a gay family member, other sources of problems
loom for a youth-how to tell brothers, sisters, grandparents, and the ex-
tended family.
I also spoke about my sense of alienation from the family gatherings
when everyone was together with their spouses and their families. The
family gatherings were the worst times for me, because I had someone
that I loved too, but I felt I couldn’t say “Let me bring my partner.
She’s the one I really care about.” So I felt I was the loner in the family.
(P. 161)
A sister of an out gay brother was embarrassed at family gatherings

because she wanted her family “to be more average. Like when we get
together with the cousins, and they talk about their engagements and having
children, and so forth” (pp. 123-124).
Thus far, the limited empirical research has focused on the difficult
time youths have deciding whether to disclose to parents. This is seldom
an easy decision, primarily because of the tremendous importance that youths
place on their parents’ acceptance. For example, 93% of college gay men
in one study reported that coming out to parents was a “somewhat” to
“extremely troubling” event for them. Among support group youths, this
combined percentage dropped to 69% among gay males and 61% among
lesbians, perhaps because a large percentage of these youths had already
disclosed to parents.12 Although coming out to parents ranked second to
worries about AIDS among these support group youths, college gay men
ranked it first, just ahead of terminating a close relationship. The fact that
half of the college men characterized disclosing to parents as [‘extremely
troubling” corroborates the view that until this event takes place it remains
a central concern in the lives of many sexual-minority youths.

Although parents are often crucial players in their child’s developing
sense of self-worth, they may lose this esteemed position if youths perceive
that they cannot confide the most intimate aspects of their life to them,
particularly their struggles and feelings of discomfort with their sexuality.
Indeed, similar to research with heterosexual youths, out sexual-minority
youths reported that parents are critical determinants for current conceptions
of the self. Among college gay men, only 15% rated a parent as currently
the most important person in their life, considerably less than a gay male
friend (54%) and somewhat less than a heterosexual friend who was aware
of their sexual identity (25%).” In another sample of primarily college
students, lesbians ranked relationships with parents 5th and gay men ranked
parents 8th of 12 on a list of items important for self-worth. More important
for both sexes were same-sex friends, career, academic success, and a romantic
relationship; gay men also included physical looks and social life. Despite
the seeming irrelevance of relationships with parents for current conceptions
of self, more than 50% of the college students had at least weekly contact
with their mother; contact with father was 33% (for daughters) and 42%
(for sons).14This level of communication solidifies the significance of parents
for lesbian, gay, and bisexual young adults.
Research findings suggest that although youths may find it tricky to
counter their parents’ heterosexual expectations of them, after coming out,
most use other, more contemporary sources of sustenance. This should not
imply, however, that they ignore their parents’ opinions, especially when
under stress. One study intimated that youths actively sought the support
of their family when they experienced victimization and that the family
extended sustenance when the child was injured or distressed. The family
appeared to buffer the adolescent against the harmful effects of victimization,
but only if the family support was high and the victimization that the
adolescent faced was
The effects that disclosure to parents have on a youth’s life are not,
however, systematically or definitively established. Several investigators
have taken the initial findings demonstrating the importance of parents for
sexual-minority youths one step further-exploring the effects of disclosure
to parents on a youth’s self-evaluation. Their findings, however, are not of
one accord.
DISCLOSURE AND YOUTHS’ SELF-EVALUATION
Research has thus far failed to unequivocally demonstrate that disclo-

sure to parents is a reflection of either a healthy or an unhealthy mental
status. Three seemingly contradictory outcomes regarding the relationship
between disclosure and mental health have been empirically supported.

First, several studies indicate that those who disclose to parents are more
unhealthy. In a study of primarily African American and Hispanic gay and
bisexual males seeking assistance from the Hetrick-Martin Institute, those
who had attempted suicide were more likely than nonattempters to have
disclosed to parents or to have been discovered to be gay. Similarly, youths
from urban support groups who had previous suicide attempts were more
likely to have disclosed to a nonparent family member, to have positive
relations with parents, and to have parents who are aware of their child’s
sexual orientation.16 They did not differ, however, from nonattempters in
how their parents reacted to the disclosure or in the distress they faced
while discussing their sexual orientation with parents. The authors suggested
that suicide attempters were more out to parents because the youths were
aware of their same-sex attractions from an earlier age, which gave them a
longer period of time in which to disclose, or because the youths’ past suicide
attempts sensitized parents to the reality that their child was suffering from
issues directly related to his or her sexual identity. It is possible, however,
that a third variable is responsible for the connection: a history of peer
harassment drove the youth to both closeness with parents and suicidality.
The second alternative, that youths who disclose to parents score better
on measures of psychological functioning, is based on three findings. College
men who were open about their same-sex attractions less often feared verbal
and physical harassment or worried about telling their parents, presumably
because once the men were out, parents provided protection from being
victimized, and the stress of withholding ended. One of the best predictors
of a male youth’s self-esteem in another study was the mother’s (but not
the father’s) knowledge of his same-sex attractions. A third indication of
greater psychological health is the finding that youths least likely to think of
suicide were those whose mother and father knew their sexual orientation.”
Finally, research suggests that disclosure to parents is unrelated to
psychological health. Among college men, life satisfaction was unrelated to
general openness about being gay. Similarly, in a younger cohort of youths,
self-esteem and all clinical scores on the Brief Symptom Inventory were
unrelated to whether one was out to parents. In a third study, gay and
bisexual men recruited through advertisements in gay publications, bars,
social support groups, and university groups who had attempted suicide were
no more likely than nonattempters to have disclosed to parents. Finally,
among bisexual and lesbian women, parental knowledge and acceptance of
their daughter’s same-sex attractions were independent of her self-esteem
level.l R
The contradictory nature of these research findings typifies the litera-
ture on sexual-minority youths and their families. One major problem is
determining directionality of causation. Research findings are generally cor-
relational and thus are not necessarily informative of the causal pathway

between disclosure and psychological health. For example, if one assumes
that disclosure and psychological health are related, one could just as co-
gently argue that those who are functioning in a healthy manner are most
likely to risk disclosing to family members as to contend that by outing
oneself to parents one gains a measure of psychological health. Which comes
first-high self-esteem or disclosure to parents-if indeed the two are related?
The position taken in the Griffin, Wirth, and Wirth collection of parent
narratives supports the earlier developmental genesis of self-esteem. They
recount the story of Mike who “loves his parents, and they love him.” After
a hellish time coming to terms with his sexuality, Mike could finally say,
“I am a homosexual, a queer, a faggot. I’ve always heard it is bad to be one
of ‘them,’ but I know that I’m okay. No one will convince me that I am
not” (p. 15). Griffin and colleagues conclude,
Mike now has a bedrock feeling of self-worth which led to the decision
to tell his parents. The telling itself was calm and uneventful. . . . His
sense of well-being gave him the courage to be a leader in the fight for
gay rights. (p, 15)
This is, however, mere speculation. That is, a satisfying relationship with
parents might encourage youths to disclose to them or, perhaps equally
likely, their relationship is satisfying because youths have disclosed to them.
Perhaps both are true. A third possibility is that disclosure and mental
health are connected through a “third” variable. Youths may be psychologi-
cally healthy because they grew up in a family context that celebrated being
true to one’s nature, including disclosing one’s sexual self to family members.
The uncertainty of these distinctions is frustrating but indicative of a
rich reservoir for future research (see chapter 9). Most basically, the research
described above reflects the fact that relatively little is known regarding the
youth-parent relationship in its most general terms. What is clear from
several studies, however, is that parents are rarely the first person whom
sexual-minority youths approach when questioning their sexuality.
FIRST DISCLOSURES
Several studies suggest that most youths come out to friends before
family members. A recent Internet study of nearly 2,000 sexual-minority
youths between the ages of 10 and 25 (mean = 18 years) revealed that
youths were most likely to have disclosed to “my best friend” (76%), “friends
at school’’ (66%), and “friends outside of school or work” (61%). Far behind
were mother (49%), brother or sister (38%), and father (36%). In other
studies, around 10% of youths first disclosed their sexual orientation to a
parent, and when this occurred, it was almost always to the mother. The

father was rarely the first person a youth told, although the initial disclosure
can be to both parents simultaneously. Only 2 of 194 youths first disclosed
to their father in one study.”
The first recipient is nearly always a same-age peer. Three quarters of
community support group youths and college gay or bisexual men first came
out to a friend. In three quarters of these cases, the friend was of the same
sex, usually a best friend or someone the youth was dating or had dated.
All youths had disclosed to a friend, but less than half had told a parent.
A more recent study provides the first indication that the initial person
may be another sexual-minority youth, perhaps because other same-sex
attracted youths are now visible and hence available to become recipients
of first disclosures.”
Surprisingly, age of disclosure to parents and how long after first disclo-
sure youths tell parents are not always examined in research investigating
the coming-out process. Several studies report that disclosure to parents
follows the initial person by as little as 3 months or by more than a year.
Even less is known regarding sexual-minority youths’ relationships with
family members other than parents, especially a youth’s relations with sib-
lings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.*’
PARENTAL REACTIONS
Mental health professionals who work with families that have been
confronted with the reality of a child’s same-sex orientation note that parents
often react to the discovery that their child will not be fulfilling their
heterosexual dreams with grief and mourning. These parents lament the
passing of the child they assumed they had as well as their status as a
“normal” family. Parents progress through a series of stages similar to those
delineated by Kubler-Ross after the shock of discovering one’s own impend-
ing death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.”
According to grieving models, parents react in a less-than-ideal fashion
after learning of their child’s same-sex attractions. Although some eventually
arrive at tolerance or acceptance, the literature is not clear about the
proportion who make this transition. The process is not an easy one, and
a period of uncertainty, disruption and, in more tempestuous cases, chaos
characterizes the family.” Parent support groups use the inevitability of
these grieving stages to help their members understand their feelings. They
propose that when youths come out to their parents, a parallel parent
“coming-out” process is initiated.24 According to Daniel Mahoney, par-
ents mourn
the loss of the heterosexual identity of their child and their hopes,
dreams and expectations for a traditional life for their lesbian or gay

child; the lack of grandchildren and the special relationship of being
in a grandparent role; [and] their perceived lack of success as parents
and as individual^.^^
Empirical research, however, has seldom tested the validity of grieving

models against the real-life reactions parents have on learning about the
sexual-minority status of their child. Indeed, as will be apparent below, the
limited evidence runs counter to these models. In the following pages, a
review of germane studies and life history accounts illustrates the limited
extent to which parental reactions to a child’s disclosures have been investi-
gated. The appropriateness of a model based on a sequential unfolding of
grief and acceptance is rejected in favor of an approach that considers the
reactions to be an array of possibk initial responses.
Shock
Shock is one visceral response from parents that most frightens youths.
Parents say (“You’renot my child”) or do (strike the child or sever financial
support) things that will forever impair the parent-child relationship. In a
national survey of over 400 parents, mostly mothers, just over one third
experienced shock when they found out about their child’s sexual orienta-
tion. In much smaller studies, the most frequent reaction is shock, followed
closely by shame, guilt, and acknowledgment. But shock is not a universal
reaction to the disclosure, and parents react with emotions characteristic
of the full range of the grieving models.26
Parents might feel that the world as previously known has ended,
resulting in extreme reactions. After being informed by her daughter that
she was involved with another woman, one mother offered a dramatic
response, “I’m going to kill myself,” followed by an “angry insistence that
she would never accept such a thing and that no girlfriend of Stacey’s would
be welcome in her home.”27A mother of a gay son reported after an argument,
“I begged him not to act on it, but he already had. . . . I had a feeling that
was about the same as when somebody dies.”28
Shock might not last a moment in time but occur over a protracted
period in which overwhelming emotions intrude into daily life. The revela-
tion is never far from consciousness.
After reading the letter that Mary wrote telling us that she was gay, I
couldn’t think of anything else. I went about my daily work, but the
thought of Mary’s being gay was never out of my mind for an instant.
I had difficulty sleeping at night, and the very second that I would
wake, the thought would be with me. Over and over I kept thinking,
“What are we going to do?”

Another parent felt that the
word homosexual seemed planted across my forehead for days after
Matt told us he was gay. It was the first thing I thought about in the
morning and the last thing I thought about at night. I even dream
about it.29
A parent’s shock can come unexpectedly for the child. Stacey felt
guilty that she was ruining her mother’s life by living out her selfish desires.
This initial reaction took many years of therapy to heal-helped in part by
the prospects that Stacey and her partner would provide the grandchildren
that her mother always desired.” Another young adult, Cathy, decided to
introduce her girlfriend Darlene to her parents, who had emigrated from
Korea, in the context of family inclusion (Darlene is a part of the family)
rather than as a statement of her individual id en tit^.^' The parents were
stunned and initially refused to recognize the relationship; however, they
kept communications open with their daughter.
Having prior suspicions that a son or daughter is different, unusual,
or not heterosexual, as did Elsie Chung who was quoted at the beginning
of this chapter, often ameliorates the shock value of the disclosure. In one
study, one fifth of fathers and nearly three tenths of mothers reported
suspicions that their son or daughter was gay or lesbian prior to finding out,
although many admitted that they did not want their suspicions confirmed.32
To suspect is one thing but to know is quite another. Although Mary Griffith
had many opportunities to observe the effeminacy of her son Bobby, she
was “dumbfounded” when she discovered her son’s sexuality. “It was as if
a missile had blown through the Another parent knew but avoided
the inevitable.
But at that time, I didn’t consciously admit to myself that I had any
idea of what was coming. I think I did know, down deep somewhere,
but I just wanted to postpone what I perceived as difficult news, if even
for a few minutes . . . I remember thinking, “Well, this is it. The die
is cast, and what we feared has come to pass.”j4
One father admitted that he was clueless that his daughter was bisexual
until the fourth “hint.” The first was that his daughter Carol did not visit
the family very often; the second, that Carol joined a women’s group; and
the third, that she took a gay course.
Then, one time, she wanted to go to a wedding in Eugene, and when
I asked her who was being married, she gave me the names of two girls.
. . . I said, “So I guess I’m to assume that you’re gay, then.” And she
said, “Yeah.” It wasn’t really any big surprise to me because I had had
too many clues. If you’re hanging around with the gay community,
RELATIONS WZTH PARENTS 35

you’ve got to be gay, don’t you? I’m not very smart, but I’m not com-
pletely dumb.35
The “suspicion” that heightens parents’ awareness most often is a

child’s sex-atypical behaviors or interests, such as working on cars (girls)
or playing with dolls (boys). Elsie Chung’s son Richard did not appreciate
the artistry of baseball. Mrs. Hite’s daughter “had always said she really
didn’t like guys that well. It seemed to me that she went out with them
mainly because the other girls did.”36Another parent was also not surprised
when she learned about her lesbian daughter.
Once when Mary was three years old she asked, “DO I always have to
be a girl?” When she was growing up she liked the companionship of
boys her age. She always enjoyed athletics even though she was not
that good. She was never very interested in dolls. I can still picture her
as a little girl with a softball in one hand, a bat in the other, and a toy
gun in the holster on her hip.j7
Mary Griffith knew from an early age that her son Bobby was “different
from other boys.”
Bobby was a gentle spirit, almost too good and too obedient, yet endear-
ing and lovable. . . . He was not a cut-up, not given to roughhousing.
He was content to be in the house coloring or playing with stuffed
animals and dolls. Outdoors, he loved nature and paid more attention
to the detail of natural settings than did any of the other boys. Once,
at age three or four, he said, “Mom, when I woke up this morning I
said good morning to all the trees and the forest.”
With age, Bobby expressed his artistic interests through drawing and writing.
Yet, Mary “reacted with embarrassment to his girlish way of swinging the
bat, the flourish of his hand as he swept his long hair from his forehead,
the doll he made for her one Christmas in junior high from scraps of lace
borrowed from her sewing basket.” In particular, Mary remembered Bobby’s
early pubertal fascination with the workout guru Jack LaLanne.
[He] would rise early and sit at the tube for a couple of hours watching
the muscular LaLanne go through his routines, then catch reruns after
school. Mary noticed that Bobby merely watched, never joined in the
routines. It annoyed her. “Bobby,”she asked once, “why don’t you ever
do the exercises?” Bobby reacted with rare anger and walked out of
the room.
Bobby’s father noticed the same characteristics. Perhaps if he connected

with his son by arranging joint “masculine” activities, then Bobby might
be saved from homosexuality.
36 MOM, DAD.I’M GAY.

They hiked together on Mount Diablo, a lovely peak not far from their
home. That outing was a disaster, most of it spent in silence or stilted
conversation. Bobby talked about wanting to be a writer. Bob, strong
on the work ethic, tried to discuss strategic career planning. Bobby
zoned out, uninterested in the long view. Bob felt he was playing at
being a father. Bobby apparently did, too. They both dropped into
silence, wordlessly acknowledging that the whole effort was basically
phony. After that, the rift between them widened: their interactions
became polite, infrequent, awkward.”
In Bobby’s parents’ questioning minds, sex atypicality was associated
with homosexuality and hence they were less shocked when their child
disclosed to them. Other parents were surprised with the disclosure because
their child was not sex atypical. “My son was ‘all boy’ the whole time he
was growing up. He liked sports and fishing. He was a good pitcher in Little
League.” Cathy was “what you would expect a little girl to be. She played
with dolls and had crushes on boys. She even dated a lot in high school.
She chose to wear dresses and was very feminine.”39
Beliefs that a child may be lesbian or gay-perhaps less so if bisexual-
are often associated with childhood sex atypicality. Indeed, this assumed
association has considerable research support, including cross-cultural evi-
dence. Reviewing the literature, researcher Michael Bailey concluded, “To
my knowledge no other childhood behavior is as predictive of an adult
characteristic as atypical childhood gender identity is of male [and, to a
lesser extent, female] homo~exuality.”~~ Whether and how this information
influences parental reactions have not been empirically addressed. That is,
do “suspicious” parents, who believe that something might not be “tight”
with their child’s sexuality at a time when the child cannot name her or
his sexual identity, modify their initial reactions to their child’s disclosure?
Of greater interest, however, is whether shock is a common reaction
of parents. A parent’s heart may sink, as did Elsie Chung’s, but little empirical
evidence supports a dramatic, visceral reaction as a common response to a
child’s disclosure that she or he is attracted to same-sex others.
Denial and Isolation
Another reaction proposed by grieving models is for parents to deny

the very information that they have just heard. That is, parents collect
themselves sufficiently to realize, however briefly, the severity of their new
knowledge and then deny the reality of their child’s same-sex attractions.
Denial, one of the most primitive psychological defenses, provides a buffer
zone, a time for parents to regain their bearings and equilibrium. Their
denial is usually an anxious one; perhaps at some level they know the truth

but refuse to believe the information, dismiss the child’s attractions as only
a phase, or search for counterevidence.
Walter Fricke, Aaron’s father, held onto the extremely limited counter-
evidence that his son was not gay. Despite his son’s early timidity, femininity,
and aversion to sports and his later identity problems when he became
secluded from family and friends, gained weight (ballooning to 217 pounds
at one point), and befriended “obvious” gay men, Walter remembered times
that appeared to affirm his son’s heterosexuality. “He had spotted a cute
little girl exiting, so he made his way to the door, held it open, and smiled
at the girl as she walked by. . . . His actions served as confirmation to me
of a budding nine-year-old’s impending hetero~exuality.”~’
Not uncommonly, parents pretend that their child’s self-disclosure
never occurred. This is easier to implement if the child discloses at an early
age; parents then believe that their early adolescent is just experimenting
or in a rebellious phase. Or, by not acknowledging this aspect of their son
or daughter, the parents believe that it will disappear. Still others, such as
Mary Griffith, believe that the “problem” will readily disappear with the
right circumstances. “Well, Ed, there’s no doubt in my mind that God can
handle this. God will help us, and he will heal Bobby.” For his part, Bobby’s
father believed that his son only had to date more to “help him grow out
of
Fervent, zealous cultural proscriptions against homosexuality contrib-
ute to parents’ denial. They have been reared with myths and stereotypes
about gay people and the kind of life they are “condemned” to live, believe
that homosexuality must play an exaggerated and central feature in their
child’s life, and are cut off from sources of support and images of positive
gay role models. Mary Griffith knew little about homosexuality except what
was taught by her church, which was with “overtones of a decadent and
carnal secret ritual, a cabal somehow aligned with the satanic, condemned
by her Bible and her church.” She knew, “You can’t love God and be a
homosexual.’143
This isolation from knowledge and support causes parents to feel as if
they are the only ones who ever faced the devastation of having heterosexual
dreams for a child dashed. One father’s only impressions were negarive.
My image was that gays were people who picked up sex in the park. It
was dirty and was done by people with strange mannerisms. T h e n I
realized that I, myself, was now associated with gayness. My child was
into something that repels a lot of people. I’m now part of it. 44
Parents may believe that women become lesbians because they had been
so hurt by fathers, stepfathers, brothers, and other men that they were unable
to trust another man.45

It is difficult to assess how common denial is as a reaction to disclosure.
In a cross-national survey of parents in a support group for families of lesbian,
gay, and bisexual people, the most common initial feeling, reported by nearly
three quarters of parents, was fear for the child’s future. Other common
feelings were sad (64%) and sorry (58%). However, only 35% reported that
they “disbelieved” the news. Because the sample consisted principally of
White, highly educated, liberal mothers of male children in their 20s and
30s, these findings cannot be generalized to other parents.46 Perhaps they
were too sophisticated to report what many popular accounts accent as a
common reaction-anger and rage.
Anger
According to grieving models, denial can last only so long before

counterevidence that the child is not going to be heterosexual becomes so
overwhelming that a sense of control vanishes. T h e status quo is inevitably
altered, and parents respond in a multitude of angry tones, from agitation
to dismay and, in some cases, to rage. How common are these reactions is
a matter of dispute. First is evidence from life history accounts.
O n e motivation for anger is based in the kinds of stereotypes that
parents have about what it means to be “homosexual.” Walter Fricke’s views
about gay people were antithetical to his personal values and hence a source
of anger directed at his son for being the gay stereotype.
Gays are, for the most part, irresponsible people who don’t pay bills.
Most of them have no loyalty to principles or moral values. Certainly
not long term. Nothing challenges them, except their next partner.
They appear to be happy on the surface, but sad with life in general.
They drift into the job they hold rather than pursue it with diligence.
They are unimpressed by ordinary person^.^'
Anger may simply be generalized and irrational. O n e mother of a
lesbian daughter was “filled with both anger at being told and gratitude that
she had not told us earlier. Then I would get angry that she hadn’t trusted
us enough to tell us. My thinking and feelings made no sense at all.” T h e
mother and daughter had harsh words, especially after the mother was
disapproving of the relationship her daughter and partner were developing.
Was she purposely trying to hurt her daughter?
I think Sarah expected too much too soon. Mark and I almost simultane-
ously blurted out, “How can we be happy about that? Find a man to
love. Then we’ll be happy.” That was a very cruel thing. I can’t speak
for my husband, but I was trying to hurt her as she had hurt me. It’s
nothing to be proud of, a revelation like that, but it’s the truth. After
that there was no communication for some time.48

For these parents, their child has placed them in an awkward position
in relation to friends, coworkers, and the community. Mrs. Hite originally
worried, “What will people think if they know I’ve got a daughter that’s
along that line?” Eventually, however, she concluded, “Well, what the heck.
Why do other people matter? They’re my kids, and I like them however
they are.”49
These reactions can be mitigated under particular circumstances, such
as when a child prepares the parent in advance of the disclosure. Addition-
ally, as a defensive maneuver, parents often search for an external cause for
their child’s homosexuality, becoming irrationally angry at the perceived
perpetrator. A bad second parent, an “alternative” peer group, a university,
a gay teacher, or an ex-lover may be imputed. After Paul and Nancy discov-
ered that their deaf son Tim was gay, they tried to find out who had converted
Tim. “1 know somebody got to
Counter to these narratives, research has documented that relatively
few parents display fits of rage and anger, physically or sexually abuse their
child, reject their daughter or son, or eject the youth from the home after
disclosure. Although youths might fear these initial reactions, especially
from their father, few receive severe consequences. In a study of gay and
lesbian young adults and parents of gays and lesbians (but not the parents
of the gay-lesbian sample that was assessed), young adults reported that
their parents rarely expressed anger or rejection. The parent sample gave
even less credence to these reactions; rejection was the least common
reaction both 1 week and 6 months after disclosure. Anger was the second
least common reaction; it peaked during the first week after disclosure
and then became relatively rare.” Guilt, acknowledgment, and acceptance
followed shock as the most frequent responses. Compared with the gay and
lesbian young adult ratings, the ratings by parents showed that parents
experienced higher levels of shock and guilt as well as greater acknowledg-
ment and acceptance. Both samples agreed that mothers felt greater anger
and guilt, that fathers were more likely to deny and reject, and that the
two did not differ on shame or ackn~wledgment.~~
In several other studies, around 5% of youths suffered physical harm
from parents or were thrown out of the home once they were open about
their sexuality. For example, in a sample of Chicago support group youths,
3% reported that they had been thrown out of the home and were living
in shelters or with friends.
Thus, instances of severe forms of parental anger are difficult to docu-
ment in the empirical literature, although these are certainly the reactions
that capture our attention when reported in the popular media. Perhaps
more common are milder forms of anger, such as curtness, agitation, and
raised voices-or the kind of anger Elsie Chung experienced-“that he
didn’t trust me enough to let me know sooner.”

Bargaining
Bargaining is a parental reaction that attempts to postpone or alleviate

guilt parents feel as a result of having a nonheterosexual child. It can also
be a bid to eradicate the thought that this has come about because of
their poor parenting skills. Religious parents may beseech God for just one
supplication, a conversion of the child’s sexual orientation, in exchange for
promising henceforth to lead an observant life and give homage to religious
laws and commandments.
Mary Griffith reassured her son that he need not be homosexual if he
just simply prayed harder and tried to lead a better life.
Bobby, we can beat this. If we trust in God. Homosexuality is curable

with God’s help. We’ve seen it on television, remember? It’s not a
natural thing. God will help you weed it out. Healing through prayer.
That’s the good news, Bobby.
Later, after Bobby failed to convert and committed suicide, Mary realized
that her “bargain” with her son would have denied Bobby’s very existence.
“Bobby was loved, but was simply not okay. To be acceptable and accepted,
he would have to change. It occurred to no one at the time that it might
have been the family’s responsibility to change, not bobby'^.''^^
Parents thus bargain with their child-renounce this temporary aberra-
tion or insanity and they will pretend it never happened, will not cut off
financial aid, or will not throw the child out of the house. One father got
down on his knees and begged his son not to act on his homosexuality:
“You don’t know for sure. You’re too young” (p. 143).54
They ask their daughter or son to tell absolutely no one, perhaps
including the other parent, and to never again discuss the issue. Parents
then selectively edit details about the child when they are with others; with
cryptic references, mysterious glances, and hidden hand signals and head
nods, they maintain the family secret and preserve the family’s social status.
The fewer who know, the safer the parents feel; to them their situation is
unique, a grievous burden to bear.
Sometimes the bargains have unintended consequences. Ruth asked
her lesbian daughter Marsha not to tell her father “because I figured we’d
have to pick her dad up off the floor or the ceiling or somewhere and take
him to the hospital” (p. 4). Once Marsha’s father found out about his
daughter, he “was hurt by the fact that my daughter didn’t trust me enough
to tell me. I was very disappointed and began wondering just how shallow
our relationship had been. Where had I failed? Why was she afraid of me!”
(p. 4).
Quite often the “deal” is unrealistic because the child cannot fulfill
the parents’ wishes and still keep her or his integrity undiminished. The pact

necessitates that the parents render their acceptance and love conditional-
something a lesbian, bisexual, or gay adolescent might not be willing to
tolerate. Parents might also recognize the unfairness of their demands.
When my son first told me, I said, “I hope you’re not going to tell
anyone else.” Then I began to realize that I couldn’t impose that rule
on him. We’ve all taught our children not to lie, yet we’re tempted to
say to our gay children, “Don’t lie exactly, but live a lie.” (p. 102)
Research has not addressed the extent to which parents bargain as a

reaction to the disclosure. Some parents make pacts with God, fate, the
spirits, or themselves and resolve to be good people if this burden were to
be taken from them. Some attempt to change the child’s sexual orientation,
sending their daughter or son to a religious counselor or psychotherapist in
futile attempts to proselytize or cure. Although it is not known how frequent
these conversion attempts are made, they represent the way in which parents
regard their child’s sexuality, as a phase or illness, to be undone with the
proper antidote. The failure of these secrecy efforts and negotiated settle-
ments blocks potential sources of growth and support for all involved.
Depression
Depression and, in some cases, resigned tolerance are considered to

be the anger experienced earlier turned inward, a guilt parents feel for not
recognizing their child’s “condition” early enough to change the outcome
or for being the kind of parent that “causes” a child to be gay or lesbian.
Walter Fricke believed that all parents feel this initial self-blame.
When dealing with your child’s homosexuality, it is difficult to avoid
turning to God and asking whether this is the result of parental mistakes
you made while raising your child. This is the heaviest burden that all
parents of gay people have to carry at one point or another. . . . You
think it is your fault because that is what you have been taught to think.15
Don’s mother was struck with a devastating feeling that she had failed
as a parent: “It’s a blow to your ego to think you’re such a competent and
perceptive parent and then find you have a gay child. You think you know
your child so well and then find out he knew this at a young age and didn’t
tell” (p. 5). In the same volume a father exclaimed, “Oh my God. My
daughter is a pervert!” He felt that he must be “the world’s biggest failure.
Every father I saw was better than I was” (p. 7).
These parents appear to be susceptible to the now discredited psychoan-
alytic notion that homosexuality is caused by “family disturbance,” especially
close, dominating mothers and distant, aloof fathers. Parents read articles
or books that cite bad parenting as the problem.

They said that there was usually an absent or rejecting father and a
domineering, seductive, or binding kind of mother. I thought about
how much Jack worked when the kids were small and the fact that 1
was the one who stayed home and took care of them. I twisted it all
around and said, “Yes, maybe we are like that.” (p. 7)
One mother second-guessed the time she spent with her son. “I was
always much closer to Brian than my husband was. Brian and I often used
to sit around and talk. I thought, ‘Was that unhealthy?”’ (p. 22).
Because Helen thought that homosexuality was a mental disorder, the
fact that her son Craig was gay came as a “crushing blow-a gut level failure.”
“What am I here for if I did this to my baby?” I didn’t know how, I
didn’t know when, I didn’t know what I had done. I searched through
his growingup years, but nothing seemed to fit what I’d read. Still, the
finger of guilt pointed straight at me. . . . I wanted someone to take
away my pain. I wanted someone to ease my burden of guilt. (p. 145)
Helen’s pain became nearly unbearable as she “suffered the death of a

dream.” She grieved for her son, her role as an incompetent mother, and
the opinions of her neighbors. Her mood bordered on depression because
of her considerable shame and humiliation.
Several parents from Griffin, Wirth, and Wirth’s collection reflected
on their initial shame. One considered the worst scenario, “What if people
gasped! What if they whispered behind my back! What if! What if! What
if!” (p. 82). One couple found it
really hard for us to enjoy any kind of social contact with people for
awhile. We got so tired of hearing people ask if Tony has a steady girl
friend. Those kinds of questions were hard. So we withdrew inside
ourselves. (p. 80)
Another parent recognized that “for the first time in my life I was ashamed
of one of my children. I had always thought my kids were better than other
kids that I knew. My feeling of superiority quickly vanished” (p. 82).
To thwart this perceived public scandal, parents distance themselves
from formerly close relationships or isolate themselves and thus preempt
the ostracism they feel will inevitably come. Mrs. O’Keefe had no friends
who have gay children, “or if they do, they would never in the world admit
it.”56 She could not tell anyone, or “I didn’t tell anyone for quite a while,
because you don’t open a conversation with, ‘Oh, by the way . . .’ ”
Some parents demand further evidence and with each piece of the
puzzle in place they experience greater loss and sink into a deeper depression.
Thoughts might turn t o suicide. “ I t hurt so bad there were times when I
was sorry I had to wake up and face the day. I often wished I could die”
(p. 79). One set of parents believed that their world had come to an end.

“We had guilt feelings and thought that everything we had done with our
children was wrong. For a brief time, we even thought about mutual suicide”
(p. 2). Other parents consider the logical alternative: “Sometimes I even
thought it would have been easier if my daughter were dead. I didn’t think
this very long or very often, but it does show how upset I was” (p. 75).
This internal grieving and sense of isolation could last for moments
or much longer. One mother did not want her husband to know; she thus
suffered alone for months. “I just went to pieces-inside, not outside-
because Tom still didn’t know. I thought, ‘I can’t go to work.’ Then I’d
think, ‘I have to go to work. The bills are going to accumulate whether
Jerry’s gay or not. The world is going to go on too’ ” (p. 79).Another parent
found herself crying after 6 months. “At first I cried all the time. I’d be at
work and all at once I’d tear up. I wondered if I would ever get over that
sad feeling” (p. 79).
One common source of grieving is for what might have been if the child
had “chosen” heterosexuality-grandchildren. Stacey’s mother, a Holocaust
survivor, had to cope with her extended family’s extermination, the illness
and death of her son, and now the prospects that her only surviving daughter
is a lesbian, and hence, in her eyes, barren.57Another parent had high
hopes for her son to be the ideal family man. “I would certainly like to
have normal family relationships with grandchildren. This part of it is a
real heartbreaker” (p. 50).
Another potential depressing moment for parents is when their child’s
disclosure compels them to question their own sexuality. “For awhile there
I wondered if homosexuality ran in the family. I have a brother who is gay
and a son who is gay. I thought, ‘Am I sure I’m totally straight?’ I t very
definitely bothered me for awhile” (p. 84). Helen, Craig’s mother, learned
about “latent homosexuality” while in school.
My understanding of this term was that a person could be sitting on
an unknown time bomb that could go off if just the right set of circum-
stances came about. . . . I remember thinking, ‘‘I have good women
friends. Does that mean I could be gay!” (p. 145)
Finally, family members experience angst because the chaos centered

on their sexual-minority child raises uncomfortable or long-suppressed issues
surrounding the stability and health of the parents’ marriage and of the
family. One couple from Griffin, Wirth, and Wirth discovered the weakness
of their marriage after the disclosure.
Not only was my mothering role tested and found wanting, but so was
my role as a wife. On top of thinking I had failed my son, I felt like I
had failed John because his son was not the all-American boy. I needed
John to reassure me about this and to convince me I wasn’t a failure
to him and the rest of the family. He couldn’t do that. At that time

he wanted me to assure him that he wasn’t a failure as a father. Neither
of us could make the pain go away for the other. . . . For a while it
looked like our world was full of roses. But after we found out that
Craig was gay, all the roses wilted. Everyone in the family had a hard
time. We went from having a perfect family image to being just a bunch
of individuals who peeped out at each other and said, “Why don’t you
make it better for me?” None of us was able to do that. We all wanted
to, but everyone was too weak. (p. 146)
Although several researchers have shown that one quarter to one half
of parents experience guilt, shame, and depression after being told about
their child’s homosexuality, these emotions appear to decline quite rapidly
. ~ ~ lingering sadness might reflect the
after the first week of d i ~ c l o s u r e Any
kind of life they believe their child must now endure. Indeed, the most
prevalent emotion experienced by parents-reported by three in four in
one study-was fear for the child, ranking just ahead of sadness.” These
two reactions may reflect the societal stereotypes parents endorse as they
imagine only the sexual aspects of being gay and not appreciate the romantic,
supportive relationships that their child is likely to develop with other gay
women and men. They further believe that their child will inevitably be
lonely in his or her old age or face discrimination that will result in leading
a clandestine life. Within these reactions resides a n acknowledgment and
perhaps a n acceptance that their son or daughter is not going to be hetero-
sexual.
Acceptance
Acceptance with or without resignation is a process that might be

instigated by support groups, educational materials, mass media presenta-
tions, and chance occurrences. Within months of her son’s disclosure, Elsie
Chung had joined Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
(P-FLAG), drawing “tremendous emotional support” such that the “experi-
ence of talking to one another about our fears and concerns opened our
minds and allowed us to accept our children for what they are and respect
whatever lifestyle they chose.” Perhaps it is merely the passage of time and
the growing recognition that all past efforts have failed-their child is still
gay! Moving beyond their own pain and guilt, they consider the plight of
their child.
I would like to think that I was kind and understanding as 1 reached
out t,owards Craig, but I wasn’t. I was hurting, and I didn’t understand
why it hurt so much. I didn’t think about Craig for a good while. In
fact it was some time before I realized what a traumatic experience he
had gone through. . . There were no guideposts. . . We were in trouble,
but we didn’t know where to turn.6@

According to progressive stage models, the parents’ horrific imaginings
have been replaced with a happier child, and this realization is sufficient
for parents to move beyond their guilt, shame, anger, and sadness. Cathy’s
Korean parents gradually became more accustomed to her partner, in large
part because they acknowledged the significance of the relationship for the
happiness of their daughter. William Queen knew he had no choice but to
accept his daughter: “And I know at this point if I had made any stink
about it, I would have lost her completely. And I think that Carol’s just a
little more important than that.”
Acceptance thus implies that parents have minimized their mourning,
willing to acknowledge and accede to their circumstances: as parents of a
gay child. The child has a new negotiated place within the family with
more honest and open lines of communication and understanding. Bernice
Queen was ultimately grateful for the revelation of her daughter’s same-sex
attractions. ‘‘I think Carol and I are closer now that she’s told me, because
she is able to be more honest with me.”62
These developments encourage a son or daughter with a romantic
partner to bring that person to family gatherings. Stacey’s mother grew to
appreciate her daughter’s new partner, Maggie, in part because she could
see how happy Stacey was. Maggie became a regular at family dinners.
However, Stacey’s mother still wanted to keep her daughter’s sexuality a
private, family matter until Stacey demanded Maggie be invited to a family
wedding. This family crisis was finally resolved and now the mother hugs
and kisses Maggie and is willing to entertain the thought of the couple
having a child, her grandchild.6’
Their story illustrates an important point: Initially acceptance can be
tentative or quickly revoked. Walter Fricke learned to accept his son’s
sexuality but he still “prayed for change.”
There are two sides of me and both of them hope that deep within
Aaron there is a latent heterosexual screaming to be free. . . . My son,
however, disregards, as a waste of his time and my money, my standing
offer to hire a female prostitute for him. My other side is the God-
fearing side, which believes that when all else fails, try the strength of
prayer. This is the side that goes to bed at night praying that Aaron
will not be gay the next morning . . . If my attitude toward Aaron’s
homosexuality seems harsh and nonaccepting, consider that there are
parents who, in their desire to change their gay children, do not stop
at prayer.
Walter Fricke learned, however, to pray for himself and his own self-
understanding. Before his death he had learned the limitations of his prayers
to convert his son: “At this point, if Aaron became heterosexual overnight,
I would seriously consider entering the prie~thood.”~~ Another parent too
realized that full acceptance had not yet been achieved.

I would like to get to the point where I can feel that her homosexuality
is as natural for her as heterosexuality is for me. I’d like to get to the
point where homosexuality isn’t all that important in our life with
Mary. It won’t be easy to do, and I don’t know if it’ll come to that.
But I hope so.65
Over time parents become increasingly desensitized to the issue and

are thus “given the opportunity to restructure expectations and goals for
the future life course of their children by revealing to others that they have
a gay or lesbian child.”66The movement toward acceptance of their child’s
sexual orientation is motivated in part by the fear that if they do not they
will lose their place in the child’s life. William Queen’s ultimate statement
of acceptance was somewhat less than a ringing endorsement of his daugh-
ter-but it was a very pragmatic one.
I look at the thing this way. I could have lost my daughter to drugs,
to destructive political activism, to any number of things. I could have
lost her and not had her anymore in my life. If I had been bullheaded
and said, “no daughter of mine is going to be like that,” I really could
have lost her. No different than if she had been in a car wreck. I don’t
think being gay is all that big a thing.
His wife, Bernice, assumed a similar perspective: “Much better that than
pregnant. I sincerely felt that. I love Carol very much, and if this was to
be her lifestyle, I knew that I was going to have to learn to accept it.”6i
Some parents understand that relatively little of significance has really
changed. After “sitting by myself,” one parent quickly realized her only
option.
He’s still the same son who asked me for five dollars this morning; he’s
the same boy who was here for breakfast, who took out the trash, who
wrecked the car. His sexuality doesn’t have anything to do with his
integrity or his ability to love or his worth. . . . I would have lost the
things we have shared and all our closeness. He’s a loving, honest, and
wonderful son. He told me he was gay, and he’s still a loving, honest,
and wonderful son. I don’t think you have to be anything but full of
love to learn to accept your child.68
Parents may even take an active stance to improve the status of all
sexual-minority youths. After the death of her son, Mary Griffith began a
3-year process of learning about her son through reading his personal diaries,
talking to other gay people and their parents in P-FLAG, and self-analysis.
Through the reconsideration of her religious beliefs, she came to accept her
gay son and her role in his death. Mary Griffith became an activist, speaking
to both gay and nongay groups, appearing on television and other media
sources to talk about her experiences, marching in pride parades, and trying
to save other families from the heartache she experienced. She had a story

to tell, “the power of ultimate truth,” to “touch a life early on, before a
tragedy happens.’”j9
In research studies, youths have been less likely than parents to perceive
a positive change in parent-child relationships following disclosure. Parental
acceptance levels, as reported by youths, range from 10%to 70%, depending
on factors such as sex of the child and the parent, whether youths are drawn
from support or collegiate groups, how long after the coming out that
acceptance levels are stressed, and year of data collection. The lowest level
was given to gay and bisexual male hustlers and street youths in a study
conducted nearly 15 years ago: Just 10% of fathers and 21% of mothers
were positive about the youths’ homosexuality. Most studies, however, report
acceptance levels to be just under 50% for both parents, although few
differentiate acceptance levels in accordance to how long parents have
known. One would expect that the longer parents have known, the higher
the acceptance level.70
Parent samples, however, report higher levels of acceptance. Following
disclosure, over 80% of mothers and 60% of fathers in one study noted
improvement in their relationship, over 20 percentage points higher than
that reported by youths. In another sample of parents, 97% stated that they
now accept their gay child. This acceptance level is likely higher than that
reported by youths because of the selective nature of the sample-parents
in a support group, the mandate of which is to assist parents in reaching
acceptance. One would expect that parents who gravitate toward joining
a support group that has the explicit goal of gaining acceptance of their
child’s sexuality would be more likely to benefit from it than the average
parent. Although this study is limited in its generalizability, it offers hope
to parents that although they might struggle with their child’s homosexuality,
eventually family unity can be achieved. A sample of young adult men
supports this view: Relationships with mother and father often deteriorated
following disclosure but significantly improved th~reafter.~’
Although the research is optimistic regarding the eventual outcome
of family relationships once disclosure has taken place, questions of biased
samples remain. Parents are selected from support groups and not from
representative populations of parents with sexual-minority children. One
could argue that parents not in support groups are those least likely to accept
their gay child and that youths who disclose do so because they are fairly
certain that their parents will eventually come to accept them. Youths
without this expectation are not included in research because they have
not yet disclosed. They may realistically expect not acceptance but rejection
from their parents.
The range of first parental reactions to the disclosure of their child
that he or she is gay or lesbian is vast. In the limited samples available,

some parents reject their child and react with shock and denial; many others
respond with knowing inevitability, acceptance, and unconditional love.
They do not mow toward acceptance as stage models propose; a positive
response is their initial reaction. This characterized Elsie Chung, who had
fleeting notions that her son was not heterosexual. Once he confronted her,
she knew the information to be true. If shock, denial, anger, bargaining,
and depression follow disclosure, they are certainly not universal, and perhaps
not even the most common, features of parental reactions.
Much of the popular literature is not so optimistic. Because of preexist-
ing negative attitudes and stereotypes of gay people and the heterocentric
assumption that heterosexuality is normative and best, it maintains that
few adults initially or eventually attain the status of a proud, self-professed
parent of a gay, bisexual, or lesbian child. This is why social science research
is needed-to document that such parents exist and to discover how they
achieved this status. Despite a few leads, relatively little is known about
those who reach this pinnacle.
FACTORS INFLUENCING PARENTAL REACTIONS
Factors that predict how parents react once their child discloses to
them are poorly understood. One speculation is that their response depends
on how they discover the child’s same-sex attractions-whether they are
told directly by the child or indirectly by others. However, one study found
that whether parents were told directly by the son (two thirds of mothers
and one half of fathers), someone else told them, they asked their son,
or they discovered by accident was insignificant in determining parental
reactions.72 This issue deserves additional study, especially if focused on
whether parents had suspicions about their child’s sexual orientation prior
to disclosure.
Another speculation is that the child’s age when the discovery occurs
determines parental reactions. Parents are more likely to deny the perma-
nence of the acclaimed sexual identity if their child discloses to them at a
young age; if their child discloses during young adulthood, then their denial
is less likely to occur because they feel a diminished ability to control the
youth‘s sexuality. Although research has not tested the hypothesis that
reactions of parents are more severe if the child is not an adult-largely
because too many other intervening variables, such as sample recruitment
hias, are not controlled-it is an important consideration when review-
ing research.
Alternatively, the age of the parents might influence their reactions
to having a gay or lesbian child. In one study, young parents were more

likely to accept their sexual-minority child and have a positive relationship
with her or him. Perhaps young parents are more likely to be influenced by
modern conceptions and visibilities of sexual minorities. A good parent-
youth relationship was predicted by considerable telephone calls or personal
visits while the youth was in college and the high self-esteem of the youth.
Because the study was cross-sectional, issues of causation are questionable.
That is, perhaps frequent contact was the result and not the cause of the
positive r e l a t i ~ n s h i p . ~ ~
Other factors that have been proposed to affect parental reactions to
gay, lesbian, and bisexual family members include the family culture, parent-
ing style, religion, ethnicity, and sex-role ~ r i e n t a t i o nNone
. ~ ~ of these vari-
ables have been systematically pursued. Most modestly, research has investi-
gated the attributes and beliefs of parents that might influence their reactions
to the disclosure of their child. One suggested that adherence to “traditional
family values” is an important variable predicting whether a youth comes
out to parents and what the outcome of disclosure will be. Adolescents who
grew up in a family that embraced the values of traditional religion, marriage,
and children were most likely to perceive that their parents were disap-
pointed with their homosexuality. However, youths in the disapproving
families were not therefore less likely to come out to their parents or to do
so at a later age.7’In another study, gay sons who reported that their mothers
had traditional sex role attitudes and that their fathers rated high on religious
orthodoxy perceived that their parents were more accepting of them. The
authors speculated that the parents’ emphasis on family unity enhanced
their ability to come to terms with the family crisis.76
By contrast, mothers who appeared to have the most difficulty accepting
their lesbian, bisexual, or gay child were those least exposed to the external
world. For example, few nonaccepting mothers in one study had a college
education, friends other than their extended family, or worked outside the
home; most were relatively inexperienced with gay people, culture, and
politics. The author argued that parents with these characteristics often
retain rather robust dogmatic stereotypes, misconceptions, and conservative
values, all of which impede their ability to accept their child as nonheterosex-
Many parents report that prior to their child’s disclosure they had no
understanding of homosexuality, held common stereotypes, or never thought
about it. Some parents-whether this number is small or large is difficult
to determine-become barricaded in negative reactions and are unable to
move f~rward.~’
Additionally, a small-scale study concluded that non-White families
may regard homosexuality negatively, contributing to increased rejection
or intolerance of gay, lesbian, and bisexual family members. The notion
that homosexuality is a White disease coupled with traditional religious

beliefs, adherence to sex-role stereotypes, enmeshed kinship ties, and expec-
tations that all children marry and procreate leads some ethnic-minority
parents to deny their child’s homosexuality. The authors focused, however,
on “success stories”-occasions in which youths were not rejected and the
parent-child relationship remained intact. These parents ameliorated the
conflict between their cultural values and homosexuality by “(a) prioritizing
and reinterpreting values, (b) finding precedents, and (c) externalizing the
blame.” These flexible, open-minded parents willingly communicate to keep
their family intact.79
Although sexuality is generally not discussed in traditional Asian
homes, the Asian American parents of lesbian daughters and gay sons
interviewed in one study were aware of but chose to ignore gay issues prior
to their child’s disclosure. They acknowledged that the openness of modern
North American culture allowed their child to express what was already
present. Many equated traditional sex-role reversals with homosexuality but
did not thus participate in verbal debasement or assume judgmental attitudes
toward their child. Initially, they admitted, their attitudes were not positive
and they worried about what neighbors and community members would
think of them. Although few believed that their ethnic community would
accept their child, the importance of maintaining family cohesion led many
of these Asian American parents to ultimately accept and advocate for their
sexual-minority children.80
Far too little is known about factors that predict parental acceptance
or rejection of sexual-minority children. The important variables may be
characteristics of the parent, the child, their relationship, or the larger
culture in which they live. Research that addresses these issues holds great
promise to help us understand how to improve the relationships sexual-
minority youths have with their parents.
CONCLUSION
Elsie Chung, whose story began this chapter, would appear to be an

exception because she did not pass through the stages of shock, denial,
anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance once she discovered her son’s
same-sex attractions. Research has generally agreed with Elsie’s experience
rather than with grieving stage models. Although these stage-like emotions
are present in some parents after they discover the news, what has not
been addressed by investigators is the process by which shock evolves into
acceptance, or the existence of these responses as discrete developmental
events that predict which parents will respond in which way.

Only one published study has attempted to trace the evolution of
parental reactions-and this from the perspectives of both youths and par-
ents. Adital Ben-Ari studied 32 Israeli gay and lesbian young adults and 27
parents who were not, however, the parents of the youths in the study.
Both the youth and parent samples reported temporal drops in shock, denial,
shame, guilt, anger, and rejection and marked increases in acknowledgment
and acceptance, which ranked as the most frequent reactions from both
mothers and fathers one month following disclosure. Over time the rank
ordering of responses, which was nearly identical for the young adult and
parent samples, changed relatively little. These results indicate that if the
grieving stages were experienced, they characterized only some parents, were
in mixed or random order for others, and only briefly if at all existed for
the majority of parents. For example, denial and anger were never more
common than acceptance. Thus, although most parents accepted their child,
little is known about how they got there or how much time they took.61
This study highlights major problems with current research. Although
all empirical findings reported in this chapter are important in understanding
parent-child relationships, they do not directly address the process that
parents experience in accepting their sexual-minority child. Clearly, under-
researched but potentially a rich source of information is a clarification of
the sequences of reactions and emotions that parents have after discovering
their child’s same-sex attractions and the factors influencing this process.
Particularly noteworthy are indications that parents characterize themselves
as more accepting than sexual-minority youths report their parents to be;
that despite reports in the mass media, extreme negative reactions and
rejections appear to be relatively rare; and that most parents accept their
child relatively quickly after disclosure. In general, considerably more needs
to be known about both the short- and long-term consequences of coming
out for both youths and parents.
Except for those who propose that parents experience Kubler-Ross’s
grieving stages after learning of their child’s same-sex attractions, I know
of no alternative model that helps us to understand the process by which
parents come to internally resolve the reality of having a sexual-minority
child. Empirical support for grieving models is so limited as to cast doubt
as to their validity. At the most general level they may be correct in that
with time parents react with less shock, denial, shame, guilt, anger, and
rejection and with more acknowledgment and acceptance. However, al-
though these negative responses may be common first reactions, many par-
ents initially acknowledge and accept the child’s same-sex attractions. Only
a very broad developmental pattern can be discerned from the available
data, not a conceptualization of a universal five-stage grieving model.
From my reading of the popular literature and the empirical data,
parental reactions to the disclosure appear to be individualized, diverse, and

complex. For example, one young woman in the present study reported that
her mother had multiple and complex reactions to her daughter’s sexuality.
In this regard, she may be the most typical of all mothers.
V At first she was fine, struggling to hold back tears. Then proud of me
for being able to stand up and be different, but then disappointed that
I had not told her first. She was worried about AIDS and if I would be
hurt by it, but then said it probably wouldn’t affect me because I’m
bisexual, unless I had sex with boys, which was what she wanted, but
not if it meant getting AIDS. She had read that bisexual men were at
risk for AIDS and that bisexual women often hooked up with bisexual
men. She cried, we shared, we talked, she ignored the issue-all of this
over a week. She was struggling with it, I knew this-nothing extreme
like kicking me out or disowning me, but the end of her dreams.
She was just trying not to be judgmental, although she was judg
mental. She values heterosexuality and she wants me to be that, but
she also wants me to be what I am, my own person. She wants me to
be a politician and she is afraid this would hurt. She wants to protect
me. I reminded her that I’m black and a woman and I’ve dealt with so
much in my life. Can’t I handle this one more thing?
It would be exceedingly difficult to characterize this mother’s response in
terms of universal grieving stages.
In a small-scale interview study, Daniel Mahoney noted that although
disclosure by a child creates an initial period of crisis, subsequent movement
is dependent on particular, at times random, events. The chance of these
events, such as the outcome of telling a friend or attending a P-FLAG
meeting, occurring is difficult to predict and determined largely by individual
style and motivation rather than by some inherent epigenetic grieving
sequence.82
The implication of these observations and the research reviewed in
this chapter is that the critical events that shape the timing and manner
by which parents reconstruct their new identity as parents of a sexual-
minority child do not depend on an unfolding of a universalized process
but on idiosyncratic or random developmental processes or events. Thus,
the most accurate generalization that can be made regarding the factors
that portend the reaction of parents to the news is “unpredictable,” hardly
an ideal scientific position. However, a positive prior relationship between
parents and child may be the best omen for a healthy resolution. Even
well-educated, liberal parents can initially react negatively and with rage,
especially if they have a poor relationship with their child, while conserva-
tive, religious parents who love their child unconditionally can respond in
an accepting, loving manner when informed about their child’s same-sex
attractions. Perhaps more important than factors that predict the initial
response to disclosure are those that lead to healthy long-term relationships.
RELATlONS WITH PARENTS 53

CHAPTERS THAT FOLLOW
In the next four chapters, I “deuniversalize” these issues to present

what is currently known from the empirical literature and from a sample
of sexual-minority youths about the ways in which families negotiate the
process of having a sexual-minority member. The narratives are from two
studies I conducted concerning identity development among youths with
same-sex attractions.*j The appendix briefly describes these studies.
One point needs to be emphasized. To some readers, the youths’
interpretation of their parents’ reactions cited in the narratives might appear
unfair or insensitive. For example, some youths perceive a mother’s or father’s
reaction to the news of their sexuality as ill-wrought when in fact the parent
is struggling to respond as best as she or he can. The parent still loves the
child and wants to be supportive but has stereotypes and considerable fear
for the child’s difficult future. These potential differences in construction
of events reflect some of the second-guessing that sexual-minority members
may have about out-group motives, as well as the differing perceptions of
statements that often characterizes minority-majority issues more generally.
Again, I want to emphasize that the narratives are the perceptions of youths
and may or may not reflect the realities of their family members.
ENDNOTES
* From her article, My son is gay . . . ,on page 1 in the May 9, 1998, newsletter,
Hokubei Mainichi (San Francisco).
Page 416 in Hancock, K. A. (1995). Psychotherapy with lesbians and gay
men. In A. R. D’Augelli & C. J. Patterson (Eds.), Lesbian, gay, and bisexual identities
over the lifespan: Psychological perspectiwes (pp. 398-432). New York: Oxford Univer-
sity Press.
Borhek, M. V. (1988). Helping gay and lesbian adolescents and their families:
A mother’s perspective. Journal of Adolescent Health Care, 9, 123-128.
Anderson, D. (1987). Family and peer relations of gay adolescents. Adolescent
Psychiatry, 15, 163-178.
D’Augelli, A. R. (1991). Gay men in college: Identity processes and adapta-
tions. Journal of College Student Development, 32, 140-146.
See examples in Borhek, M. V. (1993). Coming out to parents: A two-way
survival guide for lesbians and gay men and their parents (2nd ed.). Cleveland, OH:
Pilgrim; Coleman, E., & Remafedi, G. (1989). Gay, lesbian, and bisexual adoles-
cents: A critical challenge to counselors. Journal of Counseling and Development, 68,
36-40; Fairchild, B., & Hayward, N. (1998). Now that you know: A parent’s guide
to understanding their gay and lesbian children (3rd ed.). San Diego, CA: Harcourt
Brace; Heron, A. (Ed.). (1994). Two teenagers in twenty: Writings by gay and lesbian
youth. Boston: Alyson; and Strommen, E. F. (1989). “You’re a what?”: Family

member reactions to the disclosure of homosexuality. Journal of Homosexuality,
18, 37-58.
Page 1 in MacDonald, G. B. (1983, December). Exploring sexual identity:
Gay people and their families. Sex Education Coalition News, 5, pp. 1, 4.
‘One example of a popular writer making this claim is Woog, D. (1997,
October 28). Our parents. The Advocate, pp. 23-34.
Page 174 in Martin, A. D., & Hetrick, E. S. (1988). The stigmatization of
the gay and lesbian adolescent. Journal of Homosexuality, 15, 163-183.
l o Griffin, C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G. (1986). Beyond acceptance:
Parents of ksbians and gays talk about their experiences. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice
Hall. Quotes for the next few pages, unless otherwise designated, are from this
volume.
I’ The story of the Griffith family, especially of Mary Griffith, and the suicide
of their gay son and brother, is recounted in Aarons, L. (1995). Prayers for Bobby:
A mother’s coming to terns with the suicide of her gay son. New York: HarperCollins.
I* See data presented in D’Augelli,A. R. (1991). Gay men in college: Identity
processes and adaptations. Journal of College Student Development, 32, 140-146; and
D’Augelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth
in community settings: Personal challenges and mental health problems. American
Journal of Community Psychology, 21, 421-448.
l 3 DAugelli, A. R. (1991). Gay men in college: Identity processes and adapta-
tions. Journal of College Student Development, 32, 140-146.

l 4 Savin-Williams, R. C. (1990). Gay and ksbiun youth: Expressions of identity.
Washington, DC: Hemisphere.
Hershberger, S. L., 6r D’Augelli, A. R. (1995). The impact of victimization
on the mental health and suicidality of lesbians, gay and bisexual youth. Develop-
mental Psychology, 31, 65-74.
l 6 D’Augelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
youth in community settings: Personal challenges and mental health problems.
Americanlournal of Community Psychology, 21,421-448; and Rotheram-Borus, M. J.,
Hunter, J., & Rosario, M. (1994). Suicidal behavior and gay-related stress among
gay and bisexual male adolescents. J o u m l of Adolescent Research, 9, 498-508.
l 7 These results are reported in D’Augelli, A. R. (1991). Gay men in college:
Identity processes and adaptations. Journal of College Student Development, 32, 140-
146; DAugelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
American Journal of Community Psychology, 21, 421-448; Pilkington, N. W., &
D’Augelli,A. R. (1995). Victimization of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth in commu-
nity settings.Journal ofCommunity Psychology, 23,3446; and Savin-Williams, R. C.
( 1990). Gay and ksbian youth: Expressions of identity. Washington, DC: Hemisphere.
Studies include D’Augelli, A. R. (1991). Gay men in college: Identity
processes and adaptations. Journal of College Student Development, 32, 140-146;
DAugelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth
in community settings: Personal challenges and mental health problems. American
Journal of Community Psychology, 21, 421-448; Remafedi, G., Farrow, J. A., &
RELATlONS WITH PARENTS 55

Deisher, R. W. (1991). Risk factors for attempted suicide in gay and bisexual youth.
Pediatrics, 87, 869-875; and Savin-Williams, R. C. (1990). Gay and lesbian youth:
Expressions of ldentity . Washington, DC:Hemisphere.
l9 The Internet study was conducted by !OutProud!, The National Coalition
for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth and Oasis Magazine. (1998,
March). !OutProud!/Oasis Internet Survey of Queer and Questioning Youth. Studies
confirming the rarity of first disclosure to parents include DAugelli, A. R., &
Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth in community settings:
Personal challenges and mental health problems. American Journal of Community
Psychology, 21, 421-448; DAugelli, A. R. (1998, February). Victimization history
and mental health among lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths. Paper presented at the
Society for Research on Adolescence, San Diego, CA; and Herdt, G., & Boxer,
A. (1993). Children of Horizons: How gay and lesbian teens are leading a new way out
of the closet. Boston: Beacon Press.
2o D’Augelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
AmericanJournal of Community Psychology, 21,421-448; Dub6, E. M. (2000). The
role of sexual behavior in the identification process of gay and bisexual males.
Journal of Sex Research, 37, 123-132; and Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998). “. . . and
then I became gay”: Young men’s stories. New York: Routledge.
2’ D’Augelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
American Journal of Community Psychology, 21, 421-448; D’Augelli, A. R. (1998,
February). Victimization history and mental health among lesbian, gay, and bisexual
youth. Paper presented at the Society for Research on Adolescence, San Diego,
CA; Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998). “ . . . and then I became gay”: Young men’s
stories. New York: Routledge; andSears, J. T . (1991). Growing up gay in the South:
Race, gender, and journeys of the spirit. Binghamton, NY: Harrington Park Press. For
discussion of relationships with nonparent family members, see Demo, D. H., &
Allen, K. R. (1996). Diversity within lesbian and gay families: Challenges and
implications for family theory and research. Journal of Social and Personal Relation-
ships, 13, 415-434; and Savin-Williams, R. C., & Esterberg, K. G. (2000). Lesbian,
gay, and bisexual families (pp. 197-215). In D. H. Demo, K. R. Allen, & M. A.
Fine (Eds.), The handbook of family diversity. New York: Oxford University Press.
22 Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). O n death and dying. New York: MacMillan.
23 These stages are described in many sources, including the following: Ander-
son, D. (1987). Family and peer relations of gay adolescents. Adolescent Psychiatry,
15, 163-178; Bemstein, B. (1990). Attitudes and issues of parents of gay men and
lesbians and implications for therapy. Journal of Gay and Lesbian Psychotherapy, I ,
37-53; Borhek, M. V. (1993). Coming out to parents: A two-way surwiwal guide for
lesbians and gay men and their parents (2nd ed.). Cleveland, OH: Pilgrim; Bozett,
F. W., & Sussman, M. B. (1989). Homosexuality and family relations: Views and
research issues. Marriage and Family Review, 14, 1-7; Brown, L. S. (1988). Lesbians,
gay men and their families. Journal of Gay and Lesbian Psychotherapy, I , 65-77;
DeVine, J. L. (1984). A systemic inspection of affectional preference orientation
and the family of origin. Journal of Social Work and W u m n Sexuality, 2, 9-17;

Martin, A. D. (1982). Learning to hide: The socialization of the gay adolescent.
Adolescent Psychiatry, 10, 52-65; Myers, M. F. (1982). Counseling the parents of
young homosexual male patients. Journal of Homosexuality, 7, 131-143; Pearlman,
S. ( 1992). Heterosexual mothers/lesbian daughters: Parallels and similarities.Journal
of Feminist Family Therapy, 4 , 1-21; Robinson, B. E., Walters, L. H., & Skeen, P.
(1989). Response of parents to learning that their child is homosexual and concern
over AIDS: A national study. Journal of Homosexuality, 18,59-80; Strommen, E. F.
(1989). “You’re a what?”:Family member reactions to the disclosure of homosexual-
ity. Journal of Homosexuality, 18,37-58; Tremble, B., Schneider, M., & Appathurai,
C. (1989). Growing up gay or lesbian in a multicultural context.Journal ofHomosexu-
ality, 17, 253-267; and Wirth, S. (1978). Coming out close to home: Principles
for psychotherapy with families of lesbian and gay men. Catalyst, 3 , 6-22.
’4 See discussion of this possibility in Boxer, A. M., Cook, J. A., & Herdt,
G. ( 1991). Double jeopardy: Identity transitions and parent-child relations among
gay and lesbian youth. In K. Pillemer & K. McCartney (Eds.), Parent-child relations
throughout life (pp. 59-92). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
” Pages 24 and 25 in Mahoney, D. (1994). Staying connected: The coming out
stories of parents with a lesbian daughter or gay son. Unpublished master’s thesis,
University of Guelph, Guelph, Canada.
”See, respectively, in Robinson, B. E., Walters, L. H., & Skeen, P. (1989).
Response of parents to learning that their child is homosexual and concern over
AIDS: A national study. Journal of Homosexuality, 18, 59-80; and Ben-Ari, A.
(1995). The discovery that an offspring is gay: Parents’, gay men’s, and lesbians’
perspectives. Journal of Homosexuality, 30, 89-1 12.
‘ i This case is taken from Iasenza, S., Colucci, P. L., & Rothberg, B. (1996).
Coming out and the mother-daughter bond. In J. Laird & R. Green (Eds.), Lesbians
and gays in couples and families (pp. 123-136). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
‘ K Page 1 in Griffin, C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G. (1986). Beyond
acceptance: Parents of lesbians and gays talk about their experiences. Englewood Cliffs,
NJ: Prentice Hall.
2y Pages 76 and 77 in Griffin, C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G. (1986).
Beyond acceptance: Parents of lesbians and gays talk about their experiences. Englewood
Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
’@ Iasenza, S., Colucci, P. L., & Rothberg, B. (1996). Coming out and the
mother-daughter bond. In J. Laird & R. Green (Eds.), Lesbians and guys in coupks
and families (pp. 123-136). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Liu, P., & Chan, C. S. (1996). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual Asian Americans
and their families. In J. Laird & R. Green (Eds.), Lesbians and gays in coupks and
families (pp. 137-152). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
’* Robinson, B. E., Walters, L. H., & Skeen, P. (1989). Response of parents
to learning that their child is homosexual and concern over AIDS: A national
study. Joumil of Homosexuality, 18, 59-80.
’’ Page 76 in Griffin, C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G. (1986). Beyond
NJ: Prentice Hall.
RELATIONS WiTH PARENTS 57

34 Page 2 in Griffin, C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G. (1986). Beyond
NJ: Prentice Hall.
35 Pages 87 and 88 in Baetz, R. (1980). Lesbian crossroads. New York: Wile
liam Morrow.
36 Page 119 in Baetz, R. (1980). Lesbian crossroads. New York: William Morrow.

NJ: Prentice Hall.
’* The last four quotes are on pages 44, 46, 52, and 95 in Aarons, L. (1995).
Prayers for Bobby: A mother’s coming to terms with the suicide of her gay son. New
York: HarperCollins.
j9 Both quotes are on page 27 in Griffin, C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G.
Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
40 Page 76 in Bailey, J. M. (1996). Gender identity. In R. C. Savin-Williams
& K. M. Cohen (Eds.), The lives of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals: Children to adults
(pp. 71-93). Fort Worth, TX: Harcourt Brace College.
41 Page 62 in Fricke, A., & Fricke, W. (1991). Sudden strangers: The story of
a gay son and his father. New York: St. Martin’s Press.
42 Pages 76 and 78 in Aarons, L. (1995). Prayers for Bobby: A mother’s coming
to terms with the suicide of her gay son. New York: HarperCollins.
43 Pages 52 and 53 in Aarons, L. (1995). Prayers for Bobby: A mother’s coming
NJ: Prentice Hall.
45 Baetz, R. (1980). Lesbian crossroads. New York: Morrow.
46 Robinson, B. E., Walters, L. H., & Skeen, P. (1989). Response of parents

study. Journal of Homosexuality, 18, 59-80.
47 Page 24 in Fricke, A., & Fricke, W. (1991). Sudden strangers: The story of
48 Both quotes on page 78 in Griffin, C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G.
Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
Page 3 in Griffin, C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G. (1986). Beyond

NJ: Prentice Hall.
See, respectively, Herdt, G., & Boxer, A. (1993). Children of Horizons: How
gay and lesbian teens are leading a new way out of the closet. Boston: Beacon Press;
and Ben-Ari, A. (1995). The discovery that an offspring is gay: Parents’, gay men’s,
and lesbians’ perspectives. Journal of Homosexuality, 30, 89-1 12.
58 MOM,DAD.I’M GAY
Ben-Ari, A. (1995). The discovery that an offspring is gay: Parents’, gay
men’s, and lesbians’ perspectives. Journal of Homosexuality, 30, 89-1 12.
” Pages 77 and 98 in Aarons, L. (1995). Prayers for Bobby: A mother’s coming
j4Unless noted otherwise, all quotes with page numbers are from Griffin,
C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G. (1986). Beyond acceptance: Parents of lesbians
and gays talk about their experiences. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hail.
’’ Page 94 in Fricke, A., & Fricke, W. (1991). Sudden strangers: The story of
” Page 135 in Baetz, R. (1980). Lesbian crossroads. New York: Morrow.
5 i Iasenza, S., Colucci, P. L., & Rothberg, B. (1996). Coming out and the
mother-daughter bond. In J. Laird & R. Green (Eds.), Lesbians and gays in couples
’’ Ben-Ari, A. (1995). The discovery that an offspring is gay: Parents’, gay
men’s, and lesbians’ perspectives. Journal of Homosexuality, 30, 89-1 12; and Robin-
son, B. E., Walters, L. H., & Skeen, P. (1989). Response of parents to learning
that their child is homosexual and concern over AIDS: A national study. Journal
of Homosexuality, 18, 59-80.
jYRobinson, B. E., Walters, L. H., & Skeen, P. (1989). Response of parents
6o Page 144 in Griffin, C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G. (1986), Beyond
NJ: Prentice Hall.
6 3 Iasenza, S., Colucci, P. L., & Rothberg, B. (1996). Coming out and the
mother-daughter bond. In J. Laird & R. Green (Eds.), Lesbians and gays in couples
64 Pages 92-93 and 95 in Fricke, A., & Fricke, W. (1991). Sudden strangers:
The story of a gay son and his father. New York: St. Martin’s Press.
6 5 Page 74 in Griffin, C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G. (1986). Beyond
NJ: Prentice Hall.
66 Pages 217-218 in Herdt, G., 6r Boxer, A. (1993). Children of Horizons:
How gay and lesbian teens are leading a new way out of the closet. Boston: Beacon Press.
6i Page 96 and 91 in Baetz, R. (1980). Lesbian crossroads. New York: Wil-
liam Morrow.
“ Page 17 in Griffin, C. W., Wirth, M. J., & Wirth, A. G. (1986). Beyond
NJ: Prentice Hall.
69 Page 145 in Aarons, L. (1995). Prayers for Bobby: A mother’s coming to terns
with the suicide of her gay son. New York: HarperCollins.

7@ Remafedi, G. ( 1987). Male homosexuality: The adolescent’s perspective.
Pediatn‘cs, 79, 326-330. For example, recently this was reported to be 51% for

mothers and 27% for fathers (sex differences for adolescent participants and length
of time parents have known were not reported); see D’Augelli, A. R., Hershberger,
S. L., & Pilkington, N. W. (1998). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth and their
families: Disclosure of sexual orientation and its consequences. American Journal of
Orthopsychiatry, 68, 361-371.
71 Ben-Ari, A. (1995). The discovery that an offspring is gay: Parents’, gay
men’s, and lesbians’ perspectives. Journal of Homosexuality, 30, 89-1 12; Cramer,
D. W., & Roach, A. J. (1988). Coming out to mom and dad: A study of gay males
and their relationships with their parents. J o u m l of Homosexuality, 15, 79-91; and
Robinson, B. E., Walters, L. H., & Skeen, P. (1989). Response of parents to learning
that their child is homosexual and concern over AIDS: A national study. Journal
’’ Cramer, D. W., & Roach, A. J. (1988). Coming out to mom and dad: A
study of gay males and their relationships with their parents. Journal ofHomosexuality,
15, 79-91.
’’ Savin-Williams, R. C. (1990). Gay and ksbian youth: Expressions ofidentity.
74 Bozett, F. W., & Sussman, M. B. ( 1989). Homosexuality and family relations:
Views and research issues. Marriage and Family Review, 14, 1-7; Morales, E. S.
(1989). Ethnic minority families and minority gays and lesbians. Marriage and Family
Review, 14, 217-239; Newman, B. S., & Muzzonigro, P. G. (1993). The effects of
traditional family values on the coming out process of gay male adolescents. Adoles-
cence, 28, 213-226; Strommen, E. F. (1989). ‘You’re a what!”: Family member
reactions to the disclosure of homosexuality. Journal of Homosexuality, 18, 37-58;
and Tremble, B., Schneider, M., & Appathurai, C. (1989). Growing up gay or
lesbian in a multicultural context. Journal of Homosexuality, f7,253-267.
75 Newman, B. S., & Muzzonigro, P. G. (1993). The effects of traditional
family values on the coming out process of gay male adolescents. Adolescence,
28, 213-226.
76 Cramer, D. W., & Roach, A. I. (1988). Coming out to mom and dad: A
study of gay males and their relationships with their parents.Journal OfHomosexuality,
15, 79-91.
77 Pearlman, S. (1992). Heterosexual mothersllesbian daughters: Parallels and
similarities. Journal of Feminist Family Therapy, 4, 1-21.
78 Ben-Ari, A. (1995). The discovery that an offspring is gay: Parents’, gay
men’s, and lesbians’ perspectives. Journal of Homosexuality, 30, 89-1 12; Boxer,
A. M., Cook, J. A., & Herdt, G. (1991). Double jeopardy: Identity transitions and
parent-child relations among gay and lesbian youth. In K. Pillemer & K. McCartney
(Eds.), Parent-child relations throughout life (pp. 59-92). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum;
Muller, A. (1987). Parents matter: Parents’ relationships with lesbians daughters and
gay sons. Tallahassee, FL: Naiad Press; and Robinson, B. E., Walters, L. H., &
Skeen, P. (1989). Response of parents to learning that their child is homosexual
and concern over AIDS: A national study. Journal of Homosexuality, 18, 59-80.
79 Page 262 inTremble, B., Schneider, M., & Appathurai, C. (1989).Growing
up gay or lesbian in a multicultural context. Journal of Homosexuality, 17, 253-267.

8o Hom, A. Y. (1994). Stories from the homefront: Perspectives of Asian
American parents with lesbian daughters and gay sons. AmerasiaJournaE, 20, 19-32.
82 Mahoney, D. (1994). Staying connected: The coming out stories of parents with
a lesbian daughter or gay son. Unpublished master’s thesis, University of Guelph,
Guelph, Canada.
The completed one is my 1998 book, “ . . . and then I became gay:” Young
men’s stories (New York: Routledge) and the planned manuscript is tentatively
titled, “ . . . and then I kissed her:” Young women’s stones.

DAUGHTERS AND MOTHERS
Pam
Mom was the second person I told, about 3 months after I told my best
friend-the one I had the crush on. I felt it was important because this
was my first committed relationship in my life, the real thing after so
many false starts and bummed realities. And of course I wanted to share
it with her; if I brought my girlfriend home, well, she’d have to know.
I mean she would know no matter what I said because she knows me
like no one else, and I just can’t keep secrets from her. We share
everything and always have.
I brought ]en over, the same weekend that I wanted to tell her, for
support in case Mom freaked out or I needed someone to calm me. So
the first night ]en and me were talking in my bedroom and the walls
are really thin, some kind of plywood, and I think Mom figured it out,
maybe at least with the conversation that we had; at least I hope it
wasn’t because of the sex we had! I was 17 and Mom knew that Jen
and me had been together a lot during the last month and that I had
stayed over at her house and now here she was over a lot at other times.
I was super nervous, though Jen told me to just come out and tell
her, but I couldn’t go to school so I called Mom at work and she asked
if there was anything I wanted to tell her. I said in as normal of a
conversation tone as I could that I was “with” ]en and that I liked her;
that we were dating. She said she was happy for me and that it was
very fine. I told her that it was very strong and that I didn’t know if it
would ever happen again. She asked how it was compared with my
relationship with Scott and I told her it was 10 times more intense,
though Scott and I were still good friends. And she was very understand-
ing, saying that it only happened once for her as well, and supportive,
almost casual, not shocked. Later she told me, “I had suspected it since
you were 10. It’s a good thing if you’re okay with it.”
She has remained as I would have suspected-supportive, very sup-
portive. I felt she already knew because she’s so liberal socially and
politically and she seems to have a special relationship, almost like a
straight gaydar, with gay people. She has had this special relationship
with a gay man friend-the only other man beside my father that she
says that she has ever loved, a man my father was jealous of and wouldn’t
63
let visit the home. He recently died, maybe of AIDS, and she was very
upset with it, really out of it, crying, depressed-maybe the only man
she really loved. She saw him whenever she could for many years before
he died. O n e interesting “warning” she gave me was saying, “You don’t
have to identify yourself as lesbian, but you do have a choice if you
want to be monogamous.” I wonder if that was related to his death.
That I was shocked by!
She likes my Jen and is even okay with the commitment ceremony
we’ve planned for next August, except she wants us to wait because
we’re so young and she wants us to be for sure. She wants us to live
together first to make sure of our commitment-just like a hetero couple!
She and Dad will pay for the ceremony and will play whatever role we
want for them in the ceremony, like giving away the bride or groom-
whichever we decide.
Nancy
One of my college friends was visiting me at home during the summer,
and while I was at work one day she e-mailed a friend on my mom’s
computer, only something went wrong and so she did not send it. It
related how bad my mother was going to react to the news that I was
queer. When she [my mom] got home that night and read her e-mail
and saw the unsent message she went ballistic, only I was unaware,
didn’t know what was going on. She was maybe most upset because
the e-mail bashed her for being the kind of mother who won’t be
supportive of her daughter. She is screaming at me and gives me a
month to leave the house, and I’m just floored. She said how much I
disrespected her and that I was not worthy to live there and how all
my friends weren’t any good. And I’m just trying to figure out what’s
wrong! She finally tells me about the e-mail, which I didn’t know
about.
She gets a little calmer and asks me if it’s true, and it never occurred
to me to deny it because we share everything, and I said that it was. She
starts giving me ultimatums and says I can’t return to Smith [College] for
my sophomore year but I have to go to the local community college or
the University of Connecticut and live at home. For a month I was in
trauma, wondering if I’d get to go back to school, and really just shocked
at how Mom reacted to all of this. I didn’t expect her to love the fact
that I’d not be having babies, but I never thought she’d take away
my college education! So I started calling everyone I knew and gay
organizations to raise money for my college education. I wasn’t panicking
because somehow I knew I was going to go back to Smith and be with
all my friends.
At the time, anyways, I was going to therapy with them [parents]
about our generally bad recent relationships, and we talked about it
and that helped some. Mom agreed to let me go back to Smith but put
conditions on me returning-like losing weight, dating males, and
growing my hair long. As if any of those had anything to do with
anything! So I agreed for peace, knowing I wasn’t going to do any of
those things. She is still not so great, but a little better.
We used to be best friends and then we moved to the point of her
not even wanting to see me. Now we’ve moved to a different place, in
part, so we can talk again about anything, except about gay issues. I
want to talk to her about my girlfriend, and so once when I asked her
if I could talk to her about some problems we were having, and she
said absolutely not. I don’t want to rock the boat until after I graduate,
so I keep a low profile. You know she’s from a rural, conservative area,
and there were always lots of racial and homophobic slurs in her home.
She’s still trying, but she has a ways to go.
Wendy
Well, no, and no plans to tell her. She is very traditional Catholic
woman; she probably only slept with one man in her life, my dad. She
hasn’t seen much of the world but spent her life in her kitchen and
her home. She is strong person who had difficult life, and she clings to
her Catholic faith to get by. She’s from small town in North Dakota
and did not finish schooling so she could marry Dad. She had no
real young adulthood or career and not exposed to things that most
people have.
We’ve never been real close. She wanted me to succeed, I guess, but
she also couldn’t understand why I didn’t want her life, why I had to
go so far away to college, why I don’t come home more often. Maybe
she felt like I rejected her in some way. We’re okay now at least, but
I’ve moved away from her, her life, her religion. She’d say my lifestyle
was wrong, sick, confused, not because she knows but she’d be parroting
these lines from her Bible. Not that she would know but she’s been
taught these things by her religion. That’s the bottom line, always is,
every issue, doesn’t matter what it’d be about. She’d say these ridiculous
things, a t least ridiculous to me, and then we’d argue and she’d be hurt
because daughters are not supposed to rebuke their mothers. I can’t
argue with her because I can’t stand to see her hurt, and she shows it
a lot. She knows that and that’s her defense.
Once, not long ago, when I was home after undergraduate, I decided
to open up her mind and plant the seed of idea, about gay friend of
mine who was having lots of problems with family. This family was lot
like ours, a point I knew she’d get. They were kicking him out because
he was gay, putting him out on streets. He tried to live with friends,
but didn’t work out. He attempted suicide and was now in hospital.
She was very compassionate toward him, and I knew she’d be. But she
did not speak about him being gay though I told her this was what it
was about. Just plant seed because he too is Catholic and comes from
large family. I think she knows family so can identify with them. That
was Step One, but I don’t know when I’ll do Step Two.
In her own way she wants me be strong, independent, freer than
her. I3ut for me to be that way may threaten her just too much. I just
DAUGHTERS AND MOTHERS 65

can’t predict how she’d react. She can’t disown me or ignore me because
her religion won’t allow that. I may never tell her, leading my East
Coast life and her, well, the Midwest life.
We expect close, intimate bonds between mothers and daughters,

and a recent survey of youths’ relations with parents documents that most
daughters believe that they have excellent relationships with their mothers.’
Whether this attachment and intimacy are maintained once a daughter
informs her mother that she will not be replicating her mother’s heterosexu-
ality is unknown because few researchers have addressed it. For Pam, this
mutual trust was solidified following her disclosure; Nancy’s mother, how-
ever, was overwhelmed by the news and reacted in a destructive fashion.
Wendy, who does not have an intimate relationship with her mother, has
long-standing doubts about her mother’s ability to handle disclosure-and
she is unwilling at the present time to test the accuracy of her knowledge.
THE RELATIONSHIP BEFORE DISCLOSURE
Scientifically, little, if anything, is known about the unique relation-

ships young women with same-sex attractions have with their mothers
prior to the disclosure of their sexuality. Researchers Bell, Weinberg, and
Hammersmith reviewed the pre-1970s research and identified only a few
small-scale, clinically oriented investigatiorx2Their study, conducted with
lesbian and heterosexual adult women recalling feelings they experienced
two to four decades earlier, reported that same-sex oriented women more
often recollected negative, hostile relationships with their mother, character-
ized by lower levels of warmth, communication, and identification and less
desire to be like their mother. Other than this 30-year-old study, little
scientific evidence exists contrasting the relationships same-sex and other-
sex oriented women have with their mother.
When quizzed about their childhood relationship with their mother,
the young women I interviewed describe a variety of bonds, as might be
expected. Three themes emerge: relationships that are supportive, distant,
and conflictual.
Supportive Relationships
The vast majority of the young women are similar to Pam and Nancy
in that they have warm, supportive, and intimate childhood familiarity with
their mother, and this closeness and trust often encourages them to disclose
to their mother. “Well, I wanted to share it with her and, well, she’d have
to know. So did I really have a choice?” Young women frequently speak

about this intimacy-how regularly they talk about common concerns and
how central this relationship is to their sense of self and well-being.
V We’ve always been very close, very close, and talk about everything.
No secrets from her! She was this way with her mother and sisters. I
tell her everything that is going on for me, and I always will. I can’t
imagine it being any other way. If she has problems then we talk; if I
have, we talk-or we talk about other people’s problems!
This gave me hope in coming out to her. Shortly thereafter I told
her I was dating Naomi because I wanted to share it with her and why
Barrett disappeared from our home and Naomi appeared. But you know,
she seemed to know it before I did!
This familiarity between mother and daughter can border on merger or
enmeshment and lead the daughter to not disclose in order to establish
boundaries between them. One daughter fought to maintain some sense of
independence.
V We are great friends, and she would deal with it well. We are not as
close as she wants us to be, but too much for me. She’s always had me
as a confidante, and I’ve not wanted it to be so much.
If they were to be as intimate as the mother desired, then the daughter

would have to disclose. “I’ve tried to separate us. W e look alike and have
the same mannerisms. I want at least one secret from her!” Another youth,
trying to recover from falling in love “with the woman I couldn’t have,”
decided that she could not also cope with her overprotective mother if she
were to share with her why she was “so depressed.”
V I love her, but she is very overprotective, and this interferes with our
relationship. She just doesn’t let things go, and she goes where I don’t
want her. I think I’ll never tell her because it would just make it more
difficult-but she keeps asking what is wrong, all these questions. I
know I’ll tell her and then somehow expect her to take care of it all.
Distant Relationships
Although most daughters report a high level of intimacy with their

mother, notable exceptions can be found, including relations that are distant
and formal. Wendy felt that she and her mother have never been close;
they live in two different worlds. O n e youth commented, “The issue would
never come up. We don’t usually talk about sex or anything personal so it
would seem a little weird to talk about it. I t would take awhile because she
is a very private person.”
Young women with a remote mother-daughter relationship sometimes
find it difficult to predict their mother’s reactions. One daughter, an Asian
American, who just became aware of her attractions to other women, does

not believe that the superficial relationship between her and her mother
could withstand such shocking news.
V It’s ail so new, and I have no idea how she’d react, but probably not
good because it’d be out of the blue for her. I just can’t fathom it, and
she couldn’t either. She has not reacted well when I don’t date an
educated Asian man.
Conflictual Relationships
T h e mother-daughter relationship ranges from the supportive to the

conflictual, the latter of which can occasionally escalate into true abuse.
Fewer than 10%of the mothers are described as abusive by their daughters.
In all cases of severe conflict, alcohol or mental illness is a prominent
precursor, persuading daughters to elect silence or to disclose at a distant,
“better” time.
V I never realized it growing up that she was addicted to alcohol and
other substances all her life. There was a time when I took care of her
after she passed out in the evenings. She and Dad were emotionally
abusive to each other and me. She could be quite mercurial, manic one
moment and depressed the other. I walked tippy-toed all the time. She
just wasn’t there for me.
For the vast majority of the young women, disclosing to their mother
is the most important developmental milestone after self-labeling. By and
large, they agree with the young woman who, on reflecting why she now
has a positive sense of self as a sexual minority, simply said, “The most
important thing was acceptance from Mom.”
WHETHER MOTHERS ARE TOLD
Few mothers of sexual-minority women fail to recognize that their

daughter has same-sex attractions. Among current cohorts of adult sexual-
minority women, up to 90% believe that their mother knows or suspects;
among younger women, the rate is about 80%.3
Nearly two of three young women, or 63% of the interviewed youths,
had come out to their mother. This is somewhat lower than what is reported
in research conducted during the past decade with lesbians and bisexual
adolescents in urban support groups.” Although it is difficult to separate the
effects of cohort from the unique recruitment venues of this study, the
evidence supports the position that young women today are more likely
than earlier generations to disclose to their mother and to do so at an
earlier age.

Only once in my interviews did a youth recant her disclosure following
an unexpected maternal hostility. She retracted the lesbian statement and is
currently waiting for a better time, if one should ever arise, to tell her mother.
V I knew growing up that she never wanted to deal with sex issues,
especially past puberty, so we never had this what-the-blood-is-all-about
talk. She is very immature about sex. She always seemed frightened by
the topic. Call me naive, but I somehow thought she could handle the
information, so I told her I was a lesbian. She was so negative, hurt,
so I told her I was just kidding, and she seems to have believed me. I
have no desire to hurt her, to cause her pain. I hate it that she assumes
that I’m heterosexual.
Although this story reflects two common themes for remaining closeted
observed in several of the narratives-daughters do not want to hurt their
mother and the fear of what she might do if she were to find out-it does
not highlight the most common.
REASONS NOT TO TELL
Little empirical data exist explicating the reasons young lesbians and
bisexual women decide not to disclose to their mothers. In the present
sample, among the 37% of nondisclosers, one half report that it is not a
good developmental time-they are not ready to tell their mother or they
feel their mother is not ready to hear the information. Nearly one quarter
have not yet “got around to telling her.” Others have not disclosed because
they do not want to hurt her or because of their mother’s fervent religious
beliefs or ethnic identification; only rarely do they report that they fear
negative reactions. No one suggested a lack of closeness as a reason not to
disclose. This last point will assume heightened significance when daughters’
relationships with their father are discussed in the next chapter.
Not the Right Developmental Time
Most daughters recognize that eventually they must tell their mother,
or that she “already has to know” or “will know by some power she has as
a mother.” Their relationship is too close not to tell her. Reflecting on
whether she plans to tell her mother, one young woman sighed, “I never
got around to it. I mean, she must know. She knows everything about me!”
If the daughters do not come forth with the information, then the mothers
might force the issue. Some daughters suspect their mother really knows
but [‘is just forcing, even daring, me to tell her. You know, like she’s been
acting very strange lately. She like makes these slightly homophobic jokes,

and it bothers me. Why doesn’t she just say it!?” Another notes that her
mother makes jokes, in a serious way, “that half my friends are gay.”
In response to such “subtle” pressure, most daughters eventually come
out. Those who do not most often cite as the reason, “the time is not yet
right,” for her, the mother, or their relationship. One young woman had
the golden opportunity to disclose, but at the last moment she diverted the
conversation. The time was not right for her because she had just started
the process of exploring her sexuality and was not prepared to confront the
task of exposing herself to her mother.
V I almost did. She asked me last summer why most of my friends were
gay! She then told me about her friend’s lesbian daughter and wanted
to connect me up with her, as a “friend” she added at the last moment.
Then she very haltingly says, “I’ve been meaning to ask you, are you,
are you, are you . . . you know. It’d be okay with me.”
I had the opportunity! I didn’t jump. So I didn’t say “yes” or “no,”
just, “Don’t worry.” She’ll feel like I lied to her by omission when I
eventually tell her. She’ll be so mad at the lie. It’ll change our relation-
ship. I’ll have to educate her, and then she’ll be fine. She wouldn’t
shout at me but avoid it by focusing on the lie.
Why didn’t I tell her when I had the chance?! It’s just too new for
me. I want to be more sure, to know this is really my fate. I can’t say
I am and then take it back!
Or, daughters perceive that the time is not right for their mother. She
simply will not tolerate nonheterosexuality, or she will make subtle, or
perhaps not so subtle, homophobic remarks that reveal her personal views
about homosexuality. Occasionally, the lack of respect runs both ways.
V Once I tried to start a conversation with her to get her feelings about
such things, talking about this bisexual girl I met. And she said, “Bisexu-
als don’t exist.” This floored me, so I asked what she meant, and she
said that it was all just a phase-“All women have this.” If I told her
about me she’d say, “Don’t be so silly.” She’d not take me seriously but
would just be annoyed. She always thinks I’m “silly” and that she knows
the ways of the world when she really is the nai’ve one. Who ever told
her that bisexuals don’t exist?She’s been listening to some weird people
or thoughts in her head.
Have Not Gotten Around to It
A second reason for not coming out to one’s mother is typified by the
youth who said, “I’d be willing to. She’d be very positive, but I have no
plans to tell her because there’s not reason to.” That is, these youths have
yet to discover a reason to disclose or they have simply “not gotten around
to it.” When probed as to why they have not done so, these young women
70 M O M ,DAD.I’M GAY.
could not articulate a reason. It is not that they expect a negative reaction
or that they are not close to their mother; most feel that their mother will
be neutral at worse and most likely positive.
V I’d have no problem telling her, but it just hasn’t happened yet. 1 was
thinking of telling her maybe before college. My mom would still love
me and won’t disown me. She’s not comfortable with homosexuality,
but she still loves me.
When one reads further into their accounts, several of these young
women are motivated in part by a desire not to hurt their mother. This
constitutes the third most frequent reason for not disclosing.
Wants Not to Hurt Her
Daughters also do not disclose because to do so would hurt their mother

or cause her to worry. They loathe the thought that they might be responsible
for causing her pain. Perhaps she has had a difficult life, so why give her
one more thing about which to worry?
V My mother is always worrying about random things. Like if I was to go
skydiving she’d like worry. She worries so much, like whether Dad will
keep his job, if the stock market will fall, if her friends will reject her-
like there is no point in adding more to her life. She would be okay
with it-like not disown me or anything. She’d accept me, tell relatives,
and then ask them if they thought she’d done anything wrong. She’d
like worry about it destroying my professional life and my political life.
So I don’t like tell her.
Youths do not want to be saddled by the guilt of their mother’s self-blame
or worry about her worrying.
The following bisexual daughter has the perfect setup-a great relation-
ship with a liberal, open, and pro-gay mother. Yet, she remains closeted
because she cannot bear hurting her mother by revealing that she has not
been the perfect daughter.
V This is the ridiculous thing-that I haven’t told her. My parents are
these liberal, hippy parents, and 1 am 99% sure she won’t have any
problem with it. So why don’t I tell her! Don’t know, except I haven’t,
and no deadline works. I just don’t want to think about it. She knows
everything about me, my sexual encounters-well with guys-and just
everything. So why can’t I tell her?! I’ve tried hinting, but she just
won’t take the hint. She’s had gay friends. She’d probably just say
something like, “Go exercise the heterosexual side of yourself.”
Well, she probably knows anyway, so I’ll probably just confirm it
over Christmas. Vaguely she has to know. Like I’ll say little things, like
I took a women’s studies class so when they bought my little brother

trucks I told them they ought to buy dolls, unless of course she was
afraid he’d grow up to be gay! She said, “Of course you’re right,” and
she bought the dolls and told me, ‘‘I don’t care what my kids are as
long as they are happy.”
That should be enough, right? Yet, she’ll be sad at night, and I
wonder if she’s sad because I’m gay. She’ll be okay in front of me, but
when I’m not looking she looks sad. She feels guilt and sadness over
so much that has happened to me. How could I do this to her? I’ve
had so many girl crushes, and if a girl talks to me I won’t tell her about
it. Yet, I dated a guy for 2 weeks while in California, and I called home
and told her I was dating this cute guy. I felt so guilty when she was
so happy for me. Why would I tell her that and not about the girls 1
have crushes on? Why hurt her?
She tells me absolutely everything about her life, and she thinks I
tell her everything, and generally I do, but about this, well, no. My
god, she marched in the ’60s for civil rights and then women’s rights,
but not for gay rights. Is that the reason? Is it that I don’t trust her
because she didn’t march for gay rights? I just can’t be responsible for
failing her. She’s just been the perfect mom, and I’ve not been the
perfect daughter. No, if she had marched for gay rights I still couldn’t
tell her. But over Christmas I’ll tell her. This is my deadline-so call
me next New Year’s.
Mother’s Ethnic and Religious Objections
Similar to Wendy, some youths prefer not to reveal their same-sex

attractions because they know their mother’s cultural identification or reli-
gious beliefs will preclude them from being supportive. Closely knit ethnic
families may pressure daughters to marry within the ethnic community,
have children, and contribute to the community’s growth and solidarity.
To counter these ethnic and religious issues is a very daunting task.
V Her ideas are very Chinese, and her plan for me is to meet a nice
Chinese boy and marry, have two children, keep house, and be there
when he gets home every night. She’s from the old school of Chinese
life and will remain that way. Nothing changes her, at least until her
mother dies. I had trouble with her even when dating a Jewish boy. I
would not have her approval, and it would be difficult. When I tell her
she’ll say I decided to do this and I can decide not to do this. She’ll
tell me to remember my grandmother and why 1 choose to hurt her.
V I’ve begun to test the waters. I asked how she likes Ellen and she does,
but when she saw the interview with her she said it was not meant to
be. God did not create this. This was a good indication to me of how
she would react.
I’ve hinted that 1 like a girl, and she knows about my special bonds
to women, but she does not realize what this really means. I have a

very close relationship with her. There is n o point of telling her unless
I had a very serious relationship and wanted to settle down with her.
She’d be furious, disgusted a lot. She was born in Cuba, and her only
knowledge is that it’s bad. It’d be hard to explain to her as a good thing.
V I wouldn’t [tell my mom] for two reasons. One, if I did I would be

permanently grounded with no contact with my friends. She aiready
suspects something, so I can’t go on sleepovers. She thought something
might be going on so me and my friends couldn’t see each other for 2
months. I’m involved in Green Peace, but she thinks it’s a lesbian front
organization because so many feminists are in it, so she won’t let me
go to meetings because she’s afraid I’ll meet the lesbian community.
Two, they would blame my sister [a lesbian]. I’d not be allowed to
talk to her or her friends. Like when my sister is here Mom makes sure
our doors are open all the time. Is she afraid we’ll have sex or that she
would convert me?!
My mother is extremely dysfunctional. My sister is the only one who
has really understood me, and I’ve needed that safety zone. I feel stripped
of mv privacy. Mom would give me the “you are going to hell” bit.
She’d cry and pray and make it very difficult for me. She’d say the
rosary for me. She can’t say more than five sentences without Jesus or
Mary in it. She pushes her morality on others. I have zero respect for
her and no tolerance, and I don’t hide it.
These cultural and religious inhibitions encompass several of the other

reasons-fear of negative reactions, fear of hurting their mother, not devel-
opmentally the right time-but have, in addition, the unique problem that
these reasons are wrapped in strongly felt maternal ethnic and religious
traditions.
Fear of Negative Repercussions
Although fear of negative repercussions is a common theme in the

coming-out literature, it is rarely expressed in my interviews with these
young women. Several youths, however, believe that their mother might
hurt herself or them, physically, mentally, or financially, if she were to
know. If daughters are fairly certain of these outcomes, then this knowledge
will usually prevent them from sharing with their mother. Wendy views
her mother as a traditional, small-town-oriented religious woman who does
not understand modern life or concepts. The possibility that she would
understand her daughter’s sexuality is so remote that Wendy has no plans
to disclose.
Although the fear is seldom of physical harm, in the case presented
below the daughter expresses anxiety that disclosure might lead to an exten-
sion of the physical abuse she received as a child. She also wants to avoid

feeling guilty if her mother were to die from the news; she insists on
finishing her college career, and this would not be a foregone conclusion
if she disclosed.
V I haven’t told her, but every once in a while when I’m angry with her
or something she’s done, or when she becomes physically abusive toward
me, I want to blurt it out. Yet I don’t want to tell her that way, to be
like her, yet at times I want to hurt her like she hurts me. I don’t know
how she would react; it’s hard to tell because she’s bipolar [manic-
depressive], sometimes on medication, and I don’t know what to expect
given that.
She has heart and other physical problems. It is scary to think about
what might happen if she got really angry, and I don’t want to be
responsible for that. [During my childhood], she had total reign !over
my Dad], and I never want to have that kind of relationship with my
partner. She had Dad in the palm of her hands.
Whatever, I have no plans to tell her until they pay for college.
Maybe I’ll wait until I graduate next year, have a job, and am more
independent. She wouldn’t support me financially; she’d have Dad
withdraw support. That’s more than I can handle right now.
It’d be awkward. She’d try to convince me to be heterosexual, and
then go on about what it would do to Dad, the church, my younger
brother, my grandmother.
The basis for these perceptions varies but is often premised on the young
women’s belief that their mother will ignore the issue, either consciously or
unconsciously, or will explode once she knows, spewing vendettas, insults,
and threats. This conviction prevents one young woman from coming out
to her mother, although she “almost” disclosed on several occasions. Ulti-
mately, however, she decided against it.
V I was going to tell once, so I called to talk and when I got close, then
she hung up on me. I know that I won’t get anything from her. She
won’t react very well. I feel she would use it to discredit me with my
sisters and drive a wedge between us.
At one point she said the guy I dated for 3 years was gay and I said,
thinking now was the time, that it was not terrible, if he was happy.
Alarmed-I think she was baiting me-she said half screaming, “How
would you like it if some big fat bull dyke liked you?” I said that I’d be
honored and then in near panic she says to me, “Tell me it’s not true
about you!” Now was not the time to tell her.
Reasons for not disclosing are sometimes simple, sometimes complex,

and sometimes difficult to categorize. Within any one stated reason varying
motivations exist, some of which are readily apparent (e.g., fear being cut
off financially) and others that are hidden or elusive (e.g., desire to be the
perfect daughter). The following youth experienced complex circumstances.
V I almost did a thousand times. I know that she must know already.
We’ve talked about the issue in the abstract, and she has met my lesbian
friends and likes them. She’s met my Swedish girlfriend, and she is so
obviously lesbian.
I have a much closer relationship with her than with Dad, and so
if I told her and not him then that would be something else he would
say I didn’t share with him. I don’t want to tell him yet. He is much
more conservative, and I don’t want to jeopardize that relationship.
I almost told last year, but I didn’t want to deal with Dad. She’s had
2 years to deal with my questioning, and so I’m sure she’d be okay with
it. She’d love me no matter what and would support me. Her concern
would be the hardships for me and how others would react.
When will young women say the words? From the narratives, two
consistent themes emerge. One, daughters disclose when they have a com-
mitted relationship with a woman and want to bring her home to share
this joy with their mother. “Only when it matters in my life, like an
involvement that is monogamous and might lead to marriage.” Until this
time, tension often characterizes the mother-daughter relationship; the
daughter is waiting for the right excuse to talk openly about herself-or
she may want to continue the charade as long as possible, especially if she
fears negative reactions.
One young woman who is only out to her closest friends best expresses
the second theme. She needs more certainty about herself and what her
attractions mean before sharing them with someone as important as her
mother. “She would not disown me, but I could never tell her, not until I
come out to myself. She’d not go bonkers.” Against this backdrop of young
women who cite reasons not to tell are those who find sufficient reasons
to disclose.
REASONS TO TELL
Despite these reasons not to disclose, most young women who volunteer
to participate in research on growing up with same-sex attractions find the
right developmental time or overcome religious, ethnic, or cultural barriers
to tell their mother about this most intimate aspect of their life. Why?
Nearly two thirds of the disclosed young women I interviewed respond with
answers that have as their basis a loving, caring bond between mother and
daughter. Either the daughter makes a conscious decision to share this most
intimate aspect of her life or her mother asks her about her sexuality. The
two acts are sometimes inseparable. Alternatively, the youth is outed by
another, or she fears she will be, or it is the right developmental time to
come out.

Wants to Share Her Life
Pam’s experience is relatively common: Being in love with another

woman, she had to share this new development with her mother: “She
knows me like no one else, and I just can’t keep secrets from her.” Similarly,
another youth told her mother a few months after she came out to herself
because, “I wanted her to know this amazing woman I was in love with and
to know about me and not have to hide.”
Daughters are primarily motivated to maintain or improve the excep-
tional emotional intimacy they currently have with their mother, although
at times their goal is to increase or repair a daughter-mother relationship
that has ruptured over time. Perhaps communication has degenerated or
persistent anxieties and tensions have eroded their daily interactions. Under
these circumstances, coming out represents an attempt to reclaim or salvage
their intimate relationship. One youth and her mother talk every Sunday
morning, at which time they exchange life stories and “chat about nothing.”
During one of these routine calls the mother’s questioning left an indelible
impression on the daughter’s memory.
V So she says to me, “You sound so happy today.”
You see, I just got this date with this incredibly hot girl on the rugby
team. I was so happy because it was my first date with a girl, and I had
actually asked her out. This was a major step for me, and I knew I
wanted to share this with Mom. But how?
Her next question comes out of nowhere, “How is rugby!”
“I love it,” and I’m thinking, “Where in the hell did that come
from?” Maybe here’s my opening.
Then she asks, “Are there a lot of dykes on the team?”
This floored me because she never speaks this way! How could she
even know about such things? I was taken aback and knowing that I
can never lie to her, I said, “Yeah. Does this bother you?” Here is my
chance to tell her! “Good question. I’m kind of attracted to girls, and
I always have.” Silence on the other end, and that’s my coming-out-
to-mother story!
This narrative highlights the special bond between mother and daugh-
ter, which can be so ubiquitous that the mother essentially knows before
she is told. Her question of whether there are any dykes on the team is a
communication to her daughter that now is the time for the daughter to
“own up’’ to her sexual attractions. Occasionally, young women simply shrug
their shoulders to the question and say, “Well, she has to know sometime.”
Most commonly, they believe that their mother already knows and that
eventually they have to tell her, given the closeness of their relationship.
One youth cannot imagine not telling her mother. “I told her when I had
my period, and the next day everyone knew! People I hardly knew asked

me how hard was it? Any cramps? Much bleeding? There are no secrets or
nothing sacred in our family! You think I have a choice to tell her?! I told
her because she knew. I knew that; she knew that.” In other cases, the
mother is more direct.
Mother Asks
A common perception among youths is that their mother intuitively

knows when something is “not right” with her daughter. This emotional
sensitivity frequently informs a mother about her daughter’s sexuality. In-
deed, one third of the youths disclose, not by admission or choice, but
because their mother poses the question by hinting, probing, demanding,
suggesting, or cajoling the information. The mother sets the stage or even
forces the issue sooner than her daughter might have desired.
Pam’s mother seemed to know why her daughter was telephoning her
at work-“She asked if there was anything I wanted to tell her.” She had
suspected since Pam was a child. A mother “knowing” long before her
daughter does is not an uncommon occurence. One daughter finally re-
sponded to her mother’s hinting by telling her “so I could get her off my
back. She said she had known for years!” Another daughter was upset with
her mother for not telling her that she, her mother, is a lesbian: “It would
have made my life a whole lot easier if she had told me.” Similar to Nancy’s
mother, a mother asks because she suspects.
V Fall semester of my freshman year we went to a talk about sexuality

sponsored by the Dean of Students, like an info-commercial on student
life. Part of that, there was a zap [a panel of youths answering questions]
by the gay group on campus, and Mom began asking questions of the
students. I’m real embarrassed because she’s asking so many questions,
nai’ve ones.
Afterwards I’m correcting some of the false things she said about
gay people and she asks me, “Anything you want to tell me?” I divert
her by rushing her to supper, but later that night she asked again more
directly, and I told her. I had planned to tell her anyway that weekend
because she was dropping so many hints before I left home-like warning
me about women on athletic teams and saying there were so many
groups on campus for everyone and on that list she included Bi-GALA
[Bisexual-Gay and Lesbian Association].
A sense of not having control over the disclosure process is not unusual,
and many young women are not happy with this disempowerment. “Actually,
she asked what was going on between Ling and me. I pussyfooted around
and then admitted we were in a relationship. I wasn’t ready yet to tell her,
but I had no choice.”

Outed by Another
This feeling of losing control can be even more dramatic when coming
out occurs completely unexpectedly-as is true for 15% of the daughters
interviewed. In their circumstances, someone “outed” them, either acciden-
tally, as in Nancy’s case, or as a malicious act, as the following story docu-
ments. This narrative is the most direct act of sabotage I recorded in my
interviews.
V This jealous ex-friend, my best intense friend during my “Utopian Year”
when I fell in love, and what ultimately ended that Utopian Year, goes
into my room and “finds” the letters Jessica had written me. She searched
my room and “accidentally” found them in the false bottom of my
trunk. She said she had a vision from God which told her where
they were.
She shared these with her parents and my sister. They all freaked
out, and all four went to the Christian counseling center to ask what
they should do and got a game plan. She took me on a picnic and told
me she found out about me and Jessica but wouldn’t say how. I forced
it out of her, and she told me about the letters. That evening, as they
had planned it, my sister said that I had to tell our parents or the four
of them would. I felt like a caged animal; no where to run. I waited a
week while Jessica was on vacation. I told her I had to tell my parents.
I sat them down at 10 p.m. and said, “I’m gay.”
More accidental and less volitional is a situation in which a young
woman “outed” herself when she joined a women’s self-defense class with
her mother. O n the application form in response to a question about “current
stresses in your life,” the daughter wrote, “Coming out as bisexual.” She did
not realize that her mother had to co-sign the application. Later her mother
asked her if there were any “stresses” she wanted to share.
Perhaps the most “hurtful” aspect of unsolicited outings is the sensation
that young women have that they will lose control of their life. Most want
to tell their mother and have full intentions of doing so, but in their own
time. They are robbed of this resolve and feel that the relationship with
mother suffers as a result.
Is the Right Time

At some point a daughter, just over 10% in the current sample, feels
it is developmentally the right time to come out to her mother. For various
reasons, the desire to disclose becomes stronger than the desire to hide.
One “right” time is going away to college.
V I told her over Fall Break. There was this wall between us, and this
restricted what we talked about. Also it restricted what I wanted to do

at home, like talk at my high school gay/straight alliance, march in the
gay pride parade, and bring girls home. These are all important to me,
and 1 wanted to feel free to do them.
It wasn’t the thought that she would disown me. Some of my friends
have that problem, and so they swear they’ll never tell until after they
graduate. Relative to them I’m lucky. She’s not that comfortable with
homosexuality and it might stump her, but she still loves me.
Another young women disclosed because she knew that she would need
her mother’s support.
V I was missing my girlfriend a whole lot after we broke up, and I knew
I couldn’t do the 3 months at home without having someone to talk
about it with. By saying it out loud then we could talk, quit pretending,
and I could survive the summer without a relationship.
Fear of Being Outed
One of the perils of not disclosing is the possibility that someone else
might “beat me to it” and thus cause problems in the mother-daughter
relationship. Less than 10% of the young women, under dire threat of
exposure, decide to disclose before she is “outed” by another person or the
media. One young woman feared her “lesbian aunt will slip up and tell her
mother.” Another dreaded that her brother, an upperclassman at the same
college she is attending, would discover her involvement in lesbian campus
events. “I just can’t continue hiding with my brother here. He’s going to
read about me in the student newspaper sooner or later.” Possible media
exposure convinced another young woman.
V I wanted to be able to talk freely with her and not be careful that I
mighi: disclose something accidentally. With my activism at school
someone could call, or a newspaper could call-I was in the Boston
Globe, and someone could show her the article. Many of my friends
just assume I’m out so they might not be discreet. We have a great
relationship, the kind of relationship that we can tell each other any-
thing, and I don’t want to ruin that. She’d have been hurt if someone
eke told her and not me.
The attachment between mother and daughter is of such importance

to some young women that they do not want to jeopardize it by withholding
personally critical information. If her mother is to eventually hear it, then
“setting the record straight” must come from the daughter and not some-
one else.
Even though a young woman discloses to her mother with the best of
intentions, such as to deepen their relationship, coming out does not always
result in the intended consequence.

V My reasoning was stupid, and now I regret it. I fell for this woman, and
she came out to her mother and it turned out okay, so I decided I had
nothing to lose because I have a good relationship with my mother. I
thought maybe my mother would let her come home with me over
Break. I wanted my mother to be more a part of my life. Well, now
she’s less a part and getting lesser every day.
Daughters might not know their mother as well as they think they do
and thus can be surprised when she reacts in a very negative fashion. This
is Nancy’s story-she would never have guessed that her mother would
threaten her college education and force her to live at home. However, as
will become apparent below, most decisions to come out appear to be correct,
at least when judged by the mother’s initial reaction. Before coming out,
daughters must decide when and how to disclose. As expected, nearly as
many answers to these questions exist as there are daughters who disclose
to their mother.
WHEN AND HOW MOTHERS ARE TOLD
Young women attending urban community groups tend to disclose to

their mother while still living at home, averaging just after their 17th
birthday.5 This is earlier than that reported by the young women I inter-
viewed who disclosed just prior to their 19th birthday (mean age = 18.7
years). In this regard, Nancy represents the “norm,” Pam is early, and Wendy,
still not out to her mother at age 23, is on the late side. The youngest age
of disclosure was 14 years; several young women have not disclosed as they
approach their 25th birthday.
Two of the youths came out to their mother before they disclosed to
anyone else, including their best friends. Other researchers also report that
on rare occasions, the mother is the first person to be told about a young
woman’s sexual identity.6 A mother is nearly always told before a father-
there are only four exceptions in the present study. It is worth noting that
although young women are out to their mother before their father, the
disclosure to her usually occurs on average 1 year after she first discloses to
a best friend.
Of the 48 youths out to their mother, 28 told her directly, usually
during a planned or unplanned conversation. Others were out because their
mother asked them about their sexuality or someone else outed them. In
several situations a daughter was outed accidentally.
Direct Disclosure
Examples of direct disclosure were provided in the last section. These

conversations, however, might not necessarily occur face to face. For in-

stance, one youth initially intended to come out in person to her mother
during a 6-hour car drive home from college. Last-minute fears brought
about a change in these plans.
V I was afraid of her reaction and unsure of her and us. So I told her over
the phone before she came up. I first asked how she felt about gay
issues. She said she had n o problems with it. “To each his own, but
I wouldn’t.”
“How would you think if I was bisexual?”
She was quiet, clearly not happy, “Whatever works for you.”
The ride home was a bit tense, and she didn’t ask a word about it.
Indirect Disclosure
Some young women elect not to tell their mother directly, perhaps
because they anticipate that they will “chicken out” on seeing her initial
reaction, they want to maintain control, or they fear that she will respond
in a negative manner. Although letters were the indirect disclosure of choice
of previous generations, they appear to be decreasing in popularity. Uniquely,
one young woman wrote her mother a long, “in-depth letter about my
sexuality on Parents’ Day at church. I felt she has to know and this seemed
like an appropriate time.” She did not know whether she could confront
her religious mother face to face, to see her hurt and to then be reproached
by her.
One elaborate, indirect coming-out technique involved a youth retak-
ing control from her intrusive and manipulative mother. Feeling neutralized
in her family by a mother who refuses to share power with her oldest
daughter, the young woman carefully designed the disclosure process.
V When I was 17 and being a very cheesy, romantic English type, the
week before my girlfriend went away to college I was writing her like
an 80-page tome on our relationship. It was really a good-bye letter,
and though I was locking everything up on my computer, I had thrown
away drafts of the letter in my recycling bag.
I had the original bound in crushed velvet to give to Nell, but
Mother was very curious about what I was spending so much time doing
in my room. I knew she was a snoop. She took what I had written from
recycling, bound it, made three copies, and was going to give one to
the priest and one to Dad.
She never approached me with what she had done, but I found these
three copies under her bed. Yes, snoop begets snoop! I wrote a long
letter because I knew Mother would show Dad a copy of it. Then I put
a copy of Now That You Know [a self-help book for parents] on each
bed. I had been to P-FLAG meetings so I knew about this sort of thing.
Mother never talked about the letter or the book to this day.

One increasingly common indirect technique for coming out among
younger generations involves sending parents electronic messages. For some
young women, e-mail has emerged as a viable method for communicating
difficult information.
V I was freaking out, stressing at school, boyfriend problems, and every-
thing with the woman who had rejected my overtures, and it just
tumbled out as I was e-mailing her. In the mess I told her. I clicked
“send before I could think about what I was doing or take it back. I t
was easier because I did not have to see her face. I quickly turned off
the computer, knowing I couldn’t control how she reacted but I could
when I found out how she did-which felt like I had some control. I
didn’t turn it on for days after that.
Mother Asks Based on Suspicions
Some youths never have an opportunity to disclose to their mother,

either directly or indirectly, because they are challenged in advance by their
mother. T o understand the reasoning behind a mother’s suspicions requires
interviewing her directly. In this absence, several possibilities can be gleaned
from the narratives of daughters. One common impetus for questioning is
an increasing awareness and concern by a mother that her daughter is
developing an unusually intense relationship with a “best female friend.”
V I was walking with Mom in the park, and she was talking to me about
some of her problems. But I just couldn’t concentrate on them and
kept bringing it back to Brit. Finally she backed me into a corner,
“What’s with all this about Brit? Brit said this. Brit did that. It’s Brit, Brit,
Brit!” In anger I told her that this Brit thing was about my best friend.
She had been questioning me about why we were spending so much
time together and calling each other. She said I wasn’t being myself
lately, like distant and hiding something from her. We were both upset,
and I was trembling when I said, “What do you think is going on?”
“Maybe you’re experimenting.”
“Maybe so, or maybe it’s more than that.”
“Don’t beat around the bush,” she screamed. “Tell me what’s go-
ing on!”
At this point I just decided now or never was the time. “So you
really want to know? Well, yes, we’re involved.”
Mothers might also understand that particular cues from their daugh-
ter’s social world indicate that she is not heterosexual. It is not difficult for
mothers to link these “unusual” friends, social and political sensibilities,
and interests with their daughter’s sexuality. These “hints” might be rather
obvious, such as a daughter taking a gay srudies course in college or having
lesbian literature in her possession. One mother read her daughter’s journal

and discerned the incriminating evidence; another discovered her daughter
talking in a lesbian computer chat room. Sometimes the evidence is of
dubious quality.
V I had really wimped out on Coming Out Day big time. She told me
later she had been suspicious because of my lesbian friends and my
political stuff and, get this, because I listened to the Indigo Girls! As
soon as she made this ridiculous comment I sarcastically told her, “Well,
you listen to them and you’re not lesbian.” She was also a big Joan
Baez fan in her day. Well then, maybe she is! She certainly has lots of
women friends.
V She knew long before 1 even came out to myself. Once my sophomore
year in high school we were in the mall, and I stopped by a men’s shoe
store to look at the display boots because I really wanted boots. She
asks, LiAreyou a lesbian?” I just said, “Motherrrr!” I didn’t deny it.
Then once my grandparents were over and we were watching some
20/20show in which it had the straight people versus the queer people,
and I was cheering on the queer people. She then took me aside and
told me how horrible and wrong queer people were and got very graphic
about how they did sex with their tongues. She’s psycho!
A third source of suspicion that leads mothers to pose the sexual identity
question to their daughter involves stereotypes they embrace associating sex
atypicality with lesbianism. Mothers notice particular behaviors or appear-
ances and associate them with unconventional sexuality. One daughter
reported that her mom “freaked out that I had become so masculine. She
allowed it at first because she said I’d outgrow it, or else I’d become a
lesbian.” Her mother asked many leading questions, about her rugby shirt,
her short hair, and her pierced eyebrow. “Then she asks me, ‘Why don’t
you dress like a girl?!’ She was so afraid that I’d be a butch, but this isn’t
me. I was a ballerina at 7!”
As should be apparent from the narratives in this chapter, many disclo-
sures are not well planned or thought through in advance. Mothers explicitly
or implicitly elicit some disclosures with poor judgment or little regard for
their daughter’s well-being. In other cases, however, the process of revealing
one’s sexuality is set in motion by a daughter long before the actual ver-
bal disclosure.
V I had prepared her for this earlier by leaving enough clues since 10th
grade. But we just never spoke. Then I began talking about my lesbian
friends and their loves. I knew what I was doing. So it was in the back
of her mind. When the time came and I had a girlfriend and brought
her home from college, it was obvious. The first conversation we had
about: it was only last year. I told her about my girlfriend and that I
was bisexual. It was clear that she had already come to terms with it
on her own. It’s our way of talking about personal issues.

Not all disclosures include naming an identity. Despite the excellent
relationship Pam has with her mother, she could not say she is a lesbian
but that she is “with” Janet and that they are dating. Young women, for
personal or political reasons, often do not want to use the “L” or “Bi” word.
One youth loathed the bisexual label because it “emphasizes the sexual
aspect,” so she told her mother that she was “dating a woman.”The hesitancy
to embrace particular words can also reflect a young woman’s political
rejection of any label for herself or her sexuality that restricts who she can
be. Youths may also believe that their mother will respond less harshly to
more benign descriptors, that terms other than ksbian will be less shocking.
Preferred alternatives are usually descriptions of behavior or feelings: She
“has a crush on a girl” or is “not completely attracted to males.”
One other variation is young women who do not recall a single conver-
sation or moment in time when they came out to their mother. Rather,
through a series of conversations they reveal the nature of their sexuality.
V This is what we do, she and me, talk. So, yes, I’m sure that I told her
I slept with a girl and that I was probably gay. She probably even asked
if I was gay, and I said “Whatever.” She told me it was normal to fall
in love with a girl. She could always tell when I had a crush on a girl,
and I think she doubted it was a phase. Whatever was fine with me
was fine with her.
Another youth’s mother asked her if she was experiencing “problems
with her sexuality” while she was still in junior high school. After initially
denying it, the daughter later confirmed that she was less than certain
about it.
V So by this point she definitely knew. She asked if I wanted to see a
psychologist to help me out. Actually, at first I told her that I didn’t
know, though 1 did, so it was a gradual process of telling her. She could
understand how women could love women but not with males loving
each other.
The initial reaction of mothers to their daughter’s coming out ranges
from relative acceptance to hysteric outrage. The popular image is of the
latter, although the common reality is actually much closer to the former-
mothers might not like the news but nevertheless love and support their
daughter.
MOTHERS’ INITIAL REACTIONS
The widespread horrific image is perpetuated by research that focuses

on the victimization of lesbian, gay, and bisexual adolescents, which is most
often conducted with at-risk urban support group youths. One of the most
interesting studies in this genre is of adolescents living at home. Lesbians

were threatened with physical violence and were the recipients of verbal
abuse and attacks more often than were gay sons. The most frequent perpetra-
tor was their mother. Despite these findings, mothers were generally more
accepting than fathers of their daughter’s ~exuality.~
According to the young women in the present study, mothers respond
with a range of emotions on learning about their daughter’s sexuality. Pam’s
mother was happy and supportive; Nancy’s was so outraged that she nearly
severed the dyadic relationship. Because the reactions that receive the most
“press” are those of Nancy’s mother, nondisclosed daughters’ expectations
of how their mothers will react are likely affected. Although I cannot
deny that indeed some mothers react in an extremely emotional, disturbing
fashion, the more important, though seldom-addressed question is how
common are these outrages?
Expected Versus Actual Reactions
Among young women who have not disclosed to their mother, the
average expected response is midway between neutral and slightly negative,
including expressions of denial (“It’s only a phase”) and self-blame.’ Few
predict that their mother will reject or physically attack them, and nearly
one in three anticipates her mother will be supportive. However, that
expectation is insufficient to provoke a disclosure.
Among those who have disclosed, the average initial response was
slightly better than what the undisclosed expected-barely more negative
than positive, but certainly not horrific. Indeed, the most common reaction,
reported by 25% of the young women, was positive and supportive; nearly
as many mothers were very supportive. However, nearly 10% of mothers
were perceived by their daughter to have reacted with emotional volatility,
threats to cut off financial aid, or attempts to send them to conversion
therapy. Four percent of daughters were rejected or physically attacked by
their mother.
Positive Initial Reactions
Full acceptance of her daughter’s same-sex sexuality is seldom an easy

task for a mother. She may want to be “totally cool about it” yet feel
frightened by this unfamiliar territory, disappointed that the heterosexual
dreams she has for her daughter will not materialize, or fear for the safety
of her daughter who must survive within a hostile world. One mother “took
it as a normal thing and asked if I wanted to see a counselor to help me
out. I knew this meant that she needed to see someone because she was
stressed about it.” Another mother apologized for being so emotional, “but
I knew it was because she loved me and wanted my life not to be hard.”

She was not surprised by her daughter’s revelation because, according to
the daughter, “She knows I’ve always been open to exploring all types of
feelings.”The mother was uncertain, however, about how she should respond,
as well as what this meant about her own performance as a mother. Another
mother was not surprised because she had long suspected; as a result, she
reacted very positively, almost to the dismay of her daughter!
V She is my closest friend, and I trust her. I knew she would not throw
me out. Yet, I was scared; strange for her not knowing this about me.
Sooner or later I’d have to tell. “Oh, I know!” She guessed this when
I was 3 and knew by first grade. So, why didn’t she tell me!? I could
have killed her! I took my jaw off the floor. Such agony for so long
over the decision to disclose. She knew all my life. She had talked to
friends and relatives, to get support and perspective. By the time I was
ready, she was past ready.
Positive responses from mothers are often accurately predicted. The

daughter of a lesbian mother initially reported that her mother was cautious
rather than ecstatic-“Are you really sure ?“-as she had originally thought
she would be. The mother later belied this disinterest by excitedly telling
her lesbian friends that she has a lesbian daughter. They were delighted
but “jealous because they too wanted one, but theirs were all straight.” Her
mother still dreads the reactions of those who assume that she has made
her daughter a lesbian by raising her in a lesbian household.
Daughters who have politically liberal parents, live in a family in which
gay issues are freely discussed, and have gay family friends are those most
likely to trust that their mother will not “freak out” with the disclosure-
although this does not always hold true. A mother might be comfortable
with gay friends but not with a gay daughter. In one family it helped that
a mother’s lesbian sister struggled mightily to come out several years earlier.
V Since she was 14 she knew about her sister so she understood how
women can love each other. She had seen her sister being depressed
and didn’t want me to have the same problems. She was scared about
the trouble I would have in life. She put a card on my pillow that night
saying, “I love you for you.” No matter what happened, I knew I could
always come home.
The best predictor of maternal acceptance among the young women

is having an open, honest, caring relationship with their mother. One
mother was accustomed to the creativity and openness of her daughter.
They had discussed many historic and contemporary issues and were the
best of friends. Once told, “She was totally receptive and supportive. She
was laughing, totally comfortable. I t was like, ‘Oh this is new’-like she
said with my studying Zen Buddhism.”
86 MOM, DAD. Z’M GAY.

Mothers’ support, however, can also be conditional. Before they fully
accept their daughter’s sexuality, particular compromises must be negotiated.
For example, one Orthodox Jewish mother expressed annoyance with her
daughter’s sexuality but immediately switched “to a happy face when I said
I hadn’t had any sex.” With this implicit compromise that the daughter
would not act on her attractions’ the mother could more readily fulfill her
religious dictate to love and support her daughter without violating her
religious obligation to view same-sex behavior as against God’s will.
Another mother was initially “very cool towards it until I agreed not
to tell my n a k e and troubled younger brother.” She demanded further
concessions-the youth could not date a particular girl because the girl’s
mother was in the same social group as the mother. “She made it subtle,
‘It’d be a lot easier if you chose not to have a relationship with her.’ ”
Although the mother professed to be supportive, the daughter felt betrayed
because her mother was more preoccupied with her own social status than
in accepting her daughter’s sexuality.
Neutral Initial Reactions
Counter to what daughters often expect, the “average” mother does

not noticeably react in either a positive or negative way. Are these the
ones who have known for years and thus already have come to terms with
their daughter’s same-sex attractions? One young woman who e-mailed her
mother received the following sparse electronic response: “Glad you told
us.” Another youth sensed no noticeable change in the relationship after
the disclosure: “We did not speak about it for a year except I knew I was
her daughter and she loved me and if I’m happy then it is okay. Maybe
she’s always known so this was no news. I mean, if she already knew, then
what has changed?”
The mother’s reaction might also be relatively neutral because she is not
significantly invested in her daughter’s life. Although rare, several daughters
received a limited response from their coming out because, “Well, she has
her own problems.” Another youth reported that she and her mother seldom
share aspects of their lives. She told her mother during one of her sporadic
trips home. “She nodded and then asked me how school was going.”
Negative Initial Reactions
To fully represent the range of possible reactions, the most disturbing

responses must be documented-despite their infrequency. Although the
following narrative involves both parents, the mother was the driving force
creating the hideous situation that perhaps permanently destroyed the
mother-daughter relationship.
DAUGHTERS A N D MOTHERS 87
V This was when I was a freshman. Over the phone I told her [that I am
bisexual], and she is quiet, and I added, hopefully, “I still like boys.”
I t didn’t help. She was embarrassed, ashamed, shocked, and then it
went downhill.
She ordered me to come home, so I came home to face the music.
Both my parents are alcoholic, and Mom was drunk when I got home
and talking about how disgusting I was. “I hate you! You’re selfish.
When did you know?” I told her as soon as I had sex with a boy I knew
this was not what I wanted for my life. The next morning she announced
I had two choices: back to Northampton and be straight or never
welcomed home anymore. I told her I’d “be straight,” but that was just
so I could go back.
I returned and just kept doing my regular things, and then she called
and announced that they were coming up that weekend. She threatened
to pull me out of school because she believed Northampton was making
me this way. “You don’t know yourself. You don’t know what is going
on.” They accused me of being on drugs-and I guess I was drinking a
lot. Next day she calls my housing director demanding that she keep
an eye on me and lock me in my room if necessary. Well, she’s a lesbian
herself, and after she told me the story she said, “See you at Sheila’s
[lesbian bar] !”
If I came home with them I’d lose my first year. She is very controlling,
manipulative, and abusive, and she can get out of control. I’m frightened
of her so I went to get my stuff before they arrived, and I moved my
stuff out of my dorm room, leaving a letter that said I was not coming
home with them now or for the summer and was taking time off to be
by myself, work, live, be independent. They weren’t amused.
They called around, found me, and demanded [over the phone] that
I come home with them. When I said I wouldn’t, they said they’re
coming to get me. I was getting really drunk.
When they came the first thing she said was, “Get in the fucking
van! You need to come home and get fixed. You’re such a fucking mess.
Look what people have done to you! You’re a mess! You’re sick!” I
eventually gave in and began loading the van and then my network of
friends started to come by and advised me that I could call a counselor
or the campus police. The counselor said “don’t go home” because I
was 18 and not a minor. They refused, wouldn’t leave, so I called the
campus police and had them escorted off campus. And that’s where it
stands today. We barely talk.
Other young women face unpleasant situations as well, including one

who was harassed by her screaming mother who screamed for days. The
shrieking was about everything, in part because the mother feared that she
was losing the most precious relationship in her life. Further reflecting her
self-absorption was her embarrassment about being known as the mother
of a lesbian.

V I called a family meeting and told them. Told them I was lesbian, and
if this was a problem for them I was prepared to leave and stay with a
friend, if they can’t deal. Mother went white and stark cold. When I
told her she just looked away; she couldn’t look me in the face. It scared
her out of her freaking mind. She screamed lots of questions; said it
was unnatural. Everything imaginable, such as, “What happened to you
as a child? Why do this to me? To hurt me? To rebel against everything
we’ve taught you? How can you do this to your brothers? How can I
step outside the house?”
I answered these questions for days at the top of my voice. I had
been well trained as a peer counselor, but I was unprepared for this
huge screaming match that lasted all night long. I t was pretty messy.
It was very bad. She cried and said how sad she was and that a part of
her that was me died in her. For the next 2 weeks, if I entered a room
she’d leave. Wouldn’t talk to me except bare necessities.
She said she was most upset because I had hid something from her,
that we always share everything and how dare I not tell her. “Who
have you told before me? How could you tell someone outside the
family!‘’ This is all very weird to me. We have a couple of lesbian family
friends, but her daughter, well, that is another thing! She thought I
was being influenced by older women and LBQ [campus support group].
She wanted me to see a therapist, but it had to be a heterosexual one
so I wouldn’t get dragged further in.
She got so upset because I kept interrupting her. She usually sits me
down and lectures me for hours, but I wouldn’t let her this time. I stood
up for myself and was vocal to her. “This is not my daughter. This is
not the daughter I raised, to be respectful, to honor her mother. No,
this is not my daughter!”
This last paragraph suggests the operation of an additional dynamic-

the need of some mothers to exert power or control over their daughter.
These mothers appear extraordinarily upset by this breach in relative
power-the ultimate realignment of their relationship. This change might
well threaten her sense of integrity and self-concept as “mother.” Another
youth recalled her mother demanding,
V “Don’t shave your head.” Where did she get that? I wasn’t the daughter
she thought she had? What had she expected? That I’d shave my head,
gain 50 pounds, dress in leather, and buy a motorcycle? Does she think
she’s not my mother? I mean, she knows me and that’s not me.
Other mothers react less with overt anger than with denial. “Her
reaction was to say it was a stage, that all females have emotional relation-
ships with girls, that we’re all born bisexual, and that I’d been socially
conditioned to be loving toward everyone.” Another young woman was
hoping for an “okay-that’s-cool’’response but instead received a dismissal,
something she was unprepared to refute.

She didn’t take me that seriously. She said very little, “How do you
have sex with her?” A day later she said to forget about her. She thinks
it’s only a sexual thing and once the novelty goes away it’ll be over.
“Don’t be out about it or identify as such, or be political about it.”
Whether these mothers truly experience little anger or this is simply their
style of managing conflict remains unknown. The next step is to interview
them directly. What is clear from the daughters’ perspective is that of all
responses, denial is the most difficult to address. How can one confront
denial? How can one convince her mother that it is not a phase? That she
is serious about this matter?
Many mothers experience particularly unique difficulties with bisexual-
ity, in part because in most cases they are well aware of their daughter’s
history of heterosexual relationships. They either disbelieve her same-sex
attractions or assert that she should forget the girls and concentrate on
the guys.
V She didn’t believe me! “You may think you are, but you’re not.” I was
not anticipating this. She said something I thought I’d never hear from
her lips, “You’ve not had enough sex with boys.” Well I had, but I
couldn’t tell her that because it was casual sex, and I knew what she
thought of that.
She was disappointed and worried that the rest of the family would
react badly. Worried about me not having children. She was glad I told
her because I’m her daughter, and she will always love me. I knew she’d
never say “get out of the house.” She had put so much hope on me,
me being her only daughter.
She’s always accused me of bad judgment and being smart and inde-
pendent, and this bisexuality, in her head, was all about these things.
She was afraid I’d be lonely. She wants me to switch schools to get
away from the lesbians, or that I should take time off because of stress.
So ridiculous!
She says if I’m bisexual then I ought to be dating guys and forget
women. She’s starting to accept it, struggling, but not ready to accept
it yet. She wants me to get counseling. She wants the outcome for me
to realize that I can have homosexual feelings but can connect with
males and thus date them.
The bisexual myth that a daughter has equally strong attractions to

males and females often implies to parents that their child can simply
choose boys and forget the girls. Other misconceptions are apparent in the
following narrative:
V I don’t tell her if I’m dating a woman, which has not happened much.
She hasn’t done her homework, so she doesn’t understand that just
because I’m dating a man doesn’t mean my bisexuality disappears. She

asked questions like, “Does this mean you have to have males and
females all the time? At the same time? You can’t marry?’ She thought
being bi meant I’d be promiscuous, having both boys and girls, and SO
I had to educate her. I told her, “No, I see myself as monogamous. I
want one life partner, like you.”
It’s really frustrating. I can’t get that across to her. I’ve not managed
to convince her that if I’m dating either a man or a woman it’d not
make me less hi. She hides behind, “Well, she’s dating a guy so there’s
still hope.”
The variety of ways that mothers react to the disclosure of their

daughter’s same-sex attractions comprise information that is clearly far richer
than any “average”or reductionistic modal statistic can convey. From “you’re
not my daughter” to “I’m proud of you,” mothers react in ways that span
all conceivable responses. Although few mothers openly celebrate the disclo-
sure, fewer reject their daughter because of her sexuality. Even the most
accepting mothers, however, fear that their daughter will experience a more
difficult life. The family is one thing; the world is another.
Yet, if the focus is only on the initial maternal reaction, much of what
is significant about the disclosure process is missed. Empirically, what occurs
after the initial disclosure is uncharted territory. The following narratives
represent a sampling of this diversity.
RELATIONSHIPS AFTER DISCLOSURE
Following the initial disclosure, the mother-daughter relationship can

go one of several directions. Progressing from an initially positive base, it
can remain positive, deteriorate, or improve. Or, it can persist from an
initial negative reaction and stay bad, degenerate, or recuperate, even if so
slightly. Finally, the relationship after disclosure can be relatively neutral
and stay that way or go in either a positive or negative direction. Although
these possibilities ignore the more complex and nuanced aspects of a parent-
child relationship, they afford a starting point for discussing what occurs
following the initial maternal reaction.
In a review of the scientific literature, I found no study that followed
parents over time, comparing their initial reactions to later ones. The closest
to this methodology is one study that asked a small sample of parents to
retrospectively report, in general terms via a preset checklist, how they
reacted to their child’s disclosure 1 week, 1 month, and 6 months after
disclosure, as well as their present reactions. However, because the author
reported only summary statistics, the ways in which any individual parent
changed over time were not possible to discern.’

The Relationship Continues
In my interviews with young women, over 60% reported that the

mother-daughter relationship has essentially stayed the same from the initial
disclosure to the present time. This stability most often characterized those
relationships in which the mother’s initial reaction was positive or neutral
(80%of all such reactions). Furthermore, only one third of the most negative
initial responses remained very bad; most improved somewhat (one half)
or considerably (one sixth).
The most common permutation, that the mother’s initial response is
positive and their relationship has stayed positive since the disclosure, is
represented by one mother who reacted “fine, positively, not shocked and
no screaming. There’s been no real change, although the issue does not
come up much.” This response is consistent with the way she reacts to most
of her daughter’s personal issues. The lack of change does not always imply,
however, that the relationship has remained at the status quo-for example,
that the mother has not struggled to educate herself-or that no notable
shifts have occurred. One mother of a young woman did “lots of reading
and became a part of P-FLAG and edits their newspaper and does diversity
training at work. All this within a month!”
Many daughters who describe a dyadic relationship that has remained
positive over the years also report a long history of sharing close, intimate
moments with their mother. Not uncommonly, the mother is also familiar
with sexual-minority issues, has lesbian or gay friends, or has liberal political
and social ideals.
V Mom helped me come out when she and I talked about most people
being on a continuum, and this helped me realize I was on it by having
a relationship with a woman. This allowed me to be more aware and
accept that side of myself.
I can talk about my girlfriends and sometimes she’ll ask, though
usually more than I want her to. She is a strong supporter of gay rights.
She worries most about me being beaten up, me being so open on
campus and in the media.
Similar to Nancy, whose narrative begins this chapter, young women
may become frustrated that their mother is making little, if any, progress
toward understanding their sexuality and wish that she would move a little
faster toward acceptance. “Relative to her on other issues, it hasn’t been
great,” recalled one youth. She cherishes the advancement her mother has
made, but expects further growth.
V We’ve continued to talk more about it, and she’s met my girlfriend
Mary. It is still hard for her, but she said she might go to a P-FLAG
meeting. I talk a lot to her and tell her I appreciate her progress. But
I can get pretty pissed at her when she backslides.

Like when she visited last month was okay until she understood that
I planned to stay the night at Mary’s apartment. “You stay the night,
and she might take advantage of you.” What?! She thinks I ought to
date more people, by which she means men.
She wants to be good, but is not quite there yet. I don’t want to
shove it in her face, but she doesn’t try to control the sexual practices
of my sisters and their boyfriends, so why me? She wants to be there
for me, especially because Dad can’t-they’re competitive in who can
be the best parent, so 1 work this to my advantage.
Time might not, however, always work to the youth’s advantage.

Over the years a daughter can develop lofty expectations for her mother’s
acceptance, and when she does not advance adequately the mother-daughter
relationship suffers. In the following narrative, a daughter is severely annoyed
that her highly educated mother cannot overcome her homophobia.
V I am really disappointed for her not doing things like reading literature.
Like she never went out and tried to find anything. My mother is a
woman who researches everything, and she never went out and even
looked at a book about bisexuality, even the ones I gave her. They’re
untouched. I say Stonewall, and she doesn’t know what I am talking
about.
How dare you not understand me! When I do gay and lesbian work
on campus I would really like to share it with her, but I don’t feel like
I can because I don’t feel like it matters to her. So it doesn’t matter
one twit to her all the leadership stuff that I do here. There has been
no real change, and we don’t talk about it unless I start the conversation.
Another daughter anticipated continuing support after her mother

initially reacted very positively. However, that was the last affirmative re-
sponse she received. Most perplexing to the daughter is, “Why the silence?”
Perhaps enough time has not transpired.
V We’re sitting in a Borders parking lot. A sale table of books, and I
bought one on the gay movement. We got hack in the car. She asked,
“Is there anything more to this than personal freedom issues?”
Here was my chance for honesty. “Yes, I guess so.”
“Really?I had the feeling.” Took real guts for her to bring it up. She
was ready for the answer. She was quiet. “Have you ever dated a woman?”
“I think about it a lot.”
“It’s not something I would hope for you. I want an easier life for
you, but if you choose it then I can get used to it.”
There has been no mention of it since. It’s there in her head. I guess
I just have to wait.
Negative initial reactions can stay bad. Neither time nor any other
factor appear to alter the negativity.
DAUGHTERS A N D MOTHERS 93
V She is still very cold toward me and just minimal caring. She doesn’t
call. I have to call her. I’ve told her I still have attractions for guys,
and she wants me to marry this guy I’ve dated. She keeps asking me
how Thomas is and how happy it would make her if I were to marry
him. Never any conversation about women, so I just tell her what
counts. She’ll never bring it up. She just brackets that part of my life
off, so I’ve given up hope for her.
O n e factor that thwarts improvement following a n initially negative
response is the presence of traditional religious beliefs, especially within a
context of pronouncements that homosexuality is necessarily against God’s
design. Some religious groups instruct their congregants, parishioners, or
converts not to acknowledge a child’s nonheterosexuality. O n e youth ini-
tially feared that her family would sever all ties; although this has not
transpired, “She thinks I will get out of it and is praying for me. We just
don’t discuss things because her views are her church’s and they’re not
changing.” As evident from other narratives in this book, religion need
not be a detriment to loving and supporting a child, regardless of her
sexual attractions.”
O n e young woman interprets her mother’s inability to transcend this
obstacle as a n expression of envy or jealousy. Either the mother is envious
of her daughter’s freedom and ability to pursue egalitarian relationships with
other women or the mother mourns her own lost opportunities because she
does not pursue her erotic interests.
V I suspect that Mom is like me, and this bothers her. She’s very butch,
a tomboy, and all my friends who see her tell me she has got to be a
dyke. If she lived in a more open environment then maybe she’d been.
But now I feel she’s taking it out on me-she’s jealous of my living the
life she couldn’t, so she’s got to give me a hard time.
If we lived in a small town like she did, then maybe I’d still be in
the closet like her. You know, once she “confessed” to me after drinking
too much one night that in college she was attracted to women. Damn!
I wished I would have asked her more, like how so or why didn’t she
act on it physically. But I was so dumbstruck I didn’t say anything else,
and now it’s too late to ask. Maybe she is annoyed because I’ve gone
and done what she couldn’t.
Another deterrent to progression toward acceptance for some mothers
from ethnic families is fear of how they will be perceived by their parents
if the latter were to discover that their child has produced a lesbian or
bisexual daughter. For many ethnic minorities, the family serves as an
essential stronghold of the culture; it is a support system that insulates
against societal oppression and maintains cultural purity and history. If a
young woman neglects her responsibilities as mother and wife, she is stigma-
tized, as are those who raised her. O n e young woman noted that her family’s

strong ethnic heritage inhibits her mother from advancing in her attitudes
toward homosexuality. In her culture, loyalty to the fumiliu comes first.
V O n mother’s side we’re Mexican with a strong emphasis on family, and
if I came out as lesbian to them, then not only am I the sick one but
also her for being a bad parent. This older generation, I have nothing
to say to. Mom doesn’t want me to tell them, and because she spends
all of her winters in Mexico, I respect her wishes. I don’t want it to
get back to the small town where she lives. To Mom, family is so
important. I took away her dream of having grandchildren. Mom said
I can’t tell Grandmother because she’d have a heart attack.
The institution of fumilia also, however, protects young women, as

noted by writer Oliva Espin: “Latin families tend to treat their lesbian
daughters or sisters with silent tolerance: Their lesbianism will not be openly
acknowledged and accepted, but they are not denied a place in the fam-
ily, either.””
Little evidence of progress after a disclosure might also reflect a mother-
daughter relationship that was so severely impaired before the coming out
event that relatively little can improve the bond thereafter. Although there
is little scientific evidence to suggest that same-sex attracted young women
are any more likely than heterosexual women to suffer abuse, neglect, and
bad relations with their parents, similar to all other populations of young
women, they have their examples. One daughter doubts that her relationship
with her mother will ever reach a “normal level.”
V I can’t say to her today that I have a girlfriend because that would be
shoving it up her ass. She thinks it’s disgusting and that I’d be flaunting
it. She can’t hear about my problems or my life. It was like I was reborn
that day, or maybe it was like my graveyard in her eyes. I want to be
comfortable with her but I can’t; there is more than just my sexuality
that is playing in here. There’s abuse and a history that goes way back.
I’ve not lived with either of them [divorced parents] since that time.
The second most common trajectory is a mother-daughter relationship

that improves over time. The narratives permit some understanding as to
why their bond becomes stronger and more intimate.
The Relationship Improves

Over one third of all young women report that the mother-daughter
relationship is enhanced over time. This positive slope is most likely to
occur when the initial reaction is “very negative.” Most resistant to improve-
ment are relationships in which the mother initially denies her daughter’s
same-sex attractions or suggests that she is only passing through an adolescent

or women’s studies phase (20% got better). Although many of the young
women report progress in their relationship with their mother, far more
desire or expect it.
No one factor is responsible for improving mother-daughter relation-
ships. However, the aspiration of both dyadic members to maintain a close
bond is a powerful motivator. The relationship between Nancy and her
mother improved ever so slightly, perhaps because of the historic closeness
of their union-it was something neither wanted to forgo. As a result, each
was willing to compromise to maintain it. Any attempt to explain a mother’s
progression in her attitudes toward her daughter must examine not only
the mother’s transformations but also changes in the daughter that contribute
to a healthier mother-daughter relationship, such as greater tolerance, un-
derstanding, or willingness to grant her mother time to adjust, adapt, and
ask questions. Because the present study of sexuaI-minority young women
did not interview mothers, I am limited to daughters’ interpretations of the
makeover of their relationship.
Daughters often believe it is the consequence of time and love. Indeed,
several daughters note that it simply took time for their mother to move
beyond her initial shock and disappointment to discover that she, the
daughter, has essentially remained the same person. Mothers remind them-
selves that their daughter is still their daughter, and they do not want
to lose her. Besides, nothing significant has really changed. One mother
eventually accepted her daughter’s sexuality.
V She won’t be flying any banners in parades anytime soon, but if I was
in a relationship she would support me. Of course, she still hopes I’ll
find a man to suit me, but she would invite my girlfriend home on
Christmas if I had one. This is a monumental shift for her.
The other change agent-love-manifests itself in various ways. A
mother might worry about her daughter’s happiness, life, and future but
ultimately accepts her daughter because she loves her.
V Mother got a little teary eyed, but she’s a phenomenal woman. She did
really we& and now I can talk to her about anything, my girlfrrends,
being a lesbian-anything! She went to a couple of P-FLAG meetings,
but it turned out not to be for her. She’snot a gay pride sort. I couldn’t
ask for a better situation.
Other than time and love, young women frequently hypothesize several
other factors that move their mother toward tolerance or acceptance, such
as the daughter becoming involved in a same-sex romantic relationship.
This was true for Pam as well as for others.
V She didn’t like take me serious. I had to have this torrid romantic
relationship to solidify it in her mind. Then she believed me. Made it

concrete. She thought 1 was being hasty about being queer, and lesbian
sex was my cop out on life. Now she sees differently and is more
comfortable with the concept.
This all started when I like broke up with Sarah. She saw me crying.
I was not comfortable telling her about Sarah. This would make me
really a lesbian in her eyes. She was fine with it, great. She even said
to remember there were other fish for me!
Now she is helping me plan the wedding commitment with Judi.
She realizes it is not a stage anymore. Still, she is uncomfortable with
my “lifestyle.” It doesn’t fit hers. She has definitely gotten better about
it. She mentioned it in the family newsletter, the ceremony. She now
believes it doesn’t reflect badly on her, and I’ll have a good life with Judi.
This change from an emphasis on sex to relationships reflects the mother’s

understanding about what being attracted to women means for her daughter.
I t can result in increasing comfort and support.
This comfort can also be enhanced if the mother meets her daughter’s
nonheterosexual friends. The exposure to “not straight” women who are
neither “freaks” nor stereotypes can instill in her a sense that being a sexual
minority does not lead to the dire consequences about which she might
have fantasized.
V She has come a long way. She eventually visited me in Boston and
met my queer friends-she thinks all of Boston University is gay! It
moved her. She met my girlfriend, which was weird because she is
interracial, and all she could say was how tall she was. She had only
considered me marrying a Greek. I t is hard for her, and she fears for
my safety and how society will treat me. It helps that she sees my friends
so happy and confident. Occasionally she’ll lapse and say it is a phase,
but then will say she met a girl who’s perfect for me.
Finally, daughters also note that their mother is better able to support
them after she overcomes feelings of shame and guilt that it is her “fault”
that her daughter is not heterosexual and anxiety that other family members
will blame her. Mothers can be freed from self-blame if their parents and
siblings are not shaming.
V We don’t talk about it much today, but if I say I’m spending lots of
time with a particular person of the female persuasion then she begins
to question me in a negative way. I’m trying to educate her, and there’s
been progress. She’s in a better place but not fully accepting yet. She
keeps thinking that she failed some way, perhaps by not having a father
around for me.
The big break came last summer when Mom told my grandparents
about the commitment ceremony, and they’re coming to the ceremony.
She was hedging until Grandpa said, “So what?” He’s fine with it, and

so you know Grandma is too. That was it. Not her fault. I mean you
can’t take the South out of the woman entirely!
Although daughters articulate factors they believe transformed their
mother, they have greater difficulty recounting the exact process by which
their mother reached acceptance. One daughter speculates that her mother
“went through all the classic P-FLAG stages that they tell you about.”
However, her interpretation of this process is not exactly consistent with
P-FLAG literature-no initial shock or depression, but quick acceptance
(see chapter 3).
V She was absolutely okay with it, calm at first, but perhaps confused.
Couple of days later she was freaking out, visibly uncomfortable. She
calmed down. She was most upset because I was having sex so she asked
me not to have sex, but, hey, we were teenagers!
She sent me to a shrink, not to convert me but to help me out. I
went to three worthless sessions, and then said I wasn’t going unless
she was going to P-FLAG. I didn’t want me to be the only one working
through things; she had to do her share.
She was scared, but now she’s great. Mom loves my partner, and
they go out shopping together. She even bought me and my girlfriend
a brass bed and lingerie. She could not be more supportive. We are
closer than ever, and she has been adopted by my gay friends.
These transformative processes can be slight adjustments or major
renovations in the relationship. Regardless of how the transition in the
mother’s acceptance is provoked, what is most important to her daughter
is simply that a change occurs, even if it is not complete.
V She feels more comfortable than she did, but she is still silent and
reserved. She is also more friendly with my girlfriends, although we
don’t talk about my relationships. There is a gap but not a huge one.
She invited my girlfriend to stay at the house, which is a huge step.
She was very polite to her, which is small progress also. She is afraid
of raising too many objections because she’s afraid of never seeing me-
I’d be with my girlfriend all the time.
She is neither supportive nor abusive, just ignores it. Occasionally
she’ll send me some religious pamphlets about the topic. She is great
with babies and other things she can control but can’t deal with adults,
like me. Although our relationship is now not great, I’ll take it. For
example, my car is covered by [queer] bumper stickers, and she used to
tell me to back up in the driveway to cover up my stickers so the
neighbors wouldn’t see. Now she has stopped that.
The process of change c a n appear t o be a minor tweaking, so seemingly
insignificant that a youth is unaware that any progress has been made. T h e n ,
a seemingly innocent encounter illustrates the depth of transformation that
her mother has undergone.

V She said I couldn’t be bisexual but that I’d have to choose between
lesbian and heterosexual! Almost as if it would have been easier on
her if I had said that I was a lesbian! Here I thought saying bisexual
would soften the blow. She thinks bisexual means “have not made up
your mind yet.” She asked me not to tell anyone else in the family
because we are very religious.
There was no mention of anything for months after this, and this
hurt because I don’t like hiding and 1 wanted more acceptance. But I
left her alone and told no one else in the family. Just pretended we
never had the conversation.
Then two months ago I had to move to a new apartment, and she
and my brother came to help me. One of my best friends is a lesbian
who’s very butch, and she mentioned a woman she was attracted to,
“the hottest chick I’ve ever met.” Mom smiled, thinking she meant me!
Later that day Mom asked, “Is this friend your ‘special friend?‘ Am
I asking too many questions? I thought about what I said, and I apologize
for not being more accepting. I want you to be happy.”
But what really broke my heart was when she said she had woken
up for two weeks crying, until she talked to my cousin and this helped
her come to terms.
Alternatively, dramatic changes in the mother’s perspective and behav-
ior are sometimes evident. However invoked, conversions occur in cases
that begin with rejection and advance to tolerance and in cases that progress
from neutrality to unimaginable support. One such mother, whose initial
reactions were the most severe of those reported by the young women-a
situation in which the parents moved their daughter out of the home and
placed her with her grandmother in another town-eventually “came
around.”
V Mom was initially angry and silent. The next day she said that I had
to realize that I can’t baby-sit for the neighbors, and I said I knew this.
She forced me to go to the Christian counseling center and supported
Dad that I had to move out because I was a bad influence on my sisters
and brothers.
The summer after getting kicked out of the house I tried to patch
things up in my relationship with her. I had blamed them for everything
and had been very bitter. So I apologized and tried to convince her
that I had not changed and was not an evil person. It tore her apart
because I’m still her child. She agreed with Dad in kicking me out, but
now she didn’t want me out of the family or to the intensity of him or
in pushing me away. When I was at my grandmother’s and visiting
home it was a little better. I’m still the same person was my message.
She can’t relate to my lesbianism. Jessica and me had a commitment
ceremony last year, and I invited her, and she said she couldn’t come.
Then I told her not to come as “mother of the bride” but as a guest,
and she did. She can hug me and doesn’t blame me for wanting a

partner with equal power. Her religion says it is wrong, but she loves
Jessica and welcomes her whenever she sees her. She’ll get there. I just
want tolerance, and I can get this from my mother. Acceptance is a
bit of a stretch right now.
Another impressive adjustment in a mother’s attitude occurred after

she experienced an unspecified “self-revelation.” She and her daughter had
always been very close, and this news startled her into uncharacteristic
behavior. The key catalyst to acceptance was participation in a parent
support group.
V At first she wanted to tell absolutely no one-although she then told
Dad and eventually all of her relatives, including her four sisters, before
1 had a chance to. It was weird for awhile. I couldn’t predict her. She
wanted to know why I had to be so politically involved, wearing freedom
rings, and why so visible.
Then what a change! She found, on her own, the P-FLAG group
and cried all during the first meeting. During the second she felt better
and then brought me to the third. Then she took me to the Pride March
and held the banner for P-FLAG! She volunteered to be interviewed for
the newspaper and had our picture with our names in the Miami Herald.
She really came out herself, as the mother of a lesbian. She came
to an “Ellen Party” we had at the sorority and said she loves me and
all my “queer” friends-she actually used that word! She even offered
to set up a halfway house for “baby dykes” who had no home to go to
over breaks and holidays. She can talk easier with my friends than I can!
Of course not all relationships improve with time or stay the same. The
trajectory most feared by young women is the one in which the relationship
worsens after coming out.
The Relationship Deteriorates
Although relatively rare, the dyadic relationship can deteriorate, some-

times to the point that communication and support no longer occur. One
daughter received an initial e-mail response from her mother stating that
she was “glad” for her; the second e-mail was not as positive.
V She said she was hurt, didn’t accept it as a choice, but would love me.
So I thought things were cool, but on my first visit home in person I
brought my girlfriend, which might not have been a good move. She
was stunned, shocked, and her mouth hung open. Second time, Sam
girlfriend, Mom cried. She was angry at Dad for being nice to me. Third
time I was sick so Mom could take care of me and that was great for
her. Fourth time she was warm one minute and then silent; cried and
then happy. Just no reason for the switch, like in mid-sentence. I don’t
know what to expect on the fifth, but it’s getting more dangerous.

Perhaps the most difficult stumbling block preventing a mother from
accepting her daughter was noted in the last section-her belief that she
is at fault for the daughter’s “alternative lifestyle.” The more the following
mother considered her daughter’s sexuality, the more agitated she became.
V I hate keeping secrets. Yet I don’t want her to know my personal stuff
because I don’t trust her.
She said, “Oh, I already know honey.” Which was her way to get
back at me for not telling her sooner. “Whatever makes you happy,
makes me happy.” I thanked her for being so cool, but I had my doubts.
She had not digested it yet. Later she asked, “Did I do something
to cause it?” Which implies that something is wrong with me. She is
so narcissistic that she thinks everything is caused by her. I wanted to
yell, “Get off it! It has nothing to do with you!”
“Did you have negative experiences with boys? Was it because of
seeing me and your dad fail?” She feels it’s her fault, that she passed it
onto me, which is strange given it’s Dad’s side who has all the gay
genes. Yet she was a tomboy and looks very lesbian. I’m sure she has
her own doubts about herself. If she had raised me right then she feels
I’d be straight.
Today if I bring it up she’ll say she can’t sleep at night. Hole in her
heart and I did it to hurt her. So mean of me, evil, and yet she lets me
take care of her.
If current trends persist, most daughters can expect increasingly positive

reactions from their mother. It might not occur as quickly as they would
like or reach as high a level as they have a right to expect, but it will likely
improve nevertheless. One group of daughters who almost always expect
to receive positive reactions are those who have mothers with same-sex
attractions.
WHEN MOTHERS HAVE SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS
Perhaps the most supportive mothers, if not initially then certainly

eventually, are those who also have same-sex attractions or are avowedly
lesbians. Two of the interviewed young women have “out” lesbian mothers,
and several more have mothers who appear to be attracted to women.
Although the following mothers are supportive of their daughter’s sexuality,
both young women nevertheless struggled to come out, illustrating the
complexity of factors that lead to disclosure. Simply knowing that one will
receive a positive response does not preclude youths from grappling with
numerous other dynamics.
V We’ve always been bonded very close. She calls me her “amazing daugh-
ter.” I was upset and shocked when she came out. No suspicions because

I don’t think of my parents having sexuality. Here I was this straight
person in high school with a lesbian mom. I gave her a hard time, and
I regret this.
She was shocked when I told her because she had devoted so much
energy to herself. She has lots of internalized homophobia, but she was
still bursting with joy. I t made it easier to come out to her. I knew her
horror stories, and I didn’t want others to think she was to blame for
me. I guess I wanted to protect her, but maybe I just wanted it to be
my own coming out and not hers.
One daughter who has strong suspicions about her mother has not yet
disclosed to her.
V My parents are happily married, but if not, she would definitely be
involved with women. All her friends are lesbians, and she spends lots
of time with them.
Growing up she always said it was fine to be lesbian. I’d have no
problem telling her, but I’d want to tell both at the same time. She’d
be very positive, more happy than if I liked boys. We’re very, very close.
In fact we look almost exactly the same except for 30 years.
A FINAL WORD
Young women want and receive support from their mother. In large
part this is because the relationship girls have with their mothers prior to
disclosure is intimate, open, and communicative, enhancing the mother-
daughter bond. Most young women disclose because they want to share this
most momentous aspect of their identity with the most important woman in
their lives. In this regard they do not essentially differ from their heterosexual
sisters-who also report greater comfort talking to their mother than their
father about personal, emotional matters.]* Not uncommonly, because of
the investment they have in their daughter’s life, mothers already know or
suspect her unconventional sexuality; they are often the ones to ask or to
bring up the subject.
Of course, not all young women and their mother experience this level
of warmth and trust. Some youths report being emotionally and physically
abused by their mother; this relatively low number feel that they had a
distant or nonexistent childhood relationship.
In sharing this aspect of their life with their mother, young women
might not use a sexual identity label to express the nature of their sexuality
but instead describe their sexual and emotional attractions. They “have a
crush on a woman” or “are primarily attracted to women.” Identity labels
such as lesbian and bisexual feel too extreme or sexual, or convey the wrong
message. They also want to “soften” the message; describing their sexuality
102 MOM.DAD.I’M GAY

in behavioral or attitudinal terms is a more accurate, gentle method of
conveying themselves. In some circumstances, a single coming-out event
does not occur-disclosure is a series of conversations over a period of years
that communicate a daughter’s growing understanding of her sexuality.
The need to share “all” with mother is not always realized. Nearly
40% of the young women in this study have not disclosed, and many of
these young women expect at least a slightly negative reaction. Mothers,
including Wendy’s, who are unfamiliar with what it means to be lesbian or
bisexual appear to have the most difficulty with the disclosure and tend to
embrace stereotypical notions of these concepts, resulting in feelings of
shame, guilt, and self-blame. Nancy’s mother could not accept her daughter’s
attractions because her small-town, conservative upbringing precluded expo-
sure to the modem world. To preempt ignorance, some daughters embark
on a campaign of education.
V All I wanted was to have an open relationship with her, like we used
to have, to speak to her about anything on my mind. So, over the last
year I began this campaign to prepare, to educate her about gay issues.
She had no clue, no idea of what a lesbian woman was; to her a
homosexual man was someone who was nonreproductive. She was in
the Dark Ages, and I knew that. I didn’t want to be embarrassed by
her anymore. I wanted what we used to have. God, I was expecting
so much!
Research demonstrates that young women are increasingly sharing

their sexuality with their mother, while living at home, and through a
variety of modalities, whether by a direct telling, not denying a mother’s
accusations, a telephone call, or an e-mail. Despite this early age of coming
out to mother, the temporal rank of this disclosure relative to other identity
milestones has not changed over different cohorts. Of 9 such transitions
assessed in this project, disclosure to mother ranked 8th-just ahead of
disclosure to father-but only a year after the young woman self-labeled
and disclosed to a first person. Mothers might be upset, cry, and beg for a
recanting, but most eventually accept their daughter. It is important to
remember that although some daughters are at risk for rejection-their
mother boots them out of the house, severs financial aid, or disowns them-
this is a rare occurrence.
Mothers who do not blame themselves for their daughter’s nonhetero-
sexuality, who do not have strong conservative religious or political beliefs
that peg homosexuality as sinful or wrong, who have been exposed to gay
people and gay culture, and who have a trusting relationship with their
daughter are those most likely to maintain good relations with this impor-
tant young woman. Quite often these are young mothers, who were reared
at a time (the 1960s) that encouraged exposure and tolerance toward

homosexuality. Empirical research has demonstrated that young women who
have such a mother are more likely to be satisfied with their relationship,
to be out to her, and to have higher levels of self-esteem. Youths who
feel acceptance from their mother also feel comfortable with their sexual
~ r i e n t a t i o n . ’I~t is this mutual interdependence that moves many mothers
forward with their daughters to new affiliations and experiences.
ENDNOTES
Elias, M. (1998, December 14). Teen-age girls say mom’s become a pal.
USA Today, pp. lD, 8D.
’ Bell, A. P., Weinberg, M. S., & Hammersmith, S. K. (1981). Sexual prefer-
ence: Its development in men and women. Bloomington: Indiana University Press.
’ DAugelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
American Journal of Community Psychology, 21, 421-448; DAugelli, A. R. (1998,
youths. Paper presented at the Society for Research on Adolescence, San Diego,
CA; Lever, J. (1995, August 22). Lesbian sex survey. The Advocate, 21-30; and
Telljohann, S. K., & Price, J. P. (1993). A qualitative examination of adolescent
homosexuals’ life experiences: Ramifications for secondary school personnel. Journal
In my earlier research, reported in 1990 in Gay and Lesbian Youth: Expressions
of Identity (Washington, DC: Hemisphere), 59% of female college students had
disclosed to their mothers. This is consistent with the 63% of young women who
had disclosed to their mothers in Gil Herdt and Andrew Boxer’s (1993), Children
of Horizons: How Gay and Lesbian Teens Are Leading a New Way Out of the Closet
(Boston: Beacon).
’ D’Augelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
AmericanJournalofCommunityPsychology, 21,421-448; and DAugelli, A. R. (1998,
youths. Paper presented at the Society for Research on Adolescence, San Diego, CA.
DAugelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S.L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
American Journal of Community Psychology, 2 1 , 42 1-448; DAugelli, A. R. ( 1998,
CA; and Weinberg, M. S., Williams, C. J., & Pryor, D. W. (1994). Dual attraction:
Understanding bisexuality. New York: Oxford University Press.
’ D’Augelli, A. R., Hershberger, S. L., & Pilkington, N. W. (1998). Lesbian,
gay, and bisexual youth and their families: Disclosure of sexual orientation and its
consequences. American Journal of Orrhopsychiatry, 68, 361-37 1. Confirmation of

the second point is in Weinberg, M. S., Williams, C. J., & Pryor, D. W. (1994).
Dual attraction: Understanding bisexuality. New York: Oxford University Press.
’ The mean expected reaction was 3.7 on a 1 (very supportive) to 7 (rejection)
scale; for actual, 3.2.
men’s, and lesbians’ perspectives. .loumal of Homosexuality, 30, 89-1 12.
I‘ One of my graduate students, Geoffrey L. Ream, is investigating intrinsic
and extrinsic religion in the lives of sexual-minority youths by focusing on the
former as a source of resiliency for developing a sexual identity.
‘I Page 40 in Espin, 0.
M. (1987). Issues of identity in the psychology of Latina
lesbians. In Boston Lesbian Psychologies Collective (Eds.), Lesbian psychologies:
Explorations and challenges (pp. 35-55). Urbana: University of Illinois Press.
’* Collins, W. A., & Russell, G. (1991). Mother-child and father-child rela-
tionships in middle adolescence: A developmental analysis. Dewlopmental Review,
1 I , 99-136.
I’ Savin-Williams, R. C. (1990). Gay and lesbian youth: Expressions of identity.
DAUGHTERS AND MOTHERS I05

DAUGHTERS AND FATHERS
Peggy
It was going to be real nervous telling Dad because since he remarried
he’s very upper class now, with the country club, church (he’s turned
very Catholic, like his new wife), and career advancement with his
new investment firm. After he remarried they live on this island, and
1 now have several stepbrothers and sisters. His life now centers around
these things, so I didn’t think he’d be happy to hear about me. With
this life and new status I figured he’d be quite embarrassed by having
this dyke daughter. The court gave him visitation rights every other
weekend, but I still never was that close because what he was into
didn’t interest me. One year I went without seeing him. He’s not really
the heart-to-heart type of guy.
At Cornell, my sophomore year I decided I wanted to tell him, that
now was the time. But the right moment never came up. I was spending
time with him and his new wife on the island, and my girlfriend was
nearby and I was visiting her all the time. They saw us together, and
I guess this was enough to tip them off. I thought we were discreet, but
Dad said we were flirting with each other.
The day before I had to go back to school Dad asked me, “Can I
ask you a personal question?” We’re not real close so I thought it was
going to be a simple question, like what my major was or what I was
going to do next summer. “Is there a physical relationship between you
two?” I said now is the moment, so I said, “Yes.” I didn’t want to lie
to him, but I was holding my breath. I really had no idea how he would
react. I knew he’d not disown me, that he’d still love me in his own
way, but I didn’t know how he’d be beyond okay with it. He was silent
for a bit and then said, “It’s okay. We love you. Just make sure you
take care of yourself because there’s lots of people who will try to
harm you.”
He knew because of the flirting. I was shocked because I thought he
had no clue. He never notices personal things like that about me. Then
he laughed because he already knew and thought I knew that he knew,
which was why he thought we were being so obvious with our flirting,
but I didn’t know we were that obvious. Overall he was supportive, I
guess, but mostly nonreactive.
107
Since then, he will ask about my girlfriend but won’t talk about it
a lot. It’s just there. Friendly about it but not real supportive. My
stepmom knows, but we haven’t talked. As a person she likes me and
respects me, but she does not ask. Her brother is gay, so I think that
helped him be good about it.
My sister called me a week later and said that Dad had figured it
out months ago, and he wanted me to know that he knew but couldn’t
tell me that he knew. He thought I had no clue about what I was, and
he wanted to tell me that he thought I was lesbian but didn’t know
how to tell me. We both had a big laugh over that.
Nan
We’re in his car, a rainy night, and he was depressed. He and Mom
were having another fight. He was flipping out, crying, so I thought I’d
add to his trauma. He flipped, really flipped out. We talk about politics
but nothing ever personal stuff. He is not used to hearing about my
personal life. So this was a shocker, just to be personal.
He didn’t know what to say. Next morning he yelled at me. Said I
can’t be religious and bisexual. He said he should have known given
how close I was to my female friends. He thinks it’s the result of my
feminism; he is oblivious in general to my life. Said I can’t be in his
home and bring girls. He thought an older woman had molested me. I
guess in a women’s studies course.
Until a month ago he never talked about it. He went along, and it
never came up. Then had long talk over the phone on all sorts of
things, religion, God, slavery, queer women. He was not flipping out
but listening. Tolerating it, but he still believes it’s wrong, sinful. No
real expression since then. He’s been civil to my girlfriend. He just
doesn’t deal with it. No real change over time since that conversation.
He loves me because I’m his daughter. He doesn’t seem to think he
has a choice.
Weaver
We’re not very close, and he’s very indifferent toward these kinds of
things. I never know when or how he is told things about me. No talk
between us. He knows everything about me through my mom. Never
any personal conversation with him. We don’t talk that much, and he
knows nothing about me, not even my major.
I haven’t told him because we’re not on good terms; not on bad
terms, just not any terms. I rarely see him, even when living there for
a long time, and we rarely talk about anything. I assume he knows,
I guess.
It’s hard to say how I’d expect him to react. No way would he be
negative; maybe neutral. We’re not very close, and it will be an awkward
conversation, but he will be fine with it. He won’t have a strong reaction
or freak out. He’d not care so much. He’s very laid back, in his own world.

I don’t want to bother him with it. Our relationship is just not
strong. The only way I’d tell him if I was in a serious relationship and
then I feel obligated to tell him. But I don’t feel a need to tell him
because he’s just not a big part of my life. This was never on his agenda
or mine. This is not on my list of things to tell him, to share emotional
or sexual life.
Although Peggy, Nan, and Weaver have had very different experiences
with the decision of whether to tell their father about their same-sex attrac-
tions, they share one commonality-each feels that her relationship with
her father is impaired, distant, and nonemotional. Indeed, the lack of a
relationship is the central theme of this chapter. Whether it is less than or
varies in degree from the relationship that a young woman without same-
sex attractions has with her father is unknown. The nature of the relationship
sexual-minority daughters have with their fathers before, during, and after
disclosure is explored in this chapter.
When researchers in the late 1960s compared “homosexual” and het-

erosexual women, the former “presented a somewhat less-favorable picture
of their fathers and of their relationships with them.”’ Compared with
heterosexual women, lesbian and bisexual adults were more likely to report
having felt anger, fear, and resentment toward their father while growing
up and to feel detached from him. T o them, he was unfair and rejecting-
but not seductive-and did not show favoritism toward another child.
They were less likely to identify with him and to describe him as strong,
active, and dominant. It should be remembered, however, that many of
these women grew up in the 1930s and 1940s, a very different time from
the one in which current cohorts of young women were raised. Other
than psychoanalytically oriented research studies and clinical case histot-
ies, research on the lesbian daughter-father relationship prior to disclosure
is scant.
All three women whose stories begin this chapter report distant rela-
tionships with their father. Peggy is “not real close” with her father and
thus does not know him well. Nan’s relationship with her father is so
impaired that she had few qualms about adding to his trauma when she
came out to him. Weaver and her father communicate so rarely that she
feels that he has little knowledge about her. These three youths represent
the young women I interviewed. Some have better relations with their
father and some much worse, but on average most feel alienated from their
father even before they decide to disclose to him. Whether this disconnected
DAUGHTERS AND FATHERS I09

father-daughter relationship is particular to this sample or representative
of most young women with same-sex attractions cannot be determined by
prior empirical research.
The vast majority of narratives detailing relations with father reflect

neither positive nor negative relations, only nonexistent, distant contact.
These narratives are usually short, blunt, and painful, signaling largely non-
emotional connections. If involved at all, then the dyadic relationship is
usually based on rational discourse. One young woman’s father is “intellec-
tual, so we talk about communism and not about sex. He knows less about
my personal life; it seems less of his business. We talk about abstract ideas.”
Thus, the decision to disclose is seldom major or life altering and is deter-
mined mostly by convenience or judiciousness. One youth simply said, “We
speak only once a year, so his opinion is not that important to me.”
Less commonly, young women recall primarily negative experiences

with their father while growing up. These memories include instances not
only of neglect but also, occasionally, of physical and emotional abuse.
Because my father was very physically abusive to me and my sister and
to the boys, my mom moved herself and my youngest brother out to
an apartment to protect him. But she couldn’t live there with him
because of her job, so 1 went there to live. Dad flipped out when he
found out [about the move]. I got involved with men to protect me
from my father and the boys on the street.
He’s supposed to be in my life! He’s my father damn him! But he’s not
in my life. He’s ignored me as he has his whole family and broke my
heart so many times that I don’t talk to him now. I never intend to
tell him. He’s mentally unstable and very negative.
Give you an idea of how he would respond. When I was 10 he said
never bring home any “brownies” as dates. My boyfriend in junior high
was Black, so I could never mention him, and he didn’t know. I have
n o memories of him while growing up. He was never around because
he was at the office.
Several of the young women interviewed believe that they could have
a good relationship with-their father were it not for their mother. Despite
a history of conflict, one young woman had only respect for her father.
V He might be cool about it, but he has been around Mom too long. He
is capable of dealing with it. The person is more important than the
label, a concept beyond Mom. He is an honest, wonderful person except
110 M O M ,DAD. I’M GAY.

when around Mom. However, I’ve lost respect for him because he won’t
stand up to her. He is a logical person, and I can reason with him. If
I told him I know that he’d be disappointed with me, but he would
not cut me off. He’d just ignore it.
“Daddy’s Little Girl”

Several daughters who felt close to their father while growing up
consider themselves to be “daddy’s little girl.” The warmth and closeness
of the relationship sometimes carries through to the present time. The
following young woman is one of the relatively few youths who reports such
a positive relationship with her father.
V I was the classic “daddy’s little girl,” and I loved it. I and everyone else
knew I was his favorite. He told me stories at night and let me come
into his shop in the basement, where no one was allowed, and watch
him make things. He was the one who talked to me about my body,
sex, puberty. He came to all my track meets and got me back in school
when I was suspended for smoking.
My freshman year in high school I was listening to the Indigo Girls,
and he looked at the CD cover and asked me in a joking way if there
was something I wanted to tell him. He’s open-minded, and I get lots
of attention from him. He’ll be the hardest to tell because what he
thinks means the most to me.
From these prior relationships, young women must decide whether to

come out to their father. Most decide against it, until a later age.
WHETHER FATHERS ARE TOLD
Research has generally acknowledged that the percentage of daughters

who have disclosed to their father is considerably less than those who have
disclosed to their mother. This discrepancy, however, may be decreasing
among recent cohorts of young women. For example, with data collected
during the late 1980s, Gil Herdt and Andrew Boxer reported that just over
60% of Chicago lesbian and bisexual teenagers disclosed to their mother,
but just over 33% had told their father. During the same time period I
distributed an anonymous survey to 103 young women, 60% of whom had
disclosed to their mother compared with only 25% to their father. Five
years later, Tony D’Augelli reported that 42% of lesbian and bisexual adoles-
cents living with their parents had knowledgeable fathers; this percentage
increased to nearly 60% in a second data set collected several years ago.2
In the present study, 45% of young women are out to their father,
considerably below the 63% who are out to their mother. Although the
DAUGHTERS AND FATHERS 111

two do not talk about it, far more daughters believe that their father knows
or has strong suspicions about his daughter’s sexuality. In similar situations
with the mother, the parent and child are likely to talk about the moth-
er’s suspicions.
A second point also surfaces from the narratives: A cohort effect
appears to cut across sample differences among youths and their fathers.
That is, contemporary samples of young women with same-sex attractions
are more likely than previous generations to come out to their father.
However, the proportion of those who disclose remains considerably smaller
than those who come out to their mothers.
Why daughters do not disclose to their father has been a matter of
conjecture rather than empirical investigation. The narratives offer several
insights regarding the reasons for this withholding.
REASONS NOT TO TELL
Given that half of sexual-minority young women are not out to their
father, why have they not disclosed this most vital aspect of their personal
life? Of the undisclosed young women I interviewed, nearly one half re-
sponded overwhelmingly with a response similar to Weaver, “We’re not
very close, and he’s very indifferent toward these kinds of things.” One fifth
could not give a reason as to why they have not come out, except to say
that they have not gotten around to it. Less frequent, constituting about
10% each of the reasons not to disclose, are it is not the right developmental
time, they fear his negative reactions, and they do not want to hurt him.
Not Close
Many of the nondisclosing young women withhold the information
because, “It doesn’t matter if he knows or not; we’re not that close.” One
youth simply said, “He’s not in my life.” Not one young woman offered
“not close” as the primary reason for not disclosing to her mother. Daughters
“adapt” to this difficult situation by further emotionally distancing them-
selves from their father. “Well, he would be very passive. It wouldn’t matter
to me because he doesn’t matter to me. If I did it then it would be by e-
mail. I guess he would be disappointed and that would be it.”
Many of these fathers are described as ‘‘clueless,”not only about their
daughter’s sexuality but also about her life, relationships, and feelings.
V He only knows what Mom tells him. He is the scientist type. He has
no prejudices. He doesn’t care. He would just ignore the subject and
wouldn’t know how to handle it. Even if I say I like a boy he has no
I12 MOM, DAD. I’M GAY

reactions. We talk science and engineering things, and tell bad jokes.
We don’t talk about anything serious. He’d say, “Go ask your mother.”
This famine of intimacy convinces many daughters that it is not

particularly important to tell their father. “Our relationship has tempered
my desire to tell him. It is not a close relationship anyway. Once before, I
told him that I didn’t feel close to him and that he didn’t know me. So if
I told him then that would be something else he would say I didn’t share
with him. It’s not worth it.” Some expect negative reactions but most predict
no reaction-which is exactly the reason why they choose not to tell him.
One youth stated that although she does not know whether others have
told him, it is one conversation she would rather not have.
V Once he saw me with my woman/woman earrings and says, “Does this
mean something!” I said it was just great art. So I denied it because I
lust didn’t want to get into it with him.
I seldom see him because h e travels all the time, but it is purely a
practical matter. I’d tell him if I had a female partner and wanted to
bring her home. Don’t know how he’d respond but probably not be
real happy with it. He’d probably ask how I know. I don’t want that
conversation. We were never that close because of his personality.
Have Not Gotten Around to It
Similar in tone are the young women who have no specific reasons
not to come out: They just have not gotten around to it. In most situations,
it is apparent that the daughter and father are not intimately connected.
The daughter will tell him, probably soon.
V We already have the rift that he doesn’t know me. T o tell him would
really tell him he really doesn’t know me, or knows me even less than
he thinks he does. He doesn’t know my friends or my life or the questions
I’ve had, and we’ve not ever talked about gay issues. I will tell him
because I have to. but I don’t know when.
For other young women, the best time to come out to their father has
not yet arrived. This is often motivated by the desire to avoid pain, for
either her or her father, that would inevitably ensue. These 15% of young
women require more time before this affront is delivered to their sketchy
bond.
V He’d say it is not normal, so why put myself through that? There is a
big emphasis in his family of being “normal” and marrying. Dad is
completely homophobic. He’s got no idea of my life or experiences. I
DAUGHTERS AND FATHERS I I3

can’t tell him, not yet. Once I asked him, “What if I said I was gay?”
and he said, “You’re not gay. Gay people can’t get married.”
When I was little we had fun times together. As I got older and
witnessed the fighting between him and Mom, he became more villain-
ized in my eyes. Since the divorce Mom and my sister say bad things
about him, and I agree with them. I’ve just tried to maintain good
relations with him on the surface. We’re not ready to do issues with
each other. He’s 61, and we have got a lot of scars.
What would provoke a disclosure by these daughters? The answer for

many is a very serious same-sex romantic relationship that would “prove”
t o him that they are serious about this “lesbian thing.”
V He wants me to be more feminine, and he doesn’t “get” me. His sister

just started dating a woman after three marriages and six kids, and he’s
been okay with that, but not emotionally supportive. I’m afraid that’s
the way he’d be with me. Being in love would solve my dilemma. Then
I’d have to tell him.
Fear Negative Repercussions
By contrast are the 10% of young women who fear personal and
negative repercussions subsequent to a disclosure. These range from losing
financial support to foregoing their recently acquired sense of independence
and freedom. One daughter considered the possibility that her father might
disown her, so she has “no plans to tell him; well, maybe after I graduate
when I’m independent of him.” Then the unexpected happened.
V All my friends said it would be crazy because he would cut my money

and kick me out. I was out and active at college, but I couldn’t tell my
parents. I wanted to complete my degree first, so I decided not to
tell them.
Then he passed away from a heart attack. When my dad was working
on the house and needed a helper, then I did that. 1 liked fixing things
like cars, building, aggressive things like haggle at buying things in
store, being independent. He liked me when I did these things, although
he expected I would marry and stay at home. He could not imagine
why I wanted a college degree or to make more money than my husband.
He wanted me to be a lady.
A n African American young woman has no plans to tell her father

because, “He has no need to know. He’d label me for life. He overreacts
to everything, like when I dated a White guy. No relationship with him,
and I could not have one even if I told him.”

Wants Not to Hurt Him
A few daughters choose not to disclose because they do not want

to unduly hurt or disappoint their father. Perhaps they have a tentative
relationship with him and they do not want to be the “cause” of even slight
pain and disappointment.
V We don’t just “chat” like Mom and 1 do. Doesn’t know the details of
my life. which is fine with me, but it does scare me a little. Don’t know
him as well.
We have such a weird relationship. I mean he’s so good to me. He
thinks I’m perfect, and I’m afraid it will annoy him if I tell him. I hope
he doesn’t flip out. He’s impressed by the things I do, and he’s very
happy with me. He would prefer a husband, but he would trust whatever
I do.
He’s a wild card. He could be very upset. I think he won’t be happy
but will tell Mom to calm down. He takes the “don’t worry, be happy”
approach to life. He’ll be the hardest. He’ll probably make jokes about
it and pick on me for a week like he used to do. He picks on me when
he’s hurt.
He should know, and I have guilt because he deserves to go through
the same process I’ve been through. It’s not fair to him. He deserves a
mourning period.
Or, a daughter fears that she will hurt her father’s status or reputation in
the community, especially if she were to come out publicly.
V Because of his position as mayor I don’t want him to deal with it. Not
sure how he’d react, although he is a Democrat! He has n o problems
with gays in general, but it’d be different for him conceiving it in a
positive way and actually experiencing it when it was his daughter. I
talk to him about my gay friends, and it is okay with him.
Initially he’d be hurt, and then okay with it. He would accept it
though it’d bother him. I’m his baby girl, and I feel it would have hurt
him if I told him, that he’d not be elected. He does not believe that
it is a choice or abnormal-like a genetic population control. It’d be
a struggle because he wants to run for higher office.
I should tell him-and I will, next Break, I promise! Really, though,
if I told him he wouldn’t say anything but would look grim, go back
to reading his newspaper, and later maybe call Mom and ask her to
“do” something about it. He needs me and our relationship. If I were
in a romantic relationship with a woman I’d have to because I wouldn’t
do it to her. Maybe he would tell me to think it over-“Is it such a
wise choice?” he’d caution me. “NOWdon’t act rashly. Think through
the consequences. Be an adult about this. Consider your family.” Any-
way, that’s my guess.

Daughters are often baffled about what to expect from their father if
they were to tell him. He is a mystery, and as long as they are unable to
predict his reactions they will not come out to him. One youth described
her father as “a nut case.” She has no plans to disclose, and would only
consider it if “I were independent enough and in control of things, then
maybe.” Many young women long for the time when they can feel more
in touch with their father.
The other half of the young women I interviewed disclosed to their
father. Their reasons for sharing this information are diverse but for many
it is simply the right time, someone else tells him, or it is something “to
get over with.”
REASONS TO TELL
Although little is known about the reasons daughters do not disclose

to their fathers, even less is understood about why others do. Because most
relationships youths have with their father prior to disclosure are impaired
or, more precisely, nonexistent, daughters are primarily motivated to disclose
not to improve their relationship (because they have given up) but to fulfil
an obligation. Daughters can be so ambivalent about their impaired or
shallow relationship with their father that it seems unimportant to disclose.
A variety of other, less frequent, circumstances can also provoke a daughter’s
coming out to her father.
Right Time and Outed by Another
Nearly three quarters of young women out to their father in the present
study report that they cannot specify a precise reason for disclosing to their
father, other than vaguely suggesting that “the time was right” or because
someone else-almost always their mother-told him. In the former cases,
the women decide, usually without emotion, that it is something they have
to do-or something their mother asked or demanded of them.
V This was a week later, and I felt pressured into it because I had told
Mom earlier, and she was so positive about it and proud. She said I
had to tell him because it’d be unfair if he didn’t know, and he will be
so good anyway. I wondered if it wouldn’t be different if it’s your
daughter. But she asked me to do it, so I really had to.
V I told him last October because I was going on the internship, and he’d
have to know where I was and what I was doing [lesbian-related posi-
tion]. I don’t have a lot of respect for him even though I get a lot from
him intellectually. He’s not been a great parent, but an adequate one,
so it just seemed life would be easier if I told him then.

In the following cases, the young women confirm, usually without
offering elaboration, the information because they do not want to lie or
they embrace the opportunity “as good of a time as ever.”
V Either my sister or my mother told him, or he pieced it together some-
how. He has met my girlfriends, so it must have been obvious for him,
but I never told him directly. Yet one day he asked if I was going with
June, and 1 said that I was. So that was how I knew that he knew about
my lifestyle.
V Mom told him the next day. I knew she would; she has no secrets
from him. He told her that it was my business and not to talk about
it. He’d like to sweep it under the rug, he told her. He would not
understand such things, and I don’t like his view on such things. We
can share a lot about careers, ideas, but not about personal things.
Father Asks
Peggy never found the “right” time to disclose to her father; eventually
he directly confronted her by asking “the question.” A parent initiating the
disclosure is far less common among fathers (five times less frequent) than
mothers, perhaps because mothers are more in tune with their daughter’s
life, and fathers do not want to “intrude” into her personal matters. Only
about 5% of fathers initiate such a conversation; many more are instructed
by their wives to ask their daughter about the nature of her sexual orientation.
Fear of Being Outed
Fear of being outed by others, including newspaper editors, can also

be the impetus for disclosure. Apprehension about media exposure is most
common among politically active women. One classic example is of a young
bisexual woman who is o u t at college but in the closet in her hometown
community.
V I was outed by the Daily Review [student newspaper] to my family. It is
one of my favorite coming-out stories because in retrospect I think it is
a riot, but it was not fun at the time. My parents had come up for
Parents Weekend, and the Review took the opportunity to report on
student elections. My parents picked up a copy to see my picture with
the words “Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender rep” underneath it.
Thev said nothing, but I could feel the tension.
So we were at lunch, and the Dean of Students stops by and congratu-
lates me on my election. So Dad said to me, “So what’s this deal with
this lesbian gay thing?” and I said, “Oh I identify as bisexual now,” and
put this huge bite of salad in my mouth hoping I wouldn’t have to
answer any more questions.

Wants to Hurt Him
Several young women, similar to Nan, decide to punish or traumatize

their father by disclosing their sexual attractions. One youth so resented
the intellectual, noninvolved relationship she and her father share, that by
disclosing this most secretive aspect of her life that she knew would meet
with his disapproval, she was hoping to punish him for his prior neglect
and to get his attention, to “turn his head.”
V W e have a weird relationship. He’s a very nonconfrontational kind of
a guy, and his way to solve all problems is to throw money at it. That’s
his job in the family, the extent of his family obligation. It’s him, but
it’s always bothered me, more now that I’m in college, and I can see
that not all fathers have to be that way.
We’re not close, so sometimes I’ve taken to shocking him to get a
reaction, or maybe just to get back at him for years of emotional neglect.
His voice raised about three octaves. “Are you sure?” Then he went
back to his newspaper. I tried.
Wants to Share Her Life
Occasionally, young women disclose to their father because they sin-

cerely want to share this aspect of their life with him. One in 20 young
women-as opposed to 1 in 3 with mothers-report that they came out
because they desired their father’s support and approval, which they usually
receive. Despite tremendous pressure not to tell her father, one youth decided
that the most important priority was to establish a positive relationship
with him.
V T h e question really was why I waited a year after telling Mom. They
were getting divorced, and it was a gross divorce. I was being used by
both of them, so Mom didn’t want me to tell him because he might
use it against her in court. It was easy to hide because h e lived in
New Jersey.
I regretted that so much because it wasn’t fair to me. So I finally
decided to screw Mom and tell Dad because I wanted a relationship
with him. He has to know about me. I told him, and he’s been supportive,
at least as best as he can.
Because most fathers seemingly do not notice or care about their

daughter’s sexual orientation, most youths assume that the disclosure is not
a very important event to him.
V I told my friends and most of the people at college. Dad was fourth in
the family, after my second sister, mother, and oldest sister. It was most
important to tell them, but I knew one more and I’d be finished. I t was
I18 MOM,DAD. I’M GAY.

my mission to get it all over with by the beginning of the summer.
That only left Dad.
This “only leaving Dad” usually ends when his daughter comes out to him
under orders of her mother. As is apparent in the next section, quite often
the mother has already disclosed her daughter’s sexuality to her husband.
WHEN AND HOW FATHERS ARE TOLD
Few research studies document the average age at which daughters

disclose to their father, because the investigator did not ask, did not differen-
tiate father from mother (“parents”), or grouped sexual-minority young
women with young men. One exception is a study that reported an average
disclosure age of 17.2 years among support group youths,j more than a year
younger than the young women I interviewed (18.5 years). The latter timing
corresponds to freshman year Thanksgiving Break for those in college. The
range is from 15 to 25 years, although some of the older youths have not
yet disclosed and have no plans to do so.
Similar to the research of others, none of the young women disclosed
to their father before anyone else. Father as an object of first disclosure has
varied from 0% to 3% in other ~ t u d i e sSeldom,
.~ but occasionally, daughters
disclose to their father before they disclose to their mother-four young
women in the present sample did so. Eight young women disclosed to both
parents at the same time.
Direct Disclosure
The majority of daughters who come out do so directly, if they can

find an appropriate context in which to have a private conversation with
their father. This is not always easy. She often has to corral her father while
he is watching television or in a car, or otherwise attempt to manipulate
the situation such that he is a captive audience.
V So when he picked me up at the end of my first semester and we were
driving home I told him. Mom wasn’t there, which was important
because I wanted just us, and we are almost never alone. I had this all
planned out and even told Mom not to come because I wanted some
time alone with Dad. Of course she knew why and warned me to be
careful, but I knew he could not get away or ignore me in the car. That
was important because that defines our relationship-he ignores me
and my issues.
The daughter might also exert control by assembling a family meeting.
V I told Mom and Dad together, 10 days after I came out to myself. I was
so happy with my discovery that I wanted to share it. I had been

questioning my sexuality and had been miserable, depressed, hated
school, and they were worried about me. They sent me to a psychiatrist
to help me feel better, but I couldn’t tell him or my parents. I just
wanted them not to worry anymore. I was 18 at the time, and they
were surprised. I thought they knew, like I thought I had given so many
clues, but they hadn’t picked up any.
One daughter intended to tell both parents together, but her plan was
foiled when at the last minute her father decided to turn in for the night.
She told him later, “in passing, n o big deal. That’s how we are as a family.”
Another youth knew she had to tell her parents together, because if she
did not, “he’d know within two to three seconds because Mom would tell
him. No secrets in our family!”
Indirect Disclosure
W h e n a daughter does not disclose directly to her father, 40% of the

time it is because her mother beat her to it. This does not always please
the young woman.
V She wanted me to tell him, and so the next day I did. But she had
already told him. I told her not to tell him, but she did anyway. I
wanted to tell him. I was really furious with her.
Even if the youth‘s mother does not tell her husband, the disclosure
situation is as likely to be instigated by the mother as by the daughter.
T h e mother might arrange a “family meeting” in which the information is
divulged by the daughter or drawn out by the mother. It is almost as if the
father is a bystander. W h e n one daughter was 16 years old, her mother
pulled her aside while she was washing dishes and said, “ ‘We need to talk
to you about something.’ Dad was watching TV. ‘We think you’re having
problems with your sexuality. Do you want to share it with us?’ Dad was
not getting involved in this, but h e was hearing.”
Although daughters usually disclose to their father through direct
means, many prefer to avoid the awkward or unpleasant situation and are
thus perfectly satisfied to hand off responsibility to their mother-who
indeed is likely to share the information with her husband. Daughters can,
however, count on one thing-fathers almost never ask directly about the
nature of their daughter’s sexual attractions.
In indirect situations, a youth seldom knows how her father reacted
because she was not present at the disclosing moment-although she may
receive reports from her mother about his reactions. Alternatively, the father
discovers the news on his own and acts as if h e knows, even though the
daughter never had the “real” conversation with him.

V I never actually sat down to tell him, like in a direct way. I don’t feel
comfortable talking about my sexuality with him. Never said the words
like you’re supposed to. It would like have been awkward for both of us.
Whether the manner in which disclosure takes place reflects the nature of
the mother-father or the daughter-father relationship is not always clear
from the narratives.
FATHERS INITIAL REACTIONS
When reading the research literature, it is often difficult to disentangle

reports of a father’s initial from his current reactions. Empirical investigations
frequently ask, “How has each of the following persons reacted to your
disclosure?” Unclear, however, is whether youths are reporting the current
state of parent-youth relations or how their parents initially reacted to the
news. In one study, by a 2-to-1 margin, fathers were perceived to be more
accepting than rejecting.’ Fathers most frequently reacted in another study
(sex of child unspecified) with shock, shame, and acknowledgment and
rarely with rejection or anger.6
Once Peggy “confessed”her same-sex attractions, her father completely
accepted her. This is in marked contrast to Nan’s father, who first screamed
at her and then asserted that she had either been molested by an older
woman or converted through the many women’s studies courses she has
been attending. Because this range of reactions characterizes fathers, any
generalizations about the content and emotional tone of their initial reac-
tions must be suspect.
Expected Versus Actual Reactions
One stereotype is that fathers react in a very negative way, and this
expectation prevents daughters from disclosing. However, as noted earlier,
young women do not disclose to their father not because they expect him
to be negative, but because they are not close to him. Indeed, youths who
have not disclosed expect a reaction midway between “neutral” and “slightly
” ~ is nearly identical to the reaction actually received by young
n e g a t i ~ e . This
women who have come out to their father. Similar to the mother’s initial
reaction, daughters recount that the most common response from their
father was “slightly positive” (1 in 3), followed by “slightly negative” (1 in
4), and then “neutral” (1 in 7). One in 15 was either extremely positive
or negative.
Perhaps fathers most likely to react negatively to the disclosure are not
toid precisely because of this expected reaction. Countering this argument,
however, is evidence that those who have not come out to their father

report nearly the same level of negativity as that received from those who
have disclosed. As noted throughout this chapter, the most likely reason
daughters do not disclose to their father is because he is not a particularly
important person in their lives.
Despite less than ringing endorsements of their daughter’s sexuality,

some fathers respond positively, even with support, to having a daughter
with same-sex attractions. Peggy’s father should not be considered the excep-
tion. One father thought it was “no big deal” and readily approved the
woman his daughter was dating: “He’s gone out to dinner with me and my
girlfriend. They hit it right off.” In fact, some father-daughter dyads discover
that they share a common desire for women: “With him we can watch
movies and comment on the good-looking women. If Melissa Etheridge is
on TV he’ll call me. I like her music; he doesn’t, but we both like her
body.” Another father told his daughter that he was proud that she had
the courage and conviction “to follow your feelings. Whatever makes you
happy makes me happy.” Other fathers experience general parental concerns,
such as whether their daughter will be safe in a homophobic world.
V We’re pretty good friends. He travels a lot, so I don’t see him a lot.
Not as close to him as Mom. But we get along fabulously well. He’s
more politically conservative and very logical. He was not as much
concerned either way, which is normal for him. He’d say, “Okay, do
your own thing, whatever makes you happy.” He would not care. He
was most concerned for my safety because he knows what kind of world
is out there. But he would not judge me badly.
The relationship might actually improve following disclosure. In the

following father-daughter dyad, the historically awkward, emotionally va-
cant relationship did not bode well for a positive response to the information.
V Our time was always very awkward, as it is for many Chinese daughters
and their father. I visited him once with my girlfriend, and I had to
edit what I said and did, and this really bummed me out. How could I
look her in the face and say we had an honest relationship? I kept
putting it off, but I knew I had to.
I finally told him over the phone. He was fine, and this shocked me.
He knew about the genetics and that you can’t control it. His support
was strong, but I knew that he had problems because he is a very
traditional Chinese man. But he wants to be PC and modem, and it
is hard to get around this.
He was supportive, but this is a facet of my life, my sexuality, that
we don’t talk about. He is not happy with my being attracted to women,
and this comes out in different ways, like arguments over money. It is

still an issue with him and source of some friction. Now we talk more
and are getting close for the first time. Maybe he sees his chance to be
a parent, since my mom is not doing well with it. This is his chance,
maybe his last, to relate to me.
Neutral Initial Reactions
A significant number of fathers is neither positive nor negative in their

initial reactions because they frequently depend on their wife for appropriate
directives regarding how to react during family calamities. In her absence,
they are at a loss for how to react. Thus, they may provide little indication
to their daughter about how they actually feel about her same-sex attractions.
One father who simply took his wife’s lead to find out how he ought to
react perpetuated the weak ties in the father-daugher relationship. The
crisis, which severed family relationships for months, might have been
averted if he had sided with his daughter and tempered his wife’s outrageously
negative reactions to the disclosure.
V He is very submissive and passive to Mom. He’s afraid of her, so when
she yelled at me to “get into the fucking van,”he thought it was directed
at him, and he got in real quickly! He doesn’t stand up a lot to her or
anyone else. I want to share things with him, but he feels he has to be
equally accepting or rejecting as Mom. I can’t speak about it with him
because I don’t want to get him into trouble with her. If she were to
find out that he knows something she doesn’t then all hell breaks loose.
He can’t know anything. I’m mad at him for being so nelly in front
of her.
O n their own, fathers often demonstrate their uncertainty and, from

the perspective of their daughter, incompetence in reacting to their coming
out. One father said that it is not what he would “choose for her.” “He
only said this because he did not know what else to say, and this seemed
like a safe thing to say, like he had read it in a book that this was what
you were supposed to say.” Quite often this “will always love you” response
rings a little hollow for the daughter.
V Dad said he’d love me no matter what-but he said that just because
it’s what he thought he should say. He hugged me and said he loved
me. He was “not happy” with it and said I’d not be kicked out-probably
because then the family friends and his parents would know something
was wrong, and he’d have to tell them. But it shocked me to think that
he’d even consider kicking me out!
Another youth theorized that her father’s response appeared less than
sincere because, as the city’s attorney, he was more concerned with protect-
ing his reputation than entering the emotional life of his daughter. She

sarcastically reported, “He didn’t want to be embarrassed by public displays
of unconventionality, especially by members of his first family.” Now that
he is safely married to a more “respectable” woman than his daughter’s
mother, he wants to keep intact his reputation as a “family man with
family values.”
V He nodded along at first, blowing me off by saying trite kinds of crap.
This is what he’s been like most of my life, only this was worse. It had
some shock value on him, mixed in with other things I never expected
to hear from him-like we’re all born bisexual. I’ve never even heard
him say that word before! I t was his way of saying, “nothing special”
and “get over it.”
Then he said “make no public announcements about it” and “don’t
go marching in any parades.” I think he was afraid for his reputation
in this small town. He feared for his image and what my outing would
be like for his new family and children.
As noted earlier, in reality many young women do not know the first
reactions of their father because they are not present for the disclosure.
Their mother tells him and then sometimes reports his reactions. Or, the
father makes an opaque reference to knowing but does not reveal how he
feels at the time. Not infrequently, daughters assume one response from their
father and then later discover that he had reacted in a quite different manner.
V I’m 16 and we’re talking about it, and I asked him how he would deal
if he had a lesbian daughter, and he said he already knew he had one-
so I guess Mom told him. I told him I was going out with a girl, and
he said, “Yeah, okay, whatever makes you happy.” He said it didn’t
change anything, he still loves me, and they’d never kick me out. He
just did not want me to talk about it, wanted to avoid the whole topic.
I’ve never had real good communication with him, and I’ve found out
that e-mail is the best way to communicate with him. He can type his
emotions better than he can say them.
1 thought everything was basically okay, and then Mom tells me
that he was disappointed about it, feels it’s a rejection of their lives
and the way they live. He sees it as a choice because I could have been
with a man. I t is hard to know about him because he’s so nonexpressive.
He said this was not what he would choose for me, but he has not
mentioned it since. He doesn’t want me to tell anyone.
Fathers also respond as adversely as do their wives. Exemplary dyads

include the mother and father who attempted to “steal” their daughter from
her “lesbian-oriented” college to save her from herself, as well as the religious

parents whose daughter disclosed only after a “friend” threatened to tell
them. These disclosures ended utopian years for the adolescent girls. Unques-
tionably, the daughter in the second scenario reported the most negative
reaction from a father.
V I was a tomboy, and I’d attach onto Dad and watch him work and
become his little boy. I identified with him. Once I heard my parents
argue, and Dad said, “You know she’s a lesbian,” and Mom said, ‘‘I
know.” Not sure they were talking about me, but it shook me up. This
was when I was 14 and showing no signs of attractions to boys, as
opposed to my sisters, who were boy crazy. The defining moment came
when I was 15. I had been good friends with Jessica, and Dad took me
into the garage for one of his long boring talks. 1 zoned out until he
said, “You know, lesbians aren’t as happy as they look.”
After I told him his first reaction was, “I knew it! But I didn’t think
this soon.” I said, “Why didn’t you do anything to prevent i t ? You
should have stopped me.” I felt very guilty, on my own, no support or
help, that this was one of the worst things in my life. He was really
angry, so furious. He yelled at me, “What are you going to do about
it?” and he said I had to change if I ever wanted to be a part of the
family. He kicked me out, and I had to live with my grandmother.
Of course, a father’s response can also be the more reactive of the

pair. In the following narrative, although the young woman’s mother is not
particularly accepting of her daughter’s sexual status, she at least acknowl-
edges and supports her daughter’s sexuality.
V He was a lot worse because he’s more conservative. He’s a big Rush
Limbaugh fan, can you believe it? Newt Gingrich is his hero. It’s not
because he thinks it’s a sin because he’s an atheist, a scientist, and a
physicist, so he does not believe in sin. He has more problems with it
than he’d like to admit. He knows he should be liberal about it, being
an academic and a scientist, but he really isn’t. Dad had actually seen
something between me and my girlfriend that made him suspicious. He
told Mom to find out what was going on. I don’t think he like really
wanted to know.
I’m like him in temperament so initially we had serious, even violent,
arguments, and so we’ve learned to avoid controversial issues. He wanted
me to tell no one at his work or any of his relatives. We never talk
about it, so I don’t know what’s going on. He’s still half in denial. He
thinks I’ll marry a man, so he holds onto the bi thing.
Is the continuation of a father’s initial paternalistic behavior toward

his daughter’s same-sex attractions the last word on the subject?The essential
question is, does the disclosure improve their relationship? Does it mark
the onset of increasingly bad relations, or does it have minimal effects?

As noted in the mother-daughter chapter, the very limited research

literature suggests that parent-child relations generally improve after the
initial disclosure. Unfortunately, sex of parent and sex of child are seldom
separated. Thus, whether relations between father and daughter actually
recuperate, deteriorate, or remain the same is unknown. Data from the
present study convey a mixed outcome. Although father-daughter relation-
ships seldom worsen after disclosure, they also seldom improve, which is
quite distressing for young women who had hoped against great odds that
the net upshot of the risk they undertook to come out to their father would
be the establishment of a real relationship. However, few are that surprised,
primarily because they had so little real communication with their father
before disclosure that they have little reason to imagine a better situation.
This alone might be their last chance to connect with their father. The
vast majority would be disappointed.
Peggy’s father initially responded positively to the confirmation of his

suspicions that he had a “dyke daughter”-and during the intervening years
he has not wavered from that support. So too, Nan’s father has remained
steadfast in his negativity toward his daughter and her sexuality. Both
daughter-father relationships reflect the predominant pattern among such
dyads-relatively little movement in degree of support and acceptance
months and years after the disclosure. In the present study, 85% of the
young women report “no change” in the relationship they have with their
father after disclosure. Four relationships were enhanced after the initial
disclosure, and one declined.
Most typical are situations in which daughter-tells-dad-who-is-tolerant-
but-not-happy-and-they-avoid-the-topic- thereafter.
V I’m not sure of his support. We’ve had huge fights about it-he claiming
that I’m so selfish to be bi, that it is affecting the family financially,
making everyone angry. I don’t know how my bisexuality is costing
them money! Dad accepts me only because I’m his daughter, but what
does that mean? That he’d not accept me if I weren’t his daughter?
And what is his acceptance worth? He won’t let me bring a female
home. He calls me here at college and asks how things are going, real
generic. He can’t talk about it, so we don’t.
He said things like, “I support you.” “Life is too short.” “Hope you
find someone to love.” But there’s no follow-up, no sincerity. He tends
to hide his feelings anyway. He’s not much involved in my life, but

he’s never been before. He said things like, ‘‘I know you can handle
it.” “You’ll do just fine.” What does all that crap really mean? He doesn’t
bring it up, and won’t.
V I think he had sensed something was wrong because I was going out
with women so much. I wasn’t dating men, and he couldn’t figure out
why, not that we talked about such things. He also knew that I had
gone to a student group meeting of queers, but I officially came out to
him a year ago when he helped me move to graduate school. It opened
up a dialogue with him. He was sad because I was involved with a
woman. He’s in his late 60s, and I don’t expect him to understand. He
loves me, won’t kick me out, but is still uncomfortable with it. We
don’t talk about it, then or now.
I’m better off than most because I’m accepted, but no real change.
He fears that I won’t be accepted, and that is very important to him.
He came to see me recently, and he’ll say nothing although I’m there
with all my lesbian books and posters. Or, when I try to talk to him
he’ll say we’ll talk another time.
Several young women believe that their father could have progressed
toward greater understanding and eventual acceptance save for one factor-
this shift would negatively impact the tentative relationship h e has with
his wife. T h a t is, several fathers sacrifice the relationship they have with
their daughter in order t o “keep peace in the family.’’ Their daughters
understand, but do not like it.
V After I left the letter and the book for Dad he tried to talk to me, but
he is such a sweet man, and he just doesn’t get it. He never tried to
talk me out of it, but he does wish I not be gay because it upsets Mother.
He believes it is a choice, and he doesn’t understand why I would ever
chose it. But he is not allowed to respond when Mother is present. He
can’t support me if she disagrees with me.
I’ll give you an example. Dad was fine with my girlfriend being over
but that was because Mother wasn’t here. I thought he was coming
around last year. I was dating a Roman Catholic guy, and both thought
I should not be dating someone who was not Jewish. We had this huge
fight. I was shaking with anger at what my parents were saying. My dad
then says, “We rather you dated a Jewish girl than a non-Jewish man.”
I thought that was a really big step forward, but once Mother gave him
“that look” he quickly had to take it back.
I used to hate him because Mother told me he was an evil man, but
then I began to see him in a new way, as totally under Mother’s thumb.
He is getting better, but our relationship is not wonderful. He still
doesn’t understand a lot, especially about my life, and he is always afraid
of Mother. Like he can’t know something officially without telling her
or else he’ll get in trouble. So he’ll “know” about my girlfriend, but we
won’t talk about it.

Another example of a stifled relationship-this a negative one that
stayed bad-is the rather dramatic story of a young woman whose father
threatened her with expulsion from the family when she was 17 unless she
altered her sexual orientation.
V Dad never changed. He yelled at me for 2 years and kicked me out
when I went to his mother’s house to live to go to college. He told me
he never wanted to speak to me again, and this was a relief because it
meant no screaming.
The next 2 years we didn’t see each other except at family functions.
No speaking, no communication. As if we didn’t know each other. I
could tell Mom was upset by this. She had to agree with Dad, but she
didn’t like his intensity or him pushing me away.
Two years ago I started working on the relationship. We had lunch,
and I discovered that I had not forgiven him and I wanted to patch it
up. Like taking a live-and-let-live approach. This Christmas Jessica and
I went back, and he was very irate. He felt she was replacing him in
the family. He just screamed, and we vowed never to see each other
again. There’s been no contact, and I think this time it is permanent.
He blames me for their divorce, but I know there were other problems
before me.
Several narratives reflect more optimistic outcomes-the possibility

that over time fathers change for the better, however gradually. Frequently
this process underscores the reality that the daughter’s sexuality is not the
true issue with which the father is confronting. Entangled and conflated
with other unrelated problems at the fore of her father’s life, one daughter’s
sexuality became a misguided focus of their problematic relationship.
V I told him I was in love with a woman, and he thought it was because
of the divorce, which he blames on everything in order to blame my
mother for his unhappiness.
He had not brought it up since then, so I checked in with him
several months later and told him that 1 was going to a gay bar in order
to be honest with him and to have a conversation. He then asks me
how gay am I, which was a start.
We’ve lost touch with each other lately, and I feel it is because of
this. He used to call me twice a week and then it became twice in 2
months. He said he was just busy. I don’t have the energy to confront
him. A month ago he asked about my life and we talked some-more
progress. This was when I started going with someone, and he started
to take me more seriously. When I said this he was silent for 2 minutes,
and I was not about to break it. He said it was such a burden and why

bring it on myself. I told him I’m okay and happy. I can’t talk to him
a lot about this, like all other issues between us. He connected with
me because he knows what it’s like to be in love with someone who is
not in love with you.
Someday I’d like to talk with him much more. I told him eventually
we’ll talk, and he said that he won’t let me down. He then admitted
that he was so out of touch with me. He’ll be okay with it eventually.
He views everything as related to the divorce-like how I viewed him
while growing up. He’ll ask my sisters if they really think I’m gay, and
my oldest says, “Yes, duh!” His sense of being a worthwhile man was
challenged by the divorce. It was a surprise to all, though later we found
out he was depressed, and they’d been in counseling.
Young women all too often dismiss the possibility of change. Some
fathers adapt, perhaps because they perceive they have no other choice if
they are to maintain their status as father. Despite great discomfort with
the “family secret” that he prefers not to face, the following father eventually
came to the realization that his daughter is too important to lose.
V Mom was the one who knew everything about me, although I was
considered “Daddy’s little giri.” He was shocked and upset; it was foreign
to him. He was upset that I had not come to him to tell him.
We didn’t talk about it at first because he hates talking about emo-
tional issues. He is a more even-handed, organized guy. Since, he’s done
research on the topic and reads. He talked to my therapist, and this
was helpful to calm him down. He never reacts explosively but avoids
conflicts at all costs, but he was very upset. He thinks it’s disgusting,
but he still can’t deal directly with it, so he asks me while he was
watching TV, “So I hear you’re a lesbian,” in an off-handed joking way.
I told him this was no way to talk about it.
For him I’m still his daughter, and he still loves me and won’t cut
me off. He’s more cool about it now, and we can talk about gay issues.
It’s not yet “okay,” but he can hear the words, and I can talk about my
girlfriends. He was the one who encouraged Mom to go to the Pride
March. He is quiet about it and is still weirded out about the public
thing. His brother gets manicures, is very effeminate, married four times
with no chiidren, but I can never talk to my dad about it because i t
would offend him. I don’t think he’s dealt with having a gay brother.
The majority of relationships between daughters and their father re-
main the same over time-deviating little from their original negative,
positive, or distant trajectory. One daughter reflected that her father asked
few questions about her current romantic relationship, then offered the
resigned recognition, “Well, I guess he asks about her the same amount as
he did about my other romantic relationships with guys, which wasn’t
much really.”

WHEN FATHERS HAVE SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS
Four daughters believe that they were almost guaranteed a positive

reaction from their father because of his same-sex attractions. Among these
daughters, two fathers appeared surprised but pleased, and one had very
mixed reactions; one daughter is not out to her sexual-minority father. One
young woman’s father came out to his wife 8 years earlier.
V He had no clue. He said he loved me, but we didn’t talk much. He
was extremely happy that I had gone through the psychological turmoil
and was now happy and secure in my identity. I had no clue about him.
I later found out that my parents had struggled with his gayness, and
he even went to conversion therapy for awhile. They decided to stay
together, and he had no male lovers while they were together. But he
was so depressed because of it and not being able to change and on
every kind of medication you can think of. He needed to be a gay man.
So he understood about me, although I think it was easier for me than
for him.
However, having a sexual-minority father does not guarantee solely

positive reactions. One youth did not receive the expected positive reaction
from her father because of his fears that he caused her lesbianism.
V He came out to me a week before I did to him. His coming out told
me he’d be good about me, but I was wrong. They were ’70s progressives,
so I had high expectations of both.
So the next week after an &hour conversation I told him, “I’m
dating a woman now.” Well I lost all respect for him because he advised
me to act straight around straights and gay only around gays. I try to
be myself all the time, but he does not want me to get hurt. He stills
juvenilizes me and thinks I’m 15.
Maybe because my father was bisexual I expected him to be better
than my mother, but he was more upset, upset that maybe I did it
because he had come out to me, which is absurd and an insult. I didn’t
do it earlier because I thought he might freak out, so now I thought
he wouldn’t. I could just as easily blame his mother, who I wonder about
because she is so independent and masculine, but in that generation no
one said anything about it. I don’t like to answer the question of why
or whether it’s his fault. It’s not important, and I can’t tell you in any
case. I grew up in a gender nonbiased environment, and so I didn’t
have any rules on how I had to act. For him to think it’s his fault is
just crazy.
A young woman who is not out to her sexual-minority father experi-

enced one of the most unusual circumstances among the interviewed partici-
pants. Her father is a male-to-female transsexual who divorced the daughter’s
mother to legally marry a man, a man who does not know about his “wife’s)’

former life or that “she” has a daughter. In addition, the daughter believes
that her mother is a lesbian; she is fairly certain her uncle is a cross-dressing
married-to-a-woman gay man and that she has an unknown number of first
cousins who are lesbian or gay. “I had no choice in being a lesbian!” She
i s not sure what her father thinks of her sexual status because following his
sex operation he severed all ties with her. Although he is not an important
person in her life, she believes that if he knew he would likely be supportive.
Her coming-of-age as a sexual minority was relatively easy because, “He
raised me to be open minded and never said anything negative about gays
and lesbians, but I don’t know if he’d blame himself.”
A FINAL WORD
Similar to their heterosexual sisters,’ many young women with same-

sex attractions have poor to nonexistent relations with their father, often
characterized by lack of mutual knowledge and by emotional emptiness.
More than sons, daughters are disappointed with the “emotional unexpres-
siveness” of fathers9-especially given their momentous decision to come
out to him. Young women often want more from their father but despair
of ever receiving the closeness they desire. Thus, they seldom confide in
him-and he almost never spontaneously queries about their failure to date
boys or their “special” friends-and not infrequently they let his wife tell
him the news.
Daughters choose not to come out to their father because he is not
central to their life or they have not gotten around to it yet. One father-
daughter dyad shared many things, including knowledge about her same-
sex attractions; however, discussion about her emotional, intimate life was
not one of them.
V The other day Dad asked me why I wasn’t wearing dresses, yet he raised
me “never to depend on a man.” I like power tools, carpentry, mechanics,
and doing things with him. People always said I was the spittin’ image
of him. I worked with him while my brother stayed in the house and
did artwork with Mom. He’s not gay, however.
His work has him working a lot with gay people, but that is work
and this is family. If I told him tomorrow he would not believe it or
say why am I doing this to him. I think he would blame himself for
spending so much time with me. Once Dad asked me when I was in
the ninth grade if 1 was gay, and 1 said no-I just wasn’t ready then.
But clearly he has his suspicions. He seemed very glad I said no, but I
still thinks he really knows.
Even when the relationship is positive and long-standing, fathers often

choose to avoid the obvious-that their daughter is not the same as other
D A U G H T E R S A N D FATHERS 131
girls. If she chooses to come out to him, she does so because the time
is right. This knowledge might lead, at best, to sporadic discussion-a
continuation of the relationship that existed prior to the disclosure.
After learning about her same-sex attractions, a father’s initial reactions
are not usually horrified but oriented toward the positive or neutral; when
negative, they are usually milder than his wife’s response. One daughter
reported, “He’s okay with it I guess, and if not, then he wouldn’t tell me.
Same reactions to me now as he’s always had. He does not bring it up.”
She admitted that she had adjusted to not having a “story-book father.”
“We speak only occasionally, so his opinion is not that important to me.
We are so alienated it could have been done at a bus stop when I told him,
and I would have gotten the same response.” His primary concern is that
his daughter’s sexuality not embarrass him in front of his family or work
colleagues.
Of course, not all fathers are so callous. Similar to all parent-child
dyads, father-daughter couplings vary considerably regarding whether and
how daughters disclose to their fathers and their reasons for telling and not
telling. Fathers react with support and expulsion; most appear to react with
little affect. Some dyads improve over time, but most remain as they were
initially, whether with positive, neutral, or negative regard. Again, however,
this is not always the case.
One young woman followed a unique pathway in coming out to her
father. She did her homework, asking her grandmother how she thought
her son would react to having a bisexual daughter. The outcome, not initially
positive, strengthened their relationship.
V I thought that since he was associated with Broadway he would be real
cool. But my grandmother told me he had a hard time dealing with
the gay community and had lost out on some commissions because he’s
not gay. Plus some think he has AIDS. So she said, “Not good.”
This seemed confirmed when he made some homophobic comments
about how lucky he was not having a gay child after I read him a coming-
out story in the newspaper. After I came out to him, he apologized for
this when I reminded him about it. He basically said, “Gee, okay. As
long as you’re happy.”
Since then Dad has been more willing to talk. He is willing to discuss
lots of things, and I really enjoy this. He’s got all these great Broadway
stories about who is gay and not gay.
In the sequence of developmental milestones, many daughters disclose
to their fathers as their last transition from a heterosexual identity-after
developing a romantic relationship and a positive sense of self as lesbian,
bisexual, unlabeled, or questioning. This should not imply, however, that
fathers are always unimportant to their daughters. One study found that if
father and daughter have a satisfying relationship with each other, then she
132 M O M , DAD. I’M GAY.

is likely to be out to him. Feeling acceptance from her father predicted a
young woman’s self-esteem level only if she also reported that he is important
for her sense of self-worth.” The challenge is how to encourage these close,
intimate father-daughter relationships.
ENDNOTES
’ Page 133 in Bell, A. P., Weinberg, M. S., & Hammersmith, S. K. (1981).

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attraction: Understanding bisexuality. New York: Oxford University Press.
DAugelli, A. R. (1998, February). Victimisation history and mental health
among lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths. Paper presented at the Society for Research
on Adolescence, San Diego, CA.
3.6 on a 1 (very positive) to 7 (very negative) point scale.
Larson, R., & Richards, M. (1994). Divergent realities: The emotional lives of
mothers, fathers, and adokscents. New York: Basic Books.
Youniss, J., & Ketterlinus, L. (1987). Communication and connectedness
in mother-- and father-adolescent relationships. Journal of Youth and Adolescence,
16, 265-292.
lo Savin-Williams, R. C. (1990). Gay and lesbian youth: Expressions of identity.

SONS AND MOTHERS
Paul
The first time I can recall the subject coming up was talking to my
mom and my sister at the kitchen table about something, about not
understanding homosexual stuff. So my mom was explaining what it
meant, and I remember saying “oh” and “yuck,” and my mom defended
homosexuality. She said we were both just being silly. I don’t really
remember how the whole topic came up, but I know this was just before
junior high. Shortly after this for some reason she asked if I was gay
and, mortified, I quickly yelled, “NO!”
About a year later, when I was 12, I told my mom, “I think I might
be gay,” and she asked me, “How can you tell?” She was the first that
I told about these feelings-but she just seemed to dismiss it as something
normal for boys coming into the physical changes of life. I had had sex
with several of my friends, and I knew that I liked it, wanted more,
and wondered what it all meant. Well, a year later my mom found my
gay porn magazines, but she didn’t say anything at all about it. It really
got me mad that she was going through my stuff. My lesbian aunt also
suspected it as well, but no one ever said anything. We have a very
open family, so there’s n o sense that anyone would ever confront me
about it. If she would say, “When you are ready to talk about it,” then
I would talk about it. My mom would love me n o matter what, and
everything I did would be certainly forgivable because she loves me for
who I am and not what she wants me to be. I guess actually I just didn’t
know how to bring up the subject, the magazines. She, I guess found
them accidentally, but I also played with Barbie dolls when I was young,
and my parents bought them for me. They thought maybe this was a
little bit odd, but they certainly never tried to stop it. They saw I had
lots of friends, was polite and bright. They noticed I didn’t like sports,
but that was okay, and they noticed that I was rather flamboyant and
that I took piano lessons. All of this, of course, was okay with them.
So 1 told my mom I was “very likely gay,” and about a month later
I thought I was gay, and she was very supportive. She asked me if I
wanted to talk to someone about it, not to get me to change, but just
to feel more comfortable with it. I did speak to a psychiatrist who was
a real moron, and he gave me even more reason to sort of stay in the
135
closet because he said I couldn’t be sure about it until I was 21. So
after h e said that, well, otherwise I would have come out probably very
much more publicly by the age of 15.
Finally, I said to my mom that I knew absolutely sure I was gay 2
years ago at age 15. So I knew it’d be okay to tell her. She at first was
upset because of the difficult life I’d have; she’s really into her kids, but
homosexuality doesn’t particularly bother her. Whether or not I’m
married isn’t all that important, but the fact that I would not be having
kids and having AIDS and people hating me, that’s what she was most
upset by. A few days later my mom was much better about it. My mom
said then that she thought that perhaps I might be gay because I was
just way too sensitive and flamboyant in my mannerisms. O n e of my
problems is that I’ve always felt that coming out as gay would definitely
affect my mom in a very negative way, her job and status in our town,
where everyone knows everyone else.
But I also think that my mom really did not believe or maybe
entertained some hope that I’m not gay because she saw me dating
girls. We just really don’t speak of it these days; she knows of my gay
friends, including my relationship with my boyfriend, but once again,
she just doesn’t deal with it. I think she jusc calls us best friends. So
last weekend we talked about it again, and she was much better able
to deal with it.
I am very close to my mom, really close, and maybe that’s it, or
maybe that is a consequence of me being gay-that I’m close to her
because we like the same kinds of things, like decorating. I think it’s
probably both genetic and environment. I was raised by a close mom
and a distant father. In first grade I picked every flower in the yard and
decorated my room with flowers, and my mom was a little bit upset by
that but thought I did a good job.
Nick
Well she knew when I was 14. She found out because my friend wrote
this very explicit letter to me telling me how big he is and how much
he wanted me and what he’d do to me-because he had a really big
crush on me, and she found the letter and figured it all out. I guess it
really wasn’t that hard! She really flipped out; she really went like really
crazy. She blamed it on “those guys”-which ones I’ve never figured
out and one of these days I’m going to ask-and she kept saying, “Oh
my, what did I do wrong?” and saying that I’d better grow out of it.
She wouldn’t talk to me, not a word and just look the other way when
I came near her for a couple of weeks.
I then began throwing comments here and there a couple of years
later, but I decided I didn’t want to tell her any more because I feared
that she would cut me o u t and not let me come to Albany. But I was
really hinting over Christmas break, and I sort of planted the idea. She
would ask, “How are the women at Albany?” She would say, “Why
don’t you date girls?” and I’d say because I was too busy. Little did she
I36 M O M ,DAD.I’M GAY.

know I was too busy dating guys! It’s like she totally forgot about
the letter.
One night I was really giving her attitude, and I was very quiet. She
came into my room because she was concerned with what was wrong
with me because I wasn’t talking with anyone, and I seemed very
depressed. 1 told her at that time that the reason why was because I
was gay. She acted in the typical way, really freaking out. She said,
“How can you do this to me? How can you do this to us! How can I
deal with it with my friends?” She thought I was just confused, the
result of being at Albany, and that everything could be fixed up. She
said to me, and I quote her here, “I’m not going to pay for a faggot to
go to Albany.”
So this whole thing lasted 4 or 5 hours. Finally she tried to get me
to go see a therapist to get me changed. I agreed that I would go to
her counselor, but only if in fact she would go as well for help. So we
went 2 days later. During this time we just never talked about the issue,
even though I wouldn’t let it die because I kept bringing it up and kept
mentioning gay issues. She didn’t like this, but she knew she had
no choice.
Well, we went to the therapist, and the therapist was a real cool
guy, and he was totally on my side. I told him what I felt, and then he
said that what I felt was valid. She was rather shocked. He then turned
to her and said that she was the one who needed to deal with it and
that this was not a phase, that this was not a choice, and that things
would only get better after she learned how to deal with it and that at
that point things would be able to be worked out. Well, we went home,
and she was in shock but from then on out she treated me much better,
and since that time she has begun to deal with it. I’ll know a lot more
when I go home next time.
I guess now she accepts it, though she’s not real supportive except
in her own way, like buying me condoms. She’d rather just sort of keep
everything quiet and not talk about it. We’ve got a really big family
with scores of cousins, aunts, and all, and she doesn’t want them to know.
Walt
I haven’t told anyone in my family yet, in large part because my educa-
tion is not yet paid for, and I don’t know how they would react. When
I was very young, my mother went through this very fundamentalist
Christian phase, and she let it be known that homosexuality was a very,
very bad thing. Somehow I felt that it was connected to me, that it
made sense. My mother said that gay people ran around in dresses, and
they loved each other like mommy and daddy did and that they would all
go to Hell. I thought to myself, “Well, I like to wear dresses, so maybe?”
h4y mother always blames herself for not being a good enough mother.
She always says that it’s her fault that I’m not more mature or that I’m
not more well planned. She also blames herself for letting me play with
Aarbie dolls when I was young and for letting me play with cousins
SONS AND MOTHERS I37

who dressed me up like a girl. Maybe she would think that she should
have allowed me to play more with boys in the neighborhood. It’s just
that I wouldn’t feel comfortable when I visited them if I knew that she
knew. It would just complicate my life, and there’s just too much else to
do. But I always have this feeling that my mother must eventually know.
My mother would not react positively. When I was about a sopho-
more in my high school my mother and I were watching 60 Minutes,
and this episode on homosexuality came up, and she went on and on
about how she didn’t agree with it, about the lifestyle and what it was
all about, but that she didn’t feel like she could pass judgment. It felt
like she was just talking directly to me. I didn’t say anything except
just to nod agreement or that I was listening to her. My mother essen-
tially raised me and my sister, so whatever we are she feels responsible
for and my father would chastise her if he found out that I was gay. When
I was in my junior year of my high school I overheard a conversation that
my grandfather had with my mother and he told her, apparently, to be
careful about me going to prep school because I might turn out badly.
With a shaky voice she shouted, “Are you saying that he’s gay?”They
haven’t talked since.
Since then I’ve dropped hints, and I can’t decide when I want to
tell. My mother has constantly made comments that she knows. One
major time was when we were watching at home the movie Four Wed-
dings and a Funeral, and I just said offhandedly, “Wow! Look at Hugh
Grant’s ass!” My mother looked at me rather strangely and sadly, and
I quickly changed the subject.
She has to know! As a child I’ve played with Barbie dolls, Strawberry
Shortcake, a lot of dressing up. Everything feminine was me, because
after all I did have four sisters. Mother was a pacifist, and so she didn’t
allow guns or anything masculine like that in the house, but I did have
my Matchbox cars that I played with. As an adolescent I was into
drama, I really got into it, directing and choreographing. Lord, Mother
many times said that I was “doing that voice,” which was a very feminine
high voice that she hates. She says that I do this even today. She was
so concerned because of my fascination with the fact that I kept crossing
my arms, and my mother said, “Only girls do that!”
t Slightly more is known about the mother-son relationship than other

parent-child pairings discussed in this book, largely because more research
is conducted with sexual-minority males than females and because mothers
are more likely than fathers to volunteer for research studies. Many gay and
bisexual young men perceive that they have a unique relationship with
their mother, and thus her reaction to their sexual identity is considered
by most sons to be a critical component of how their life has gone or will
go. If he is out to only one parent, it is nearly certain that the parent is a
mother. As will be apparent in this chapter, the reactions of mothers are

often more animated than those of fathers. For many young men, to be
“out” to their mother is truly to be OUT.
Psychoanalytic writers are fond of portraying the mother-gay son rela-

tionship as one of enmeshment, overdependency, and seduction, implying
that this causes homosexuality in the youth. Most analytically oriented
studies lent support to this characterization. A large-scale empirical study
during the late 1960s confirmed this depiction but found no evidence that
it was instrumental in causing a nonheterosexual orientation. Researchers
Alan Bell, Martin Weinberg, and Sue Hammersmith reported that homosex-
ual adult men were more likely than their heterosexual counterparts to
report feeling particularly close and communicative with their mother while
growing up. Although mothers might have been somewhat overprotective
of their son, they were not perceived to be seductive. Many men described
their mother as a strong individual who was responsible for most child-rearing
decisions. No evidence was found to support the view that homosexual sons
were more likely than heterosexual ones to identify with their mother.’
By contrast, contemporary empirical studies have generally ignored
the dynamics of the mother-gay son relationship prior to adolescence,
thus providing no viable alternative to psychoanalytic theory to help us
understand this very important relationship. Data from the interviews in-
cluded in this book indicate, despite some variability, that the vast majority
of gay and bisexual sons indeed had an emotional, intimate relationship
with their mother while growing up; psychoanalysts might call this enrnesh-
ment. For example, Paul noted that his mother is “really into her kids” and
that “my mom would love me no matter what.” Although the relationship
Nick has with his mother is less obviously positive, ultimately it is supportive.
Notwithstanding her threats to limit his educational plans and her name-
calling (“faggot”), when Nick was despondent, she came to his aid. So, too,
Walt and his mother share an intimacy that is not apparent in his relationship
with his father.
When discussing their mother, sons repeatedly raise two issues. One,
both mother and son frequently “blame” the son’s same-sex attractions on
the intensity and closeness of their relationship. This reflects the degree to
which empirically unsubstantiated psychoanalytic theory has permeated
Western culture and molded the values and beliefs of family members.2
Two, mothers have “known” for a long time that their son is gay-because
of his sex-atypical mannerisms and interests. These two themes cut across
SONS AND MOTHERS 139

the nature of the mother-son relationship developed during the youth‘s
childhood.
Although the nature of the mother-son relationship before disclosure

varies, as do all such relationships, the vast majority is characterized by sons
as warm, caring, and intimate. The mother’s knowledge of her son is usually
so complete that relatively few are totally surprised by his nonheterosexuality.
Mothers often “suspect”based on stereotypic notions that feminine behavior
in boys equals homosexuality or on “mother’s intuition.” Some feign shock,
but it is apparent to their sons that they knew but did not want to know.
One son declared, “We’ve been so close during the last decade, how could
she not help but know! She knows me so thoroughly!” Another youth
reflected on the quality of the relationship he has with his mother.
V She thought she had the perfect mother-son relationship. Maybe I was
just a little too withdrawn, obsessed with soap operas, and I couldn’t
distinguish between reality and my imagination. This meant that we
got along great because she was the same way. We were always a team,
and this bothered the rest of the family. When she missed The Young
and the Restless, [TV soap opera] 1 filled her in; when she was bored
with housework, we did creative artsy stuff together. I never caused
fights like Robert [brother]. I was the perfect child, so of course she’d
liked me best.
So, too, Paul’s mother thought her son was overly sensitive and “flam-
boyant,” but rather than punish or discourage his behavior, she accepted
it. Mothers are usually tolerant because they benefit from their son’s unmas-
culine ways.
V She let me play with dolls and hair styling very early on. I liked to
cross-dress. Looking back now at pictures of me, I can’t believe she
didn’t figure it out because I was really into dolls and feminine kinds
of things. It seems to me that she encouraged me in this. She never
said I had to go out and play with the neighborhood boys or really go
heavily into sports. Like I’d do her make-up and tell her how to dress.
She asked me to come along when she picked out wallpaper color or
things like that. Very stereotypic things. I always had to be different,
always bringing something different, not boring, into the family when
I was young.
Some mothers have little intent or desire to change the feminine
behavior of their sons-even if they could-because of their political ideol-
ogy. Not uncommonly, they have gay friends and have been exposed to
sexual-minority issues.

V She frequently had over her lesbian friends when I was small, and it
seemed that homosexuality was in the air from the first. Actually in
church there were these two men, very friendly men, sort of older that
everybody really loved, and they taught Sunday school classes. So one
day I asked if these two guys were married, and my mother said that
they were gay.
W h e n I was small I liked playing with dolls, and at first she said
“guys don’t do that,” but it was clear her heart wasn’t into it. Like she
did not get angry with me about it.
Mothers may take this closeness to heart and blame themselves and
the relationship they have with their son for causing him to be gay. This
is the first theme noted earlier: At some point in the son’s childhood, mother
and son entertain the possibility, consistent with traditional psychoanalytic
notions of enmeshment and overdependency, that binding mothers are the
cause of male homosexuality. Their close relationship has made the youth
unmasculine and gay. The following narrative is a classic psychoanalytic
wet dream.
V I was tracked into it [being gay] because she protected me so much that
the masculine side of me never really developed or the side that was
not aggressive or “all American” or just like all of the other guys. Maybe
she protected me because I was so hyperactive, or she felt like she had
to do something and that something was to protect me too much. 1
had a physically absent father, and I was raised by a mother that was
repulsed by male hierarchy and power. All my role models were female-
teachers, mother, grandmother, older sisters.
She also always seemed sort of jealous whenever I went out with
girls, and she always seemed to sabotage my dating. She told me they
were only after one thing-to get me married. She wanted me to do
music, dance, and gymnastics, and she signed me up for drama, and
this undermined my masculinity, like I would always be her little cute,
darling boy. She let me dress in heels and dresses and carry purses, and
this really pissed off my father.
So then she would say I wasn’t manly enough for any girl, and I
think she blamed herself because she sort of henpecked me. She said
I didn’t stand up straight, that I slumped. I also sucked my fingers and,
of course, there was the whole issue of bedwetting that I did off and
on until junior high. She cleaned the sheets and said how much work
I caused her.
“Blaming mother” was also Paul’s initial take on why he is gay, but
he also entertains the possibility that they are close because he is gay. After
all, they both like decorating. Another youth considered several possible
causes of his homosexuality, including the consequences of having six over-
involved women in his life: a mother, a grandmother, and four sisters.

V I used to think I was gay because I was only around women. I never
really had a strong father. Now, however, I discount that theory. I think
maybe it’s totally genetic. I know I would eventually have come out,
that I would have identified myself as gay. Maybe it was just because I
felt at ease around girls, maybe it had something to do with that, but
not so much that it caused me to be gay, just feeling good about being
gay. I think my upbringing may have had a little bit to do with me
being gay, but all of my gay feelings are very natural.
Some mothers, however, are not appreciative of the sex-atypical behav-

ior of their child. It causes conflict in their relationship, but they feel
relatively powerless to change it. When her son was an early adolescent,
one mother wanted to halt his “childish” ways.
V Mom expressed her concern about me not doing things that typical
boys did when I was young. I remember her making contemptuous
comments about my mannerisms, the way I sat with my legs crossed,
the way I talked, and the toys I played with. She even tried to correct
me by telling me to hold my wrist more firm and enrolled me in speech
therapy, with a really handsome guy. I would have played with dolls,
but it was not a possibility because she would not buy me any. She
thought I was a little “femmy” and told this to her friends.
In junior high she worried because I was too sensitive and had no
real positive male role models. Like I was always trying to make myself
prettier and look androgynous. I wore make-up, especially eyeliner, tight
leather pants that gave shape to my new developments, and blouses. I
did this because I liked it. Like I remember one time she really got
upset because I dressed up like a woman, and I was really proud of how
good I looked. She wanted me to be outside more with other kids and
to be more active. I really didn’t care, and I really did nothing at all
about it.
Mothers in some ethnic-minority homes also share these concerns. In

sex-segregated cultures, it is particularly noteworthy when a male does not
pursue a traditional masculine pathway. One youth noted that his mother
constantly chastised him because he did not display traditional behavior
expected of Puerto Rican males.
V This is as early as kindergarten when I told my mother boys were cure,
and she wasn’t very happy with that. Well my mother always said I
had “an attitude.” Like I would say, “Oh, please,” or I would give a
motion with my hands. She called this pouffy, too effeminate. My
mother would tell me to calm down, don’t laugh the way 1 laugh, close
your hands, don’t move your hips. Then she’d do everything she told
me not to do.

Exasperated because she could do little to change his behavior, she gave
up and placed him in dancing classes. If he was going to act feminine then
he might as well find an “acceptable” outlet.
Whether mothers liked them or not, they nearly always recognize the
sex-atypical interests and mannerisms of their son. Both frequently believe
that they have meaning for his sexuality-at least once he has come out
to her. Most mothers, however, do not allow these characteristics to interfere
with the close, intimate relationship they have with their son. They usually
express considerably less concern than their husband about their son’s femi-
ninity and lack of masculinity, often concluding that this relationship is
easier to “manage” than the ones they have with their masculine sons. Of
course, the son’s failure to be more masculine can also cause conflict, as is
evident in several of the narratives in this section.
Glaringly apparent from the young men’s narratives is that no youth
described his relationship with his mother as distant or noninvolved. Sons
usually and eventually assume that this intimacy means primarily one
thing-to be out they must come out to their mother. Youths seldom decide
not to disclose to their mother, although they might decide to postpone it
until such time that they feel safe. These exceptions will be evident in a
later section of this chapter that details the expected and actual initial
maternal reactions to the disclosure.
WHETHER MOTHERS ARE TOLD
Although mothers are seldom the first person to whom a young man
discloses his same-sex attractions, if a parent is told first, it is almost always
a m ~ t h e r In
. ~ the present study, youths were eight times more likely to tell
their mother before their father. This may be a matter of moments or years,
but many consider it more important, or perhaps safer, to tell their mother.
Investigators have seldom asked why this is true.
In terms of how many youths disclose to their mother, the percentage
varies depending on the age of the respondents and the year data are
collected. Among 2,500gay and bisexual male adult readers of the gay-
lesbian newsmagazine The Advocate, 64%reported that they had specifically
told their mother about their same-sex attractions, usually during their late
teens or early ~ O S Many. ~ nondisclosers felt that their mothers knew from
other sources or would not be surprised if they were to find out. A review
of the published data during the past decade with gay and bisexual male
youths reveals that the proportion of sons who disclosed to their mother
ranges from 40% to 70%.5Isolating those who lived at home, Tony D’Augelli
reported that only 7% of mothers did not know or suspect.6 In the present
study, 65% of youths report that they told their mother, with many others

believing that she knows or suspects-but the words have not been spoken.
These high percentages reflect a cohort effect: Contemporary youths are
disclosing to their mother, often while still living at home and, as will be
noted later, at increasingly earlier ages.
If approximately two thirds of sons have explicitly shared with their
mother the nature of their sexuality, then it is important to understand
their reasons for disclosing this “secret” when others have not. First, I turn
to motivations given by gay and bisexual sons for not telling their mother.
REASONS NOT TO TELL
Sons may decide it is best to withhold disclosure until “later” or, for
some, until “hell freezes over.” The complexity of reasons for this procrastina-
tion has seldom been investigated, although popular literature has not ne-
glected the topic. It cites as the primary reason for not coming out to mother
the fear of the “bad things” she would do to her son if she knew. This
reason, however, represents only one of many explanations offered by the
young men I interviewed.
Walt is concerned that his born-again Christian mother would disap-
prove of his sexuality and react with great hostility, but it is also evident
that Walt desires not to hurt or disappoint his mother, who is burdened
with considerable guilt raising her children alone. The time is just not right.
Walt is the “universal nondiscloser,” articulating four of the following five
most common reasons the interviewed youths gave for not coming out to
their mother: not the right time, fear of her reactions, have not gotten
around to it, desire not to disappoint or hurt her, and her moral disapproval
of his sexuality.

The belief that the “right” time to disclose has not yet arrived was
articulated by 30% of sons. Disclosure is thus delayed until a youth feels
that he has progressed sufficiently in his own identity development. To tell
mother before he feels secure with his sexuality is too risky, especially in
the initial phases of his development.
V I’m not comfortable talking with her about my sexuality. We’re a close
family, but we really never talk to each other about these kinds of
things. I think what I need to do is establish myself really first, to feel
very good about myself as gay. I just came out a month ago, and I’ve
got so much internal work to do. I’m just out to a few. I’m barely here
today. I’m working on myself first, and after that I’m telling her.

Despite negative views held by his mother, a bisexual son feels confident
that he will not be rejected if he were to tell his mother. However, he is
waiting for the right circumstance and opportunity in order to repair their
relationship-but he still has many questions.
V I’d rather tell her when I’m actually living with them rather than just
telling her that I’m leaving to live with Will. I know she won’t embrace
the idea, but I also know for sure that she won’t reject me. Black mothers
don’t throw then Black boys away. She is kind of closed-minded and
very homophobic, but I feel by not telling her we’re growing more
distant. Always before we’ve been very close. So this IS really kind of
a painful thing between us.
One of four gay and bisexual sons elects not to disclose because he
knows his mother does not have positive images of gay people and that she
would thus react in a negative way if she were to know. In part, this is
Walt’s fear. Not all damaging reactions, however, are based on evangelical
religiosity or conservative politics. Some mothers accept perceptions about
homosexuality that were prevalent during their growing up years.
V The first memory I have of the word homosexwll was when I heard it
as a warning from my mother-a very horrible sick person who was
perverted, a child molester, subhuman. But, on the other hand, they
had sex with males, which was exactly what I wanted, but I knew I
wasn’t the other things. This is when I was in the fifth grade.
I always knew I was interested in sex with other boys, but how could I
tell her if she believed all of these other things? Once she gave me a book,
I think it was called Growing Up Straight or something like that by Reckers,
Reekers, or whatever, and it was a ghoulish, horrible presentation. The
main word was “perversion,” the word I saw most in that book. Maybe
this was her way of warning me not to tell her, but I was angry at her for
shutting off communication and making me feel horrible, sick, perverted.
I think she still thinks that book is the last word on the subject.
Mothers need not be perceived as homophobic for youths to fear
disclosing to her. In one particular poignant example, a mother is liberal
regarding sexuality issues in general and even has positive views about gay
people, but this flexibility would not be extended to her son’s sexuality.
Her son speaks sarcastically of his mother’s political correctness, which does
not diffuse into his life.
V My mother is very accepting of all sorts of sexualities, sort of in a very
general way and civil rights for all. She has read gay books, is very
tolerant and very accepting, has gay friends, but I don’t think she would
ever accept me.

You’d think she was Ms. Gay Lady USA! Worked for Blacks, for
women, for displaced dishwashers, for green grass, for everyone but me.
My mother, Ms. Flaming Liberal, but she’s made it clear that I’m not
to be gay. I started to tell her, but she wouldn’t let me. She can have
gay friends but not a gay son; her gay friends are cool and so she is
cool, but my gay friends are fruity, dregs, fags. Her best friend is a
lesbian, but my lesbian friend is weird.
Youths also decide not to come out for practical considerations, such
as the fear that they might lose support for their college education. One
stated, “I’d like first to graduate and then be independent before I told her.”
Another replied matter-of-factly, “I want her support for my educational
funding, so to do that it’s best to not tell her directly.” This need for
independence is more financial than emotional.
V I don’t know if my mother knows, but I certainly have not told her.
Everyone thinks she knows, but I haven’t told her yet because I’m afraid
it would do me more harm than good. She controls the money and has
warned me before not to take for granted their support. She wants me
to go to Montclair State where it’s cheaper. So I have to be careful
what, when, and why I tell her.
Another thing, her sister, I think, is lesbian, but she’s not very open
about it, and my mother is not very happy about it. So I’m waiting
until I’m in a better position. On my own, educated, then I feel like
she’d be more likely to support me when I’m on my own. I want her
to know eventually. Yet, it feels like it might be a problem, and I just
don’t want to deal with it. But I hate lying to her about who Ted is,
although she must know.
I’m not sure what to do. I want her acceptance, and she will accept
me, but she’s been so damn homophobic ever since I can remember.
Is it worth telling her? Maybe we could talk more like we used to but
did we really talk? It’s going to take the right time.
Wants Not to Hurt Her
Closely associated with the “inappropriate time” argument is a youth‘s

stated desire not to experience or cause his mother’s hurt and disappoint-
ment. Slightly over 10% of nondisclosing youths recognize that eventually
they must come out, but they delay telling because they believe it will cause
irreparable damage to the mother-son relationship. To hurt his mother is
to cause pain to the most beloved person in the son’s life. One youth from
a particularly close family elegantly expressed what many other youths feel-
the desire to delay the inevitable “scene” they know will disrupt their family.
V My family is very WASPY, very upper class, very well educated, very
homogeneous. My dad is the lawyer in town, and my mother is the
I46 M O M ,DAD.I’M GAY

queen of charities. I almost told the queen this summer but then thought
better. Maybe I’ll tell her at Christmas, toward the end before coming
back, or maybe over spring break, just before coming back.
My mother, I don’t want to hurt her, and it would hurt her a lot.
It’s hard for me to deal with her mourning the loss of her son. She is
so attached to all of us and has the ideal perfections for us. She’s really
looking forward to grandchildren, and my feminist sister is not really
into having them. My mother would look bad in the community, and
that would hurt to know I caused this embarrassment. Among her
friends she is tops, and she’d lose this if I told her.
Youths want to avoid repeating a family pattern of always being the

one to hurt Mom.
V I don’t want to disappoint her; she has lots of misinformation. She
treats me like I disappoint her a lot, like in terms of grades, not going
out for sports, not being popular with the girls, not helping out Dad,
and not making enough money.
Of all family members, what he does appears to have the most impact on
the mother’s well-being. This power as an emotional anchor is as much
given by the mother as taken by the youth.
This is often quite apparent in Asian American homes. Young adult
Asian males who have not disclosed to their mother often express the
explicit desire not to be in a situation in which they would have to bring
“bad news.” “Her hopes are on me. I’ve got to make it. She has told me
this a thousand times. She has stayed home; she has sacrificed.” They
recognize the cultural prescription of fulfilling family responsibilities, which
includes not bringing pain or discomfort to parents. To disclose means
wounding their mother very deeply, something few wish to do. They know
they will not be rejected or discarded, but the guilt associated with
being the primary agent of maternal pain is too overwhelming for many
of them.
V Mothers know everything! I’d love to tell her, but there’s too much
baggage. I probably won’t unless I am with someone very special. I
know she’s going to be very hurt. Maybe she’d blow up and cry because
of social attitudes, shame, and our Korean culture-but mostly because
I’m her hope.
Not Close
Another reason not to disclose, commonly articulated by sons about

their father, was given by a less than 10% of young men about their mother.

Because they do not feel close to her, they see little need to share this
information with her: “Not sure my life would be any different if I told
her.” Dubious about their relationship, one youth does not trust his mother
with any intimate details about his life. He is holding back, in part to punish
her for past grievances.
V I act flaming, and this aggravates her because I knew it irritated her.
Like once I volunteered to play a girl in a school play. In front of all
her friends I did this play, dancing, singing, swishing all about. I’d have
guys over and lock my door, and we’d have wild sex in the basement.
This was junior high.
I don’t expect her support. She knows but isn’t ready for it. She is
pushing the female question, asking me if I’m dating. She is very percep-
tive, very evil woman. She knows too much, but I’ll not tell her. She
knows this indirectly. It’s her chromosomes-her sisters, her aunt, her
cousins, her fault.
More self-identified gay and bisexual youths disclose to their mother
than do not, at least among those I interviewed and as reported in previous
research studies. Perhaps youths who do not volunteer for interviews chose
not to because they fear being known as gay, including to their mother.
Although it is important to understand their reservations about disclosing,
we do not. Would they agree with the interviewed young men, that they
desire not to hurt or disappoint their mother, perceive their mother as too
homophobic to tell, fear losing particular privileges such as financial support,
have just not gotten around to it yet, or do not feel close enough to share
this intimate information about their lives? Is it simply not the right time
in their life or hers? What is known in greater detail are the reasons their
peers who volunteered to participate in this research project gave for coming
out to their mother.
REASONS TO TELL
More often than not, contemporary youths who identify as gay or

bisexual are out to their mother about their same-sex attractions. They do
so for a multitude of reasons, some of which vary from the reasons given
by young women. Paul lives in an open family; he began the process of
telling his mother in junior high school because in his family, members talk
with each other in an open and honest manner. Nick disclosed by confirming
his mother’s suspicions after he became despondent.
Nearly 60% of the youths report that the primary reason they came out
to their mother was because she asked or they volunteered the information in
order to share their life with her. Otherwise, external circumstances can
dictate the timing of disclosure.

Mother Asks
The primary reason the interviewed youths give as to why they disclose
to their mother-endorsed by over one third-is not because they take the
initiative but because she asks. She frequently asks, as noted in the last
section, because she suspects he is gay given his sex-atypical behavior or
her intimate knowledge about him. One youth reached a point in his life
at which he had begun to feel positive about himself. “I didn’t really want
to pretend any more that I was something that I wasn’t.” In response to his
mother’s question, he shared his lifetime secret. “It was sort of a test pattern.
She didn’t really expect me to say ‘Yes!’ but I decided I wasn’t going to
lie.” Another youth faced a similar situation after graduation when he
decided to devote his life to gay-related causes.
V I decided to go to Washington to work on AIDS, and she objected.
She said I couldn’t. We argued back and forth, and it seemed to have
no end. It wasn’t really the AIDS thing, since she always wanted me
to do medicine. I knew what it was all about. After a long pause she
asked in desperation if I was homosexual. That was the issue, and I
knew it. I’ve never lied to my family, so I said “Yes.”
Suspicious mothers who ask “the question’’ represent all ethnicities,

social classes, and geographic localities, as the narratives from an urban
Korean American and a rural White youth attest. The clues most indicative
of their son’s nonheterosexuality are the same as for other mothers.
V My mother said she knew since high school when I began to act kind
of freaky and hanging around weird people. There is very little discussion
of premarital sexuality in general in Korean families, so it was never
brought up as a topic, even of dating females. In high school, however,
it is more common to discuss sexuality. So, she asked me about dating
females, and because I wasn’t, she had begun to suspect. I always re-
mained silent whenever she asked about my girlfriends. Also, I think
she suspected because I’ve been an AIDS activist since my junior year
in high school and she was always very concerned with this.
V I t happened on the farm one morning when I was helping her with the
milking. I had promised myself if she asked I would tell. Asked if there
was any woman in my life, and I told her no, and as a joke she said,
“Any men!” I said, “Maybe.” She took awhile to respond, finished
milking, but said she suspected because of an earring 1 wore and also
that I didn’t spend much time and money on girls.
Wants to Share Life

The second most common reason, characterizing 2 in 10 youths, is
t o end pretensions. Sons want to reclaim closeness in the mother-son

relationship, and disclosing is an obvious means to this end given the nature
of their preexisting relationship. It is an attempt by some youths to recapture
a former affinity that has become frayed, in part because their secret has
been withheld.
V I got back from a visit with my boyfriend, and I felt relatively guilty
because my parents had paid for this vacation, but they didn’t know
why I was going. I t felt like my relationship with my mother had drifted
after being very close and I wanted, especially with this relationship,
to tell her and share what was going on. We used to share everything.
I told her about my dates and what we did. I told her about my first
sex with a girl; she gave me a condom, actually several since it was my
first time, and arranged for her and Dad to be gone that evening. Yeah,
she figured the first time we’d do it several times-or maybe that I’d
break one or wouldn’t get it on right.
She kept badgering me when I got back, “What’s wrong?” I kept
acting so distant so to build up our relationship again, that night I told
her I’m gay. I felt so much relief that we could be close again.
The reiationship sons have with their mother is such that they “must”
tell her everything about their life. They often feel guilty about not coming
out to her earlier. One college freshman took the first opportunity he had to
tell his mother face to face what he had learned during his orientation week.
V During Fall Break I had to talk about it because I was so excited about
my new understanding and what now suddenly made sense, all the
fantasies I had of guys and all the infatuations with guys since junior
high. And we talked for hours! We talk a lot, several times a week,
over the phone. I wanted to share with her the gay things in my life,
the politics, the beautiful guys. The only thing that kept me from telling
her before was not knowing what the fantasies meant and wanting to
share with her in person this new adventure in my life.
This close-knit mother-son relationship is commonly reported by Lat-

ino youths I interviewed. Many feel a special bond with their mother, the
person closest to them. They cannot truly be out and gay until they share
this aspect of their life.
V Oh god! I had wanted to tell her earlier, but I just couldn’t. I’ve been
very, very close to her all my life, and it’s hard to keep secrets from
her, but I don’t want to hurt her. I had hinted to her about people, my
views, activities, and things of that sort. It’s very radical in Puerto Rico
to say you have gay friends, and yet I told her that I did. I knew what
I was doing, to tell her gently, to test the grounds, to desensitize her.
I told her I was going to a gay bar. Then I said I was going to be seeing
a “him.” That’s how I told her. She understood. We had communicated.

To Elicit Support and Outed by Another
External circumstances also arise that oblige youths-nearly 3 in 10

among the interviewed young men-to disclose their sexual identity. Two
of these are being in a situation that necessitates eliciting parental support
and being publicly “outed” by others. Coping with the vicissitudes of falling
in love is a common example of the former.
V In adolescence I once tried to tell her that I wasn’t normal like other
boys because I couldn’t feel attracted to girls. But she just said, “Oh,
you’re just very studious. Your brother is the romantic one. Your time
will come.” My senior year in high school she knew I was upset, and
this is because I had a crush on a straight guy, so I told her that I might
be gay in order to leave myself an out.
In college I had been visiting home every 2 weeks, and I came to a
point in my relationship with Dan that I felt terrible that I was lying,
so I just felt like I had to tell her.
Another youth felt strong familial ties to his Jewish family and yet
was conflicted regarding where his family loyalties resided during holidays-
with his new created family. This internal struggle reached a climax when
he had to decide between spending the holidays with his family of origin
and spending it with his boyfriend.
V She kept pushing, pushing-when was I coming home for Passover and
when was I arriving and why hadn’t I told her before this. I wanted to
bring Jason along but if this was going to be a problem, well, I wanted
for us to celebrate our first Passover together. So I told her about Jason.
Family “outing” can also be provoked by another-a boyfriend, another
family member, the press. In most circumstances, a youth realizes in advance
that in the near future he will be publicly known as gay without having
had disclosed this information to his mother. He might be grateful that
someone else will do his work, thus forestalling or avoiding embarrassing
or very awkward moments.
V I was seeing Brian, who was this very militant gay who believed that
everyone ought to be out and proud, marching in the streets, and rallying
at the state capitol. He was on my case all the time for not telling my
parents. How could I march and not tell my parents? So he told my
parents, for political reasons, as he had threatened me when we had
arguments. So it was for the best for (is.
Another youth, who was out to his father, arranged for him to tell his
mother just before he, the son, was quoted in the local newspaper. The
editor called his parents for comment, and his mother was gone at the time.
“But I knew next time she might not be, and my dad couldn’t handle every-
thing.”

Sons tire of lying to their mother about their attractions and their
romantic, social, and political life. They long for personal integration, hon-
esty, a sense of genuineness and, in some cases, a return to a previous
relationship that was more open and honest. Or, a mother suspects something
is amiss, and she reaches a point at which she confronts her son. Most sons
reveal the truth. Circumstances can also dictate a disclosure, either because
a youth has begun to establish a new “family”and wants his mother’s support
or because he will be “outed” by another.
WHEN AND HOW MOTHERS ARE TOLD
Researchers seldom inquire as to when or how youths first disclose to

their mother. The average age varies in several recent studies from 18 to
20 years among support group and college-age youths.’ In nearly all cases,
adolescent males first disclose to someone else, usually a friend. Among the
youths in the present study, the average age of disclosure to their mother
is 19.2 years, which is over a decade after they first feel attracted to other
boys, over 2 years after they label themselves, and over a year after they
first disclose to someone else.
The average age of disclosure, however, is less instructive than the
range of ages over which sons disclose to their mother. Paul told his mother
when he was 13 that he “might be” gay; at 14, he was “likely” gay; and at
15, he was “absolutely sure.” Nick knew that his mother knew when he
was 14, but he did not confirm it until he was 19. Although Walt’s mother
“has to know,” at age 20 he has not yet come out to her. Among those
who have not yet “officially” disclosed, most feel fairly certain that their
mother already knows, probably from the time he was quite young, because
of his sex atypicality or because of her intimate knowledge about him.
Direct Disclosure
Research has generally supported the view that mothers more than
fathers are directly rather than indirectly told. Approximately three quarters
of youths in a Chicago support agency told their mother directly; a greater
willingness to discuss their sexual orientation with their mother than father
was reported by youths in other urban support groups as well. One explana-
tion frequently offered is that youths more often fear the reactions of father
than mother and thus refrain from telling him in a manner that would
encourage a confrontation. Another is that sons simply feel a closer affinity
to their mother.*
Among the interviewed youths, sons are as likely to directly disclose
to their mother as to their father. Although a direct disclosure is the norm,

youths are also exposed because someone else outs him, he is outed by
accident, or some other indirect means occurs.
Indirect Disclosure
Indirect disclosures are often quite subtle, such as a youth leaving

“hints” around the house or his mother discovering the information by
accident or through the assistance of a third party. The task of revealing a
youth’s sexuality may be delegated to a sibling, a friend, or circumstances.
In many cases these are not pleasant occasions.
One youth decided he would wait until he was financially independent
before telling his parents. However, he broke up with his “roommate” and
in retribution the ex sent an exposure letter to the youth’s parents detailing
their “secretive, sordid affair.”
V They confronted me, asked if I was gay, and if I was going to keep
seeing my gay friends. They gave me a week to decide. I wrote a letter
to them in which I said I loved them and that I’ll always be gay.
Another youth’s mother caught him “fooling around with my cousin and
a love letter I wrote him because he had cut me off just as we were developing
something.” One youth went to a march for gay rights and while he was
gone he received a flyer about the march that was opened by his mother.
“What was I going to do? If she was going to open my mail, then I was
going to admit to it.”
Many sons, perhaps a majority, implicitly or explicitly leave hints or
traces of their unconventional sexuality prior to or instead of a full verbal
disclosure. Thus, many mothers already suspect or perhaps know by the
time their son “gets around” to telling them. In the following dyad, the
“clues” have become so plentiful that the mother can complete the puzzle,
if she wants.
V We both know that she knows. I think there was just some sort of
implicit understanding that she knew. She never actually accused me,
hut for the last couple of years she said my friends are all gaylike and
why am I attracted to them. She thought my haircut [braids] might
cause others to think I am gay. She thought I was just doing it because
that was the thing to do, but she also thought I didn’t realize that
people would think I was gay because of the way I am. She won’t accuse
me of being gay even though I say, “Even if they think I’m gay, so be it.”
Twice she caught me screwing around with guys, once when I was
a kid with my cousin when we were giving each other blow jobs in the
furnace room and a year ago when she came in on me and Carlos
screwing in the shower. But even after that she “didn’t know” officially.
Of course she had to know but she never really probed the issue. At
the Christmas table she said it was important in life to feel fulfilled. I

joked, “Well then I should go to a male prostitute!” But she really
didn’t get it. She’ll ask about my love life, and I’ll say there isn’t any
woman I’m interested in. She’s caught me looking at men. She slowly
shakes her head and gets this look of fright or disgust. She’s asked me
if Carlos is gay because his voice sounds lispy.
Growing up I played with Barbie more than my sister, who was
taking ballet, and I wanted to but Mother acted as if I had asked to be
a girl. She asked if I liked girls at all sexually and asked why I didn’t
have a girlfriend during junior and senior high school. She has always
pushed me toward developing girlfriends, and she complained that I
stayed in the house a lot, maybe too much, and drew a lot. She kept
telling me to go outside. “To do what?!” She’d say, “To be a boy”-
which was weird. Boys have to go outside to be boys? She thought I
was a snob because I had an attitude of superiority.
It bothers me that she keeps pestering me with all of these questions
about my sexual attractions, nonstop! She’s never confronted me di-
rectly, but there’s this time she and my second oldest sister were in a
fight and my sister says, “You always stick up for your faggot son” and
then something like, “You always ask me if he is blank, blank, blank.”
I didn’t hear what she said, but I’ve always wondered if she said “gay.”
This was when I was 15. She’s always had her suspicions but never
really said anything. Except once she says to my aunt, “Well maybe
I’m a gay mother,” and this was 4 years ago.
Sometimes hints are transparent, without the explicit words ever being
spoken. What seems to matter most is that everyone knows about “it” but
no one, especially not the mother, wants the words to be uttered. In the
following two narratives, mothers skirt the real issue. They are “liberal”
women, but this does not appear to ease the transition to a gay identity for
their sons. These narratives illustrate that factors other than sex atypicality
can cue suspicions in mothers.
V She supposedly doesn’t know but, well, once a guy came to sleep over
with me, and we slept in the same bed the first time. Mom said nothing.
The second time she said, “Are you very good friends with him now?
Others say it’s not good for him to come over. It’s not a good sight.” I
think this is because he looked gay. He was just a friend; we weren’t
doing anything.
She then said to me a couple of days later, “You know you’ve been
acting kind of fruity lately, but I don’t want to know anything.” And,
before going to Italy my mother said to me, “Now, don’t be gay; life
will be too hard for you.” She just gave this as a snippet of advice. I
just said, “Whatever.”
1 just want to yell it in her ear. She was raised in San Francisco, so
she’s not naive about things, except when she wants to be stupid, like
with my life.

V Thinking back, my mother had questioned my sexual identity. Maybe
i t was just the way that she talked about the issue. “We brought you
up liberal, to love everyone,” and I wondered at that point whether
she was trying to imply whether or not I loved males in a particular
way. I would always debate with her issues about homosexuality, espe-
cially when I did my project in college, when I shared with her all of
the new information that I had. Maybe I had some hope that she would
pick up on this and want to talk to me about this issue.
There’s no indication that there’s anything about the way 1 acted or
behaved that would imply to her that I might be other than heterosexual,
although she expressed some concern regarding the fact that I was on
the phone too much and not studying enough. She was also bothered
by my hot temper and that I was not showing enough respect. Also, I
wasn’t practicing the piano enough. There was some sense too that she
was somewhat bothered that I let others push me around, but this
bothered her because she was concerned that I might not be fighting
my own battles. She said that 1 talked way too much because I apparently
talked all the time.
Other youths have no idea how their mother found out-whether it

was their dues, someone else told her, or she just “always” knew. One youth
was surprised on his 21st birthday when he received a very explicit card
from his inother with two nude males holding each other. “So I never
actually told her, which is too bad because she wouldn’t actually have cared
in the end if I had.”
Mother Asks Based on Suspicions
Most commonly, as noted earlier in this chapter, a mother suspects

because her son displays sex-atypical behavior, is not athletic or lacks other
forms of masculinity, does not seem interested in girls, or has gay-appearing
friends. I n these situations she is as likely to ask as the son is to volunteer
the information. When asked, most youths confirm their same-sex attractions
or sexual identity.
V Everyone always said I was the sissy in the family, and I guess 1 was.
In the second grade I was always hanging around girls, and Mom thought
at first it was so cute. But she must have wondered about me because
I remember her saying at some point, almost pleading with me, “Don’t
be gay.” Those were her exact words! I didn’t feel at the time it applied
to me because I just thought of myself as being asexual.
Well, she must have suspected it later because all my friends were
still girls, and I wasn’t getting into sports but into acting and art. She
never really said anything officially when I was in junior high, but I
think she really knew. One time in seventh grade when I was running

I held my arm in a particular way, and she said not to hold my arm that
way. She didn’t say that it was gaylike, but I could tell it was negative.
Finally, Mom asked my junior year after she found out one of my
best friends was gay. Maybe it was all too much for her. Well this was
certainly no big leap of logic for her.
One youth was friends with a feminist, which was interpreted by his
mother as “some sort of a statement.’’ After he supported gay rights in front
of her, called her on her gay jokes, and reported that he wanted to live in
San Francisco, she asked him, “Are you trying to tell me you’re gay!” A
bisexual youth’s mother feared that her son’s gay political activities implied
more than the liberal philosophy that characterizes everyone in the family.
V I was talking with her one night with the lights off,like we did a lot,
and she seemed to he making assumptions about my heterosexuality.
She almost seemed to be baiting me hy asking if I had ever done
anything with a male, and I finally said at one point that I had. I told
her my experiences with guys were not enjoyable in order to give her
hope that I would eventually marry and have children.
Association with “suspicious”friends also prompts mothers to conjec-

ture the possibility that they have a gay child. One mother wondered about
her son’s sexuality for three reasons: First he joined a theater group, then
befriended a gay couple, and finally entertained “faggy Tony” in the home.
O n Christmas Eve, she finally asked “the question.” ‘‘ ‘Is Tony gay? Is there
something I should know?’ I told her I was bisexual but not that Tony was
more than a friend.”
Some youths have accepting parents who encourage them to explore
all sexual options. Although rare, such parents ease the transition from
being in to out of the closet, in part by asking directly about their son’s
sexual attractions. In high school one youth dated a woman for 2 years, but
at Disneyland he had a new experience.
V 1 really hadn’t dated anyone else, even though I was popular in high
school. When I was 16 we were at Disneyland, and I met someone, the
man of my dreams, and I told her that I met someone. She asked if I
was attracted more to guys than to girls, and I denied this because there
were all sorts of people around. Five days later I told her that she had
been right. “I always had an idea you were headed in that direction.”
I got a little angry, because 1 didn’t know why she’d say that. I mean
I dated one girl for 2 years! She had just noticed that I looked a lot at
guys, which surprised me then because I didn’t know that I did.
Once mothers know or strongly suspect, they react with a variety of

responses-from a calm acknowledgment and acceptance to an emotionally
violent response.
156 A4OM, DAD. I’M GAY.

MOTHERS’ INITIAL REACTIONS
Because most gay and bisexual sons tend to feel close to their mother
and are more comfortable discussing their personal life with her than with
their father, investigators often assume that once they are told mothers are
less likely than fathers to respond with anger, verbal threats, or physical
abuse. Although sons are more likely to report feeling “protected” and
supported by their mother than their father-over two times as many in
one study--that mothers actually respond with less negativity is an unsub-
stantiated claim. Tony D’Augelli and colleagues reported significant differ-
ences in how parents currently respond, with mothers perceived as more
supportive. Others agree with these findings.’ However, the question of how
mother initially reacts remains unsettled.
Expected and Actual Reactions
In the present sample of sexual-minority youths, the initial reactions

of mothers are slightly more negative than those received from fathers,
averaging “slightly negative.”“ The range, however, is wide, from mothers
who are extremely supportive to those who react with screams and threats
to abandon their son. Indeed, in no other parent-child dyad does the average
initial reaction register so strongly in a negative direction.
In addition, the relatively few young men who have not come out to
their mothers do not expect her to respond positively. When compared
with the expected reactions of all other parent-child combinations, the
level of anticipated anguish in mother-son dyads is exceptionally high. No
undisclosed youth expects his mother to be supportive, or even neutral, and
several anticipate that she will threaten to cut off emotional and financial
aid and w-ill mandate conversion therapy. Potential reasons for this overly
negative response to her son’s same-sex attractions have not been investi-
gated, but. likely are connected with the importance he has in her life. She
might be reacting to the guilt she feels that their historically intimate
relationship has made him gay and that she has “failed” as a parent (that
it is indeed her fault), to the perception that he will now have a very thorny
and complicated life, or to her realization that this favorite child of hers
will not be producing grandchildren or a socially “respectable” life.
The range in mothers’ reactions is reflected in the three narratives
that begin this chapter. After initially dismissing Paul’s early adolescent
questioning, his mother was subsequently supportive several years later when
he finally asserted, “I’m gay.” Partially aiding her acceptance were “hints”
of his earlier questioning, her discovery of his gay porn magazines, and the
observations of his sex-atypical behaviors. Her primary concern, according
to Paul, was with the difficult life that he would have once he was generally

known as gay. Her reaction is in marked contrast to Nick’s mother, who
“really flipped out.” She blamed his friends and, ultimately, herself. This
silenced Nick for several years, until he came out to her a second time
during his freshman year of college. Again, she freaked and became self-
absorbed: “How can you do this to me?” She demanded that he seek psycho-
logical help that would convert him to heterosexuality, but refused to talk
openly about his sexuality after her initial outburst of panic. Walt is fairly
convinced that once he discloses his mother will blame herself and argue
that it is a sinful lifestyle, unless he wants to go to hell.
Few mothers respond as negatively as Nick’s. The most common reac-

tions are “slightly negative”-constituting denial, negative comments, and
discouragement. Together these characterizations represent nearly one half
of all mothers who know about the nonheterosexuality of their son. Extreme
hysterical and angry maternal reactions are relatively rare, but they do
occur-in 4% of the present sample of male youths. Overall, no dyadic
interaction is as negative as the mother’s response to her son coming out.
The most damaging reaction to her son was elicited by a mother who
“freaked out” and was rushed in an ambulance, at her demand, to the
hospital with severely elevated blood pressure. She thought she was having
a stroke. After returning later that night, “She wanted to kill me. Totally
unaccepting. She called the cops and had me arrested for trespassing because
I was not ‘her son’ anymore.”
V This was my junior year of high school. She was very distressed for
days. She cried, she really lost it. For several days she’d just begin
screaming, and I’d scream right back at her and then she sort of came
to her senses. Then she denied it all and said 1 wasn’t gay, and then
she started saying, “What will everyone think? What will the church
think?’! She’s afraid that her social life, her social world will be destroyed.
She is very selfish about it actually, afraid what will become of the
family name, that she’ll have no grandkids, what will my father say,
and how do I know anyways because it’s usually just a phase. Then she
tried to say that maybe I’m just bisexual, can get married, ignore this,
have children, and be normal.
Though this mother had always professed deep love for her son, her affection
could not overcome her paralyzing fears, shame, and unrelenting concern
about the integrity of her own social status and well-being.
Also extreme is a mother who instigated a family crisis that transpired
into an overnight calamity, with first one family member and then another
reacting to the disclosure. The worst was the youth’s mother.

V My mother burst into tears. She had a really red face, sort of a completely
blubbering reaction that was very horrible. She just kept saying, ‘‘I can’t
believe it! I can’t believe it!” But why couldn’t she believe it? She’s
known for a long time, but she thinks just because I’m 15 I can’t know.
This started a family crisis that lasted the whole night. This should
not have shaken her up like it did. Said it was a bad thing and did all
this stereotyping about I would never be happy, her dreams were shat-
tered with having grandchildren, and I was going to get AIDS. Yeah,
right! She was only concerned with her own skin, her own reputation,
her own dreams. She told me not to tell anyone, and she wouldn’t let
me touch her or anyone else in the family.
This is by far the biggest crisis I’ve ever faced on earth. Sooner or
later maybe she’ll catch up with the modem era. I had always thought
she’d be there for me, but I was wrong, wrong, wrong, and I wish now
that I had never told her. My friends are now my family.
More typical are reactions that, although negative, do not threaten

the mother-son relationship. Several disclosing youths were fairly certain
their mother would not respond in a positive way because of her religious
beliefs or ethnicity, or because there is little evidence of her giving emotional
support in their past. Despite these barriers, she is told.
V I told her 3 weeks ago. She didn’t cry, but she did seem really angry.
She has a hard time expressing emotions, and she has a really hard
time with my being gay because of her religion, which she pulls out
whenever handy. It’s really her problem and not mine. She wants me
to try a relationship with a girl again, one last time. She feels like it’s
a sin to be with a man.
She has always taken my father’s side in our many violent arguments,
even though she never called me names as he did. Once after a TV
show she asked if I knew what homosexuality was. I knew what it was
but 1 said I didn’t because I wanted to hear about it. She believed me
and explained what it was and how evil it was from a biblical point of
view. This was after she caught me having oral sex with a boy in my
bedroom when I was 12. She told me it was wrong and unclean and
so on. But I think she just put it out of her mind because she didn’t
want to believe it.
Other youths are taken aback by the extent of their mother’s tirade-
they expected and wanted better of her. She might even embark on what
appears to be a rational, intellectual course of action-to change her son’s
sexual orientation. She will “handle” the situation once she has better
control over her son.
V I told her over the phone, and she then began screaming, which is very
unlike her traditional Chinese demeanor. Then she called back a few
minutes later and apologized profusely. In a very even tone she asked

that I keep my mind open, “Don’t do anything!” She clearly didn’t like
it, but in the call back she was very nonemotional and intellectual
about it. She was relatively calm, which is usual for her. She said she
wanted me to come home after graduation. “Don’t make any major
life decisions.”
I asked her why, and she said so she could change my sexual identity!
You see, she’s got all these lesbian friends and is president of the local
NOW chapter, so she has to pretend to be liberal. But when it comes
to her own son, she can’t like handle it down deep. She told me she
thought and hoped I would grow out of being gay and just to leave my
options open. To be a responsible mother she had to encourage me to
hold off on my final decision.
The mother-son relationship is particularly prone to volatility if a
mother is surprised or shocked by the disclosure-which appears to be
the norm when her son is masculine and not sex atypical in behavior or
mannerisms. According to one youth, “My mom was shocked. She always
assumed I was straight. I was just simply a slow bloomer with the girls.”
Few sons can expect as positive of a response as that which Paul

received. Slightly over 1 in 10 youths report that their mother gave unquali-
fied support. Her primary concern is usually the well-being and safety of
her son. “She said she wasn’t surprised, but she cried rather softly. We
talked. I gave her stuff to read. I thought it went very well. She says she
loves me, always will no matter what, but is concerned for the hard life I’ll
have. But she said she’d be there for me to overcome whatever came my way.”
Two in 10 mothers are more “guarded” in their positive reactions.
These are often women who struggle to understand and reconcile the knowl-
edge that they have a gay or bisexual son, yet they love their son and want
to maintain good relations with him. For example, one youth grew up in
a working-class trailer park home; his mother was 16 years old and with
one of her many boyfriends when she gave birth to him.
V I don’t remember any particular time when she questioned my sexual
orientation. She raised me and her boyfriends were really rotten to me.
They really knocked me around, so maybe I just tried to emulate her.
I turned masculine and began dating when I was 17. I reacted in a
fairly negative way to her questioning, but I can’t recall that she ever
directly confronted me. I know that I can only fall in love with men.
My mom’s brother is bisexual, but she never talked about it. I think
maybe she worried about my sexuality but couldn’t bring herself to
accuse me directly.
So she didn’t take it so well, but then not badly either. She’s just
not comfortable with it, not happy. But on the other hand, she says

she loves me because I’m her son. She was not surprised and had
wondered about it but never gave any hints that she knew.
Other youths are reasonably certain that they will receive a positive
response, primarily because of the history of their relationship with their
mother. They know her views about alternative forms of sexuality, and she
has apparently anticipated the news, come to terms with it, and is waiting
for the youth to find the right moment to come out.
V At the time I was being told about the birds and the bees she told me
that if I was gay my lover would be accepted into the home as if he
was my girlfriend. I didn’t realize my mom’s open mindedness at the
time, but later when I was 14 when I told her I was hi I guess I knew
she would understand.
She was comfortable with me being bi, but she wanted me to lead
a straight lifestyle because it’d be easier for me. It’s not that she’s
homophobic, but she suggested that I talk to someone, not to change
hut to feel more comfortable with who I am. She said it was not the
biggest shock in her life. She seemed very unaffected by it and said
didn’t I think she knew this already. She said she was quite a tomboy
when she grew up but that did not make her a lesbian, so I guess that
reflects some homophobia.
When I reminded her a year later I was hi she reacted extremely
well, asked me to be safe, and asked me if I wanted to marry a girl and
have kids. I said that was my goal to give her some hope and that I
would be happy doing this, although at some level I knew that this might
not be completely true. She assumed I would be following this path.
Although mothers’ initial reactions vary from outright rejection to full

acceptance, most rare are neutral reactions to the disclosure. Silence or a
stance of neutrality occurs in all other parent-child dyads. The normative
response, counter to popular literature, is to express mild forms of grief
and then quickly move to acknowledgment and acceptance. If a favorable
reception is not immediate, it usually follows fairly quickly. What happens
after this initial reaction is a variety of “long-term” solutions to the mother-
son relationship.
During his early adolescent years Paul disclosed with ever-increasing

clarity that he has strong same-sex attractions that could only mean that
he is gay. His mother was at all times tentatively supportive, although Paul
feels that she held out hope for his heterosexuality. I t is not that she openly
opposed his lifestyle but rather that she avoided talking about it. Unhappy
with this resolution, Paul initiated a campaign of discussing his attractions

and sexual identity, with a corresponding movement on the part of his
mother toward greater comfort with her son’s sexuality. Progress toward
acceptance for Nick’s mother has been slow and difficult. She blamed herself
and sought conversion therapy for him. Only recently has she begun to
“deal with it” by squelching her disappointment and buying him condoms.
Unfortunately, previous research cannot assist our understanding of
how the mother-son relationship evolves following disclosure because few
if any investigators have asked the question, “How has your relationship
changed in the intervening years?” Among the youths I interviewed, 50%
report that matters have improved after disclosure, 40% believe that little
has changed, and 10% say that a decline in their relationship with their
mother has occurred. This overall optimistic report should not imply that
progress is inevitable o r that change always results in a positive outcome-
some dyads move from a situation that is horrible to one that is simply bad,
but still not positive.
Many mothers learn to accept their altered reality that they have a
gay or bisexual son relatively quickly after disclosure. Because most mothers
have a historically special relationship with their son, they want to be
supportive; the son may even demand enthusiasm as well as her acceptance
for his discovery. He is excited about his new and honest life and would
like her to share in it. Although relatively few mothers initially give full
endorsement, many try to recuperate after the initial setback. One religious
mother found a way to do this through her church.
V Out of desperation she tried to get me to see a priest, but he turned
out to be gay. When I told him I was gay he said, “Fine.” That was all
there was to it. Once my mother found out it was okay with him she
gave up her objections. She won’t do nothing to either help or hinder
the development of my homosexuality. She has always defended the
positions of the Catholic church, so it’s important never to mention
the word because even though she’s supportive of me, she has to be
against homosexuality, at least when we use those words.
It was hard for her because of the five of us I’ve heen the model son,
and I’m my mother’s favorite. So now she’s much more comfortable
about it, although she always worries about the AIDS issue. She made
me keep my promise not to tell my father. They themselves are having
some problems. My mother assured me that they would continue paying
for college.
Another group of mothers initially responds poorly and then recovers

their bearings to offer at least acknowledgment and sometimes acceptance.
One mother initially threatened to sever all financial ties, “but she didn’t.

She wasn’t happy with it, but she learned how to deal with it.” The youth
understands that his mother’s “bigoted” background makes it difficult for
her to accept his sexuality, “but she is trying, although deep down I can
tell that it’s really bothering her.” As his sexuality is “normalized” and he
openly talks about it, and as his mother finds other mothers who have the
same “problem,” he believes she will continue to increase her support,
although perhaps never advancing to the point of being a political ally.
Another youth knows that his mother’s full acceptance will take time: “She
certainly has reservations about my homosexuality because of her religion.
She worries about my spirituality and whether or not this will keep me from
going to heaven.” Most of the time, however, the two ignore his sexuality and
their relationship has become increasingly intimate, warm, and gratifying.
The mothers of bisexual youths frequently have a particularly difficult
hurdle to overcome: If their son is attracted to girls, then why not “choose”
to pursue the socially acceptable route? Even mothers who accept their son’s
bisexuality and have a reasonably good relationship with him might still
be perplexed with his decision to be with a man.
V She ‘wasn’t all that surprised even though she said she hadn’t thought
about it. After a calm, “Well, that’s okay,” she didn’t mention it. I
brought it up again a week later, and she said she thought it was a
phase and that I’d go the straight route. She’s much more excited if
I’m dating a female than if I say something to her about a guy. It’s
easier for her to accept the bisexual element because she assumes I will
do the Jewish thing and develop a straight relationship and have kids.
This would make her happy, and I’ve always tried to make her happy.
So things are okay as long as I don’t push the gay envelope too much.
Let me give you an example. 1 was getting interested in this guy,
and this freaked her out, so at this wedding she made sure I sat with
Sarah and her parents and that we danced. She never mentions my
boyfriend and ignores my comments when I do. But she’ll ask me, “How
is Sarah doing?’’ or “Isn’t Sarah’s hair so beautiful?” The other day she
even said she traced the Bernstein’s family line, and there was no history
of mental illness or retardation!
Mothers usually want what is best for their son, and they know that
means choosing a girl. One youth’s mother told him to “be pragmatic. ‘Your
life will be much easier with a girl.’ ” Mothers worry about their son being
beaten up, losing his professional life, or being infected with HIV. Being
with another man only complicates life.
Protectionism permeates many of the “second responses” a mother has
to her son after the initial disclosure. Whether the potential protagonist is
her husband, the external world, or AIDS, she wants, perhaps feels an
obligation, to protect her son. Even if her initial reactions are harsh and
incredulous, on many occasions this can be traced to her desire to shield

her son against the evils of the world and a perceived difficult life. She is
responsible for him!
Nonetheless, many mothers mellow and become increasingly accepting
once they realize that the possible consequence of their continued objections
is that they will lose their son and their ability to protect him. One mother
asked questions “about my dates with guys, and she’ll actually ask about
what we do and don’t do. She wants me to meet boyfriends.” Initially
hesitant to tell his mother, once one youth came out to her she became
“respectful of what I did. We’re good friends now. I t was very liberating.”
Mothers may also realize new benefits from having a gay son-they get “the
daughter” they always wanted. “I’ll talk and help her out in the kitchen,
fix meals, while my brothers just say to her to fuck off, and watch TV.”
Four in 10 mother-son relationships do not improve or worsen after

the initial disclosure but remain essentially the same. Indeed, the most
common maternal reaction after the initial response to the disclosure is to
“not talk about it.” Without discussion, little opportunity exists for initial
reactions to evolve. Continuation could entail an initially negative response
staying bad, a positive one staying positive, or a neutral response staying
neutral.
Many youths agree with the following teenager who received a rela-
tively neutral, silent reaction from his mother: “She tries still to deny that
part of my life and at this point, this is simply a topic we don’t talk about.
So while she is not rejecting of me, neither is she willing to deal with this
issue at this time.” A mother may place prohibitions on her gay son, demand-
ing that he not act on it or talk about it with anyone, especially “your dad
because he just wouldn’t understand.” She thus reduces the spectrum of
negative ramifications that the news will have on herself and perhaps her
son, diminishes the visibility of her son’s homosexuality to the point that
she can place it out of her consciousness, or pretends it just does not exist.
If he does not “act on it,” then his same-sex attractions will seem less real
to her and, hopefully, to him, thus increasing the probability in her eyes
that he will “choose” heterosexuality. The son may have planted the seed,
but the mother will not nourish it, with the hope that it will die. This
stance may last for days, months, or years.
In the following dyad the topic of homosexuality has not reemerged
for 5 years since the initial disclosure. Consequently, a bad reaction has
remained bad. The son takes a dim view of his mother’s ability to handle
difficult information. This was true when her oldest son disclosed his homo-
sexuality to her and appears to also characterize her reaction now that her
youngest son has “rocked her world yet again.”
i 64 M O M ,DAD.I’M GAY
V My mother knows but is stupid and doesn’t want to talk about it.
Basically I think it’s denial in certain terms. She denied that my brother’s
relationship with his boyfriend existed, as if they are best friends who
live together in a one-bedroom apartment. My mother hasn’t talked
about it, not once since I told her. Topic not brought up ever by her.
She’s set in her stupid ways.
I guess since she’s known it’s changed our relationship, and we
pretend a lot and don’t talk about anything like we used to. So it doesn’t
exist. It’s the trump card she holds over me. I’m being mentally and
physically abused by her, so I guess I’m on my own.
Mothers who initially acknowledge their son’s same-sex attractions

with acceptance often move no further toward fully embracing their gay or
bisexual son. Sons complain, as one youth stated it, that, “Nothing else
happened. I t was like she had done her loving, motherly thing. I would
have liked more.” When asked what else she should have done, youths
often want political action, active discussions on gay topics, and invitations
for boyfriends to spend a weekend or holiday. For example, a mother might
agree to let her son’s boyfriend come for dinner, but most requests have to
be initiated by her son. “Why couldn’t she think of it? She’s always inviting
mv sister’s husband t o come over.”
Not all mothers, however, progress in a positive or neutral manner.

One in 10 mother-son relationships worsen over time, with very little
evidence of positive developments. “She sent me to the shrink a week later
and made me tell my sisters as a way to punish me-to embarrass me and
make me out the fool. I’m afraid she’ll use it against me sometime.” Another
youth faced an even harsher judgment and consequence. “She freaked out
and never really mentioned it after that until a month later. Then she really
started to harass me, said it was a phase and that I could change. At the
time I discovered I was HIV positive, but I couldn’t tell her. Now I’m
uninsured because she’s taken me off her policy, saying I’m no child of hers.”
Mothers who respond positively and then become increasingly negative
evince a relatively rare pattern. In most cases this is the result of independent
changes occurring in their life-usually they become “more religious.”
V 1 dated this guy, and he stayed with us and she became quite fond of
him, let us sleep in the same bed and considered him part of the family-
the man of the house. He was 2 1, 6 years older than me. I didn’t think
we had an ideal relationship, but after we broke up she became more
negative. She’s become much more spiritual, sort of New Age with
crystals and palm reading, and she sees homosexuality as part of the
materialism or jet age image.

She has actually very few controls over me at this point. I see her
very little now. I say to her, “Let me use my own judgment.” She’ll
cringe and say I’m still like a boy and I’m trying to get out of self-
responsibility and that’s why I’m gay.
For most sons, maternal tolerance, if not acceptance, emerges either

immediately after they come out to their mother or soon thereafter. Few
mothers want their son to be gay or bi, but once they know he is serious
in his proclamations, they revert to their protective position that he is, after
all, their son and they must be there as his parent. The two now have a
new bond, one of mutual understanding and support.
WHEN MOTHERS HAVE SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS
The majority of mother-son relationships become ever more positive

over time, although at differing rates and to varying degrees. Although it
is difficult to predict which relationships will become most positive in the
shortest period of time, one characteristic that is a usually good sign is
having a mother who has significant same-sex attractions herself. One youth
recalls a long history of positive gay images in his family.
V My mother had this great love of Liberace, and on TV I once saw Elton
John with the long dangling earrings. At the time I remember her
saying, “Well, it’s his business, whatever h e is.” But I also remember
media figures like David Bowie who was supposedly gay. T h e positive
part was not so much that these people were there but that my mother’s
reaction to them was positive. “They have a right to it.”
Me and my brother just went, “Ugh!” O n e time I protested, and she
reminded me of several of her friends, this lesbian couple in church I
like a lot.
There’s lots of homosexuality in our family as it is. Two sisters who
are bisexual. One has come out to me, and the other hasn’t, maybe
even to herself, but several of her [female] friends told me they’ve had
sex with her. I have a cousin on my mother’s side, and he is gay, but
my grandparents have really deserted him. Then there’s a cousin on
my father’s side, but we never see him. I even think my mother went
through an experimental stage in the ’60s. She was this real beatnik kind
of a person, and I sort of think she experimented sexually with women.
Indeed, just under 5% of the youths I interviewed believe that they
have a mother who either had at one time significant same-sex attractions
or are currently lesbian or bisexual.
V More and more she has said she has these significant attractions, and
she leans more that way, toward lesbian. She shouldn’t be surprised
because her brother is gay and her sister I suspect is lesbian because

she’s never married and she keeps hanging out with this one female
friend for many, many years.
A FINAL WORD
Most gay and bisexual sons disclose to their mother before disclosing
to their father. It is as if it is most important to come out to her first, perhaps
because she is their emotional center, the one who nurtured them through
their childhood and adolescence, the one who taught them values and self-
respect, and the one they most want and need to know supports and accepts
them. Indeed, one empirical study demonstrated that youths who were out
to their mother or who had a satisfying relationship with their mother had
the highest levels of self-esteem.”
When a mother fails to provide this support, youths may feel betrayed,
perhaps question the sincerity of her past love, and note that the mother-son
relationship deteriorates. Fortunately, when faced with the prospects of
losing their son, most mothers relent and accept him in a more holistic
fashion-still their child, but now with a same-sex orientation. Those who
reach this position are most likely to have had previous contact with sexual-
tninority people or a history of nonheterosexuality in the family; have a
warm, open relationship with their son; or share his same-sex attractions.
Some cannot offer unconditional love-perhaps the result of selfish self-
interest but often because they want nothing more than to continue what
they have been doing since his conception: protect him from the hardships
of life. To acknowledge his sexuality is to condone, perhaps even encourage,
a life they believe will only harm their child.
No youth reported that his mother responded neutrally to his coming
out. She reacted! Some respond negatively to discovering that they have
a gay or bisexual son and remain negative. More start positively and stay
positive. Only the rare ones begin positively and become negative. The vast
majority originate from a slightly negative position and become at least
tolerant or extremely supportive over time. At the time of my interview,
most youths reported that they now have a positive relationship with their
mother, and they expect this to continue. This portrait, strikingly at variance
with stereotypic images of family calamities and chaos, i s part of the new
face of being young and gay in America.
ENDNOTES
’ BeIl, A. P., Weinberg, M. S., & Hammersmith, S. K. (1981). Sexual prefer-

* Despite widespread scientific evidence that sexual orientation likely has a
substantial genetic base, only 32% of the American public believe that homosexual-
ity is genetic. The rest attribute some aspect to learning or the environment,
including parenting. See Reuters (2000, February 8). Most in U.S. favor laws
barring gay discrimination. Distributed via e-mail list server Channel Q News (list
[email protected]), managed by Doug Case ([email protected]).
Although the percentage is usually under 10%. See DAugelli, A. R., &
Psychology, 21, 421-448; D’Augelli, A. R. (1998, February). Victimization history
and mental health among lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths. Paper presented at the
Society for Research on Adolescence, San Diego, CA; Herdt, G., & Boxer, A.
(1993). Children of Horizons: How guy and lesbian teens are leading a new way out of
the closet. Boston: Beacon Press; and Weinberg, M. S., Williams, C. J., & Pryor,
D. W. (1994). Dual attraction: Understanding bisexuality. New York: Oxford Univer-
sity Press.
Lever, J. (1994, August 23). Sexual revelations. The Advocate, pp. 17-24.
j Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998). The disclosure to their families of same-sex
attractions by lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths. Journal of Research on Adolescence,

8, 49-68.
DAugelli, A. R., Hershberger, S. L., & Pilkington, N. W. (1998). Lesbian,
consequences. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry , 68, 361-371.
’ D’Augelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
CA; and Sears, J. T. (1991). Growing up gay in the South: Race, gender, and journeys
of the spirit. New York: Harrington Park Press.
’ DAugelli, A. R. (1991). Gay men in college: Identity processes and adapta-
tions. Journal of College Student Development, 32, 140-146; DAugelli, A. R., &
Psychology, 21, 421-448; D’Augelli, A. R., Hershberger, S. L., & Pilkington, N. W.
(1998). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth and their families: Disclosure of sexual
orientation and its consequences. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 68, 361-37 1;
Cramer, D. W., & Roach, A. J. (1988). Coming out to mom and dad: A study of
gay males and their relationships with their parents. Journal of Homosexuality, 15,
79-91; Herdt, G., & Boxer, A. (1993). Children of Horizons: How gay and lesbian
teens are leading a new way out of the closet. Boston: Beacon Press; and Savin-
Williams, R. C. (1990). Gay and lesbian youths: Expressions of identrty. Washington,
DC: Hemisphere.
The following research studies address the issue of relative parental reactions
once disclosure has occurred: Cramer, D. W., & Roach, A. J. (1988). Coming out
to mom and dad: A study of gay males and their relationships with their parents.

Journal of Homosexuality, 15, 79-91; D’Augelli, A. R. (1991). Gay men in college:
Identity processes and adaptations. ] o u m l of College Student Development, 32, 140-
146; D’Augelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
American Journal of Community Psychology, 2 1 , 42 1-448; D’Augelli, A. R., Hersh-
berger, S. L., & Pilkington, N. W. (1998). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth and
their families: Disclosure of sexual orientation and its consequences. American
Journal of C)rthopsychiutry, 68, 361-371; Pilkington, N. W., & D’Augelli, A. R.
( 1995). Victimization of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth in community settings.
Journal of Community Psychology, 23, 34-56; Rotheram-Borus, M. J., Rosario, M.,
& Koopman, C. (1991). Minority youths at high risk: Gay tnales and runaways. In
M. E. Colten & S. Gore (Eds.), Adolescent stress: Causes and consequences (pp.
181-200). New York: Aldine de Gruyter; and Savin-Williams, R. C. (1990). Guy
and lesbian youth: Expressions of identity. Washington, DC: Hemisphere.
’‘Actual reactions averaged 3.9 on a scale from 1 (very supportive) to 7
(rejection); expected reactions averaged 5.1.
” Savin-Williams, R. C. (1990). Gay and ksbuin youth: Expressions ofidmtity.
SONS AND MOTHERS J 69

SONS AND FATHERS
Pete
When I was 17, two of my best school friends, two girls, told my
parents out of their concern for me that I “needed help.” When my
dad confronted me about what I needed help about, well, I had to be
honest, because we’ve always as a family stressed honesty with each
other.
As expected, h e was supportive, especially so it seemed, probably
because my dad’s boss is gay, and my dad is very liberal, so in our house
we talked very openly about homosexuality. Because of his boss being
gay, my dad said that it was okay to be gay. He said he knew and he
had no problem, except he thought it was his fault, and I reassured him
that it wasn’t. This was uncomfortable for me, but then he had been
always supportive. He just wants me to be successful. He has always
been great, never saying anything negative about homosexuality. A t
least we talked about it, all night in fact. He thought originally when
I was a kid, he later told me, that this would be just another phase of
my very difficult life-life has not been easy for me because of illnesses,
asthma, medication addiction-but over time he maintained support.
He always knew, and I didn’t know! He would just joke about
homosexuality and was very comfortable with the topic-not sure why
it took me so long to tell him. I have a lesbian sister and a brother
who is bisexual, so maybe he’s used to it. Then an uncle who is a priest
I think is gay and avoiding it. Once Dad was bothered when he caught
me playing with a doll. He said this was sissy without much emotion-
like he was resigned to it.
Everybody has always thought I was a clone of Dad, from the day I
was born, I’ve been told. As a child I had a great affection for ciothing,
and he thought I was too concerned with this, although he was always
a sharp dresser himself. I don’t think he necessarily associated it with
being gay. He was just concerned with anything that was feminine or
might look gay. Because I was into clothing he thought that was a
feminine thing, but really I wasn’t unmasculine. But I do wonder about
my dad-his hyper concern with not appearing feminine, his sharp
dressing, his love of the theater, and his many very attractive male
friends.
171
Nolan
My junior year in college over Thanksgiving I told him after my mother
told me I had to. I didn’t want to talk about it, but he confronted me
and thought that it was best for me to start talking about it. My father
is Italian and of a different era. He sort of is out of this modern life,
essentially. He never sees my point of view. He started going crazy,
cursing at me. He then pulled down his pants and said, holding his
penis, “Is this what you want?!” He physically attacked me, tried to
strangle me, and hit me. I ran out of the house and went to my best
friend’s house.
I t was a terrible weekend that Thanksgiving and then again at
Christmas. He kept talking to me; he kept me inside the house and
wouldn’t let me go out unless I was accompanied by a member of the
family. He wouldn’t let me talk to any of my friends. He kept trying
to talk me out of being gay.
Father said I could stay at college only if I were to see a psychologist.
He made me move o u t of the dorm and moved me off campus, and my
family basically started living with me. They wanted me to continue
my education, but they couldn’t trust me with any other gay person. I
went back to college to lead a straight lifestyle.
I went to see a psychologist who was actually a chaplain. He said
to my parents that they had a problem and not me. He never said that
he was going to try to change me, but h e was willing to talk to me
about my family problems. He’s been very decent.
My father feels that if he supports me then he ends up supporting
homosexuality. He must have had suspicions about me when I was
younger because I had these erotic posters of male rock stars in my
bedroom. My father said that I was into effeminate men, and he’s always
tried to discourage anything gay, such as my involvement in music or
dramatics. They’re both in liberal professions, and I’ve always had good
grades and I’ve done things to make them proud, but in the gay things,
such as singing and musicals and acting in high school, they’ve never
really liked.
William
I ask myself, why should I tell him? Perhaps only if I am in a real serious
relationship and I didn’t want to try to explain who this particular man
was, then I might tell him. Or it may be a problem at graduation here
[in my dorm], that is, because I have a lot of magazines and novels and
art and if you look real careful you can tell that I’m gay. If he were to
come up here then I would have this big decision about whether or
not to de-gay my apartment. If he really wanted to know, then certainly
there would be enough evidence.
Yet it feels like it’s a rite of passage to tell, and 1 suspect eventually
I’ve got to do it. I wouldn’t expect my father to be particularly terribly
negative about it. Basically, it seems that h e has ignored the issue; even

though I’ve never dated, he really never asked or pushed me to go o u t
with women. I figured that he just figured it out a long time ago, and
he basically decided that whatever I do is my own business, although
at times he really pushed me to be more sportslike, but I really was not
very interested. In sixth grade he made me join the football team, but
this was just awful. I had no concept of what it was all about. In junior
high school he made me join the soccer team, and that was more awful.
I n senior high he made me join the swim team, and that wasn’t awful.
Even though I did not excel, I was at least okay a t it.
Whv tell? We’re not like real close or anything, but I guess I should,
out of respect.
Pete, Nolan, and William made different decisions about whether,
when, and how to tell their father about their sexuality. Although it is
unfair to label their experiences as normative or typical of young men with
same-sex at tractions, to some extent they represent three facets of the
relationships gay and bisexual youths have with their fathers. They also
illustrate the diversity that is apparent among youths who must decide
whether they want to share this knowledge with a n individual who may
have been, a t least at some point, the most important man in their lives.
Among gay and bisexual male adults interviewed in San Francisco in

the late 1960s, a majority reported that they did not feel close to their
father while growing up. H e was not warm or intimate, and they had little
admiration or respect for him. Knowing that they were not their father’s
favorite child, they felt detached from him. They perceived themselves as
unlike their father in his masculinity, activities, and independence, and
they had little desire to grow up to be the kind of person he is. Almost
three quarters reported that they were more similar to their mother than
their father.’
Many of the gay and bisexual youths I interviewed express similar
sentiments. Although few experienced such battles with their father, as did
Nolan, that their interactions erupt in violence and outright rejection,
nearly half of the youths report conflictual relations with their father. T h e
clash usually centers o n the youth’s child and adolescent sex-atypical man-
nerisms and behaviors. Equally typical are the narratives of Pete and Wil-
liam-dist ant but compatible relationships with their father. Their greatest
“sin” is not being sufficiently masculine. A few had good childhood relation-
ships with their fathers, only occasionally punctuated by bickering and
squabbles over “hot” issues.
SONS AND FATHERS I73

Many horror stories, recited in coming-out books, chat groups, and

on-line magazines, are of real-life father-son encounters in which fathers
will not or cannot tolerate a “faggy” son. Youths who recall such discord
in the father-son relationship frequently attribute the friction not t o concern
with the direction of the youth‘s sexuality but with his displays of sex-
atypical behavior. Pete’s father did not appreciate his son playing with dolls
or his interest in clothing; Nolan’s father objected to his son’s involvement
in singing and acting.
From a n early age, several youths I interviewed faced nearly daily
recriminations because of their sex-atypical behavior. O n e father was, ac-
cording to his son, “Really burned up because of the way I walk, the way
I talk, the way I carry myself. He always tagged me as a pansy, like a
fruitcake.” Another youth feels that he is a failure in his father’s eyes. If he
comes out to his father, he fears that he will displease him yet once again.
Thus, this most important aspect about himself is known by his mother,
friends, academic advisor, collegiate gay community, minister, doctor-
everyone but his father. Coming out to his father will be his final exit from
the closet.
V He has always questioned my behavior. When I was young, from 4 years
old, he wanted me to play baseball because it was so important to him,
and I just wasn’t into it. I was terrible at it, and he was always yelling
at me and calling me a sissy because I threw like a girl. He would say
when I cried to act like a man. He worried about my posture and
thought I was too smart. He didn’t like my dancing, my listening to
Big Bands, or my humor or my cooking. He didn’t want me to wear
faggy clothes.
I was teased heavily, and I was very sensitive to it. Some said I was
a little girl because I couldn’t play baseball. This occurred basically by
everyone, but I was actually teased more by my father than by anyone
else, and this is what really hurt. I would turn real red or try to escape
or deny that I was a girl. Maybe it was because 1 was so sensitive that
I would get teased. I was known as the smart kid, but this was not good
enough for him. I actually had few friends because I was quiet and
avoided people. My father and I fought a lot because he thought I was
too smart, too domestic.
I had to participate in some sports just to please him. So in high
school I did soccer, track and field, and long-distance running until 1
broke my leg. I was the fastest runner in school but was terrible and
horrible at basketball and baseball. Guys always laughed at me, except
my father, who’d see red; it only made him mad to see me flail about.
I think I’m gay because of my self-image and my father’sname calling,
and eventually I came to believe him. But then maybe it was my sex

play, or maybe it only reinforced what already was. I know that I’ve
been gay for a long time, probably I was born with it.
Fathers can also become frustrated with their son if he is not following
in their footsteps-not “replicating the old man,” as one youth describes
it. A former world-class athlete, one father made his son try out for Little
League baseball, despite the son’s protest. “What Jew does baseball?!” He
tried out, made the team (as did everyone who tried out), and became a
fixture in right field who consistently batted last; his father was the coach.
Their relationship became somewhat less conflictual when the son made
the wrestling team. This sport was more to his liking because of its unique
benefits.
V My father wanted me to join all-male activities. You know, sports teams
and things like that to prove my masculinity. I loved wrestling. Can
you imagine rolling around on the floor with a muscular guy in tights!
Stealing a grab or pressing my crotch against his ass. Sometimes I would
prolong the match just to spend more time with an attractive guy and
get a hard-on. My father loved that I loved wrestling-and so did I!
A more common response of fathers to their son’s sex atypicality is
to note it, to occasionally express misgivings or displeasure, but to refrain
from systematically harassing him about it. By contrast to the preceding
father, one youth knows that his father still loves and values him as a
member of the family.
V He certainly noticed that I was more feminine than most boys. Not
directly, of course, because that’s not him, but way back when I was 5
years old he caught me playing with a lipstick case. I wasn’t trying to
put it on or anything, but h e seemed very concerned that I might be.
And when I look back actually at family pictures I can always tell that
I am really flaming. My hips are out, my hands are out-this was true
even at age 5! I just thought it was because I was a big ham.
At age 7 he said to me sort of randomly that all males have problems
changing clothes in locker rooms and that I should not he ashamed to
change my clothes. When I put chalk on my fingernails, Dad sort of
had a hissy fit about it. He didn’t like my knitting, and he failed to
understand the injustice he was causing me. But he wouldn’t talk about
it, just say that I was overdoing it, trying to look good. He also said
that I looked very limp-wristed, so eventually I did do tennis, swimming,
gdf, and run some.
Not all sexual-minority sons are sex atypical in their activities or

interests. At least an equal number are not particularly feminine, but neither
are they masculine-youths I label “unmasculine.”*In families with such
SONS AND FATHERS 175

sons, a father is not so much impressed by his son’s feminine behavior as
he is disappointed with his son’s failure to engage in classic masculine
behavior and to become involved with male peers, especially in athletic
activities. Fathers want their son to participate in competitive team sports,
and when he does not, they are disappointed. William was badgered by his
father, not because of his femininity but because he was not sufficiently
masculine, not suitably absorbed by sports. The effect on the father-son
relationship is to negate it; they have so little in common that they disengage
from each other.
In the following dyad, although the father appreciates his son’s accom-
plishments, he clearly would have been happier with a success or two in
masculine pursuits. The net effect is that a potentially positive relationship
did not develop.
V As a kid I was really very much a loner, and I would do sort of unboyish
things like read rather than doing sports. I was a very good student,
and I loved playing the violin and reading. I received a lot of praise
from my father about these things.
Eventually he sort of had problems with me being a loner, and he
persuaded me not to read as much. He never pressured me not to read,
but he was concerned I wasn’t involved enough in athletics. He kept
emphasizing it was the healthy thing, that I needed to run more, exercise.
He pressured me because h e wanted me to be strong and “be like a
man.” He kept pushing me into sports, but I was always sort of the last
chosen for about every sport there is on this planet. I knew I was
clumsy, and he knew this. Though he didn’t ridicule me for it, he made
disparaging remarks about it.
Fathers across all social classes and ethnic groups can withdraw from
their son’s life because he does not live up to masculine standards of behavior.
One Hispanic youth remembers that from an early age he frequently disap-
pointed his father; now they seldom interact.
V When I was 8 years old I was really not very masculine by Mexican
standards. I’ve memories of my father saying during arguments in Span-
ish, this word for faggot, and he basically said to quit acting like one.
He didn’t say I was one-just said quit acting like one. I hated PE
classes. It was the bane of my existence! I hated football, hated hockey,
hated basketball.
A self-described “working-class poor” youth recalled that he and his

father did not have a particularly close relationship. Despite the father’s
general lack of connection to his child, he frequently disparaged his son
for not being sufficiently masculine, beginning when the son was 5 years old.
V I was playing with the neighborhood kids in the trailer park, sort of
just the normal sex play-and there was lots of it. I remember Dad was
176 M O M , DAD.I’M GAY

making sort of a big deal because he caught us boys doing it. But actually,
at the time I did it with both sexes, but he taught me that it was more
naughty to do it with boys than with girls.
He’s always considered me a “weirdo” anyway because I didn’t do
all the male-type crap, like guns and sports. I read and went to concerts
with my grandma. I used to make beads and jewelry, and Dad always
commented about it because he didn’t like it. I stayed indoors too much,
like that means something about my sexuality! He called me a “faggot,”
but then Dad calls all his friends faggots, like he calls people “niggers.”
It’s just sort of shop-talk to him, part of having a blue collar.
So, in one last desperate attempt to make me heterosexual Dad
subscribed to the Playboy channel. Well it just so happened that the
first time I watched it was a male strip show, which I liked a lot. But
the second time I watched it was sort of soft heterosexual porn, and I
told him it was naughty.
Occasionally fathers and their sons have an excellent relationship that

is manifest in mutual respect and support. Harassment in these dyads is rare,
and the father accepts his son as is. About 10%ofthe father-son relationships
are of this nature. For example, after school one day a fifth grader approached
his father for support because classmates were calling him “fag” and “gay-
boy.” ‘(Soin tears I went to my father, who had always told me to defend
myself. I wanted to know what it meant, and he sort of nervously said it
meant nothing important.” A year later this same father learned that his
other son was gay and his daughter was lesbian. “So gay and lesbian issues
were very much within my family, but he still seemed to love us just as
much.” In junior high school, the younger son overheard his father telling
his mother that he wondered if the family was “three for three.”
V I didn’t seem to have any girlfriends or posters of girls up in my room.
I drank bottled water, and my male friends who came over insisted on
doing the dishes. He questioned if my friend was just a friend or a
boyfriend. He was always very curious about my very close relationship
with my friend, like one time he was walking past my room and looking
in when he was over.
He encourages me to meet more “people,” which I assume he means
girls. However, he did say “people.” I should be picking up girls right
now, but I never have, and he’s not saying anything. I guess his deepest
concern is that I do well in school, and so he never pressures me to
date. He only worries that I spend so much time alone. He wants me
to get out more with friends. I am sort of the best little boy in the world.
This range in the ways “pregay” sons and fathers relate, from physical
and emotional harassment, to disregard and discount, and to understanding

and support, is seldom recognized or acknowledged. The horror stories are
plentiful, leading some to wonder why any son would risk disclosing to his
father. Yet, many do and do so during their adolescent and young adult years.
WHETHER FATHERS ARE TOLD
A survey of 2,500 readers of the gay and lesbian news magazine The
Adoocate found that just under one half of gay and bisexual men had explicitly
disclosed to their father, most typically between the ages of 18 and 22 years.j
Many who had not come o u t believed their father had “figured it out” in
the absence of a direct disclosure. In research published since the late 1980s,
from 25% to nearly 60% of gay and bisexual youths had disclosed to their
father.4 This percentage is largest in data collected within the last 3 years,
reflecting a growing tendency for sons to disclose to their father during their
adolescent or young adult years, often while living at home.
The present study conforms to this pattern; 48% disclosed to their
father prior to being interviewed. In large part, this low percentage reflects
the nature of the relationship that young men have with their fathers prior
to coming out to them. One student leader who has been out for years, has
appeared in television documentaries, and was interviewed by the national
press finally came out to his divorced father, whom he rarely sees, because,
“I was so politically involved, I felt like a hypocrite if he didn’t know. I felt
like he should know from me.”
REASONS NOT TO TELL
Previous empirical research offers little to help us understand why

youths do or do not come out to their father. Popular literature suggests
that youths do not tell their father because they fear his negative reactions.
So, too, Nolan feared his father’s reactions-a man from the “old school”
in terms of cultural definitions of masculinity and family obligations-and
would not have disclosed had his mother not issued an ultimatum.
Although fear is a major reason for not disclosing in the present study,
endorsed by 1 in 4 youths, it is only one of the three primary reasons. In
addition, youths do not come out to their father simply because they do
not feel close to him. William has not disclosed to his father because they
share little in common; he is not an important person in William’s life. A
third major reason for withholding information is the feeling that the present
time is not the right developmental time in their relationship for him to
come out. Together, these three reasons account for 80% of all motives
youths give for not coming out.
1 78 M O M ,DAD. I’M GAY

Not Close
Nearly 3 in 10 youths delay coming out to their father because, similar
to William, they simply do not feel particularly close to him and thus have
little motivation to divulge this personal aspect of themselves. One youth
believes he might do so in the future, even though his father’s coldness
does not inspire him to share his life with him.
V He’s made his homophobic views clear. He’s not in my life. No way.
Never has been. You know, he’s the classic business-oriented, wealthy
dad. I don’t care if h e knows. Not worth the effort. I was a nerd, a
geek, not athletic. W e had nothing in common, ever. No sex talk, no
sports games. Nothing. He would make very rude comments to me or
say, “1 don’t want to know.” He really wasn’t muck involved in my life.
His approval just wouldn’t be there. He’s the only one who doesn’t know.
Not uncommonly, the father’s status as removed from the daily activi-
ties of the family is also perceived by other family members. One mother
attempted to convince her son to share with his father this critical aspect
about himself but the son refused, much to his mother’s dismay.
V I’m not really close to my dad, and I just don’t tell him personal things
in general. Actually, all of us kids felt distant from him, and this was
hard on Mom, so she kept her promise not to tell. I just never really
discuss sex with him at all. I never really want to have that kind of a
discussion with him.
Morn assured me they would pay for college and that she would see
to it that I was not kicked out of the house. I saw a counselor with her
my senior year in high school. I can remember my brother asking my
parents what was wrong with me. My dad is a very important person
in the community, and h e never has time for my problems.
He never suspected, even afrer I broke up with my girlfriend. He
decided I wasn’t one [gay] because I had been with her for so long.
He never really caught on to Tom or that I lived with lesbians my
sophomore year.
Sexual-minority sons often feel that they have been deprived of a
loving, supportive father. They desire intimacy and are saddened that they
do not have it. Perhaps fathers do not know about the longings of their
sons or perhaps they are simply unable or unwilling to provide intimacy.
Conversations with fathers would clarify their motivations and behaviors.
The following youth became teary-eyed when he spoke about his anger
toward his father; he also blames his father for making him gay.
V If he doesn’t know, then he’s just stupid. He’s just very blue collar. My
dad has always been very macho. He struts, he yells, he belches, h e
farts. He keeps asking me all the time if I’m dating or if I’ve been to a
whore. When he demanded that I date more, I ignored him; when he

told me to play more sports, I ignored him. I just felt like 1 was letting
him down, always. There’s no avenue for dialogue.
I’ve thought maybe I’m gay because I was never given a positive
male role model. My dad wasn’t around physically, emotionally, and I
never admired him as a decent human person. Maybe there’s some
genetic predisposition and circumstances that could do it to you early,
like having a nothing for a dad.
Despite this son’s animosity toward his father, it is also clear that he
wants more than he is receiving-greater acceptance, more support, and
less abuse. These desires reflect the feelings of many other sexual-minority
youths who fear the outcome of telling their father about their sexuality.
In particular, youths worry that by telling him they are gay, they will once
again be letting him down, thereby destroying any chance of establishing
a future relationship with him.
Belief that the present is not the most opportune time to disclose was
articulated by 1 in 4 youths. Often this is rooted in the trepidation that
the development of the father-son relationship would be irrevocably im-
paired with a disclosure. Not uncommonly such youths have grown up in
very religious homes. Issues of moral condemnation and eternal damnation
are linked with homosexuality. One youth remembers an incident a decade
earlier that continues to haunt him, serving as a reminder of why he cannot
tell his dad about his same-sex attractions.
V When I was 9, the family was watching a TV movie with two guys and
a homosexual scene, and Dad ordered me to leave the room. I wanted
to stay, begged to stay and watch. I was more than curious. He called
me into his room later that night and asked me if I knew why it was
wrong to be homosexual. He emphasized that he was not suggesting
that I was. He sat me down and asked me this question. I quoted the Bible
and said, “Because the anus was made for exit and not for entrance,” sort
of as a joke, but he didn’t laugh. He found this acceptable, and that
was that.
How could he not know! I just can’t tell him. He’s Catholic, and
my family just never talked about sex. I know how he’d react: “It’s
abnormal.” It’s a very controlling family. He wouldn’t understand. I’d
want t o make sure he’d accept me before I tell him.
Ethnic-minority youths often cite “not the right developmental time”

as a primary reason for failing to come out to their father. They want to
share this aspect of their life, but it would be difficult because their father’s
generation is deeply rooted in a native, traditional culture in which homosex-
uality and same-sex attractions are viewed as Western or White “degener-
180 M O M , DAD. I’M GAY.

acy.” They believe time will soften this view; youths also believe that once
they are financially independent of the family they will have more leeway
to conduct their own lifestyle. When a Chinese American youth was asked
if he had disclosed to his father, he practically shouted his answer.
V Hell, no! I’ll never tell him unless he asks. But I won’t lie to him-
but h e has to ask. My dad is a very traditional, conservative Chinese
man. He doesn’t like my long hair, my earrings, or my pierced eyebrow.
He doesn’t understand being gay except that it’s American and would
disgrace the family.
Although ethnic-minority sons often experience intense anxiety when

they disappoint their father, many believe that they will not be ousted from
the family. The family is of such paramount importance in many minority
homes that parents will do nearly anything to maintain its integrity. Indeed,
research indicates that although an ethnic-minority youth is less likely to
come out to his father than is a White youth, very few fear that once they
come out they will be rejected.’ Fathers might be disappointed and chastise
their son, but they will not throw him out of the home.
V He’s Spanish, and his family is very important to him, so 1 know he
wouldn’t reject me. He’s very career and money oriented, and I think
he would feel like this was a detriment to getting ahead. My need for
approval from my father, it’s a very strong need right now. I would like
to free myself by saying to him, “I’m gay.” But another part of me
doesn’t want to sort of push the issue right now. I think I might like
to tell him over the phone, probably at the same time as Mom, though
I think I have slight preference to tell him first, but definitely tell them
both on the same day.
Embedded in many of the narratives is a youth’s uncertainty of how

his father will react to his disclosure. Many do not feel that they know him
sufficiently to risk coming out, but their primary fear is that his reaction
will be, however mildly, negative. One convincing reason not to come out
is the anticipation, articulated by 25% of the youths, that they would face
negative repercussions. One critical concern is financial stability, especially
important for those dependent on family money for their college education.
Because c.ollege education is a luxury that parents are not obligated to fund,
some youths fear monetary support can be too easily revoked.
V Once I got in college there was a fear thar he would financially cut me
off, and I couldn’t pay for college. I don’t want to take them for a ride,
hut I need their support, so I don’t tell him. My father is not open to
sexuality. It’s a real hard dilemma for me. He asks me about women,

and I tell him that school and a career are priorities. I use that as a n
excuse for why I’m not seeing girls. I’ve been the model son, so he’s
not suspected. I’d like first to graduate and then be independent before
I tell.
Three youths express a realistic fear that if they were to disclose to

their father they would face extreme conflict, verbal abuse, and perhaps
physical violence or rejection. These infrequent reactions receive the most
media and research attention and thus are often erroneously assumed to
characterize the relations most gay sons have with their father.
V I almost told him once, but he’s very homophobic, and h e actually
believes gays are members of a secret society that recruits people. I’d
always sort of challenge him when he’d say those idiotic things, and at
one point I asked him how h e would feel if I told him I was gay. He
raised his fists, got red in the face, and sputtered some nonsense.
After that Mom forbade me to teil him. Once he said in a joke that
if h e ever found out I was gay he would shoot me. He’s a firm believer
in hell and eternal damnation. I actually agreed in not telling him. It’s
very difficult to argue with my father because h e can get so unpredictable.
He uses “faggot” in every other sentence. He uses it especially to mean
anything that is slightly effeminate. I remember once h e was enraged,
violently angry when he caught me doing sexual things with a boy.
He’s very concerned with “inappropriate” behavior.
Although one youth knows his father will not hit him, he does not
want to create the scene that will likely follow a disclosure.
V He would throw a fit. He would break chairs and everything. He’s in
very big denial. This is a very big Korean thing to do if you are a man.
There’s very little communication between us. We don’t talk about
personal issues, only financial ones.
A youth might desire not to hurt or disappoint his father or believe

that their relationship cannot tolerate the information. These could be
connected with a fear of his reactions or a conviction that now is not the
most appropriate time to come out. Many narratives are complex, offering
numerous reasons why a youth has not yet disclosed.
V I know that if I told him it would break his heart. Telling him would
destroy our relationship, or h e would look at me differently, more from
a distance-he would distance himself from me. I would have the worst
feeling in my stomach, that I had let him down.
An equal number of gay and bisexual sons have come out to their
father. The following section focuses on what motivates youths to share
their sexual identity with their father.

REASONS TO TELL
Interviewed youths seldom provide elaborate explanations for revealing

their sexuality to their father. In many circumstances the disclosure appears
to be poorly planned or occurs “by accident.” Two reasons for coming out
are commonly given, constituting nearly 60% of the total:
1 T o garner support or to establish a more intimate relationship:
“I was having a rough time in school, and I wanted the kind
of close relationship I’ve always dreamed of having with him.”
In response to being forced into disclosure by someone else or
circumstances: “Mom said she’d tell him if I didn’t.” “He found
my porn, and so I had to tell him the truth.”
Perhaps equally noteworthy is the absence from this list of the major
reason youths give for disclosing to their mother: She asks because she
suspects from their sex-atypical mannerisms and interests. Although a father
may notice the same behaviors, either he seldom draws the link between
them and his son’s same-sex identity or he does but chooses not to confront
his son with their meaning. In either case, this omitted confrontation likely
reflects the poor prior relationship the two shared during the son’s childhood
and adolescence.
To Elicit Support
Consistent with the most popular reason for disclosing to a father,
Pete wants a confidante, someone with whom he can share his distress and
concerns and receive the understanding and support he needs. Thus, once
he had conclusively decided that he was gay, he shared it with his father,
with assistance from two friends. Another youth sought relief from depression
by disclosing to his father. He recalls a time when they were closer and
hopes that renewed intimacy will buoy him.
V I wanted his support and to tell him what was going on, especially after
my bovfriend and me broke up. He kept badgering me about what was
wrong, what was the problem. So 1 decided to tell him to build up our
relationship again. I hate keeping secrets from him, and I wanted to
feel close to him. I felt we were drifting apart since I had gone away
to college.
Some sons believe that their father already knows but, as distinct from
their mother who is likely to ask “the question,” the father has not yet
broached the subject. He might be embarrassed, not know how to talk about
it, or believe it is none of his business. Or, the unstated but speculated
“issue” might need the right impetus to push it into explicitness. Often it
SONS AND FATHERS i a3

is the son’s personal development, including his need for advice about a
budding same-sex romantic relationship, that is the catalyst for disclosure.
V My father had actually been waiting for me to tell for quite awhile. He
was clinging to every aspect of women I might bring up. He hung on
every word, and when I talked about a girl he would ask if she was
“special” to me. I played along, talking with him about women. He also
went out with women and talked about it incessantly to me. It was like
a male bonding thing, I guess, some heterosexual thing. Then it came
to a point in my relationship with my boyfriend that I needed some
help, and I felt terrible about lying. So I just told him.
Outed by Another
By contrast, Nolan represents the second most common reason. He
had no desire to disclose to his father but was forced by circumstances to
reveal the nature of his sexual desires. So, too, if William’s father is ever
told it will be by accident or because William no longer cares what his
father thinks or how he will react. Frequently, it is the boy’s mother who
“forces” the issue.
V If it had been my choice, I wouldn’t never have told him. But Mom,
she wasn’t happy having me keep this secret from him. She said it
placed her in a half-ass backward position and that I’d have to or she
would. That would have been okay with me, but she said I had to do
it. So I did. And that was that, and it kept peace in the family.
In contrast to the primary reasons young men come out to their

mother-because they seek authenticity within themselves and in the rela-
tionship they share with her and because she beats them to the point, asking
about their sexuality before they offer the information-few youths note
either of these dynamics as motivation for disclosing to their father. It is
as if a son has given up hope of ever establishing an honest relationship
with his father. It would be a worthy goal, but in the meantime he pursues
a more limited and practical objective-to garner a modicum of support-
or he has no choice because his mother has already told his father.
WHEN AND HOW FATHERS ARE TOLD
Investigations of sexual-minority male youths have generally found

that most disclose to their father after their mother. This may be minutes
or years later. In one study of support group adolescents, over 60% first told
their mother; another 25% told their parents together, leaving about 10%
who told their father before their mother.6 Percentages in the present study

are remarkably similar: 62% of male youths first disclose to their mother,
26% tell their parents together, and 12% come out to their father before
their mother.
The most frequently articulated reason for this maternal preference is
the closer relationship sons have with their mother. They thus believe that
her reactions will be more moderate than their father’s response and that
he will be less likely to understand their life circumstances. Additionally,
it should not be surprising that in relatively few cases is a father the first
person to whom a youth discloses his sexual orientation. In the present
investigation, no youth disclosed to his father before friends.
A question not always posed in empirical investigations is the age at
which a youth comes out to his father. Several recent studies report that
the age averages between 17 and 20 years, considerably younger than previous
cohorts of youths but months to years after a young man discloses to his
first person, usually a best friend. This may be because sexual-minority youths
expect their friends to be more supportive than their father.7
The young men I interviewed disclosed, on average, just after their
19th birthday. More meaningful than this group average is the wide range
of ages at which disclosure occurs, illustrating one diversity aspect of the
coming-out process. For example, Pete was 17 and Nolan was 20, but
William, age 22, had not yet disclosed. One youth told his father at the
beginning of junior high school; another youth, age 25, had not disclosed
at the time of the interview-and had no plans to do so any time soon.
“I’m not so sure I’ll ever tell him. He’s very old, and he’s gotten very morbid
about his upcoming death, so why make it worse!” Some of the youths I
interviewed may never come out to their father.
Direct Disclosure
Disclosure can occur through a direct statement initiated by a son or

a confirination of a question posed by a father or by numerous indirect
means. Many fathers in one study learned about their son’s sexuality only
after their wife informed them.8 In general, fathers are more frequently
indirectly than directly informed, perhaps because many fathers and sons
rarely discuss personal issues of any nature. For example, youths attending
an urban support group were less likely to openly discuss their sexual orienta-
tion with their father (44%) than with their mother (68%), a finding
consistent with earlier studies.’
Of interviewed youths out to their father, the majority disclose directly,
either at their initiative or in response to a direct question from him. In
many face-to-face disclosures, the son is fairly confident in advance that
his father will be supportive-perhaps even fairly certain that his father
already knows. Otherwise, he would have taken a different tactic.

V My father’s brother was gay and died of AIDS 3 years ago. My father
was always accepting of him and never rejecting. He was an artist and
lived in Florida. He stayed with us for awhile while he was sick.
So it was inevitable that I was going to tell him after this. During
the month after he died I wrote the secret letter to my brother telling
him why I was so depressed. My father kept asking me what was wrong,
what was in the letter, and didn’t I have something to tell him. So I
told him during supper that I’m bisexual. He was not surprised, but I
broke down in tears, like I was confessing. I wish I had been stronger.
Although rare, several fathers, similar to their wives, became aware

of their son’s sexuality during his adolescent years and asked him “the
question.” One high school student directly replied affirmatively to his
father, who seemed surprised by his own question.
V In terms of my stepfather, it got to the point when I stayed with them
on college breaks that I would go into town and not go back to the
house on the weekend. He began to wonder what I was doing, so I told
him that I was at a bar, which was not a lie, and he asked me, “So
does that mean you’re gay?” I said I had tried both ways, but think I’m
gay. So when he brought up homosexuality and I confirmed it, well he
wasn’t really prepared and became flustered. I had no real intent on
talking about it, but he brought it up.
Indirect Disclosure
Nearly all indirect disclosures are instances in which someone else

told the youth’s father. Usually this is the youth’s mother, often without
the youth’s consent or knowledge. Nolan told his mother, who then, against
his will, shared this information with his father. Others, such as Pete, who
had the “assistance” of friends, are outed by friends, siblings, or ex-boyfriends.
Although Pete’s friends had his best interests in mind when they approached
his parents to express their apprehensions about his mental health, indirect
methods often have potential negative repercussions.
For example, when a son discovers, as some inevitably do, that his
father has known for years but has never broached the issue with him, the
relief he feels of not having to say the words directly to his father can be
overridden by feelings of frustration and anger. The following adolescent
was angry at his father for not telling him that he already knew about the
son’s same-sex attractions.
V I had always wondered if h e knew or suspected. Like one time when I

was 8 or 9 I overheard him saying to his father, my grandfather, that
he thought I might grow up to be gay. So h e really already knew,
because Mom told him; h e just chose to pretend not to know. It makes
I86 MOM, DAD. I’M GAY.

me angry because then I would not have agonized so terribly long about
the decision of whether to tell him.
Finally, a son might be uncertain whether he ever really disclosed to

his father. He speaks about other issues that lead to an inference about his
sexual orientation, or he speciously assumes that the words have been spoken
or implied and that his father knows, whereas in fact the youth is simply
speaking or acting in ways that do everything but say the words, “Hey Dad,
I’m gay!”
V I was feeling really anxious about getting AIDS because I had let this
guy penetrate me without a condom, and I was feeling really scared
and guilty because I knew better than to be sexually active. I tested
negative, and I was so relieved that I had to tell somebody, and so I
told Father I was HIV negative. He then concluded, later I found out,
that I was gay, though he actually never directly asked about it, and I
never really told him. But after that point everyone just assumed he
knew, including me.
V He has to know! My gay friends were over at Thanksgiving when we
had partied, and h e must have suspected it because several were really
camping it up. 1 collect gay porn, and my father saw it at one point
when I was 16.
I’be never really talked with him about sex, but over Spring Break
last year we did, and he asked me about my friends last Thanksgiving.
I said that about 90% of them are into gay sex, so I guess he got the
hint! W e never spoke about it other than that, but he told me not to
tell my mother “anything” about myself until after my brother’s wedding.
Youths who have not disclosed often develop contingency plans for
outing themselves or with coping with their father’s reactions if the topic
ever comes up. If William decides to come out to his father, then his strategy
is to simply allow him to figure it out from the evidence in his “gay-friendly”
apartment, with gay-oriented posters, magazines, and pins. Not uncommonly,
if their father asks, they will tell him directly, as do most gay and bisex-
ual youths.
V My father lives in Brazil and never married my mother. His sisters know
because I told them. So, I assume in some ways that he knows. We
talk every 2 weeks on the phone about business. If he asks me, then
I’ll tell him, but he never brings up the topic of my girlfriends or even
his girlfriends.
Accidental Means
Another means of disclosure are “accidental” events in which a youth

does not intend to disclose, but does. One youth was sharing his story with

his mother, with the intent of telling his father at a later point, when his
father unexpectedly walked into the kitchen and overheard the conversation.
Another youth was planning with a lesbian friend over the telephone that
they would take each other “to do this prom thing,” and then split afterward
to be with their same-sex dates. His father picked up the extension and
understood the implications of their plan. “He told me at that point to
hang up because he didn’t want to hear this. I almost ran away from home
while walking the dog that night while he was asleep.”
Although it is conceivable that fathers “know” by intuition their son’s
homoeroticism but never speak directly to him about it, this number is
likely to be small because so few fathers have such intimate knowledge of
their son. Facts about their son likely originate from their wife or the
association they make with the son’s femininity or lack of standard mascu-
line behaviors.
When and how gay and bisexual sons disclose depends to a large degree
on the reaction they expect from their father. Sons hold stereotypes about
what will befall them if they were to disclose to the “master of the house,”
as one youth phrased it.
FATHERS’ INITIAL REACTIONS
Several research studies suggest sons believe that their father will be
less supportive of their homosexuality than will be their friends, siblings,
or mother.” However, it is not clear whether fathers necessarily respond
with more negative fervor and abuse than do mothers. Indeed, sons’ fears
about coming out may be overgeneralized from stereotypes they hold, al-
though relatively little is known because few research studies explicitly assess
initial reactions to disclosure. One small sample of young adults and parents
(not of the young adults) reported mixed findings regarding which parent
reacted the worst. Fathers were more likely than mothers to initially deny
their child’s same-sex attractions and to reject their child as a result; however,
they were less likely to respond with anger and guilt and were equally likely
as mothers to report feeling shame and to eventually acknowledge the child’s
sexual status.”
Of 105 fathers who belonged to a P-FLAG group, the most common
initial reaction to their child (sex of child unspecified), endorsed by two
thirds of the fathers, was “afraid for child,” followed by “sorry” and “sad.”
Reiatively rare feelings were “glad,” “sick about it,” “angry to be told,” and
“did not matter.”“ Several research studies have shown that youths who
have not disclosed their sexual identity to their father expect a more negative
reaction than that received by those who have disclosed. In one, nearly
two thirds of nondisclosers expected their father to be intolerant or rejecting,

which is considerably higher than the generally neutral reactions of fathers
who were told. Relatively few youths, around 5%, expressed fear that they
would suffer physical harm from their father or would be thrown out of the
home if they were to be more open about their sexuality.”
Expected and Actual Reactions
Youths in the present sample expected a more negative reaction if

they were to disclose to their father than that received by those who had
come out. Though this may reflect fears of those who have yet to disclose
their scariest secret, it might also characterize a nonrepresentative subset
of youths coping with an unfortunate reality-an uncompromising father
who will not respond well to the disclosure.The mean expectation is between
“he could deal with it” and “he would make negative comments, saying it
was just a phase.” The range is wide, from a projected full support to one
youth who cannot imagine disclosing to his fundamentalist father, “He can’t
even say the word!” The son dreads a tumultuous reaction, “He’d blame
himself, and then I’d feel guilty.”
William believes his father would simply ignore the issue or react
calmly to the revelation. Similarly, other youths anticipate a mild reaction.
One youth plans to tell his open-minded father within the next couple
of years.
V I’m not sure what he knows about gay people, though. I don’t expect
him to give me much support, nor do I think he will overreact because
he knows me well enough to know that I would not do anything corrupt
o r horrible. He’d just be silent and then we’d never talk about it again-
which is fine with me.
Of course sons can also incorrectly predict how their father will react.
This misattribution can be in either direction-anticipating a father to
react better or worse than he really would. My sense is that this is far more
common in the relations sons have with their fathers than with their
mothers, largely because youths have relatively little knowledge about what
their father knows or feels about homosexuality. He is a mystery to them,
and quite often they project their own internalized homophobia onto their
father-or they are familiar with the dreadful stories recounted in the popular
coming-out literature and assume they will be one of the “statistics.”
Alternatively, youths might feel so positively about their total coming-
out process, receiving support and exclamations of joy from friends (and
perhaps even their mother), that they mistakenly believe their father will
share in the ecstasy of their discovery. The following youth had not initially
anticipated that his father would react in a negative, stereotypic manner.
His father, who apparently did not have the long-standing “suspicions”that

all other family members had, was shocked by the news and underwent a
period of denial, believing his son was only going through a phase or was
merely experimenting. The son knew his father would be accepting and
was thus surprised when he abruptly said, “I’ll put your mother on [the
phone] now.”
V I didn’t really understand his punt at first, and then later he kept
trying to talk me out of it. He felt very uncomfortable with it and felt
uncomfortable with hugging me. He sort of tried to brush it off; dismissed
it by simply saying I was experimenting.
Later that night he argued that he thought I was only making a
choice. That I was choosing this gay life, and he couldn’t understand
why I would choose a life that would be more difficult for me. I just
kept telling him that this was not a choice. He still feels I’m straight
and that this was just a one-time occasion.
Much to the surprise of many sexual-minority youths, fathers react in

a less negative manner than do mothers. The most common reaction (40%
of all fathers who know) is of support; two thirds respond in the “supportive”
to “slightly negative” range. Many youths agree with a youth who stated,
“Their reactions were the opposite of what I expected. My father was very
good about it. He’s not given me any shit over it. Mom went ballistic!” His
father, trying to hold the family together, “calmed Mom down and was
supportive in his own way, although to this day he has not talked about
his feelings.”
Although most fathers prefer heterosexual sons, the vast majority ap-
pear willing to parent a gay or bisexual son. For example, prior to his son’s
disclosure, Pete’s father long suspected he had a gay child. Once this was
acknowledged by his son, he calmly accepted this fact and engaged his son
in an all-night conversation. His greatest fear was that he might have been
responsible for creating his son’s same-sex attractions.
Indeed, what might appear to be an initially negative reaction may
reflect a father’s struggle to process his disappointment and lost dreams for
his child. Or, he may blame himself for not being a better masculine or
heterosexual role model. For these fathers, a self-centered emotional state
conflicts with how they know they should behave if they truly love their
son. Two weeks after telling his best friend, one youth decided it was time
to come out to his father. Although this was devastating news to him, the
father was committed to maintaining their good relationship.
V He had his face in his hands and was silent. He seems to keep a lot
inside. He said he knew something was going on, but he didn’t know

what it was. The fact of my being gay had crossed his mind, but he was
hoping that was not it. He was supportive, as he always has been, even
though he had all the stereotypes. He said it’s okay with him, and he
would support me. He swallowed hard-he knew this to be the truth.
Initially he was not willing to discuss my homosexuality, and he
certainly has not been willing to inquire about anything. I bought him
[the book] Now That You Know. Actually, he has started going to
P-FLAG. He was most uncomfortable with the sexual aspect of it.
Negative lnitial Reactions
These positive reactions are in marked contrast to Nolan’s father’s

response who, in a state of extreme agitation, reacted in a reckless, violent
fashion. This is the only father among the youths I interviewed who reacted
with rejection or physical attack. No youth was evicted from the home,
although Nolan’s father physically assaulted him. Fewer than 15% of fathers
responded in a manner approaching the negative, punishing behavior of
Nolan’s father.
Although few could rival Nolan’s father in terms of emotionality, some
fathers are quite shocked by the knowledge that they have a gay son. One
in five asserts that his son is just playing a game and can be made straight.
O n e son reports that h e received a n emotional lecture from his father
regarding how “unnatural” homosexuality is to God, the family, and society.
V My dad’s face turned white. He was shocked. His eyes were wide open,
and he took a very patronizing approach. I said it is just a part of me,
a long-standing aspect that I can’t change. To that he said, “God created
AIDS and homosexuals to prove that homosexuality was wrong” and
then he gave Liberace as an example. He said it was wrong and how
could I do this to him. He refused ta talk to me and told me to get out
of hi$ sight. He went into a state of depression, and so did I.
He just can’t cope with me nor following in his footsteps. He’s a
medical doctor, and yet all this is very much an emotional reaction,
not a professional one. A week later he tried to start another discussion,
but I refused to stay around for this kind of lecture, so we haven’t talked
ahout: it since.
Horror stories aside, fathers generally do not react with violence or

abuse. Far more fathers than not respond positively, or at least tolerate their
son’s sexual status. Few want to lose their son, although many do not know
what to say or how to offer support. Their stories are seldom heard or
recognized in the literature.
However, many youths also express ambivalence about whether they
want t o talk about their sexuality and sexual identity with their father. So
few have a history of intimate, sexual discussions with him that, although

they prefer acknowledgment and acceptance, they do not wish to engage
their father in an in-depth exploration of their sexuality. They are not quite
sure that they sufficiently trust him with this most personal information.
Other than the current state of the relationship and perhaps the father’s
initial reaction to the disclosure, empirical information about the father-
sexual-minority son relationship virtually ends here. Among the interviewed
youths, the relationship fathers and sons have after disclosure ranges from
complete alienation and ongoing conflict to emotional and verbal support.
Pete felt sustained by his father after their confrontation, and they have
continued to talk about Pete’s same-sex attractions, identity, experiences,
and loves over the past several years. This level of interest and support is
rare, but their story does confirm its occurrence. Even more exceptional are
cases in which fathers engage in political activities to better the social
conditions that sexual minorities encounter in Western culture. Equally
singular are the reactions of Nolan’s father, who essentially placed his son
under house arrest and threatened him with physical harm and conversion.
Their relationship has improved slightly but may never fully recover from
things said during the tumultuous period following Nolan’s disclosure.
The most common consequence of coming out is simply the continua-

tion of the relationship the father and son previously shared, essentially
ignoring the “gay issue” whenever possible. Forty percent of all dyadic
relationships are unchanged following the initial disclosure. One youth,
who represents many others, reports that his father responded by “loving
me no matter what because I was his son. But that was the last word ever
spoken about it. He really just didn’t want to deal with it.” He was initially
more optimistic because his father had responded so well, but over time he
has had to face the reality of his father’s seeming indifference.
V Now that I’m dating this one guy you’d think he’d have t o face the
issue a little bit more forcefully than ever before. Well, he just ignores
everything and treats my boyfriend like he was a casual friend. I can’t
see that anything is that different from a year ago.
Nearly as common as the “no effect” outcome is improved communica-

tion in the father-son dyad. Among these pairings, disclosure initiates
I92 MOM, DAD.I’M GAY.

increased expressions of interest and an overall deepening of the relationship.
This is the state most youths hope will occur and a substantial number,
nearly 4 in 10, are not disappointed. T h e following youth exemplifies
this progression.
V Realistically, compared to other fathers I’ve heard about, it’s been good.
I feel like we have greater depth in our relationship. I gave him a book
to read, talked about the Bible and so forth, and communicated real
well. He was very rational, not at all emotional, and very scientific about
it. Eventually he seemed very calm about it and then very supportive. As
long as I loved God and God loved me then it was okay. We can now
talk about it, and he is much more accepting these days, and I feel I
have a much stronger bond with him than with my mother. He allows
me to show affection to my male friends, and we can also talk about
it. He’s dealt with it sensibly.
Even a t times when a son expects his father to explode in anger and
reject him, the coming-out process can be educative and transforming of
the relationship. A Puerto Rican father had stereotypic notions of “homosex-
uals” and had routinely labeled them as perverts. Once he discovered that
his son was one of these “depraved debauchees,” the outcome was quite
disparate from the son’s expectations.
V He had lots of stereotypes, like it’s okay to fuck a guy but don’t get
fucked, and I don’t get fucked! At first he thought I wanted to be like
a woman, and he did not raise a son to be a daughter. He also believes
that it homosexual is a female in a male’s body, but actually the talk
brought us closer together. He’s been, however, disappointed in me
because I’m not into sports, tools-and-die, and everything, but I know
he loves me and he says it.
This enhancement of their relationship can result from a father’s

misperception about the son’s future sexuality. In particular, bisexual sons
frequently face a unique dilemma, especially if they express any interest in
women. Their father may only initially support the relationships the son
develops with women and ignore or discourage the son’s homoeroticism.
Believing that bisexuals can choose to be straight, he does not want to
“give up” on his son or his potential to become “heterosexual-like.” This
heterosexist belief-that heterosexuality is better, more natural, safer, more
desirable than homosexuality-permeates their interactions, often causing
stress until the son unambiguously clarifies his sexuality. After disclosing
his bisexuality to his father, one youth feels that his father does not really
believe the extent to which he is attracted to maIes.
V In college I dated a female for two and a half years, so he now thinks
I’m straight. But I wonder since he’s rather a smart man. He loved
Christie and was always talking about her and asking how things were

going. Of course he’d back off if I challenged him on what he was
doing. He’d never ask about my gay side or guys I liked. Maybe he’d
acknowledge them and then not follow up.
When another bisexual youth dated a female classmate, his father
concluded that his son was heterosexual again-that “it was all a big phase.”
He was especially jubilant when his son’s new roommate was a woman. He
did not know she was a lesbian. Bisexual youths may thus feel accepted by
their father only if they act on the straight side of their bisexuality. As
such, this “conditional” upswing in their dyadic interactions feels tentative,
constricted, and false.
In relatively few circumstances does the father-son relationship be-

come so severely impaired that it ceases to function. In these cases, relations
prior to the disclosure were more than likely unhealthy. Ten percent of all
youths report that the father-son relationship declines after coming out.
One son struggled with his father for years over his grades, his friends, his
clothes. They cohabited under conditions of a tightly monitored cease-
fire by the youth’s mother. The father’s response to discovering his son’s
homosexuality was to assume he was trying to punish him-trying to even
the score-and was a reflection of his son’s immature rebelliousness. From
the moment the son, in anger, told his father that he was “queer,” they
fought and yelled and then completely avoided each other.
From initial to subsequent reactions, relatively little appears to change
in the majority of father-son relationships. Most of those that do undergo
transition get better; only a few become worse. In anticipation of coming
out to their father, sons may envision the best of all possible outcomes-
that the two share a sexual identity. Then the son would be fully understood!
Although such situations might afford the youth considerable support, it
can also evoke a deterioration in communication and affection if the father
is jealous or envious of the lifestyle his son is living. Being raised in a more
repressive environment or time when his own same-sex attractions were
stifled, the father may well have had to make the “supreme sacrifice’’-to
forgo his sexuality to live an “acceptable lifestyle.” He may resent his son
for being able to live a life prohibited to him.
WHEN FATHERS HAVE SAME-SEX ATTRACTIONS
Having a closeted gay father can present unique challenges. The pres-
ence of a “gay dad,” a striking feature of family life for some gay sons, is
seldom if ever discussed in the literature. Yet, of the nearly 100 young gay

and bisexual men whom I have interviewed during the last several years,
slightly over 10%know or strongly suspect that their father is gay or bisexual,
has “homosexual tendencies,” has engaged in sex with other men (usually
in college), or is a “homosexual in denial.”
Suggestions about the father’s possible homoeroticism often comes, in
confidence, from the boy’s mother. One youth’s parents never married, and
since his birth his father has never had girlfriends or spoken about female
friends. “He’s very good-looking, and he’s 42. Mom and I both think he’s
gay. He never dated after my mother, and he seems to really have a funny
relationship with other males.”
Sons also deduce their father’s sexuality when numerous closely related
kin are gay in the father’s family. Many of these same youths note that
their father has a number of characteristics they believe typify gay men and
conclude that he must be the genetic bearer of their same-sex attractions.
V He tends to have very strong friendships with other males, and he really
appreciates the beauty of the male body. His father is very effeminate
and has feminine interests. He has a gay brother, and he has an uncle,
or something like that, who I think is gay. His family forced him to
marry, and shortly thereafter he committed suicide. And several of my
cousins I’ve had sex with, so I suspect them as well.
This attribution of homosexuality to paternal influences occurs for

both nature and nurture reasons. When asked why he thought he was gay,
one youth concluded that his father was largely responsible.
V I wonder sometimes if he’s gay, and my mother has actually told me
that she suspects he might be. I do blame him. Maybe just that he
wasn’t a good father, and so I rejected masculinity because of the model
he presented to me.
I think it’s probably both genetic and environmental. He comes from
a long line of unmarried men and mysterious deaths, and he raised me
as a distant father. I had a sense of my sexuality very early on, and so
this makes it sort of nature. O n the nurture part, it’s my circumstances
with my father that helped to make this natural thing develop. I had
a physically absent father, sort of emotionally absent from me.
Other indicators that generate suspicions among sons are fathers who
become overly upset with the son’s homosexuality, have obsessions with
masculinity, or are excessively focused on gay issues. One son has not
disclosed to his “closeted gay dad” because of his virulent verbal attacks on
gay people.
V I think my father must have tendencies. He’s very homophobic. I don’t
know about his own sexual development; maybe he had some bad
sexual experiences-or some good ones! Sometimes I wonder about
him because he’s so homophobic, macho. He always seems to assume

people are gay, like me and my brother. He always seems to have gay
on his mind, and he spends all his time at the health club.
Occasionally, a seemingly typical, decent father-son relationship is
irrevocably breached, from the youth’s perspective, because of the father’s
unexpectedly negative reactions to his son’s same-sex attractions. One such
relationship had always been rather formal, but because the father was
educated at a liberal institution, the son felt that he would handle the news
in an enlightened manner. The youth’s only explanation for his father’s
subsequent emotional abandonment was the father’s envy of his son’s free-
dom to fully embrace his sexuality.
V I told him I was nervous telling him because I wasn’t sure of his reaction.
He took it very well, but then he still took it very hard. My father was
very, very intellectual about it. He kept trying to say that it was a
diagnosis [pathological disorder] and that I ought to reconsider it for
my career’s sake. Then that was it. W e have not spoken since. When
I come home h e makes sure he’s o u t of town or at the office.
Mom said she wondered if my father might be slightly bisexual. She
thinks maybe in college he experimented around with gay sex and that
he is just repressing his homosexual side. It was the ’ ~ O Sand
, he had
this friend in a commune, and they’d all sleep together in the same
bed, a water bed no less. He grew very attached to this guy who was
injured during the Chicago riots, or protest, or whatever it was, and
then disappeared in San Francisco. I was named after him, actually.
No youth recounts a life with an openly gay or bisexual father. Many
yearn for such models or circumstances but know it can occur only in their
fantasies. For those with a “suspected” gay father, nothing in the narratives
suggests that relations with him are better or that he is more accepting and
understanding once they come out to him. Indeed, the limited evidence indi-
cates the opposite-homoerotic-oriented fathers appear strikingly put off by
their gay son. Perhaps the son’s articulated homoeroticism reminds these fa-
thers of that which they have suppressed,denied, or concealed for many years.
A FINAL WORD
Gay and bisexual youths report that their father is slightly more accept-
ing of them after the initial disclosure than is their mother. This counterintu-
itive finding may well reflect a selection bias-those who are out to their
father first made sure he would react well. That is, perhaps youths who have
not come out have not done so because they realistically fear that their
father will react in a disapproving fashion.
Many sexual-minority sons do not have as intimate or caring of a
relationship with their father as they would like. In this regard they may be
196 M O M ,DAD. I’M GAY

n o different than many other youths reared in 20th-century North America.
Regardless of sexual orientation, male youths often describe their father
as a distant, authority figure who rarely provides emotional guidance or
e n ~ o u r a g e m e n t .Indeed,
’~ the one characteristic about their father that most
gay and bisexual sons want to change is this absence of physical and emo-
tional closeness. In one empirical study, having a satisfying relationship
with relatively little contact with their father predicted positive self-evalua-
tion among gay and bisexual youths.”
Few youths report in their narratives a deeply felt, complex, and loving
relationship with their father. By disclosing to him this most intimate, secret
facet of themselves, they hope to initiate a process that will strengthen
the father--son relationship. They want all previous misunderstandings and
battles to become relics that pass, at worse, into subliminal awareness. They
want to receive healing and empathy from this man; they believe they
deserve a father in their life but are ambivalent whether they want their
father to play this role. Others do not disclose because they fear that by
coming out they will destroy any future chance of developing a positive,
healthy relationship with their father.
Perhaps most surprising, fathers do not customarily react negatively
t o the disclosure-certainly not as horribly as imagined by many gay and
bisexual youths. Not uncommonly, fathers react, to their child’s horror,
with indifference. For these fathers, the coming out hardly registers a blip.
It is a benign event. Perhaps the father already suspects his son’s sexuality
t o the point that he “knows,” or their relationship is so impaired and of
such minor connectedness that this one additional disappointment matters
little. It is my impression that many gay and bisexual sons ache for a genuine
relationship with a father (perhaps theirs); most have given up and have
settled for what they had prior to the disclosure, whether that be nonemo-
tional, distant, polite, guarded, or sentimental.
ENDNOTES
’ Bell, A. P., Weinberg, M. S., 6,Hammersmith, S. K. (1981). Sexual prefer-

‘ Chapter 2 in Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998). “ . . . and then I became gay”:
Young men’s stories. New York: Routledge.
’ Lever, J. (1994, August 23). Sexual revelations. The Adoocate, pp. 17-24.
See review of this literature in Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998). The disclosure
to their families of same-sex attractions by lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths. Journal
of Research on Adolescence, 8, 49-68.
’This literature is reviewed in Savin-Williams, R. C. (1996). Ethnic- and
sexual-minority youth. In R. C. Savin-Williams 6,K. M. Cohen (Eds.), The lives

of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals: Children to adults (pp. 152-165). Fort Worth, TX:
Harcourt Brace College.
D’Augelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
American Journal of Community Psychology, 21, 42 1-448.
D’Augelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
CA; Rotheram-Borus, M. J., Rosario, M., & Koopman, C. (1991). Minority youths
at high risk: Gay males and runaways. In M. E. Colten & S. Gore (Eds.), Adolescent
stress: Causes and consequences (pp. 181-200). New York: Aldine DeGruyter; Savin-
Williams, R. C. (1990). Gay and lesbian youth: Expressions of identity. Washington,
DC: Hemisphere; and Sears, J. T. (1991). Growing up gay in the South: Race, gender,
and journeys of the spirit. Binghampton, NY: Harrington Park Press.
Remafedi, G. ( 1987). Male homosexuality: The adolescent’s perspective.
Pediatrics, 79, 326-330.
’ DAugelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
American Journal of Community Psychology, 21, 421-448. See also Bell, A. P., &
Weinberg, M. S. (1978). Homosexualities: A study ofdiversity amongmen and women.
New York: Simon & Schuster.
l o See research by Cramer, D. W., & Roach, A. I. (1988). Coming out to
mom and dad: A study of gay males and their relationships with their parents.
Journal ofHomosexuality, 15, 79-91; D’Augelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993).
Lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth in community settings: Personal challenges and
mental health problems. American Journal of Community Psychology, 2 1 , 42 1-448;
and Herdt, G., & Boxer, A. (1993). Children of Horizons: How gay and lesbian teens
are leading a new way out of the closet. Boston: Beacon Press.
‘ I Ben-Ari, A. (1995). The discovery that an offspring is gay: Parents’, gay
l 2 Robinson, B. E., Walters, L. H., & Skeen, P.(1989). Response of parents
I’ DAugelli, A. R., & Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
American Journal of Community Psychology, 21, 421-448; Herdt, G., & Boxer, A.
(1993). Children of Horizons: How gay and lesbian teens are leading a new way out of
the closet. Boston: Beacon Press; and Pilkington, N. W., & D’Augelli, A. R. (1995).
Victimization of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth in community settings. Journal of
Community Psychology, 23, 34-56.
l 4 Larson, R., & Richards, M. (1994). Divergent realities: The emotional lives of
mothers, fathers, and adolescents. New York: Basic Books.
’’ Savin-Williams, R. C. (1990). Gay and lesbian youth: Expressions of identity.

NEGOTIATING HEALTHY
RELATIONSHIPS AMONG
FAMILY MEMBERS
From the perspective of a differential developmental trajectories ap-

proach discussed in chapter 2, coming out to parents occurs within the
general context of adolescent development and the unique relationships
that youths have with their parents. Many issues confronted by sexual-
minority youths and their parents parallel ones that challenge heterosexual
youths, consistent with the first tenet.
I . Sexual-minority youths are similar to all adolescents in their basic
developmental processes and needs.
Regardless of sexual orientation, many adolescents struggle to renegoti-
ate their childhood relations with parents. For some, it is a major undertaking;
for others, the give-and-take is seamless and relatively uneventful. Whether
the issue is when to do homework, whether to stay out with friends, or how
to date, parents frequently feel compelled to offer advice or to establish
what they feel is expectable and unacceptable behavior. Adolescents, how-
ever, seldom welcome such unsolicited guidance or strict regulation.
Sexual-minority youths desire and need the love of their parents. Some
fear that the disclosure of same-sex attractions or identity will exacerbate
tensions along preexisting fault lines. To what extent will they remain
attached to parents? Must they now bargain for their assurance and support?
As do all youths, sexual-minority teens seek autonomy and self-assertion,
to find their personalized way in the world. Although I can think of no
comparable socially stigmatized event that heterosexual youths typically
undergo in their relations with parents that has such far-reaching personal
consequences, if there were one I believe their parents would face it in a
manner similar to the parents of sexual-minority youths.
Yec, differences exist, both between these two populations of youths and
among sexual-minority youths. Whether because of their unique biological
predispositions or cultural attitudes toward them, youths with same-sex
I99
attractions may act and think differently from heterosexual youths, con-
sistent with the second tenet of a differential developmental trajectories
perspective.
2. Sexual-minority youths are unique from heterosexual youths on

some domains.
For example, few heterosexual youths are concerned with whether

their parents will accept and support their sexual orientation. I t is highly
unlikely that they come out to their parents as heterosexual or even consider
their orientation to be a matter worthy of discussion. It is a nonissue. Parents
will not be shocked, disappointed, angry, or horrified with the heterosexual
orientation of their child.
The third postulate asserts that variations occur among sexual-minority
youths, both individually and as members of subgroups.
3. Sexual-minority youths vary among themselves, usually in predict-
able ways.
Although many potential origins for these dissimilarities were articu-

lated by the youths during the interviews-personality characteristics, cogni-
tive skills, social class, gender, ethnicity, and regional location-the discrim-
inating category given priority in this study is gender. That is, it matters
whether a youth is female or male and whether the youth is coming out
to his or her mother or father. This has informed my interpretation of
the meaning of the study’s findings-both the empirical results and the
youths’ narratives.’
The individual narratives spotlight many of the essential dynamics
between a particular sexual-minority youth and her or his parents and the
fourth tenet.
4 . Sexual-minority youths are unique individuals.
Each story is inimitable, sometimes suggesting specific strategies regard-
ing how best to come out and ideas about how to prepare youths and parents
for the postdisclosure life.
Although both child and parent characteristics should be considered
when deciding how best to navigate the coming-out process, previous re-
search has failed to demonstrate which predictors are most critical. Thus,
it is often necessary to rely on empirically unverified terrain when mental
health professionals make suggestions regarding how a teen should disclose
and how parents should respond. Data from the current investigation, how-
ever, suggest that knowledge about these matters is greater than a mere
crapshoot. The youths’ responses on their questionnaires and interviews
provide informed answers to these questions.

* * *
This chapter is intended to promote such understanding. Summaries

of basic findings, as reported in chapters 4-7, are presented throughout the
chapter in boxes. Two other types of information are presented in boxes:
Suggestions for how youths and parents can best traverse the coming-out
process. I offer not specific advice on how to do therapy, conduct educational
programs, or write public policy with sexual-minority youths and their fami-
lies; each necessitates a separate volume and a firmer and broader knowledge
base than that provided in this book. My intent is to provide information
to mental health professionals that will prove helpful for implementing
these activities and for suggesting ways to help sexual-minority youths decide
whether to come out to their parents and, if so, when and how. Recommenda-
tions are also proposed for helping parents better support themselves and
their children with same-sex attractions. In the last chapter, I propose a
modest agenda for researchers as they continue their quest for knowledge
about sexual-minority youths and their families.
WHETHER TO COME OUT TO PARENTS
Whether a youth should come out to her or his parents and whether
parents should inquire about their child’s sexual orientation are not easy or
simple considerations, largely because many factors, perhaps even seemingly
small or insignificant ones, can have an enormous impact on the youth,
the parents, and their relationship. Although the percentage of youths who
disclose to parents varies from study to study, little is known about the
critical factors that account for this variation-except, as might be expected,
the younger the sample the smaller the proportion of youths who are out
because they have had less time to disclose. When compared with previous
generations of youths, the proportion who are out is clearly increasing,
probably because of the staggering visibility that has been given to individuals
with same-sex attractions. It is nearly impossible to open a newspaper or
turn on the television without being exposed to the casualness and accept-
ability with which alternatives to heterosexuality are presented. Popular
movies, television shows, recording artists, books, and the Internet have
taken the shock out of same-sex attractions.
This is a remarkably different worldview for today’s youths, an observ-
able cohort effect. O n some college campuses, primarily on the East and
West Coasts or in very liberal college towns, coming out has become a
nonevent, a “big yawn”-everybody is doing it! According to recent national
polls, college students are more likely than other age groups to accept
alternative lifestyles, to believe homosexuality is not morally wrong, to know
NEGOTIATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS 20 I

someone who is gay, and to support same--sex marriage.l One hundred
percent of college students I teach know someone who is not heterosexual;
a somewhat smaller but still significant number has a friend or family member
who is lesbian, bisexual, or gay. Half attended a high school that had a gay-
oriented student group.
These developments have contributed to a climate in which coming
out to parents feels manageable for many contemporary youths. For example,
Caroline Hostetler, a self-confident 16-year-old bisexual teenager at Las
Lomas High School in Walnut Creek, California, has not experienced the
problems of earlier cohorts of young women because, “No one had ever told
me that it [same-sex attraction] was wrong. I have a gay uncle, and we grew
up calling his boyfriend Uncle Steve. It was never an issue.”’ Caroline attends
the same high school as did Bobby Griffith (see chapter 3), who graduated in
1981,2 years before jumping off an overpass to his death because he could not
garner the support of his family. Caroline has the full, unconditional support
of her family, which contributed to her decision to disclose to them.
Study Findings: Whether Youths Come Out

= Two of every 3 youths are out to their mother.
1 Almost 1 of 2 youths is out to their father.
= Age of coming out to one parent predicts coming out to the
other parent.
= Forty-two percent of youths are out to both parents, 20% to
mother only, 2% to father only, and 35% to neither parent.
Over 2 of 3 youths first told their mother; 1 of 10 first told
their father; and 1 of 5 told both parents simultaneously.
One consistent finding across all studies, regardless of where or when

samples are recruited, is that mothers are told earlier than fathers and, if
only one parent knows, then it is usually the m ~ t h e rThis
. ~ is the result of
the more intimate, caring relationship youths generally have with mother.
This suggests the first rule of disclosure:
1 . Sexual-minority youths are most likely to disclose to indiwiduals
they anticipate will be receptive and supportive.
Further evidence for this imperative is that best friends are told before
casual friends, sisters (especially younger sisters) before brothers, and immedi-
ate family before extended family members.
This rule is not negated but confirmed by circumstances in which
youths first disclose to their father or to both parents at the same time.
Although unusual, the narratives clearly indicate that some youths have a
better relationship with their father than with their mother, and thus come

out to him first, and that some youths have a near-equal relationship with
their parents. In the latter situation, both parents are told simultaneously
or within a relatively brief period of time.
Regardless of which parent is told first, nearly all youths must ascertain
whether they should come out to any parent. In part, this decision rests on
their ability to predict how parents will react. The best advice from the
youths’ narratives in this book constitutes the second rule of coming out:
2. Parents react in character.
Parents who are generally understanding, respectful, and supportive
when the youth IS a child will likely respond well to the news when the
youth discloses as a teenager. If parents love thnir child conditionally, then
they might well reject the youth if she or he fails to conform to traditional
notions of sexuality.
Advice to Youths: Whether to Come Out

One basic principle that should guide the decision of whether a youth
should come out is to realistically assess if parents will be supportive. How-
ever, some parents will, without the youth’s consent, tell their spouse. A
youth should be prepared for this, especially if the other parent is likely to
react poorly.
O n the basis of the narratives in this book and the speculations of oth-
ers,’ the outcome of disclosure is likely to be particularly negative if parents
1 Are intolerant of differences, whether in matters of status (e.g.,
gender, race, ethnicity, and social class) or conduct (e.g., non-
traditional beliefs and attitudes).
1 Display negative attitudes about homosexuality, make gay jokes,
and have no gay friends.
1 Are authoritarian and have few skills to cope with deviations
from normal routines or beliefs.

1 Work through difficulties by adult-centered displays of power
and I-igidity.
1 Use drugs or alcohol and have a history of mental illness.
1 Have a history of neglecting or abusing family members.

= Are struggling to hold together their marriage.
Consequences of coming out should be realistically assessed. Is a

youth in jeopardy or at risk of being
1 Kicked out of the house or physically harmed?
= Forced to support himself or herself financially?
(continues)
NEGOTIATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS 203

(continued)
.Isolated from other sources of social and emotional support?

Placed in a psychiatric institution?
A second basic principle is to delay coming out if a youth’s sense of
self-worth rests on parental acceptance-a youth should accept himself
or herself before and regardless of how parents react. Authors Bass and
Kaufman noted, “We all want our parents’ approval and support. But
whether that is offered to you or not, you have the power to create a
life rich with inner satisfaction, accomplishments, and respectful, loving
relationships.’”
If a youth truly has parents who are understanding and welcoming
of diversity and who give unconditional love, and if a youth has the kind
of relationship with them in which it feels safe to disclose, then coming
out might lead to a greater sense of self-worth and appreciation and can
help a youth work through self-acceptance issue^.^
In the decision of whether to come out, the narratives suggest two
overriding considerations:
= This is uniquely the youth’s decision. Others can be helpful
and offer suggestions and support, but ultimately the youth
should not be pressured to come out because no one knows his
or her situation as he or she does.
= It is not cowardly or less politically correct but wise to take
good care of oneself and to be circumspect regarding whether
to disclose. Unless reasonably certain of a positive reaction or
a secure fallback option, a youth should delay coming out.
Several youths interviewed for this book provide graphic examples of

families in which it was not safe to come out. In most circumstances, youths
did not choose to disclose at a particular moment in time but were forced
out by others. Other youths, because of the need to be accepted by their
parents, made the unwise decision to disclose. These youths seriously risked
their college education and emotional well-being. This leads to the third
rule of coming out:
3. Youths should not come out if it places them in physical or emo-

tional danger.
It is not always easy to ascertain or predict negative parental reactions;

youths are occasionally truly shocked by their parent’s horrified response.
There are legitimate reasons why some youths should not come out to
their parents.

REASONS WHY YOUTHS SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT DISCLOSE
In deciding whether they should or should not come out, youths

confront a complex array of possible motives and consequences. Granted,
it is not always an easy course in North American culture to be young and
gay-identified. The facility with which they manage this status can, to a
large degree, be dependent on how their parents cope with this sexual
reality. Most youths want their parents’ acceptance and yet acknowledge
that they have no guarantee that they will receive it once they come out.
Some know with near certainty that the response will be positive or nega-
tive, but the vast majority is in doubt about their parents’ reception of the
news.
Reasons to Withhold Coming Out
Good, valid reasons exist for not coming out to parents, and these
must be seriously considered when youths contemplate disclosing to their
parents. Disclosure can be a risky venture for those who have legitimate
concerns about their physical and psychological safety if their sexual orienta-
tion were to be known. An adult who led a support group for youths ‘wrote
that an overwhelming majority who had not told their parents “feared that
they would be rejected, punished, perhaps physically assaulted, or expelled
from the family.”8
Traditional coming-out narratives emphasize the fear motivation,
warning about the dire concerns that should be considered by closeted
youths. Will they be exploited?Criticized?Hurt?Betrayed?What will others
do with this information? Will relationships be endangered? Are these
changes in family dynamics reversible?Are they responsible for their parents’
pain? When the possible answers to these questions are frightening and the
danger of disclosing is real, not disclosing might be the best and only option.
These youths strategically wait until they are less financially and emotion-
ally dependent on their parents to fully come to terms with their sexual
attract ions.
However, only limited research supports the contention that the great-
est deterrent to more openness between youths and their parents is the
youths’ fear of rejection and verbal or physical abuse. In addition, all studies
reported thus far assert a greater fear of coming out to father than to mother.”
Whether this fear is realized once they disclose has not been empirically
supported; the present study suggests that it is not-the reactions of fathers
were actually slightly more positive than were those of mothers (see discus-
sion below).
What is clear from the narratives in this book is that if sexual-minority
youths fear abuse, assault, and rejection once they come out, it is primarily
NEGOTIATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS 20.5

boys-and a minority at that-and not girls who express these fears. Never-
theless, at least in one regard the stories are on the mark: Sex of parent is
vital to understanding why youths choose to disclose or withhold information
about their sexual attractions. Youths do not disclose to mother because
they fear losing her love and support; to father, for fear of what he might
physically do to them. However correct this observation, the popular narra-
tives do not well represent the primary motivations for not coming out
articulated by the interviewed youths: Only 1 in 4 young men and 1 in 10
young women noted fear of negative reactions as the primary deterrent to
coming out to parents.
~~ ~ ~~~
Study Findings: Reasons Not to Disclose

To Mother
1 Nearly 1 of 2 young women and 3 of 10 young men believe it
is not the right developmental time.
1 One of 4 young men fears negative reactions.
1 One of 5 youths has not gotten around to it.
1 One of 5 young women does not want to hurt or disappoint her.
To Father
1 Over 4 of 10 young women and 3 of 10 young men are not
close, so disclosing does not feel important.
1 One of 4 young men fears negative reactions.
1 One of 4 young men believes it is not the right develop-
mental time.
= One of 5 young women has not gotten around to it yet.
When youths do not come out to their mother, the primary reason is
their sense that the present time is not the best time for the mother, the
daughter or son, or their relationship. Perhaps their mother is going through
a very difficult time in her marriage or career; how could they add more
stress to her life? Perhaps youths still feel sufficiently insecure in their
sexuality that they want to be certain it is their final answer before disclosing
to her. Or, the two have recently gone through turbulent times (e.g., going
away to college is hard for both), and youths are waiting until their lives
and that of their mother stabilize.
Certainly some youths-more young men than women-withhold
disclosing to their mother because of fear. However, the fear seldom emanates
from any physical terror she might wreak in their lives, but from her emo-
tional investment in their lives. That is, they fear that she will be so keenly
hurt that she will withdraw support, will cause an emotional scene, or will
make them feel guilty. Young women also do not want to disappoint their

mother, but: their feeling is less based o n fear and more centered o n sadness;
the relationship with their mother has been so excellent that they will be
saddened if the intensity of their emotional bond is lessened.
In her book describing the process of coming out within the con-
text of a famous family, Chastity Bono did not disclose to her mother
Cher because she did not want to disappoint her or risk destroying their
relationship.
My incim's idea of closeness was premised on the idea that we had to

be similar. As we became more and more dissimilar, she found it more
and more difficult to relate to me. . . . When my mother became dis-
tracted by other people or her career, I was convinced that she was
withdrawing from me because I disappointed her. . . . I heard her com-
ments or questions about how I dressed and how I acteil as criticism
of my entire person. I didn't understanil the distinction hetween m y
mother's love for me and her discomfort with how I was expressing
myself.'o
Motivations for not coming out' t o father are often quite different.
Many, especially young women, do not disclose because they are not particu-
larly close t o him, now or while growing up. They thus feel no obligation
to share this part of their life with him; communicating about important
life events is not something they do. Most have discarded any hope that
the father--child relationship would improve with disclosure. Of course,
some youths report that they intend to disclose hut just have not gotten
around to it yet-which also reflects a lack of emotional intimacy with
this parenc.
Advice to Youths: Survival Tactics for Living in the Closet

Youths may need t o develop defensive maneuvers that help them
manage being in a family in which it is dangerous to be known as
gay. The: following are ones that youths in the present study some-
times used. They are not equally appropriate and depend o n unique
circumstances.
= Disclosing to the parent, sibling, or extended family member
who is most likely to be supportive in the masquerade of hetero-
sexuality. She or he becomes a lifeline and source of support.
= Evading indirect questions about sexuality by inquisitive parents
and then gradually disclosing by eliminating various hiding
maneuvers, testing the waters along the way to gauge likely
react ions.
(continues )
NEGOTIATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHlPS 207

I
.
(continued)
Avoiding discussions of personal issues by establishing a “demili-
tarized zone” of off-limits topics. These boundaries are either
implicitly or explicitly negotiated with parents, who often coop-
erate because they fear coming to know a truth they do not
.want to hear.
Maintaining an emotional distance from parents, sharing little
with them, protecting oneself as best as one can, and considering
oneself essentially parentless. This may entail becoming inde-
pendent or emancipated with little physical or verbal contact
with parents.
Of course, parents may know about their child’s sexual attractions
without ever being explicitly told. They might become increasingly suspi-
cious because of the child’s friends, failure to engage in stereotypic gender
activities, or willingness to be “different,” but decide not to confront the
child directly. Their understanding is that particular aspects of the child’s
“lifestyle” are not to be discussed. The two thus collude in a “I know you
know, but we won’t talk about it” stalemate. The unspoken agreement is
that neither will discuss personal, sexual, or romantic involvements, be-
coming accomplices in a conspiracy that creates family dynamics that are
dishonest and potentially explosive, but necessary to maintain civility.”
Assessing whether a youth’s fears and anxieties about coming out are
real or imagined is difficult to ascertain because no prospective study has
been conducted that compares the expectations of how parents will respond
before disclosure and how they actually react once told. This difference
between perception and reality is an important one because, as documented
among the interviewed youths, those who have not disclosed often expect
a more negative reaction than that received by those who are out to their
parents. This gap could be due to characteristics of the parents. For example,
perhaps youths who disclose perceive that their parents will respond in an
accepting manner because they are liberal, have gay friends, or are by nature
tolerant of unconventionality. Nondisclosers might very well be accurate
in their expectations that their parents will likely react in a harsh and
abusive manner because they are socially and religiously conservative, have
little contact with sexual minorities’ and have high expectations that all
family members will be heterosexual. These issues are not resolvable until
longitudinal studies are conducted that trace the developmental history of
sexual-minority youths from the onset of same-sex attractions through the
disclosure process.

1 Study Findings: Expected Parental Reactions
= Youths who have not disclosed expect more negative reactions
. from both parents than those who have disclosed.

Young men expect more negative reactions from their mother
and father than do young women.
1 No youth expects rejection from her or his mother; 10% expect
it from her or his father.
= No son expects his mother to react positively or neutrally.
= Nearly 60% of daughters expect parents to respond negatively.
Although the actual reactive valence of parents is generally indistin-

guishable regardless of whether it is a son or a daughter who comes out to
them, nondisclosing young men are far more likely than young women to
expect a harsh reaction from parents. They believe that parents will be
inore negative toward them than disclosed youths’ parents were to them.
Perhaps a selection bias exists. These sons have not come out precisely
because their fears of how negative their unknowing parent would react if she
or he were to know are on the mark. That is, the disclosers and nondisclosers
represent two very different populations among young inen but not among
young women. Young men might be in the closet specifically because they
know they will receive a harsh reaction once out.
Why is this the case? Perhaps these youths are more gender conforming
in their appearance and mannerisms than are out youths and thus more
able to hide their same-sex attractions from parents. Being less “obviously
gay,” these boys recognize that their parents have had few suspicions about
their sexual orientation and thus will be greatly surprised or perhaps shocked
when they do find out. Not having had time to adjust to this possibility,
parents might indeed react more stridently than if their child had been
more “evidently gay” during their childhood. Because sex atypicality is less
frequently associated with same-sex attractions among young women, parents
are less likely to predict which daughter will have same-sex desires, and are
thus less shocked when their “feminine” daughter declares her attractions
to other women. If these speculations are accurate, it might be erroneous
to assume that male youths who decide not to come out would have received
the relatively mild response of those who have disclosed. W e need to know
far more about youths with same-sex attractions who do not “appear” to
be gay.
Reflecting the relative value of masculinity and femininity in our
society, another explanation for the sex difference is that a son’s heterosexu-
ality matters more to parents, o n average, than does the heterosexuality of

a daughter. Parents might believe that the reputation of the family and
their future legacy are more tied to the lifestyle of a male than a female
offspring. For some parents, a son not marrying is more difficult t o explain
or justify than a n unwed daughter. In addition, lesbian daughters are more
likely t o have children than gay sons. Some young men feel this heterosexual
obligation and thus become frighteningly obsessed with what their parents
will do if they were to find out about their nonheterosexuality. Several of
the interviewed young women noted that their parents were not that upset
when they discovered that they have a lesbian o r bisexual daughter; their
parents would have been more outraged if it had been their brother who
had come out.
Another facet of gender might account for a second striking sex differ-
ence in reasons not to disclose to parents. Nearly two thirds of sexual-
minority young women who have not come out to their mother state that
they do not want t o hurt or disappoint her or to potentially harm their
relationship. Considerably less than half of young men gave these same
reasons for withholding the information. Most strikingly, youths of both
sexes seldom refrain from coming out to their father for these altruistic
motivations. Not coming out as an act of love-of desiring not t o disappoint
or hurt parents, of not placing parents in a n awkward position with relatives
and neighbors, and of wanting to avoid the long-term effects that such
disclosure wouid have on relationships within the immediate and extended
family-are serious considerations that have not been adequately discussed
in the literature. W e must recognize that youths decide not to disclose for
both self-protective and unselfish reasons.
Regardless of motivation, lying and misrepresenting the truth as
defensive avoidance is seldom a healthy alternative t o open and honest
communication within a family. Although youths might need to keep
their true selves private and locked away if they want to avoid feeling
responsible for disrupting family relationships, this very secretiveness
amplifies their sense of unacceptability and further erects barriers between
themselves and their family, resulting in alienation and loneliness. Percep-
tive parents might sense that their child, now a n adolescent, has some
unspecified, unshared secret but not know what it is. Why has their son
or daughter become increasingly distant, irritable, and uncooperative-
or, conversely, ever more good and obliging? Should they do something
quickly? Their child is escaping them; a crisis is upon them and they
cannot stem the tide. Consistent with everything we know ahout contem-
porary cohorts of sexual-minority youths, most who identify as lesbian,
gay, or bisexual during adolescence are known to be gay by at least one
parent.’‘ If parents suspect homoeroticism is the core of the changes,
should they ask “the question”?

Advice to Parents: Don’t Ask? Don’t Tell? Don’t Pursue?
Should a parent who strongly suspects or even knows that a child
has same-sex attractions ask about her or his sexual attractions? As a
general rule, it is not wise for a parent to inquire directly unless there is
good reason to ask, such as an emergency (e.g., a child who may be
suicidal). Iri some families, a direct, open atmosphere prevails, and ques-
tions such as “Are you attracted to other girls/boys?”and “Do you think
you might be lesbian/gay?”are appropriate and in keeping with the family
spirit. Most. effective is creating a climate of affirmation and acceptance
in which members will want to disclose. According to Ellen Bass and
Kate Kaufnian,13P-FLAG,I4and the interviewed youths, this can best be
done by
1 Apologizing for any past insensitivities, such as homophobic
jokes or language.
Ridding oneself of heterocentric assumptions regarding the
youth’s future.
1 Speaking favorably about the contributions sexual minorities
have made to our culture, especially current popular figures.
1 Letting it be known that one is open to communicating about
any subject.
1 Initiating conversations about sexuality, including testaments
about one’s openness to sexual-minority individuals.
1 Giving unconditional support and love to one’s child.
I t is never too early to begin these conversations in age-appropriate
language. If any of these are problematic, a parent should seek sup-
port from other adults, not the child. A parent should respect a child’s
need to go through her or his own story at a comfortable pace and to
emerge when ready. A parent might never fully understand where the
child is in this process, and thus it is important to promote from the
beginning an atmosphere of acceptance rather than rejection. Even seem-
ingly insignificant statements or acts-for example, expressing disgust
with a same-sex kiss on a television program-can have major, inhibit-
ing effects.
One thing is clear: Not talking to the child about her or his sexu-
ality will not change it, only how the youth feels about it or expresses
it. Sexual attractions are rarely if ever under conscious control; they
are present from an early age. The fact that a parent does not want
these particular attractions to endure will do nothing to alter their
existence.
NEGOTIATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS 21 1

Reasons to Come Out
According to conventional wisdom, the self-awareness associated with

labeling one’s same-sex attractions creates anxiety for a youth, leading to
feelings of self-contempt, largely because of society’s negative stereotypes
of lesbians and gay men. Anxiety is supposedly at its apex just prior to the
initial disclosure and increases rather dramatically when confronted with
the decision of whether to disclose to parents. Will danger and uncertainty
dominate my life? Can 1 maintain my sense of self? Will I be on my own?
Given these issues, it is a wonder any youth comes out to parents.
Counter to this conventional wisdom, the youths I interviewed were
seldom wracked by unbearable anxiety prior to disclosure or fearful of being
rejected, disowned, or physically abused by their parents. Certainly it is
seldom easy to discuss one’s same-sex attractions and romantic relationships
with parents and risks do exist, varying from enormous for a few, slight for
the majority, and nil for a minority. So why come out? Many youths come
out to share their life-at least with their mother-and to thus feel liberated
and to make their life easier. Or, they come out because their mother asked,
because it was about time that their father knew, or to elicit support from
their father. Perhaps relations with parents have not been great, and coming
out is an opportunity to connect, to make things better.
Study Findings: Reasons to Disclose

To Mother
.
1
One of 3 youths has a mother who asked them.
One of 3 young women and 1 of 5 young men want to share
their life with her.
To Father
= Four of 10 young women and 3 of 10 young men are out to
their father because someone else told him.
= Three of 10 young women report it is time to get it over with.
1 Three of 10 young men want to elicit father’s support.
Youths disclose to parents for reasons that vary, in part, on the sex of
the youth and the parent. For both the young women and men I interviewed,
coming out to mother was primarily motivated by the close relationship
they share-how could they not tell the one person who knew everything
about them? Had they not communicated so well in the past? Did they not
have a tacit agreement that anything important was to be divulged?
The relationship was particularly intense between a daughter and her
mother because of the close, share-all nature of their lives. Who has a
212 MOM,DAD.I’M GAY.

choice? Morn is a “best friend”-a daughter cannot imagine withholding any-
thing from her. As a result, most daughters do not expect a highly negative
response. Indeed, their relationship is so intimate that one third of the time
mothers ask their daughters if they are “dating a woman,” “attracted to a best
friend,” or “not heterosexual.” This knowledge is nearly equally characteristic
of mothers and sons; the number one reason sons came out to their mother is
that they did not-she asked! Sexual-minority youths might simply be reflect-
ing the larger population of youths who overwhelming report having excellent
or very good relations with their mother.“
With fathers, someone other than their child tells them much of the
time. This “other” is usually their wife. Their child, especially a daughter,
merely acknowledges the truthfulness of the information. If a young woman
directly tells her father, then she does so because she “ought to” or “the
time is right.” If the father is told, then it was simply something that
should be done. Sons, however, often use coming out to their father as an
opportunity to garner support or to get closer to him. In many cases their
relationship has been so impaired for so rnany years that this sharing
is a last-ditch effort to connect with him, to gain a n intimate father figure
in their lives, and to establish some kind of a relationship with him be-
fore adulthood.
Advice to Youths: Coming Out as an Act of Self-Love

For youths who do not come out to their parents, the level of stress
can become unbearable. Keeping secrets, becoming emotionally inhibited,
and passing as something one is not are major stressors. Although coming
out can invite reactions from parents that compromise physical safety and
psychological integrity, there are many advantages to publicly proclaiming
one’s sexuality:
1 Decreased feelings of loneliness and guilt.
1 Greater comfort and wholeness with personal identity.
-
1
1
Greater psychological adjustment and higher self-esteem.
Better sense of personal freedom.
Increased ability to merge one’s sexual and romantic interests.
Greater access to supportive communities.
Increased feelings of authenticity-feeling loved and accepted
for who one is, not living a lie, and being truthful in relation-
ships.
1 Strmger parental bonds and support.
Most parents would rather have a truthful relationship with their child
than one based on deceit.

After establishing a reason to disclose, the next decisions are when
and how to come out. No singular pattern emerges from the interviews,
largely because sexual-minority youths are exceedingly creative in terms of
the timing, manner, and even what they disclose.
WHEN AND HOW ADOLESCENTS COME OUT
When Adolescents Come Out
Coming out to parents is a late developmental milestone for most

youths, occurring years after first awareness of same-sex attractions and years
after the realization that the directionality of sexual libido means something.
Eventually, an integrated identity and the establishment of intimate, fulfill-
ing relationships signify self-acceptance and positive self-esteem. At some
point in this process, same-sex attracted youths risk coming out to their
parents.I6 Of course, considerable variability exists in the timing of this
milestone, from early adolescence-in the present study these were usually
teenage girls who, through the act of talking with their mother, become
aware of their sexuality and its meaning-to young adulthood, including
those who vow never to come out. They will wait until the grandparents
are buried, the parents are in the grave, and hell freezes over before they
disclose. Most youths, however, desire to first solidify their sexual identity,
even to the extent of becoming involved in a same-sex romantic relationship.
I Study Findings: When Youths Come Out

= Youths come out to parents, on average, between the ages of
18 and 19 years, with a wide range, from age 13 to “never.”
1 Age of first coming out to the first person predicts age of tell-
ing parents.
1 The earlier a young woman develops a romantic relationship,
the more likely she is to come out to parents.
1 Age of disclosure is unrelated to internalized processes of self-
disclosure.
Despite the late developmental age in a youth’s life when she or he

discloses to parents, youths are increasingly coming out to parents at an
earlier absolute age, often while still in high school or, occasionally, while
in junior high or middle school. Thus, parents have the opportunity to
address disclosure while their child is dependent on the family for financing
post-high school education. As such, parents have a greater chance than
previous generations of parents to legislate how their child should respond

to her or his same-sex attractions, including coming out to siblings, the
extended family, and other communities.
Clinician Laura Brown suggests that parents are often told last because
youths fear their rejection.” Little research supports this view, although it
is likely to be true for some families and for previous cohorts of youths. The
present study highlights alternative temporal cases in which parents are not
the last to know. Occasionally, a parent is one of the first to know because
youths are fairly certain that she or he will be supportive.
This diversity in timing of disclosure alludes to a long-standing debate:
Should youths come out while living at home, under the rule of their parents,
or should they wait until they are in a safe place, such as at college or
among supportive friends? Although convincing arguments can be made
for either side, the “correct” answer is appropriately, “It depends.” Family
context matters in these deliberations. Some clinicians might suggest delay-
ing coming out until independence is achieved; however, it is not difficult
to imagine a situation in which disclosure should occur during early adoles-
cence, when a youth, struggling against heavy peer forces, needs family
support to maintain her or his integrity.
Advice to Youths: When to Come Out to Parents

Some suggest that youths should not come out until they feel good
about themselves and when self-worth does not depend on parental
acceptance. Youths should take the time they need, come from a position
of strength, and be realistic in considering whether their family system
can cope with the information. N o absolute rules exist about when is
the best time. One should trust her or his own intuition.
The youths’ narratives in this hook suggest that one might want to
consider the following:
1 Determine what are the motives for coming out, and evaluate
whether these are good reasons by assessing the pros and cons
of disclosure. Good reasons include sharing one’s life with par-
ents and being authentic; bad reasons include desiring to hurt
and “pay back” parents.
1 Determine if the communication skills of parents, their respect
for their child, and their ability to work out difficult issues
are positive. If so, then the present might be a good time to
come out.
= Know the likelihood is that coming out will be a lifelong
process, with many small steps over an extended period of
time.
(continues )

(continued)
An alternative perspective to waiting until one has a solid sense of
self is one that maintains that parents can help their child feel better
about having same-sex attractions. If parents are exceptionally under-
standing, open minded, and welcoming of diversity, then they can help
a youth work through self-acceptance issues.’8
From a research perspective, little is known about why some youths

disclose while in middle or junior high school and others only once they
are on their own after graduating from college. Do the former have stronger
self-esteem that allows them to face a hostile world or a sexual libido that
“motivates’) them to recognize the sexual component of their life? Are they
more sex atypical and thus more “obviously” gay to others, who then label
them gay, facilitating self-awareness? Or, is it a matter of teinperament-
being more extroverted, they are more likely to share their homoeroticism
with others because in general they are likely to talk about themselves or,
being more sensitive, they are more likely to engage in self-analysis and
hence become aware of their sexuality? Perhaps the critical factor resides
in characteristics of the parents: Do more liberal and communicative parents
encourage their child to disclose to them his or her same-sex attractions?
Or, is it merely a matter of accident or happenstance that parents discover
their child’s sexuality, catching their child in a sexual act or extrapolating
from their child’s friends?
T h e only significant predictor assessed in the present study of when
youths come out to their parents is the age of telling the first person.
Thus, once the process of coming out begins with best friends and perhaps
a close sibling, the process of telling parents is set in motion. T h e fact that
age of same-sex awareness and age of self-labeling are unrelated indicates
that the processes of coming out to self and to others are relatively indepen-
dent trajectories, other than that the first is usually reached before the
second is initiated. Many youths want to be absolutely certain of their
sexuality and have alternative sources of support before telling parents; a
few turn to their parents for assistance in coming out to self and others.
For some young women, a same-sex romantic relationship is so impor-
tant that they have to tell their parents about this new person in their life.
Perhaps they want to share their joy o r they feel dishonest with their partner
by being closeted. Or, they find it increasingly difficult to hide their sexuality
with the increased number of telephone calls, letters, and visits from this
particular woman. T h e fact that having a romantic relationship is not a
predictor of coming out to parents among young men might indicate the
lesser significance of same-sex romantic relationships for their sexual identity
or their greater ability to hide the relationship from their parents.

How Adolescents Come Out
Disclosure can be initiated by a youth or by parents, and it can be an

unplanned or planned event. Some youths come out by gradually letting
down their pretense of heterosexuality, by refusing t o play a heterosexual
role, o r by dropping “hints” such that parents eventually are left with little
option bul: to conclude that they have a gay son or daughter. Wives more
often than husbands tell the other spouse about this conclusion.
Youths may merely assume parents know, or ought t o know, without
offering a candid acknowledgment. O r , they are outed by school officials,
newspapers, friends, or ex-lovers.’”Although these indirect means are not
unusual, most youths tell parents directly, face-to-face. Among the inter-
viewed youths, this is especially true in mother-child dyads and less so in
it father-claughter dyad.
Study Findings: How Youths Come Out

= Three of 4 youths disclose t o their mother face-to-face.
= Three of 4 young men and 3 of 5 young women come out to
. their father face-to-face.

O n e of 3 young women and 1 of 5 young men are out to their
father because someone else told him.
A disclosure technique preferred by one youth is often inappropriate

or unwanted by another. Teenagers generally favor a direct approach but
differ among themselves regarding whether coming out should occur when
one parent is present, both are in attendance, or the entire family is gathered
for a family meeting. The most daunting challenge for those who want t o
help youths come o u t is to convince them t o take control of the situation.
Rather than permitting random events or “accidents,” such as being outed
by others, sexual-minority youths should take the initiative and control
h o w they will disclose to their parents.
Advice to Youths: How to Come Out to Parents

Several writers and the youths’ narratives in the present study suggest
possible issues that should be considered when deciding how best t o come
out to prents.’” Youths might want to
= Work through their own fears and concerns before talking to
parents, perhaps with friends or a professional mental health
provider.
(continues)

(continued)
= Plan ahead and put serious time and effort into preparing the
coming-out event. It is probably best not to simply leave hints
around the house.
= Ask others for their coming-out script or write their own, but
have something clearly in mind; select a quiet, safe, and private
location, unless they expect a dangerous reaction, in which
case they should choose a public place; exude certainty and
calmness in their voice; and talk only when they have the
parents’ full attention.
= Choose a nonhectic time when everyone is not tired. Holidays
are usually a bad time because the congestion interferes with
time needed for parents to process the information; consider
whether they will need time to escape the family and whether
parents will need time to “cool off.”
= Test the waters by raising contemporary issues such as same-sex
marriage, gays in the military, and antigay Boy Scout policies. If
responses are generally positive, then this is a good sign. How-
ever, parents can react in a very different manner if it is their
child who is gay.
= Have modest expectations, and give parents time to adjust.
= Avoid blaming, anger, and self-doubt.
= Use nonparental support networks if necessary. Expect the
unexpected.
Consider that coming out can be a very different experience
depending on the unique characteristics of the parent. It may
be necessary to develop different strategies for each parent.
Remember that the manner in which they come out is uniquely
their decision. Others can be helpful and offer suggestions and
support, but ultimately it is not their decision. Do not be
pressured.
Youths should be sensitive to their parents’ feelings and needs. Youths

have had years coming to terms with their sexuality and thus should not
necessarily expect parents to accept them within minutes after learning
about their sexuality. Youths should make this an act of faith in parents
and should thus be respectful of them; this will improve chances for a posi-
tive outcome. This is an act of love-because youths want to be closer to
their parents and share their life with them. It is not necessary to bring up
disturbing topics during the first conversation (such as AIDS/HIV, sexual
conduct, violence) or to tell other relatives without consulting parents.
21 8 M O M ,DAD. I’M GAY.

PARENTS’ INITIAL REACTIONS
Remarkably few investigators have examined the reactions of parents

once they discover that their child has same-sex attractions. By so doing,
researchers simply reflect the cultural silence about this coming-of-age
marker for sexual-minority youths. Rituals, positive acknowledgments, or
celebrations rarely commemorate the act of coming out, and sexual-minority
youths are seldom thrown “coming-out parties.” Fewer still receive appro-
priate Hallmark cards. If there is revelry, it is usually with close friends.
Popular mythology has far more strident narratives with vivid examples
of parental travesties. The featured cover story of Newsweek, January 13,
1986, portrayed the reactions of one family to a son’s homosexuality. “He’s
queer! He’s queer!” Kelly’s mother screamed as she ran “hysterically into
the arms of her husband, who held her and tried to tell her it was going
to be OK.” Kelly’s father’s response was to get “the hell out of the house”
because he “needed to be alone with his anger, sadness and confusion.” He
tried to blame his wife, felt anger toward his son, and wanted to send him
to a psychiatrist. He cried, and then had a mild heart attack.” Chastity
Bono dreaded coming out to her mother. “We avoided the subject by mutual
consent: I didn’t want to deal, and she didn’t want to deal.” Her mother,
as expected, reacted harshly and demanded that Chastity “get out.” Cher’s
previous exposure to gay people did little to assuage her anxieties or stereo-
types. “Well, they were not my children,” Cher said. “It’s a different thing
that happens with your child-it’s not the same. None of those people had
successful home lives or successful relationships.””
These two cases recount disclosures that caused major disruptions in
familial relationships and initiated a process of parental mourning. Is this
merely a cohort effect or is this typical of today’s parent-youth relationships?
Two books, one devoted to the care and counseling of gay and lesbian
youths and the other to the academic study of sexual minorities, appear to
argue the second-the crisis modality.
J List as coming out precipitates an emotional crisis for individuals, disclo-

sure of lesbian/gay identity to parents generally [italics added] promotes
a family crisis. Like adolescents or adults who self-identify as lesbian or
gay, parents undergo a kind of multistage “coming-out” process during
which they grieve the loss of their child’s heterosexual identity and
ultimately reframe negative social sanctions and lost expectations into
positive experiences of lesbian and gay lives.”
Disclosure to parents and other significant relatives often [italics

added] precipitates a period of turmoil for the family, frequently involv-
ing three initial reactions. First, parents feel guilt and personal responsi-

bility for their child’s homosexuality and experience a sense of failure
as parents. . . . Second, parents may ignore their child’s individuality
and personal experience by applying negative values and misconceptions
about homosexuality to their son or daughter; likewise, they may fear
others will similarly apply stereotypes to them, leading to isolation and
ostracism from their social network. Third, the “new” identity may
create feelings of alienation, and family members might react as if
the person were unfamiliar and estranged; as a result family roles and
relationships can be disrupted.”
Those who do not survive physically or are left with permanent physi-
cal, emotional, cognitive, or social scars often live in homes in which
parents verbally or physically abuse them prior to knowing the youth’s sexual
orientation. These are the youths who run away from home, abuse drugs
and alcohol, engage in criminal behavior, become sex workers, or attempt
to kill themselves. O n e example is given beiow.
Parental Reactions: “Mom, Why Do You Hate Me?”

Dear Mom, I wonder sometimes if you miss me, even think about me?
Maybe I trusted you too much when 1 told you the biggest secret I
had. I wish sometimes I could take it all back and never have told you
that I’m gay. I wish I could go back to the way things used to be.
I miss all the fun we had together. . . . I wonder why you had to change.
I grew up knowing you loved me, and now I live with the knowledge that
you hate me. But I can’t go back. I just have to accept the fact that my
mama-who raised me and worked three part-time jobs to support me; who
left a husband who hit her because she was afraid h e might hurt me; who
didn’t get a n abortion even though her boyfriend urged her to; who suffered
so much for me-that mother hates me because I’m gay.
You looked so scared and shocked when you found out. But I never
wanted to hurt you, Mom. I think about you when I wake up. I picture
your face in my mind and trace it with my fingers in the air. Sometimes,
though, I can’t remember what you look like, and that scares me.
Do you think about me? I grew 3 inches, and my feet grew even
more. I look a lot older. My hair grew out and it’s not frizzy anymore,
just wavy. Would you recognize me if you saw me?
No. If you walked by me all you’d see would be a dirty homeless girl
with matted braids and smelly shoes and dirty clothes. If I asked you for
spare change you’d just walk on by. Only if you stopped and looked in
my eyes would you recognize me.
I hate you for hating me, but can’t stop loving you. Why do you hate
me for who I a m ? I’m not evil. . . . God, I hope you change your mind
(continues)
220 M O M ,DAD.I’M GAY

some day. But I can’t keep trying to call you. How many times can you
try when nobody will ever accept the charges? Do you know how that
makes me feel?
But I still miss you. And I wish that you missed me.”
Many early studies focused on these problematic youths, as does more

recent research that samples from sources where “troubled” youths are most
likely to frequent. For example, one study reported that over half of youths
attending urban support groups had experienced some degree of verbal or
physical harassment from a family member, ranging from verbal insults to
physical assaults.26 Because the investigators sampled from a source that
attracts youths who feel they need support for their difficult life situations,
it is not surprising that the research reported that these youths have difficult
life situations.
Although parents might not be thrilled with the news or immediately
embrace homosexuality as a central dimension of their daughter or son,
empirical research documents that very few parents reject or harm their
child. The sensationalism of the media, including the gay media, leads us
to believe otherwise. T h e extreme cases sell newspapers and magazines and
increase television ratings. For example, although a recent article in the
gay and lesbian magazine The Advocate eventually presents a balanced view
of the range of responses parents have to their child coming o u t to them,
the author states that for every parent who accepts her or his gay child,
“there is a mother who publishes a legal notice in the newspaper declaring
her very alive gay son dead or a father who gives his daughter 15 minutes
t o get out IDf the house for good.”” This is patently untrue and is meant to
alarm rather than reflect reality.
Advice to Parents: Common Concerns With Disclosure

By the time adolescents share the truth about their sexuality, they
have probably spent years struggling with their same-sex attractions.
Parents, however, are often caught off guard by the suddenness of the
revelation and yet are expected by their child to immediately understand,
adapt, and support. O n e P-FLAG parent wrote,
In our experience, gay youth often have unrealistic expectations of their
families, failing to take into account the time needed after disclosure
for the family to acquire information, assess this new reality, and reexam-
ine the internal assumptions they have lived with for years
(continurs)
NEGOTIATIKG HEALTHY RELATIONSHZPS 221

(continued)
Youth tend to overestimate the knowledge parents have about homo-
sexuality. They frequently do not understand the nature or magnitude
of the issues their families are dealing with. Even when they do, they
are not in a position to offer assistance.2x
This event might well disrupt parents’ view of their child, her future,
and themselves as parents. According to P-FLAG, common responses
include
1 “What did we do wrong?” Parents may believe that they were
not “good enough,” did not give sufficient attention or gave
too much attention to their child, or favored another child
too much.
1 “What did his motherlfather do wrong?” Parents may blame
their spouse for not providing an adequate or suitable same-
sex or opposite-sex role model.
“We should never have divorced!” Parents who indict their
broken marriage for setting a bad heterosexual example.
= “It was the gay teacher in school!” Parents may reproach some-
one else for their child’s homosexuality, such as neighborhood
playmates, a teacher, or “homosexuals” who put bad ideas into
their child’s head.
“Our child is going to hell/is sick!” Parents may believe that
their child has a disease or is committing a sin and that they
must “save” their child.
Parents might fear, with some justification, that peers will harass their
zhild or that she or he will be the target of discrimination. Or, parents
might be anxious that they will be embarrassed in front of friends and
relatives (especially their parents), will be perceived as failed parents,
will have no grandchildren, or will have their myth of having the perfect
family destroyed.
Rather than accepting that homosexuality is a healthy, natural fact
af life, parents might rush their child to the local psychiatrist or therapist to
zorrect the “psychologicaldeviance.” Although reparative and conversion
therapies offer “redemptive” promises and can change a youth’s sexual
behavior (at least temporarily), they have no effect on her or his sexual
wientution. Any attempt to convert a sexual-minority youth is made at
a high cost-her or his possible alienation from parents.
Therapy, if deemed necessary, should focus on helping all family
members feel better about the youth’s sexuality, assist parents to place
their child’s sexuality in proper perspective, and teach youths and parents
the necessary skills for living in a heterocentric society.2y
222 MOM, DAD. 1’M GAY

Although in some cases families disintegrate after the disclosure because
parents are unable to move beyond their initial shock and anger and erupt
in verbal harassment or physical assault, the reality, of course, is that consid-
erable diversity characterizes the reactions of parents to the disclosure.’3
Indeed, most parents recoup and adapt to the new reality. It can even be
humorous, as was actor Nathan Lane’s coming out story.
I’d let my mother know I was seeing someone, but she assumed it was
a girl. I never lied to her; we were always very honest with each other.
. . . “I know you think it’s a girl,” I told her, “but it’s a guy.” The blood
drained from her face, and she said (very deeply), “You mean you’re a
homosexual ?’-why does she suddenly sound like Harvey Fierstein?
She’s an Irish Catholic woman. “Well, yes, I guess so.” And she said,
“I would rather you were dead.” I said, “Well, I knew you’d understand.”
And once I got her head out of the oven, everything went fine.”
Although their child’s same-sex attractions might be alien to them,

parents might nevertheless cherish the disclosure because they finally have
an answer to something they have long suspected or a reason as to why
their child has become a foreigner to them. Here is an opportunity to “get
their kid back.” One mother, Marlene Fanta Shyer, worried about her “odd
little fellow” since kindergarten. He was too tidy and obedient and was
always ridiculed as too effeminate and not athletic. Once he spoke the
magic words, “I’m gay,” she flinched, then chilled. “This is what I had been
dreading since he was 3,4,5. But almost immediately I had a new reaction-
liberation. It was a done deal, and I accepted him and his sexual orientation
wholeheartedly.””
Such constructive outcomes are seldom articulated in coming-out nar-
ratives or advice-giving tracts even though they are far more familiar scenar-
ios than the visible and electrifying stories that seek to warn youths against
disclosing to their parents. In reality, by not disclosing, sexual-minority
youths could be forfeiting latent sources of support. This potential must be
weighed against the very real circumstances faced by those who would not
emotionally or physically survive a disclosure.
More common than either the traumatic or celebratory reactions are
those of a knowing, relatively calm recognition. Playwright Jon Robin Baitz
told his family over a West Hollywood brunch. “My mother started laughing
. . . [and] my father looked at her and said, ‘He’s not kidding,’ and my
brother piped up triumphantly, ‘I’vealways known!’ It was a seamless event-
over French toast-of no enormous melodrama.”i’ When movie critic Gene
Shalit discovered that his son is gay, his reply typified their relationship, “I
thought you had something important to tell me.” Shalit expressed concern
for his son’s safety and the effect that being gay would have on his son’s
career. His life’s credo has always been, “Let children follow their own star.”
NEGOTfATlNG HEALTHY RELATIONSHf PS 223

If parents stay awake at night worrying about the role they played in their
child’s sexual orientation, Shalit’s advice is simple, “Go back to sleep.”j4
Photographer David LaChapelle credits his parents with helping him
through very difficult childhood and adolescent times. “My parents are really
nurturing and supportive, and they cared about me a lot. They kept me
from killing myself in more ways than one when I was a kid.’’ H e dreams
of a day when families celebrate their kid’s sexuality. “They should have a
fucking parade down the middle of suburbia,” he laughed, breaking into a
mock celebratory pro-gay ditty: “Hooray! Hooray! My son is gay! I found
him in a dress today!’”i
Even factors that researchers report foretell very negative parental
reactions can fail to predict bad outcomes. Betty and Raul Moreno had
much to learn about homosexuality and considerable religious and ethnic
stereotypes to overcome. However, “There’s n o way I could say I’m not
going to love him because of this,” said Betty, a fundamentalist Baptist.
Raul, a Hispanic Texan realized, “All the gay community wants is the same
thing all of us want-to be loved and accepted for who and what we are.”
Both have joined the Metropolitan Community Church (a gay-affirming
denomination) and are “very proud” of their son.’6
As these parents illustrate, predicting initial parental reactions has
met with mixed results. Most commonly, researchers investigate the attri-
butes and beliefs of parents, such as family culture, parenting style, religion,
ethnicity, gender role orientation, and age, but n o consistent patterns have
emerged.I7 O n e reason may be that little if any attention has focused on
particular attributes of the pair-such as the gender composition of the
dyad. O n e clinician suggests that same-sex parent-child dyads elicit the
most negative parental reactions. Because they are primarily responsible for
the well-being of daughters, mothers might feel particularly rejected or hurt
when their daughter is not heterosexual. How can their daughter feel fulfilled
or secure without a man? Fathers can be so ashamed or repulsed by their
son’s abandonment of masculinity that they cannot stand the sight of him.
In terms of cross-sex dynamics, fathers may feel less threatened by their
lesbian daughter’s female partner than they would if she were dating a
potential male rival; mothers may take solace in knowing n o woman will
take her place in her son’s life.”
T h e young women and men in the present study do not support these
suppositions. First, the youths’ narratives lucidly demonstrate the abundance
not of extremely positive or extremely negative responses but of modest
reactions. Second, earlier I indicated that the gender composition of the
dyad matters in terms of reasons for disclosing or not disclosing to parents
and in parental reactions. Third, the most problematic relationships are not
same-sex but cross-sex dyads.

Study Findings: Parental Reactions
Parents react worse than the first person or sibling told.
= Mean positive or negative reactions are the same for mothers
and fathers.
Most common mother responses to sons are “slightly negative,”
followed by “negative.” O n e third of the responses are “slightly
positive” or “positive.”
9 Most common mother responses to daughters are “slightly posi-
tive.” Nearly one half receive “positive” or “slightly positive”
responses from mothers. O n e quarter of the responses are
“slightly negative.”
Over one third of fathers are “slightly positive” to the disclosure
of sons and daughters.
Fathers are twice as likely to be more than “slightly negative”
to sons than to daughters.
= With the disclosure, 4% of parents reject or abuse their child.
= Mothers told directly by their daughter react better than those
. who find out because someone else tells them.

Mothers react best when their daughter tells them because they
s h x e a close relationship.
= Mothers react worse when they discover their son’s same-sex
attractions because someone else tells them or their son attempts
t o elicit support.
= Fathers react worse when someone else tells them about their
daughter’s same-sex attractions.
= N o relationship exists between age of coming out and paren-
tal reactions.
Although young men report receiving more negative first reactions

from their parents than do young women, this difference is only slight. More
striking are the differences attributed t o mothers versus fathers. I t is clear
that one cannot talk intelligently about parent-child interactions without
reference to the gender of the participants. Mothers more so than fathers
are perceived by their children, especially by sons, as having suspicions
about their child’s same-sex attractions before the actual disclosure. Why?
Perhaps fathers are not sufficiently around their child t o notice or are less
sensitive to such issues. Or, fathers notice but are more inclined t o dismiss
them as insignificant or not their concern. Even after being told, many
fathers appear somewhat distant from the discussion about their child’s
sexuality or are, as one young woman reported, “diffusely annoyed with
my lifestyle.”
NEGOTJATING HEALTHY RELATJONSHJPS 225

Many of the interviewed young women appear to agree with a recent
Yankelovich Partners Survey that found 94% of girls report that their mother
is a friend (87% of mothers list their daughter as a friend). Nine out of 10
daughters report that their relationship with their mother is a very happy
one, 9 of 10 believe their mother’s approval is very important to them, and
2 of 3 say they would go to their mother before a friend if they had a
personal problem. Mothers and daughters also tend to share similar values,
somewhat less so regarding issues of sexuality and independence.?’ Many of
the young women I interviewed agree, reporting an intimacy with their
mother that is absent from any other parent-child dyad.
Several research design issues, however, should be kept in mind in
considering these findings. Although youths were encouraged to recall the
exact context of the disclosure and specific reactions, findings are the reports
of youths and not their parents; these are also retrospective accounts
collected moments to several years after the disclosure. Moreover, gender
is just one of many potential discriminating variables that likely matter in
predicting a parent’s initial reactions. We know relatively little about most
others, including ethnicity, social class, and regional differences.
Equally unknown are the consequences of disclosing to parents at one
age rather than another. Although it is generally believed by clinicians that
the timing of a youth’s disclosure influences the response of parents, we do
not know if this is actually true. Mental health professionals suggest that
youths should only come out when they are comfortable being gay and can
survive on their own without family support. Generally this is not during
early adolescence. Although these speculations are not empirically docu-
mented with diverse populations of sexual-minority youths, they shape the
advice given to youths about when and how to come out.
Advice to Youths: What to Expect From Parents

Although parental reactions vary immensely, youths should consider
the following as generally true:
Rarely does the initial response represent full support and under-
standing. Few parents begin by saying, “I’m so glad you know
this about yourself and that you wanted to share it with us.”
= The first response is seldom how things will conclude. Total
approval is not necessary. It may take a few minutes or years,
but things usually get better.
= A good reaction is one in which parents feel comfortable, are
nonchalant, o r wished that their child had shared it earlier.
(continues)

(continued)
1 A bad response-withdrawal of love and rejection-can be
weathered. Even loved ones sometimes have difficulty accept-
ing. blame themselves or someone else, or say things that up-
set everyone.
1 It is good for youths to surround themselves with caring and
supportive nonfamily individuals.
= If in danger, youths should protect themselves and be prepared
to remove themselves from parents. A cooling-off period may
be necessary.
Honesty is not always the best policy-it may be best to renege
on the “I’m gay” statement if safety is at stake. Youths should
then keep it as their preserved truth until they are in a more
favorable environment. Remaining in the closet until a better
time and place can be arranged might be best.
1 Youths should stay clear in their heart about their sexuality.“@
In sum, parents can be hurtful in their reactions, but seldom are they
abusive or rejecting. Many have stereotypes and are concerned about safety
and status-theirs and that of their child. However, most react with a
mildly positive or slightly negative response. Their reactions are perhaps
best predicted by the kind of reIationship they have with their child before
disclosure. The range of reactions initially and eventually spans the spectrum,
and it is this possibility that confronts every youth who discloses to parents.
THE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP AFTER DISCLOSURE
Perhaps more important than a parent’s initial response to disclosure

is that which happens after disclosure. Is the topic discussed again or does
everyone avoid i t ? Do all members of the family know, or are some left to
wonder and speculate?Does one parent use the youth’s sexuality as a weapon
against the youth or the other parent? Is the youth rejected or mistreated
by parents in the years following?We know little about what leads to healthy
long-term family relations once the disclosure information is acknowledged.
The disclosure can bring out the best, or the nastiest, in parents. Most
likely it will be predictable; parents will react the way they typically do to
“crises.” Only a few parent-child dyads in the present study deteriorated
following the initial reaction. More often, they improved considerably there-
after, increasing in mutual communication and respect to a level sometimes
more positive than before the disclosure. Most, however, stayed the same.
That is, parents acquiesced to this new, or not so new, information and

continued their predisclosure relationship with their child. The same issues
present before disclosure were there afterward-curfew, discipline, taking
out the garbage, dating, homework, politics. Many youths could visualize a
time when matters would improve, perhaps not dramatically but gradually
as new communication patterns and styles of interactions replaced maladap-
tive ones.
Study Findings: Parent-Youth Relationships Over Time

1 Nearly 90% of father-daughter relationships and over 60% of
mother-daughter relationships did not change.
1 Four of 10 sons reported that relationships with a parent did
not change.
1 Over 5 of 10 sons reported improvement in their relationship
with a parent.
9 One of 3 daughters reported improvement in their relationship
with mother.
= Fewer than 5% of parent-youth relationships deteriorated
over time.
Reports of positive changes in the parent-child relationship are not

uncommon. Although little is known about why or how this occurs, parents
who accept their sexual-minority child have overcome whatever barriers
they might have had-or perhaps never had-from their personal or cultural
heritage that were preventing them from saying, “I love you regardless of
your sexuality.” Reaching this position can be relatively easy; perhaps the
parents were raised in a family atmosphere that accepted diversity or was
low in judgmentalness. Or, reaching this position can be extraordinarily
difficult; perhaps the parents were affected by deeply rooted homophobia
or social or religious conservatism. Although accepting one’s child should
require no special aptitude other than unconditional love, those who are
flexible in religious and moral values, keep open intrafamilial communica-
tions, have a strong attachment and affection for the nonheterosexual family
member, and have access to informational, emotional, and social support
fare best.
This is not to say that parents who “get better” are now fully supportive
of their child’s sexuality. Most remain somewhat ambivalent. One young
woman remarked that her parents accept her sexuality because, “They have
no other choice. I will never quite be their daughter because I’m not the
daughter they anted."^' Parents may love their child, desire that she have
a good life, and want what is best for her. Yet, they also grieve for the pain
and hardships she will now face and what “might have been” if their child
had been heterosexual. Carla Hansen, an associate dean at Brown University,

noted, “We have this pervasive notion that good parents will have successful
children who get well-paying jobs, do exciting things, and marry someone
we like, and anything else is a negative reflection of the parents.”” Thus,
parents lament not only for their child but also for themselves.
This ambivalence, according t o writer and soccer coach Dan Woog,
characterizes parents who had clear indications that their child is not hetero-
sexual and yet are stunned when a child comes out as lesbian, gay, or bisexual.
Even mothers and fathers who guessed the news for years or prided
themselves on being open-minded display classic emotions: anger, worry,
denial, shame. But if the immediate reactions are similar, the ensuing
weeks, months, and years are not. Each person’s journey to understand-
ing, acceptance, and even celebration of a gay child is unique. Some
parents spend a lifetime hobbling just a few steps; others race along,
gaining momentum as they go.
Parents frequently need to be 100% sure. As one parent put it, “Looking
back, I wonder why I didn’t [ask], but I guess there was this doubt: What if
he isn’t and he thinks I think. . . . I was 97% sure, but with your child it has
t o be Although Woog argued that for every acceptance there is a
parent who rejects their child, we have no evidence-and now with this
study sufficient counterevidence-that chis number approaches 50%. Despite
the ambivalence, in most families, parents follow the initial acknowledgment
with conversations, questions, interest, and connections. Family members
can and do change and grow in their understanding.
Adjustments might be most difficult for parents who feel accountahle
for their child’s sexual orientation. After all, have they not influenced every
aspect of their child’s life?! If homosexuality is a choice or the result of
early parenting, as traditional psychoanalytic theories and religious doctrine
assert, then they must be responsible. Parents focus o n only one aspect of
their child-her or his sexuality-neglecting the fact that the youth is
more than a bundle of sexual attractions. Disappointment overwhelms these
parents: Their child will not realize the normative transitions into prescribed
adult roles, including marriage and parenthood. They focus exclusively o n
the stigma, misinformation, moral judgments, discrimination, and violence
their child will now face. They would be more comfortable if the youth
stayed in the closet.
Advice to Parents: How to Move Toward Acceptance

If parents desire to show their acceptance of their child, they should
first listen, ask questions, and then
(continues)
NEGCITIATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS 229

(continued)
= Give unconditional love and reassure their child that they love
and support her or him regardless of the child’s sexuality.
1Continue to meet their child’s basic needs, such as safety,
structure, and affection.
1Refrain from pathologizing their child because of his or her
sexuality.
1 Help their child enjoy childhood and adolescence. Let their
child be a kid and provide her or him space t o be herself or

hitnself. Give the child tools to take back power the child
might have lost because of her or his sexual orientation (e.g.,
connect physical and emotional intimacy).
1 Realize that integrating a new identity as a parent of a sexual-
minority child requires time and stamina. T h e child has had

years t o reflect on his o r her sexual feelings before self-identify-
ing; parents should give themselves some slack and time t o
adjust to this new status: the patent of a sexual-minority child.
Seek educational information for parents (e.g., literature from
P-FLAG, or Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)
that will help in coping with the sexual status of their child. With-
out such resources, acceptance or even tolerance is a n arduous
task. In coming t o terms with their son’s or daughter’s same-sex
attractions, it is critical that parents modify previous beliefs re-
garding the consequences of a nonheterosexual identity.
= Talk with other parents in similar situations to gain information
and support. Groups such as P-FLAG and W e Are Family
provide opportunities to openly discuss fears and concerns about
having a gay, bisexual, or lesbian child. Also available are
therapy and support groups that can answer questions and pro-
vide stories by other parents about their experiences.
1Be aware that extended family members can play an integral
role assisting parents to adapt t o their new status. It is likely
that some of these family members also have same-sex attrac-
tions and can thus offer a unique perspective about what the
child needs.
1Encourage the child to share his or her history of same-sex
attractions, the ways in which sexual orientation has influenced
the child’s life, who else knows and how they have reacted,
and future expectations the youth has about his or her life as
a gay person. Despite discomfort parents may feel with the
subject, this conversation should be the first of many. If not
(continues)

(continued)
initiated by the child, parents should encourage these discus-
sions because they normalize the youth’s sexuality and the
parents’ alliance with him or her.
Parents have been given an honor, a gift-the opportunity to know
their child better, more completely than previously. Parents who adjust
best give preeminence to the relationship they have with their child,
preserve the child’s integrity, and enhance family unity through uncondi-
tional love. In the XY Survival Guide, Benjie Nycum asks parents to
“thank your child for trusting you with such personal information.” His
20 point ideal parental response list is a “cut-out” that should be given
to all narent~.~’
Three media examples of a positive transformation in a mother-child

relationship illustrate the resolutions possible. First, from the 1986 Newsweek
account we learn that Kelly’s mother struggled, finally emerging when she
was able to say for the first time to a gay crisis telephone counselor, “My
son is gay.” Seeking information and encouragement from a parents’ support
group and attending gay events moved her to a place where she could
reconnect with her son. Once this hurdle had dissipated, she immersed
herself in the trappings of her son’s life.
She listened and learned, quickly realizing that Kelly was not going to
change and that no one was to blame. She started manning the hot
line and joining excursions to Portland’s gay bars. She talked with all
kinds of people-from drag queens and lesbians to other parents of
gays--and if she couldn’t completely understand, at least she was begin-
ning to accept.
Her final act was to march in a Gay Pride Day parade as the mother of a
gay son.4i
Second, Cher was initially far from ready to embrace her daughter
Chastity Rono. She censored information from other people, felt that she
had failed as a parent, struggled to accept homosexuality for her daughter,
and feared for what Chastity’s life would be like. She associated unstable
relationships with gay people, who to her were promiscuous and conformed
to butchifemme roles. “At first I thought I was a failure as a parent; then
I felt that you were going to be the failure and that you wouldn’t be able
to succeed and have a normal life.” She could not understand why Chastity
“had” to wear a pink triangle.
Why do you have to wear that shit?Why does it have to have a triangle
on it? I just really didn’t talk about your being gay. . . . I t was still a
secret, so it was still a negative thing. I wasn’t comfortable and what I

did was choose to ignore, and no one chose to confront me with
it. When anyone would ask me about you, I would try to walk
around the subject and give other descriptions or statistics about
you, staying away from one specific point, and hopefully people
wouldn’t talk about it.’”
Slowly but surely Cher moved toward full acceptance, in her own time and
in her own manner. Now, according to Chastity, Cher is “a really cool
person. I think she appreciates all the good qualities I have as a person,
and this one thing is not such a big deal. She’s really been amazing. I can
really talk to her.”4’ Chastity offers advice to youths about how to en-
hance their parents’ acceptance. “The turning point for parents, what really
allows them to separate their experience of their child from negative images
of homosexuality, is when they see their child happy, healthy, and strong.”
As Chastity came out of her own closet, accepted herself, and emerged
with a strong sense of self, “My mom responded and became much more
accepting of my being gay.” Cher admitted, “It made me feel better about
you as a person, and so therefore anything you got involved in, you would
be choosing that thing from a position of strength and not weakness, not
neediness. From that place, you wouldn’t make the wrong decision.” Cher
began the path toward true acceptance and celebration of her daughter’s
life.4H
The third media example is of Judy Shepard and her son Matthew,
who came out to her when he was a student at the University of Wyoming.
Although Mrs. Shepard was not thrilled with having a gay son, she tried
to accept it in stride.
I actually think I knew before Matt did. I don’t know how, it’s a mom
thing, people tell me. . . . My first response was, “Why did y o u wait so
long to tell me?”
1 don’t want to make it sound like it was, “I’m gay, pass the potatoes,”
but we got through it. Children are a very precious gift from God.
Voluntarily giving up your child for that reason is beyond my
comprehension.’‘
Speaking before 1,200 hushed and tearful students at Cornell Univer-

sity, Mrs. Shepard described the events leading up to the October day in
1998 when her son was killed in a gay-related hate crime. Although there
are days when she does not believe that she can go on, she knows that
Matthew would he disappointed in her if she gave up. She turned her
emptiness into activism, channeling her efforts to humanize gays, change
cultural attitudes, and establish the Matthew Shepard Foundation, “dedi-
cated to the principle of helping people move beyond tolerance to embrace
and rejoice in diversity.”i“ Mrs. Shepard is committed to eradicating what
happened to her son; she has been transformed.

Advice to Youths: If Parents Remain Silent After Disclosure
If parents act as if the coming-out conversation never happened, ask
no questions, never bring up the subject, and make comments that assume
their child is heterosexual, then youths might well remember, “Each time
you tell soineone else in your extended family, each time you bring up
a gay subject, when you bring a boyfriend or girlfriend home, when you
meet new people and make introductions-all these are occasions when
your parents will, once again, encounter the fact that you’re gay.””
Although youths might feel abandoned, invisible, angry, and exasper-
ated-and perhaps relieved that no one is talking about this embarrassing
subject-it: might be best t o
= Be patient, compassionate, and persevere.
1 Respect parents’ feelings.
1 Be compassionate when asserting the legitimacy of their
sexuality.
1 Strike a balance between the need t o talk freely and openly
and the parents’ need to cope.
1 Weave their sexuality into normal conversations, gently at first,
so that parents adjust and learn how to talk about the subject.
Youths may need t o teach their parents this skill.
1 Prepare them in advance of bringing home a girlfriend or boy-
friend.
Although little is known about developments in the parent-youth

relationship after disclosure because investigators have generally neglected
the all-important issue of family life following disclosure, it is difficult to
ascertain how common any particular pattern of response is-if indeed any
patterns exist. In the aftermath it is probably rare that parents follow a
sequence of predictable mourning stages, as noted in chapter 3. More likely,
a diversity of sequences and processes permeates their reactions. Perhaps
ranilom ebents, the age of the participants, the context of the disclosure,
personality characteristics of the parents, and other factors are critical. If
developmental sequences of reactions exist, we have not yet discovered
which parents fall into which categories for which reasons.
~
Advice to Parents: Mourning the Loss in Predictable Stages?

Heterosexual parents confronted by their child’s same-sex attractions
should be leery of accepting without question the Kubler-Ross develop-
mental stage model of mourning. Although this model describes the
(contimes )

(continued)
acceptance process of some parents, for many others it has limited, if any,
applicability. Both research and personal stories indicate the following:
1 Parents might not be shocked by the disclosure because of long-
standing suspicions and thus move immediately to acceptance
without denial, anger, or despair.
1 Stages can he reversed. Parents can become depressed before
becoming angry.
Parents can skip stages. For example, parents may not bargain
after denial and anger.
1 Parents might never reach some stages. For example, parents
may become fixated at denial by threatening the child with
emotional isolation.
If parents expect their reactions to follow the grieving model, they
may he imposing on themselves a false sense of what are “normal” re-
sponses, which may in turn cause further agony and confusion. Parents
might ask such perplexing questions as
1 What does it mean to be a parent who seldom feels anger
toward one’s child or to be told that one cannot move toward
acceptance without venting rage?
1 Should one feel “abnormal” if one never feels depressed,
ashamed, guilty, or remorseful?
1 What if one is so committed to unconditionally loving one’s
child that celebration follows disclosure?
Kiibler-Ross’s developmental model of expectable reactions has re-
deeming value if it gives a sense that one is not alone, that other parents
share the trauma, and that current feelings are a necessary step toward
peace and acceptance. More commonly, parents develop their own style
of responding, in their own time.
The process of learning about their child and accepting him or her
can also enhance parent development. Parents in one support group spoke
of a pragmatic self-questioning that the discovery of their child’s sexuality
elicited: “Who is my child, and what do I want for her/him?” These queries
often stimulated an inner process of self-examination:
This was an opportunity for growth and personal development, coinci-
dent with transirions in middle age. Some talked about feelings of guilt,
not related to the question of causality, but rather because of their
initially negative responses to the news of a gay or lesbian child. This
introspective process frequently resulted in a more realistic assessment

of parental expectations as well as delineated boundaries between parent
and child.”
With this reorientation, parents alter their expectations of their child’s
future and hence themselves. In this self-transformation, a few parents
become agents of social change, improving the life of their child, the children
of other parents, and their own lives. In small, personal ways, they help
other parerits who are struggling to accept a child with same-sex attractions
by providing accurate information and emotional support. On a larger scale,
parents lobby or march in gay pride parades for fairer local, state, and
national ordinances, laws, and policies. Some feel comfortable speaking
publicly in the community and distributing accurate information on homo-
sexuality. Mary Griffith, who lost her son to suicide because she failed to
support him, turned her guilt into a crusade to help gay kids. On dozens of
talk shows, school assemblies, and interviews and articles, she has helped
to transform public attitudes and sympathies. Her mission has resulted in
personal growth that she could not have imagined before her 1 0 ~ s . ~ ’
A FINAL WORD
W h e n sexual-minority youths disclose their sexual orientation to par-

ents, all family members are affected. In a very real sense, everyone “comes
out.” T h e youth, individual family members, and the family system face
subsequent developmental issues and clinical hurdles that may be unrivaled
and considerably more formidable than anything previously encountered.
It is not that parents matter so little but that they often matter so much.
Or, it can be a relatively uneventful discovery that hardly registers in ongoing
family relations. It is this diversity that counters any simplistic generalizations
about parent-youth relationships before, during, and after disclosure.
O n e consistency that I found among the sexual-minority youths I
interviewed is their need, similar to all adolescents, for a predictable, safe,
and sustaining home-one that will honor and trust them, will let them
lead an authentic life that is both fun and meaningful, and will nurture
j ~ their book written specifically for sexual-
their growth toward a d ~ 1 t h o o d . In
minority youths, Ellen Bass and Kate Kaufman endorsed this view.
If your family is working well, it is a supportive environment in which
to bt: yourself. A healthy family is safe place to explore your thoughts
and feelings and to learn the skills you need in relationship to others.
I n healthy families, you experience yourself as lovable, precious, and
valued. . . . Whether your family is accepting and nurturing, critical,
or abusive, there’s no denying their influence on your life. For most
people, family acceptance-or rejection-of their sexual orientation is
very significant.”

Just because a youth has same-sex attractions does not lessen the historic
centrality of the parents for her or his identity, sense of self-worth, and
feelings of safety. Perhaps as a result, coming out to parents is often perceived
by health care providers as an external measure of a youth’s mental health
and her or his commitment to a sexual identity. I am not so sure this
equation is accurate. It might be smart or a measure of self-worth not to
come out to parents, especially if by so doing a youth places herself or
himself in danger. Or, coming out to parents might be such a nonevent that
it is meaningless as an assessment of adolescent health. Whether one is out
might simply reflect the nature of the parent-child relationship-whether
it is close, distant, nonexistent, or in need of repair-and not necessarily
the mental health status of the youth.
Of course the response a youth receives from parents can influence
her or his acceptance of a sexual identity and thus be a measure of personal
growth, but I doubt if it is a profound determinant. Many youths accept
their sexuality prior to disclosing; indeed, it is this very affirmation that
allows them to share the information with parents in the first place. For
these youths, the reactions of parents matter less in terms of self-esteem
and more in terms of how much they will continue to share their life on
a daily basis with their parents. Perhaps they realize that the clearest and
most accurate statement about coming out to parents is that the eventual
outcome on the parent-youth relationship is best predicted by the nature
of their prior relationship. This is not an insignificant point and yet it is
often ignored in the popular and scientific literatures. However, it is not
one that youths who are contemplating coming out can or should ignore.
Because the full range of positive and negative outcomes might ensue
after an adolescent comes out to a parent, as friends, educators, health
care professionals, and research scholars, we must be circumspect making
recommendations to youths about whether, when, and how they ought to
disclose. In particular, we should be sensitive to the changing image of what
it means to be a sexual minority. Many stereotypes about the gay “lifestyle”
have recently eroded, as well as the cultural representation of gay as a White,
well-to-do identity. Wilson Cruz, who appeared on ABC’s My So-called
Life, and Pedro Zamora, who appeared on MTV’s Real World, were the early
and visible exceptions. Clearly, deciding to come out to parents involves
unique issues for ethnic-minority individuals who are also lesbian, bisexual,
or gay.
As mental health professionals, we should also recognize our unique
opportunities and obligations to assist youths and family members to shift
from a possible trajectory of emotional turmoil to one of healthy develop-
ment. If the youths’ narratives are to be believed-as well as most research
on sexual-minority adults-sexual-minority youths are fabulously success-
ful navigating the terrain of their sexuality and becoming healthy, well-

functioning adults. This resiliency-a necessary adaptation to living in
heterocentric and homonegative environments-is generally not recognized
in the popular media and clinical literature, which tend to emphasize the
“doom and gloom” of gay youths. This clinicalization of sexual-minority
youths does a great disservice to their accomplishments. T h e message is
clear: To be young, happy, and gay is well nigh impossible, a contradiction,
a n oxymoron.j6O n e young man I interviewed, still in high school, wondered
during his interview whether h e could really be gay because he had not yet
artempted suicide. His sole source of information about gay youth has been
gathered from news accounts, magazine articles, and television shows
__ of the
(supposedly) high suicide rates among homosexual adolescents.”
Whether resilient or troubled, sexual-minority youths have received
increasing cultural visibility during the past decade. Most families today
have a sexual-minority member or know someone who is. Nearly every junior
high school student knows what homosexuality is. It is nearly impossible for
a North American citizen not to see homosexuality portrayed on television
or in the movies or written about in magazines or newspapers. Individuals
might attempt to deny its existence, but this is becoming increasingly difficult
to do with each gay pride march held or denied, each law passed or rejected,
o r each adoption granted or refused. The cultural zeitgeist has evolved such
that even nominally or absolutely convinced heterosexual youths sometimes
question their sexuality, wonder if they have or had same-sex attractions,
or think about their sexual orientation or sexual identity.
I believe that these are positive developments, although cultural visibil-
ity can impose developmental handicaps for sexual-minority youths who do
not want to “out” themselves. Today such youths have fewer options to
hide, which takes away opportunities to pace coming out to fit individual
developmental needs. Another option, discussed in the next chapter, has
also become a reality for many youths: recognizing and acknowledging having
same-sex attractions without declaring a sexual identity.
One of the most striking developments during the past few years has
been a lowering of the disclosure age and the large number of sexual-minority
youths who disclose to family members while still living at home. This
contrasts markedly with earlier cohorts of youths, most of whom could
remain safely hidden and tightly closeted until they moved into their own
apartment, dorm room, or house. Thus, adolescents are coping with family
reactions earlier, more immediately, and for longer periods of time than those
who grew up during any previous generation. This fact has its developmental
benefits--tackling developmentally appropriate issues of identity, intimacy,
sexuality, attachment, independence, and authenticity-as well as its detrac-
tions-facing the loss of parental acceptance or support, peer harassment,
emotional and physical abuse, and self-contempt during a particularly vulner-
able time. Most youths I interviewed who are out to their parents successfully
NEGOTlATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS 23 7

weather the majority of these developmental milestones; many others who
have not disclosed are uncertain whether they should or whether the present
is the best time.
Throughout this chapter, suggestions and advice for both youths and
parents have been provided concerning how to approach the coming-out
issue. Given the reality of cultural visibility and the difficulties of both
hiding and not hiding, I offer one last suggestion. Perhaps what a sexual-
minority youth needs most practically from parents is how to manage the
disclosure process. Throughout one’s life the issue of disclosure will be
revisited-whether and what to tell, who to tell, when to tell, and how to
tell. This process never ends, and one must learn to anticipate this. Although
there is no correct answer to these questions, two incorrect answers exist:
Tell no one anything, and tell everyone everything. If “it” is a secret, then
it must be shared with someone at some time. If “it” is not a secret, then
in today’s world there are times when it is best not to disclose. This is
unfortunate, but true-at least for now.
ENDNOTES
I Savin-Williams, R. C. (2000). An exploratory study of sexual-minority youths’

relations with their parents. Manuscript submitted for publication.
Varnell, P. (1998, March 6). A class act? How college freshmen stand on
gay issues. Frontiers, pp. 34, 38.
’ Ness, C. (1996, June 30). O u t at an early age: High schools are the new
frontier. Sun Francisco Examiner. Distributed via email list serve, July I , 1996 by
Channel Q News ([email protected]), Doug Case, manager (Doug.Case
@sdsu.edu).
For cross-cultural evidence, see Hillier, L., Dempsey, D., Harrison, L., Beale,
L., Matthews, L., & Rosenthal, D. (1998). Writing themselves in: A national report
on the sexuality, health and well-being of same-sex attracted young people (Monograph
Series 7). Carlton, Australia: La Trobe University, Australian Research Centre in
Sex, Health and Society, National Centre in HIV Social Research.
See, for example, Bass, E., & Kaufman, K. (1996). Free your mind. New York:
Harperperennial; and Henderson, M. G. ( 1998). Disclosure of sexual orientation:
Comments from a parental perspective. AmericunJournal oforthopsychiatry ,68,372-
375.
‘ Page 159 in Bass, E., & Kaufman, K. (1996). Free your mind. New York:
Harperperennial.
Bono, C., with Fitzpatick, B. (1998). Family outing. Boston: Little, Brown;
and Johnson, B. K. (1997). Coming out every day: A gay, bisexual, or questioning
m n ’ s guide. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
’ Page 165 in Anderson, Ll. (1987). Family and peer relations of gay adoles-
cents. Adolescent Psychiutry, 15, 163-178.

' DAugelli, A. R. (1991). Gay men in college: Identity processes and adapta-
tions. Journal of College Student Development, 32, 140-146; D'Augelli, A. R., &
Hershherger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth in community settings:
P~ychology,21, 421-448; and Cramer, D. W., 6.Roach, A. J. (1988). Coming out
to mom and dad: A study of gay males and their relationships with their parents.
lotcrnai of Homosexuality, 15, 79-9 1.
Pages 9-1 1 in Bono, C., with Fitzpatick, B. (1998). Family outing. Boston:
Little, Brown.
' I Further discussion of these ideas can be found in Anderson, D.(1987).
Family and peer relations of gay adolescents. Adolescent Psychiatry, 15, 163-1 78;
Brown, L. S. (1988). Lesbians, gay men and their families: Common clinical issues.
journal of Gay and Lesbian Psychotherapy, I , 65-77; and Herdt, G., 6r Boxer, A.
( 1993). Children of Horizons: How gay and lesbian teens are leading a new way out of
the closet. Boston: Beacon Press.
" Reviewed in Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998). The disclosure to families of
same-sex attractions by lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths. Journal of Research on
Adolescence, 8, 49-68.
"See Bass, E., 6, Kaufman, K. (1996). Free your mind. New York: Harper-
Perennial.
I + Our daughters and sons: Questions and answers for parents of gay, lesbian and
bisexual peopk. Washington, DC: P-FLAG.
Phan, A. (1999, August 31). Drugs tied to trouble with dad. USA Today,
p. 4D.
''Malyon, A. K. (1981). The homosexual adolescent: Developmental issues
and social bias. Child Welfare, 60, 321-330.
Brown, L. S. (1988). Lesbians, gay men and their families: Common clinical
issues. Jourwl of Gay and Lesbian Psychothtmpy, 1 , 65-77.
I'; Bono, C., with Fitzpatick, B. (1998). Farnil3 outing. Boston: Little, Brown;
and Johnson, B. K. (1997). Coming out every day: A gay, bisexual, or questioning
man's guide. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
''See example in Bils, J. (1996, February 22). Second gay teen drops out, joins
suit against school-Riverside-Brookfield chief denies charges. Chicago Tribune.
Distributed via e-mail list serve February 23, 1996 by Channel Q News (qnews
@nsl.cyberspaces.com), Doug Case, manager ([email protected]).
'' Bass, E., & Kaufman, K. (1996).Free your mind. New York: Harperperennial;
Bono, C., with Fitzpatick, B. (1998). Family outing. Boston: Little, Brown; and
Johnson, B. K. (1997). Coming out every clay: A gay, bisexual, or questioning m n ' s
guide. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
'I Page 57, Reese, M., & Abramson, P. (1986, January 13). One family's
struggle. Newsweek, pp. 55-58.
'' Pages 84 and 206, Bono, C., with Fitzpatick, B. (1998). Family outing.
Boston: Litde, Brown.
'' Page 68 in Ryan, C., & Futterman, D. (1998). Lesbian and gay youth: Care
and counseling. New York: Columbia University Press.

’I Page 22 in Garnets, L. D., & Kimmel, D. C. (1993). Lesbian and gay male
dimensions in the psychological study of human diversity. In L. D. Garnets & D. C.
Kimmel (Eds.), Psychological perspectives on lesbian and gay male experiences (pp.
1-51 ). New York: Columbia University Press.
” Rachel B. (1997, May 9). Mom, why do you hate me? Long Beach Press-
Telegram. Distributed via e-mail list serve May 11, 1997 by Channel Q news
([email protected]), Doug Case, manager ([email protected]). Rachel B.
lives on the streets of San Francisco and writes for YO! (Youth Outlook), a newspaper
by and about young people produced by Pacific News Service.
’‘ See research reported in the following reports: D’Augelli, A. R. (1991).
Gay men in college: Icientity processes and adaptations. Journal of College Student
Development, 32, 140-146; D’Augelli, A. R.,Hershberger, S. L., & Pilkington,
N. W . (1998). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth and their families: Disclosure of
sexual orientation and its consequences. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry , 68,
361-371; D’Augelli, A. R.,& Hershberger, S. L. (1993). Lesbian, gay, and bisexual
American Journal of Community Psychology, 21, 421-448; Pilkington, N. W., &
DAugelli, A. R. (1995). Victimization of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth in commu-
nity settings. Journal of Community Psychology, 23, 34-56; and Herdt, G., & Boxer,
A. (1993). Children of Horizons: How gay and lesbian teens are leading a new way out
of the closet. Boston: Beacon Press.
”Page 24 in Woog, D. (1997, October 28). Our parents. The Advocate,
pp. 24-34.
‘‘ Page 373 in Henderson, M.G . (1998). Disclosure of sexual orientation:
Comments from a parental perspective. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry , 68,
372-375.
’’ Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays can be reached at their
Web site: http://www.pflag.org; by email: [email protected]; by phone: 202/638-
4200; or by mail: 1101 14th St. NW, Suite 1030, Washington, DC 20005.
’‘ For a recent example of youths’ stories that present the true diversity of
experiences, see Gray, M. L. (1999). In your face: Stories from the lives of queer
youths. Binghamton, NY: Harrington Park Press.
I’ Page 32 in Vilanch, B. (1999, February 2). Nathan Lane. The Advocate,
pp. 30-35.
I’ Shyer, M. F., & Shyer, C. (1996). Not like other boys: Growing up gay: A
mother and son look hack. Boston: Houghton-Mifflin.
” Page 81 in Scanlan, I). (1995, November 14). Hot property. The Advocate,
pp. 80-83.
j4 Shalit, G.(1997, October 28). For the love of Pete. The Ademate, p. 9.
li P. 57 in Galvin, P. (1998, December 8).Shoot to thrill. The Advocate,
pp. 51-60.
36 Debenport, E. (1997, June 1). Young, gay and alone. St. Petersburg Times.
Distributed via e-mail list serve June 2, 1997 by Channel (2 News (qnews@ channel
q.com), Doug Case, manager (I)[email protected]).
j i Bozett, F. W., & Sussman, M. B. (1989). Homosexuality and family relations:
Views and research issues. Marriage and Family Review, 14, 1-7; Morales, E. S.
240 MOM,riAri. I’M GAL’.

(1989). Ethnic minority families and minority gays and lesbians. Marriage and
Famiiy Reeliew, 14, 217-239; Newman, B. S., & Muzzonigro, P. G. (1993). The
effects of traditional family values on the coming out process of gay male adolescents.
Adolescence, 28, 213-226; Savin-Williams, R. C. (1990). Gay and lesbian youth:
Expressions of identity, Washington, DC: Hemisphere; and Tremble, B., Schneider,
M., & Appathurai, C. (1989). Growing up gay or lesbian in a multicultural context.
liiurnal of Homosexuality, 17, 253-267.
’’ Krestan, J. (1988). Lesbian daughters and lesbian mothers: The crisis of
disclosure froin a family systems perspective. Journal of Psychotherapy and the Family,
3 , 113-130.
’“Elias, M. (1998, December 14). Teen-age girls say Mom’s become a pal.
LiSA T&y, 11-1, D-8.
+‘ Bass, E., & Kaufman, K. (1996). Free your mind. New York: HarperPerennial.
’I Rimm, E., & Bailey, B. (1996, February 28). Teens are finding help coping
with the challenge of being gay. Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel. Distributed via e-mail
list senre March 2, 1996 hy Channel Q News ([email protected]), Doug
Case, manager ([email protected]).
’‘ Page 28 in Woug, 11. (1997, 0ct:ober 28). O u r parents. The Adavcare,
pp. 23-34.
’’ Both quotes are on page 24 in Woog, D. (1997, October 28). Our parents.
The Aduocatc?, pp. 23-34.
i‘ Page 15 in Nycum, B. (2000). The XY survival guide: Euerything you need to
know ubout being young and gay. San Francisco, CA: XY Press.
+’ Pages 57-58, Reese, M., & Abramson, P. (1986, January 13). One family’s
struggle. Neausweek, pp. 55-58. Kelly’s father approached the topic in an opposite
direction, by largely ignoring his son’s homosexuality. He did not reject Kelly but
has since begun the process of coming to terms with his son’s sexuality.
“ Pages 227-229, Bono, C., with Fitzpatick, B. (1998). Family outing. Boston:
Little, Brown.
‘’ Page D2 in Kelly, K. (1996, March 11). Chastity Bono comes out and into
her own. USA Today, D1-D2.
“ All quotes on pages 229-230, Bono, C., with Fitzpatick, B. (1998). Family
outing. Boston: Little, Brown.
’‘I Neroulias, N. (2000, March 8). Shepard recounts son’s “legacy.” Cornell
Daily Sun, 1). 7.

” Cited from http://www.matthewsplace.com/f~)~in~f~~ine.html.
” Page 150, Bass, E., & Kaufman, K. (1996). Free your mind. New York:
HarperPerennial.
’’ Quotes on pages 83-84, Boxer, A. M., Cook, 1. A., & Herdt, G. (1991).
thuhle jeopardy: Identity transitions and parent-child relations among gay and
lesbian youch. In K. Pillemer & K. McCartney (Eds.), Parent-child relations throughout
Life (pp. 59--92). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
’’ Aarcms, L. (1995). Prayers for Bobby: A mother’s coming to terms with the
suicide of her gay son. New York: HarperCollins.

j 4 0 n young men, see my 1998 book, . . . and then I became gay”: Young
‘I
men’s stories (New York: Routledge); on young women, see the yet-to-be-written
account tentatively titled, “ . . . and then I kissed her”: Young women’s stories.
’j Pages 123-124, in Bass, E., & Kaufman, K. (1996). Free you mind. New
York: HarperPerennial.
j6 In particular, note the last chapters of my 1990 and 1998 books, Gay and
lesbian youth: Expressions of identity (Washington, DC: Hemisphere) and (‘ . . . and

then I became gay”: Young men’s stories (New York: Routledge).
j 7 Data supporting the lack of a suicide attempt rate differential between
sexual-minority and heterosexual youths have been submitted for publication in

R. C. Savin-Williams (2000). Suicide attempts among sexuul-minority youths: A n end
to the controversy.

RESEARCH AGENDA
I can think of n o issue concerning the relations sexual-minority youths

have with their families that is not in need of basic ground-breaking behav-
ioral science research. O n e intent of the present investigation is to provide
descriptive and narrative accounts that will prove useful for creating hypoth-
eses that will correct this paucity of research. Although it is difficult to
recommend a specific research agenda because of the enormity of need-
nearly any empirical data on the relations sexual-minority youths have with
their parents would be welcomed at this point-in this chapter I highlight
the most pressing needs in terms of research designs and content areas.’
DESIGN ISSUES
Defining Who Is a Sexual Minority
O n e major scientific obstacle to investigating sexual-minority youths

is ascertaining who counts as a sexual minority. A related question is whether
youths who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual are adequately representative
of the larger population of youths who have same-sex attractions. That is,
hy recruiting gay, lesbian, and bisexual youths, have researchers sampled
sufficiently to warrant generalizations to the much larger population of
youths with same-sex attractions?
Nearly all investigators are silent about the topic of who is a sexual
minority. Few question the postulate that self-identification as gay, bisexual,
or lesbian is an adequate definition of a sexual minority. T h e obligatory,
“cannot generalize to all gay youths,” statement that adorns most Discussion
sections not withstanding, most researchers appear to assume that their
samples of convenience-usually attained from gay-identified organizations
or individuals-are sufficiently inclusive, to speak about “gay youth.”
Three surveys persuasively demonstrate that the number of individuals
with same-sex attractions is certain to be considerably greater than the
number of adolescents who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. First, in a
cross-sectional national study, just over 1% of aclult women and about 3%
243
of adult men identified as lesbian, bisexual, or gay.’ A much larger proportion,
however, reported that they had thought about having sex with someone
of their own gender (about 6%) or had experienced same-sex attractions
(nearly 8%). Women and men did not differ significantly in these propor-
tions. In a survey of Massachusetts’ high schools, 2% of students identified
themselves as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. However, an equal number engaged
in same-sex behavior despite eschewing a lesbian, gay, or bisexual 1abel.j
A third study, the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, found
that 8% of young men and about 7% of young women reported that they
had same-sex romantic attractions or had been in a same-sex romantic
relation~hip.~ This proportion of individuals with same-sex attractions within
a representative sample of adolescents is much greater than any previous
report that inquired only about sexual identity labels.
These three investigations suggest that any study that defines a sexual-
minority population as self-identified gay, lesbian, or bisexual individuals
will, by design, underrepresent the overall population of individuals with
same-sex attractions. This fact is rarely, if ever, considered when designing
and interpreting research on sexual-minority youths. The net effect, I believe,
is the entrenchment of a possibly distorted view of sexual-minority youths,
offering information about identity rather than behaviors, attractions, desires,
fantasies, and affiliations.
One example of the effects of broadening the population sample beyond
identity labels is a surprising finding in the present study: Gender of child
does not matter for whether parents are told. Previous research had found
that young lesbian and bisexual women are more likely than gay men to
come out to parents. The inclusion of a wider range of sexual-minority
women than is customary could account for this disparate finding; question-
ing, curious, and other women who have not identified as lesbian or bisexual
are unlikely to be out to a parent until they are more certain if a sexual
identity label applies to them. Until they know the meaning of their sexual-
ity, why would they complicate their lives by telling their parents?
Because only 1% to 3% of youths designate themselves gay, lesbian,
or bisexual or report that they currently engage in or have had same-sex
behavior in national or representative surveys, clearly many youths are not
volunteering themselves as sexual minorities.’ Reasons for their exclusion
could include one or more of the following; this list should not be consid-
ered exhaustive.
= They are not “out” to themselves (i.e., not aware of their same-
sex attractions) and are thus incapable of identifying as gay,
lesbian, or bisexual. The average age of self-disclosure among
contemporary cohorts of sexual-minority youths who are out
by their early 20s is just before high school graduation.6 Thus,

high school surveys will underestimate the total number of
sexual-minority youths because many individuals are not out
to themselves until young adulthood or later. Based on the
conservative assumption that 4Yo to 6% of the adult population
is lesbian, gay, or bisexual, surveys directed toward sampling a
population of sexual minorities will, by definition, miss at least
half of those who will eventually identify as a sexual minority.
These youths simply are not yet out to themselves. In addition,
high school surveys can only identify sexual-minority youths
as such if they are themselves in high school (i.e., have not
been kicked out of the home, dropped out of school, or be-
. come homeless).
Even among youths who self-label by college graduation, the
average age for disclosing to others is just after high school
graduation.‘ T h e first person is usually a best friend; coming
out to “others”-which theoretically could, but probably will
not, include researchers administering questionnaires in high
school-may be years later. Thus, the vast majority of high
school students with same-sex attractions are unlikely to out
themselves o n a stranger’s questionnaire. I am not convinced
thai: the anonymity of the questionnaire significantly alleviates
a youth’s anxiety about disclosing to a stranger, even for “re-
search purposes.’)
Many youths who are aware of their same-sex attractions and
desires during adolescence are not willing to classify themselves
as lesbian, bisexual, or gay because they do not fit their percep-
tion of the associated stereotypes of that label. Others detest
the political or sexual associations of the label or feel that
the terms are too simplistic or reductionistic to describe their
sexuality. As illustrated in this hook’s narratives, young women
are particularly likely to reject these terms8 In addition, not all
youths with same-sex attractions engage in same-sex behavior
during adolescence, and not all youths who have same-sex
encxlunters are gay, lesbian, or bisexual. This raises doubts as to
the validity of using same-sex behavior as an exclusive criterion
variable for identifying sexual-minority youths-especially
among young women.9
Thus, it is conceivable that researchers are missing at least half and

maybe three quarters of youth with same-sex attractions, raising doubts
about the generalizability of their findings. Although n o study has directly
compared these populations, same-sex attracted adolescents who report a n
awareness of their sexuality, identify as gay, engage in same-sex behavior,
RESEARCH AGENDA 245

and disclose to others at an early age (during adolescence) might be a
significantly different population than those who do not have these charac-
teristics. Thus, many “potential” sexual-minority youths do not identify to
self or to others during adolescence and therefore are not categorized as
such in research investigations. They may well compose the vast majority
of individuals with same-sex desires.
This conclusion is consistent with McConaghy’s recent discussion of
“unresolved issues in scientific sexology.”” McConaghy asserted that too
often researchers assume that sexual attractions are distributed categorically
(gay or straight) rather than dimensionally. When forced in surveys to
categorize themselves, most youths with same-sex attractions will identify
as heterosexual, resulting in a “nongay majority” who have same-sex attrac-
tions. McConaghy concluded, “Such studies are investigating not homosexu-
ality but self-identification as homosexual.””
Sample Differences
The question of whether these participants who volunteer for research

adequately represent sexual-minority youths has largely been ignored. In
research that purports to study youths who identify as gay, bisexual, or
lesbian, youth samples are primarily culled from support groups or campus
political and social organizations, creating the possibility of selection bias.
Perhaps youths who join community or collegiate groups do so because they
believe that their life is significantly difficult that they need the assistance
of a support group, and youths who seek the allegiance of a political activist
organization have emotional or social agendas they want to implement. The
important question, however, is seldom addressed: Does this self-selection
of youths into particular research studies have the potential to distort our
view of their lives, including their family relationships? For example, would
conservative Log Cabin Young Republicans participate in social sciences
research and, if not, are their experiences coming out to their parents similar
to those who join radical political groups on campus? Do closeted, by
necessity, gay, lesbian, and bisexual ROTC cadets have the same reason for
disclosing to their parents as do “queer” youths?
O n the basis of my personal experiences advising and leading both
community and collegiate groups, I believe that many of these youths have
unique developmental histories that can create distinctive parent-child
interactions. For example, when compared to their non-member, same-sex
attracted peers, these youths may be more likely to adopt a radical political
or social ideology that advocates breaking family ties and establishing “fami-
lies of creation”; to feel rejected by their dysfunctional family of origin
because one parent has a history of mental illness or abuse; to be harassed
by peers because of their sex-atypical mannerisms, “pushing” them out of

the closet earlier than is typical; and to have personal or emotional needs
that can be addressed by these groups, such as developing personal bound-
aries, social skills, and support. Thus, youths in social and political groups
might have exceptional reasons for deciding whether, how, and when to
come out to their parents and have parents who react to the disclosure in
an inimitable, albeit negative and distressing manner.
These two groups might, in turn, draw from significantly different
populations. For example, those who attend college might be more reluctant
than youths from urban support groups to disclose because they fear the
power of parents to sever their financial support and to isolate them emotion-
ally. Because they frequently live away from home most of the year, college
students can lead a new, private life as a lesbian, gay, or bisexual person
without disclosing to parents until a “safe” time arrives. Being out as a sexual
minority on campus and closeted at home characterizes the lives of some
young adults. In the case of urban support group youths, because they are
more likely to live at home, they often have greater difficulty keeping their
sexual identity a secret. They thus disclose or are discovered to be lesbian,
gay, or bisexual, forcing everyone in the family to confront issues of having
a sexual-minority member earlier and more directly.
The consequences of these biased sampling techniques and populations
are unknown but likely distort the knowledge we have, the ways this knowl-
edge is used to alter lives, and the construction of future research agendas.
Investigators must make special efforts to assemble new strategies for recruit-
ing more representative and seldom-studied populations. One resolution
would be to eschew sexual identity labels and rely on descriptions of behav-
iors, desires, and attractions. And if we do conduct research using such
labels, let us first recognize their limitations, be clear about this fact, and
speculate as to how these labels might influence the results of the study.
Rather than focusing on particular sexual identity labels, one method I use
for sampling populations of sexual-minority youths is to recruit women who
report physical or romantic attractions to other women.I2Many of the young
women I interview reject-and some abhor-the terms lesbian and bisexual
because they sound “so sexual” or “so clinical” and carry connotations of a
radical leftist political ideology. These young women have a mental picture
of what a lesbian or bisexual looks like or is, and they do not like it or they
feel that it does not fit them. One young woman told me, “Bisexual makes
it seem that I have two sexes or split sexualities.” If they must have a label,
then many prefer guy. Their preference is to describe physical, affectional,
and romantic behaviors and attractions and thus to offer a more accurate
reflection of their sexuality.
Although young women are more likely to come out to their parents
by describing their attractions or romantic involvements, young men more
often use a sexual identity label. Sexual identity labels afford a greater degree
RESEARCH AGENDA 247

of consensus among men in terms of their meanings and implications for
development. No male I interviewed reported that he detests the terms guy
or bisexual. Perhaps the problem is that researchers have simply not recruited
a group of young men who are sufficiently diverse with respect to sexual
identity to know if this unanimity is accurate. T h e degree to which the
perspectives and experiences of this larger population of youths with same-
sex attractions are distinct from self-identified youths needs exploration. It
would help if more investigators, across a wide range of disciplines and
research agendas, were asking questions about the existence, number, and
proportion of sexual behaviors, attractions, and romantic relationships that
a n individual has with males and females. Let us not limit inquiries about
sexual attractions to those who conduct research on gay and lesbian issues.
Another strategy for diversifying the research pool of sexual-minority
youths involves using the Internet to recruit participants. On-line market
researchers have discovered this technique by surveying a group of partici-
pants-young teenage girls-who seldom volunteer for their research. Trend
consultant Marian Salzman noted, “In cyberspace, everyone is the same. If
you don’t have to look someone in the eye, you can ask them anything.
And they’ll tell you exactly what they think.”” This strategy might also be
particularly pertinent for youths who have attractions for other girls or boys
but who would not designate themselves as such when traditional research
methods are used. T h e Internet might also be particularly helpful with
recruiting isolated youths who live away from research centers and support
groups, shy youths, and adolescents who are just coming out. For example,
researcher Lynne Hillier and her colleagues used the Internet to encourage
rural and politically isolated youths to share their anecdotal responses to
questions in the first national Australian study of same-sex attracted y o u t h ~ . ’ ~
Thus, the most challenging task for researchers is to adequately sample
from the total pool of those with same-sex attractions. Because many youths
d o not identify as a sexual minority until young adulthood or later, attempts
to recruit a n adolescent population necessarily result in major methodologi-
cal problems. Consequently, what is currently known about family relations
among sexual-minority adolescents does not likely reflect the lives of the
vast majority of youths who do not volunteer for research, many of whom
are not prepared to acknowledge their same-sex orientation to researchers.
A less desirable alternative is to depend on retrospective data collection
techniques. Although psychologists Andrew Boxer and Bert Cohler articu-
lated the pitfalls of using this methodology (e.g., accuracy of recall, biased
memory) ,“ recent research on autobiographical memory suggests that retro-
spective methodologies are often accurate for significant life transitions.16
To improve recall accuracy, investigators must ground memories in concrete
details and to assess participants soon after experiencing the recalled life
transitions. However, until a diverse and large number of local samples
248 MOM,DAD.I’M GAY.

of youths, who are fully described in terms of relevant characteristics, or
representative samples of youths can be recruited-which will not happen
until the stigma of being a sexual minority decreases rather dramatically-
extreme caution must be observed when attempting to generalize or extrapo-
late from existing empirical studies.
Assessing Samples of Parents
Biases in sample selection are not limited to the discriminatory nature

of youth populations. These problems may actually be magnified when
assessing the attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors of parents, because most parent
samples are solicited from social or political support groups, most notably
P-FLAG, or from clinicians’ caseloads. Research based o n these populations
might very well distort the reality of how typical parents react t o having a
sexual-minority child. For example, prior t o joining these groups, these adults
might vary from those who do not seek a support group in temperament,
personality characteristics, cognitive styles, attitudes, ethnicity, and social
class. Parents who attend a support group are more likely t o be White, well
eilucated, liberal, empathic, extroverted, and help-seeking than those who
do not, a i d , perhaps, t o have experienced a n upsetting coming-out event
that compelled them t o seek assistance. Once in a support group, parents
typically become more open, secure, and accepting than other parents and
more likely to subscribe t o the sequence of grieving stages propounded by
their support group, thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy in which all or
most of the stages are experienced. Although these parent samples are not
likely to be representative of parents with a sexual-minority child, the ways
in which they vary are, at best, speculative.
Also not included are parents who do not participate in research
because their child has not yet self-labeled as nonheterosexual or who do
not know they have a sexual-minority child. Absent as well are those severely
embarrassed by parenting a sexual-minority child and those who vow never
t o vcilunteer because of political or personal reasons (e.g., those who resent
psychologists “studying us”). Other parents might feel comfortable with their
new status but decide not t o share this fact with researchers-either because,
“Everything went s o smoothly they wouldn’t be interested in my story” or
“We don’t want to be public spectacles; we just want our privacy.” The net
effect of these recruitment difficulties is that little is known about how
“typical” parents react to having a sexual-minority child.
Not all, however, is lost. O n e result of cultural shifts in the visibility
and acceptance of sexual-minority individuals is the greater number and
diversity of families that include youths who declare their same-sex attrac-
tions and are thus potentially available for inclusion in research samples.
Although it is tempting t o dismiss many of the early studies because they
RESEARCH AGENDA 249

are based on a highly select, small subject pool, they provide an initial
understanding of the important dynamics that need to be explored by
investigators. I do not mean to imply that it is now feasible to draw represen-
tative or random samples of sexual-minority populations and their families,
only that current samples can now be more representative of nonheterosexual
populations than previous efforts allowed.
Given these realities, developmental researchers should not, without
peril, generalize beyond the characteristics of a particular population of
lesbians, gays, and bisexuals and their parents. To best advance develop-
mental perspectives on sexual minorities, research designs should be elabo-
rately described, especially the ways in which participants were recruited,
and all relevant characteristics of the sample should be detailed. An honest
appraisal regarding the limitations of the research sample (e.g., who is and
is not represented) should be provided such that other investigators can
compare findings among various populations. The ultimate goal is to have as
many diverse samples as possible, each adequately described, that singularly
characterizes some aspect of development and that, in combination with
other studies, forms a mosaic of sexual-minority life.
Diversity of Samples
Recruiting diverse populations of lesbians, bisexuals, and gay youths

is a difficult task; as a result, many “types” of sexual-minority youths are
usually underrepresented in research studies. Few youths of color or those
from diverse educational, socioeconomic, and geographical backgrounds
have been adequately sampled. Youths with nonexclusive and changing
sexual attractions, those who are unlabeled, those who are curious, and
those who are questioning are nearly invisible in research. Given that
participants must volunteer in order to be included in research, nonverbally
oriented and shy youths probably seldom participate, regardless of how much
anonymity is assured. Because more contemporary youths are attending
college than in the past, it is not wrong to sample from college populations-
as long as a diversity of colleges are brought into the research protocol, and
noncollege youths are encouraged to participate. Sampling only private,
state, or community colleges will distort findings because each excludes
meaningful subpopulations of sexual-minority youths.
Perhaps the most neglected group is ethnic-minority youths. One deter-
rent to sorting through the effects of ethnicity is that relatively few studies
on bisexual, gay, or lesbian youths have sufficient numbers of ethnic-minority
individuals to conduct separate analyses. Those that include ample numbers
have seldom included ethnicity as a discriminating independent variable,
perhaps because investigators assume ethnic status does not or should not
matter. A recent study I conducted with Eric Dub6 challenges this notion

in terms of developmental milestone^.'^ However, even this study does not
distinguish intragroup differences, treating, for example, Japanese, Chinese,
and Korean youths as “Asian Americans.” Targeted research studies compar-
ing the coining out to parent experiences, directed at particular ethnic
populations (e.g., Latino) and the various groups within this category (e.g.,
Cuban, Puerto Rican, and Mexican youths), would address this shortcoming.
Insufficient ethnic-minority representation can also result from such
youths failing to disclose their sexual orientation to White researchers. The
net effect has compounded the silence about ethnicity and sexual orientation
and has perhaps precluded other ethnic-minority individuals from disclosing
their sexual orientation and participating in research projects. Consequently,
caution must be exercised when generalizing from studies conducted with
White youths about the uniqueness or sameness of ethnic-minority gay,
lesbian, and bisexual youths and their families. Although these youths face
special circumstances attempting to blend their sexuality within the context
of their ethnic identity and family, they may have distinct sources of commu-
nity support that also need to be recognized.
Longitudinal Studies
Typical of fields of study without a long history of theory and research,

many methodological issues plague investigations of sexual-minority youths
and their families. Most needed from a developmental perspective are pro-
spective, longitudinal studies that document and explain casual relations
among variables. To date I know of only one such investigation with sexual-
minority youths: Lisa Diamond’s ongoing exploration of sexual identity
development among young women with same-sex attractions.”
Longitudinal designs allow researchers to study relationship histories
and family dynamics prior to disclosure, shortly after disclosure, and at
regular in1:ervals thereafter. For example, investigators could explore the
casual relationship between motivations and methods of disclosure and
prior parent-child interactions (do “good” and ‘(bad”reasons and ways of
disclosing really exist or are they merely a continuation of past patterns?),
anticipated and actual parental reactions to disclosure (are the negative
expectations of nondisclosing youths justified?),and coming out and psycho-
logical health (does disclosure lead to health, or are the healthy most likely
to disclose their sexuality?). The processes and degree to which parents
integrate into their self-conception their new status as parents of a sexual-
minority child can thus be evaluated.
Several particularly vexing questions could be addressed by longitudinal
designs. For example, does an agreeable prior relationship with parents
encourage youths to disclose to them, or is their relationship now satisfying
because youths have disclosed to them? This would be particularly useful
RESEARCH AGENDA 25 1
information for youths contemplating whether to disclose-can they expect
a rocky relationship to improve?Do they risk a positive, although perhaps not
ideal, relationship with their parents if they come out?Another unanswered
question that could be addressed is the process by which family members
come to suspect or know the sexual orientation of a youth prior to an
overt disclosure. What is the basis of these suspicions? Does this knowledge
ameliorate their response to the disclosure?In addition, in combination with
ongoing cross-sectional research, longitudinal studies would help distinguish
findings due to historic, cultural changes (e.g., parents becoming increasingly
comfortable with homosexuality because of cultural visibility) that affect
different cohorts from those that occur within particular families (e.g.,
parent-youth dynamics improving over time independent of cultural
changes).
Ideally these studies would begin early in the life of the family, perhaps
even before a youth becomes aware of same-sex attractions-usually in
early to middle childhood. An obstacle would be the lack of reliable early
indicators, other than male sex atypicality, of same-sex attractions that
would allow researchers to identify which children will not likely progress
toward heterosexuality. Displaying characteristics typical of girls, failing to
develop an interest in archetypal boy games and activities, and becoming
erotically oriented toward boys predicts later same-sex attractions for some
boys-but clearly not all. Reliable child precursors of later sexual-minority
status do not exist for many young adult women.” Short of these data,
researchers have relied on retrospective data from youths after they self-
label, disclose, and volunteer to participate in research projects.
In addition to the problem of identifying appropriate participants, a
prospective methodology has other logistic drawbacks. For example, few
parents, human subject committees, social institutions, or funding agencies
would approve a project purporting to follow a group of children for many
years with sexual orientation as a primary variable-although they might
be less adverse to the project if same-sex attractions or desires were proposed
as one among many demographic or biological factors. The processes of self-
labeling and disclosure can be so protracted, perhaps lasting a decade or
two, that the required time for even identifying which participants are sexual
minorities and which ones are not is dauntingly long. One alternative
research design is to earmark particular children for study because of charac-
teristics thought to correlate with a later sexual-minority status: early sex-
atypical mannerisms, cross-gender role interests, large number of older broth-
ers, or fingerprint ridge patterns. Historic or archival (e.g., home videos)
data from presently defined sexual-minority individuals can also supplement
retrospective questioning if the information needed is of childhood origins.
A problem with both approaches is that not all sexual-minority youths have

these sex-atypical or correlated characteristics and not all families have
access to video equipment or film the intended behavior. Whether those
who do are similar to those who do not is unknown.
Inclusion of Youths and Their Family Members
Much of what is known about families with a gay member has been
largely derived from the perspectives of sexual-minority youths, seldom from
their parents, and rarely, if at all, from siblings, grandparents, and other
extended family members. T h e primary reason for this partiality to youth
is that current cohorts of youths are more comfortable than their family
members participating in research investigating same-sex attractions. Few
family members are thrilled telling researchers that they have a gay relative.
Thus, youths come forward volunteering their lives for inspection but not
their families, who remain reticent about discussing these matters. T h e net
effect is to limit the voices of nongay family members reflecting about the
ramifications on their lives of having a gay member, which restricts our
understanding of the complex dynamics between sexual-minority youths
and their family.
Indeed, I have yet to find a single, substantial, scientific study that
includes a sample of sexual-minority youths and their family members. The
absence of this very simple research design is a major deficiency in the
literature--one that the present study failed to address as well.” Knowing
the youths’ perspectives of the relations they have with their family is
interesting in its own right-informing us about the perception of youths-
but it yields a less than complete or objective understanding of what
family members believe they are experiencing. It also handicaps an explora-
tion of factors that determine how family members react to the disclosure,
such as their attitudes, beliefs, prior experiences, friendships, temperament,
and age. Needed is research that includes all parties to the disclosure,
comparing information provided by sexual-minority youths and family
members.
A n example of how various sources provide different perspectives is
vividly portrayed in a recent Seventeen magazine article. Mike, a gay son,
reported that after h e disclosed to his parents they argued with him and
kicked him out of the house. His mother, however, maintained that it was
not a fight and that she had asked Mike to leave because h e was ignoring
family rules regarding curfew.” Youths may accurately report parental behav-
ior, including their initial reactions to finding out that they have a gay
child, but may interpret these behaviors differently from the way in which
they were intended. This perception may be at odds with how parents are
actually experiencing the event.
RESEARCH AGENDA 253

Presentation of Results
Complicating an analysis of these issues is the variety of ways in which

studies have addressed questions or presented results. For example, the gender
of the parent to whom a youth has disclosed is not always distinguished,
such as when data are reported as “at least one parent knows.” In some
studies, disclosure refers to a direct, open discussion; in others, youths simply
report that they believe their parents “know” or should know. Often no
clarification is given as to the certainty of this knowledge or the way in
which parents found out. Parents might know through quite diverse methods,
including being told directly by the youth or by someone else, such as
another family member. Or, parents know because of their own suspicions
or by accidentally discovering love letters or pornography while putting
away clothes or cleaning under the youth’s bed. Whether method of discover-
ing the child’s sexual orientation is important and for what reasons are
open questions.
Another common problem is that results are usually presented as
averages, which mask considerable variation. For example, although every
study has shown that mothers are told before fathers, some youths explicitly
discuss their same-sex orientation with their father years before telling their
mother. Some youths tell parents before telling best friends, while the youth
is in middle school or while the parent is on his or her deathbed. It can
be a lag of minutes between coming out to one parent and then the other,
or it can be years or even a lifetime. Parents and siblings can be shocked;
others reply, “This is old news.” Parents can reject their child; they can
also celebrate the disclosure. Some youths tell both parents together; others
tell their mother and ask that she tell the father or demand that she not
tell, and the mother either does or does not honor the request.
Presenting mean scores is the norm in research reports describing
the relations sexual-minority youths have with their family. Although this
information is important, and I would not diminish its significance, averages
by themselves are insufficient. Standard deviations, ranges, and qualitative
presentations are critical to increasing our understanding of the diversity
and complexity of parent-youth relationships.
CONTENT AREAS
Relatively little descriptive information has been systematically

obtained about sexual-minority youths and their parents. The most basic
information is often missing, such as the words used in the disclosure, the
spirit in which parents are told, and the emotional state of either the youth
or the parent during disclosure. Where did the conversation take place?

Who else was present? What role did each play? How long did the disclosure
conversation take? What transpired immediately after disclosure?More com-
plicated questions, such as how the parent-child relationship history affects
initial and subsequent parental reactions or how the disclosure subsequently
changes family dynamics, have been ignored.
Research on the reaction a parent has to discovering the same-sex
attractions of a child has seldom distinguished the initial response from
the current status of the relationship. Responses are usually superficially
categorized as “accepting,” “tolerant,” “intolerant,” or “rejecting.” More
options should be available and more questions should be asked. For example,
were parental reactions predictable on the basis of their prior relationship?
Did the reactions affect the youth’s development? Following disclosure,
how have parent-youth relationships changed over time? What factors are
conducive to and what ones are destructive for development? Unclear from
the empirical literature, what is the process by which parents take advantage
of the opportunity to move toward acceptance of a sexual-minority child?
Why have other parents failed to resolve this dilemma? One speculation is
that a parent’s response depends not only on the relationship the two have
prior to disclosure but also on how the youth’s same-sex attractions are
discovered, such as whether one is told directly by the youth or indirectly
by others. Indeed, it is difficult to ascertain from the empirical literature
whether sexual-minority youths have better, worse, or the same relationships
with parents compared with heterosexual youths. This is an astonishing
admission given preconceived notions about the negative impact homosexu-
ality has on parents.
Because little is known about how parents move from their initial
response to the disclosure to their current position, the universal, inevitable
grieving and loss stages described in chapter 3 are seldom documented. Are
the stages characteristic of most transitions? Do these stages per se have a
basis in reality, or, as suggested in this study, do they better represent the
variety of ways in which parents initially respond to the disclosure?Empirical
research with parents who do not belong to organizations that teach such
models needs to be conducted. In general, too little attention has been paid
to how parents respond over time-is it similar to the “coming-out” process
of their sexual-minority child?
As evident in the present study, the gender of both the youth and the
parent must be taken into account when describing any aspect of the coming-
out-to-parents process. This is why I presented the parent-youth narratives
separate by sex in chapters 4-7. The relations youths have with their parents
are dependent on the gender of the parent-and youths differ in this regard
depending in part on their gender. Generalizations about young women
with same-sex attractions have been based on findings from young gay and
bisexual men for far too long.22References to “parents,” as if they were a
RESEARCH AGENDA 255

single unit, a single sex, should also be reevaluated. Although we know that
on average more mothers are told before fathers, little is known regarding
whether mothers are told in a different manner than are fathers and whether
ethnicity, social class, and regional differences contribute to these sex differ-
ences. The finding in this book that fathers do not react as horribly as the
literature would lead one to expect needs explanation. Perhaps there is a
new generation of fathers, some of whom are unwilling to throw away their
connection with their son. Unfortunately, many fathers appear to have
little or no significant relationship, either positively or negatively, with
their daughter.
Another question seldom asked is, what is the basis for telling one
family member and not another-such as mother and not father or one
sister and not another? The easy answer is that it is related to how sexual-
minority youths expect a particular family member to react. Yet factors that
predict how family members react once a youth has disclosed to them are
poorly understood. A starting point would be to understand both the family
context (exposure to alternative lifestyles?) within which youths disclose
and personality characteristics (novelty seeking or flexibility?) of family
members. One mother, aware of many of these issues, added her own
agenda questions.
Is the youngster a n only child? Do family members know gay, lesbian,
or bisexual friends or colleagues? What are their political and religious
attitudes? What are their styles of dealing with ernotionally charged
family issues? What geographic, social, economic, and ethnic milieus
do they live in. . . . It would be helpful to know more definitely what
influenced these families.”
Bertram Cohler and Jeff Beeler described difficulties parents experience

attempting to maintain close emotional ties with their child while being
forced to learn a new role as a parent of a sexual-minority ~ffspring.‘~ This
“backward socialization” of parents into new roles creates role strain. Having
nonheterosexual children often reminds parents about what their parents
said to them-“You’ll be a bad parent”--or reminds them of their own
same-sex attractions that they forsook to lead a traditional life. Parents may
resent the child who can now live the “queer life” they could not. Indeed,
disclosure may have long-term effects on the self-conception of parents.
Mitzi Henderson asserted that researchers must identify the “resources, inter-
nal and external, that supportive families draw on,” such that whatever
success they have can be available to families who encounter difficulties.”
Research must also converge on child variables that affect parental
reactions, such as the child’s age and status in the home, degree of sex
atypicality, personality characteristics, history of relating to family members,
method and style of disclosure, and involvement in a romantic relationship.

Although research has not tested the hypothesis that parental reactions are
more severe if the child is not an adult-largely because too many other
intervening variables, such as sample recruitment bias, are not controlled-
it is an important consideration for youths pondering disclosure. Youths
who disclose their same-sex attractions while concurrently disclosing that
they are HIV-positive or that they are a victim of a hate crime might receive
unique parental responses.
Obscured from a research point of view is whether parents know their
child’s sexual proclivities, not because the child disclosed to them but
because they became suspicious of the child’s sex-atypical behavior or man-
nerisms, friends she or he selected, or the absence of heterosexual activities.
Worth distinguishing are the dynamics in families in which the youth’s
same-sex attractions have been openly disclosed, have not been discussed
but everyone knows that everyone knows, are a source of parental suspicion,
and are not known.
Disclosure beyond the immediate family is another fertile area for
research. Neglected are studies that explore sexual-minority youths’ relation-
ships with siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. Extended family
members may be underused resources of acceptance and support. Although
some intlividuals report that they will never be fully out until their grandpar-
ents are dead, they may be relinquishing potential sources of guidance
from grandparents who could assume a n intermediary role in salvaging the
integrity and coherency of the family.
All areas of sexual-minority youths and their families are in need of
empirical inquiry. Even the most basic information, such as average age at
which youths disclose t o parents or siblings, is seldom asked. Of all possible
times, why did they come out then? Why not earlier or later? W h a t provoked
the discloscire at that particular time? Reasons for disclosing or not disclosing
have never, to my knowledge, been systematically studied among sexual-
minority youths. These fundamental questions-and many more-must be
addressed before a full account of the disclosure process is possible.
A FINAL WORD
I t is extremely difficult t o conclude with confidence the exact percent-

ages of sexual-minority youths who have told parents, siblings, and other
family members about their same-sex attractions; when and how they dis-
closei3 this information to them; or the reasons they shared this secret, if
indeed it was ever a secret. This uncertainty about disclosure information
is compounded because of the selective nature of youths and their parents
who have the opportunity to participate in research and decide to do so.
Thus, previously recorded percentages, time frames, and processes in research
RESEARCH AGENDA 257

studies might not reflect the lives of the vast majority of youths with same-
sex attractions who do not volunteer for research, perhaps because they
are not developmentally ready to acknowledge their same-sex identity to
themselves or to others, or they are not in a support group or a college
where gay research is being conducted.
Although much of the popular and clinical literature assumes that
disruptions and chaos follow initial disclosure, their widespread prevalence is
suspect . The crisis mentality of many of these writings has been considerably
overdrawn, largely because they make good press. Given the remarkably
few empirical studies that have examined the relations that normative
lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths have with their parents, one must question
the validity of the most disruptive, pathological scenarios caricatured by
personal chronicles. I am not convinced by any evidence produced to date
that the relations sexual-minority youths have with their parents are at
significant variance from those experienced by heterosexual youths who
also have important and at times disturbing news to tell their parents.
Perhaps what differs most is the content of their discussions.
Personal narratives from both sexual-minority youths and their parents
highlight the significance of each for the other. Parents are often figures of
authority and respect-and increasingly friendship-and sexual-minority
youths desire their parents’ support and approval. For their part, regardless
of the sexual desires and identity of their child, most parents recognize the
sexual-minority youth as the child whom they love and accept. How different
is this from heterosexual youths and their parents?
As should be apparent by now, what most impresses me about sexual-
minority youths, their families, and the relations they have with each other
are their commonalities with heterosexual families and the diversity among
themselves. These realities have not been sufficiently appreciated in either
the scientific or popular literature. Instead, stage theories that ignore or
depreciate variations are our customary crutch. By their simplicity, they
normalize a process of interpersonal relations that is perhaps nonnormative
and fail to account for complex variations as a function of factors that do
not lend themselves to the construction of the norm, such as social position,
cohort, ethnicity, gender, and the “vicissitudes of life experiences.”26Many
have questioned the appropriateness and accuracy of coming-out models-
for youths as well as their parents-that assume a linear progression of
events, an epigenetic unfolding that minimizes the chance and contingency
of life. Yet they appear to have a life of their own, pervading research and
popular understanding of the coming-out process. They won’t die! Do parents
attempt to conform their reactions to the news of having a gay child to the
cultural accounts previously heard, read, or seen? What happens if their
circumstances do not follow this trajectory? Have they succeeded or failed?

With regard to stage theories of sexual-minority identity development,
we must move beyond the clichk of “one glove fits all.” Even if we rely
solely on personal narratives, those who survive and flourish must counterbal-
ance the lives of distraught families. As researchers we have been far too
intent on examining common characteristics of sexual-minority youths,
pretending each disclosure is homogeneous, and too lax in examining the
ways in which relations with parents among same-sex attracted youths are
diverse. Research that treats all sexual-minority individuals and their parents
as a class, as if they were following an identical developmental pathway, is
obscuring important developmental processes.27It is a lie.
Diversity cannot and should not be ignored. Any description or por-
trayal of the lives of sexual-minority youths and their parents and of their
developmental histories is a daunting but fascinating undertaking. We need
to begin, in earnest.
ENDNOTES
’ Previous discussions of these issues appeared in Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998).

The disclosure to families of same-sex attractions by lesbian, gay, and bisexual
youths. Jouinal of Research on Adolescence, 8, 49-68; Savin-Williams, R. C., &
Diamond, L. M. (1999). Sexual orientation. In W. K. Silverman & T. H. Ollendick
(Eds.), Developmental issues in the clinical teatment of children (pp. 241-258). Boston:
Allyn & Bacon; and Savin-Williams, R. C., & Dub&, E. M. (1998). Parental
reactions to their child’sdisclosure of a gay/lesbian identity. Family Relations, 47,l-7.
’ Laumann, E. O., Gagnon, J. H., Michael, R. T., & Michaels, S. (1994). The
social organiyation of sexuality: Sexual practices in the United States. Chicago: University
of Chicago Press.
’ Goodenow, C., & Hack, T. (1998, August). Risks facing gay, lesbian, and
bisexual high school adolescents: The Massachusetts Youth Risk Bebvior Survey. Paper
presented at the 106th Annual Convention of the American Psychological Associa-
tion, San Francisco.
Russell, S. T., & Joyner, K. (1998, August). Adolescent sexual orientation and
suicide risk: Evidence from a national study. Paper presented at the annual meeting
of the American Sociological Association, San Francisco.
’ DuRant, R. H., Krowchuk, D. P., & Sinal, S. H. (1998). Victimization, use
of violence, and drug use at school among male adolescents who engage in same-
sex sexual behavior. Journal of Pediatrics, 132, 113-1 18; and Garofalo, R., Wolf, R.
C., Kessel, S., Palfrey, J., & DuRant, R. H. (1998). The association between health
risk behaviors and sexual orientation among a school-based sample of adolescents.
Pediatrics, 1131, 895-902.
‘ Savin-Williams, R. C., &Diamond, L. M. (2000). Sexual identity trajectories
among sexual-minority youths: Gender comparisons. Archives of Sexual Behavior,
29, 419-440.
RESEARCH AGENDA 259

Savin-Williams, R. C., &L Diamond, L. M. (2000).Sexual identity trajectories
29, 419-440.
Diamond, L. M. (1998). Development of sexual orientation among adoles-
cent and young adult women. Developmental Psychology, 34, 1085-1095; Diamond,
L. M. (2000). Sexual identity, attractions, and behavior among young sexual-
minority women over a two-year period. Developmental Psychology, 36, 241-250;
and Diamond, L. M., & Savin-Williams, R. C. (in press). Growing up female with
same-sex attractions. Journal of Social Issues.
’ Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998). “ . . . and then I became gay”: Young men’s
stories. New York: Routledge; Savin-Williams, R. C., & Diamond, L. M. (1999).
Sexual orientation. In W. K. Silverman & T. H. Ollendick (Eds.), Developmental
issues in the clinical teatment of children (pp. 241-258). Boston: Allyn & Bacon; and
Savin-Williams, R. C., &L Diamond, L. M. (2000). Sexual identity trajectories
29, 419-440.
‘I‘ Page 285 in McConaghy, N. ( 1999). Unresolved issues in scientific sexology.
Archives of Sexual Behavior, 28, 285-318.
Page 302 in McConaghy, N. (1999).Unresolved issues in scientific sexology.
Archives of Sexual Behawior, 28, 285-318.
I * This is not always possible, even when it is the explicit desire of the
researcher. I have been a consultant on several projects in the midwestern United

States in which university institutional review boards would not allow such a
broadcasting of research subjects; only explicitly self-defined gays, lesbians, and
bisexuals could be surveyed. The review board members were concerned that re-
searchers not be perceived as recruiting the “undecideds”-or those not absolutely
certain of their sexual identities. By participating in “gay research,” these individuals
might become gay.
’’ Page 2A in Horovitz, B. (1999, May 17). High level of comfort leads to
truthful research worth a mint. USA Today, pp. 1A-2A.
” Hillier, L., Dempsey, D., Harrison, L., Beale, L. Matthews, L., & Rosenthal,
D. (1998). Writing themselves in: A national report on the sexuality, health and well-
being of same-sex attracted young people (Monograph Series 7). Carlton, Australia:
La Trobe University, Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society,
National Centre in HIV Social Research.
’’ Boxer, A. M., & Cohler, R. (1989). The life course of gay and lesbian
youth: An immodest proposal for the study of lives. Journal of Homosexuality,
17, 315-355.
I‘ Rubin, D. C. (Ed.). (1996). Remembering our past: Studies in autobiographical
memory. New York: Cambridge University Press.

Dub6, E., & Savin-Williams, R. C. (1999). Sexual identity development
among ethnic sexual-minority male youths. Deuelopmental Psychology, 35, 1389-
1399.
I d Diamond, L. M. (1998). Development of sexual orientation among adoles-
cent and young adult women. Developmental Psychology, 34, 1085-1095; Diamond,

L. M. (2000). Sexual identity, attractions, and behavior among young sexual-
minority women over a two-year period. Developmental Psychology, 36, 241 -250.
l 9 Savin-Williams, R. C., & Diamond, L. M. (2000). Sexual identity trajecto-
ries among sexual-minority youths: Gender comparisons. Archives of Sexual Behavior,

29, 419-440.
lo This shortcoming is being addressed by Cornell graduate student, Douglas
Elliott, whose research explores perceptions of support among sexual-minority
youths and their parents.
Rorke, R., with Mannarino, M. (1999, April). Coming out in America:
Gay teens tell the world, “Here I am, deal with me.” Retrieved March 27, 1999
from the World Wide Web: http://www.seventeen.com.
’* These differences are the basis of my next book, tentatively titled, “ . . .
and then I kissed her”: Young women’s stories. For additional discussion, see Diamond,
L. M., & Savin-Williams, R. C. (in press). Multiple transitions and trajectories in
the development of sexual-minority women. Journal of Social Issues; and Savin-
Williams, R. C., & Diamond, L. M. (2000). Sexual identity trajectories among
sexual-minority youths: Gender comparisons. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 29, 419-
440.
’’ Page 374 in Henderson, M. G . (1998). Disclosure of sexual orientation:
Comments from a parental perspective. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry , 68,
3 72-375.
14 Cohler, B. J., & Beeler, 3 . (1998, December). Management of ambivalence
within the family: Adult offspring “coming out” gay or lesbian and their parents. Paper
presented at the German-American Transcoop-Program: Ambivalence in Intergen-
erational EieIations Workshop, Cornell University, Ithaca, NY.
’’ Henderson, M. G. (1998). Disclosure of sexual orientation: Comments from
a parental perspective. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry , 68, 372-375.
11’ Page 33 in Cohler, B. J., & Beeler, J. (1998, December). Management of
ambiva/alence within the family: Adult offspring “coming out’’ gay or lesbian and their
parents. Paper presented at the German-American Transcoop-Program: Ambiva-
lence in Intergenerational Relations Workshop, Cornell University, Ithaca, NY.
’ i For a more complete discussion, see related publications: Savin-Williams,
R. C. (1998). I‘ . . . and then I becamegay”: Youngmen’s stories. New York: Routledge;
and Savin-Williams, R. C., & Diamond, L. M. (1999). Sexual orientation. In W . K.
Silverman & T. H. Ollendick (Eds.), Developmental issues in the clinical treatment of
children (pp. 241-258). Boston: Allyn & Bacon.
RESEARCH AGENDA 26 1
APPENDIX:
RESEARCH METHODS
THE STUDIES
After my initial exploratory study of over 300 sexual-minority youths

in the mid-l980s,' I conducted a series of studies exploring various develop-
mental milestones among gay and bisexual male adolescents and young
adults. This culminated in the book, ". . . And Then I Became Gay": Young
Men's Stories.' For the narratives and data on family relations reported in
this volume, I drew on the interviews of 86 young men who constituted
Sample 2 in this earlier work. A comparable sample of young women with
same-sex attractions was interviewed regarding similar developmental transi-
tions. For purposes here, I use the data provided by these 78 young women
on the relations they have with family members.
Participating youths were between the ages of 17 and 25 years and
met the inclusion criterion of claiming some degree of physical or romantic
interest in same-sex others. They were diverse in social class, religious
affiliation, and size of hometown community. Less diversity is apparent in
the youths' educational level and ethnic or racial identification. Most were
well-educated, articulate college youths (see Table A. 1). Young women
were more likely than young men to claim a bisexual or an unlabeled identity
and to have been raised in urban and suburban environments.
Youths were recruited through announcements in college classes on
gender and sexuality, flyers sent to campus social and political organizations,
advertisements in a community newsletter and public places (bar, bookstore,
263
TABLE A . l
Sample Characteristics by Gender
Male
Variable M n % M n %
Age (years) 21 .O (1.7) 21.6 (2.2)
Sexual identification
Lesbiadgay 27 38 70 81
Bisexual 30 42 7 8
Unlabeled 14 20 9 10
Ethichacia1 identification
White 57 80 62 72
African American 2 3 5 6
Asian/Pacific Islanders 7 10 6 7
LatindLatino 2 3 10 12
Mixed race and other 3 4 3 3
Social class
Upper middle 26 37 39 45
Middle 28 39 27 31
Lower middle 17 24 20 23
Community size
Farm/rural 8 11 13 15
Small town 7 10 17 20
Small city/suburbs 42 59 31 36
Urban 14 20 25 29
Region where grew up

Northeast 38 45 44 46
South Central 14 17 10 10
West 9 11 10 10
Midwest 7 8 12 13
South 7 8 5 5
North Central 6 7 5 5
international 3 4 10 10
~
Note. Numbers in parentheses represent standard deviation.
cafe) for sexual minorities, postings o n Internet listservs for sexual-minority

students on several college campuses, and referrals from other participants.
This multiple recruitment strategy was undertaken to draw participants
along the spectrum of same-sex attractions. For example, campus political
organizations tend to include very “out” individuals who openly identify
their sexuality; college Women Studies courses often draw students who are
just beginning to acknowledge their same-sex attractions.
T h e research project was advertised as an interview focusing on growing
up in the 1990swith physical or romantic attractions for someone of the same
sex. To volunteer, youths contacted the principal investigator in person, by
264 APPENDIX
telephone, or by e-mail. Special efforts were made to include individuals
who were not comfortable openly identifying as lesbian, gay, or bisexual by
assuring them that such identifications were not necessary for participation
and that the interviews were confidential and would neither be tape recorded
nor videotaped.
Owing to the nature of the recruitment strategy, response rates cannot
he calculated because it is unknown how many potential participants who
met selection criteria did not volunteer for the study. However, somewhat
fewer than 10% of youths who originally contacted the investigator either
did not return efforts to contact them or did not show up for the interview
o r telephone appointment. Because of human subject considerations, n o
attempt was made to discover reasons for refusals to participate.
RESEARCH PROCEDURES
Participants were interviewed in person or by telephone. A male re-

search assistant interviewed one third of the male participants, and I inter-
viewed all other youths. Interviews were conducted in my faculty office or
a place chosen by youths that afforded privacy and confidentiality. T h e
nature and aims of the research project were explained, questions were
answered, and consent was secured in accordance with the Cornell Univer-
sity Committee o n Human Subjects’ stipulations. Over 90% of interviews
with male participants lasted from 45 to 90 minutes, with a median of 60
minutes. T h e same format and content were followed for interviews with
young women, but several domains were omitted (community activities,
current harassment, attitudes toward AIDS) so that interviews could be
completed in less than 1 hour (median = 45 minutes). To increase diversity
in the female sample, I posted announcements on several Southern and
Eastern college campus listservs. Forty-one percent of the women participants
took advantage of this opportunity, completing the same interview format
by telephone (median time = 45 minutes). There were n o demographic
differences between women recruited in this manner and the other female
participants, but women interviewed by telephone were more likely to
identify as lesbian rather than bisexual or some other label.
Initial questions ascertained participants’ age, ethnicity, hometown
community size, and family social class (based o n occupational status of
parents). T h e remainder of the interview focused on milestones of sexual
identity development, from earliest memories of same-sex attractions to
current feelings about one’s sexual identity.’ For purposes of this book, only
data concerning family relations are reported.
After basic developmental milestones were assessed, the interview
focused on disclosure to parents. Basic information was first asked about the
APPENDIX 265
family constellation. Are your parents married to each other? If not, when
was the separation, divorce, or death, and who did you live with? Have
adults other than your biological parents served the role of parent? What
were the occupations of each parent during your adolescence? What were
the religious and ethnic affiliations of each parent? The following questions
with prompts were asked regarding disclosure to each parent.
1. Have you told himher about your same-sex attractions?
2. If so, when and why did you tell himher?
3. If not, why haven’t you told him/her? Do you have plans to
tell him/her?
4. If you have told him/her, how did he/she initially respond?
5. If not, how would you expect himher to respond if you were
to tell him/her today?
6. Have there been changes over time in how he/she has re-
sponded to your same-sex attractions?
7. What is the nature of your relationship with himher?
ENDNOTES
I Summarized in Savin-Williams, R. C. (1990). Gay and lesbian youth: Expres-

sions of identity. Washington, DC: Hemisphere.
’ Published in 1998 by Routledge (New York).
’ For a review of this material, see Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998). “ . . . and
then I became guy”: Young men’s stories. New York: Routledge.
266 APPENDIX
INDEX
Aarons, L., 5n1,55nl1,58n38,n42,n43, Bearman, P., 18128

59n53,n69,241n53 Beeler, J., 256,2611724,n26
Abramson, P., 239n21,241n45 Bell, A. P.,66,104n2,133n1, 139,
Acceptance. See Parental acceptance 167n1,197n1,198n9
The Adwocap, 178,197n3,221,240n27 Ben-Ari, A., 52,57n26,58n51,59n52,
Age of disclosure 7178, 612181,10519,
1158,60~171,
cohort effects, 237 133n6,198nIl
and consequences, 226 Bernstein, R.,20n20,56n23
daughter-to-father, 119 Bils, J., 239n19
daughter-to-mother, 80 Biological perspective, 8
overview, 2 14-216 Bisexuality
and parental reaction, 49,226 father-son relationship effect of,
predictors, 216 193-194
son-to-Either, 185 labeling aspect, 84,102, 147
son-to-mother, 152 and mother-son relationship, 163
Age of self-disclosure, 244-245 and mothers’ denial, 90-91
Allen, K. R.,56n21 myth of, 90
Anderson, D., 20n20,547x4,56n23, “Blaming” mother, 141
238n8,239n11 Bono, C., 207,219,231,232,238n7,
Anger 239n10,n18,n20,7122,241n46,
in parents, 39-40, 52 1147,1148
stage model limitations, 52 Borhek, M. V.,hl,21n20,54n3,716,
Anxiety, 212 56n23
Appathurai, C., 21n20,57n23,60n74, Boxer, A . M., 217121,56n19,571124,
n79,241n37 581151, 59~166,60n78,104n4,
Archer, S.L., 20n15,n16 1 1 1, 133712,168713,718, 198n10,
Asian Americ:ans n13, 239n11,240n26,241n52,
disclosure reactions, 51 248,260n15
son-to-father nondisclosure reasons, Roy Scouts lawsuit, 10,18n4
181 Bozett, F. W., 217120,567123,60n74,
son-to-mother nondisclosure reasons, 2401137
I47 Brady, S.,19nl4
Autobiographical memory, 248 Brown, L. S.,19n13,21n20,56n23,215,
239nl1,1117
Baetz, R., 5n2,58n35,n36,7145,n49, Bussc, W.J., 191114
59n56,n61,1167
Bailey, B., 241n41 Cass, V., 191115
Bailey, J. M., 37,58n40 Chan, C.S., 571131
Baitz, J. R., 223,240n33 Cher, 231, 232,241n47,n48
Barher, W.K.,5n2 Child abuse, 110
Bargaining, by parents, 41-42 Chung, E. U., 23, 54711
Bass, F.,204,211,235,238n5,n6, Clark, 11.H.,5nl
239n13,n20,241n40,n51, Closeted youths. See Nondisclosure
242n55 Coheii, K. M.. 18117, l9n13,20n16,n17,
Beale, L., 238714,260n14 58n4C. 197n5
267
Cohler, B. I., 248, 256, 260n15, 2617124, survey studies, 111-1 12
n26 timing of, 119
Cohort effect, disclosure frequency, Daughter-to-mother disclosure, 66-105
201-202, 237 age norms, 80
Coleman, E., 20n15, 21n21, 54n6 case vignettes, 64-66
Collins, W. A., 105n12 direct form of, 80-81
Colten, M. E., 169719, 198717 effects over time, 91-101, 228
Colucci, P. L., 57n27, n30,597157, n63 fears, 73-75
Coming-out. See Disclosure and lesbian mothers, 101-102
Conley, T. D., 20n19 method of, 80-84
Conversion therapy, 222 mothers’ initial reactions, 84-91,
Cook, J. A., 21n21, 57n24, 60n78, 224-225
241n52 negative responses, 87-91, 93-94,
Cornell study 100- 101
interview procedure, 265-266 positive responses, 85-87
methods, 263-266 and relationship improvement,
recruitment strategy, 263-265 95-100
sample characteristics, 264 relationship prior to, 66-68
Cox, S., 19n14 temporal rank of, 103
Cramer, D. W., 60n71, n72, n76, 168n8, timing of, 80
n9, 198n10, 239n9 Debenport, E., 240n36
Crockett, L. J., 18n3 Deisher, R. W., 567x18
Cross-sex parent-child dyads, 224-225 Demo, D. H., 56n21
Crouter, A. C., 18n3 Dernpsey, D., 238n4, 260n14
Cruz, W., 236 Denial
Cultural proscriptions, 38. See also Ethnic in mothers, 89-91
minorities in parents, 37-39, 52, 85, 89-91
Curtis, W., 5n2 stage model limitations, 52
Depression, in parents, 42-45
Developmental course, 7-2 1
DAugelli, A. R., xn2, 19119, n13, 54n2, biological perspective, 8
n5, 55n12, n13, n15, n16,n17, cultural interpretation, 8
1118, 56n18, n20, n21, 601170, differential trajectories approach,
104n3, n5, n6, n7, 111, 133n2, 7-2 1
n3,n4,n5, 143, 157, 168n3, n6, DeVine, J. L., 2In20, 56n23
n7, n8, 169n9, 198n6, n7,n9, Diamond, L. M., 18n1, 19n9, n l l , n13,
n10, n13, 239n9, 240n26 20n17, 251, 259~x1,n6, 260n7,
Daughter-to-father disclosure, 107-133 718, n9, n18, 2611119, ni2, n27
case vignettes, 107-109 Direct disclosure
direct form of, 119-120 daughter-to-father, 119-120
effects over time, 126-129 daughter-to-mother, 80-81
fathers’ initial reactions, 121-125, guidance for, 217-218
224-225 son-to-father, 185- 186
and gay fathers, 130-131 son-to-mother, 152-153
indirect form of, 120-121 study findings, 217
method of, 119-121 Disclosure. See also Age of disclosure;
negative reactions, 124-125 Nondisclosure
neutral reactions, 123-124 as act of self-love, 213
nondisclosure reasons, 112-1 16 basic principles guiding decision,
positive reactions, 122-123 203-204
relationship prior to, 109-1 11 cohort effect, 201-202
268 lNDEX
daughters-to-fathers, 107-133 Fairchild, B., 5111, 54n6
daughters-to-mothers, 66-105 Fumilia, 95
developmental stage models, 16-1 7, Farrow, J. A., 55118
33-34, 51-52, 233-234, Fassinger, R. E., 19n4
258-259 Fathers. See also Daughter-to-father disclo-
direct method of, 2 17-2 18 sure; Son-to-father disclosure
effects over time, 227-235 emotional unexpressiveness in,
expected reactions, 209 109-110, 112-113, 131-132
and media sensationalism, 221 order of disclosure, 202
and mental health, 30-32 psychoanalytic theories, 42-43
parental reactions, 33-5 1 relationship with daughter, 109-1 11
popular literature on, 24-26 relationship with son, 173-178
research :agenda, 254-257 same-sex attractions in, 130-131,
same-sex versus cross-sex parent- 194-195
child dyads, 224-225 Fear, nondisclosure reason, 181-182, 189,
sons-to-fathers, 171-198 205-206
sons-to-mothers, 135-1 69 Femininity values, and nondisclosure,
stress of, 29 209-210
and suicidality, 3 1 Fine, M. A., 561121
timing of, 214-216 First disclosures, 32-33
Disclosure age. See Age of disclosure Fitzpatick, B., 238n7, 239n10, n18, 1120,
Duhe, E. N., 19n9, nlO, n l l , 20n18, 7122, 241n46,n48
567120, 250, 251, 259n1, 260n17 Fricke, A., 5 8 4 1 , n47, 59n55, n64
Due, L., 5n2 Fricke, W., 38, 39, 42, 46, 58n41, 7x47,
DuRant, R. H., ixn2, 259n5 591155, n64
Friedman, H., 18n7
Ego development, 11 Friends, first disclosure to, 32-33
Elias, M., 104n1, 241n39 Futterman, D., 239n23
Eliason, M. I., 19n4, 20n16, n19
Elliott, D., 261n20 Gagnon, J. H., 259n2
Ellis, L., 18n7 Gallois, C., 19n14
Empirical research approach, 4 Calvin, P., 240n35
Enmeshment Garnets, L. D., 20n19, 240n24
mother and daughter, 67 Garofalo, R., ixn2, 259115
mother and son, 139, 141 Gay fathers, disclosure to, 130-131,
Envy, in parents, 94 194-1 95
Espin, O., 95, 105nll Gay label
Esterberg, K G., 561121 interviewee reactions, 247-248
Ethnic minorities as research obstacle, 243-246
daughter-to-mother nondisclosure Gender differences
reasons, 72-73 intimacy level, 12
disclosure reactions, 51, 94-95 nondisclosure reasons, 209-2 10
family importance, 94-95 Golden, C., 19n13, 20n17
and mother-son conflict, 142-143 Goodenow, C., ixn2, 259n3
in research samples, 250-251 Gore, S., 169n9, 198n7
son-to-father nondisclosure reasons, Grandchildren, grieving source, 44
180-181 Grandparents
Extended family members, 257 disclosure acceptance importance,
97-98
Face-to-face disclosure. See Direct dis- supportive role, 257
closure Gray, M. L., 2407130
INDEX 269
Green, R , 57n27, n30, n31 Iasenza, S., 57n27, n30, 597157, n63
Grieflmourning Identity-centric adolescents, 13
popular literature on, 25-26 Indirecr disclosure, 217
stage models, 17, 33-34, 51-53, daughter-to-farher, 120-1 21
233-234, 258-259 daughter-to-mother, 81-82
limitations, 52-53, 233-234 son-to-father, 186-188
Griffin, C W , 5n1, 27, 29, 32, 43, 44, son-to-mother, 153-155
55nI0, 57n28, n29, 7133, 587234, study findings, 217
n37, ~139,7144.n48, 7150, 59n54, Individual differences, in development,
n60, n65, n6b 7-2 1
Griffith, B , 36, 37 Internalized homophobia, 189
Griffith, M ,28, 35, 36, 38, 41, 47, 48, Internet recruitment, 248
55nl1, 235, 241n53 Interview procedure, Cornell study,
Guilt 265-266
mothers ot gay sons, 157 Intimacy level, gender differences, 12
mothers’ 01ercoming of, 97-98 Isolation, in parents, 37-39
in parents, 40, 45, 52
stage model limitation\. 52
Jealousy, in parents, 94
Johnson, B. K., 238717, 239n18, n20
Joyner, K., 259n4
Hack, T., ixn2, 259n3
Hammersmith, S. K., 66, 104n2, 1 3 3 n l ~
139, 167111, 197nl Kaufman, K., 204, 211, 235, 238x5, n6,
Hancock, K. A., 54n2 239n13, n20, 240n40, n51,
Hansen, C., 228, 241n42 242n55
Harrison, L., 238n4, 260n14 Kelly, K., 241n47
Hayward, N., 5711, 54n6 Kessel, S., ixn2, 259n5
Henderson, M. G., 238n5, 240n28, 256, Ketterlinus, L., 133n9
261n23, n25 Kimmel, D. C., 240n24
Herdt, G., 21n21, 56n19, 57n23, 58n51, Kitzinger, C., 19n3
59n66, 601178, 104n4. 11 1, Koopman, C., 169n9, 198n7
133n2, 168n3, n8, 198n10,n13, Krestan, J., 241n38
239n11, 240n26, 241n52 Krowchuk, D. P , 1x712, 259n5
Heron, A., 5n2, 54n6 Kubler-Ross, E., 17, 21n20, n22, 33, 52,
Hershberger, S. L., xn2, 18n7, 55n12, 56n22, 233, 234
1115, n16, n17, n18, 56n19, 1120,
n21, 60n70, 104113, n i , 716,717, LaChapeIle, D., 224, 240n35
133n2, n4, 168n6, n7, 718, 169n9, Laird, J., 57n27, n30, n31
198n6, n7, n9, n10, n13, 239n9, Lane, Nathan, 223, 240n31
240n26 Larson, R., 133n8, 198n14
Heterocentrism, 15 “Latent homosexuality,” 44
Heterosexism, 15, 193 Latinos, mother-son bond, 150
Hetrick, E. S.,26, 55n9 Laumann, E. O., 259n2
Hetrick-Martin Institute, 26-27 Lesbian label
Hillier, L., 238114, 248, 260n14 interviewees’ rejection of, 84, 102,
Holmes, S., 5n2 247
Hom, A. Y., 611180 and survey statistics bias, 243-247
Homonegativity, 15 Lesbian mothers, disclosure to, 101-102,
Homophobia, 15-16 166-167
Horovitz, B., 260n13 Lever, J., 104n3, 168n4, 197n3
Hunter, J., 55n16 Levine, H., 19n14
270 INDEX
Life histories approach, 4 Newsweek, 219, 231, 239n21, 241n45
Liu, P., 57n31 Nondisclosure
Longitudinal studies, 251-253 daughter-to-father, 112-1 16
Love, disclosure acceptance factor, 96 daughter-to-mother, 69-75, 206-207
gender differences, 209-2 10
reasons for, 205-212
MacDonald, G. B., 55737
son-to-father, 178-182
Mahoney, D., 33, 53, 57n25, 61n82
Malyon, A. K., 239n16 son-to-mother, 144-148, 206
Mannarino, M., 2617121 survival tactics, 207-208
Nycum, B., 231, 241n44
Martin, A. D., 217120, 26, 55n9
Masculinity values, and nondisclosure,
207-210 Oasis, ix
Matthews, L., 238n4, 260n14 Ollendick, T. H., 18n1, 259n1, 260n9,
McCartney, K., 21n21, 57n24, 60n78, 261n27
2417152 “Outed” by another, 78, 116-117, 151,
McConaghy, N., 246, 260n10, n l l 184
McConnell, J. H., 20n15, n16 !OutProud!. 56n18
Media “outings,” 79, 117
Mental health, and disclosure, 30-32
P-FLAG, 45, 98, 100, 211, 230, 239n14,
Michael, R. T., 259n2
Michaels, S., 259n2 240n29, 249
Palfrey, J., ixn2, 259n5
Miller, B. A., 19n4
Parental acceptance, 45-49, 229-231
Minorities. See Ethnic minorities
and disclosure motivation, 21 I
Morales, E. S., 607174, 240n37
levels of, 48
Moreno, B., 224, 240n36
mother-daughter relationship,
Moreno, R., 224, 240n36
95- 100
Morris, J., 20n19
mother-son relationship, 162-164
Morris, J. F., 1 9 4 , 20n16
stage model, 46, 49, 52
Mothers. See also Daughter-to-mother dis.
Parents. See also Fathers; Mothers
closure; Son-to-mother disciosure
common disclosure concerns,
initial disclosure reactions, 219-227
221-222
order of disclosure, 202
depression in, 42-45
psychoanalytic theories, 42-43, 139,
disclosure effects over time, 227-235
141
disclosure reactions, 33-51, 219-227
relationship with daughter, 66-68,
inclusion in research studies, 253
226
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians
relationship with son, 139-143
and Gays. See P-FLAG
psychoanalytic theory, 139, 141
Patterson, C. J., 19n9, 7113, 54n2
same-sex attractions in, 101-102,
Pearlman, S., 21n20, 571123, 60n77
166-167
Penelope, J., 5112
Mourning. See Grieflmourning
Peplau, L. A., 20n19
Muller, A., 60n78
Phan, A,, 239n15
Muzzonigro, P. G., 60~174,7175, 241n37
Physical abuse, 110
Myers, M. F., 217120, 57n23
Physical attack
daughter-to-mother disclosure reac-
National LongitudinaI Study of Adoles- tion, 85
cent Health, 244, 259n4 fathers, 182, 189, 191, 204-205
Neroulias, N., 2417149 Pilkington, N. W., xn2, 55117, 60n70,
Ness, C., 2 3 8 d 104n7, 133n2, n4, 168n6, n8,
Newman, B. S., 60n74,n75, 241n37 169n9, 198n13, 240n26
INDEX 271
Pillemer, K., 21n21, 57~124,601178, Rubin, D.C., 260n16
241n52 Russell, G., 1501112
Plummer, K., 20n15 Russell, S.T., 259n4
Price, J. P., 104n3 Rust, P., 191113, 20n17
Prospective studies, 25 1-253 Ryan, C., 239n23
Protective reactions, in mothers,
163- 164 Saks, A., 5112
Pryor, D. W., 104n6, 105n7, 133n4, Salzman, M., 248, 260n13
168113 Same-sex parent-child dyads, 224-225
Psychoanalytic theories Sampling bias
homosexuality origin, 42-43, 139, parents, 249-250
141 sexual minorities, 246-249
mother-son relationship, 139, 141 Savin-Williams, R. C., xn3,5713,18nl,
Puberty timing, 11 n5, n6, n7, n8, 19n9, n10, n l l ,
n13, 20n16, n17, 7118, 55n14,
n17, 56n18, 7120, 7121, 58n40,
Questionnaires, disclosure anxiety, 245
60n73, 61n83, 104n4, 105n13,
133n2, n10, 168n5, n8, 169n9,
Ream, G . L., 105n10 n l l , 197n2, n4, n5, 198n7, n14,
Recruitment strategy, Cornell study, 238n1, 2391112, 241n37, 242n54,
263-265 n56, 7157, 259n1, n6, 260n7, n8,
Reese, M., 239n21, 2 4 1 4 5 n9, n17, 261n19, n22,n27,
Rejection 266n1, n3
by parents, 40, 52 Scanlan, D., 240n33
stage model limitations, 52 Schneider, M., 21n20, 57n23, 60n74,
Religious beliefs 7179, 241n37
daughter-to-mother nondisclosure Sears, 1. T., 56n21, 168n7, 198n7
reason, 72-73 Selection bias, research samples, 246-25 1
and disclosure outcome, 50, 94 Self-blame
parents’ denial contributor, 38 mothers’ overcoming of, 97-98
Remafedi, G., 21n21, 54n6, 55n18, parents, 42, 85, 101
59n70, 198n8 Self-disclosure age, 244-245
Research agenda, 243-261 Self-esteem
content areas, 254-257 disclosure link, 30-32, 216
design issues, 243-254 sexual minorites and straights,
longitudinal studies, 251-253 similarities, 11
sampling methods, 246-25 1 Seventeen, 253, 261n21
Retrospective data collection, 248 Sex-centric identity formation, 13
Richards, M., 133n8, 198n14 Sex differences. See Gender differences
Rimm, E., 241n41 Sexual identity
Roach, A. I., 60n71, n72, n76, 168n7, n8, definition, 14
198n10, 239n9 developmental differences, 13
Robinson, B. E., 217120, 57n23, n26, n32, sexual orientation distinction, 14
58n46, 59n58, n59, 60n71, 7178, stage models, 16-17, 259
198n12 survey statistics confound, 244-246
Rorke, R., 261n21 Sexual orientation
Rosario, M., 55n16, 169n9, 198n7 definition, 14
Rosenthal, D., 238n4, 260n14 sexual identity distinction, 14
Rothberg, B., 57n27, n30, 59n57, n63 Shalit, G., 223, 224, 240n34
Rotheram-Borus, M. J., 55n16, 169n9, Shame
198n7 mothers’ overcoming of, 97-98
272 INDEX
in parents, 45 Steinberg, L., 18n2
stage model limitations, 52 Strommen, E. F., 217120, 54n6, 57n23,
Shepard, J., 232, 241n49, n50 60n74
Shepard, M., 232, 241n49, n50 Suicidal thoughts, parents, 43-44
Shyer, C., 2407132 Suicide attempts, 31, 237, 242n57
Shyer, M. F., 223, 240n32 Support group samples, parents, 249
Silverman, W . K., 18n1, 259n1, 260n9, Surveys
261n27 sampling bias, 246-251
Sinal, S.H., 1xn2,259n5 sexual minority identification prob-
Skeen, P., 21n20, 57n23, n26, n32, lems, 244-246
58n46, 59n58, 7159, 60n71, n78, Sussman, M. B., 21n20, 56n23, 60n74,
I98ni2 240n3 7
Son-to-father disclosure, 171-198
age at, 185
Telljohann, S. K., 104n3
case vignettes, 171-173
Temperament, and disclosure timing, 2 16
direct form of, 185-186
Timing of disclosure. See Age of dis-
effects over time, 192-194, 228
closure
fathers’ initial reactions, 188-192,
Tremble, B., 21n20, 57n23, 60n74, n79,
224-225
241n37
and gay fathers, 194-196
Troiden, R. R., 20n15
method of, 184-188
negative reactions, 191- 192
nondisclosure reasons, 178- 182 Udry, J. R., 18n8
and projected internalized homopho-
bia, 189
Varnell, P., 238n2
reasons for, 183-184
Veniegas, R. C., 20n19
relationship prior to, 173-178
Vilanch, B., 240n31
timing of, 184-185
Violent reactions, fathers, 182, 189, 191
Son-to-mother disclosure, 135- 169
case vignettes, 135-139
direct form of, 152-153 Walsh, J., ixnl
effects clver time, 161-166, 228 Walters, L. H., 21n20, 57n23, n26, n32,
indirect form of, 153-155 58n46, 591158, 7159, 60n71, 1178,
and lestiian mothers, 101-102, 198n12
161--I67 Weinberg, M. S., 66, 104n2, n6, 105n7,
method, 152-156 133n1, n4, 139, 167n1, 168n3,
negative reactions, 158-160 197n1, 198n9
nondisclosure reasons, 144- 148 Wilkinson, S., 197113
positive reactions, 160-161 Williams, C.J., 104n6, 105n7, 133114,
reasons for, 148-152 168713
relationship prior to, 139-143 Wirth, A. G., 5n1, 27, 29, 32, 43, 44,
timing of, 152 551110, 57n28, n29, 7133, 58n34,
Sophie, J., 237115 n37, 7139, n44, n48, n50,59n10,
Spalding, L. R., 20n19 n54, n60, n65, n68
Stage models Wirth, M. I., 5n1, 27, 29, 32, 43, 44,
grief/mourning, 17, 33-34, 5 1-52, 55n10, 57n28, n29, n33, 58n34,
233--234 1137, 7139, 7144, n48, n50, 59n10,
limitations, 51-53,233-234,258-259 n54, n60, n65, n68
parental acceptance, 46, 49 Wirth, S., 21n20, 57n23
sexual minority identity develop- Wolf, R. C., ixn2, 259n5
ment, 16-17, 259 Wolfe, S. J., 5n2
INDEX 273
Woog, D., 55117, 229, 240n27, 241n42, Yankelovich Partners Survey, 226,
n43 241n39
Youniss,I., 133n9
XY Surwiwal Guide, 231, 241n44 Zarnora, Pedro, 236
274 INDEX
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ritch C. Savin-Williams, PhD, is professor of clinical and developmental

psychology and director of graduate studies in the Department of Human
Development at Cornell University. He received a master’s degree in reli-
gious studies and a PhD in human development from the University of
Chicago, where he studied the development of dominance hierarchies in
adolescent groups at summer camp. Later research projects included examin-
ing behavioral and experienced domains of self-esteem and adolescent friend-
ships.
Dr. Savin-Williams has written five books on adolescent development.
The latest, (‘ . . . And Then I Became Gay”: Young Men’s Stories (1998) is
the first book in a trilogy exploring the lives of sexual-minority youths. This
follows a work coedited with Kenneth M. Cohen, The Lives of Lesbians,
Gays, and Bisexuals: Children to Adulrs (1996), and Gay and Lesbian Youth:
Expressions ofldentiry ( 1990), a report of the earliest large-scale investigation
of sexual-minority youths. Dr. Savin-Williams is currently writing about
the experiences of growing up female with same-sex attractions, suicide
attempts among sexual-minority youths, and the homoerotic attractions of
heterosexual youths. His research on differential developmental trajectories
attempts to supplant our generic stage models of identity development with
a perspective that explores the similarities of sexual-minority youths with
all youths and the ways in which sexual-minority adolescents vary among
themselves and from heterosexual youths.
Dr. Savin-Williams is also a licensed clinical psychologist with a private
practice specializing in identity, relationship, and family issues among young
adults. He has served as an expert witness on same-sex marriage, adoption,
275
and Boy Scout court cases and is on numerous professional review boards,
including cochair of the American Psychological Foundation’s Roy Scrivner
Small Grant Awards. He has also written junior high school curriculum for
the Unitarian Universalist Association, Beyond Pink and Blue: Exploring Our
Stereotypes of Sexuality and Gender.
276 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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MOM, DAD.

American Psychological Association

Preface ................................................................................................. vii

Chapter 3: Relations With Parents ............................................ 23

I t would be difficult t o overdramatize the visibility revolution that has

then I became gay”: Young men’s stories (New York: Routledge).

This book is intended for sexual-minority youths and their families

4 MOM, DAD. I’M GAY.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION AS A CONTEXT FOR DEVELOPMENT

Considering sexual orientation as a significant context for child and

Development is determined to a large degree by what has previously

1. those that explore general characteristics and developmental

WE ARE THE SAME

The assertion that sexual-minority individuals are the same as hetero-

10 MOM, DAD.I’M GAY

By writing a book devoted to the voices of sexual-minority youths, I

DIFFERENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL TRAJECTORIES If

WE DIFFER AMONG OURSELVES

The are-they-the-same-or-are-they-different debate must not, but often

12 MOM, DAD. I’M GAY.

WE ARE EACH UNIQUE

This perspective, that every human being is unique insofar that no

DIFFERENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL TRPJECTORlES 13

When sexual orientation is considered as a context for development,

14 MOM,DAD. I’M GAY.

Sexual minority is a descriptive term that refers to a wide range of

Heterocentrism and Heterosexism

Heterocentrism is the assumption that development “naturally”proceeds

Homonegativity and Homophobia

Homonegativity refers to negative feelings, attitudes, and behaviors

DIFFERENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL TRPJECTORIES I5

Clinical and developmental psychologists first proposed coming-out

16 MOM. DAD. I’M GAY

The family of origin plays a pivotal role in the lives of sexual-minority

DIFFERENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL TRAJECTORIES 17

’ For earlier discussions of this perspective, see Savin-Williams, R. C. (1998).

18 MOM, DAD. I’M GAY.

L. S. (1995). Lesbian identities: Concepts and issues. In A. R. DAugelli & C. J.

DIFFERENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL TRAJECTORIES 19

of sexual orientation among adolescent and young adult women. Developmental

men’s stories. New York: Routledge.

20 MOM, DAD. I’M GAY

DIFFERENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL TRAJECTORIES 21

I first sensed that Richard was “different” when he was 9.

Adolescents, regardless of sexual orientation, value their families be-

24 MOM,DAD. I’M GAY.

RELATIONS WITH PARENTS 25

26 MOM, DAD. I’M GAY.

Some parents appreciate that love, rather than revenge, motivates

RELATIONS WITH PARENTS 27

Particularly insightful is the following parent, who sensed the dilemmas

28 MOM,DAD. I’M GAY

If this hurdle is successfully negotiated and parents arrive at a joint

A sister of an out gay brother was embarrassed at family gatherings

RELATIONS WITH PARENTS 29

DISCLOSURE AND YOUTHS’ SELF-EVALUATION

Research has thus far failed to unequivocally demonstrate that disclo-

30 MOM, DAD. I’M GAY.

RELATIONS WITH PARENTS 31