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Abstract
Love is a psychological need that necessitates reciprocation from the receiving end. This
implies that love requires a language for communication. Chapman talks about five primary
languages of love namely, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, receiving gifts,
and acts of service. One of the commonly cited reasons for the breakdown of intimate
relationships is a deficit in expressing and experiencing love. In the present study, a qualitative
approach has been adopted to conduct personal interviews with 30 married persons in order
to understand the love dynamics in operation within the context of their married lives. The
data collected was analysed to elicit themes that are reflective of the operationalization of love
languages. Implications of the research direct counsellors, therapists, and psychologists to
psychoeducation of couples on the construct of love languages and provide tailor-made
interventions for conflict-filled marriages.
The quest on the search for what are the actual ingredients that contribute to marital happiness
dates back to the 1930s wherein Terman who is famous for his contribution to the field of
intelligence referred to the various opinions on marital happiness as “the chaos of opinion on
the determiners of marital happiness” (Goleman). Relationships become complicated when
individuals are unable to communicate what they feel, their needs, and desires to their
significant other. Levinger says that happiness in marriage doesn't depend on how compatible
couples are, but it is based on how they resolve or deal with the incompatibilities between
them. Relationships often don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel as their needs are unmet
and partners feel psychologically deprived. This drives the partners to restrict their emotions
and thoughts to themselves causing them to emotionally and physically withdraw from their
partner. Gottman and Krokoff state that a high degree of responsiveness among couples to
one another can help to reduce tension and motivate couples to solve conflicts among them.
Chapman says that couples express a lack of desire and motivation to initiate efforts to
Chapman states that every individual has a love language, which in other terms is a reflection
of the way in which they desire to be loved. Lemieux and Hale assert that for a behavior to
qualify for the status of an expression of love, it must be recognized and validated by both
parties invested in the relationship. It does not guarantee the status of a love expression if only
one party understands or perceives it or further follows it. Chapman further details the concept
of love languages by symbolizing an individual’s need for love to a tank, or a love tank to be
more specific. Chapman states that the love tank is a highly specialized tank that only becomes
full when the individual receives love in the way they desire it (their love language). After
years of counselling and therapy with clients who came to visit him, Chapman adopted the
grounded theory analysis and concluded that there are primarily five love languages through
which individuals generally express and expect love, namely, words of affirmation, quality
time, physical touch, receiving gifts, and acts of service. The love languages operate in a
hierarchical manner wherein the most preferred love language is referred to as the primary
love language. A deficit in the reception of the primary love language is what leads to
dissatisfaction with the relationships among partners and congruence in love languages among
partners was correlated with less distress (Bland and McQueen).
A concept related to the love languages was proposed by Stafford et al. (2000) namely,
strategic relational maintenance behaviors, which is defined as a wide array of behaviors
that are undertaken with the intention of bettering the relationship. The maintenance
behaviors identified by Stafford include assurances, openness, positivity, sharing tasks, and
social networks. Hecht et al. also arrived at five categories of love namely, mutual activity,
special occasions, offerings, sacrifices, and selfless. The concepts of love languages and
relational maintenance behaviors appear to converge in many aspects. Dainton and Stafford
state that relational maintenance pertains to behaviors that are enacted intentionally for the
betterment of the relationship, similarly, Chapman also suggests that love languages have
to be strategically executed as the couples have to learn each other's language and further
make conscious efforts to practice it.
According to Bland and McQueen the concept of love languages is a reflection of the
humanistic theories, in which it focuses away from agendas that are built on self-
centeredness and look at the uniqueness of the significant other and delights in it. It is a
reflection of healthy love wherein the partner’s well-being is of primary concern and their
idiosyncrasies are treated with respect rather than contempt. Chapman states that exerting
effort to consciously follow one’s partner’s love language gives them the satisfaction of
having genuinely loved the other. It directs an individual to break free from their ego-
centric zones and defenses to broaden their range of experiences.
The validity of Chapman's concept of love languages was done by Egbert and Polk and
they arrived at the conclusion that there was considerable validity to the construct. Bland
and McQueen reported that among couples with aligned love languages, the partners felt
happier because when partners were able to understand the partner’s desires of being loved
in a specific manner, it facilitated better communication amongst them and it led to
openness in communication regarding their desires. However, in research done by Bunt and
Hazelwood, it was suggested that the efficacy of love languages is based on the couple’s
capacity to exhibit self-regulatory behaviors or their willingness to change for the better.
Research by Egbert and Polk shows that love languages can be effective in increasing
couple communication.
Objectives
Looking at the review of literature presented the researcher with the idea that research on love
languages is comparatively scant and to the best knowledge of the researchers, a qualitative
study on love languages was not to be found in the available literature. Therefore, the
researchers decided to do a qualitative study to understand the operation of love languages in
the relationship of married people.
The present study was done with the following brief objectives in mind namely,
✔ To explore new expressions of love and associated dialects that could possibly emerge
Method
The reasons behind why the researcher decided to adopt a qualitative approach towards the
research are detailed below:
Firstly, though the researcher was able to find a handful of studies that explored the
construct of love languages (Bland and McQueen; Bunt and Hazelwood; Egbert and Polk;
Surijah and Septiarly), a dearth in the adoption of a qualitative methodology to understand
the construct was felt. Secondly, the researcher could not find standardized questionnaires
with sound psychometric properties relevant to the Indian context in the available literature.
Thirdly, the researcher felt that the sample chosen for the present study, ie. married people
would elicit better responses if the questions that were posed to them required to elaborate
on the intricacies and details of their marriage, rather than when they are asked to zero
down their experiences to a single rating score or tick mark. Before proceeding with the
study, the researchers ensured that all the criteria mentioned in the 32-item checklist
(COREQ) for qualitative research by (Tong et al.) were covered.
Measurement
As the study addressed concerns and opinions pertaining to personal and intimate topics, the
participants were asked to sign a consent form declaring their voluntary involvement in the
study. The participants were also given the option of withdrawing from the study at any point
in time and it was assured that the data published would not involve any details pertaining to
their identity. Data was collected via telephonic and personal interviews after obtaining the
consent of the participants at a time of their convenience. The participants were informed
beforehand that as the study was of a qualitative nature, the responses provided by them would
have to be recorded for the researcher’s ease.
Further, the participants were detailed on the love languages as proposed by Chapman and
were then asked to rank in order the five love languages that they preferred and then were
later asked to rate the love languages of their spouse as perceived by them. The researcher
urged the participants to initiate following the love language of their spouse and provided
them with an idea regarding the different dialects that came under their spouse’s preferred
primary love language. The interviews ended with the researcher thanking the participants
for their time and cooperation.
Data Analysis
The data analysis was carried out using content analysis. After the data was collected from
all the participants, the researcher proceeded to hear the recordings a couple of times and
prepared notes based on the answers provided. The researcher began to categorize the
themes that emerged into coherent groups. Once the responses were satisfactorily grouped,
the researcher gave appropriate titles to the different categories. The researcher went
through the final list of themes a number of times in order to ensure that there was no
redundancy or repetition. The final themes were further shared with experts and the
researcher’s guide to confirm the categories and any reasonable modifications suggested
were carried out.
The second question that was asked to the participants was, “How do you show or express
love to your spouse?”. Based on the responses of the participants, the researcher arrived at the
following categories namely, Words, Actions, Time, and Trust. Few of these categories were
derived as expressions of love in another qualitative research done and reported by Kumar et
al. Research suggests that the expression of love is one among the most valorized concepts of
human emotions (Wilkins and Gareis) suggesting that love is polysemous in its nature
(Berscheid)
In research (Jankowiak and Fischer) to identify the common properties of love, it was seen
that the following attributes were considered as universal expressions of love, irrespective of
cultural barriers namely, desire for being one, idealization of the partner, exclusivity,
obsessive and intrusive thoughts about partner, emotional dependency, reordering of life
priorities, and empathy and concern for the partner. Considering one’s partner as special is
also a characteristic expression of love (Jankowiak and Fischer).
WORDS
The category of Words comprised of the following sub-themes namely, gratitude,
disclosure on daily events, and special names. (Refer Table 2: sub-themes 1,2, and 3).
Gratitude: Research on the importance of words of affirmation in relationships has found
that compliments and praise from significant partners can help to build relationship
satisfaction and frequent complaining in relationships tend to dampen relationship
satisfaction (Flora and Segrin). One of the basic human needs is the need to be appreciated
(Palmer). Some authors compare the need to be valued and appreciated to the need to
breathe. People who do not appreciate their partners or refrain from receiving appreciation
are likely to experience low self-esteem and low relationship satisfaction (Lambert and
Fincham). Though it is quite difficult to remember to express gratitude towards one’s
spouse at all times, cultivating the habit can go a long way in assisting with conflict
resolution, sense of self-worth, etc (Palmer). Studies also show that couples are more
willing to sacrifice in grateful relationships (Joel et al.). Narayan suggests that enabling is
a love language. Enablers motivate and push their spouses to become the best version of
themselves.
Disclosure of daily events: Marriage is a bond that leads to the fulfillment of warmth,
friendship, and love (Faradina et al). Waring et al define self-disclosure as an act that
involves the courage to make ourselves known and understood through opinions, attitudes,
feelings, and verbal sharing of past experiences. Jourard states that self-disclosure allows
others to judge, listen, and trust. Research suggests that communication between couples
is an important predictor of marital happiness (Caughlin). Jourard states that couples
experience frequent conflicts if their partner was too quiet or didn't share their thoughts in
marriage suggesting a lack of openness. Self-disclosure is ranked as an important aspect of
communication in marriage (Baumeister and Vohs). Inability to self-disclose among
partners paves way for an inability to adapt, lack of self-confidence, feelings of inferiority,
etc., which in turn can affect the mental health of the relationship partners (Johnson).
ACTIONS
When looking at the category of Actions, the various sub-themes that constitute it are
gifting/surprising. financial support, being nice to in-laws, and caring when sick. (Refer
Table 2: sub-themes 4,5,6, and7).
Gifting/Surprising: Though many people look at gift-giving as an expensive act of love and
sometimes may even forget it as an expression of love, it is actually the thought process that
goes behind the act of careful selection, creation, and the anticipation involved behind the
act that glorifies it to an expression of love. Komter and Vollebergh refer to gift-giving as
the cement of relationships. Gifts can be symbolic of various emotions such as sympathy,
love, indebtedness, etc. Gift-giving can be reflective of either altruistic or reciprocating
norms (Komter).
Being nice to in-laws: The social environment that couples live in plays an important role
in determining their marital quality (Bryant et al.), with the effect of the presence of in-laws
having a tremendous impact (Timmer and Veroff). Research suggests that excessive contact
with in-laws can negatively impact marital satisfaction, especially when the choice of spouse
was not fully approved by the in-laws (Booth and Edwards). In a study done by Al-Attar and
El-Gibaly, it was seen that the wives’ perception of whether the presence of in-laws
increased or decreased their workload was a direct contributor to marital satisfaction. In a
Caring when sick: Studies (Rolland) pertaining to marriage in which one of the partners is
not well, show that the healthy partner has to undergo tremendous changes in terms of
increasing stress, lifestyle and role changes, increased time spent in caregiving, etc., Roland
states that men have a difficult time accepting the fact that they can be recipients of nurture
when they are ill as the image of being providers for the family is strongly etched in their
mind. On the other hand, when wives fall ill, the husbands experience anxiety worrying
about how to manage the care of their partner and how to care for their emotions.
QUALITY TIME
When looking at the love language of quality time, the category consists of the following
sub-themes namely, physical intimacy, vacations, and mutually enjoyable activities.
Research done by Stolarski et al. posited that there are differences in perception of time spent
together among couples, These perceptual differences were found to be influencing
relationship quality to a larger extent suggesting that it is not the expression of love language
that matters, but the perception of the expressed love language by the receiver that aids in
relationship satisfaction. (Refer Table 2: sub-themes 8,9, and 10).
Physical Intimacy: The underlying basis of all physical and sexual interactions of love is
touch which is one of the first forms of communication humans develop as infants (Morgan).
Touch is one of the essentials of a romantic relationship as it stimulates the production of
the love hormone, oxytocin (Edwards) which helps to build attachment and generate feelings
of well-being between two intimate partners.
Vacations: Tarkang et al. suggest that decisions with regard to what people would like to do
in their leisure time, of which annual holidays are an important constituent are directly
related to their family's happiness. Deciding on vacation spots is a time-consuming process
in which greater investment of time is needed with regard to budget allocation, narrowing
down a vacation destination, and suggestions regarding the same (Razzouk et al.). Taking a
vacation is also associated with benefits such as recreation, relaxation, bonding, et. for
couples (Mélon et al.). Vacations with family have also been proved to improve
communication among couples (Durko and Petrick).
Mutually enjoyable activities: When couples spend time together in activities that are
exciting and novel it helps to boost satisfaction (Aron et al.). Girme et al. assert that the
extent to which shared activities are perceived positively in a relationship is dependent on
three factors including the type of activity, the motivation behind undertaking the activity,
and the partner’s degree of commitment to the activity.
TRUST
When looking a the newly emerged love expression of trust, the sub-themes were as
follows: obedience, fidelity, and forgiveness. (Refer Table 2: sub-themes 11,12, and 13)
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THEME: INTIMACY
1 Care “Needs in marriage can change, but support must be B, 30yrs, Wife
unconditional”
2 Give “Its a give and take policy, both of us have to put in 100 P, 39yrs,
and percent for the journey to go on…” Husband
Take
3 Constant “It’s that feeling of wanting it to be evening so that we can MP, 27yrs, Wife
together be together again”
ness
THEME: PASSION
“I don’t know what is love any longer, but I think it was SJ, 46yrs, Wife
3 Addiction what I felt when we began our relationship and we used to
do everything together….wear matching outfits, take a lot
of photos…just couldn’t be away from each other”
“Love is the emotion that drives you to be childlike, MP, 27yrs, Wife
5 Freedom impulsive, genuine, and free”
THEME: COMMITMENT
“It is love when you know that there is no one else in this
6 Satisfactio world that you would rather be with” AR, 32yrs, Wife
n with
one’s
choice
Accepta “Love is the ability to accept life as it is…the good and the
8 nce bad” D, 37yrs, Husband
THEME: WORDS
1 Our marriage was one that took place after a lot of PM, 26yrs Wife
Gratitude waiting…and I am forever grateful to God to have him as
my husband….I make it a point to let him know how much
he means to me…
2 As soon as he returns from the office, I start ranting about MJ, 38yrs, Wife
Disclosure my day to him and it is such a relief….though he doesn’t
of daily share as much as I do…i think that little time where we tell
events each other about our day is the best time we spent
together….
THEME: ACTIONS
Financial Some of my friends tell me that they feel uncomfortable MM, 30yrs, Wife
5 support when their spouses ask them for money….however, I have
never felt so…in fact, I am quite proud of being able to back
him financially and support his ventures…
THEME: TIME
Mutuall For us even after the kids have come, we make it a point that
10 y we go out whenever possible, just the two of us D, 37yrs, Husband
enjoyabl
e
activitie
s
THEME: TRUST
Fidelity I don’t see the point in sending many texts and constantly
12 checking one’s spouse…If you trust them, let them be free, it M, 35yrs, Wife
is sometimes the excessive intrusions that can direct them to
explore other alternative options…
Forgive When we fight, I can’t stay mad at him for long…Though I try
13 ness my best to put up a stern face, I really can’t hold my act AMP, 29yrs, Wife
together for long….I walk up to him and say, “you are
forgiven” with all the attitude I can manage and then we bot
burst out laughing….
Declarations
Funding: The authors wish to state that there was no funding received for the paper.
Data Availability Statement: The data of the study is not available, however, upon
reasonable request, the data will be made available.
Authors' contributions: ALM has written the various sections of the paper, prepared the
manuscript and tables and collected the data for the study and written the methodology
section. SS has assisted in coding the themes emerged in the study and has meticulously gone
through the manuscript and suggested revisions and has also assisted in the data analysis
procedure. Both authors have read and approved the final manuscript
Ethics approval: The study was approved by the Ethical committee members of the
Department of Psychology, University of Madras, Chennai, India
Consent to participate: Informed consent was obtained from the participants of the study
expressing their willingness to be part of the study.
Consent for publication: Consent for publication was obtained from the participants and the
co-author.
Towards Excellence: An Indexed, Refereed & Peer Reviewed Journal of Higher Education/
Asha Latha Mathew & Dr. S. Sasikala/ Page 782-804
Ph.D. Research Scholar
Department of Psychology, University of Madras, Chennai, India
ORCID: 0000-0002-8792-8164
&
Dr. S.Sasikala
Assistant Professor
Department of Psychology, University of Madras, Chennai, India
ORCID: 0000-0003-1765-7546