I.D.ENTITY |ĪˈDENTITĒ!

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Identity Personal Challenge Activity

TEST # 5: IDENTIFY YOUR CORE FEAR
This test to help you understand your core fears that accelerate conflicts.
Taken from the DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley
Core Fears
The destructive dance that everyone engages in usually stems from fear. Ever person struggles with some core fear. The
two most common core fears are loosing power with others or circumstances (feeling controlled) and the threat of disconnect
with others. Most women have a core fear related to disconnection (separation), which is fear of not being heard, not being
valued, loosing the love of another or being alone. Most men have a core fear of helplessness (losing power), feeling
controlled, fear of failure, or getting stepped on or misused.
• Most women have a core fear related to DISCONNECTION-they fear not being heard, not being valued, somehow
losing the love of another.
• Most men have a core fear of HELPLESSNESS or feeling CONTROLLED-they fear failure or getting stepped on.

The Fear Dance

Identifying your core fear is important because fear is the music that starts the relationship dance. When we try to stop
the other person from making us feel our core fear, the other person is simply revealing what our core fear is. In reality they
are giving us an opportunity to choose a better course a better course of action that will allow us to deal with our core fear in
a healthy manner.

The Steps in the Fear Dance

In essence, the cycle begins when your feelings are hurt or you experience that heart, gut emotional pain. Then you want to
stop feeling this emotional and want the other person to stop treating you in such a way that “causes” you to feel the pain.
You fear they won’t change, so you react and try to motivate them to change. In doing so, you start the same process in the
other person. They hurt, want, fear and react. And the dancing begins. Remember, the issues that started the conflict are
rarely the problem at all. The fear dance can start with money, room mate disagreements or anything. The problem is our
core fears that keep the argument going and escalating.

Step 1- “You Fear”

You want to connect, be accepted, respected, etc. but you fear the other person will not change and treat you in ways that
reduce your emotional pain. You want control but you fear you are powerless.

Step 2- “You React”

People fall into patterns of reacting when their buttons are pushed. Most people use unhealthy reactions to deal with fear.
Most of us try different ways to change the other person’s words and actions so that we will feel better. As a result, our
relationships are sabotaged. It’s how you choose to react when your fear button is pushed that determines harmony. (use the
beginning story here to illustrate how they both reacted.)
Breaking the rhythm of the Fear Dance.
Once you identify your core fear, the solution often suggests itself. In most cases, all it takes is a true understanding of the
real underlying problem...you own fears. The best solutions are realizing that your fear is yours and it is solved by turning to
God and working with Him alone. You can use books, counselors and friends, but the solution does not involve changing the
other party who “causes your pain.” No one or nothing “causes” your fears. You have them inside of you and they are yours
alone.

Identity Winter Camp, | January 3-6, 2011 | Lake Arrowhead, Ca

I.D.ENTITY |ĪˈDENTITĒ! PAGE 2

Identity Personal Challenge Activity

TEST # 5: IDENTIFY YOUR CORE FEAR CONTINUED...
This test to help you understand your core fears that accelerate conflicts.

1. IDENTIFY THE CONFLICT: Identify a recent conflict, argument, or negative situation with your spouse, friend, child, neighbor,
coworker, or whomever – something that really “pushed your buttons” or upset you. Think about how you were feeling and how you wished
the person would not say or do the things that upset you. You might have thought something like, If only you would stop saying or doing
_____, I would not be so upset.
2. IDENTIFY YOUR FEELINGS. How did this conflict or negative situation make you feel? Check all the apply-but “star” the
most important feelings:

___ Unsure ___ Apathetic ___ Puzzled ___ Upset ___ Sad ___ Hurt ___ Disappointed
___ Wearied ___ Tom up ___ Shamed ___ Uncomfortable ___ Confused ___ Worried ___ Disgusted
___ Resentful ___ Bitter ___ Fed up ___ Frustrated ___ Miserable ___ Guilty ___ Embarrassed
___ Frightened ___ Anxious ___ Horrified ___ Disturbed ___ Furious ___ Sullen
___ Other: ______________ ___ Other: ______________ ___ Other: ______________

3. IDENTIFY YOUR FEAR: How did this conflict make you feel about yourself ? What did the conflict “say” about you and your
feelings? Check all that apply, but “star” the most important feeling.

X OR * “AS A RESULT OF THE CONFLICT, I FELT...” WHAT THAT FEELING SOUNDS LIKE

Rejected The other person doesn’t want me or need

me; I am not necessary in this relationship;
I feel unwanted.

Abandoned The other person will ultimately leave me;

I will be left alone to care for myself; the
other person won’t be committed to me for
life.

Disconnected We will become emotionally detached or

separated; I will feel cut off from the other
person.

Like a failure I am not successful at being a husband/

wife, friend, parent, coworker; I will not
perform correctly

Helpless I cannot do anything to change the other

person or my situation; I do not possess the
power, resources, capacity, or ability to get
what I want; I will feel controlled by the
other person.

Defective Something is wrong with me; I’m the

problem.

Inadequate I am not capable; I am incompetent.

Identity Winter Camp, | January 3-6, 2011 | Lake Arrowhead, Ca

I.D.ENTITY |ĪˈDENTITĒ! PAGE 3

Identity Personal Challenge Activity

TEST # 5: IDENTIFY YOUR CORE FEAR CONTINUED...
This test to help you understand your core fears that accelerate conflicts.

X OR * “AS A RESULT OF THE CONFLICT, I FELT...” WHAT THAT FEELING SOUNDS LIKE

Inferior Everyone else is better than I am; I am less

valuable or important than others.

Invalidated Who I am, what I think, what I do, or how

I feel is not valued.

Unloved The other person doesn’t care about me;

my relationship lacks warm attachment,
admiration, enthusiasm, or devotion.

Dissatisfied I will not experience satisfaction in the

relationship; I will not feel joy or
excitement about the relationship.

Cheated The other person will take advantage of

me or will withhold something I need; I
won’t get what I want.

Worthless I am useless; I have no value to the other

person.

Unaccepted I am never able to meet the other

person’s expectations; I am not good
enough.

Judged I am always being unfairly judged; the

other person forms faulty or negative
opinions about me; I am always being
evaluated; the other person does not
approve of me.

Humiliated The relationship is extremely

destructive to my self-respect or
dignity.

Ignored The other person will not pay

attention to me; I feel neglected.

Insignificant I am irrelevant in the relationship; the

other person does not see me as an
important part of our relationship.

Identity Winter Camp, | January 3-6, 2011 | Lake Arrowhead, Ca

I.D.ENTITY |ĪˈDENTITĒ! PAGE 4

Identity Personal Challenge Activity

TEST # 5: IDENTIFY YOUR CORE FEAR CONTINUED...
This test to help you understand your core fears that accelerate conflicts.

4. IDENTIFY YOUR REACTIONS: What do you do when you feel [insert the most important feeling from question #3]? How do you
react when you feel that way? Identify your common verbal or physical reactions to deal with that feeling. Check all that apply but “star”
the most important reactions:

X OR * REACTION EXPLANATION

Withdrawal You avoid others or alienate yourself

without resolution; you sulk or use the
silent treatment.

Escalation Your emotions spiral out of control; you

argue, raise your voice, fly into a rage.

Try harder You try to do more to earn others’ love and

care.

Negative beliefs You believe the other person is far worse

than is really the case; you see the other
person in a negative light or attribute
negative motives to him or her.

Blaming You place responsibility on others, not

accepting fault; you’re convinced the
problem is the other person’s fault.

Exaggeration You make overstatements or enlarge your

words beyond bounds or the truth.

Tantrums You have fits of bad temper.

Denial You refuse to admit the truth or reality.

Invalidation You devalue the other person; you do not

appreciate what he or she feels or thinks or
does.

Defensiveness Instead of listening you defend yourself by

providing an explanation.

Clinginess You develop a strong emotional attachment

or dependence on the other person.

Passive-aggressive You display negative emotions, resentment,

and aggression in passive ways, such as
procrastination and stubbornness.

Identity Winter Camp, | January 3-6, 2011 | Lake Arrowhead, Ca

I.D.ENTITY |ĪˈDENTITĒ! PAGE 5

Identity Personal Challenge Activity

TEST # 5: IDENTIFY YOUR CORE FEAR CONTINUED...
This test to help you understand your core fears that accelerate conflicts.

X OR * REACTION EXPLANATION

Caretaking You become responsible for the other

person by giving physical or emotional care
and support to the point you are doing
everything for the other person, who does
nothing to care for himself or herself.

Acting out You engage in negative behaviors, such as

drug or alcohol abuse, extramarital affairs,
excessive shopping or spending, or
overeating.

Fix-it mode You focus almost exclusively on what is

needed to solve the problem.

Complaining You express unhappiness or make

accusations; you criticize, creating a list of
the other person’s faults.

Aggression or abuse You become verbally or physically

aggressive, possibly abusive.

Manipulation You control the other person for your own

advantage; you try to get him or her to do
what you want.

Anger and rage You display strong feelings of displeasure

or violent and uncontrolled emotions.

Catastrophize You use dramatic, exaggerated expressions

to depict that the relationship is in danger
or that it has failed.

Numbing out You become devoid of emotion, or you

have no regard for others’ needs or
troubles.

Humor You use humor as a way of not dealing

with the issue at hand.

Sarcasm You use negative humor, hurtful words,

belittling comments, cutting remarks, or
demeaning statements.

Passive-aggressive You display negative emotions, resentment,

and aggression in passive ways, such as
procrastination and stubbornness.

Identity Winter Camp, | January 3-6, 2011 | Lake Arrowhead, Ca

I.D.ENTITY |ĪˈDENTITĒ! PAGE 6

Identity Personal Challenge Activity

TEST # 5: IDENTIFY YOUR CORE FEAR CONTINUED...
This test to help you understand your core fears that accelerate conflicts.

X OR * REACTION EXPLANATION

Minimization You assert that the other person is

overreacting to an issue; you intentionally
underestimate, downplay, or softpedal the
issue.

Rationalization You attempt to make your actions seem

reasonable; you try to attribute your
behavior to credible motives; you try to
provide believable but untrue reasons for
your conduct.

Abdication You give away responsibilities.

Self-Abandonment You run yourself down; you neglect

yourself.

5.Look at the items you starred in response to question 3. List the three or four main feelings. These are your core fears:
Core fear #1 _______________________________________________________
Core fear #2 _______________________________________________________
Core fear #3 _______________________________________________________
Remember that most core fears are related to two main primary fears:
a. The fear of being controlled (losing influence or power over others).
b. The fear of being disconnected (separation from people and being alone).
More men fear losing power or being controlled, and more women fear being disconnected from relationship with others.

6. Look at the items you starred in response to question 4. List your three or four main reactions when someone pushes your core fear
button.
Reaction #1 _______________________________________________________
Reaction #2 _______________________________________________________
Reaction #3 _______________________________________________________
Your responses to these exercises should help you understand your part of the Fear Dance: your core fear button and your reaction.
Remember that it’ very common for your reactions to push to core fear button of the other person in the conflict. If the other person can
figure out his or her core fears and reactions, you will see clearly the unique Fear Dance the two of you are doing. But even if the other
person isn’t able to be involved in the process of discovering his or her part of the Fear Dance, you can take steps to stop the dance.
Stopping the Dance
1. Identify your core fear or fears.
2. Accept your core fears as your own and stop trying to keep others from pushing your “fear buttons.”
3. Move your blaming finger in towards yourself.
4. Thank God that you see your own fears and seek Him alone to work with you on your fears.
5. Mature or complete love will drive your fears from you (1 John 4:18)

Identity Winter Camp, | January 3-6, 2011 | Lake Arrowhead, Ca