THE WINGS: This is where the actors wait immediately before they go

onstage. When in the wings, we follow these rules:

Be quiet •
Do not touch any prop that does not belong to you •
If you can see the audience the audience can see you •
Make room for the people who have to go on first •

JACK and the BEANSTALK

Characters:
Jack Trott: Principal Boy. He is dashing, brave and confident, and of
course in love with Jill.
Jill: Principal Girl. Squires daughter, she is sweet but sassy.
Dame Trott: Jack’s widowed mother, She is fiesty and funny.
Rotten: The Baddie- a goblin and the Giant’s servant. He is a
creepy, slimeball of a villain.
Rancid: The Baddie- a goblin and the Giant’s servant. He is a
creepy, slimeball of a villain.
Squire: The village Squire and father of Jill. An older comedy
part, he’s an old duffer but kind at heart.
Billy: Jack’s brother, the lead comic and audience participation
character.
Blunderbore: The giant – offstage mic or pre-recorded vocal
Daisy: Jack’s cow, always popular and able to get laughs from a
mere turn of the head.
Fairy Moonbeam: The magical fairy from the clouds
Hen: The giant’s pet hen. Funny and loveable.
ACT ONE
Scene 1: The Village Green
Scene 2: Trot’s house
Scene 3: The Village Green/FOC
Scene 4: The Market/Village Green/Trot’s house

ACT TWO
Scene 1: The Giant’s Kitchen
Scene 2: The Forest/The Village Green

PROLOGUE
Front of curtain
Small fanfare or fairy tinkle/ Spotlight up on stage R- no one there,
fanfare again- pause- fanfare again, spotlight moves L, FAIRY appears R,
rather breathless and slightly bedraggled, spotlight catches her and
there is a flash. FAIRY moonbeam enters d.s.r. she is a cloud fairy, dressed
in white with a skirt that looks like a cloud, fairy wings and a hat with a
lightning bolt.

FAIRY OO-er sorry I’m late, trouble with the traffic. There are
so many…. many, many, panto fairies flying around at this time of
year and all of them seem to have colds. There are plans to introduce
a congestion charge
ELF: Get on with it!/Depeche -toi!
FAIRY Cheek! Right! Gosh – that got the show off with a bang! Did
it wake you all up? I said did it wake you all up? (Audience shout yes!)
That’s better – I knew you were going to be a good audience as soon as I saw
the amount of wine glasses in the foyer. Oh I should introduce myself. I am
FAIRY Moonbeam, I’m a cloud fairy – at least I was. I’ve been banished
from my home in the sky by the evil giant, Blunderbore, who’s built himself
an enormous castle in the clouds where I used to live and it is my job to
keep an eye on Aladdin….
ELF: It’s JACK!/C'est Jack
FAIRY Pardon?
ELF: This time its JACK and the Beanstalk/Aladdin, c'était l'année derniere.
FAIRY Are you sure?
ELF: Yes!/Oui!
FAIRY I knew that! I was just testing. But just in case boys and girls, if I
slip into the wrong panto again would you shout out ‘wrong panto
Moonbeam!’? You will? Let’s practice (hopefully they will respond as
required) Now then:
 Welcome to our pantomime
Full of songs and jokes and rhyme

(There is a green flash s.l. - ROTTEN enters)

ROTTEN: Ha! Ha! Ha!
FAIRY: You!
ROTTEN: Yes me! ROTTEN BOTTOM, evil henchman first class.
RANCID: And me! RANCID BOTTOM, evil henchmen premier
first class.
FAIRY: The giant’s nasty little henchmen - what do you want?
ROTTEN: We’re on the look out for more goodies for Giant
Blunderbore – and all these little kiddies look very very tasty
(Looking/pointing at the audience).
FAIRY: Leave them alone you horrible little imp – how can you be
so nasty?

RANCID: You’re no match for Blunderbore fairy.

FAIRY: That’s what you think. That giant will get what’s coming
to him. My friends are going to help get rid of that Giant once and for
all.

ROTTEN: Those pip-squeaks? What can they do?

FAIRY: They are on my side. Aren’t you girls and boys?

AUDIENCE: Yes!
ROTTEN: I warn you Fairy, the only thing this lot are going to give
Blunderbore is indigestion. He gets that from eating people that don’t
agree with him. Ha ha ha! Oh boo all you like – just sit back and watch
the master baddies at work. Ha ha ha!
(they exit)
FAIRY: Oh dear, boys and girls. We’re going to have to do
something to put a stop to Blunderbore. Will you help me? I said, will
you help me? (Audience shout yes!) Whenever you see those nasty
goblin henchmen, boo as if you’re life depended on it, because, well, it
just might! Now what we need is a hero, and I think I know just the
man. See you later!

SCENE 1
The Village Green ( STAGE)

SONG 1 - CHRISTMAS SONG - I wish it could be Christmas everyday/Jingle Bell Rock

CHORUS

Loud thumps, getting louder (Jurassic Park style) People stop dancing as a giant shadow falls
across the stage. Everybody runs off screaming. Enter Jack
JACK (entering)Hi there folks-my name is Jack and I live with my Mother….
(DAME peeks through curtain)
DAME STILL! No matter what I do he won’t leave. I mean I do love
him but at his age he should be ……

(JACK hastily pulls the curtains across hiding his Mother)

JACK I live with my Mother, my little brother Billy, Daisy the cow
and several hundred mice in our…….
(DAMEs head pops through the curtains again)
DAMEIn our bijou housette!
(JACK pushes her back again)
JACK In our terribly small…..shack that is falling to pieces.We live just
outside a nice little village called Little Bottom. My best friend Jill lives in the
next valley just outside a village called Big Bottom. We’ve known each other
since we were children. She’s the Squire's daughter. She’s awfully pretty and
kind and nice and well….. Can you keep a secret? (if no reply) Can you keep a
secret? Well I think I’m in love with Jill. But the thing is I don’t know if she
loves me. Oh here she is now. (JILL enters carrying a bucket)
JILL Oh Jack!
JACK Jill! I didn’t think you’d know my name miss, me being a lowly
milkman, and you being the Squire’s daughter.
JILL Don’t be silly. I’ve seen you on your rounds. Is it fun being a milkman?
JACK: Not really, but the dairy is the family business.

JILL: Is your father a milkman?

JACK: He was an ice-cream man, but he’s passed away.

JILL: Sorry to hear that, was it sudden?
JACK: He went out selling ice creams one morning as usual, and a few
hours later we found him dead. He was covered in strawberry sauce and
hundreds and thousands, with a flake sticking out of each ear.

JILL: That’s terrible! Have you a big herd?

JACK: Massive, well quite big, sort of large – actually just the one cow.
Like I say, we’re pretty poor.
JILL: I’m really very ordinary too. In fact I’ve been waiting on tables in the
cocktail bar at The Royal (change to local bar) just so I can mix with some
commoners.

JACK: I can’t drink cocktails, they give me a sharp stabbing pain in my eye.
JILL:Have you tried taking the umbrella out?
JACK: Gosh, you’re clever as well as beautiful. And a great singer.
JILL:What a flatterer.
JACK: Do you believe in love at first sight Jill?
JILL:I do now.
(SQUIRE enters.)
SQUIRE: Jill! Don’t you know its dangerous to be out here?

JILL: Father, even with that horrible giant, I can’t fail to be happy on such a
beautiful sunny day.

SQUIRE: Not even my daughter’s safe while that monster is on the

loose. (Pointing at the chorus) Look, the village is down to its last few children
– and they’re the scrawniest, scruffiest ones.

VILLAGER 1: Who you calling scruffy? /N’importe quoi!

VILLAGER 2: We’re going to beat the giant.
VILLAGER 1: What chance have we got against Blunderbore?
GIANT: (Off stage mic) Fe Fi Fo Fum, I want some kiddies in my tum, Rotten! Rancid!
Get me some Children!

ALL: Argh! It’s the Giant! (children run away)

GIANT: Ca sent la chair fraiche!

VILLAGER 3: Go away you nasty Giant!

VILLAGER 4: He’s demanding money from everyone

VILLAGER 5: He does that every month yet no one’s ever seen him!

VILLAGER 6: We hear his giant footsteps and see a giant shadow cutting out
the light and the next thing, a villager is gone!

VILLAGER 7: And they’re never seen again!

VILLAGER 8:Who do you think he’s taken this time? And who will be
next?

SQUIRE: Please go back inside Jill. It's not safe out here.
JILL: Bye Jack! Until we meet again (She exits).

SQUIRE: I don’t know what we’re going to do. Those terrible henchmen
Rotten and Rancid have been stealing from us for months now – everyone’s
broke.

JACK: We’ve got enough money to last us a lifetime Squire. As long as

we all die next Tuesday.

SQUIRE: Then it’s time we did something about it. I’ve come to a decision Jack.
Any man who will rid us of the beast, shall have my daughter’s
hand in marriage.

JACK: What about the rest of her?

SQUIRE: Spread the word far and wide – I seek a hero for this deadly quest.

JACK: Er, you know there’s just me here right?

 SQUIRE: Then go and tell everyone else!
(SQUIRE exits)

JACK: Not likely – I’m keeping that to myself. But how on earth
could I take on a
giant? How would I get up there for a start?

(JACK exits s.l in a pensive mood, DAME Enters s.r)

DAMEJACK…….JACK. Where is that boy? (sees audience) Oh..people!

Girls and Boys, Women and Men and some I’m not sure about! Much better
crowd than last night, in quantity if not quality! Ohh… Hello sir! Oh I was so
excited I forgot to tell you my name! It’s Trot, DAME Trot. I’m not a real
dame like DAME Judi Dench. No my mother – bless her cotton socks thought
that DAME was an actual first name like…..Celine or Beyonce…..She meant
well though. Although my full name is actually DAME ‘rats I’ve dropped
her in the font’ Trot. That was the fault of our vicar, the Reverend
Butterfingers. Now I’m a widow…..do I get an Ahh? Thank you! 21 glorious
happy years I had! And then I met my husband! But although I can tell you
are all amazed at my wonderful figure and fantastic dress sense I’m sure
you’d be shocked to know that I am poor. (Wait for reaction from
audience) Oh no I’m much poorer than that! (hopefully a better response) Oh
that’s better, what a lovely sympathetic audience you are. I don’t suppose you
could give me a couple of quid? Let’s have a look. Could you put the lights up
Alec, that’s Alec, Alec - trician. Now then, let’s see, any lottery multi-
millionaire’s in the audience? Oh dear, pretty poor pickings tonight. (she goes
down into the audience and picks on an audience member) You look rich? Are
you? (ad lib with other audience members) Oh, how disappointing I’d have
thought if you could afford to come to a pantomime you afford to help out a
young woman down on her luck. Yes I am talking about me! (goes back on
stage)
(Maybe do birthday shoutouts etc)
Now then as I was saying I live in this lovely---hovel with my two sons, Jack
Euston Trot …he’s my eldest and Billy- he’s the youngest-here he comes
now!
BILLY Hello mum, --Ohh..who are all these people? Hello kids!
DAMEI’m going to find that Jack! You hold the fort.
BILLY Pardon? Hold the what?
DAME I said fort!
BILLY Oh, fort! I thought you said f….
DAME I don’t want to know what you thought. Now Billy, please will
you look after this wreck of a shack? And while you’re at it would you look
after this basket of eggs for me - put it somewhere safe. These eggs are all we
have to eat for the week! I was hoping to rustle up a little money for our
dinner, but it was not to be. (exit DAME glaring daggers at the audience)
BILLY Yes mum..Oh she’s gone! I’m Billy, Jack’s much more handsome
brother. Trouble is, people don’t take me seriously. Most people just laugh at
me, ‘cause when I grow up I want to be a comedian, I’m gonna do it too –
they won’t be laughing then will they? It’s really nice to see you ‘cause I’m a
bit lonely to be honest. Now where shall I put this basket –I know, here you
lot can help me - if anyone tries to take the basket can you all call me? Yes ?
 You will? Then just shout ‘EGGS BILLY’ – Shall we practice! (usual
Business)
BILLY Perfect! I’m off now to find JACK, see you! (exits s.l)
(enter JACK s.r)
JACK I wonder what’s in this basket? (he goes to remove the basket, hopefully the
audience will shout ‘Eggs BILLY’-Billy rushes in)
BILLY Thanks kids! Put that Basket back Jack
(enter DAME)
DAME Oh there you are at last Jack! I suppose you were up that hill with
Jill getting water again! (to JACK) Euston, (to audience) that’s his second
name –Jack Euston Trot. Well Euston, we have a problem! Who writes this
rubbish? We have no money and only those few eggs to last us the week!
BILLY Have you tried asking the audience?
DAME What? That lot? I tried asking and do you know what they did?
They laughed. Have you looked at them? Some of them look like they’ve not
got two credit cards to rub together. I mean look at him (points to audience
member) In my day people dressed up to go to the theatre.
BILLY: Everyone did in Victorian times didn’t they?

DAME: (Clips him around the ear) Anymore of this cheek and you’ll
get no presents for Chritsmas.

JACK I suppose we’ll have to sell something!

DAME We haven’t got anything to sell! My jewellery went months ago.
The moneylender said I was his most frequent customer. He called me his
Pawn star! What do we have that we could possibly sell for real money. Oh
to be rich!

SONG 2 - Money, Money, Money (Abba)

DAME, JACK, BILLY and CHORUS

SCENE 2
(ROTTEN and RANCID enter from back of auditorium)

ROT What is that horrible smell Rancid?

RAN I don’t know! It can’t be me! I had my annual bath nine months ago. ROT
It’s not me! I had mine eleven months ago! Urgh! I know what it is! RAN
Yes?
ROT It’s…it’s.…children, nasty smelly disgustingly horrible
RAN Children! Urgh lets get on the stage quickly perhaps the smell will be less?
(both run down stairs tripping up as they reach the stage)
ROT I’m Rotten
RAN and I’m Rancid
ROT and we’re the Giant Blunderbore’s
ROT/RAN assistants!
ROT We have a cunning plan
RAN We ‘arrange’ the Giants ‘appearances’
ROT we ‘disappear’ the locals
RAN Oh there really is a giant
ROT and he really lives in the cloud castle
RAN and he has a magic hen
ROT that lays golden eggs
RAN but we still extort money
ROT from the villagers
RAN Money for our wardrobe, that’s clothes to you, look at the quality

(enter FAIRY s.r)

FAIRY Hello boys and girls, …Oh gosh! What is that awful pong ? Phew! Oh
look it’s the two Ugly Sisters. They’ve done really well with the
ugly make-up!! It’s very convincing. Never the les Cinders
shall go to the ball!!
(audience shout ’wrong panto’ )
ROT Ere Rancid, did she just call us ugly?
RAN Well she said the ugly make –up was really good ROT
But we’re not wearing make-up! We’re aunatural!
FAIRY: You two again! Why don’t you both go and go and get a proper job?

ROTTEN We’ve got jobs

RANCID We are Blunderbore’s servants; his chef, his valet

ROTTEN and his footman.

FAIRY: Have you got the qualifications to be footmen?

RANCID Yes, we’ve got our own feet.
FAIRY: Pooh! I can smell them from here.

ROTTEN: How dare you! Wait until Blunderbore hears of your insolence.

FAIRY: Pretty soon that giant is going to meet his match. The Squire has
promised his daughter’s hand to anyone who will rid the land of Blunderbore.

RANICID What? He’ll pay for that.

FAIRY: Your master’s days are numbered.

ROT (pleased) Thank you very much.

FAIRY That was not a compliment.(to the audience)I don’t think I’m
going to have too much trouble from these two. I mean to say this pair
wouldn’t know a goose if it honked at them and then laid a Golden Egg! (if
the kids are a bit slow a reminder from the ELVES, ‘wrong Panto’) Oops!
(Exit FAIRY)
ROT I’m pleased she’s gone, ugly old fairy!
RANOh look over there lovely eggs in a basket (goes to take basket,
Hopefully audience will call ‘Eggs BILLY’ enter BILLY)
BILLY Put that basket back – now!
ROT Ah Billy Trott, just the man – You are a little eggsasperated.
RAN I would say a little over eggcited
BILLY You put those back or I’ll tell my Mum and then you’ll be in trouble!
ROT Ooooh we’re quaking in our shoes. Can’t you take a yolk?
ROTTEN We were just on our way to your dairy. Your mother hasn’t paid
the giant’s taxes this week. You owe us five gold pieces.

BILLY: But, we haven’t got any gold pieces. All we’ve got are these eggs.

RANCID Oh dear. Then I’m afraid that Blunderbore might feel inclined to
accidentally on purpose tread on that little hovel of a dairy of yours.

ROTTEN: Ideally while you, your idiot brother, and that old battleaxe of a
mother are still in it. You’ve got one more day to find the money!
RANCID You had better remind your mother
RAN that her payment is due
ROT Overdue! We’ll be back tomorrow to collect.
ROT/RAN Or else!

SONG 3 - Baddie Song (TBD)

ROTTEN, RANCID and GOBLINS
(they exit milking the boos.
as the song ends, DAME and JACK enter)

SCENE 3
Outside the house/The Village Green

DAMEDid that horrible pair say ‘or else’? Or else what?

BILLY They’ll probably call the giant and he’ll…
DAMENo – don’t say it . I was so looking forward to my 21st!
BILLY Facelift!?
DAME Cheek! (smacks him)
JACK Don’t worry, we’ll find the money-somehow
DAME Now, where is Daisy? She’s our cow. Have you seen her, girls and
boys?

DAME: Oh there you are Daisy! Isn’t she lovely? Mind you she can be a
little moo at times! Now Daisy curtsy to the audience. Say hello to Daisy boys
and girls (Daisy nods)Now Daisy we need some milk for a cup of tea, is that
alright? (Daisy shakes her head) Well we’re having some anyway! Billy, bring
over the bucket and stool and start milking!
BILLY Ok mum! Right, move Daisy into position.
(the DAME moves Daisy so that she is sideways to the audience
BILLY places the bucket under Daisy’s udder and stands at the
other end from his mum)
 DAME Now Daisy I want a pint of milk in the bucket please! (Daisy
shakes her head) I said I want a pint please!(Daisy shakes her head again
then whispers in DAME’s ear) You’ve only got tinned milk left? (Daisy nods)
Well you better give me a tin then (Daisy wriggles and strains an empty tin
falls into the bucket)
BILLY It’s empty! No wonder, it’s evaporated milk!
DAME Billy, put the stool here, grab her dangly bits, not her tail the
other dangly bits! Not there! The bucket goes under her!

JACK: When she’s fed up she doesn’t give us any milk - and without
milk to sell how can we pay the henchmen their gold?

BILLY: Right, this calls for Operation Milk Pull!

(BENNY HILL STYLE ROUTINE - DAME, JACK, BILLY and DAISY)

DAMEOh, I’m so tired, I feel like I’ve climbed Everest!

BILLY Pardon?
DAME Everest
JACK I think I will mum, I’m a bit tired too
BILLY The Giants ‘orrible henches were here Jack- they want their money.
JACK Oh what are we going to do? We don’t have any money.
BILLY and only those six eggs as food for the week
DAMEand Daisy’s stopped giving us milk!
JACK That’s it. Daisy the cow. We’ll have to sell her at the market!
DAMEOh I can’t part with Daisy. She’s all we’ve got, she gives gave us milk and
my dear departed husband gave her to me as a wedding present. I’ve known
her since she was knee high.
BILLY Don’t you mean Calf high?
JACK Mum, you’ve got to be tough and ruthless!
BILLY More like rough and toothless!
DAMEVery well- take her to the market- we need the money

SONG - Spice Girls - Goodbye My Friend

(Photo slideshow)

DAME (in tears) Bye bye Daisy. Be a good girl now. When we get some
money we’ll come and buy you back! (gives Daisy a hug)
DAISY Moo!
DAME (to JACK) You make sure she goes to a good home (she exits in tears s.r)
(JACK, BILLY and Daisy are on the road to market)
JACK Come along Daisy. I’m really sorry that I have to sell you –
you’ve been like a well, a cow to me. I’ll miss you.
(enter JILL carrying her pail)
 JILL: Oh Jack, thank goodness you’re here.

BILLY: I’m here as well you know.

(JILL and JACK are staring at each other as if in a trance. BILLY waves his hand in front of
their faces, they do not react.)

BILLY: Oh blimey, they’re lovestruck. Jack? Jack? Come on you two snap
out of it.

JACK: (Coming to his senses) Oh, yes right Billy, you get along then,
I’ll catch you up.

BILLY: Right (He starts to lead Daisy off)

JILL Where are you all going and why do you all look so distraught?
JACK We’re all sad because ….well, the Giant’s henchpersons are
demanding their money and we don’t have any money and only six eggs to
last us a week…and as mother is in a state we’re going to have to sell the old
cow.
JILL Oh dear, the place won’t seem the same without Mrs Trot!
BILLY Not Mum! Daisy. We’re going to the market to sell Daisy the cow!
JILL Oh you poor thing I shall miss you

BILLY I can’t cope, it’s all too much. Goodbye! (exits with DAISY)

JACK: So, what are you doing in the forest?

JILL: Looking for the children. They heard the giant’s voice and ran away.
JACK: I know, I was there. He didn’t frighten me though.
JILL: You’re obviously very brave Jack. Did you see which way the
children went? I think they might have gone into the woods to hide. Jack, I was
wondering if you wouldn’t mind a slight diversion? I have my pail and ..

SONG 4 - All I want for Christmas is you

JACK, JILL and FAIRIES

JACK: I’d better be going to the market to help BILLY sell Daisy
otherwise mum will turn into a cantakerous old cow.

JILL: Wait, don't you have time just to…

JACK: Sorry Jill, gotta run.

JILL Well, good luck Jack.(exits)
(enter FAIRY)
FAIRYHello JACK. I’m Fairy Moonbeam and I’m your Fairy Godmother!
JACK You can’t be, Fairy Godmothers don’t exist!
FAIRY Oh yes they do!
JACK Oh no they don’t! (Carry on with audience)
FAIRY Oh yes they do and I should know what I am! And now Jack
 I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse! All I need are six white
mice and a
pumpkin to turn into a coach and then we can send Cinders to the ball
(usual business with the audience and/or the ELVES)
ELF It’s the beans!/Ce sont les haricots!
FAIRY Oh yes...of course.
I'm giving you my offer now
I’ll give you beans for your old cow
These beans dear Jack are magic
That’s all I have to say
To refuse them would be tragic
So take them and be on your way!
JACK Daisy’s worth more than some beans ! You won’t get better than this. She’s a
beauty, a prizewinner. She’s the latest model.
FAIRYReally?
JACK Yes, she’s got all sorts of functions, lots of apps and she’s touch sensitive.
FAIRYReally?
JACK Yes, if you touch her here (tickles her stomach) she gets all sensitive. And if you
download the gardening app, she’ll keep your grass short, she’s like a living
lawnmoo-er.
FAIRYHere, take the beans-and off you go home. They’ll help you reach new heights.
JACK: But…
FAIRY: Take them!
(they make the exchange)
JACK Bye, bye Daisy. (JACK exits)
FAIRY Now Daisy I’m going to take you somewhere you’ve never been
before and you’re going to have to be a very brave girl! (Daisy shakes her
head and tries to pull away) Oh come on I’m sure you are a really very
brave cow (Daisy shakes her head and tries to get away) Oh dear I’ll have to
use my magic lasso! (she mimes throwing a Lasso and Daisy comes back as
though being pulled. After much pulling and tugging, FAIRY manages to yank
Daisy offstage)

JACK I’ve exchanged Daisy for a handful of beans! My mum will be so annoyed!

(DAME and SQUIRE SCENE)

SQUIRE: Psst! Psst!

DAME: What’s that noise? Is there a gas leak?

SQUIRE: No, it’s the village Squire.

DAME: Ooh hello Squire – you devilishly handsome man you.

SQUIRE: Have you seen Jill? I’m worried the Giant’s got her.
DAME: Oh, not to worry. She’s probably out with Jack. Put your feet up.
Take the weight off your veruccas.
 (JACK enters)
DAME Oh Jack it’s so nice to have you back! Went the cow well? How
much did you get?
JACK Umm…I got some…beans
DAME Beans! Not money? Oh well suppose at least we can eat
beans, how many sackfulls did you get?
JACK Ummm..I got five!
DAMEFive sackfulls! We can eat for weeks!
JACK No, not five sackfulls ? I got five beans!
DAME Five beans…..Five beans….you got …five beans….five
individual beans! Five beans! Here, give them to me!
JACK Sorry Mum
DAME Five! one, two, three, four, five! He’s not wrong!…five
pathetic beans! Well this is what I think of your five beans!(she throws them
out of the window)
BILLY Now they’ve been and gone!
JACK But the Fairy said they were magic be…..
DAME I don’t want to hear your excuses or any more bad jokes just now
so go to bed. BOTH OF YOU…NOW! Oh what are we going to do- no food-
no cow-no money! We’re all doomed, doomed I tell you! Now get out of my
sight!
Exit JACK (enter Rancid & Rotten)
RAN Hey Mrs Trot
ROT We’ve come for the money
DAMEWhat are you evil pair doing in my house?
ROT Mrs Trot look into my eyes, what do you see?
DAMETwo little images of me! Gosh I’m lovely! So what do you want?
RAN We have come here to collect your rent. ROT
You owe the Giant seven hundredpounds. DAME
Yes, well I’m quite willing to pay.
RAN Good.
DAMEBut I haven’t any money of my own.
ROT Well whose money have you got?
RAN We don’t care whose money it is so long as you pay.
DAMEVery well then. Have you any money with you?
ROT I’ve got a hundred pounds.
RAN And I’ve got ten pounds.
DAMEWell lend me that money for a while.
ROT When do we get it back?
DAME On my honour. If you are not satisfied with the
transaction I’ll return it immediately if not sooner.
RAN That sounds good enough for me.
ROT And me. (They hand over the cash.)
DAME Now will you kindly accept one hundred and ten
pounds on account of my debt to the giant
RAN You can’t pay with that, it’s our money.
DAMEYou said it didn’t matter whose money I paid with.
ROT It doesn’t. So long as it’s not ours.
 DAME In that case as you’re not satisfied with the transaction I will
return your cash as promised.
RAN Quite right too.
DAMEI'll just count it out to make sure it’s all there. Who will accept it?
ROT I will. (He holds his hand out.)
DAME Very well. Now then, one, two, three, how many years have
you been in this job?
ROT Seven.
DAMEEight, nine, ten, have you any family? ROT No
but my parents had twenty children. DAME How
many?
ROT Twenty.
DAMETwenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three. How old are you?
ROT Thirty-one.
DAMEThirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four.
ROT My father’s ninety.
DAMENinety-one, ninety-two, ninety-three.
RAN That’s nothing, my grandmother lived until she was a hundred and five.
DAME One hundred and six, one hundred and seven, eight, nine, ten.
There you are, That’s all your money back and there’s no harm done.
ROT Thank you very much. You’re a proper lady.
RAT & ROT It’s nice doing business with you. Goodbye.
DAME Goodbye gentlemen. (She turns away and counts the money while
R&R start to exit the other way. They stop – realise they’ve been had)
RAN Hang about! Grab her Rot! (goes and grabs the money back)
ROT If we can’t take your money - we’ll take you!
RAN For the Giant (laughs and cackles as they drag DAME away)
DAMEHelp! Help! Get your smelly hands off me you. Help!!!

(exit Rancid with DAME)

GIANT: (Offstage mic) Rotten!

ROTTEN: (He cowers in terror at the sound of the giant’s voice) Oh
master, I was just talking about you – how lovely to hear from you, bellowing
like that, from all the way up there.

GIANT: Silence! You worthless snake!

ROTTEN: What do you command oh mighty Blunderbore? Mover of

mountains, stamper out of forest fires, farter of hurricane proportions.

GIANT: Where’s my dinner?

ROTTEN: Sorry your hugeness, it’s not easy – there’s only a handful of
kiddies left and they keep hiding from me. And now the Squire has promised
his daughter’s hand in marriage to any man who will do you in.

GIANT: What!?
ROTTEN: It’s all very stressfull.

GIANT: I shall teach that Squire a lesson. Fetch me his daughter at once –
I shall eat her for main course.

ROTTEN: And what about the children?

GIANT: Them too, I shall want an apperitif.
ROTTEN: What’s wrong with the teeth you’ve got?
GIANT: Get on with it!
(JILL enters singing to herself)

ROTTEN: What a lovely voice you have young lady.

JILL:Do I know you?
ROTTEN: I don’t think so
JILL:You look like Rotten, one of the Giant’s henchman!
ROTTEN: I get mistaken for him a lot, but I’m really just a simple woodsman, looking to
put my axe to good use (JILL turns away from him, and he raises the axe,
dropping it as she turns back)
JILL:I see. Perhaps you can help me then. I’m looking for four small children that are
lost. Have you seen them?
ROTTEN Of course. I came across them wandering in the forest. They are now safely
back at the cottage, eating donuts and watching Spongbob, Squarepants. (to
audience) All together now, ‘Who lives in a pineapple under the sea’ -
Spongebob, Squarepants’. Oh, I love that!
JILL:What just happened?
ROTTEN: Where were we? Oh yes, they are my prisoners. I mean, my guests.
JILL: But they can’t be watching Spongebob.
ROTTEN: Why not?
JILL:Television hasn’t been imvented yet
ROTTEN: A minor detail. Come with me my dear and you can take them back to their
families.
JILL:Oh, I don’t know. What do you think boys and girls? Should I go with this
strange looking man? (they shout no) I think not!
GIANT (offstage mic) Rotten! I can see your pathetic attemps to capture this girl from
up here. Just grab her!
(Rotten grabs JILL)
JILL Help!
GIANT Hahaha! Bring her to me! She’ll make a fine supper.
(JILL shouts as she is dragged off. FAIRY enters)

FAIRY: Hello boys and girls! Gosh, what a drama! Those horrible
henchmen have managed to grab the kiddies, Dame Trott and Jill! And poor
old Jack had to exchange Daisy for some beans. But don’t worry, I’ve got an
idea how to help Jack reach the clouds and save the day.
 (she goes to where DAME threw the beans)
My spell to make the magic beans grow only works if you all shout the
magic words with me and wave too. Dance away woodland elves and fairies!
Boys and girls wave your glow sticks, or your hands. Ok now, the magic words
are ‘Hocus Pocus, cast a spell, make the beanstalk start to swell. Let’s try it
together, ready? Here we go (she repeats with audience). Louder!
Everybody this time. (repeat one last time) Brilliant boys and girls! Magic beans do your
stuff, up, up and away on high. Be a beanstalk to the sky!

SONG 5 - (TBD) as BeanStalk grows

CHORUS - Village People/Dancers as Fairies, Butterflies etc)

(enter SQUIRE, JACK, BILLY and Villagers in front)

SQUIRE Oh Trotts, Trotts! You’re my last hope. Please tell me Jill is here
JACK Jill is here
SQUIRE Oh thank goodness for that
JACK For what?
SQUIRE That Jill is here
BILLY Jill isn’t here
SQUIRE But he just said she was
JACK You told me to
SQUIRE This is terrible. She’s missing.
JACK Missing?
SQUIRE I said I’d give her hand in marriage if someome would rid us of the giant and
I’m afraid he’s done something terrible in revenge
GIANT (offstage voice) Ha ha ha! Ca sent la chair fraiche! You have no chance against
me, mighty Blunderbore. My henchmen and I have the village children, Jill and
Dame Trot too. And tonight, they’ll be served to me on a platter with white wine
sauce and onions. It’ll be like a gruesome edition of Masterchef! Ha ha ha!
BILLY What are we going to do? He’s going to eat mum with onions
VILLAGER: And our children!
SQUIRE And my daughter. Somebody do something!
VILLAGER: We need to beat the giant!

VILLAGER: And his evil goblin henchman.

JACK If only there was a way to get to the castle in the sky. (hopefully audience shout
about the beanstalk)

VILLAGER : Oy – what’s that?

(JACK does a huge double take as he realises the beanstalk is behind him).
 JACK: It must have grown from those beans. The fairy said they’d help
me reach new heights, I reckon this leads to the Giant’s castle, (To Audience)
what do you think boys and girls?

SONG 6 - Hit the road Jack

JACK and CHORUS

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
DANCE -
Chorus and Dancers
in Cloudland

SCENE 1 (FOC)
(enter FAIRY)

FAIRYWelcome back boys and girls,! At the end of the last act Sinbad and his
crew……
ELF: It’s Jack!
FAIRY Oh gosh… Now where was I? If you thought Act One was
exciting – wait till you see what we’ve got in store for Act Two! Even as
we speak Jack is climbing the beanstalk to rescue JILL, DAME Trot and
the kiddies.
(enter R & R)

RANCID So he’s climbing the beanstalk and save her is he?

ROTTEN We’ll see about that!
RANCID I hope Giant Blunderbore enjoys eating the Dame. My back’s going to ache for
months after carrying her all that way!
ROTTEN Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! (to Fairy) You again! Don’t you ever
give up? It’s over. The Giant will be feasting on the Squire’s daughter
and the last few village kiddies by tea time. Although I don’t know what
he likes about kiddies, I hate them - they wet the bed and smell of
biscuits.

FAIRY: I wouldn’t count your chickens if I were you.

RANCID: Actually the giant has just one very large chicken so it’s easy to
count, even for me. He’s won this battle you useless fairy, and there’s nothing
you can do about it!

FAIRY: That’s where you’re wrong Rancid. There will be a happy ending,
this whole show is like a fairytale.
ROTTEN: Yes, grim.

FAIRY: It’s not that bad, there were one or two decent jokes in that last bit.

ROTTEN: I don’t have time for this. I have to get cooking, I’m going to mix
the kiddies into the Giant’s prawn cocktail – and that’s just for starters. And
when I’ve finished I’m coming back for this lot (indicating the audience) I’ll
make audience soup, and the backstage lot can be the crew-tons!

FAIRY: You’ll never get away with this.

R&R: Oh yes we will.
FAIRY: Oh no you won’t! x3

FAIRY Don’t worry boys and girls, I’ll try to help Jack where I can, but
up here in cloudland my powers are limited. He’ll have to find a way to
rescue everyone on his own! Ah look here comes Jack now

( they exit)

SCENE 2
A Room in the Giant’s Castle
(DAME, JILL, ROTTEN and RANCID)

DAME Who can help us now? Jack and Billy probably don’t know
where we are.. How can they rescue us?
JILL JACK will rescue us, won’t he boys and girls? (Audience – yes!)
(Hen wakes up)

ROTTEN: Now look what you’ve done you horrible lot – you’ve woken up
the chicken and spoiled my morning.

HEN: (Sings) Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day,

I’ve got a wonderful feeling…

ROTTEN: Be quiet!!

JILL:If you hate singing so much, why don’t you get rid of it?
RANCID Because my master loves it. He feeds it on gold coins.
DAME: That sounds expensive.

ROTTEN It is but, she pays him back ten times over by laying huge golden
eggs worth much much more.

JILL:So that’s why you’ve been stealing from the villagers?

RANCID: Yes, but also we have to pay every month into the charity fund for
disadvantaged fairytale characters. So you see we need all the villagers’ gold.
 HEN: (Sings) Gold! Always believe in your soul, you’ve got the power
to know, you’re indestructible…

ROTTEN: Shut up! Just shut uppa your face.

HEN: (Sings) When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change, ’cause
you're amazing, just the way you are

GIANT (Voice booming off) What’s all this racket?!! Fetch me my wine, I shall have a
drink before dinner – and hurry you worthless piece of slime!

RANCID: Of course master, since you put it so nicely. (To JILL and DAME)
Don’t even think about trying to escape.

HEN: (Sings) Rescue me, take me in your arms, Rescue me I want your
tender charms..

GIANT: (offstage) Who, or what, is that?

RANCID: It’s the milk maid from the village sire.

DAME: Dame Trott at your service. Currently looking for husband
number seventeen.

JILL:You’ve been married sixteen times?

DAME: Yes, four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.
GIANT: Argh! I think she’s curdled.
DAME: Cheek! I was beautiful once, briefly from the back. Even now,
when I walk past a man they still sigh.

ROTTEN: With relief I should think.

GIANT: Put her in the cooking pot with the girl, and make sure you wash
her feet.

DAME and JILL: No!

GIANT: Well? What are you waiting for? Go and put on the stove!

ROTTEN: Yes sire, of course sire (he bows grovellingly as he exits s.l.)

GIANT: (Yawn) Now, I shall have a sleep before dinner.

(snoring in the distance. JACK, BILLY and SQUIRE enter)

JACK Mother!
JILL Jack!
BILLY Mumsy!
DAMEShhhh the giant just went off to sleep.
JILL How did you all get up here?
BILLY The beanstalk!

SQUIRE: It grew to an enormous size in the middle of the night.

(Hen squawks)
SQUIRE What’s that?

JILL: The Giant’s hen. It lays golden eggs and sings all the songs I believe

HEN: (Sings) Then I saw her face. Now I’m a believer! Not a trace of
doubt in my mind, I’m in love oooh…

JILL:Wow! Look at that!

DAME: What a whopper!

BILLY: With eggs this size, you’d only need six to make a dozen.

JACK: There’s more of them (he gets another two from a basket next
to the table).

BILLY: They must be worth more than all the gold the Giant took from
the villagers!

JACK: We’ll all be rich.

DAME: We’ve got to get out of here alive.

BILLY: And let’s take then hen.
JACK: Yes! Let’s take her back to the ground to help pay for all the suffering
Blunderbore and his henchmen have caused over the years. Hurry! Back to the
beanstalk!

( JACK, DAME, JILL and BILLY all exit. ROTTEN enters s.l. as the giant awakens)

GIANT: Rotten!

ROTTEN: Yes oh master? What’s happened?!

GIANT: Where are my golden eggs?

ROTTEN: I don’t know, I only laid the table!

GIANT: They’ve escaped, and they’ve stolen my golden eggs. After them!
They’ll pay for this with their lives. And trust me, I still have enough of an
appetite for all the children in this room

SCENE 3
In the forest

JACK It’s getting dark- we should get some rest

DAME(out of breath) Ooh, I haven’t done anything so adventurous since Bear
 Grylls took me up the Saint Victoire. You know I only do these shows because I
can’t afford a Keep Cool subscription.

BILLY: The exercise will do you good.

JILL This place is creepy
BILLY I think so too. I suspect there may be a strong possibility of goblins.
JACK I don’t know, goblins don’t really exist do they?
DAME Oh yes they do
JACK Oh no they don’t (continue as necessary)
JILL Well if there are any goblins around I’m sure the boys and girls will
warn us wont you? (gesture to audience )

(GOBLIN ROUTINE - SONG Thriller?)

(DAME is left on her own, enter FAIRY)

DAMEOh I'm all alone! Now what do I do-please, someone

(enter FAIRY)
DAMEOh! A fairy?
FAIRY Yes and I’ve brought someone to cheer you up! (she vanishes)
DAISY (off) Moo!
DAMEOh Daisy, is it really you? Daisy, Daisy give me your answer do?
DAISY (entering) Moo!
DAME (rushes to her) Oh Daisy! (enter JACK, JILL and BILLY)
JA,JI&BI Daisy!
JILL Just a minute can anybody hear anything?
ALL No.
JILL The giant he’s stopped snoring! He’s awake!
(We hear a roar)
GIANT (Off) Where are they? Where has my dinner gone? And My Hen. Oh, there you
are at the bottom of the beanstalk. Well, I’ll climb down myself and fetch you
back up. I’m hungry!
DAME Oh the poor thing perhaps I should talk to him and if that
doesn’t work I can use my marital arts.
BILLY Don’t you mean martial arts?
DAME I know what I mean. I’ve got a brown belt in Karaoke and a black
belt in origami and suduko -and if that fails, I can take out my false teeth and
talk him into submission!
BILLY There’s no time for that mum! The giant is coming down the
beanstalk!
JACK Quick! Everybody climb down as fast as you can! I’ll grab my
axe and start chopping.
(They all climb down the Beanstalk, then cheer Jack on as he cuts it down)

SONG 7 - S Club 7 - Bring it all back

CHORUS
 (Enter FAIRY)

FAIRY: Never fear, FAIRY Moonbeam’s here.

Right boys and girls – time for one more spell. Now then what is it?

VILLAGER: (In desperation) Can’t you remember it?

FAIRY: Ooh, it’ll come to me in a minute.
JACK: (Looking up) We may not have a minute. I can smell the onions
on his breath.

JILL:What spell did you use to grow it?

FAIRY: Hocus pocus cast a spell, make the beanstalk start to swell.
DAME: Ooh I must remember that, wait a minute let me write down.
BILLY: Mum!
DAME: All right well how about, ‘Hocus pocus though its tall, this new
spell will make it fall’?

FAIRY: Great – we’ll try it. Will you help boys and girls? (Audience shout
yes!) And remember to wave those glow sticks – mums and dads too. Here we
go – ready? ‘Hocus pocus though it’s tall, this new spell will make it fall.’
‘Hocus pocus though it’s tall, this new spell will make it fall.’

(Sound effect of creaking timber)

JACK: It’s working! Keep going!

BILLY: Louder!

All: ‘Hocus pocus though it’s tall, this new spell will make it fall.’ ‘Hocus
pocus though it’s tall, this new spell will make it fall.’

(There is an almighty crashing sound of a falling tree, the beanstalk either falls or there is a
blackout, accompanied by crashing sounds, flashing lights, etc. allowing a swift change of
setting to show the beanstalk fallen and the gigantic boots of the dead Giant poking out of the
wings.)

ALL:Hooray!

SQUIRE: We did it!

DAME: What do you mean, ‘we’?

SQUIRE: Don’t be like that, I’ve always had a soft spot for you Dame Trott. What was the
first thing you thought when you saw me?

DAME: Swipe left.

SQUIRE: I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for the village. May I kiss your
hand?
DAME: All right Squire, you’ve smooth-talked me with all those lovely words, I’ll be
yours.
(she bends him over to kiss him)

JACK Jill, will you make me the happiest man alive?

JILL Of course Jack!
(They go to kiss but are interupted by R & R in a flash of green smoke)

ROTTEN: Not so fast, you appalling appetisers. Blunderbore may be dead,

but you’ve still got us to deal with – and if you think he was bad, wait till we
get going.

JACK: That’s exactly what you’re going to do – get going.

RANCID: We’ll see about that Jack Trott. (He draws a sword) En-guard!
(JACK holds up his enormous axe)
JACK: I don’t think so do you?
(R&R drop to their knees and begin wailing)
ROTTEN: Oh mercy, mercy. We didn’t want to do it,

RANCID He made us – he was a nasty evil brute who never liked our
cooking.

JACK: What shall we do with them folks?

DAME: Now Jack’s going off to marry Jill, I’ll need some help at the
dairy - can I have them?

R&R: No! Anything but that!

FAIRY I know what to do with you! Rancid and Rotten, I banish you to
the cloud castle for all eternity and all you’ll be able to do is thunder and roar,
on occasion
R&RNooooooooo!!!!!

(Fairy waves her wand and R&R disappear. All cheer)

FAIRY: Now they’ll be as good as gold.

SQUIRE: Gold! That’s another thing – we have no money. The Giant has
left us penniless. How will we even pay for the weddings?

BILLY: I can help there. (He produces the golden eggs). Solid gold eggs.
SQUIRE: My goodness, where did they come from?
BILLY: From out of a hen’s a…

JACK: Billy!

FAIRY: They are courtesy of Blunderbore.

 JACK: We’re all rich!
ALL:Hooray!

BILLY And we’ve got the magic hen so

FAIRY all the villagers will be wealthy too!

VILLAGERS: Hooray!

FAIRY: Use the golden eggs with care. And now there’s only one
thing left to do
BILLY: Hold a massive wedding celebration for Mumsy and the
Squire and Jack and Jill.
ALL Woohoo!!!
(curtain closes)
FAIRY enters
FOC
FAIRY Our tale of a Giant meets it’s end, the beanstalks gone
but we’ve made some friends.
Jack has Jill, and Squire his Dame
Everybody’s happy, it’s the aim of the game
Just remember when it’s raining and thundering on high
It’s Rancid and Rotten having a good cry
Our panto is now over, we'll see you all next year
Best wishes to everyone so give one great big cheer !

SCENE 4
WALKDOWN
SONG 8 - COLOUR MY WORLD (Pricillia Queen of the Dessert)
WHOLE CAST

SONG 9 - MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS