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Magdalene
poems

MARIE HOWE

W. W. Norton & Company

Independent Publishers Since 1923
New York | London
Adjusting type size may change line breaks. Landscape mode may help to
preserve line breaks.
CONTENTS

Before the Beginning

Magdalene—The Seven Devils
On Men, Their Bodies

How the Story Started

Thorns
The Affliction

The Split
What I Did Wrong
Magdalene on Romance

Magdalene: The Addict

Magdalene and the Interior Life

The Landing

Magdalene: The Woman Taken in Adultery

Magdalene, the Next Day

The Teacher

The Disciples
Magdalene on Gethsemane

Calvary
Magdalene Afterwards

Low Tide, Late August

The Adoption: When the Girl Arrived

The Girl at 3
Magdalene on Surrender

The Anima Alone

The News
Christmas Eve

Listening

Waiting at the River

The Teacher
Conversation: Dualism

Walking Home

Magdalene: Her Dream of Integration

Fourteen

After the Funeral

Adaptation

The Map
The Visit

Two Animals
October

Delivery
Magdalene at the Grave

What the Silence Says

Magdalene at the Theopoetics Conference

One Day
Adjusting type size may change line breaks. Landscape mode may help to
preserve line breaks.
His disciples said, When will you be visible to us?
and when will we see you?
He said, When you undress and are not ashamed.
—The Gospel According to Thomas
Before the Beginning

Was I ever virgin?

Did someone touch me before I could speak?

Who had me before I knew I was an I?

So that I wanted that touch again and again

without knowing who or why or from whence it came?

Magdalene—The Seven Devils
Mary, called Magdalene, from whom seven devils had been cast out —Luke
8:2

The first was that I was very busy.

The second—I was different from you: whatever happened to you

could

not happen to me, not like that.

The third—I worried.

The fourth—envy, disguised as compassion.

The fifth was that I refused to consider the quality of life of the
aphid,

The aphid disgusted me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

The mosquito too—its face. And the ant—its bifurcated body.

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Ok the first was that I was so busy.

The second that I might make the wrong choice,

because I had decided to take that plane that day,

that flight, before noon, so as to arrive early

and, I shouldn’t have wanted that.

The third was that if I walked past the certain place on the street

the house would blow up.

The fourth was that I was made of guts and blood with a thin layer

of skin lightly thrown over the whole thing.

The fifth was that the dead seemed more alive to me than the living.
The sixth—if I touched my right arm I had to touch my left arm, and
if I

touched the left arm a little harder than I’d first touched the right
then I had

to retouch the left and then touch the right again so it would be
even.

The seventh—I knew I was breathing the expelled breath of

everything that

was alive, and I couldn’t stand it.

I wanted a sieve, a mask, a—I hate this word—a cheesecloth—

to breathe through that would trap it—whatever was inside everyone

else that

entered me when I breathed in.

No. That was the first one.

The second was that I was so busy. I had no time. How had this
happened?

How had our lives gotten like this?

The third was that I couldn’t eat food if I really saw it—distinct,
separate

from me in a bowl or on a plate.

Ok. The first was that. I could never get to the end of the list.

The second was that the launsdry was never finally done.

The third was that no one knew me, although they thought they did.

And that if people thought of me as little as I thought of them then

what was love?

The fourth was I didn’t belong to anyone. I wouldn’t allow myself to

belong

to anyone.

The fifth was that I knew none of us could ever know what we didn’t
know.

The sixth was that I projected onto others what I myself was feeling.
The seventh was the way my mother looked when she was dying,

the sound she made—her mouth wrenched to the right and cupped
open

so as to take in as much air . . . the gurgling sound, so loud

we had to speak louder to hear each other over it.

And that I couldn’t stop hearing it—

years later—grocery shopping, crossing the street—

No, not the sound—it was her body’s hunger

finally evident—what our mother had hidden all her life.

For months I dreamt of knucklebones and roots,

the slabs of sidewalk pushed up like crooked teeth by what grew

underneath.

The underneath. That was the first devil. It was always with me.

And that I didn’t think you—if I told you—would understand any of

this—
Looking down at him my tears fell onto his chest

and he looked back at me with such pity

raising his hand to wipe my cheek

before he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me

down to the bed so he could press inside me deeper

On Men, Their Bodies

One penis was very large and thick so when he put it inside me I

really did say, Wow. One penis was uncircumcised, and I loved to

grip the shaft and pull down so the head popped out like a little

man. One penis was curved so I had to move in a different way. One

penis was so friendly I was never afraid of it. One penis was so

slender I was startled. One penis was blunt and short like a little pig.

One penis couldn’t harden until he stuffed it soft inside me. One

penis came as soon as I started to move. I’m so sorry, he said I

have a problem, but I didn’t care. I loved that boy. One penis

pressed against me hard almost every morning, but I got out of bed

as if I hadn’t heard a word it had said. One penis was so dear to me

I kissed it and kissed it even after I knew it had been with someone

else. One penis I never saw, but my hand came to know it from the
outside of his jeans. One penis loved the inside of my mouth so

much it sang, it sputtered. One had a name. One was a mouse. One,

he explained to me, had very very tiny crabs, so we couldn’t have

sex for a while. One was Orthodox and wouldn’t touch blood. One

had a mole, a hard little dot just under the rim. One penis was

extremely patient without making a big deal about it. One penis had

a great sense of humor. One penis had herpes but I didn’t know that

word yet. One was a battering ram. One was a drunk staggering, a

lout, a bully. One slept inside me, comfortably at home.

How the Story Started

I was driven toward desire by desire.

believing that the fulfillment of that desire was an end.

There was no end.

Others might have looked into the future and seen

a shape inside the coming years—

a house, a child, a man who might be a help.

I saw his back bent over what he was working on,

the back of his neck, how he stood in his sneakers,

and wanted to eat him.

How could I see another person, I mean who he was—apart from
me—

apart from that?

Thorns

I pressed them through my hair into my head

pressed them into my waistband and

later into my palms,

a secret intimacy among those thorns and me

a love

(from whom or to whom it mattered less than

that it was) and that

it was

was the evidence of love:

and so a comfort in the small

pain they brought.

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The Affliction

When I walked across a room I saw myself walking

as if I were someone else,

when I picked up a fork, when I pulled off a dress,

as if I were in a movie.

It’s what I thought you saw when you looked at

me.

So when I looked at you, I didn’t see you

I saw the me I thought you saw, as if I were someone else.

I called that outside—watching. Well I didn’t call it anything

when it happened all the time.

But one morning after I stopped the pills—standing in the kitchen

for one second I was inside looking out.

Then I popped back outside. And saw myself looking.

Would it happen again? It did, a few days later.

My friend Wendy was pulling on her winter coat, standing by the

kitchen door

and suddenly I was inside and I saw her.

I looked out from my own eyes

and I saw: her eyes: blue gray transparent

and inside them: Wendy herself!

Then I was outside again,

and Wendy was saying, Bye-bye, see you soon,

as if Nothing Had Happened.

She hadn’t noticed. She hadn’t known that I’d Been There

for Maybe 40 Seconds,

and that then I was Gone.

She hadn’t noticed that I Hadn’t Been There for Months,

years, the entire time she’d known me.

I needn’t have been embarrassed to have been there for those

seconds;

she had not Noticed The Difference.

This happened on and off for weeks,

and then I was looking at my old friend John:

: suddenly I was in: and I saw him,

and he: (and this was almost unbearable)

he saw me see him,

and I saw him see me.

He said something like, You’re going to be ok now,

or, It’s been difficult hasn’t it,

but what he said mattered only a little.

We met—in our mutual gaze—in between

a third place I’d not yet been.

The Split

Then a voice inside my head

began to speak, and it said, You are doing this now,

Now you’re doing that: company I couldn’t speak of.

What would the voice say if I spoke?

My father, swaying in the doorway, said, I’ll break you.

Who would I be if I broke?

No you won’t, I said,

and the voice cleared its throat.

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Pain, pain continual; pain unending;
Hard even to the roughest, but to those
Hungry for beauty.... Not the wisest knows,
Nor most pitiful-hearted, what the wending
Of one hour’s way meant. Grey monotony lending
Weight to the grey skies, grey mud where goes
An army of grey bedrenched scarecrows in rows
Careless at last of cruellest Fate-sending.
Seeing the pitiful eyes of men foredone,
Or horses shot, too tired merely to stir,
Dying in shell-holes both, slain by the mud.
Men broken, shrieking even to hear a gun.—
Till pain grinds down, or lethargy numbs her,
The amazed heart cries angrily out on God.

3. SERVITUDE

If it were not for England, who would bear

This heavy servitude one moment more?
To keep a brothel, sweep and wash the floor
Of filthiest hovels were noble to compare
With this brass-cleaning life. Now here, now there
Harried in foolishness, scanned curiously o’er
By fools made brazen by conceit, and store
Of antique witticisms thin and bare.

Only the love of comrades sweetens all,

Whose laughing spirit will not be outdone.
As night-watching men wait for the sun
To hearten them, so wait I on such boys
As neither brass nor Hell-fire may appal,
Nor guns, nor sergeant-major’s bluster and noise.
 4. HOME-SICKNESS

When we go wandering the wide air’s blue spaces,

Bare, unhappy, exiled souls of men;
How will our thoughts over and over again
Return to Earth’s familiar lovely places,
Where light with shadow ever interlaces—
No blanks of blue, nor ways beyond man’s ken—
Where birds are, and flowers, as violet, and wren,
Blackbird, bluebell, hedge-sparrow, tiny daisies.

O tiny things, but very stuff of soul

To us ... so frail.... Remember what we are;
Set us not on some strange outlandish star,
But one caring for Love. Give us a Home.
There we may wait while the long ages roll
Content, unfrightened by vast Time-to-come.

5. ENGLAND THE MOTHER

 We have done our utmost, England, terrible
And dear taskmistress, darling Mother and stern.
The unnoticed nations praise us, but we turn
Firstly, only to thee—“Have we done well?
Say, are you pleased?”—and watch your eyes that tell
To us all secrets, eyes sea-deep that burn
With love so long denied; with tears discern
The scars and haggard look of all that hell.

Thy love, thy love shall cherish, make us whole,

Whereto the power of Death’s destruction is weak.
Death impotent, by boys bemocked at, who
Will leave unblotted in the soldier-soul
Gold of the daffodil, the sunset streak,
The innocence and joy of England’s blue.

THE END

PRINTED BY
HAZELL, WATSON AND VINEY, LD.,
LONDON AND AYLESBURY.

From Sidgwick & Jackson’s List of Poetry

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Impression. 2s. 6d. net.
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