KENNEDY: I've had multiple alien encounters... starting when I was a six-year-old. This is the truth about America's 'drone invasion'
I first saw a UFO when I was six years old. From the trunk of my parents' station wagon, I peeped a multi-colored disc floating through the night sky.
In fairness, I was bouncing around without a seatbelt (as one did in those days), so the sighting was most likely the symptom of a minor concussion sustained after an impact with a pothole.
My next close encounter came when I was in high school. The first time I smoked weed I had a vivid dream of bubble-fingered visitors standing over me, chanting: 'geeble! geeble!'
It put me off reefer for life but, perhaps oddly, made me a paranormal believer.
So, when mysterious drones appeared in the skies over northern New Jersey earlier this month, I went full X-Files.
I assumed our saurian overlords had finally tired of our Earthly squabbling and sent an interdimensional flotilla to emulsify us all. Humanity was finally being invaded by fishbowl-headed, laser-toting 'ACK ACK!' extraterrestrials.
And if you think that sounds crazy, just listen to some of the other conspiracies wafting around.
Skinnygirl former Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel said the drones were really secret US vacuum-copters trying to sniff out missing nukes, radiation or errant dirty bombs.
And Roseanne Barr, fresh off solving the RFK Jr's dead bear in Central Park ruse, has been banging on about Project Blue Beam (a wacko theory that authoritarians will leverage fake alien sightings to sow mass confusion and take over the world).
Then you have the elected lunatics.
Sassy Congressional rodeo-clown Marjorie Taylor Greene reposted a good old-fashioned chemtrail theory. While New Jersey Congressmen Chris Smith and Jeff Van Drew falsely insisted that an 'Iranian mothership' off the US coast was launching 'elusive maneuvering' vehicles into our airspace.
Yes, it's all insane. But at least these cranks are doing something.
The bureaucrats in charge of America's national security have been about as useful as Kamala Harris when it comes to explaining the sightings.
Entrenched Deep Staters from the White House to the Pentagon, FBI and DHS have met growing public hysteria with a collective shrug.
So, allow me - a true believer - to set the record straight.
The drone swarms are no doubt the work of nerd hobbyists and bored teenagers. Half the sightings are misidentified planes or stars. And if someone in the Biden administration took a minute away from updating their resume to announce that from a podium, they could have saved us all some time and aggravation.
The Garden State is not under attack by aliens or Iranians, chemtrailers or autocrats. But America is under attack from Establishment incompetence.
God willing, we will soon discover evidence of intelligent life… in Washington DC.
Assad's favorite network
Rule #1 at CNN: Always involve yourself in a story. Forget about vetting or pre-investigation of any kind, if something looks salacious and you can insert yourself into it, then it's CNN solid-gold.
The rule applies even if we're talking about a trembling 'prisoner' discovered in a Syrian torture chamber by warzone blonde Clarissa Ward. No matter that this man actually turned out to be one of Assad's torturers, responsible for the death of countless innocents. Details!
I hear Hamas is now wondering if gullible Ward can tour some Israeli prisons. The terror group has a few 'dads' they'd like her to help free.
Egg on her face
In an interview plugging her cougariffic new movie 'Babygirl', Nicole Kidman humbly admitted that her problem is she emotes too much.
Nic described how she and her musician hubby Keith Urban like to visit cancer patients, so he can strum a few bars while she stands there and feels deeply.
'I go into hospitals. Keith and I will work where we go,' she said. 'He'll bring his guitar and we'll just, you know, in the oncology units. And I have to not absorb someone else's emotions.'
She also shared that Keith tells her: 'You're like a raw egg that I have to be the shell for.'
I'll bet she can whip up a mean meringue as creamy as this self-indulgent slop!
Nancy's bad trip
Even though Nancy Pelosi's stock portfolio may continue to skyrocket, the former house speaker, 84, has not been defying gravity.
She took a nasty tumble during a trip to Luxembourg and had to have an emergency hip replacement. No doubt she's praying she'll be up and about in time to kick Biden's old ass out the door in a few weeks.
Looking huge, Hugh
Call him Hugh Jacked-man, because Wolverine has traded in his adamantium claws for pecs of steel.
The 56-year-old flaunted a glowed-up physique this week in an Australian beach romp. Why? He's rumored to have moved on from his 69-year-old ex-wife, Deborra-Lee Furness, for his much-younger The Music Man co-star, Sutton Foster.
He wears his midlife crisis so well.
Call him Hugh Jacked-man, because Wolverine has traded in his adamantium claws for pecs of steel.
Mad Men
Depressing new polling reveals 39 percent of Americans feel the election of Donald Trump has eroded their already fading trust in government. But that's not the win Democrats might think it is.
40 percent said Trump will be more 'effective' in meeting their goals than Biden ever was.
So, basically: Everyone hates everyone, but Trump will help them get theirs, so who cares.
Sun's out!
Sydney Sweeney delighted fans when she took the girls out for a sunning at her waterfront Florida villa last week.
Her healthy curves sent an inspiring message to any pro-anorexia detractors: sip on your Hatorade, Sydney knows she's the ultimate snack.
Sydney Sweeney delighted fans when she took the girls out for a sunning at her waterfront Florida villa last week.
Kamala 2.0
Does crimson-lipped communist AOC have her sights set on something shamefully white, like a house where the president lives?
According to reports, she's been telling whoever will listen she's done with petty progressive posturing and is ready to pivot to the mainstream in hopes of a 2028 run.
Pretending to be a moderate didn't work for 'my values never changed' Kamala. So I reckon Bernie-with-boobies will have an even harder time selling this disingenuous shift.
