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3.65
| 1,284
| Jun 10, 2014
| Jun 10, 2014
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did not like it
| Aren’t ghosts supposed to have some sort of agenda? I really hope mine isn’t to haunt my boyfriend’s bedroom. That is way too clichéd. Aren’t ghosts supposed to have some sort of agenda? I really hope mine isn’t to haunt my boyfriend’s bedroom. That is way too clichéd.Sure, you could compare this to The Lovely Bones, in the same way that you could compare Twilight to Bram Stoker's Dracula. It's pretty much the same thing, really, with a few minor differences. The "few minor differences" being: 1. Red tunas. Ok, fine, the technical term for a misleading clue ia a "red herring" but the clues in this book are so fucking obvious and dumb and loud that I've coined a new term for it. Hence, red tuna 2. This ghost is even more of a vapid idiot than the one in The Lovely Bones 3. This ghost gets into one bloody painful mess of a love triangle between the most wonderfulest boyfriend ever who just doesn't geeeeeeeeeet her, maaaaaan and a pothead stoner with a heart of gold 4. Family? Lol. Family? Screw family, it's all about friends, y'all. She has a sister? A brother? A family. Oh, yeah, yeah, she does. She mentions them sometimes. Mostly the fact that her mom is a huge, raging psychotic bitch 5. The dumbest friends ever, in fact, the most vapid group of high schoolers who ever existed 6. There is not a single truly likeable character in the book. I'm dead fucking serious. Her classmates are morons without sympathy. Her family pretty much ignore one another when, if, they're mentioned at all Really, there's not much introspection. There's no literary value. There is an idiot of a girl who gets to spend time with her boyfriend, while fighting off the feelings for another guy...while she's a ghost. Don't. Just don't. The Summary: I think I’m supposed to do something while I’m here. It doesn’t make any sense that I’d be given a free pass to haunt about and chill with my boyfriend.17-year old Cassidy is dead. How does everyone think she died? “Well, I heard some guys saying she tried to go skinny-dipping in the river and froze, which is downright ignorant to suggest. Then Kristy London started telling everyone she saw Cassidy throw up at dance once because she was bulimic and that’s why she committed suicide.”Cassidy was found dead under a bridge, after a night of inebriation. Everyone seems to think her death was a suicide, even her own family. Even the police, since they seem to think she killed herself after, oh, roughyl 5 seconds of investigations. So realistic. So nobody knows how Cassidy died, since nobody was there. Hell, not even Cassidy knows how she died, because she was drunk as fuck. I was definitely drinking at the party, but was I drunk enough to forget everything that happened?But all hope is not lost! Cassidy may be dead, but she's not yet "moved on." She is still here, on earth, as a ghost. Nobody can see her, until, miraculously, her boyfriend, Ethan could! She's been left here on earth with a purpose! How shall Cassidy spent this one wondrous chance?! I cast away that dangerously hopeful thought and look up at Ethan, deciding to take advantage of what time I have left with him.Will she use that time to discover how she died? Not exactly. I’m momentarily distracted by Ethan’s navy blue boxer-briefs. They’re the only thing he’s wearing.Is she going to spend her remaining time on earth observing her family extensively, seeing that they're her family, who have raised her and loved her for 17 years? Um... He exhales, long and loud. I lean forward, hoping for a whiff of his breath even if it’s sour, morning scented, but there’s nothing. I frown.Is she going to spend that time going back to the scene of her death, seeing if there are any clues to be picked up, any memories she can glean from going back to such a pivotal place? Weeeeell... I’m sure my afterlife mission isn’t to hook up with my boyfriend—especially after what I just remembered about Caleb—but I can’t ignore the allure of his touches.Ok, fine. This is a teenaged girl, after all. It's only fair that she spends a quarter of the book, or half the book thinking about her boyfriend. But what about the remaining half? How will she spend the rest of her time on earth?! Clearly, she has been put here for a purpose. Ghosts don't just wander around after death pointlessly. Surely there is a bigger picture here. Yeah, there is. His name is Caleb, andOH BOY, CASSIDY IS GOING TO INVESTIGATE THE ROLE THAT HE PLAYED IN HER DEATH. I bend down right in front of him, meaning to study his face for some proof of guilt, maybe attempt a ghostly trick to will a writing sample out of his obnoxious orange backpack, but the only thing I can think about is his mouth closed around mine. My eyes wander to his lips.Or, you know, just think about kissing him. Investigation. Kissing. Same thing, if you think about it. Cassi-die now plz: I squared my shoulders and inched up my chin as if I was above his affection. I wasn’t, but I was so mad I wanted him to think I was, to feel bad about it.The word vapid is actually spelled "C-A-S-S-I-D-Y." The definition of her name is Captain Obvious since she has the uncommon knack for stating the fucking obvious. She sets a pad of monogrammed stationery on top of her notes from last week and adds Mica’s name to a short list of classmates, all of whom attended the party.Her grief is of the woe-is-me everything is about me me me. OK, she's dead. I know that. I should be able to empathize with that, but her sadness...the way it is written, so very much self-centered, just makes me laugh. Sadness rolls over me, knowing that I’ll never again be the person she turns to for comfort.She is the equivalent of a mentally-challenged ghost. She knows she can't be heard, yet she insists on talking VERY LOUDLY and ENUNCIATING VERY CLEARLY in the hopes that someone will be able to hear her. “Aimée,” I say very slowly as if overenunciating will allow her to hear me, “look under that binder.”It is the equivalent of talking VERY LOUDLY INTO THE EARS OF A DEAF PERSON. It just makes you look like a motherfucking moron. Her investigation into her death can be best summed up in one hyphenated word: "half-assed". She withholds clues, she ignores clues, she ignores uncomfortable flashbacks, like her memories of flirting and kissing another boy who is not her boyfriend. She lies. She omits information that would help the one person who is able to see her investigate her death. If I tell him I think I was with Caleb he’ll definitely ask why. I’m not ready to go there with him. It’ll ruin the small piece of us we’ve recaptured, and I can’t bear losing that again.Almost all her memories are of emotional conflicts between her love triangle. They are frustrating, they are foolish, they give me no respect for Cassidy whatsoever. The Side Characters: After he leaves, the cafeteria clears out, but conversations still echo off the walls. She was totally drunk … I heard she froze to death … Who kills herself over a breakup? I mean, really?Seriously, there is not one single likeable character in the entire fucking book. Her family are portrayed as idiots. Her father is a doormat. Her mother is a psycho with a midlife crisis who pretty much has no reaction over her daughter's death besides for the fact that it might give her something to do. Cassidy has a tremendous amount of contempt for her mom, and her entire family is portrayed so briefly, so poorly, that there is absolutely no sense of familial love whatsoever. Instead, we are focused on her friends, and man, they are motherfucking idiots. Cassidy may be vapid, but she appears to be a product of her school, because her entire fucking school is filled with brainless teenagers without an ounce of sympathy. Literally nobody gives a fuck about her death but her friend, Aimée. The entire student body doesn't need counseling, they use her death as an opportunity to gossip, to make small-talk, to talk shit about Cassidy now that she's dead. It would have appeared like Cassidy had no friends at all after her death, and it is so strange, considering we don't get a sense of that at all from the flashbacks of her life before death. Truly, the side characters in this book, the entire fucking cast, doesn't seem realistic at all. There is no emotional connection to anyone, anything. The Motherfucking Love Triangle: Aimée rolls her eyes. “I can’t believe he was high at eight-thirty in the morning. I’ll never get what Cassidy saw in him.”DING DING DING. We have a love triangle here. And it's not an obvious type. It's the I-will-keep-you-guessing-until-the-bitter-fucking-end type. Ethan is the nicest boy in the world. He was her first kiss. He was her first love. They have been dating for three years. He took my hand, and I was certain, in that moment, that I would never kiss anyone else for as long as I lived.Until, inexplicably, she falls for Caleb, a stoner who pops pills under the guise of Tic-Tacs. Caleb, who is never NOT stoned. Caleb opens his eyes in a lazy, delayed reaction that tips me off that he’s high. Again.Caleb, who is a bad boy with a Tragic Past who totally deserves our sympathy, right "...you had changed when your parents split up and you started getting high all the time..."Caleb, who gives her a special Brownie laced with marijuana. Such a fucking gentleman. How could a girl ever resist? “Speaking of, I made you a little somethin’ somethin’.” He reached into his bright orange backpack and pulled out a brownie wrapped in pink cellophane and about ten different colors of ribbon.And she cheated on Ethan with THIS loser? No, thank you. Sure, Ethan is so fucking effeminate that he barely even counts as a boyfriend, but he's still a far better catch than Caleb. And we're left wondering until the very end who she will choose. I do not tolerate cheating. There are books in which cheating is really, really well done, in which I feel a tremendous amount of sympathy for the cheaters. This is not one of those books. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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Jul 03, 2014
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Jul 04, 2014
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Jul 03, 2014
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Hardcover
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0316231053
| 9780316231053
| 0316231053
| 3.10
| 25,855
| Jun 17, 2014
| Jun 17, 2014
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it was ok
| "The first time, you can’t believe how much it hurts.” "The first time, you can’t believe how much it hurts.”This is from the prologue, and no, these girls are not talking about losing the big V. This is an extremely hard book for me to rate. On the one hand, I enjoyed the writing. On the other hand, there was nothing remotely scary about it, and overall, I felt like I was led on a merry trail filled with red herrings that looked like Jenny McCarthy screaming that vaccines are evil. It was filled with teenaged pettiness, and it wasn't scary in the least. It did creep me out, but not in the "Omg this is scary!" kind of way, more like the "Oh, dude, the dad is so totally gross in a sorta Kevin-Spacey-in-American-Beauty-kind of way, like did he seriously say THAT about his little girl's best friend? Eww!" kind of way. Wow, that was a long sentence. Almost nothing happens in this book. Don't expect creepiness. From the cover, I totally thought this was going to be similar to the Japanese horror sort of books where a long-haired, scary as fuck girl crawls slowly up the foot of your bed as she slowly grins at you through blood-filled eyes. But no. Nope. Nothing like that at all. Not for a single moment did I remotely approach the feeling of fear. So here's the good: 1. The writing is quite good, bravo, Ms. Abbott 2. Family dynamics is great, even if the brother and the dad totally squicked me out sometimes Seriously, nothing happens in this book. The Summary: There are three narrators in this book, father Tom Nash, a science teacher at the local high school, and his children, Eli and younger Deenie (Denise), both in high school. It is a quiet town, it is a dead town, and it is a quiet, unevent high school life until a girl starts foaming at the mouth. Her desk overturned, clattering to the floor.That was Lise, Deenie's best friend, and everyone in school has their theories. Some dumber than others, from a grand mal seizure, here referred to as grand male by the brilliant young ladies at the school. “She had a grand male in Algebra Two,” Brooke announced, eyes popping.To pregnancy. “Is she pregnant?” whispered Kim, her tongue thrust between her wired teeth.To a sexual parasite. “He had a big house on the lake and he gave her all this great red-string Thai stick. He leaves for the Philippines, she wakes up with trich. That’s a sexual parasite. It crawls inside you.” She reached down for her bag, tangled with fringe. “So.”To Toxic Shock Syndrome... Have u heard of toxik shok? tampax can kill uThen another girl falls sick, and the town runs rampant with theories. The end. Yeah, that is literally it. The Characters: The one thing that stands out about the main characters in this book is the level of creepy sexuality within the family. I don't mean in an incestuous way, but I thought it was pointlessly sexual at many points. We have a creepy, sad dad. Tom Nash. A middle-aged schoolteacher whose wife has left him for a more exciting life and a married lover. A man who has seriously creepy observations about his teenaged daughter's friends. Lise, Deenie's best friend, whom he has watched grown up. He’d known Lise Daniels since she was ten years old and first started coming to the house, hovering around Deenie, following her from room to room. Sometimes he swore he could hear her panting like a puppy. That was back when she was a chubby little elfin girl, before that robin’s-breast belly of hers disappeared, and, seemingly overnight, she became overwhelmingly pretty, with big fawn eyes, her mouth forever open.And recalling how Lise looks in a swimsuit. Tom felt his face warm. Last summer he’d seen Lise in a two-piece. From across the town pool, from behind, he’d mistaken her for one of Deenie’s swim instructors. Carla, the graduate student in kinesiology who always teased him about needing a haircut.It's not out of place. I mean, I know perfectly well that middle-aged men (and let's be honest, most men in general) have sexual thoughts about pubescent women, but I just found it very creepy and odd reading about it in a book where it felt out of place. His son Eli, is somewhat a school stud. All the girls line up for him, he gets constant texts to hook up, and he is oddly conscious about his sister's sexuality. I don't get the sense that it is incestuous, and again, I understand that this sort of dynamic will probably exist between siblings of similar age, but not having a male sibling, I can only imagine. It's still pretty weird. There’d be those moments he was forced to think about her not just as Deenie but as the girl whose slender tank tops hung over the shower curtain. Like bright streamers, like the flair the cheerleaders threw at games.And when he's having sex in the room next to his sister, he's conscious of her, in the next room. Since then, he could only ever think about his sister, one wall away. And how he hoped Deenie never did things like this. With guys like him.So why not just avoid the situation, man. And he sees sexuality in his sister's eyes, the way another boy would see her. But she didn’t realize what they saw, looking back at her: a girl, lips slightly parted, her head tilted hungrily. What they saw was I’m ready. Let’s go.Again, I don't have a sibling, but I can't say I've ever looked at my sister in any kind of way and imagine a guy interpreting sexuality through her facial expression. It's far too much. And geez, Eli's stud status is so overemphasized in this book. He gets a ton of texts from girls wanting to hook up and sending him PIXXXX. Eli Nash looked at the text for a long time, and at the photo that had come with it. A girl’s bare midriff.His dad notices that he ignores the flocks of girls coming after him, and makes a note in his mind that it makes his son even more popular. He has to fend off the number of girls who just want to spread their legs for him. Did she want him to text her back, invite her over? To sneak her into his bedroom and nudge her shaky, pliant legs apart until he was through?Hell, even his sister Deenie falls victim to Eli's promiscuous ways. It's pretty gross, she receives lewd text messages meant for him. One of the texts had said—Deenie never forgot it—my pussy aches for u. It had to have been the worst thing she’d ever read. She’d read it over and over before deleting it.She also overhears him having sex in the next room. Ugh. Once, a few weeks ago, she’d heard a girl’s voice in there and wondered if it was porn on the computer until she could tell it wasn’t. She heard the voice say Eli’s name. E-liiii.I understand that sex is a normal thing, but in this book, it just felt squicky and out of place. There was really not much point for it in the narrative, other than a break from the constant monotony. I just really don't have a lot to say about this book. It was tremendously dull. All the characters were pretty dumb. The teenagers are nitwits. The mystery was a letdown. There's a tremendous amount of misogyny, too, because both the Tom and his son Eli don't seem to have a good opinion about any females in the book besides their daughter and sister. He could tell she was the kind of woman who told men what they wanted to hear. That didn’t strike him as a bad thing, even though he knew it should....more |
Notes are private!
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1
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Jun 22, 2014
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Jun 23, 2014
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Jun 22, 2014
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Hardcover
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0062231952
| 9780062231956
| 0062231952
| 3.02
| 670
| Jun 03, 2014
| Jun 03, 2014
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did not like it
| A line pops into my head, one I repeated dozens of times to get the right balance of hope and desperation that the Zombie Killer is known for. All A line pops into my head, one I repeated dozens of times to get the right balance of hope and desperation that the Zombie Killer is known for. All that stands between me and the end of the world...is a bobby pin.I have two, motherfuckers. [image] Vaya con dios, mi amigo.No, that's not a quote from the book. It's my advice to you, it means "go with god, my friend," and you're going to need that advice should you insist upon reading this book. It's one of those so-bad-it's-almost-good books. It's insta-love, and that's pretty much it. We have omg HE'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE and YOU ARE A FUCKING MORONIC PRINCESS and then 5 seconds later I LOVE HIM. What the fuck. Ok, so here's kind of a spoiler, but not really. The book is entitled Vivian Divine is Dead. I know that this is huge news. Shocking. Absolutely flabbergasting, jaw-dropping, and all of that good shit but Vivian Divine doesn't die. I wish she had. The book might have been more interesting otherwise. The Summary: I try not to think about the day Pierre and I first fell in love. It was a year ago, when we were wrapping up Zombie Killer, my blockbuster about an orphan who saves the human race.Sure, Vivian Divine may be a famous Hollywood movie star, Oscar-nominated by age 16, with a famous director father and the 3rd most beautiful (and very dead) mother (as chosen by Time magazine), but as far as she's concerned, everything in her life has been about the movie Zombie Killer, in which she has acted. Remember that movie. But no really, her life kind of sucks right now because: 1. Mommy is dead, from MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES 2. Daddy tried to kill himself from ZE PAIN 3. Her boyfriend, Pierre, just cheated on her with her much skinner best friend, Sparrow (not much of a best friend anymore!). Her heart is totally, irretrievably broken. Pierre was the only one who could make me feel better, and the only boy who ever whispered, This is forever.Oh yeah, and um. 4. Someone's sending her death threats. Hence the title of the book. Vivian Divine really, really thinks she's going to die. And apparently, shit, it's true! People are trying to kill her! What's the poor Vivian Divine to do? She's never attended school, she's never done a single fucking thing for herself. I hate asking for help. Luckily, I never have to. A team of specialists is paid to take care of my every need, to anticipate what I might want and have it prepared ahead of time. If they don’t have the right brand of mango lip balm ready for me after a shoot, they’re done.So Vivian Divine is totally fucked when her only way of escaping CERTAIN DOOM is to escape to Mexico! Ay, caramba! (I know there's supposed to be another exclamation mark before the Ay, but I'm too tired to look it up in Character Map, ok?) So with a mysterious, awesome new disguise---you know how when you go incognito, you're supposed to look plain and all that good shit so that you don't attract attention? I’m normally cute: big blue eyes, pouty lips, long copper curls. But this is gorgeous. My short black hair falls straight and glossy as a waterfall; my eyes are melting chocolate.Someone forgot to tell Vivian Divine. But it's ok, because the instant she meets trouble...Vivian Divine falls into insta-love. Standing in front of me is the sexiest guy I’ve ever seen. His eyes are a rugged green, his black hair shaggy on his shoulders. His cargo pants hang off his slim hips, and a white undershirt clings to his chest. My personal trainer would kill for his body.Nick is instantly contemptuous of her. This spoiled little princess who is clearly out of her league in the wilds of México. Such a fool. What could this toughened, experienced, battle-weary boy ever see in Hollywood Royalty Vivian Divine? “You’re a spoiled brat. You have no problems,” Nick says. “You think your life’s so tough, but your rich mommy and daddy take care of everything for you.” He snatches my orange soda from my hand, takes the last sip, and tosses it into the trash. “You don’t know what real pain is.”Uh huh! YOU TELL HER, NICK! Don't let that prissy little princess worm her way into her heart. And true to his words, Nick holds steady for all of 5 seconds. “When I met you on the bus, I thought you were just another rich American,” he continues. “But you’re not. You’re...different.”OH, NO, NOT THE D WORD!!!!!!!! But the romance aside, THERE'S STILL PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL VIVIAN DIVINE. Even in Mexico! But it's all good, Vivian Divine was in Zombie Killer, remember? Her experience from Zombie Killer not only helps her endure wearing contacts when she's donning her disguise... [She] finds me a pair of brown contacts, which I’m used to wearing, thanks to my months of demon-red contacts in Zombie Killer.And helps her tolerate hunger during her days on the run in Mexico. I’ve never been this hungry before (except for all-night shoots for Zombie Killer.But it helps Vivian to prove herself to Nick when he's being an asshat to her. Anger races through me, and I remember the judo move I learned for the all-night shoot of Zombie Killer. I’ll show you petty problems.And it helps her to protect herself against the BAD BAD GUYS. Vivian is trapped in a moving car? It's all good. She can jump out of the car if she needs to, thanks to her experience with Zombie Killer. I’ve done it before. I jumped out of a moving car for a stunt in Zombie Killer.If someone tries to attack her, it's all good, because she's learned judo on the set of Zombie Killer. What if someone jumps out and attacks me? What do I do? I try to recall the judo moves I learned for Zombie Killer.If she needs encouragement...Vivian can just remember her mother's words of advice...for acting in Zombie Killer. I remember my mom telling me the day before she disappeared, when I was filming the fight scene for Zombie Killer. In that scene, when the zombies had me almost beaten, the Zombie Killer realized that sometimes not fighting is as powerful as fighting.MEXICO JA JA JA: The Mexico portrayed in this book can best be described in one word: stupid. People can eat rodents if they need to. There are fucking mariachi bands everywhere. They eat tacos every meal of the day. They eat cricket tacos. They speak in complete English sentences...but certain words have to constantly be in Spanish. A guy can speak for an entire paragraph in fluent English, but when he refers to his mother, it's always mi madre . Come on, now. Divinely Insipid: Hiding from a killer with an armed stranger in Mexico? Am I crazy?Yes, yes you are. Vivian Divine is Hollywood Royalty, which is the synonym for I have no common sense whatsoever outside of what I learned in movies. She has spent her entire life as an actor. She has never been to school. Her parents are famous and wealthy. She has always been waited on hand and foot. She doesn't know what it's like to be in the real world, so when she gets immersed into it, into the wilds of Mexico, of all things, she drowns. It takes a big, strong man to protect her, because Vivian Divine can't do jack shit. All her experience is gleaned from movies. She sees a fucking house. It looks like a house in [insert movie here] that she's been in. It happens repeatedly. To Vivian, Mexico looks like a movie set. I’ve seen this church before, I realize, on the studio’s back lot. It’s the “Traditional Mafia Church” set.To Vivian, everything that happens is the equivalent of a movie scene. It feels like my story’s ending. It’s a story with a tragic ending, one where the heroine starves to death on the side of a mountain, all alone, with only a lamb to keep her company.And I must be frank, there's no other way to put it. Vivian Divine, by rights, should have died because she is a fucking moron who wouldn't last 1.5 seconds in downtown LA, much less Mexico. The Romance: For someone who falls into insta-love so quickly, Vivian Divine can't forget about her ex-boyfriend, Pierre. His eyes seem to breathe me in, all of me, not just little useful pieces like Pierre’s used to do. But maybe I’m just imagining it. I expect Nick to look confused, like Pierre did when I told him, but he’s nodding like he understands. If Pierre was here, he’d pretend he knew how to do it, burn himself, and then make me start the fire. It’s the complete opposite of Pierre’s bathroom, which is stuffed with expensive colognes and hair gel, but then again, Pierre has more beauty products than I do. I know all about sleeping pills. Pierre takes them to get a few hours of sleep before his shoots so that he won’t have bags under his eyes. All this happens throughout the book. She is constantly thinking about Pierre and comparing/contrasting them. Enough already. And then not a few days passes before Vivian Divine realizes... I see your soul, I want to say, but I bite my tongue, and hope he sees mine.The insta-love is terrible. Nick hated her in the beginning, and then for no reason at all, they start to fall in love right after she tells him the equivalent of I'M NOT AS SHALLOW AS YOU THINK I AM, without any proof, without any character development whatsoever. And before you know it, this happens. “Nobody knows,” Nick says. “But when the locals look at them, they see angels.”God won't help you. Watch a telenovela instead. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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Jun 21, 2014
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Jun 21, 2014
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Hardcover
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0312569033
| 9780312569037
| 0312569033
| 3.90
| 24,313
| Jun 05, 2012
| Jun 05, 2012
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did not like it
| It was possible that Sahalia hadn’t realized she was pretty much sticking her butt in our faces. And maybe she hadn’t known just how sheer that shi It was possible that Sahalia hadn’t realized she was pretty much sticking her butt in our faces. And maybe she hadn’t known just how sheer that shirt would get.Just by the weakness of the storyline and the nonexistent/unexplained setting alone and the extremely feminine and unconvincingly male narrator, this book is pretty fucking bad and best described as a "clusterfuck." When you add in slut shaming of a 13-year old girl, who almost gets raped because her would-be-rapist thought she was asking for it, that's when I fucking see red. But it's ok when the entire group, which has been slut-shaming her for her provocative dress for the entire fucking book suddenly tell her "it's not your fault you were almost raped." No, that's not forgivable. It doesn't justify drawing the poor girl as a character to be reviled for the entire fucking book. Fuck that shit. There is so much female hate in this book. It is a survival scenario in which the competent females in the book are portrayed as maternal nurturers instead of people who can actually hold their own. Josie was a natural.The girls are meek. They do what they're told. It doesn't fucking matter if they're competent. A girl is going to be a babysitter while the boys take care of business. “Alex, help Jake. Figure it out. Astrid, keep the little kids out of the way.”The girliest boy in the group, naturally, is relegated to the role of cook, no matter how atrocious he is at it. The leadership roles are taken over by those who happen to have an Y in their chromosome, no matter if they're jealous, drunk, high, or future rapists. And then there's the slut shaming of the 13-year old girl, Sahalia. Sahalia is a 13-going on 30-year old, who dresses like a "hooker." She had on a giant pair of men’s overalls, cut off at the knee. Under them she was wearing very little. A lace bra and matching lace panties. You could see the bra through them because the sides of overalls are totally open. You could also see the lace cutting over her hip. You could almost see where it connected with the thong part in the back.It doesn't matter if the entire world is collapsing. Sahalia was wearing what I can best describe as a costume. A sexy carpenter costume. Maybe a sexy farmer.Sahalia will always manage to find the skimpiest possible outfit to wear. Now her behind is facing us, and they are short shorts she is wearing. So we can see … too much. We can see skin under the leg of her shorts. The creamy skin of her inner, inner thigh.Sahalia has an attitude. She doesn't like authority until a guy yells at her and tells her what to do. “I can carry a stupid sledgehammer,” she sassed.Other girls slut shame her because to them, Sahalia is a little slut who dresses the way she does so she can attract male attention. “Enough!” Josie said. “We get it, okay? You’re sexy and you want to have sex with these guys. We get it. But, honey, it’s not going to happen because you are thirteen. Thir. Teen. Do you understand what I’m saying?”So it's just the final fucking straw that Sahalia almost gets raped, and her would-be rapist tries to blame her for it. “She’s crazy, that girl,” Robbie said. “She kept talking about how none of you think she’s a grown-up but how she is, and she wanted to prove it to you, and honestly, I was trying to get her to put back her nightgown on when that other crazy girl came with the gun.”In the end, Sahalia's group believes her and supports her, but that support feels entirely forced when the entire fucking book, they've been criticizing her behavior, her dress, her desperation, and her rampant flirtation. Fuck that shit. Now for the actual plot. It's fucking horrible. This book is a YA novel with characters straight out of a Middle Grade book, and that's actually an insult to Middle Grade books because of how fucking poorly-drawn, clichéd, and one-dimensional the characters are. The Premise: Let's take all the fucking apocalyptic scenarios in the entire fucking world and throw them together. Hail the size of a bucket? Yep! Hail in all different sizes from little to that-can’t-be-hail was pelting the street.An earthquake? Sure! A foreshock, even! And here’s the hilarious part—it was a FORESHOCK. Apparently, that’s what happens when you’re about to experience an 8.2. It’s an earthquake so big it sends messengers ahead.A volcano?! Yeah! A superfuckingvolcano that would make Mt. Krakatoa tremble (no pun intended). The western face of the entire island had exploded with the eruption of the volcano. Five hundred billion tons of rock and lava had avalanched into the ocean.Five hundred billion tons! How the fuck did they measure that, I wonder? A tsunami? You got it! The explosion had created a “megatsunami.”A chemical mushroom cloud? Sure, why not! We have breaking news. There are reports coming in of a leak. A chemical leak. Chemical warfare compounds.And while we're at it, let's just throw in some pseudo-science paranormal shit, too. “The compounds attack based on blood type. People with blood type A will develop severe blisters on all exposed skin. After prolonged exposure, the internal organs will begin to hemorrhage, leading to organ failure and death.”What the fuck is this? That's just...not plausible at all. Blood types have played a minor role in disease, but it's mostly concerning diseases like malaria and dengue fever...it's not that far in the future. Concerning all the clusterfuck of disasters that have been thrown at us, this seems to be too much of a stretch. The entire premise is pretty unbelievable, too. It's 2024. Some years in the future. I know we can't prevent volcanic explosions, or earthquakes, but wouldn't we have an inclination if such a massively disastrous event would be happening? In this book, it all happened out of the blue, and everyone is shocked. The background is completely unexplained, and for some reason the government runs the internet airwaves. We have enough trouble getting people to use Microsoft and Apple Cloud technologies, and enough trouble getting all the internet providers to participate. The idea of a state-run internet is completely absurd, so close to the present. Super Wal-Mart: The kids are trapped in the book's equivalent of a Super Wal-Mart, which is a store in which you can buy baby diapers, drugs, clothing, guns, and tractor parts all in one store. It's massive. It's the size of a football stadium, and really, a bunch of kids can live there in years if electricity holds up. And that's the problem, the power seems to work. The store has everything, and the kids are just a bunch of stupid brats running around inside a store, arguing with each other, getting drunk, and holding largely pointless elections. “Guys, I am the QB,” he said. “That means quarterback! The quarterback is the guy on the team who calls the shots and makes sure everyone plays their best. And I’m gonna be a great QB for this team. Us. That’s why you should elect me the leader!”Lord of the Flies, this ain't. It's such a juvenile story, slapdashed together, without a sense of urgency and danger, despite the millions and billions of death happening outside. There is hardly any mourning for the dead, hardly any thoughts to parents and siblings and dead loved ones, or maybe living loved ones who may be suffering. The narrator is only focused on the present, and the present involves romance and sex, the apocalypse is just a convenient event to get close to a crush. The Characters: Oh, the fucking tropes. The main character is a guy, Dean, but nicknamed "Geraldine" by his bullies. I can see why they did, Dean is one of the most unconvinging male narrators I've ever read, I mean what kind of teenaged boy worries about a CNN reporter's makeup when she's reporting about a volcano destroying the world? Her eye makeup was all smeared around her eyes and I wondered why nobody fixed her makeup. It was CNN, for God’s sake.There's the jock, Jake. The All-American girl and object of desire, Astrid, bad-boy jock Brayden, boy-scout and survivalist, Niko. They hunted for their own food and had no electricity and used wild mushrooms for toilet paper. That kind of thing. People called Niko “Brave Hunter ManThe whore, Saharia, the Sainted-Mary Josie, the dull as hell "good guy" main character, Dean, his all-book-smarts and no common sense little brother, Alex, and a bunch of the most unbelievable, annoying little grade school fuckers that I've ever met. I've never been a fan of children in survival scenarios, and this book is no exception. There's the 7-year old evangelist, Batista, who never, ever stops preaching the word of God. I had already overheard him reprimand Brayden for cursing (“Taking the Lord’s name in vain is a sin!”), tattle on Chloe for pushing Ulysses (“Shoving is a sin!”), and inform the other little kids that not saying grace before eating was a sin (“Before we eat, God wants us sinners to give thanks!”).5-year old Chloe, who never fucking stops whining. “Turn it to Tabi-Teens,” Chloe whined. “This is bo-ring!”And 5-year old Max, that fucking Max can recite passages from any fucking conversation he's overheard. “My mom once took me in the ladies’ room,” Max volunteered. “And there was this lady in there crying and she had a ice cube and she was rubbing it on her eye and she said, ‘If Harry hits me one more time, I don’t know what I’ll do,’ and then this other lady came out of a stall and she said, ‘If Harry hits you one more time, you give him the end of this to suck on!’ And she puts a real, actual gun down on the sink. Made of metal, I am not even kidding. And then my momma turns to me and goes, ‘Tell your daddy to bring you to the men’s room.’”The Romance: “Oh man, getting laid is so awesome,” Jake said, scratching his head. “It’s just absolutely the best thing ever. Once you get it, all you can think of is getting it again. Sometimes I’m having sex and I’m worried about the next time I’m gonna have sex!”This book reads like a Middle Grade novel, which is why it's so fucking weird when all the sexual content start popping up. There's the episode when Sahalia almost got raped. There's the incident where Astrid takes her top off for a boy. There's all the sexual discussions that would be laughable if it weren't so out of place. And then there's Dean's FEEEEEEEEEELINGS for Astrid. The perfect Astrid. His observations about her are so obsessive and feminine it's like nothing but Astrid exists. Apocalypse? Whatever. Astrid. Kids are freaking out because they were just involved in a bus accident? Astrid's hair! Astrid looked beautiful talking to them, hearing about their favorite kinds of pizza, with the wind picking up the tendrils of her hair and bringing a flush to her cheeks.He dreams about Astrid in his darkest moments. What I wanted was Astrid. She looked so good to me I wanted to take her, in a dark and terrible way.He stalked her and watches her while she undressed. Astrid’s body was so beautiful my throat closed up.She's hurt? Doesn't matter! Still beautiful! And there she was. So beautiful, laid out on my knees. She had her eyes closed, and for a moment, I just looked at her. Dirty face. Lips drawn together, chapped and rosy. Eyes red rimmed. The rise of her cheekbones. Eyebrows and lashes golden honey–colored. Some brown, dried freckle-dots that could be blood on her jawline.*gag* You expect me to LIKE a main character who stalks his crush, who watches her undressing without her knowledge, who gives little thought to anyone BUT the beauteous Astrid as the world explodes in flames? Fuck this book. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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May 29, 2014
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May 29, 2014
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Hardcover
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0385740166
| 9780385740166
| 0385740166
| 3.53
| 11,215
| Aug 09, 2011
| Sep 13, 2011
|
did not like it
| I’ll have to decide: join Romeo or let the specter of my soul take me. I know I should be afraid for my future, but all I can think about is Ben.T I’ll have to decide: join Romeo or let the specter of my soul take me. I know I should be afraid for my future, but all I can think about is Ben.This book mocks the original Juliet's weakness, only to have the newly improved Juliet just as fucking dumb as the original. [image] So the original Shakespeare version, Juliet met Romeo, fell in love, and died for love within three days. In this retelling of Juliet's story, before this book starts, Juliet still ran away with Romeo, and then said Romeo stabbed her and ate her like a zombie. Flesh and blood dripping from his mouth and everything. It was pretty neat. Flash forward 700 years in which Juliet is older, wiser, more wary of the perils of insta-love? Fucking nope! One would think a reimagined, powerful, supernatural Juliet would have learned a fucking lesson or two: nope! This book was terrible. Here is why: - A stupid, stupid main character who makes the same mistake as the original Juliet, made worse by the fact that she was KILLED the first time. She's ruled by her passions, there is no reason in her behavior. - Insta-love, a love triangle between the new, improved zombie Romeo and new boy Ben Luna. Ben. Ben. GEE, I WONDER WHO BEN COULD BE?! It's not like he has a character with a similar name in Romeo and Juliet or anything!!!11 - Terrible side characters: basically, the stars of the book are Juliet and Ben. Nobody else need apply. - Poor setting: The whole we're gonna give you renewed life so you can play Cupid? No. - Poor female characters: Her best friend, her "mother," both uncaring, cruel, callous bitches, depicted as inferior to Juliet (insta-love Juliet) in every way. - The premise: weak as Ben and Juliet's insta-love. The idea of a love ambassador is pretty bloody and neat until you take into consideration the fact that it doesn't make any sense at all, and I'm not talking about the suspension of disbelief and the supernatural element. I'm talking about the fact that the reasoning behind the soul mate thing makes no fucking sense. The Summary: He turns and our eyes meet, and that sense of knowing him hits, catching me in my empty gut. For a moment, the sadness and pain in his eyes is my pain, and I desperately want to make it better. I want to reach for him, hold him, whisper into the warm crook of his neck that everything is going to be okay, that I’ll make it that way.(Psst, that's the first time they meet) Day 0.5 (because it takes place when the day's practically over): Juliet is awake! Well, kind of. This ain't Shakespeare's Juliet...well, she's the inspiration for it, but the Shakespearean version was a falsehood, told to the dude by the sneaky, conniving son of a bitch that's Romeo. The real Juliet died at age 14, in 1304 Verona. Killed by the man she loved. And now Romeo is kind of a zombie. He reincarnates from one life to another, living constantly on earth as an immortal Mercenary, whereas Juliet only gets to come back to earth once in awhile, as an Ambassador. Think of her as Cupid, she makes sure that a pair of true lovers end up together, or else they will fall prey to the forces of darkness and one of them will die a horrible death like she did. At the hands of Romeo. Did I say that Romeo is a zombie? He's a total zombie. ...flesh in his teeth, blood dripping down his chin.So now Juliet has been given an assignment, she's given the body of Ariel Dragland, a stunningly beautiful, extremely thin platinum-blonde high school outcast with self-esteem issues and mommy problems. Yeah, an outcast, because she's a little bit scarred from being burned as a child. So here's Juliet/Ariel. On earth. Almost dead from a car accident, and OH CRAP THERE'S ROMEO, now in the body of a boy named Dylan. Juliet/Ariel runs like fuck, Romeo is chasing after her (he's a fast zombie), and OMG YAY A CAR. She runs into the car, and is struck down by insta-love. The rescuer is a high school boy named Ben Luna. The attraction is immediate. I’m suddenly very aware of him, as well, of his front warming my back, his thighs shifting beneath mine. I clear my throat, blushing for the first time in so long the strangeness of hot cheeks makes me blink.Ben is Mexican-American. He likes to uses randomly inserted Spanish words. “Then this really isn’t your lucky night, chica."I almost typed "Mexican words" for a moment before I caught myself. Lol. We all have our brain farts. So crazy zombie Romeo/Dylan is after Ariel/Juliet. They go to the same high school. Hooray! Doesn't matter. What's important is BEN. BEN. She feels such...familiarity with him, she feels an intense longing for him, despite knowing Ben that night for all of 1 hour.She wants to kiss him as he drops her off. I stay and let him come closer, closer, until I can feel the heat of his lips and imagine just how perfect they’ll feel, how perfect he’ll taste, how—She can't stop thinking about him for the rest of the night. I fist the damp wipe in my hand, reining in the part of me that aches for this boy with the big brown eyes.Famous last words. Ben is Mexican. "Dulces sueños, Mermaid.”Day 2: So Juliet's still got a job to do, right? She's got to find the designated couple of soulmates and make them fall in love or else one of them will die a horrible horrible death. Nobody wants that, except for Romeo. Awesome. So where are they? As it turned out, one of the couple is Gemma, Juliet/Ariel's best friend since second grade. The one girl who has befriended Ariel despite the entire class neglecting and making fun of her. There's an aura over her head. Gemma is 1/2 of the soulmate. And then I turn back to Gemma...lost in the rosy glow surrounding her chest.And the other 1/2 of the soulmates? Ben. Something in my gut twists and for a moment I’m dizzy, weightless, as if the floor has been ripped from beneath me, but I don’t know which way to fall.Well, awesome! Best friend in love and designated to be soulmates with the guy who saved her the other night. What could be better? Well, for starters, JULIET CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT BEN. I shake my head. This has to stop. I can’t go to pieces every time I see his face. I have to pull it together, be a good influence, make sure he commits to the love of his life and lives happily ever after.But it doesn't. Juliet can't stop thinking about him. Romeo is on her ass. And Ben is still determined to prove to us that he's Mexican. Ben laughs. “Dios mio. Fine, crazy woman.”Day 3: GEMMA. THAT BITCH. SHE'S SO NOT WORTHY OF BEN. I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE HER TO BEN. Gemma’s thoughtless at best, mean-spirited and selfish at worst, and I want so much better for Ben.What?! Where the fuck did that come from?! Ok, so Juliet's in love with Ben. Romeo's still there declaring his undying (that was a zombie joke) love for Juliet if only she'd give him another chance. And Ben? After three (ok, 2.2?) days of knowing her, this is how he feels. “I’m not doing this right, and I know I sound crazy, but...I love you. I could see myself loving you for a long time.”Well, that escalated quickly. Three days. Three motherfucking days. “I love you. I want to do everything with you. I want to marry you and have kids with you and get old with you. And then I want to die the day before you do, so I never have to live without you.”[image] NOOOOOOOOOOO. WHYYYYYYYYYYYY. Do your fucking job, Juliet. Need I remind you of what would happen if you don't unite the soulmates? These two are my job, and if I don’t do it, one of them will die. Either they commit to each other or one of them commits murder and becomes a Mercenary. That’s the way it goes. Every. Single. Time.Fuck you, Juliet, you stupid bitch. YOU HAD ONE JOB. Ben is still Mexican. “Dios mio,” Ben says.Juliet: How can I think of loving someone again? How have I let this happen? Even if it weren’t forbidden, haven’t I learned my lesson?Apparently not. Juliet is a motherfucking moron. She's techniaclly over 700 years old, but she hasn't spent all that time on Earth. I’ve seen centuries pass, but I died when I was fourteen and have spent less than twenty conscious years on earth.20 years. That's a long time as an adult. Time spent being Cupid, making soulmates meet. She's been betrayed by love. She's seen the harm love can do. She knows the consequences of destined soulmates NOT falling in love, and she doesn't learn a motherfucking thing. She fell into insta-love with Romeo and elopes. He kills her. One would think she would know better not to fall into insta-love again. After THREE MOTHERFUCKING DAYS. She knows that the soulmates who aren't together will end up in a horrible death. SHE IGNORES THAT FOR HER OWN MOTHERFUCKING INSTA-LOVE. Gemma doesn't deserve him, says Juliet, the worst fucking Cupid ever. Not only that, she's determined to destroy the only friendship thar her borrowed body, Ariel, has. Gemma is her only friend. Ariel suffers from crippling shyness. Ariel has no other friends. And yet Juliet as Ariel sees fit to steal away her best friend's soulmate. She and Gemma are so different. It’s amazing they’ve stayed friends for as long as they have.That would be such a fucking cute sentiment if Juliet didn't steal away Ben under poor Gemma's nose. Oh my god, the love. THE LOVE. Juliet is so fucking purple-prosey-lovey-dovey. She can't contain her fucking emotions for Ben, a boy whom, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but SHE'S KNOWN HIM FOR LESS THAN THREE DAYS. By the end of day 2, she's ready to declare her love. It's pure insta-love. There is no emotion behind it. She feels the familiarity, the desire, that's it. One little word from him is like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH MOTHERFUCKING CHERUBS SINGING FROM HEAVEN. Juliet is easily impressed. Romeo might have praised my loveliness with lyrical poetry, but he never made me feel as beautiful as Ben did when he said four simple words.Puh-please. Is that all it takes to get her to drop her panties? Be a little better than that. Have more fucking depths than that. Am I to believe that Juliet is a motherfucking Immortal Warrior? Fucking no. The Girl Hate: "You’re the one who messed up when you got pregnant when you were nineteen."Way to be a bitch to your own mother. Well, to Ariel's mother, but it's Ariel who's going to have to live with the consequences. This book hates women. Juliet/Ariel's mother is a careless person. Unfeeling about her daughter's feelings. Terrible at showing her love, even if Juliet acknowledges that she does love her daughter. She means that she cares, no matter how bad she is at showing it.Her best friend Gemma, is also another careless person. The hard light in Gemma’s eyes fades, and for a second I can see that she cares. Or that she wants to care.So none of the female side characters in this book is careing and loving and nice at all. To be fair, none of the guys in this book are any good, either, but the female characters are prominent, and I hate the female hate in this book. Gemma is a bitch. She doesn't deserve the angelic Ben. Gemma is a vindictive, selfish, spoiled girl who doesn’t deserve Ariel and certainly doesn’t deserve Ben’s love.Every attempt is made in this book to paint Gemma in a bad light, including making her the beautiful outcast rich girl, to making her a slutty character who plays around with boys like they were toys (and therefore deserves her heartbreak). Ben! The Abusive Romantic!: “He was only protecting her.”Oh, I'm sorry, did I accidentally read a New Adult novel? Ben is violent. He's beaten up people before. He's gotten arrested for it. But it's ok, because Ben was doing it for the sake of other people. He only beats up the bad guys ~_~ Therefore his violence is TOTALLY justified. Ben flirts with Juliet/Ariel while dating her best friend. I would almost swear that Ben is flirting. With me. Right in front of his soul mate. Which is so bad that bad can’t even begin to describe it.Uh, yah, you took the words right out of my mouth. Ben, who speaks with the eloquence of a thousand John Mayers. “I know you,” he says, with a quiet assurance that threatens to make my tears start all over again. “I know you’re strong and as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. I know you like to eat and hate Shakespeare—at least the love stories—and would do anything for a friend. I know you’re an artist, and you made a wall of bricks look like it should be hanging in a museum."Ben, who is Mexican. “Olvida la escuela,” he says, anger in his eyes....more |
Notes are private!
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1
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May 22, 2014
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May 22, 2014
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May 22, 2014
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Hardcover
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1442423730
| 9781442423732
| 1442423730
| 3.80
| 6,320
| Sep 13, 2011
| Sep 13, 2011
|
it was amazing
|
Actual rating: 4.5 stars and a unicorn. “Kind of funny when you think about it, us believing we had to protect a dude from you,” Tall said. “In a feActual rating: 4.5 stars and a unicorn. “Kind of funny when you think about it, us believing we had to protect a dude from you,” Tall said. “In a few weeks we can all grab a cheeseburger together and laugh about this. A hot chick like you couldn’t possibly be a vampire. Seriously, though, you might want to cut down on the black garb.”Any book with a stalker unicorn and an alpha-female vampire with a sadistic streak is bound to be a fucking winner. This book is fa-bu-lous. *snaps fingers* It's got: - A motherfucking sparkly twinkly stabbing stalker unicorn, HELLO?! - A strong female vampire lead who slowly discovers her humanity (who's a master at power plays) - A Mafia-like vampiric society - A sweet love interest who's a decent human being, and a love triangle that doesn't hurt because it's not really much of one - A hilarious portrayal of high school that points out the clichés within the cliques - A tongue-in-cheek style of writing, chock full of deadpan humor (no pun intended) - Actual female friendship! Hallelujah! The Summary: The unicorn stood between the dumpsters. He sparkled like a horse-shaped disco ball. His traditional spiral horn beamed like a toy light saber.Pearl is a vampire. She is merciless (and in The Family, she's got to be). She drinks blood, she's even got a favorite drink. His name's Brad. He works at the ice cream shop. He tastes best after he's had mint-flavored ice cream. “Shh,” she said. “Nearly dawn. No time for talking.” Snuggling against him, she continued to feed him ice cream. He swallowed mechanically, as if her proximity erased all brain function. Pearl pressed closer and pushed his straggly hair back away from his neck.But all that was before she got stabbed by an unicorn. A motherfucking unicorn. They're not supposed to even exist! Naturally, nobody believes her. Her family (The Family) just laughs at her. Pearl's Family is like a vampire Mafia. Her mother is cold (as well as cold-blooded). Her father is a "businessman." But all in all, it's a fairly normal family...just a little deadlier than most. She's got a fussy aunt. She's got an idiot cousin. She's got a crazy uncle. ...his propensity to chew off birds’ heads was much more unsettling than the puckering on his cheeks.But the family has more to worry about that the possible sighting of an unicorn, the King of the vampires is coming to town, and her family is their host. So yeah, bigger things to worry about here. But then, weird things start happening...Pearl starts feeling empathy for her food (aka Brad the ice cream boy). I should release him, she thought. Let the puppy run free.She sees her own reflection---and my fucking god...she can step into the sun without dying in a blaze of fire. Colored light tinted her pale skin, and Pearl raised her arm and turned it over to watch the stained-glass light dance over her blue veins and bring hints of color into the whiteness, as if her skin were Formica.The Family isn't too happy to find out about this, but there's the problem with The King coming to town. They have to provide the entertainment. They have to provide the food (aka HUMANS OM NOM NOM). And now their daughter, Pearl, can step into sunlight and not die a fiery death. Hm. HMMMMMMMMMMM. This may be useful. “You want me to find the king’s dinner in daylight?” Pearl guessed.Because there's nothing more delicious than a schoolful of teenagers ^_^ So Pearl's going to go to high school for the first time in her life, huzzah! She already knows a couple of kids, too, there's sweet, friendly Bethany, and super nice guy with a hero complex, Evan. He’d chosen a chair by the window. Sunlight streamed in, illuminating the dust to create distinct rays so it appeared as if he were highlighted by a halo of angelic light. If he’d been trying to stage it to catch her eye, he couldn’t have planned it better.The school is...interesting, and for a vampire used to dominance and power play within the vampiric hierarchy...it's a piece of cake. There's your usual cliques, there's the Queen Bee...of whom Pearl isn't the least bit scared. She watched as Ashlyn strode across the cafetorium with all the confidence of a vampire...and Pearl wondered if that was it, if it was the confidence that she radiated that was the source of her power.Pearl is fucking awesome. She's got the strength. She's got the looks. She's got the swagger. She's got the confidence. Within the first day, she's insulted and upstaged an aggressive teacher, she's scratched Queen Bee's car, and Greenbridge High School doesn't know what hit it. “Are you kidding?” Bethany said. “She’s, like, a hero!” With shining eyes, she turned to Pearl. “You are exactly what this school needs.”Everything would be perfect if she's starting to...feel things for the pesky fucking humans. Everything would be perfect if she weren't so busy that she doesn't have time to eat (drink, rather), or sleep. Everything would be perfect if SHE WEREN'T BEING STALKED BY A FUCKING UNICORN. As the sun sank into the horizon, Pearl trudged home without having seen a single sparkly hoofprint or rainbowed poop pile. It wasn’t as if she’d expected unicorn wuz here graffiti...Okay, yes, that would have been nice.Pearl's hunger soon gets the better of her...and in the midst of gaining control, Pearl makes a mistake. And now, it seems like her meals---aka, her human friends---are the only ones to whom she can turn. Hating herself for what she was about to say, Pearl blurted out the words: “I need help.”In the end, who will Pearl become? The bloodsucking, cold-hearted creature of vampire lore...or someone who's only too human? She swallowed hard and tried to force the achy feeling to stop. No matter how lovely the words were, these people didn’t understand, and she couldn’t stay.The Setting: Upstairs was the perfect suburban home: couches and TV in the living room, marble counters and stainless steel appliances in the kitchen, and color-coordinated lacy bedrooms. Downstairs, hidden from human view, was a catacomb of tunnels and rooms that included sleeping chambers, training rooms, torture rooms, a few storage areas, and the treasury.This is a modern US setting in which vampires exist unbeknownst to humans (and so do other supernatural creatures, like zombies, but they're rare. Unicorns, naturally, are just imaginary, duh!). This vampiric society is dominated by powerful families, Pearl's family, the Sanges, are dominant in their region. Their clan was rising in prominence. Daddy owned real estate throughout western Connecticut, including multiple businesses in Hartford, and Mother had a head for business that rivaled any CEO’s.Her father is a "shark." Her mother is ruthless. You didn’t sit down to tea with someone you were about to punish, but then she’d once seen Mother wait an entire week before slicing off the toe of a distant relative who had crossed into their territory without permission.And their entire family, however eccentric some members, are to be feared. Of course, they're not without their sense of humor. Like family dinner nights, in which the food...is human. Their dinner had been presented on a bed of lettuce. Carrots had been stuck in candelabras on either side of the boy’s torso, and his hands had been positioned to hold a decorative cabbage as if it were a bride’s bouquet. He wore a bellhop uniform.Their society is dominated by power, power play, and mind games of dominance...which makes Pearl's personality so much more interesting. Pearl: Pearl didn’t want to adjust. She wanted humans to revert to being merely meals again. She wanted to stop pretending to fit in. She wanted to return to being the ordinary child she was born to be, not a special miracle charged with this impossible task.I fucking loved Pearl. She has such a strong personality, without weakness as a vampire who sees humans purely as food, which makes her all the more realistic when she finally...due to the stupid unicorn...starts feeling emotions. Pearl is exceedingly intelligent, you don't get to be an idiot being raised in a family in which survival of the fittest is the motto, and therefore, Pearl is so, so tough and cold initially. She's been raised that way, and she can read people like a book. Which is how she knows to interpret the cliques and power structure at her high school. Others around her nodded wisely, and a few laughed outright. Pearl realized what she was seeing: a shift in power. Ashlyn had shown weakness, and others were jockeying for her position. She wondered how malleable the social hierarchy was and how far Ashlyn would tumble.Pearl is confident. She is strong, she is beautiful, she is powerful, and she knows it. When a girl threatens her relationship with Pearl's vampire boyfriend, Jadrien...well, Pearl knows how to stake her territory without saying a word (no pun intended). ...She elected to simply wait the girl out.And just like that, the power structure is shifted. Pearl is so confident and strong in her identity, that I loved seeing her finally expose her vulnerability when she realizes that humans, unlike her vampire compatriots...are not going to stab her in the back. She doesn't have to constantly watch herserlf. Pearl left the office feeling dazed. Mrs. Kerry at the front desk waved at her as she half walked and half stumbled back toward class. Glancing over her shoulder multiple times, she watched for an attack that never came.The Romance: “What’s wrong with me?” Pearl asked. How would she ever undo what she’d done?There is a love triangle in this book, and it doesn't hurt. The romance is so light that it's barely there at all, in the context of an YA book. Pearl is "betrothed" but not formally, to a vampire boy named Jadrien. They have fun together, he is a smooth talker, they're not best friends. Jadrien and Pearl have a playful, flirtatious relationship, they train and fight together. “Surrender?” she said.Their relationship---like most in the vampire community---is fraught with tension, power plays, and mind games. “I’m tired of games, Jadrien,” she said. “I play them all night and now all day. But you know what?” She stepped closer to him. “If I have to play...I play to win. You should know that about me by now.”And it's just Jadrien who will be her future until she meets Evan. The human boy who is unexpectedly kind. Who understands Pearl more than she expected. “How about you?” she asked. “You seem to have everything under control. What are your issues?”Their relationship is well-built, well-drawn. There is no insta-love. There is distrust in the beginning (he is food, after all). The romance is not overwhelming in the least. Overall: Such a lovely book, the humor is spectacular. I had a blast reading it. There are imperfections in the book, but overall, I enjoyed it so much that nothing else mattered. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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May 24, 2014
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May 24, 2014
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May 21, 2014
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Hardcover
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0399257454
| 9780399257452
| 0399257454
| 3.90
| 17,621
| Jan 25, 2012
| Feb 07, 2012
|
liked it
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Actual rating: 3.5. Rounded down for the pointless motherfucking love triangle. Mother didn’t trust Father to fight for us. Truth be told, she didn’Actual rating: 3.5. Rounded down for the pointless motherfucking love triangle. Mother didn’t trust Father to fight for us. Truth be told, she didn’t do a very good job of it herself. She left me with a diary full of cryptic warnings and a responsibility that should have been hers.I'm an idiot. This is what I get for not reading the summary. For some fucking reason, I thought this was an adult novel. It's not. I thought it was magical realism. It's not, it's about witches. I thought it takes place in the modern US. It doesn't. Then I thought it took place in 18th century US. That ended quickly when I encountered a family named the Ishidas (there weren't a whole lot of Japanese people in the US in the 18th century, ok?). This book is an alternate history of the US with a Puritan-like religious sect called "The Brotherhood" in charge, in which witches existed and are persecuted. So now that we've finished discussing how dumb I am for not paying attention to the summary, let's discuss the book itself: The not-so-good: - Completely fucking pointless love triangle: what's better than one awesome guy?! Two of them! WHY?! - I-don't-want-to-be-a-witch syndrone: the main character suffers from it. - The length: It's a long book, and there is a decided lack of action. This is an alternate history of the 1900s US, expect plenty of courtship and tea parties with your witchcraft. The good: - Surprisingly feminist: there's a big message about female empowerment, education, and oppression in this book. - A likeable main character who doesn't feel like a Mary Sue: she is not a pretty pretty pretty girl like the summary tells you. She's dowdy, she's awkward, and she's more a mother hen than a peacock. - An interesting, if initially confusing-as-fuck alternate history: once you get that figured out, we're golden. - Diversity: people of color. Lesbians. A tongue-in-cheek reference to how liberal the alternate Middle-Eastern countries are in comparison. The witches themselves are believed and abhorred by the Brotherhood for being women who live with other women, and it's implied that they're lesbians. They're not, but it's the prejudice. - Interesting and unexpected side characters: you think a character is a stupid trope? Nope! - A well-drawn sisterly relationship: this is a book about sisters, and it shows. The Summary: You must watch over your sisters for me. Keep them safe. There’s so much I wanted to tell you. And now I haven’t time.Contrary to the fucking summary, 16-year-old Cate Cahill isn't "too pretty." She's the rather dowdy oldest sister to her younger siblings, Tess, 12, and Maura, 15. Her mother passed away when she was 13, leaving her with a cryptic message and a mission to watch over her sisters. It's a pretty important mission, because the Cahill sisters have a secret: they're witches. Not even their despondent, grieving shadow of a father knows. It's a secret that could kill them because they live in an alternate version of circa 1900 United States. This US is ruled by The Brotherhood, a fanatical religious sect that doesn't believe in the rights of women. This is because over 100 years ago, they defeated the witches, women said to be powerful, wicked, evil, lustful. They are kept controlled, regardless of their lack of magic. The Brothers are afraid the witches will rise up again someday, Mother said, so they loathe the idea of powerful women. We are not permitted to study and go to university as men do, or to take up professions.Since then, the Brotherhood has led a reign of purity, chastity, where women are subdued and submissive. The message is clear: women who are too opinionated or too educated, too odd or too curious, are punished. They deserve whatever fate they get.Women are evil. Magic is reviled. The Cahill sisters are witches who must practice their witchcraft in secret, and they hate it. Spirited Tessa cannot help using spells where she shouldn't. Fiery Maura wants the freedom to practice her witchcraft---she doesn't feel like magic is something of which they should be ashamed. “We’re witches, Cate. We were born that way. Magic isn’t shameful, no matter what the Brothers would have us believe. It’s a gift. I wish you would accept that.”Whereas Cate worries all the time, and wishes she weren't a witch. I frown at my reflection in the pond, wishing with every fiber of my being that I weren’t a witch.Cate and her sisters are of marrying age, and a conniving neighbor with the aspiration of being the next Mrs. Cahill has convinced their dad to get them a governess---a dour Sister. A convent-like organization for women who don't marry. Cate and her sisters aren't fond of the idea...that's one more person they have to keep their secret from, but this governess isn't the plain sourpuss of a nun they expected. She is young, she is beautiful, she is fashiomable... Sister Elena is pretty—no, beautiful—with smooth brown skin and black ringlets peeking out from beneath her hood. And she’s fashionable—as fashionable as the Brothers’ strictures will allow. Her dress has a wide bell skirt in a soft pink that reminds me of Mother’s peonies.And she may just be the ally that they need. Cate has more on her mind than just the secrecy of her magic, she's of an age to marry, and for girls like her, there are only two choices once she turns 17: marry, or become a sister. Will she be marrying her childhood sweetheart, Paul...who understands her. “A life with you will never be dull, will it, and that’s just what I want. Think about it, Cate. That’s all I ask. Can you do that?”Or the mysterious Finn. Finn squares his shoulders—which have gotten a good deal sturdier since the last time I saw him. Or paid attention, at any rate. How long has it been since I actually looked? He’s gotten awfully handsome; it can’t have happened overnight.Adding to her headaches is her mother's mysterious message, it seems like Cate and her sister are in danger. There is a prophecy---will they be the one to fulfil it? Hell, will they live long enough to see it? ...if the Brothers found out, they would kill me. Immediately and without trial. Perhaps they’d make an example of all three of us—burn us at the stake, or hang us in the town square, the way they did in Great-Grandmother’s day.The Setting: Whaaa?! This book was really, really confusing at first. I thought it was historical US, it's not. It's an alternate version of the US, where witchcraft exists and is stifled for fear. Around 100 years ago, the Brotherhood gained power. They killed all the witches, they set up a Puritan-like regime under which women aren't allowed access to higher education (some Brethren don't believe women should read at all) and should be submissive to men at all times. They use the witches' power to justify suppressing young women and making them subservient. They cared nothing for protecting girls’ virtue. They would have women aping men— dressing immodestly, running businesses, even forgoing marriage to live in unnatural unions with other women.”This book has a lot of diversity. There are Japanese families and side characters. The governess has "brown skin." There are lesbians, it is implied that some of the witches are lesbians. Furthermore, with the Middle Eastern circumstance these days where women are denied access to education---this book makes a tongue-in-cheek reference to the liberalness of the Middle Eastern countries compared to the US in this alternate universe. I hold back a sigh. What I wouldn’t give to share in the freedoms of Arab girls. They’re allowed to inherit property and go to university; they’ve even been given the right to vote.Overall, I felt like the world building was very well-done, if confusing at first. Cate: I hate that I’ve taken this small happiness away from her. When I was her age, I liked to run through the gardens, and I suppose I was careless with my magic, too. Now I have to play mother for Tess and Maura, and ignore the wild girl that still bangs in my heart, begging to be let out.A really sympathetic character. She is a girl who is forced to grow old before her time. She has to play disciplinarian to her two contrary, wilder, free-spirited sister, and it sucks the life out of her to do so. There is no question that the sisters love one another, and Cate feels her responsibility heavy on her shoulders. She is prepared to give up her own happiness to keep them safe. It’s been years since I’ve let myself consider what I want. It hardly matters. I didn’t want Mother to die; I didn’t want Father to turn into a shadow of his old self; I didn’t want the responsibility of policing my sisters. I certainly never wanted to be a witch in the first place.I love her occasional moments of anger and resentment at having been forced to grow up so fast, so soon. It’s rare that I’ve let myself feel angry with Mother. She’s dead; she can’t defend herself. But now I’m shaking with it. How could she? How could she die and leave me here to deal with all of this alone?What I didn't like about Cate was her hatred of her own powers. She has an unique power, and no, she doesn't feel like a Mary Sue. Cate believes her witchcraft wicked, she hates her powers, she thinks herself evil. I don't like that. If I had powers, even if they were presecuted, I'd revel in it. Find a way to work it to my advantage. Don't be a motherfucking pussy. EMBRACE THE POWER. Cate sometimes feel week because of her own denial, and I didn't appreciate that character flaw, especially when power is something I would so embrace.The Romance: I want to chase right after Finn. I don’t care how big a fool I’d look.Why?! Fucking why?! Paul is PERFECT. Here we have a case of a completely needless love triangle. She has her childhood best friend, Paul, with whom she has an understanding, which means that everyone in the 'hood knows they will get married one day, and she knows it, and Paul knows it, except BOOM, OUT OF THE BLUE COMES FUCKING FINN. Who takes all the Funn out of things. Sorry, couldn't resist. Paul is so nice. He understands Cate so well. They get along so well. “Because we’re alike, you and I. We want adventures, not quiet nights at home by the fire. I think I could make you happy if you’d let me.” Paul’s voice goes gravelly, and he takes both my hands in his.Which is why I don't fucking understand the need for a love triangle at all. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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May 21, 2014
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May 21, 2014
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Hardcover
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0062135317
| 9780062135315
| 0062135317
| 3.61
| 13,137
| Feb 19, 2013
| Dec 03, 2013
|
did not like it
| I can’t lose Annie because I wanted to dance and kiss James. How could I have been so stupid and selfish? Everything was already screwed up; we wer I can’t lose Annie because I wanted to dance and kiss James. How could I have been so stupid and selfish? Everything was already screwed up; we were already in trouble. I can’t believe I did this. I did this. Again. How many times will Annie have to see her own death because of me?[image] So there are these two stupid sisters, I want to call them Dumb and Dumber, but for the purposes of this book, they're named Annabelle (Annie) and Sofia (Fia). At the beginning of the story, we know that Fia is an assassin, a 17-year old assassin. A really pretty, skinny, girl-next-door-wholesome, charming assassin who's given a task to kill someone, a boy named Adam. Supposedly she's been a killer before, it doesn't matter because as soon as we meet her, the first paragraph of the book tells us that she's a motherfucking moron who can't kill anything if it has big, soulful motherfucking eyes. Fia has to kill this dude. There are people holding her beloved sister, Annie, hostage. If she doesn't kill this guy whom she's never known before, whom she's never met before, they're gonna probably kill or hurt her sister (who's blind, and by implication, pretty helpless). So what does Fia do? She doesn't fucking kill the guy. I know I won’t be able to kill him.Because he motherfucking helped a puppy. He’s still helping the puppy, untangling the leash from a tree outside the bar. And he’s not only setting it free, he’s talking to it.He's setting the little puppy free from where its leash got tangled, and by doing so, Dumber, I mean, Fia, can't bring it in her cold steel assassin motherfucking heart to kill him. He's ruined her plans because he helped a motherfucking puppy. What in the actual fucking name of incompetent moronic idiocy is this shit? And need I remind you of what's going to happen if she doesn't kill him? Her sister is going to get fucking killed by the organization holding her hostage. His long fingers deftly untwist and unwind and undo my entire day, my entire life. Because if he doesn’t die today, Annie will, and that is one death I cannot have on my conscience.[image] So in case I haven't made it clear, Annie is Fia's sister. She is blind. She is helpless. She will get killed if Fia doesn't do her job as an assassin and kill this henceforth unknown boy. And Fia is going to let her beloved 19-year old big sister, whom she has to protect, die because she can't bear to kill a boy who shows kindness to a motherfucking puppy. She doesn't know the boy. She doesn't know who she is. She's never fucking met him before. He's a cute boy. It doesn't fucking matter. He could have been a serial killer. She doesn't know why she has to kill him, but he's her assignment. Ted Bundy was handsome, too, he was wholesome-looking, too. [image] And look where that got all his 30 victims. That dumb dog has killed us all.No, it hasn't. You've killed "us all," Fia. You had one fucking job, to kill that boy, and you couldn't do it because of a cute motherfucking dog. [image] So instead of doing her job and just making it simple, and you know, killing the guy, Fia ends up incapacitating some random thugs instead and saves mysterious boy, named Adam, a 19-year old "doctor," by which I think he means he's a Ph.D and not an actual doctor, because no doctor would be so incompetent and overdose their patient unless they graduated from a cut-rate medical school in Guatemala that would admit a student from an non-biological science major who spent her entire college career playing Worlf of Warcraft every night and cramming for her exams the hours before. Meaning they'd take me. No offense to actual Guatemalan doctors everywhere. I'm sure you guys are amazing compared to the "board certified plastic surgeons" working out of garages in Las Vegas who use motor engine lubricant/WD-40 for butt injections. I kid. I kid. Not really. Anyways! Despite the fact that fucking child-savant-19-year-old-"doctor" Adam fucking drugged her without her consent, Fia still trusts him. Because she's the most idiotic assassin in the history of YA literature with the exception of perhaps, Celaena Sardothien. He shifts uncomfortably, eyes on the road. “I might have overdosed you. Just a little. I needed to think.”Clearly, along with her inability to do her fucking job, Fia has to get her priorities straight. Here is a girl who's been raised in a psychic school who's been trained to be deadly for years, who's had her sister taken hostage, whose parents died under mysterious circumstances, who knows better than to trust anyone, suddenly fucking trusts a guy who: 1. She's been assigned to kill, obvious there has to be a reason if he's seen as a threat 2. DRUGS HER WITHOUT HER CONSENT How fucking dumb is that? So now she hasn't killed the boy, she's faked his death at the risk of having her sister killed because she can't complete her assignment, she lets him go, she TELLS him that she's been assigned to kill him, he believes her and they part with a hug, because it's just totally natural that she tell a guy that there's a hit on his head, that he has to abandon his family and friends and go into hiding, and she's going to pretend she's killed him. And now she's going to return to the agency and pretend that everything is normal, singing Justin Bieber while she goes. I should be terrified. I should turn around and go anywhere else. I should curl up in a ball and cry. Instead, I think about everything in the whole entire world that makes me angry—there is a lot, oh, there is a lot—and I start singing Justin Bieber at the top of my lungs.Clearly, she just needs somebody to love (I need somebody, I, I need somebody...). I do like that song, by the way. So Fia's angry. Really really angry. She takes out that anger by imagining killing people in her head (while believing that killing is wrong and hating herserlf because she kills. Yay! Hypocrisy!). She hates everyone, she hates everything. She dances. And Fia—oh, Fia, you are so beautiful it makes my heart hurt—is in the middle of it all, slamming her body, moving and swaying and dancing to the beat in a way that no one else can. Her eyes are closed and her arm is raised.She sings. “Drugs, drugs, drugs, I want some drugs,” I sing, dancing out of the bathroom and into my living room.There could be terrorists threatening her life, it doesn't really matter because if Fia dances and sings, they'll all go away. Dance dance. Sing. Sing. Sing. So just forget about Adam now, really, forget about him. He's a projected love interest, but you're not gonna see him again for a long time. Because now we meet another love interest instead, handsome, powerful James. And cue love triangle. Apparently, for all the sisterly love that Annie and Fia supposedly share, they hate each other pretty easily. Because right now (we're like, 1 hour from the Adam-rescuing-puppy event) Fia goes back to super secret special agency headquarter and finds out that Annie is the one who ordered the kill on Adam. And instead of, like, actually ASKING Annie why she wanted to fucking kill Adam in the first place ---you know, trusting your beloved sister whom you've sworn to protect and all--- Fia gets all fucking upset that Annie sent her to kill. And now Fia feels that Annie has betrayed her because of a fucking boy whom she's known for all of a fucking hour. How could she want him dead? Did she want me to do it? How could she set me up for that?And instead of trusting her sister and telling her the reason (and it's a legit reason) why she wanted Adam dead: Hint: he's dangerous! Annie just keeps it all to herself and allows her sister to think that she's just a vindictive bitch who just wanted to kill a cute sad-eyed boy for fun. Adam was a threat. A huge, massive, all-consuming threat.Such communication. What love. Much wow. Sisters much? This book was a mess. The ending. Fuck that ending. Why did I even read this book? [image] The Narrative: Drove me absolutely bonkers. - Half the book are composed of flashbacks - It is narrated from alternating POVs, Fia and Annie (and THEIR flashbacks! Yay!) - Nothing fucking happens: seriously, after the beginning Adam excitement, nothing happens in this book. Why? Oh, right. BECAUSE HALF THE BOOK ARE FLASHBACKS. - Stream-of-consciousness style narrative from Fia. And man, she is motherfucking annoying. Repetitions. Fia fucking loves them. Something is wrong.Did I mention she loves repetitions? (Control, control, control. Control got Clarice killed.)Yep. She loves repetition. Annie is safe.I GET THE FUCKING POINT. The Anger: I like an angry heroine. I don't like a bratty one. Fia is angry, but her anger is the sort of the kind of tantrum that a 5-year old throws, and I just had enough of her bullshit. I absolutely hated her. I wanted to strangle her, or at least remove her voice box so she would just fucking shut up because I don't want to hear it. I know she has a lot to be upset about. I should have been able to empathize with her. I can't because she's so "WAH OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGMG SHUT UP YOU ARE ALL BITCHES AND I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!! DIIIIIIIIE!" all the fucking time. Fia is crazy. She is fucking nuts. She's not the cold, sociopathic kind of crazy or the entertaining kind of crazy like Penryn's mother in Angelfall, but the sort that one day is going to turn into the scary bag lady in the corner, shouting at passersby, brandishing an umbrella, screaming "I'M COMING FOR YOU IN YOUR SLEEP, YOU LITTLE FUCKS." as concerned mothers cover their children's ears. It is batshit, annoying crazy, and I can't take it. Sister, Sister: The love between sisters in this book is all telling and no showing. Oh, we know that Fia really loves her sister because she says so all the time. Except for the fact that practically every time she sees Annie, Fia's resenting her for getting her stuck in this situation in the first place. We know that Fia really loves Annie because she thinks that Annie's betraying her without giving her a chance to explain. We know that Annie and Fia love each other because they never. ever. fucking. communicate. with each other. Sharing emotions. Sharing your troubles. Sharing your stories. Leaning on each other for support? Is that too much to motherfucking ask? I just wanted the sister to show some genuine love for one another. The Romance: Surprisingly little, despite the fucking insta-love. The book doesn't tie anything together. There are roughly 93889758934329 loose ends, and the romance is but one of them. There attempts to be a love triangle, and it's just completely laughable because it's so completely fucking pointless. The only person I liked in the book is the sadistic love interest, James. He was the only one with any sort of depth to his personality. There was just no point to this book. Why did I even bother? Nothing ever got resolved. [image] ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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May 26, 2014
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May 26, 2014
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May 21, 2014
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Hardcover
| |||||||||||||||
0061989711
| 9780061989711
| B006OHVXTK
| 3.85
| 4,819
| Dec 28, 2010
| Dec 28, 2010
|
really liked it
|
Actual rating: 3.5 The strange staring contests. The lack of parents. And the missing blood. Oh God, the missing blood. How could I be so stupid? ThActual rating: 3.5 The strange staring contests. The lack of parents. And the missing blood. Oh God, the missing blood. How could I be so stupid? They’re vampires, or at least under a number of severe delusions.This was a hilarious read. It's partially a parody on Twilight and other generic vampire books, so expect quite a few insider vampires jokes. If you're expecting a DEEP DARK SCARY YA VAMPIRE NOVEL, stop here. This book is 75% lulz, it doesn't take itself seriously at all. There are stupid, dangerous, and silly vampires who are completely out of touch with modern high school life and refers to Twilight as a manual. Marisabel just shrugs, rolling on her back to stare up at an open copy of Twilight.It is light on romance, and the main character is realistic, funny, and likeable. She's a snarky journalist wannabe with as much curiosity as there is blood in her veins. The side characters (the humans, at least) are kind of shallow, but considering this book is a parody, it's fine. This isn't War and Peace, I just want a book that would make me laugh, without any elements like slut shaming and abuse/stalking that would piss me off. This book did the trick. The Summary: I can imagine the expressions that flicker across my face; there’s the “Crap, she is a vampire,” followed by “Crap, I am not supposed to know she is a vampire,” followed by “Crap, I think she just realized that I still know she is a vampire.”Sophie wants to be a journalist. This is the year she will become editor-in-chief of her high school newspaper. Only her journalism teacher think she takes her assignments a leeeetle too far. “Like I said, I love everything you’re doing, but our school paper is generally supposed to be less investigative and more...”She's assigned the boring-as-fuck job of interviewing the surprising number of new students that have shown up at her school over the summer. Four of them. They stare at people at length. They're really strange. They live together. They have really weird names, like Vlad and Marisabel. They're not too willing to give her any information about themselves, and Vlad is oddly fascinated with Sophie's stepsister, Caroline. Of course, he doesn't give Sophie the time of day, which SUCKS, because she's supposed to interview him. Sophie's got competition for the editor-in-chief position. She NEEDS to get this article together. The more Sophie finds out about the new students, the stranger they seem. It helps that Caroline won't stop talking about him. Vlad is hot. Vlad is cool. Vlad has a silver Hummer with tinted windows and he offered to drive Caroline around in it. Vlad is rich. Vlad’s parents are away on business in Europe, so he has the house to himself. And yes, he’s delighted that they let his friends come stay with him this semester so he wouldn’t be lonely.Hm. HMMMMMMMMMM. The new students don't act right. They're overheard saying really strange things. “They already like me, Neville,” Vlad says. “Did you see how many of them congratulated me afterward? Look, this is called a ‘fist bump.’ It is more accepted now than a handshake.”They walk with unnatural grace. Vlad is making his way across the cafeteria. He moves silently and with an easy grace, an achievement when you take into account the cheap tile that makes everyone in sneakers sound like farting mice.And then there's the weird mystert of the missing blood from a blood drive. Hm. HMMMMMMMMMM. To further complicate things, Sophie's childhood best friend, James has returned. He's living next door. Alone. James seems to know a little bit too much about the new students, and since they were friends, Sophie confides in him. “Not only won’t they talk to me, they scare the crap out of me. They’re not normal students. I overheard a very strange conversation yesterday. And Vlad’s dating my sister. And possibly dating his sister, too.”Sophie's investigational skills will finally get the better of her, and she'll come to discover a shocking, horrifying secret. They're vampires. WHO'D HAVE THUNK IT THAT THE STRANGE SCARY NEW PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT NORMAL ARE VAMPIRES. Like, what the FUCK, man?! The freaking vampires aren't at school for no reason, they're here on a mission to find a girl. “She’s said to be the great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter of some dumb baby of some musty vampire family named Mervaux.”And she's going to have to decide who to trust. Can she trust James, her old best friend who might have something to hide? For one crazy, hurtling second I heave a sigh of relief; if forced to choose, he is the better option. But then again, I would also rather drown than be eaten by snakes.But whatever happens, Sophie is smart, intelligent, she's a fighter. I attended a weekly karate class with the same fervor as a nun attending Mass. It was three years before my sensei told Marcie that he was afraid I was there for the wrong reasons. I believe the word “bloodthirsty” was used. Right before the phrase “I think you should get her checked out.”And she's completely prepared for whatever the vampires have to throw at her. After a moment of deliberation, I grab the wooden spoon and a knife and do my best to file it into a point. Two thousand years of folklore can’t be that wrong, right?The Vampires: She is gorgeous in a dark, moody way, with thin black brows and long chestnut hair that breaks into a natural wave at her shoulders. If ever there were a girl meant to sit in a smoky café and tell you about the guinea pig that died tragically when she was four, it’s her.*Stifles laughter* Yeah, they're as you'd expect, and they're all sorts of hilarious. From the bumbling Neville, to the cold determination of icy blond Vlad, to gorgeous, mournful Marisabel, to...Violet. Who is absolutely batshit crazy. “Can I ask you a question?” Violet asks. “Let us say that you liked this boy. You liked him so much that you didn’t care that your family and friends said that it would end badly. You think he admires you as well, so you give him everything that he could ever want. But what does he do? Does he stay with you forever? No! He ignores you and goes off to live who knows where.” Her voice cracks, and she lets go of my arm to flounce back into her seat. “I am at a loss,” she hiccups, holding the handkerchief to her mouth. “Do you think I should give him a lock of my hair? Maybe he is unaware that I still care.”Honestly, the girls are a lot more fun than the guys. They're hysterical in one moment, calmly cool the next. The guys are just plain awkward. This book plays on all the vampire tropes, and it's absolutely hilarious. I loved seeing the "vampires" interact with one another. I loved leader Vlad's frustration as it seems like his plan and his "friends" aren't going anywhere as planned. “Can you believe them? Neville does nothing but attach himself to any organization that will have him, and Violet...yesterday Violet asked if I wanted to participate in a ‘quiz’ that will tell me what my ‘best fall look’ is,” he says. “What does that even mean?”Sophie: “And you’re stronger?”Meet Sophie, whose knowledge of vampires is restricted to Twilight. She's not dumb at all, but she's just silly enough to be endearing. Sophie is intelligent, she's a natural investigator and journalist, but she's not Too-Stupid-To-Live. She runs when there's danger. Sophie fights back when needed. I’m just about to start my return creep across the yard when a figure darts through the far hallway. For a second my shocked brain scans for a “Stop, drop, and roll” sort of acronym that explains what to do when you’re about to be caught spying. I decide on RLH—Run Like Hell.What I love about Sophie is her sense of humor. Sophie has a deadpan internal narrative that made me giggle, she constantly makes snarky observations. “Wonderful,” Vlad says, and then probably follows it with something else ridiculous (“Your hair is like sunlight in space” or “Let’s greet the dawn with kisses”).She's not altogether rational, she relies on gut instinct sometimes, against reason, but I understand her choices. Altogether, Sophie is an awesome narrator. The Romance: In reality our relationship consisted of hair pulling (age six), doll vandalism (age eight), and relentless teasing about my freckles (age eleven). Not exactly Romeo and Juliet, but try telling Marcie that. Luckily he moved away to New York before either one of us had to drink poison or kill a cousin.The romance in this book was really light, and thoroughly adorable. There is no insta-love. Sophie and James have known each other almost their whole lives, until he moved away...and turned into something else. James isn't your standard Edward Cullen. He does shit like climb through windows in the dark of night, but Sophie proceeds to kick the crap out of him when he does. Now I channel all of my anger and lingering fear into one mighty upward chop to the nose. When he covers his face, I bend my knees up and use my legs to pop him off of me before rolling sideways and scrambling to my feet, my legs still shaky from the adrenaline.*cheers* They're an equally matched pair. James respects her. She respects him. James is never a creeper, and although he's made difficult choices in the past, I understood why he made his (really stupid) choices, and I really liked them as a couple. “It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. You can’t kick me more than I’ve kicked myself.”Overall, great book, with likeable characters and a lot of humor. Recommended. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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May 17, 2014
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May 17, 2014
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Paperback
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3.66
| 1,198,160
| May 13, 2014
| May 13, 2014
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it was ok
| Once upon a time there were three bears who lived in a wee house in the woods. Once upon a time there were three bears who lived in a wee house in the woods.It was a better coming of age than Catcher in the Rye, but I also thought Twilight was a better coming-of-age than Catcher in the Rye (fuck you, Holden Caulfield). It wasn't a terrible book. I've read far worse. It's just that the writing style sometimes get on my nerves. The sentences are sometimes written fully, and oftentimes it just goes like this out of freaking nowhere. For no freaking. Reason at all. If that's the kind of thing that bothers you. Then you should probably avoid this book. This book has almost no plot. It is full of odd sentence structures and purple prose. The entire book is about a poor-little-rich-girl living with a poor-little-rich-family with the kind of ending that makes you go "WHAT THE ACTUAL KIND OF M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN FUCKERY IS THIS?!" It's not terrible. But there's almost no plot at all. The "Liars" are more "Talkers," and they have almost no relevant role in the book because this book is about a pretentious girl with nothing but #whitegirlproblems and #richpeopleproblems. The aforementioned "Liars" don't do anything in this book, they're not witty, they're not cute, they don't give off the sense of closeness and kinship that you get from growing up with someone their entire life. Hell, they're nowhere near Dead Poets Society kind of interesting. This is a coming of age, and nothing more. It has the kind of writing style that's often choppy like this. Commas are sometimes used. And sometimes not. Haphazardly. With no punctuality. No pun intended. Sentences are fragmented. The main character sometimes. Has the tendency to use overwrought, run on metaphors. To describe herself. And her headaches. Such as a helicopter blown by the wind tossed by the torrential rain in the wilds of Alaska felt by a little Eskimo girl during the first whispers of a glacial spring with the scent of violets and hints of lavender in the fields of Grasse. The Summary: My full name is Cadence Sinclair Eastman.Poor little Cadence Sinclair is wealthy. She is loved. She is one of the Sinclairs, a good-looking "old-money Democrat" family, think the Kennedys, without the political aspirations. They have names like Liberty, Taft, and Tipper. They go to Ivy League schools. They have trust funds. They have sired a generation of children, the leader of which is Cadence. Cadence and her crew call themselves "The Liars." The Liars are composed of her cousins Mirren, Johnny, and the outcast "Healthcliff," Indian love interest, Gat. The Liars supposedly cause trouble. They don't really. They do almost nothing. Cadence herself is sick. She is prone to theatrics, and she is not-so-secretly in love with Gat. She gets headaches. She feels self-pity. She is privileged. She doesn't realize it. This is the story of a wealthy, beautiful family. It’s a beautiful night, and we are indeed a beautiful family.This is the story about a girl's headaches. Why did I go into the water alone at night?This is a story about The Liars. And their spectacularly brilliant conversations for the entire fucking summer. They have baby oil spread on their bodies. Two bottles of it lie on the grass. “Aren’t you afraid you’ll get burned?” I ask.They're not the only ones bored out of their mind. The Writing: I plunge down,I really have a problem with the writing, but this is just a matter of taste. But then again, I've never been a fan of this type of prose. Needless to say, I don't like e.e. cummings. The writing is so often choppy, haphazardly punctuated. The first-person narrator also has a tendency to use very, very dramatic imagery to describe situations. Some situations are false. Then he pulled out a handgun and shot me in the chest. I was standing on the lawn and I fell. The bullet hole opened wide and my heart rolled out of my rib cage and down into a flower bed. Blood gushed rhythmically from my open wound,That, there, was a description of how she FELT. It confused me as fuck until I realized that she didn't actually get hurt, which made it even more confusing when she did actually hurt herself. Every time Gat said these things, so casual and truthful, so oblivious—my veins opened. My wrists split. I bled down my palms. I went light-headed.I thought that was her being overdramatic again, until I realized that the guy was fucking bandaging her up afterwards. The main character has a huge tendency to use purple prose. She describes her migraines like they were the end of the world, which, I understand to some people they might be, but if you're getting a fucking migraine, there's really no bloody need to get all freaking poetic about it. A witch has been standing there behind me for some time, waiting for a moment of weakness. She holds an ivory statue of a goose. It is intricately carved. I turn and admire it only for a moment before she swings it with shocking force. It connects, crushing a hole in my forehead. I can feel my bone come loose. The witch swings the statue again and hits above my right ear, smashing my skull. Blow after blow she lands, until tiny flakes of bone litter the bed and mingle with chipped bits of her once-beautiful goose.That entire passage is one of many throughout the book about her headaches. I just couldn't take it. The Main Character: “You’re filled with superiority, aren’t you? You think you understand the world so much better than I do. I’ve heard Gat talking. I’ve seen you eating up his words like ice cream off a spoon. But you haven’t paid bills, you haven’t had a family, owned property, seen the world. You have no idea what you’re talking about, and yet you do nothing but pass judgment.”Poor-little-rich-girl syndrome. She's beautiful, but wounded, and "mysterious" and revered, just for the sake of her blood alone, for the sake of her family's name alone. Think about it. If you were a Kennedy, it doesn't matter if you look like an elephant stepped on your head when you were born. People are still going to love you and worship you and whisper your name with reverence because you're a motherfucking Kennedy. It's this way with the Sinclairs, only there's no paparazzi following them around. All of the benefits, and no family curse. But somehow Cadence finds a way to be a rebel-without-a-cause anyway. She's rich. She's hypocritical about her wealth because she criticizes her own fucking family for being wealthy. She does stupid shit like give things away to random people because she can. Before the summer is over, Cadence's room will have been empty because she keeps giving shit away for no fucking reason. Cadence is unaware of others. She is spoiled. She takes her wealth for granted. She doesn't pay any attention to "the help." One night, the four of us ate a picnic down on the tiny beach. Steamed clams, potatoes, and sweet corn. The staff made it. I didn’t know their names.I'm sorry, but I can't sympathize with such a whiny person who's completely unaware of how privileged she is, headaches be damned. “Who are Ginny and Paulo?”The Love Interest: “You’re saying Granddad thinks you’re Heathcliff?”Gat is the only interesting character in the book. He is Indian-American. Gat Patil. He is the nephew of her aunt's boyfriend, and they've known each other for years. He is self-aware. Too self-aware in the pretentious way that teenagers can often be, but his character feels authentically teenaged. I liked him. He is accepted into The Liars, but he's not altogether accepted in the family. Because of his skin color, because of his lack of family money, he feels left out. And I can sympathize with him. “I’m not saying he wants to be the guy who only likes white people,” Gat went on. “He knows he’s not supposed to be that guy. He’s a Democrat, he voted for Obama—but that doesn’t mean he’s comfortable having people of color in his beautiful family.”Gat is intelligent. Reasonable. Likeable. And I wonder why the fuck he cares about a waste of air like Cadence. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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May 16, 2014
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May 16, 2014
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Kindle Edition
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1442477180
| 9781442477186
| 1442477180
| 3.69
| 982
| May 06, 2014
| May 06, 2014
|
did not like it
| “Daddy, no!” I shouted.Meet Eros, the Greek Goddess of Love. She never stops f “Daddy, no!” I shouted.Meet Eros, the Greek Goddess of Love. She never stops fucking wailing. This is one of the worst books based on Greek mythology that I've ever read. To make matters worse, it's told from THREE POVs. People usually get wiser with age, for example, I used to be afraid that monsters would munch on my toes while I slept. That ended when I was 20, so clearly, I gained some wisdom over 10 years. One would think that after several fucking millennium, a fucking Greek goddess would have developed a few fucking brain cells in her dumb fucking head. One would think the goddess of love would know better than to fall into desperate, desperate love after knowing someone for all of six fucking months. In Greek mythology, Eros is supposed to be the Greek god of love (not to be confused with his mother, Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty). Like this. [image] You're welcome. Instead, we get THIS. [image] This is Eros, aka Cupid. Aka the little naked dude on cheesy Valentine's Day Cards that shoot arrows into people's hearts and make them fall in insta-love who is now turned into a stupid teenaged female. Needless to say, Eros has played an unseen and unnamed role in much of YA literature. In this book, Eros is the Greek goddess of love, and she shows no more intelligence than a particularly stupid 16-year old girl, and by saying that, I think I might be insulting all the 16-year old girls out there, because there's no denying the fact that Eros is a stupid fucking moron who's probably been indulging in too much Bacchanalia. The Summary: Orion was my soul mate. Orion, who had bedded Eos and dallied with Artemis and gotten himself killed by her and her awful brother, Apollo. Orion, the notorious egomaniac, the most reckless thrill seeker who’d ever lived, a mortal I was still getting to know. He was, in many ways, my polar opposite, but he was my one and only home.The Ancient Greek goddess of love, Eros, has fallen in love with Orion (as in the constellation dude) after a few months. He is her sooooooooul maaaaaate, man. No matter what anyone else says about him, dude, Eros knows that he is THE ONE, man! After several tremendously long months of courtship, Eros declares her undying love for Orion! “I’d rather die than live without you.”And BOOM! Daddy Ares (the god of war) appears. Orion shits his pants, because, well, hello? You don't fuck around with an angry father, and you particularly don't fuck around with an angry father who IS THE GOD OF WAR. A deafening crack of thunder shook the ground beneath our feet, sending us staggering together into the nearest tree trunk.(DADDY! NO!!!!!! Eros wails) [image] (DADDY! NOOOOOOOOOOO! Eros wails) DON'T MESS WITH ARES, MOTHERFUCKER. And since Eros is such a wonderful daughter, she tries to shoot her father in the back. With a bow in my hands I never failed. With a bow in my hands I was the purest version of myself. I pulled back and let fly. The hunting arrow zipped through the air, headed directly for its target. Headed for my father’s heart.She shoots her dad. To protect her boyfriend. Of six months. Such a filial thing to do. Long story short, Eros isn't supposed to be fucking around (literally) with a mortal. She's in deep deep shit. Zeus (here referred to as "The King," and "Your Grace," and "Your Majesty," like what the FUCK, man?!) sends Eros to Earth as punishment. Her mission to get back into grace and to save Orion's life? “You will be banished to Earth without your powers. You will be, essentially, a mortal. You will then prove your worth to me by forming true love between three couples with no godly tricks up your sleeve,” Zeus continued. “Only then will you be allowed to return to Mount Olympus.”Simple, right?! I mean, Eros has only been watching humans and making them fall in love for thousands of years. How hard can this be?! First: choose a name that blends in. At the very top of the page in front of me was a space for my name and my birth date, which had been left blank. At least the king had given me that, the chance to choose my own name.Um. Ok, True. Fine. It's fine. Really. It's just a name. We can deal with the name True. Ok, next, be subtle about it all. “Do any of you have girlfriends?” she asked.Ok, it's fine. It's her first day in school. Eros, aka True has been watching humans for thousands of years. Surely she can blend in with them, you know, dress like how they dress. She was wearing a white sweatshirt about ten sizes too big and pink shorts that showed almost every inch of perfect leg. But craziest were the brand-new, shiny, red-and-purple cowboy boots. Which I think she was wearing with no socks.Um, well. I'm sure that's fashionable in some parts of the world. It's fine, whatever her name, whatever she chooses to wear, as long as she's got her eyes on the prize. As long as she's got a subtle way of fulfilling her mission that's not going to draw any attention whatsoever. “I’m going to find you a girlfriend,” I repeated, taking another swig of iced tea. “I’m really good at matching up couples. It’s a special talent of mine.”Fine, that's just, like, the second day of school or whatever. Just give her some time! Eros is smart, she'll surely use her millenium of experience to match couples up. “Another setup?” I whispered.WHATEVER. Just as long as she blends in as a high schooler. She'll fulfil the mission eventually. “Who the hell do you think you are?” I shouted.Needless to say... This was a nightmare.-_- The Greek Gods: “Lmee ’lone,” she muttered. Her breath smelled like rotten grapes. I maneuvered her back onto the mattress and flung the covers over her legs. Her hair was matted in places, and puddles of drool marred one pillow.That...thing, ladies and gentleman, is Aphrodite, Goddess of Love. This book gives us the most one-dimensional portrayal of Greek gods and goddesses that I've ever encountered. Zeus is pockmarked. Ares is petty and only seeks to curry favor. Aphrodite is a drunken slop of a mess when she doesn't get what she wants. One of the most powerful goddessses in the Pantheon, and she's a wreck when she's on earth. Aphrodite does nothing but drink herself into oblivion. She sobs. She wails. She screeches. Artemis is..."the most vile. She has the bark, but not the bite.” Apollo is a nasty, childish idiot. Selene is "a bit of a dimwit." The Greek gods are rarely mentioned in this book, but when they are, they are stupid, foolish, flat characters. Eros AKA True: I leaned forward, horrified. Was that a pimple on my chin?*waaaaaaaaaaails Oh, for fuck's sakes. One would think that an immortal goddess who has been living for thousands and thousands of years would be less of a motherfucking dumbass. Wah I have a pimple. Wah I don't look perfect. Your motherfucking boyfriend of three motherfucking months is going to die, because you tried to fucking KILL YOUR DAD. ISN'T THAT CUTE? Despite watching humans for thousands of years, she hasn't a fucking clue how to blend in. She doesn't know how to dress normally. It was me on vomit day, wearing the band jacket over the long, gauzy dress and jeans Then me in my overalls on Wednesday, that itchy plaid vest I’d sported on Thursday, and finally the purple sweatpants and striped shirt I’d worn on Friday.Despite watching humans, she doesn't know how to blend in at all. She steals. Everything. A scarf. We passed by an open bag on a chair and I saw a pretty plaid scarf peeking out from inside. I grabbed it and tied my hair back from my cheeks.A pair of sunglasses. I looked her up and down through the silver-framed sunglasses I’d taken from an open locker.Other people's food. That iced tea looked good. Refreshing. I picked up the bottle and gulped down half of it. Charlie stared. I placed it down and sighed. My head throbbed a bit more dully.And she steals food from EVERYONE. This is the new girl in school we're talking about. She leaned away from me, sliding wary eyes in my direction. I picked up one of the doughy sticks, dipped it in the vat of maple syrup I’d been provided, and took a bite.Are you fucking telling me you don't know how people behave after watching them all this time? Are you fucking telling me that you don't know how to tell personalities despite having matched people up and observing them for thousands of years. Are you telling me you don't know how to blend in as a NORMAL person and keep attention from yourself? I reached past a tiny girl with blond curls and took a carton of milk and a brown roll.Are you telling me that a Greek goddess who's such a judgmental asshole who calls EVERY GIRL SHE DOESN'T LIKE A BITCH is such a terrible judge of character? After shadowing Veronica this morning, I was certain of one thing: The girl was a two-faced bitch.Are you telling me that a Greek goddess of love can be such a woman-hater? The honors English teacher looked like a Hun and had the personality to match. You’d think she’d be happier, considering she was sporting a gold wedding band and had a picture of herself and her handsome husband framed on her desk. People around here obviously took true love for granted. I would have liked to have seen how she would behave if she’d had that big hunk of masculinity ripped away from her for the gods knew how long. Maybe it would soften her a touch.The Romance: I have to stop. I have a headache. I can't even go on about the fucking mess that is the OTHER romance in this book. Hint: it's about a girl who is ...bogglingly beautiful. So clearly clueless to it. So obviously sweet and shy and vulnerable."...And... ..."Not-Justin-Bieber was standing there, holding my books out to me in a neat stack. Except up close he looked nothing like Justin Bieber. His cheeks were more square and his eyes very, very blue. He was hotter than Justin Bieber. By a lot."Die, book. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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May 15, 2014
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May 15, 2014
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Hardcover
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0802733905
| 9780802733900
| 0802733905
| 3.80
| 13,335
| Feb 26, 2013
| Feb 26, 2013
|
it was amazing
| I sat back in my chair and sighed. “I have to seduce someone,” I announced to my parents. “High school is already destroying my moral code and I ha I sat back in my chair and sighed. “I have to seduce someone,” I announced to my parents. “High school is already destroying my moral code and I haven’t even set foot on the campus yet.”This book was a fucking blast. Every other page had me giggling. I can't even remember the last time I gave anything a 5. This book is about a female sleuth. You might be expecting Nancy Drew, and you'd be so fucking wrong. The main character is more female Johnny English than Nancy Drew. Nancy Drew is far too sophisticated and far too reliant on deus ex machina. This book is about a fiercely competent spy who finds herself a fish out of water...and into high school. Hell might be more easy to crack. The main character is not perfect, the premise and execution of this book is incredibly convincing, despite the premise of a teenaged spy. This is due to the fact that the main character feels so real, and her errors are due to not incompetence, but a lack of experience in an arena she's never been through before. High school is terrifying. I'm sure we can all relate. Why did I love this book so much? - An awesome spy/safe-cracker who is fiercely competent at what she does until she meets her biggest challenge yet...HIGH SCHOOL. She is hilariously believable, sweetly bumbling, and completely convincing. - No insta-love, not an overwhelming amount of romance, and one of the most likeable, sweetest, funniest love interest I've ever encountered in an YA novel. - An awesome female best friend who is the most likeable 17-year old drunk I have ever met. This friend is a cheater, and there is absolutely no slut shaming here. - Fucking fantastic parents: spies who are just twiddling their thumbs bored out of their minds while waiting for their daughter to finish her "job." They're about to learn what it's like to be parents to a high school student...who actually goes to high school. HA! - Angelo: He always gives good advice, too, especially about safecracking and lock picking. It’s like if Tim Gunn and James Bond had a baby, and that baby was Yoda. Angelo’s response? “Who’s Yoda?” The Summary: “I get to go to high school?” I said. “No more homeschooling? Do I … do I finally get an assignment?”Maggie is the 16-year old daughter of spies. Her parents work for an organization called "The Collective," which does a lot of cool shit behind the scenes that us normal mortals don't know about. Tobacco executives on trial because of damning evidence? Human smuggling rings being broken up? The fall of that Peruvian dictator? That’s us.She's a safecracker, a lock breaker, and she is damned good at her job. Except being the daughter of spies who are constantly moving from place to place is pretty fucking boring. She's hardly attended school, she sometimes accompany her parents to different jobs, and she has no friends. She has imaginary conversations with cute boys, but that's pretty much it. Her life is boring. I even managed to mortify myself by having a long-running and completely one-sided “How you doin’?” imaginary conversation with Cute Boy.Maggie is ready for a change. And she gets it! Halle-fucking-lujah! Her assignment: Jesse Oliver. Son of Armand Oliver, a magazine editor. A magazine editor who's about to blow the lid on The Collective. “So you get in through Jesse,” my dad said to me. “This one’s on you, kiddo.”Hooray! Go to high school, get close to Jesse Oliver (who, from a background search, seems to be kind of a loser). “He’s a delinquent!” I yelled out to my parents. “He was arrested for shoplifting last year!”Get into Oliver daddy's safe, steal the information. BOOM. Easy, right? Not exactly. After my first week of high school, I was ready for it to be over.It turns out that The Collective are fucking idiots. How the fuck is Maggie supposed to infiltrate the high school social structure in the middle of the fucking quarter? She's the new girl! She's never been enrolled in school for long! She has no idea what to do! The Collective should have enrolled me on the first day, not three weeks into the semester. What were they even thinking? I didn’t know who made up the Collective, but clearly, there wasn’t a teenage girl among them.To top it off, it's a big fucking school. It's not easy to get close to Jesse Oliver. She hasn't even fucking SEEN Jesse Oliver. She's made a possible friend/spy... I was sure I knew her! Maybe she was a spy, too. Maybe the Collective had two of us infiltrating the system. That would be a first, but hey, it wasn’t any crazier than enrolling me in geometry.But where the fuck is Jesse Oliver?! Maggie's so fed up with this shit, so she calls mommy to complain... “Sorry,” I said immediately. “Look, I can do this. I can do this better than anyone because I am a spy, okay? I am a great spy and—and something is licking me.”Well, fuck. Luckily, Jesse Oliver, like most normal people, thinks she's joking. After all, who in their right mind would believe a 16-year old girl is a spy?! And as it turned out, Jesse's not a bad kid. He's actually kind of nice. Despite the fact that he eats all the cherries out of their pint of shared Cherry Garcia ice cream. I mean, this is the kind of teenaged boy who doesn't flinch when a girl makes a joke about marriage over a cherry-flavored Ring Pop! “Are we sworn now?” he said, his eyes crinkled at the corners.Well, crap. This mission is going to be harder than she thinks, not least because it's KIND of hard to get into his penthouse and sneak around and find a safe and crack it...it's pretty much like finding a needle in a haystack to bring down daddy Oliver. Along the way, Maggie finds that she actually likes being a normal teenager. Somewhere in the deep, shameful part of my heart, I knew that I wouldn’t always be friends with Roux, or even together with Jesse. It wasn’t in the job description, and I had watched my own parents pack up and move so many times that I had lost track. None of this was a surprise.Her parents find out what it's like to be parents to a high schooler for the first time. I entered the code to our front door and opened it carefully. My parents were probably sleeping and I didn’t want to—And can Maggie bear to leave this new, wonderful life behind when the mission is finished? “But how can you expect me to make a choice about my life, my future, when I know only one option? All I know is this job. Yeah, I’m good at safecracking, but what if I’m better at being a normal person? What if it makes me happier?”The Parents: “It’s two thirty in the morning!” my mom cried. “In Manhattan! Do you know all the things that could have happened to you?”OH MY GOD, WE HAVE ACTUAL PARENTS? And they are all sorts of adorable. We have computer hacker mom... She’s an amazing computer hacker, which I think sort of rankles my dad. He’s useless when it comes to electronics. One time, we were in Boston and they got into this huge fight because my dad thought my mom was taking too long to do her job. She just handed him the TiVo remote and said, “Tell me how this works.” And of course he couldn’t, so she was all, “Don’t tell me how to do my job,” and believe me, he doesn’t anymore.To linguist dad. They are cool parents, but they weren't really normal parents, because they were spies first. And really, Maggie's never been a problem. Hell, she tags along safecracking with them on their jobs. So they were parents, but they never did the parenting thing until Maggie goes to school. And damn, they freak out. All of a sudden, their little safecracking darling is STAYING OUT PAST CURFEW and DATING BOYS and MAKING FRIENDS and HAVING SLEEPOVER and I mean WHAT KIND OF HIGH SCHOOL GIRL DOES THAT ANYWAY?. Oh. Well, crap. So Maggie's parents are learning to be parents for the first time, just as Maggie is learning to be a high schooler for the first time. And it is such an awesome learning experience. For me, that is. Maggie: Make nicey-nice with Jesse Oliver? Check! Get into his house so I can scope out his father’s office and see what his safe situation was? Check, check! Foil Dad Oliver’s plan, save the world, and be promoted to head spy of all time? CHECK, CHECK, AND CHECK!AHAHAHAHA. I have to admit that Maggie might come off as immature to some, but to me, she is so endearing. She has the right amount of self-consciousness and immaturity that I totally love. She is so good at what she does (being "beige" and safecracking), but normal things like making friends and going to school is something so completely new for her and she's completely cowardly. “Right back atcha,” I said, taking my class schedule and sauntering out.She is not incompetent, she's just not used to this whole situation. Maggie has never had friends outside of the suited (and awesome) 50-something Angelo. She doesn't have girlfriends. She's never dated. She doesn't know how to flirt. She doesn't know anything but blending in (because spies don't stand out). She is so teenager at times, but she sees her own faults. You know how sometimes you realize you’re doing or saying the wrong thing, but you just can’t stop yourself? You can literally hear the words coming out of your mouth and you just want to shove them back in because the real you, the good you, would never want to be this way, but you just keep going?This book did such a great job of highlighting Maggie's insecurities, with just the right amount of humor. The Romance: “Look,” I said. “I like you. Like, like like you. Like, a lot.”Jesse Oliver made it onto my book boyfriend list. He's just fucking adorable. Initially, he seems like a douche. He shoplifted, he has stupid pictures on his profile. Even Jesse Oliver’s photo page was banal. Hanging out with friends in one shoot, giving the finger in another, hugging a golden retriever in the third.But as it turned out, it's just a facade. I usually hate poor-little-rich-boy tropes, but Jesse is so likeable that I completely forgive him. “It’s like, I have all this luck and wealth and privilege, but who gives a shit? People expect me to be some spoiled brat, so then I act like some spoiled brat—I mean, I stole that book, what a dumbass—but it’s not me at all. And then when I try to act like an upright citizen, volunteer and all that, they accuse me of using my dad’s connections to get ahead. But if I don’t do anything, then my dad gets pissed that I’m not doing anything."The thing with Jesse is that he is such a sweetheart. He never, EVER acts like a jerk to Maggie. He has a sense of humor. He never flinches. His only fault is that he trusts and falls for her too easily (although it's not insta-love). Their romance was so seriously sweet. I feel like I'm swimming in a vat of dark chocolate and getting giddy on a sugar high. “Maggie.” He got up and came over to stand next to me, taking my hand in his. “Would you like to go on a date with me?”Jesse is not smooth. He's the biggest dork in the whole world, as you can tell from that quote above, and I absolutely adore him for it. Overall: a fantastically fun book. Even better than Prep School Confidential. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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May 11, 2014
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May 12, 2014
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May 11, 2014
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Hardcover
| |||||||||||||||
1599907879
| 9781599907871
| 1599907879
| 3.59
| 7,219
| Mar 26, 2013
| Mar 26, 2013
|
did not like it
|
Actual rating: 1.5 "‘Don’t whine to your spouse about your daily troubles. He’s had a harder day providing for you and your children.’ This is whatActual rating: 1.5 "‘Don’t whine to your spouse about your daily troubles. He’s had a harder day providing for you and your children.’ This is what you’re aspiring to? To be some guy’s house slave?”This book is vapid, at best. It's cute, sure, if you don't really want to think about it too much. There was a lot lacking from this book, mainly, depth. The main character comes off as a whiny, selfish child who can't stop crying, instead of an actual young woman growing up and trying to overcome her heartbreak in a realistic way. It tries too hard to be cute, and the "vintage" premise was executed so halfheartedly that there was really no fucking point. There is a love triangle involving two cousins, a insipid, whiny 12-going-on-16 main character, who can't stop thinking about ME ME ME ME ME ME. Her sister. Her mother. Her grandmother. They need to pay more attention to poor wittle Mallory. If she has time? Doesn’t she get what I’m telling her? [Grandma] has changed, and not for the better. I know she’s still dealing with the loss of Grandpa, but we’re all dealing with something, and she should be more aware of that. More aware of me.This is what I want to do to the main character. [image] This is the story of a girl who decides that life would be REALLY, REALLY AWESOME IF SHE WENT VINTAGE. That is, live life as she would if she had been a teenager living in 1962. Let's see, let me rack my brain. What was life like in the 1960s?! - Sexual inequality! Women made 2 cents (a rough estimation) for every dollar a man made. Why hello, there, Don Draper, how you doin'?! - Segregation! If you're black, get back! To the back of the bus, that is. Don't touch the white-only drinking fountains! - War movements! The Vietnam war and shit, give peace a chaaaaaaaance, man! All those war protests in Berkeley and throughout the country? Whatever. Mallory? Fuck all that shit. For her, the 1960s means wearing pretty vintage clothing and be secretary of a pep club! Not the president, just the secretary. That's the woman's place, after all! The Summary: "I am so over this decade, this century.”Mallory has the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. Jeremy is a dream come true, even if his cousin, Oliver is pretty awesome, too! I mean, right in the beginnig, we get this lovely little passage about dear ole Oliver. I don’t know much about Oliver, but who does? I think that mysterious aloofness is part of his image. He was nice enough to give me a birthday card that night with a twenty-dollar gift card to Outback. Outback? That’s the way to get in good with your cousin’s girl.It's not like it's a hint that Oliver's going to be the future love interest while she's still dating Jeremy or anything, no! *rolls eyes* AAAAANYWAY. Jeremy's the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. I mean, he's good-looking, he makes fun of how much she eats. “Really? You’re hungry?” he asks. “Even after Pizza Hut?”He makes her do his homework for him. This guy is a keeper. Best. Boyfriend. Ever. So it comes as a total blow when Jeremy does something like cheat on Mallory with an online girlfriend. That's right, Jeremy the Amazing Asian Tool has a SimCity-like account, where he's been slutting it out with an avatar named BubbleYum. Mallory is furious. She "hacks" into his "FriendSpace" account, exposes him for the cheating cheater he is, and breaks up with him. And then she gets tons of hate messages blaming HER for their breakup. Clearly, technology is to blame. Evil, evil technology. “If Jeremy didn’t have a computer or the Internet, he wouldn’t have met BubbleYum. If I didn’t have this cell phone, strangers couldn’t text me threats. Technology is the reason my life is falling apart.” My voice rises. I’ve never felt this passionate about anything before—the world, or my world at least, is suddenly so much clearer, like everything before was a big surface float, and now, for the first time, I’m diving into the deep end of life.Uh huh. So dramatic. Much passion. Wow. Solution = go back to the past, specifically, 1962. Mallory finds a list that her 16-year old grandmother made in 1962, and seeks to emulate it. Junior Year: Back-to-School Resolutions:Uh. Ok. It doesn't quite turn out as planned, because the only thing Mallory has down pat is the clothes. Sixties dresses are so cute! Other stuff...doesn't work quite well. For one thing, she really didn't think the situation through at all. Like how the fuck is she supposed to give up the Internet when she SIGNED UP FOR A CLASS ABOUT THE INTERNET. “You knew when you signed up for the class that most of this unit involves the Internet.”And she throws a fucking fit when her sister Ginnie actually makes her follow through on her promise and bans her from using technology. Another Post-it note where my alarm clock used to be.Who cares about historical accuracy, anyway! Block all the bad stuff out! I check out the Industrial Revolution books, but don’t bother with the sixties stuff. I’m worried history will only discredit my sunshiny hypothesis.Uh huh. Way to make a plan and not follow through with it. Not to mention, Mallory cheats on both her "vintage" vow and her paper---she plagiarizes from the Internet. I type Industrial Revolution right onto the main page search engine, and instantly a million possibilities pop up. Thank you. Thank you. Ask and you shall receive. I could probably type in Completed Industrial Revolution Paper and find five reports to combine into one.So really, what's the fucking point? It's ok, though, no matter what she does, dear Oliver will always thinks she's so quirky and beautiful and adorkable. “Because I like being around you.” He’s still looking out the window, and I wonder if he’s focusing on one object when he says this and what that object is. “I probably shouldn’t, but I do. And I can’t say why. I mean, I can think of a bunch of reasons why.”Mallory: The way he describes me, like I’m this vapid girl who doesn’t care about deeper things … that’s so off.Except, it's not off. Mallory behaves like an idiot child. [image] She cries over hula figures. To clarify, these things you put on your dashboard. [image] Reaction (over-reaction?): "He has three hula girls on the dash, three more in the back. I wonder what they think behind those vacant smiles, their plastic shells. These are women who will never wear a shirt, who must spend their existence dancing on demand. There’s something so sad about that, about me, about this situation, that the tears come hot and fast." Mallory is immature. She doesn't think things through. Her reaction to the most minor fucking thing is to pat herself on the back. I should push a little more than usual, make this something worthwhile. I’m here already, right?She sets a challenge for herself, to "go vintage" only she constantly whines about it, and constantly cheats on it. And her "living dangerously?" I just need to figure out living dangerously, which might involve eating the cream cheese and sausage mixture Ginnie is presently concocting.Pfffffffffft. To take a phrase from my friend Emily May. This is Sunday School rebellion. It's sad, pathetic, and so insipid it's not even cute. She doesn't really want to think about the deeper side of the sixties, all she wants to see is the pretty pretty clothes and simple times. She hates it when people don't pay attention to HER. She expects people like her mother and grandmother to know just how she's feeling, and leave her alone when she wants to be left alone and give her attention when she wants it. “It doesn’t sound fine. Are you sure you don’t want to talk?”Her Mother: She thinks she has a right to know my everything just because she had a forty-hour natural labor with me. My life would be so much easier if she would have just taken that stupid epidural.[image] There is a constant attempt at villifying her own mother that I just don't quite get. From what I read, her mother is just the right amount of attentive, only our dear little When we walk into a store, guys always check out my mom first, taking in her tight body and large chest before noticing that she’s in her forties, not twenties.Her mother is a hard working mom who is the family breadwinner. She is a caring mom, and Mallory, in her selfish way, can't see it. She constantly complain about her mom not understanding her, when she's doing everything she can to shut her out whenever her mother asks her any sort of question about her life. Mallory comes off as nothing more but a selfish, stubborn, childish girl. The Romance: There is a love triangle between Mallory, her ex-boyfriend Jeremy, and his cousin, Oliver. Why am I thinking about Jeremy?She is. She constantly thinks about Jeremy after their breakup, which is annoying, but believable. I look down at my wedge, and notice the head of lettuce looks like Jeremy’s head, that the bits of bacon could easily be his eyes, the tomatoes his mouth, and—But meanwhile, she's got feelings for Oliver, too. Jeremy is doing everything he can to get Mallory back, while Oliver plays the kind, understanding, all sorts of supportive friend who wants to be something more. In order for me to understand the romance, I have to support the characters. I liked Oliver, despite his "hipster" ways, but I can't, for the life of me, understand why the fuck he's in love with the utter birdbrain that is Mallory. Overall: this book is the equivalent of a 6-year old refusing to eat bacon for a week after reading Charlotte's Web, and the main character has the same mental age. Not recommended. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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May 10, 2014
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May 11, 2014
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May 08, 2014
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Hardcover
| |||||||||||||||
0545476992
| 9780545476997
| 0545476992
| 3.62
| 4,817
| Mar 01, 2013
| Mar 01, 2013
|
it was ok
| “So you’re cool that he only showed interest in you once you got all glam?”The book's title is rather misleading, “So you’re cool that he only showed interest in you once you got all glam?”The book's title is rather misleading, for one, there's no "revenge." For another, the sorta-but-not-really-"revenge" of the "girl with the great personality" is to become hot. :\ I get it. This is an YA book, and in the scheme of adolescent thinking, beauty is everything. I'm trying not to offend any high schoolers here, but generally, the teenaged mind seeks the most simple explanation, and in this book, the solution for lack of popularity with the boys, for not having your parents' attention, for lack of a boyfriend, is in a person's looks, or lack thereof. Again, this is just my own experience, but in my high school, nobody really cared about dating or getting a guy or becoming hot, which is why I found it so hard to connect to the main character from the way I felt as a teen. The teenaged years are never good years, I think it's the same across the board. Upon reflection, the adult version of us will realize that it takes more than good looks to win a guy, and even the most beautiful person can be so tremendously alone, seeking for love in all the wrong places. Happily married supermodels are quite rare, it seems. I was an socially awkward teen who didn't know how to talk to people. I was gangly, awkward, flat-chested, and never once in my high school life did I feel like I was a failure at life because I couldn't get a boy. Throughout high school, I didn't have a single date. I never got asked to a single dance. And I never thought the problem was because I wasn't hot or pretty enough. [image] I could barely string together two words in public (and look at me now!). I didn't have a great personality, because I was kind of the depressed angry sanctimonious little snits once you got around to talking to me, and I realized that. I had more to worry about than how I looked, because, like the sanctimonious little snit I was, I was too busy worrying about the existential crisis of life (true story, I carried around Sartre like the fucking Bible). So forgive me if, from my own experience, I found the main character rather hard to relate to. I know that this is an YA novel, but I want the situation and the character to be framed in a way that I could understand the character, even if I couldn't relate to her. This book didn't do that for me. The kind of "become hot, get a boyfriend!" message is kind of a shallow one. Because this is a growing-up type of book, the main character overcomes, but it's still a really, really shallow message, made furthermore by the complete lack of character transformation. The main character likes the fact that she's hot and she's got boys looking at her BECAUSE she's hot in one moment, only to throw a hissy fit that she feels like she's only seen for her looks and not her personality in the next 5 minutes. It's contradictory, it's hypocritical. This book has: - A caricature of a pageant family. Think Honey Boo Boo, complete with the grossly obese, obsessed mom living vicariously through her youngest daughter's success in pageantry - A shallow main character without the "great personality" in the first place, as far as I can see - Fat AND thin shaming. Her mother is shamed for stress-eating and becoming obese. A thin, beautiful Mean Girl is accused of having an eating disorder. - A very shallow portrayal of beauty. Those who are beautiful must be shallow, those who aren't beautiful must be worth more in character - A love triangle that pissed me off more than your average love triangles The Summary: Most trouble usually starts with a boy. But he’s not just any boy. No, he’s possibly the most amazing, hottest, and sweetest boy ever known to teenage kind.Lexi is a cool girl. She's got a lot on her plate, like an overbearing pageant mom, and an unbearably bratty 7-year old baby sister Mac, the competitor in said pageants. Mac is the pretty one. Lexi has always been the girl with the "great personality." And it kind of sucks. When a guy uses great personality to describe a girl, it’s the polite way of saying fat and ugly.Except she's not fat. She's not ugly. She just can't get the boy of her dreams, Logan to notice her. Ok, the other part of why she can't have Logan may be due to the fact that Logan is the happy boyfriend of the school beauty queen. But Lexi's fed up with being ignored. I know that once I leave high school and go to college, it’ll be different. There’s got to be someone out there who’s willing to give a girl with a great personality a shot.But she'd fed up with biding her time. She wants her future now. She has a gay friend named Benny who's pretty sick of being ignored by the guy of his dreams, too. They make a plan, change themselves, change their lives. A makeover and a dress? There is a very good chance no one will even recognize me on Monday.It works. The only problem is that it works too well, and instead of attracting the boy of her dreams (who has a girlfriend), she attracts the attention of Taylor, the school football star, instead. Is Taylor in love with the person Lexi is underneath, or does he only see her newly-improved appearance? Will Lexi stop thinking of one guy while she's with another? “I should be jumping for joy that I’m with somebody as amazing as Taylor, but now all I can think about is that Logan is going to be there. And that he might dance with me.”The Family: This isn't the sort of family you can usually relate to in a contemporary YA novel. Lexi's family is all sorts of weird. For one thing, her mom is a woman hell-bent on making her 7-year old daughter, Mac, into a tiny pageant queen. Her mom also has problems with overspending, she goes so far as to slap Lexi, to call her ugly, to constantly snub Lexi in favor or the adored child Mac, she steals $4,000 from Lexi, and she has a problem with overspending (which makes them constantly in debt) and with overeating, which is why she is grossly obese. While I know genetics are partially responsible, I also know that she gained over a hundred pounds after Dad left. She stopped taking care of herself, and just kept eating. The only thing that would get her out of her rut was pageants.Her mother is just so outrageous, she's the epitome of everything that one can caricature from a reality show, and I expect a little more realism from a book. Lexi: Taylor didn’t pay attention to me until I glammed up. But so what? I was a drab version of myself — why would he want to be with someone like that? It’s no wonder guys would never give me the time of day.The trouble with Lexi is that her journey into looking better devolved into shallowness. We started off with Lexi KNOWING she is a good person, if only people would notice her beyond her fairly plain appearance. After she started making herself over, Lexi became a different person. She makes justifications when guys start noticing her, she starts feeling like she should have tried to be more beautiful all along. “Well, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to show up in sweats and no makeup and see how he reacts? Did you ever think that maybe I like to dress up? That I like to wear makeup?”She starts lying to herself and ignoring the completely pragmatic advice of her best friend, who's just well-meaning and giving her the big overall pressure. Telling her to not be so quick to rejoice that a boy who has never noticed her before suddenly sees her now that she's "glammed up." “He never really paid much attention to you, and then you become a fancy version of yourself and suddenly you seem to matter. It’s a little insulting.”She starts ignoring her best friend, Cam, she of the sage advice, for her new bf. Cam agrees and, yet again, assures me that she’s okay. But I feel like I’ve let her down. I did the one pageant thing I swore I’d never do: Step on whoever to get to the top.Because she doesn't like Cam's way of giving her the cold truth. Which makes it all the MORE baffling when Lexi starts getting pissy at Taylor and accusing him of liking her only for her looks when she was completely ok that he apparently noticed her improved appearance a few weeks ago. “Oh, come on. You didn’t show any interest in me until I started dressing like all those Glamour Girls at school. Don’t pretend you care about anything but how I look.”The Romance: “Oh, so you realized that I was at the table.”So Lexi got herself a new boyfriend after her glamorization. Taylor may be a jock, but he's a pretty awesome guy. He's nice, attentive, sweet. The only trouble is that Lexi is constantly dreaming of her crush, Logan, while she's with Taylor. Logan has a girlfriend. Lexi now has a boyfriend in Taylor. She still has feelings for Logan. I try to shake off the jealous feeling that’s overwhelming me. I thought that as Taylor and I got more serious I’d stop obsessing over Logan, but old habits (and delusional fantasies) die hard.She never, ever stops thinking about Logan throughout the entire book, and shall I emphasize that she's still dating Taylor? I don’t even know if I like Taylor. He’s gorgeous, so I’d be stupid not to. But because I’m pathetic, all I keep thinking about is Logan. I was hoping that once I had a real date with a real boy my Logan delusions would end, or at least subside.And she can't stop comparing her fantasies of the Best Kiss Ever with Logan while Taylor's taken her out on a date and didn't try to make a move on her. “Wait a second.” Benny snaps me back to reality. “So because he didn’t shove his tongue down your throat, you’re convinced that he’s not into you? Has the thought ever crossed your mind that he’s being a gentleman?”So in conclusion, Lexi thinks she's an awful person for having feelings for two guys at the same time, one of whom is the sweetest guy ever. “Oh, it’s … I think I’m an awful person.”And I would have to agree. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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May 30, 2014
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May 03, 2014
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Hardcover
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0545140315
| 9780545140317
| 0545140315
| 3.77
| 27,820
| 2010
| Jan 01, 2010
|
it was ok
| "Oh, really?" Rosanna rolled her eyes dramatically, "How convenient that you decide to change the rules after you go on a date with the hottest guy "Oh, really?" Rosanna rolled her eyes dramatically, "How convenient that you decide to change the rules after you go on a date with the hottest guy in school! Maybe it shouldn't be called the Lonely Hearts Club -- maybe you should call it the Rules Will Change When Convenient For Penny Club!"In the ancient Greek comedy, Lysistrata, fed up with all the warmongering, the women of Greece to withhold sex in a revolt to try to end the Peloponnesian War. If those intrepid women's mission to give up romance and love had lasted as short as the one waged by the main character within this book, the war might still be happening right now. Because Penny Lane's vow to GIVE UP ALL THE BOYSES lasts all of 5 minutes. Yay. Bravo. Much endurance. Very patience. Such stoicism. Wow. Not. This book was terrible. I don't think Elizabeth Eulberg's YA comtemporary books are for me at all, because this is the third such I've read with disastrous consequences. 1. The heroine shows all the signs of being a contemporary Mary Sue including having a special name ("Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes"- The Beatles). She is beautiful without knowing it. ALL THE BOYSES FALL FOR HER. Etc. 2. The portrayal of teenaged females as completely shallow character whose lives revolve around that of their boyfriends and crushes 3. A theme of BOYS ARE NOT EVERYTHING that completely, utterly fails 4. An extremely juvenile way of viewing a group of people, in this case, boys, as EBIL EBIL EBIL creatures. It's so fucking 3rd grade. He was a guy. A guy guy. As far as I was concerned, he probably had the dead bodies of small children and puppies hidden in his locker.The Summary: "Are you even kidding me? Every time you're around Ryan, you flirt up a storm."Penny Lane is done with boys. D. O. N. E. So she says. Her boyfriend Nate just dumped her because she won't put out. And now that she's newly single, Penny is starting to see how HORRIBLE EVIL BAD boys are. I mean, they ruin everything they touch. They turn perfectly good, smart girls into mindless, devoted idiots, slave to their selfish EBIL EBIL EBIL needs. From the hipsters to the musicians to the jocks. I couldn't help but wonder why it was that a guy could find two good girls to date at the same time, when we girls couldn't even find one decent guy.Anything with a penis = trouble. And it's not just the boys that are the problem, it's the girls, too. The girls at her school are so fucking shallow. "The guys in the Elite Eight aren't the problem," Morgan said. "Those girls are so shallow and have zero -- and I mean zero -- things to discuss outside of their boyfriends."So, fed up with boys, Penny decides to form the Lonely Hearts Club. I would stop torturing myself by dating loser guys. I would enjoy the benefits of being single. I would, for once, focus on me. Junior year would be my year. It would be all about me, Penny Lane Bloom, sole member and founder of The Lonely Hearts Club.Famous last words. Word gets out, and the girls at school think this is a fab, fab (not to be confused with the Fab Four Beatles, with whom Penny's parents are obsessed) idea. Before she knows it, Penny is famous, and practically all the girls at her school are joining it. Giving up boys! Enjoying time with each other! What could be a better idea! Well, for one, Penny's starting to notice her best friend Diane's ex, Ryan. Diane and Ryan are THE couple. A jock, a cheerleader. Super popular, they've been dating since 7th grade. That's a long fucking time in grade school years, and they've just broken up. And now Penny's got her eyes on Ryan. So much for her vow of chastity, or, whatever. They go on a date. Or, well, not a date, because SHE'S NOT WEARING A FUCKING BLACK TOP Rita and I had joked that guys always wore that on a first date while girls always wore jeans and a black top. Since I wasn't wearing a black top, this was clearly not a date.Except Ryan sees it as a date. "First date?"And then, well, maybe it's time to relax the rules. "I started this club because I was sick of guys. But as the Club has grown, I've noticed that it's more about focusing on ourselves, and that we're really good at that. So now I think maybe our focus shouldn't be on never dating a guy, but on keeping true to your friends. if one of us wants to go --"Are you fucking serious? The Premise: All members agree to stop dating men (or, if referring to the male population at McKinley High, "little boys") for the rest of thy high school existence.Those be the rules of the Lonely Hearts Club. It's a pretty neat little club, because although it's not true for everyone, relationships tend to bring out the worst of us sometimes. "And then when we do find someone we think is special, we forget about our friends." I tried not to look at Diane. "Or we change something about ourselves to please a guy instead of doing what makes us happy or what we know is right. Why do we do this? Why do we even bother?"But this book vilifies relationships so much. It portrays all the girls within the book as desperate for boys, dependent on boys, and despite the fact that this book is about staying away from boys, it almost fails the Bechdel Test because almost ALL THE FUCKING CONVERSATIONS ARE ABOUT BOYS. And it just fails in the premise. Not only does it has a very silly, juvenile attitude of Boys Have Cooties, the purpose of the book, that of making life more about girlfriends and yourself, just completely gets glossed over because Penny still cares so much about what guys think. I spent more time than necessary hanging up the coats. the entire time I sensed Nate's eyes on my back. And I enjoyed it.And not only that, the founder of the club completely goes against the club's rules. I am on a date with Ryan Bauer.And NOT ONLY THAT, she ends up taking her little crush...way too far -_- I blushed. I needed to take it down a notch before I started making decisions about our china pattern.For fuck's sakes... Penny Lane is Making Me Scratch My Eyes Out: No, that's not the lyrics to the actual Penny Lane song, but it should be, because that's how Penny Lane makes me feel. She is a fucking Mary Sue, y'all. She is beautiful without knowing it. Her beautiful cheerleader friends are all jealous of her and she doesn't know it. "I've always been a little bit jealous of you."Because she can eat eeeeeeeeverything. So many times in the book, her friends are all jealous of Penny Lane's body and how effortless it takes her to maintain it. All the other girls in the book are on a rabbit-food-starvation-camp diet except for her. And she has no idea. She thinks she looks freakish but Penny's also got a great sense of style, without knowing it. "AND you have the coolest style. I choose what I'm going to wear based on what magazines tell me. I look the same as everybody else. But you have your own funky style that nobody else could pull off You always have."Every girl in the book adores her with the exception of a few. They don't fucking mind if Penny date their ex-boyfriend. Fucking gag me please. "You and Ryan are Diane's closest friends. She wants you both to be happy!"Such generosity! So unbelievable! All the boys fall in love with Penny. There's Ryan, of course, there's also ex-asshole Nate, and beloved asshole jock Todd. Naturally, she spurns them all. Except Ryan. RYYYYYYYYYYAN. Overall: Cute premise. Utter failure. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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Jun 15, 2014
|
May 03, 2014
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Hardcover
| |||||||||||||||
1477870067
| 9781477870068
| B00HZ6EEN6
| 3.55
| 2,539
| unknown
| May 01, 2014
|
did not like it
| Even when I was little, I knew I wasn’t like everyone else. Sure, I had the clothes and the shoes and the general skills to win superficial popula Even when I was little, I knew I wasn’t like everyone else. Sure, I had the clothes and the shoes and the general skills to win superficial popularity points. In the last couple years, I’d managed to get involved in stuff like debate and student government, but I’d never managed to be, well, normal.I've read a lot of terrible YA detective novels and this book would fit in perfectly among those unholy terrors. When I saw a YA criminal-investigation book by an actual attorney, I had high hopes, hopes that were, needless to say, dashed to the ground. I do not doubt the author's credentials in the least. I do not doubt her intelligence, I'm sure she's 1000x smarter than I am (they don't give law degrees to idiots), but this book was absolutely terrible. The YA detective novel is a difficult thing to write, the author has to: - Make the situations believable - Give the main character credibility in her actions - Portray her methods realistically, this is, after all, an under-aged character we're talking about) - Not make the actual police and prosecuting attorneys look like incompetent, bumbling fools. This book failed on all fronts. The Summary: Totally normal girls don’t wear four-inch Prada heels to the library, or stalk criminals, or wear four-inch Prada heels while stalking criminals.17-year old Ruby Rose is something else. She's got a 4.0 GPA, she's a gray-eyed blonde, she can fit a cellphone, makeup, several small kittens, in between her breasts (known as "The Cleave")... I felt for the picture of the girl hidden in The Cleave. Next to my other important stuff—cell phone, lip gloss—she was there....and she's famous! My virginity wasn’t exactly a secret. One of those trashy magazines had even broadcast it in an article called “Ruby Rose: The Virgin Vigilante.”Ruby's SWAT sergeant father was killed in action, and ever since his death, Ruby has been determined to mete out justice on his behalf. In her Prada peep-toe shoes. [image] Ruby Rose isn't your average 17-year old, no sir. She's got a closet (named Gladys) full of designer shoes that she can consult for help. I needed a few moments with my oldest and dearest friend: Gladys—aka my shoe closet.She's got a Black SUV called Big Black... Big Black, my overly tinted SUV and current best friend.Not to mention, at the tiny age of 17, Ruby Rose somehow fucking got a license to carry a concealed weapon. Of course, that license to carry is meaningless without a gun, right? Oh, she's got one, too, named Smith. I looked down at the shimmering weapon—aka Smith, my .38 Special Revolver with built-in laser sight that I’d gotten for my Sweet Sixteenth.Is there anything Ruby Rose doesn't name? Ruby Rose can kick! She can fight! She can shoot! She's trained---at the ripe old age of 17---in the SWAT obstacle courses. She can hack into the Orange County Police Department's criminal system!! And all she wants to do is bring justice to the criminals who have escaped the system! But not kill them, no. It's not ok to kill: Ruby Rose doesn't believe in killing. “Liam, it’s never OK to kill,” I said flatly. I had good reason to do it, sure, but that didn’t make it “OK.”Right. So it's just a little confusing when she kills not once... I pulled the trigger.Not twice. I aimed for the largest target area and pulled the trigger. His chest ripped open and his body lost momentum. He would never fight again.Not three times. I renewed my grip on the knife and slashed once as hard as I could, until I felt the blade slide through tissue and hit bone. He went limp.Oh, god, I lost track of the number of people that Ruby-I-Don't-Believe-In-Killing-People killed. “Things have long been out of control, Liam. I have killed, or been responsible for...” I stopped to count with my fingers. “Seven deaths now. Seven!”Killers don't faint! Definitely not. Ruby Rose is SO competent, right? She's killed so many people (while not believing in killing), she's trained her entire life to be a bad-ass motherfucker by her police dad. So naturally, in these situations, Ruby Rose would never do anything so silly as to...faint...right? A falling sensation rushed over me, and a sickening crack echoed through my skull.Shit. Ok. That was just once. That was just a fluke reaction in a school cafeteria, a visceral reaction to something. Surely she would never lose control of the situation and faint again... And I was losing consciousness.Fuck! Ok, that was a bad example. She got caught unaware and poison-darted on the beach because she was canoodling with lover boy. She will NEVER, EVER faint again. Seriously. Never. My world quickly spun out from under me. Swirling. Darkness. Pain. The last thing I saw was Liam, still on the ground, soundlessly calling out my name.OK, THAT WAS SERIOUSLY NOT HER FAULT. I mean, what kind of teen vigilante would expect a criminal to come up behind her and get caught unaware anyway. Who does that?! That's the last time. EVER. A jarring pain stabbed through my chest, and a coughing fit brought me back to reality.That was...I don't know. I mean, whatever. Let's move on now >_< Fine. The fainting thing was a bad example. Despite all her fainting, Ruby Rose of the 4.0 GPA is supremely intelligent. Not idiotic in the least. A teen vigilante so well-educated, so well-prepared as Ruby would never do anything dumb. He’d done it again. He wanted to toy with me. And I’d been stupid, impatient, and impetuous enough to walk right into his trap.Crap. Ok, that was just one example. Surely, having killed so many criminals, having tracked so many of them down, Ruby would never... Ha, I was insane. I was about to sneak out of my nice safe home and go looking for a rapist to convince him to help me. Real smart, Ruby. Best idea ever.Fuck. I give up. The Setting: This book takes place in Huntington Beach, California, in Huntington Beach High School. It could have fooled me. I grew up 5 minutes away from Huntington Beach, California. I still live around there now. I didn't get any sense of place, any sense of location at all in the setting. There were places that were just names. The Huntington Beach Pier, Pacific Coast Highway. I love those places. I drive down there. I take long leisurely summer drives down PCH for sushi with my little sister. I went to high school in Huntington Beach. It's a beautiful town. I'm not quite sure what school Huntington Beach High School has become when in the book, teenagers have "group sex parties" and teachers ditch class to go surfing on high surf days. It's fucking Huntington Beach. People go to the beach year-round. HBHS students are stoners, at worst >_> (can you tell my high school was rivals with them?) This book might as well have taken place in any generic beach town anywhere in the world. I didn't feel any authentic sense of the city. Ruby Rose: Bafflingly inconsistent. She doesn't believe in killing, but somehow she still does it. She's intelligent, yet she constantly walks into fucking stupid situations, and allows herself to be baited into killing people (which is against her beliefs! Gasp!). She's SOOOOOOOOO fucking perfect, yet she constantly puts herself down. Really, it sucks that her father died, but do you really expect us to relate to a 5-million-dollar-trust-fund blond-haired silver-eyed, buxom 4.0 GPA high school student who's got a closet full of designer shoes, who drives a GMC Denali. [image] Who's got the attention of the hottest boy in school, a cheery best friend, the ability to shoot and kick-ass in karate, and a District Attorney mother (whom she hates for some fucking reason)? Excuse me while I play the world's smallest fucking violin for Ruby. Trouble doesn't come looking for her, she seeks it out, and she cries fucking crocodile tears when things don't go her way. Oh, and her mother. Her poor District Attorney mother. Her cougar mother who checks out her boyfriend. Her Botoxed, Restylaned mother. How dare she seek out a career as a politician. How dare she not ignore her own ambition. Fuck that bitch, right, Ruby Rose? The Writing: Oh my god, so much name-dropping. From TMZ (SO MANY MENTIONS OF TMZ) “How about that I killed somebody,” I said. “I’m a Vigilante Teen Assassin. At least that’s what TMZ called me."To UGGs (I can hardly keep track of the shoe brands in this book). To the extremely silly technological references that just sounds completely fucking absurd, even to an actual geek like me. People who like computers don't actually think in computer-speak! - “So what about Taylor?” I asked, wondering why my brain had brought her up at a time like this. It was like my logical brain had a firewall and was trying to override the invading emotions. - I wasn’t drinking her Very Cherry Kool-Aid. And I definitely wasn’t getting the message she was trying to send. Like the physical contact had created a spam filter and her message was just going to the junk file. To the long, pointless, rambling extended metaphors. I stared at his lips. Were they telling the truth? Or were they like chocolate—promising happiness, providing a few moments of heaven, then ultimately betraying me, going behind my back and putting junk in the trunk?The Romance: Liam. Handsome Liam. Liam who might be a killer. It didn’t seem like a fair choice. Chocolate had total power over me—there was no denying my addiction to the dark, creamy crack. Those few moments of bliss were always enough for me to disregard the consequences. So, even if Liam was only chocolate, I wanted to taste a piece.The Romance: Liam. Handsome Liam. Liam who might be a killer. “I nearly killed my father,” he said point-blank, staring at his hands as if they might still have blood on them.Oh, but it's fine that he beat the crap out of his dad! It's just self-defense! “Protecting yourself would be calling the police, not taking a baseball bat and putting your own father in a coma for seven days.”*slow clap* Good fucking job, Ruby Rose. Recommended for people who love stabbing themselves in the eye. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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May 08, 2014
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May 01, 2014
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Kindle Edition
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1442440759
| 9781442440753
| 1442440759
| 3.80
| 33,782
| Sep 18, 2012
| Sep 18, 2012
|
really liked it
| "This is Karma. I’m a bitch. Can you think of anyone who deserves a bitch slap?" "This is Karma. I’m a bitch. Can you think of anyone who deserves a bitch slap?"*sheepishly hands over her "Get Out Of Jail Free" card* Technically, I'm not supposed to like this book. There are no end to clichéd characters, there's not so much a love triangle as a love star or whatever shape there is with way too many pointy ends (my Geometry teacher would be so proud), because it seems like everyone's hooking up with everyone else. If you're a parent, this book is going make you want to home school your child for the rest of high school, if not their life. But fuck it, I had a blast. This book was terrifically fun. Here's why I liked it, despite its flaws: 1. The setting: Northeastern US coastal island. For me, that's the equivalent of catnip 2. REVENGE, BITCHES! Because, really, who doesn't love a good tale of GETTING EVEN 3. No slut shaming:, there's rampant sex, but there's never slut shaming 4. Diversity: ok, fine, there's just one Asian main character, but that's one more than most books have! Thank you, Jenny Han! 5. A surprising amount of darkness: really, really wild teenagers. They hook up, they use drugs, they drink, they're horrible people---they're, erm, teenagers, with all that entails. This book deals with issues like date rape, underaged sex, bullying (in the true sense of the word), and suicide. 6. Who cares about a love triangle or whatever when I can't keep the hookups straight?! It wasn't perfect by any means (and dude, what's with the paranormal thing at the end?!), but really, I had too much fun reading to care. The Summary: Today I told that girl in the bathroom that Reeve would get his, that karma’s a bitch. I meant it when I said it, but now I’m not so sure. I’m sick of waiting for karma. Karma can suck it.It's been a long time since Mary has been back to Jar Island, her ancestral home. She had to leave years ago, due to certain...events. Mary was never a confident person, she's shy, she's socially awkward, but something happened a few years ago that broke her down. She had to leave the island. Now 17, Mary has chosen to return. Why? She hopes to catch the attention of a boy. Will he recognize me, I wonder? Part of me hopes he doesn’t. But the other part, the part that left my family to come back, hopes he does. He has to. Otherwise, what’s the point?Ah, but it's not what you'd expect. That "he?" It's a boy named Reeve. Is he a former lover? A crush? Hardly. He...used to torture me when we were in seventh grade. He basically got everyone in our grade to hate me. He’s the reason my family moved away.Kat is a tough girl, a loner, a girl who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. Kat is big, bad, and bitchy. She smokes, she's a punk, she absolutely hates the rich townies and preppies at her school. They make me want to barf, every last one of them. They get away with murder on this island. They just do what they want to do, and screw everyone and everything else.But it wasn't always like this. Kat used to be one of the "in-crowd," best friends with the most popular girls in town. Her former best friend, Rennie now hates her guts, and spreads rumors about Kat whenever she gets the chance. Kat tolerates and ignores the rumors, until one day, she snaps. I freaking spat in Rennie’s face. Pretty much the trashiest thing I could ever do. The lies Rennie’s been telling about me since freshman year, I just proved them true.Because there's only so much a girl can take. Lillia is a good student, a good daughter, a loving sister, the benevolent second queen bee in the school who holds a dark secret and shame. She is Rennie's best friend, a cheerleader. Lillia, Kat, and Rennie used to be a trio of best friends, until something tore them apart. Now Lillia is one of the most popular girls in school, and Rennie's sole best friend, but she knows too well what a bitch Rennie can be. But Lillia's got more to worry about than just the conniving Rennie; her innocent baby sister Nadia is entering the dark world of high school, and Lillia has failed to protect her from her two-faced childhood friend, Alex. I never should have left her at that party. This is my fault just as much as it is Nadia’s. Maybe more. I’m her big sister. It’s my job to look out for her, to keep her safe.Wonderful! Now we're all set up. The summer's over, the school year's just begin...and it blows so bad. Mary doesn't know Lillia and Kat. Lillia and Kat now barely talk to each other. They all meet, by chance, in the girl's bathroom. Two of the three are crying. For the guys out there, in case you were wondering, Many Mysterious Things go on in girl's bathrooms. Well, that's a bonding moment if there ever was one, but who's to trust someone you just met? Gradually, they all learn about how certain people in their lives have been fucking them over. Mary wants revenge on the guy who's bullied her throughout middle school. Before Reeve, I was one of the smart girls, especially in math. I was the shy but friendly one. I was a little socially awkward, sure. But after Reeve, I was the fat girl.Kat wants revenge on her former best friend, the one who's been making her life hell for years. Rennie has spread a hundred rumors about me over the years—how my dad is a meth dealer and he’s grooming my brother, Pat, for the family business; how I once tried to French kiss her at a sleepover. All kinds of lies, just so she could have something interesting to say.And Lillia? A certain guy named Alex has been sleeping with Kat AND Lillia's beloved (and very, very young little sister). ...this fake chivalrous Alex also cheated on Kat by taking advantage of my little sister.The new girl. The cheerleader. The loner. A triple threat. Revenge is a bitch, and so are they. “We have to be more than careful,” I say. “No one can ever know what we’re up to. What we do together lives and dies with us.”MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA The Revenge: The three girls do some seriously cruel shit in this book, and I have to say that the sadistic part of me loved every single fucking moment. They set fire alarms, they give someone a rash, they break windows, they do very, very illegal things. And I don't even care. If you wanted a carebear book, look elsewhere, this book has pissed off people getting revenge on some very unpleasant people who may or may not deserve it. It's not a book for carebears. The Characters: The book is told through three POVs, that of Mary, Lillia, and Kat. I didn't have any trouble telling them apart. Kat is the "bitch" out of the three, her voice is the strongest, she is easily identifiable through her toughness and her tendency to be terribly blunt and sometimes profane. I didn't have a problem with her bitchiness at all. None of the characters pissed me off. Kat is not too clichéd to be true; she's tough, but she feels like a genuine character who can actually think and not be one of those Big Bad Girls who are mean and bitchy just for the sake of maintaining her tough-ass image. She is blunt, she is the ringleader, she puts them all together, she gives her allies strength. “He’s not worth it,” she says. “None of these people are. Trust me.”Mary is the quietest, the shyest, which makes a hell of a lot of sense, considering she used to be fat and bullied. She's pretty now, even, but the damage remains, and she remains unsure of herself. It took Mary a lot to be able to walk around school with her head up, despite the fact that she's not the "fat girl" anymore. I really loved her reaction to Reeve; she hates him, but she can't help wanting him to notice her and how she's changed as well. It's a naive hope that's realistic, knowing what she's been through. I was crazy to think that Reeve would ever apologize for the terrible things he did to me. I always hoped, somewhere deep down inside, that I mattered to him. That he cared about me. That he was sorry for what he did.Lillia is the double agent, with a foot in both worlds. She's best friends with Rennie, hangs out with the jock and cheerleader crowd, she's wealthy, beautiful, and friends with wrong-girl Kat. Lillia is most concerned about her sister, she acts more like a mother to Nadia. There was a whole lot going on with Lillia, she's got a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, both from her perceived responsibility to her sister, and from a very sick event that happened to her. I kissed him back. I liked it. Then I didn’t. I said no. I think I said no. Didn’t he hear me?The Assholes: They have more depth to them than I originally expected, but man, at times, the Mean Girl in the book felt really cringe-worthy. Rennie and Reeve are some of the baddies in this book, and they talk like this, at times. He drawls, “Rennie, honey?”I said AT TIMES, because thankfully, this type of silly speech doesn't persist throughout the book. But I did feel that Rennie was outrageously Mean Girl at some points; she completely played out the Evil Cheerleader Captain with great aplomb, from telling a girl her thighs are the size of Texas, to telling another that she has a skin problem. “There can’t be any weak links whatsoever. That means if your friend is slacking, you let her know. Like, just as a for instance, Melanie, you need to commit these three words to memory stat: ‘cleanse,’ ‘tone,’ ‘moisturize.’” Melanie’s eyes fill up with tears, but she quickly nods.The Romance: @_@;;; I don't even know how to describe it, so let's not even go there. It's not bad, it's just a very interesting twist of the plot. Overall: Tremendously fun, if you suspend your disbelief by a few foot. Just don't try it at home. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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Apr 28, 2014
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Apr 28, 2014
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Apr 27, 2014
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Hardcover
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0062272586
| 9780062272584
| 0062272586
| 3.53
| 4,990
| Apr 30, 2014
| May 06, 2014
|
did not like it
| He turned to her, leaned down, and kissed her, his kisses sending her over the moon. They lay entwined on the lounge chair making out. Becca lost h He turned to her, leaned down, and kissed her, his kisses sending her over the moon. They lay entwined on the lounge chair making out. Becca lost herself in the perfect world where a handsome prince sweeps an average American girl off her feet.DNF at 58%, right after the main character says "I love you" to a guy she's known all of a week because I can't take the amount of incomprehensible stupidity in this book. This book makes The Princess Diaries read like Game of Thrones. I hated its silliness and its carefree portrayal of boo fucking hoo poor-little-rich-kids privilege with the strength of a thousand burning pounds of unicorn feces. I would read Anna and the French Kiss ten times over before finishing this book, and you might recall I didn't exactly love Anna. The heroine in this book rivals Anna in stupidity, in insipidity, awash with #firstworldproblems and #whitegirlproblems, with none of the cuteness. It is a sad day indeed when I am forced to admit that Anna is cute, in comparison to anything. If Anna is like a fluffly, snuffly little Shih-Tzu puppy, Becca is a little rat-sized chihuahua that never ceases to yap that I want to mentally soccer-punt into oblivion. The Summary: “Ten days of this. Shoot me now. Everything here is a gabillion years old. The palace of this, the castle of that. Seriously?”Becca is having the worst fucking summer ever. EVER. Her wealthy technology CEO dad is dragging the entire family to Europe. EUROPE! Fuck that shit. They have to spend like, a month, traveling down central Europe on a luxury riverboat cruise. [image] They have to visit old fucking cities like Vienna, Austria and touring old fucking historical sites like Hofburg Palace and Schönbrunn Palace and Melk Abbey. [image] [image] They have to eat "exotic" European local foods, when all Becca wants is a Diet Pepsi and some McDonalds. All she wanted was something familiar, like an icy cold, American Diet Pepsi, french fries, and music that wasn’t three hundred years old. She checked out the streets jutting off the square and chose the street where she saw the McDonald’s.Old palaces. Walking tours. Learning about history. She leaned back in her seat, quickly bored again, and wishing she were home. Other than the couple of moments of eye candy, Becca hated Europe.Spending time with her family. Why does life suck so bad? I mean, fuck, her stepmother actually WANTS them to be like a family and bond. What kind of stepmom does that anyway?! 10 days on a riverboat cruise in Europe with her family. Surely, life can't get any worse :\ But really, Becca doesn't have it bad at all, compared to Prince Nikolai, Crown Prince of Mondovia. The demands of the monarchy—and his parents—threatened to suffocate the life right out of him. As each day passed, he lost more of himself.;____________; Nikolai's life is horrible. He's a young, 18-year old Crown Prince of a small European royalty. He doesn't actually HAVE to do anything, since the Crown is a figurehead only. It's like working at McDonalds! It's child labor! It's HORRIBLE! Nikolai has to spend day after day attending royal events and being photographed and attending state dinners and riding horses. It's HORRIBLE! “I guess the thing that makes it so difficult is my lack of choices. There is very little I get to decide for myself. My parents have picked my schools, my activities, who I associate with. They and their advisors decide who I sit next to at formal events, who I speak to at a grand opening, who I take photos with at fund-raisers, what charities I must support, even what horse I’ll ride.”Not to mention the fact that his family is wealthy because they take all the taxpayer's money, so that Nikolai will be wealthy for the rest of his life without ever having to work. I mean, who'd want that sort of life, anyway? ;__________; It's not like Nikolai can abdicate or anything. I mean...what kind of a king would abdicate... [image] Oh. Well, um. Nikolai wants to be an environmentalist. He was far more interested in saving the planet from pollution than plotting invasions in war-torn countries.So it's not like he can have make a cause out of saving the environment and going green or anything, I mean, what kind of Crown Prince becomes an environmentalist?! [image] Oh. Well, um. Nikolai's being forced to join the army. WHAT KIND OF CROWN PRINCE JOINS THE MILITARY ANYWAY?! [image] Oh. Other royal families, like in England, they don’t have to go into the military, do they?”*slow clap* Way to go, Nikolai. Yes. Go after your dreams. Since Nikolai is so sick of his pampered, sheltered, wealthy, leisurely life, he's going to run away and be incognito and ignore aaaaaaaaaaall the responsibilitiezzzz! He's going to do it on a motorbike that's been given to him by Middle Eastern royalty. And he will meet Becca. Refreshing Becca. Becca without a brain cell in her head. "I barely passed high school Spanish.”This is the story of how an idiot prince falls in love with an "refreshingly idiotic" commoner. Something about this beautiful American girl kept him from thinking about anything else. It didn’t make sense. Becca was ignorant of the historic cities she toured. Her sense of direction was so bad she could probably lose her own shadow, and her quirky sense of humor made him constantly want to kiss her.Becca: “The kids in Europe must hate history class. These countries go back so freakin’ far. At least the U.S. is barely two hundred years old.”Becca would give Anna-oui-is-spelled-wee a run for her money in the brains department. She is a newly graduated senior, who will be going to Northwestern in the fall. I can only surmise that her admittance is thanks to her dad's money and legacy. Because Becca is a motherfucking moron. I don't even know what the fuck is wrong with her school. I don't know about anyone else, but my high school required three years of a foreign language, and yet Becca is barely competent in English, let another another language. What the FUCK kind of school did she attend? I attended high school in America! We had to learn European history! Becca doesn't seem to know any fucking thing! American history goes back 200 years?! NO! What about the days of the colonists, the pilgrims? The pre-Columbus days?! Don't tell me she didn't learn that! Don't tell me her high school curriculum didn't even cover Europe! I don't know how the fuck Northwestern admitted her, when Becca "barely passed Spanish" and barely pulled off a B in history. “But you’re not even from here! I don’t know how you can remember the history of other countries. I can’t tell you a thing about Canada other than they play a lot of hockey there. History is my worst subject. I barely pulled off a B last semester.”She is the epitome of the Ugly, Stupid American abroad, and is the kind of American tourist that makes Europeans hate American tourists. She refuses to adapt. She constantly seeks out McDonalds instead of local cuisine (and come on, it's fucking Europe. It's not like the food there is anything like the comparative strangeness of, say, African or Asian foods). Nikolai: The Smooth Stalker: "Think about it. I’m an American girl in a foreign country, who took off with a guy I’ve known for barely two minutes. For all I know, you’ve kidnapped me and are going to sell me into slavery.”It really sucks that Nikolai is a crown prince, but it's ok. He's got an alternative career...Ok, he can't really DO anything at all. “For starters, I don’t have too many skills other than shaking hands, playing polo, and fencing.”But he's wrong! Nikolai has a career...in stalking girls! Becca goes to one city? He happens to be there as well. They move onto another city? BOOM! He's there. What a coincidence! I don't know, but to me, that's rather creepy. And then he sneaks onto her riverboat cruise in the middle of the night and scares the shit out of Becca. Becca set down the remote and rubbed her face. When she looked up, she saw a tall, imposing figure lurking on the other side of her balcony railing.OH, HE'S HANGING ONTO THE OUTSIDE OF A MOVING RIVERBOAT IN THE DARK BECAUSE HE FOLLOWED HER. THAT'S NOT CREEPY AT ALL. It's absolutely acceptable to be a creeper if you're good looking. Then it's romantic. Men: don't try this if you're ugly. He's a smooth talker. There's nothing like dropping your royal title to get a girl to drop her panties. “If you do become king, you could never hang out with me.”But still, it's just SO REFRESHING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES HIM FOR HIM. Someone so NORMAL. Like *sigh* Becca. Being the Prince of Mondovia allowed him access to a lot of pretty girls, most of whom wanted to kiss a prince. But none drove him crazy like Becca.ME HATE THIS BOOK. ME SMASH. ME LOST 50 IQ POINTS. ME VOCABULARY DEAD. AAAAAAAAAAARG. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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May 06, 2014
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May 06, 2014
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Apr 21, 2014
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Paperback
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1481402110
| 9781481402118
| 1481402110
| 3.41
| 438
| Oct 07, 2014
| Oct 07, 2014
|
liked it
|
This is a well-written YA mystery, but from the blurb, I expected more darkness and more excitement. I enjoyed it, but I found it lacking on the promi
This is a well-written YA mystery, but from the blurb, I expected more darkness and more excitement. I enjoyed it, but I found it lacking on the promised darkness and suspense. The good: 1. A well-developed group of best friends, male and female 2. A realistic amount of romance 3. Psychologically complex characters 4. Great small-town atmosphere 5. A well-written love triangle based on friendship, and a light amount of romance 6. A male narrator who is neither an asshole, nor a girl in disguise. He has a crush on a girl, but he never sings odes of unrealistic poetry about the color of her eyes or her hair The not-that-great 1. The mystery---from the premise, I expected more of a paranormal twist; this is more of a Monkey's Paw sort of premise. There is only one "strange" element in this book. If you read this, be warned that this is not much more than a well-written psychological mystery 2. The pacing: it is a slow book 3. It's still a love triangle 4. The binoculars: even when explained, it's a pretty flimsy premise that felt pieced together from bits and pieces of pseudo-science The Summary: “I saw my dad,” she said shakily. “In our house. There was blood everywhere.” Natalie stopped, breathed quickly, like she could barely suck in the air. “I think he was dead.”It all started with their last trip into the Vermont woods. Riley and his friends are taking one last trip to their favorite part of the Vermont woods before winter---and the stress of senior year hits. With him are Natalie, Tannis, Trip, and Trip's girlfriend, Sarah. Sarah, whom Riley adores, unrequited. During a game of Truth or Dare, Sarah and Riley go into a cave...instead of sharing a secret, they find a box containing a pair of binoculars that are anything but ordinary. Instead of magnifying what's in front of them, they show Riley a vision... There was someone beside me in that bed.Riley is not alone, his friends see visions as well. They're not sure what the visions represent, or if they're, in fact, visions at all? Was it a mass hallucination? A psychotropic drug transplanted on the binoculars? Do the binoculars show visions of the future? Or is it something else? “Maybe it was, like, our hidden thoughts,” I said, watching her reaction. “Our deepest wishes or worst fears or some thing.”Whatever it is, not all the visions are as benign as Riley's. His friend Natalie sees her father's bloody death. And it's a death that actually happens. Natalie's father is killed, and she is a suspect. Natalie's father is a troubled man, and all her friends know it. They can't help but think that maybe Natalie had something to do with it, and apparently, so do the police. And what is the binocular's role in all this? “What if this is like that and somehow it changed Natalie?” I said, then added, “We have no idea what we’re dealing with.”The Mystery: The premise of the binocular is more of a slightly-paranormal force that drives the plot along, rather than anything paranormal or malicious itself. The binoculars are psychological mindfuck, as the teenagers in this book try to determine the visions and what they mean. In that sense, it works quite well. Think about it, if you were to have a vision of yourself lying dead on the floor, what would you think? How would you try to change it? Would you try to change your life while thinking that it's a vision of the future? Would you try to change the paths that would remove you furthest from that future? Or would you do nothing, thinking that it's your mind playing tricks on you? In that sense, it works well, but for me, I guess I wanted more than that. I wanted more meaning, I wanted more darkness, I wanted to be scared and thrilled. This book did neither for me. The Setting: It was one of the things I hated about Buford. Everyone knew too much about everyone else.Small-town Vermont. A dead-end town. Growing up in Buford, Vermont, you have two choices. Get the fuck out, or have no future. It's not a big industrial town, it is a small town of 1200, that depends on the winter and the skiing tourists. Like any backwaters location, there is a drug problem. The police force isn't that great. You will likely have known your classmates since kindergarten. The townspeople each have distinct, authentic character, however little they appear in the book. From the relaxed police officer... Some guys probably were excited by the idea of “real” police work, but Bob wouldn’t be one of them. He had a little girl and a pretty wife and seemed content to shoot the shit with the townies and write the occasional parking ticket....to the wonderful AP Physics teacher who instills passion in learning despite his four-person class. The Characters: I really loved the teenagers in this book, they each had complex psychological profiles, and I didn't feel like they were tropes at all. From Natalie, the champion skiier with a trailer trash family she wants to protect, to car-loving tough-girl Tannis, with an unexpected amount of passion and reason for her steely exterior. "I’ve watched how it is for my mom, stuck in the house—every minute she’s not working, that is—washing and cleaning and cooking and then washing and cleaning and cooking again. She’s been doing it for twenty years, and my mom’s awesome, but she’s never done any of the stuff she wanted. Live in a city, fly on an airplane, do a job where she gets to wear a suit. Kids are a straight-up dead-end boring job, and it is definitely not for me.”Outside of the five best friends, there are other side characters who are sympathetic, too. The adults are well-portrayed. They're not flawless, they're not dumb; they are humans who make mistakes, and they are people who have lives outside of their children. The Romance: There is a love triangle in the book, and it didn't bother me that much. What made the romance bearable is the lightness of it, and the fact that the people involved are friends, first and foremost. They've known each other since they were twelve. Riley wanted to date Sarah...but his friend, Trip, got to her first. Imagine about to tell your best friend that you're about to ask a girl out, only to have your best friend tell you that he's asking the same girl out. Riley played the bigger man, he let Trip date Sarah without ever confessing his feelings... And the rest, as they say, is history. Trip went with her, I stayed home, and from then on I got to watch the two of them—my sometimes best friend and the girl I’d been crushing on—fall in love. Un-fucking-believable.There's the friendship. Sarah and Riley are friends, they talk to each other, they have their close moments, but it takes awhile for their relationship to develop into romantic potential. And when they do, there's so much guilt involved that I can't hate them at all. “Oh God, Sarah.” I pulled back, away from her. I kid you not, it was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. “I can’t. God knows I want to.”Overall: A solid book, with great characters and good writing. The plot is slow, and the paranormal element very light and somewhat unbelievable. Recommended, with reservations. Quotes taken from an uncorrected galley subject to change in the final published edition. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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Apr 19, 2014
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Apr 20, 2014
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Apr 19, 2014
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Hardcover
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4.04
| 942,153
| Apr 15, 2014
| Apr 15, 2014
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it was ok
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There are certain lines that you do not cross, and coveting your beloved sister's ex-boyfriend is one of them. That's why this book made me gag a litt
There are certain lines that you do not cross, and coveting your beloved sister's ex-boyfriend is one of them. That's why this book made me gag a little. This book was purposeless. There was no ending. There was no romance. There was no character growth (and the main character was pretty dumb to begin with). I don't usually read contemporary YA novels, but when I do, I have certain expectations. I want sweetness, I want a character that matures, and I want some really cute romance. Yeah. Me. Wanting a cute romance. It happens! That was what I wanted out of this book. I don't think it's too much to ask. I didn't get much of anything, so really, it felt like I read this book for no reason at all. I am left completely unsatisfied. Why did I waste my time? In short: 1. There is no ending!!!!!!! If you want a definite conclusion or an HEA, get the heck away from this book. 2. The main character (Lara Jean) is silly, childish, and privileged in a sheltered upper-middle-class kind of way. She never really matured. 3. There was no true romance. There is a halfhearted love triangle. The romance is a literal "contract," a pretend one to make an ex-girlfriend and a former crush jealous. They are friends, nothing more. 4. The main character has long since been crushing on her big sister's ex-boyfriend. Excuse me while I throw up my recently ingested dinner. 5. There is almost no female friendship in the book. Lara Jean has a best friend (Chris) who is an outrageous, loud slut, and they so rarely talk and that their relationship feels pointless and artificial. The Plot: "[Josh] is into you.”Lara Jean has been in love with Josh for a long time. They've grown up alongside each other for the past five years; her dad and sisters all adore Josh. There's just one problem with her little crush: Josh is dating her older sister, Margot. Margot is about to leave for college, so she decides to do the decent thing and break up with him. Josh is left brokenhearted. Lara Jean sees him crying. She thinks... If you were mine, I would never have broken up with you, not in a million years.Lara Jean is a romantic. She has had a few crushes in her life, and she has written love letters to all of them. There has been five. And now there's a problem: someone has sent all her crushes the love letters that she wrote them (if you can't guess who it is, we seriously need to have a talk). This is problematic...because Lara Jean wrote a letter to Josh. And Peter. This is a nightmare. Peter Kavinsky is holding my letter in his hand. It’s my handwriting, my envelope, my everything. “How—how did you get that?”To a teenaged girl, to any girl or woman, really, this is truly a mortifying experience, having your crushes find out is just an unimaginable humiliation. When Josh finds out, Lara Jean has no choice but to save face. She pretends to be dating one of her letter recipients, Peter. It turns out that Peter is in need of a little distraction himself. “Let’s just do this for a little while.”Peter has recently been dumped by his girlfriend, Genevieve. He wants to make his ex-girlfriend jealous, Lara Jean needs to pretend that Josh means nothing to her. They enter into a dating contract. But then Lara Jean finds himself liking Peter...but is Peter truly over his ex-gf? And what happens when Josh realizes that he might have feelings for her after all? “Ever since I got your letter...I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”Lara Jean: Inoffensive, silly, stupid at times, and incredibly boring. Lara Jean reminds me of some of my baby sister's friends. She is so starry-eyed with innocence that I just wanted to slap some reality into her. She is stupid at times, she runs a stop sign, she takes some stupid risks involving her own baby sister and a car seat, she would probably buy the London Bridge from you if you offered it to her. I have a sudden revelation. I lower my voice and say, “Wait...can you read?”She never really matured throughout the novel. Her maturity at the end of the book equates to "I can order pizza for my dad and sister while my older sister is out of the country now!" She has the sort of wide-eyed innocence that makes me think, "Child, the real world is going to chew you up and spit you out one day." I want a certain toughness in my main characters, not a starry-eyed fluff of an overprotected, privileged upper-middle-class girl. Her definition of maturity includes admitting to her mistakes... I brighten up and then I remember how Margot said I’m in charge now. I’m pretty sure taking responsibility for one’s mistakes is part of being in charge.Lara Jean feels like a 13-year old. Your sister's EX, REALLY?!: I don't know about you, but I find the thought of dating my sister's ex pretty fucking nauseating, and I'm willing to bet that my sister feels the same way about my ex-boyfriend. Let's get one thing straight, if you're going to be in a relationship with someone, there's going to be some touching involved. You're going to go beyond first base. The last thing I need when I'm kissing a guy is thinking about my sister kissing the same pair of lips. The last thing I need when I'm *ahem* a guy is knowing my sister has probably done the same thing to him. The last thing I need when I'm sleeping with a guy is to be thinking "Has my sister been in this bed? Under these same sheet?" Gross. Gross. GROSS. No, thank you. To top it off, do you really want to be dating a guy who was thinking about you when he was dating your sister? What does that say about his behaviors, his morality? What does that say about his character. Is he going to do the same thing to your OTHER sister 10 years down the road? (Lara Jean has two sisters) Do you really want your sister's leftover? Do you really want to date him knowing that he's had sex with your sister? Why would you even consider that? What kind of a sister would you be? I don't care if your sister broke up with HIM. It's still a betrayal of the worst sort. Female Friendship: When I read a contemporary novel, one of the things I look forward to is a realistic, true portrayal of female friendship. Instead, I have this: I wish I’d made more friends. If I had more friends, maybe I wouldn’t have done something as stupid as kiss Peter K. in the hallway and tell Josh he’s my boyfriend.What Romance?: There really is no romance in this book. There is barely anything but Lara Jean mooning and daydreaming that she and Josh were Meant To Be, if only he could see it. Her fake relationship with Peter....petered out. Lara Jean may find herself liking Peter more and more every day, but there's the fact that Peter is not over his ex-girlfriend. He doesn’t know it, but when Peter talks about Genevieve, he gets a certain softness in his face. It’s tenderness mixed with impatience. And something else. Love. Peter can protest all he wants, but I know he still loves her.Lara Jean is supposed to be developing a true relationship with Peter, but how can she, when it's clear that Peter has a tremendous amount of emotional baggage. Peter shakes his head. “What Gen and I have is completely separate from you and me,” he says.I was truly disappointed by this book. I wanted a sweet romance. I wanted to be swept away. I didn't get anything, and the ending left me reeling with disappointment because, while it was not a cliffhanger, nothing ever got resolved. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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Apr 17, 2014
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Apr 19, 2014
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Apr 16, 2014
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Paperback
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Khanh, first of her name, mother of bunnies > Books: ya (372)
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my rating |
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3.65
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did not like it
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Jul 04, 2014
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Jul 03, 2014
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3.10
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it was ok
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Jun 23, 2014
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Jun 22, 2014
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3.02
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did not like it
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Jun 21, 2014
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Jun 21, 2014
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3.90
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did not like it
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May 29, 2014
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May 29, 2014
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3.53
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did not like it
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May 22, 2014
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May 22, 2014
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3.80
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it was amazing
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May 24, 2014
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May 21, 2014
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3.90
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liked it
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May 21, 2014
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May 21, 2014
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3.61
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did not like it
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May 26, 2014
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May 21, 2014
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3.85
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really liked it
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May 17, 2014
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May 17, 2014
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3.66
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it was ok
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May 16, 2014
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May 16, 2014
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3.69
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did not like it
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May 15, 2014
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May 15, 2014
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3.80
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it was amazing
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May 12, 2014
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May 11, 2014
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3.59
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did not like it
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May 11, 2014
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May 08, 2014
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3.62
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it was ok
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May 30, 2014
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May 03, 2014
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3.77
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it was ok
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Jun 15, 2014
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May 03, 2014
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3.55
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did not like it
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May 08, 2014
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May 01, 2014
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3.80
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really liked it
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Apr 28, 2014
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Apr 27, 2014
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3.53
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did not like it
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May 06, 2014
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Apr 21, 2014
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3.41
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liked it
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Apr 20, 2014
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Apr 19, 2014
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4.04
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it was ok
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Apr 19, 2014
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Apr 16, 2014
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