The Moral Injury Workbook Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Skills For Moving Beyond Shame Anger and Trauma To Reclaim Your Values 9781684034796
The Moral Injury Workbook Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Skills For Moving Beyond Shame Anger and Trauma To Reclaim Your Values 9781684034796
The Moral Injury Workbook Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Skills For Moving Beyond Shame Anger and Trauma To Reclaim Your Values 9781684034796
are not alone, and it is possible to reconnect with who and what
is most important to you. This is the hope-filled message of The Moral
Injury Workbook. Whether you have done or failed to do something, or
something has been done to you, if you have experienced a betrayal of
moral values you hold dear, this workbook offers evidence-based
strategies for how to move forward and reclaim your life. It is an
inspiring and essential resource for anyone facing the complex,
painful, and often hidden struggles that result from moral injury.”
—Jenna LeJeune, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist; president
of Portland Psychotherapy Clinic, Research, and Training
Center; and coauthor of Values in Therapy
“Providing essential resources for both therapists and clients, this book
is a comprehensive and compassionate account of finding a way
forward after surviving a range of adverse experiences. Based on
science and grounded in the heart, the authors have delivered a text
that combines clinical insights, personal stories, and useful exercises
for finding meaning in living. This book is essential reading for
anyone interested in trauma and moral injury. Both clients and
therapists will find support and comfort in these words, which give a
sense of purpose to doing the difficult work of addressing moral
injury.”
—Victoria Follette, PhD, PsyD, program chair, director of
clinical training, and professor in the school of psychology at
Florida Institute of Technology
“If you find yourself haunted by a past event where you hurt or injured
someone, or witnessed this happening to someone else, then I urge you
to consider this book. The authors relate powerful stories and tools that
can help you move from alienation and disconnection to repair and
wholeness. If your moral sense has been disrupted or damaged, this
book is a lifeline.”
—Jason B. Luoma, PhD, shame and self-compassion researcher,
and coauthor of Learning ACT and Values in Therapy
“Grounded in the collective clinical and scientific expertise of the four
authors, this important contribution is full of compassionate, wise, and
much-needed, practical tools for addressing moral injury with
acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). For persons seeking to
heal their lives from the wounds of morally injurious events, they will
find a treasure trove of insights and strategies for restoring human
connection and meaningful living. For clinicians and trainees who
desire to incorporate ACT in their attempts to address moral injury in
therapeutic settings, this book is similarly essential reading, and one
that will be reviewed again and again.”
—Joseph Currier, PhD, associate professor of psychology at the
University of South Alabama, and lead editor of Addressing
Moral Injury in Clinical Practice
“This useful resource for anyone suffering from or caring for those with
moral injury helpfully brings ACT principles to bear in a manner that invites
a fresh, honest, and ultimately hopeful exploration of one’s moral identity.”
—Jason Nieuwsma, PhD, associate director of the VA Mid-
Atlantic MIRECC Mental Health and Chaplaincy program, and
associate professor at Duke University Medical Center
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject
matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering
psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is
needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2020 by Wyatt R. Evans, Robyn D. Walser, Kent D. Drescher, and Jacob K. Farnsworth
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer
Edited by Kristi Hein
All Rights Reserved
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Part 1: Preparing for the Journey of Healing
Chapter 1: The Pain of Violated Values
Chapter 2: When Pain Becomes Suffering
Chapter 3: Mapping Your Moral Communities
Part 2: Embracing Moral Pain to Engage Moral Values
Chapter 4: You Are More Than You Know
Chapter 5: Stepping Back from Judgments, Stories, and Rules
Chapter 6: Values as the Flip Side of Moral Pain
Chapter 7: Accepting Moral Pain in the Service of Vital Living
Chapter 8: Living Your Values in the Present Moment
Part 3: Moving Forward, Living Well
Chapter 9: Forgiveness: To Give What Came Before
Chapter 10: Compassion: Cultivating Kindness and Connection
Chapter 11: Living Is Doing
References
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
We want to thank our friends and colleagues, Dr. Lauren Borges and
Dr. Sean Barnes. Our collaborations with them have been essential in
both developing the science of ACT as an intervention for moral injury
and cultivating a path to healing for those who suffer with the same. In
our deep appreciation for their dedication to the science of and
recovery from moral injury, we consider them part of our authorship
team. We want to acknowledge their continuing efforts to bring
science-based and compassionate recovery to those who are on a
journey of rediscovering values in the midst of moral pain.
—WRE, RDW, KDD, and JKF
To my wife, Joanna, and our four beautiful children, who together are
my greatest moral good.
—JKF
INTRODUCTION
You are not alone. Though it may seem that way in the aftermath of situations
in which you or others made decisions that led to immensely hurtful
outcomes, you are not alone in that pain, and you will not be alone on your
healing journey. In reading this book, you’ll be joined by an incredibly
diverse group of people. People who have faced seemingly impossible
choices. People who have caused great harm, as well as those who have been
harmed greatly. People who have witnessed atrocities and violence. People
who have been betrayed, and those whose past behaviors involved betrayal.
You may also be joined by therapists, counselors, chaplains, and others who
seek to bring healing to those who suffer from the fallout of moral pain. You,
they, and we are all connected by pain, and we are all now on this healing
journey together.
If you are wondering whether moral injury is an accurate label for your
experience (or the experience of someone you care about), first consider what
led you to open this book and also know that we will take time to define
moral injury and how it grows from moral pain. We will also explore what
kinds of events lead to moral injury. It may help you to know that moral
injury is not a new experience in the world. Philosophers and theologians
have been writing about it for ages, and humans have been struggling with it
for much longer than that. We hope that as you read this book and work
through its exercises, you will come to more fully understand moral injury, its
impact, and how to recover from it.
Moral Dilemmas Across Time
The human race has long been involved in moral dilemmas. Across time we
have endured tests of survival—protection of ourselves and our families,
communities, and countries. As we have solved problems and adapted to
changes and challenges, we have tried to secure our futures and control
outcomes linked to how we live, our freedoms and rights, and how to
maintain personal and loving connections to those who mean the most to us.
There are moral elements in all of these aspects of our survival and our
relationships.
From the times when early human tribes competed for scarce resources
to the moral dilemmas presented by modern activity, such as global warming
and internet privacy, humans have faced questions of right and wrong.
Sometimes it seems very clear what is morally right; at other times, it’s hard
to know the answer. This is especially so when the stakes are high, such as
when we go through a traumatic experience or struggle with competing and
complex values.
It’s not always easy to know when and how to act when we face one of
these moral dilemmas. Indeed, this is what makes it a dilemma. And some
moral violations that happen in one setting may not be a violation in other
settings. Moral violations can occur under terrible circumstances, such as war
or natural disasters. They can happen by accident or during a momentary
lapse in judgment. They can happen as people act out of power and greed. So
moral injury is complex, both in how it happens and in its aftermath.
Whatever the circumstances were that caused your moral injury, this book
offers hope. There is a way forward to moral healing, and we believe what
you find here will help you in that journey.
We’ll talk more about these types of situations when we talk about
morally injurious events in the coming chapters.
While the intensity of reactions varies across individuals, groups, and
cultures, people exposed to these situations will experience reactions based on
a gut feeling or immediate emotional response. They will immediately intuit
right and wrong as a felt sense—as a rapid emotional reaction happening as
just described. This is the morality of the heart.
As a reader, pause and reflect on what you are experiencing right now.
What do you feel, and what thoughts come up for you? For many, the
experience of SGT Howell will feel disturbing and unresolved. You might
realize, on one level, that SGT Howell had few options to choose from; at the
same time, you might recoil or feel angry at the taking of Abdul’s life. Some
readers may even feel gratitude to members of the armed forces for
shouldering the burden of these excruciatingly difficult decisions. And though
each of these reactions would be reasonable, it would be a mistake to
conclude that moral dilemmas like this happen only in extreme environments
like a war zone. Whether we notice them or not, these dilemmas are
happening today, everywhere: where we work, or learn, or shop; in our
streets; and in our homes. Whether you recognize it or not, this is not just a
story about Abdul and SGT Howell. It is also a story about us, and it’s a story
about you.
Part 1 has set the foundation from which you will begin your healing
journey; part 2 helps you determine the direction in which you will go as well
as builds and strengthens the essential tools for your journey.
Finally, part 3 introduces two processes—forgiveness and compassion—
that many readers will find relevant to their journey. These may appear
challenging, but you will see that they are essential tools necessary for
healing and growth. Again, exercises and personal exploration activities will
help you understand what role these two processes will play in your overall
healing process. The final chapter is about putting everything you’ve learned
into action. Healing, thriving, and, in fact, living are about doing. This final
chapter will invite, encourage, and guide you to take committed actions to
live out the values you’ve identified and explored throughout the book.
When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.
—Roy E. Disney
High-Stakes Context
Incidents in which our values are violated can be more or less severe,
with a range of different consequences. For an incident to rise to the level of a
morally injurious event, it must happen in a high-stakes context where serious
physical or psychological harm is likely.
Robert’s experience is an example of an event that meets these two
criteria. Robert perceived that his actions (responding to a text while driving
with his kids in the car) and his inactions (not ensuring that they put on their
seat belts) violated his deeply held values of caring for and protecting his
family. Although he did not realize how high the stakes were in advance of
the event, the outcome—the death of his child—revealed the terrible
significance of his choices.
Violating Values
Values serve as our guiding lights as we travel the path of life, showing us the
way, illuminating what is important to us. When we live in line with our
values, life feels more vital, purposeful, and fulfilling. For instance, if being
caring toward others is your personal value, then behaving in ways that are
caring will feel meaningful. When we act in ways that do not align with our
values, we may find that life seems a bit less meaningful, colorful, or
complete. For example, if you value kindness yet find yourself treating others
in unkind ways, you may feel guilty and sad—and probably upset with
yourself.
There are many ways in which we can violate our values. These could be
pure mistakes—a temporary lapse in judgment, an accident, or an oversight.
These incidents can be uncomfortable, but we tend to learn from them,
perhaps make amends, and move on. But sometimes values violations have
more significant consequences, such as losing a friend, a job, or a marriage.
These types of violations might include conscious acts such as lying, stealing,
or cheating, which often lead to greater moral pain. We’ll talk more about
these sorts of events later in this chapter.
So, what makes a values violation potentially morally injurious? It
depends on what’s at stake during the event.
What’s at Stake?
Context—that is, the situation surrounding the values violation—is part of
what elevates it to a morally injurious event. The stakes must be high. There
is an elevated risk of actual physical or psychological harm—a real
probability of injury or death. Indeed, you can see the importance of the
stakes when you look at where the concept of moral injury was first
introduced—in the aftermath of war.
Clinicians caring for military personnel returning from combat noticed
that some veterans were most affected by guilt and anger about the choices
they had made in combat—choices that led to harm or death for others or that
involved behavior, such as war crimes, that was inconsistent with their values.
Think about the stakes involved in combat, and you can see both the horrors
that happen and the values that might be at risk. This is only one example,
however. Morally injurious events can occur in many different contexts, for
example:
1. How old were you when your morally injurious event occurred (if
you have had more than one, include each age):
2. When did you first notice the mental and emotional pain of the
event? If it didn’t show up right away, how much time passed before
you began to experience this pain?
3. Who was with you at the time? Who were the important people in
your life at that time? Did they know about the event?
4. Briefly name or describe this event or events. Just a few words will
do. The goal is only to clearly identify the event(s) that caused the pain
that led you to pick up this book.
Take a few moments after answering these questions to reflect on
what you have written. Notice whether it has been a long time since the
event or the event was more recent. Notice the depth of your struggle
with the pain of this experience. You don’t need to do anything with what
you are feeling or thinking right now. Just be aware of your experience.
Henry’s Story
Henry was a Marine Corps corporal assigned as the leader of a team
ordered to do a house-to-house search for an insurgent. Henry’s team
forcefully entered the home of the target. It was a chaotic scene, with
the marines shouting and the family screaming. When they found the
target—the father of the family—they moved aggressively toward
him. One of Henry’s men struck the man in the abdomen with the butt
of his weapon. The marines subdued the man while Henry zip-tied his
hands together and stood him up to take him away.
When the marine hit the man in the stomach, Henry had a gut
reaction that something was wrong. Then Henry saw the family’s
youngest child, a girl of about five—the same age as his own
daughter. He had a sudden image of his daughter, watching horrified
as he was struck, subdued, and tied up. He felt overcome with the
wrongness of what was happening. Over time, the images of that
incident wouldn’t subside, and guilt and shame about what had
happened began to haunt him, having a significant impact on the way
he lived his life.
What moral value(s) may have been violated in this story? Whose
values were they?
In what quadrant(s) of the diagram do you think Henry might
experience the violation?
What thoughts and emotions might you have had if you were Henry?
Mae’s Story
One night, Mae, a volunteer firefighter, responded to an apartment
fire. When Mae’s crew arrived, large portions of an apartment
building were engulfed in flames. Mae learned there was a child
trapped in one of the apartments on the third floor. When she entered
the third-floor hallway, Mae heard cries coming from the apartment.
The fire had worked its way through the ceiling, and the unit was
filling with smoke. As she entered, Mae could see the child on the
floor on the other side of the room, reaching her hand toward Mae.
Mae called to the girl, but the girl was too scared to move. Suddenly,
the ceiling gave way, making it much more challenging to reach the
girl. The fire grew more intense between them. The girl screamed, but
Mae could not bring herself to pass through the flames. Fearing for
her own life, Mae exited the apartment. The girl did not survive.
What moral value(s) may have been violated in this story? Whose
values were they?
Ellen’s Story
Ellen is a college freshman. During her first semester, Ellen attended
a party where she met two men who lived in the dorm next to her.
That night, the two men followed Ellen back to her dorm, where they
raped her. The next day, Ellen told her story to a school counselor.
The counselor asked Ellen whether she’d been drinking alcohol at
the party. When Ellen reported that she had not, the counselor asked,
“Then why did you let them follow you back to your room?”
Overcome with anger, disappointment, and shame, Ellen quickly left
the counselor’s office. For the rest of the school year, Ellen struggled
to keep up her grades. She withdrew from the friends she’d begun
making. Over the summer, when Ellen returned home, her parents
chastised her for her poor grades. She had not yet told them about
the rape. Hoping they would understand and support her, Ellen
finally shared her story with her parents. However, they shamed her
and scolded her for “partying instead of studying.” Rather than
return to college, Ellen took a job at a local restaurant. She moved
into a small apartment with three of her coworkers and began to rely
on marijuana to cope with her intense, painful thoughts and feelings
about herself, her assailants, and her family.
What moral value(s) may have been violated in this story? Whose
values were they?
In what quadrant(s) of the diagram do you think Ellen might
experience the violation?
What thoughts or emotions might you have had if you were Ellen?
There are many ways that a values violation can lead to suffering and
pain. Whether your experience of a painful values violation happened in high-
stakes circumstances or not, you can benefit from the process of moral
healing. You may still be unsure whether your experience is a moral injury as
we have defined it here. It may comfort you to know that researchers are still
working to more fully define morally injurious events and moral injury. We
do know that people can struggle from different levels and types of moral
violations. And all are welcome to discover the path of healing through the
work in this book.
Note: If you are worried that others may access this book and you do
not want them to see what you have written, we suggest you write only
about some of the thoughts or emotions you experienced about the
event. We want you to feel safe in exploring your moral injury.
When you are finished writing, spend some time reflecting on what
you’ve written, and then answer the following questions:
1. In what context did this event occur? Where did it happen? When?
Who was present? What happened before? What happened after?
3. What important moral value was violated? (We’ll talk more about
moral values in future chapters. It’s okay if you don’t have this answer
just yet; simply consider your values and make some notes.)
As you read this book and complete the exercises, you will revisit the
writing you just completed. Your story may change over time, and you may
find that different aspects of your story stand out more or less. You may
discover other parts of your memories that have been hidden or buried for a
while. Be curious, notice your experience, and know that your emotions and
thoughts about the event will likely keep evolving. This is part of the process.
Hang in there—learning to live your values is worth the journey.
Summary
In this chapter, we introduced the concept of morally injurious events, and
you began to explore how they might happen. Most important, you started the
work of uncovering and exploring your own experiences with values
violations that can lead to moral pain and even moral injury. You will have
many opportunities to revisit and even add to your story as you embark on the
healing process.
In closing this chapter, we want to again acknowledge a truth about
nearly all morally injurious events: they are deeply, often unspeakably
painful. The self-blame, shame, and regret; the anger and disgust; and even
hatred—all are immensely challenging and can lead to suffering. For some of
you reading this book, the pain and suffering of a morally injurious event has
been haunting you for years, even changing the way you live in the world. Its
impact on you has likely been deep and wide. You may have despaired of
ever finding a path to healing. We recognize that the work of healing will take
time as well as personal reflection and action. However, your first efforts
have begun.
Now that we have explored some of the qualities of morally injurious
events, we will help you distinguish between moral pain and moral suffering,
as well as how and why we may begin to suffer after a morally injurious
event. In this next chapter, we will see how moral pain itself is not the
problem. What really creates suffering are the costly and unworkable attempts
to undo, turn off, or rid yourself of that pain. Those efforts threaten your
wholeness and connectedness, preventing you from following your moral
compass. They lead to the lived suffering of moral injury.
CHAPTER 2:
Each of us has a personal filter that may change the way we experience
the moral emotions listed in the table. Our purpose here is to highlight how
these emotions can function—in other words, how they might be able to serve
(rather than hinder) you and others.
2. Identify the moral emotions that you may have felt or continue to
feel in response to this morally injurious event.
3. Read through the “Moral Emotion” column in the table with your
event in mind. On the table, circle or highlight the emotions that seem
to be part of your experience.
As you complete this exercise, know that it’s normal to find it difficult or
emotionally charged to reflect on your experience. This is precisely why we
call it a moral injury. You haven’t had the chance to heal from this wound, so
if it feels tender, have patience. Sometimes these types of injuries have been a
part of someone’s life for a long time. Healing requires time, patience, and
persistence. Indeed, there is more work to do. And we need to explore both
your emotional reactions to the experience and your thinking about it.
Your answers can give you a sense of how your moral judgments
provide crucial information about the values violation and how you might
repair the damage.
You may already be asking about what it means to repair what happened.
We will get there, but we don’t want to move too fast and miss important
parts of the healing. Hang in there as we continue to discover more about
moral emotions and moral judgments.
2. It may have also been some time, years even, before these moral
judgments came into your awareness. If so, when did you notice
them? What was going on at that time?
2. Knowing how long this pain has been with you, explore, as best you
can remember, every way you have tried to fix it, overcome it, get rid
of it, forget about it, and so on. List each effort, both “good” strategies
(like coping skills, work) and “bad” strategies (like substance use,
ignoring, hiding):
3. Now notice how hard you have tried. Notice how much effort you
have put into “fixing the problem.” Did it work? Did it get you where
you want to be? Reflect by writing here:
If you discovered that each of your efforts to control the thoughts and
emotions related to your moral injury didn’t pay off in the way that you
would have hoped or wanted, we are not surprised, and you are not alone.
What if the constant struggle to control your emotions and thoughts actually
is the problem? We agree that you can influence and maybe even control your
thoughts and feelings some of the time. We have all had the experience of
moving past something or directing our attention to something else, then
forgetting about what was bothering us. But the biggies, the really painful
stuff—those don’t just quietly go away.
Even with excellent plans and sincere elbow grease, we cannot clean and
simply throw out what seems to be the dirty and damaged stuff inside us—
even if our mind tells us we can. Problem solving applied to emotions and
thoughts backfires. It works well in the outside world, but it falls terribly
short of its promise when it comes to the world within us.
It’s worth noting that this failure to control your thoughts and feelings is
not your fault. We have all learned that we should be able to do this. We have
all been told that we should be able to “get over it,” “move on,” or “let it go.”
We live in a social system that has given us false hope about the power of
problem solving applied to the very natural human response of emotional
pain.
The processes that support awareness are present moment and self-as-
context (see box). Together, they create a sense of self, experienced in the
present moment, that is more than any single thought or emotion. The work
undertaken in this pillar is about helping you live in the here and now—the
only place where life is unfolding. It will help you view yourself as more than
your pain and indeed more than any thought or emotion you might
experience.
The processes that support engagement are values and committed action
(see box). Together they create meaning and purpose in life. They are part of
the reason we invite willingness as an alternative to control. In the direction
of your values, by being willing to think and feel what you think and feel, you
can engage life now. Values justify that stance and give life purpose.
Broadly speaking, ACT uses these six core processes to help people let
go—not necessarily of their pain, but of their fruitless attempts to control it—
to decrease suffering and create meaningful lives.
Summary
We could probably spend the remaining pages of this book describing moral
violations, moral pain, and suffering. The fields of psychology, theology,
philosophy, neurobiology, and evolutionary science have so much to say
about these topics that we would barely skim the surface in two hundred
pages. But this workbook is intended for your moral healing, so in these first
two chapters we have provided a foundation from which you can begin this
healing journey. As we explore the topics of ACT and healing, we’ll support
your healing by inviting you not only to gain new knowledge, but also to
apply it by engaging in exercises. (For extra practice, read and complete the
worksheet Moral Injury and the Paradox of Control downloadable at
http://www.newharbinger.com/44772. See the very back of this book for more
details.)
Continuing to lay the foundation of wisdom to set the context for the
future work, in chapter 3 we’ll explore moral values—those guiding
principles that facilitate or maintain connection, cohesion, survival, and
thriving in relationships and communities—by mapping your moral
communities.
CHAPTER 3:
Mapping Your Moral Communities
Name:
Name:
Name:
Have any of these roles been affected by your moral injury? If so,
consider the impact and write about it briefly:
We would not be surprised if you noticed that your social roles have
been affected by your moral injury. We recognize that moral injury can
influence how you experience and engage in the larger social world. This is
what makes this journey of moral healing so important.
Notice if these roles have been affected by your moral injury; if they
have, consider the impact and write about it briefly:
Notice how your relationship with yourself has been affected by moral
injury. Write about this briefly:
What did you notice as you completed this exercise? What do you
observe about your roles within your different groups and
communities?
What do you notice about your values as you express them in those
groups? How has moral injury impacted the way you engage with
these communities?
Example Map
Summary
If moral injury is essentially a social wound, then healing from moral injury is
ultimately a social process too. By mapping out your moral communities in
this chapter, you have begun to identify the impact of the injury on your
relationships with others and yourself. This insight allows you to begin the
process of moral healing. (For extra practice read and complete the worksheet
Mapping Your Moral Communities downloadable at http://www
.newharbinger.com/44772.)
The remainder of this book will help you learn to use ACT techniques
and skills to embrace the values—the things that matter to you—that will help
you increase a sense of peace and purpose within yourself and toward the
communities you care about. We will begin this journey by continuing to look
at your relationship with yourself, working together to observe that you are
much more than your thoughts, emotions, and memories—even much more
than your moral injury. Let’s journey forward.
PART 2:
1. I am
2. I am
3. I am
4. I am
5. I am
6. I am
7. I am
8. I am
9. I am
10. I am
11. I am
12. I am
13. I am
14. I am
15. I am
16. I am
17. I am
18. I am
19. I am
20. I am
Review the labels you’ve given yourself, and notice what remains
the same in every statement: the words “I am.” No matter what you filled
in, there is always an “I” that experiences each of those twenty roles or
states of being. This “I” is the self that has each of these experiences,
including moral injury.
Let’s learn more about this self—this larger sense of self that holds each
of your experiences and is also much more than those experiences.
Let’s further define each of these senses of you and link them to moral
injury and how recognition of these senses of self can help you to heal.
Self-as-Concept
Self-as-concept refers to the way you describe yourself. It includes each
of the labels, ideas, and stories that you have about yourself. It is all of the
characters on your stage. It includes the twenty statements you wrote in the
preceding exercise as well as each of your social roles and identities. This
“narrower” sense of self is reflected in answers you might give to the
question, “Who are you?”
You might answer this question in many ways. You might describe
yourself with descriptors like “smart,” “strong,” “weak,” or “cowardly.” You
might answer with full stories about yourself that include things that have
happened to you in the past or ideas about what you want in the future. We
most often talk about our self-as-concept as our “identities.”
Interestingly, the origin of the word identity is a word meaning the
“same” or “oneness.” Therefore, when we speak about our identities, we are
saying that we are the same as the words we say about ourselves. We treat the
self and the words as equal. We become one with our words. There is one
very big problem with this: the descriptions and the thing described are two
different things.
When we lose the distinction between thinking (the description) and the
self who is doing the thinking, we become entangled with the words,
descriptions, and labels our minds have learned about us. In your recovery
from moral injury, recognizing self-as-concept is about disentangling self and
mind; that is, disentangling who you are from the labels you use to define
yourself—especially the negative ones linked to the moral injury (for
example, “evil” or “broken”). You are a human being with a mind, not a
human who is a mind. You are a self with concepts, identities, and social
roles; you are not the identities and social roles themselves. Let’s look at the
process of disentangling the self from ideas and labels.
1. When you read the statements this new way, do you notice more of
a distinction, distance, or separation between the person (“I” or “self”)
and the words?
4. Again, notice the one thing that remains the same—the “I.”
Even as we ask you to notice a sense of self that is more than any words
or ideas, we also acknowledge that these words and ideas are there, and they
play important roles in your life. To begin healing, it will be important to
notice the distinction between self and descriptions of self and to disentangle
yourself from the words or labels your mind generates when that
entanglement interferes with living your values-based life. Even if “bad” is a
label that you notice, it is important to recognize that a word like “bad” and
yourself are two different things. “Bad” may be a character that crosses your
stage, but it doesn’t define you.
Self-as-Process
Self-as-process is the sense of you as a being who is constantly experiencing
changes across time. As we’ve said, there are many plays on the stage;
characters are coming and going and moving about the stage all the time. This
is self-as-process. This self notices what’s happening within and around you
in the present moment. This self notices change across time. It is from this
sense of self that you observe the flow of thoughts, emotions, and sensations
as they rise and fall with each passing moment.
1. Start by noticing that you can feel yourself sitting on the chair. Take
time to become aware of each part of your body that is touching the
chair, simply noticing each of the sensations.
2. Now turn your attention to the feeling of your feet on the floor. Just
notice the sensations that you feel as your feet rest on the floor.
3. Now turn your attention to your body temperature. Are parts of you
either warm or cold? Be aware of these sensations.
5. Now bring your attention to your nose, and notice the sensation of
air moving in and out. Simply notice your breathing, gently paying
attention to the air coming in and flowing out.
6. Finally, release your attention from your breathing and again focus
gently on your body and how it feels to sit in the chair. Sit quietly for a
moment, noticing this experience, before moving forward in the
workbook.
Mindfulness practice will help you to create space in your life for
something more than moral pain. It connects you to a sense of you that is in
motion—you are an experiencing being, not a static being. Becoming aware
of self-as-process through mindfulness will help you live more fully in the
present. Being aware of the moment is a powerful release from the past and
the future. But this takes practice. Consider setting aside time daily to develop
this resource for meaningful living and for staying in touch with the ongoing
flow of experience daily. We’ll revisit this topic throughout this book,
particularly in chapter 8. You can also check out the chapter 8 handout for
additional practice and resources.
Self-as-Context
The distinction between self and mind (thinking) becomes particularly
important when something happens in life that you don’t like or care for—
such as moral injury. When moral pain becomes one of the characters on your
stage, it’s essential to notice that you are far more than just this one character
—this one piece of your life (though this may be challenging at first). This
character may be very loud, it may speak frequently, and it seems to show up
in every scene—moral injury can seem to take up the whole stage, like a one-
person show. You, however, are far more than a one-person show. Connecting
with this sense of self—this self that is more than any one character on the
stage—can help you recognize that you are more than your emotions,
thoughts, sensations, and memories. The “stage-level” sense of self is the self-
as-context.
Observing You
You can connect with self-as-context at any time to sense the
limitlessness of you as observer of your own experience. You can see that you
see; you can notice that you feel; you are aware that you think and remember
and that you have identities and roles. This experience of being the observer
is vast—it is awareness itself.
Connecting to a sense of you as the stage that holds all of your
experiences (characters called emotions, thoughts, memories, and sensations)
has a powerful outcome. If you have memories and feelings and roles—but
you are more than them—then none of them, by themselves, define you or
control you. Noticing this larger sense of you can help you experience the
freedom to choose.
The next exercise will help you get connected to this larger sense of you.
Now notice that you have emotions, but you are not any single
emotion. You are the place where emotions occur. You are more than
your emotions.
Now notice that you have these memories, but you are not any
single one of them. The childhood memory, the one from last year, the
one from yesterday—you can “see” each, yet there are many more.
Notice that you are more than any of the memories you have.
4. Take a minute or two and let your mind wander. Now notice all the
different thoughts that went through your mind in that short period of
time. Write some of the thoughts here.
Notice that you have thoughts, but you are not any single thought.
You are the place where thoughts occur. Consider the billions of
thoughts that you may have had in your lifetime. You are constantly
thinking, yet you are more than what you think.
Notice the different aspects of you that you just explored—
sensations, emotions, memories, thoughts. Notice that, as you explored
the different experiences, there was a self there noticing these different
experiences—an observer.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
body…and then I remembered who was telling me this.
—Emo Philips
The “Am” in I Am
Have you ever made a mistake and reactively exclaimed, “I am stupid!”? This
phrase leaves little space between “I” and “stupid.” Moreover, the little word
in between there, “am,” promotes fusion. “Am” is the present tense of “to
be.” “Am” appears to define one’s existence. So, saying “I am stupid”
suggests that “stupid” defines your existence. Remember how you completed
the Twenty Statements exercise in chapter 4? Fusion with labels and
judgments can get you stuck, seeing yourself from only one perspective. But
you are much more than any label you have for yourself.
You, like all of us, have probably done things that might be called
“stupid.” However, you are not stupid. Your existence is not stupid. Similarly,
you are not “broken,” “useless,” “hopeless,” “evil,” “bad,” or any of those
other words your mind has used to label you since your morally injurious
event. Defusion is important here. Taking a different view of your thinking
can be helpful. By taking a step back from these words, labels, and
judgments, we can begin to notice that there is a lot more going on around
them.
To demonstrate, let’s look at how fusion makes certain thoughts bigger,
sometimes so big that they are the only things we notice. While we’re doing
that, we’ll also invite you to notice what happens to the space around you
when you get so close to your thoughts that you become entangled in them.
1. What did you notice as you decreased the distance between you
and the word “ENTANGLED”? What did you notice with the book
pressed up against your face? Did you experience any sensations or
emotions as you held the book in close?
You likely noticed that “ENTANGLED” became bigger and the other
text around it became fuzzy and impossible to read.
You may have even stopped noticing that there were any other
words around “ENTANGLED.”
When the book was touching your face (as if fused to it), you might
have felt blocked, stuck, trapped, or restricted.
You likely noticed that “ENTANGLED” became smaller and that the
words around it came into clearer view.
You may have even noticed that there was a whole world going on
around the book.
As you moved the book away, you may have felt more free,
unrestricted, clear, or open.
3. What stayed the same, regardless of how close you were to the
book?
2. Imagine you have a fresh lemon in your hands. You’ve just picked it
off a tree. Notice how the lemon looks: its vibrant yellow color, its oval
shape, the small dimples in the skin. Take time to really see every
aspect of this lemon in your hands.
3. Now, imagine the way the lemon feels. Feel the texture—
smoothness or roughness—of the skin as you move your fingers over
it. Squeeze the lemon or press into it with your thumb and notice
whether it is firm or squishy. Notice the weight and how it feels as you
roll it back and forth in your hands.
4. Next, imagine taking your fingernails and digging them into the skin
of the lemon, breaking it open. Notice the sound that the skin makes
as you break through. Begin to pull the lemon apart slowly and notice
the sound that it makes as you tear it open. Keep slowly pulling the
lemon apart, listening closely, until you have broken it in two.
5. Imagine bringing one half of the lemon up to your face and inhaling
deeply through your nose, paying attention to the scent of the lemon.
Imagine its tangy aroma. As you smell the fragrant tartness of the
lemon, notice if your mouth begins to water.
6. Finally, bring one half of the lemon slowly to your mouth and take a
big bite, tasting the fruit. Notice your reactions: your lips may pucker,
you may feel a pinch in your jaw, you may scrunch up your face. Even
as these things happen, continue to chew the lemon slowly, and notice
its taste.
Reflection: In the past few minutes, you have seen, felt, heard,
smelled, and tasted a lemon. But are you actually holding a lemon?
Chances are there’s not a lemon anywhere near you. And yet, by
connecting fully with the words on this page and the imagery in your
mind, you were reacting—seeing the lemon, salivating, tasting, and
scrunching up your face. You were reacting to an image that your mind
created. However, there is no lemon, only the word “lemon” and your
reactions to it.
If at this point you’re noticing something within you pushing back, this
could be your mind. Or maybe it’s your heart; the pushback may be beyond
the words in your mind, and you feel the truth of these painful moral
judgments. We want to recognize that this pain is real. The key message in
this exercise is about recognizing the distinction between words and what
they refer to. Because we think in words and images, we treat them as if they
are literally true and present. But this can get us stuck in moral pain. As we
journey forward, we’ll return to this felt sense of moral truth—the one that
comes from the heart. For now, we invite you to continue on this portion of
our journey: defusing from your mind.
Review the words you checked. See if you can detect what we mean
by “sticky.” These types of words tend to pull people in, like quicksand.
We get caught up in them and struggle, as they seem to tell us that we
are somehow broken and need fixing. They can even sink us into darker
places, where we feel we don’t deserve love or kindness, or even to be
a part of humanity. These words seem to be especially powerful.
Exploring whether these thoughts are helpful to you right now, in this
moment, can be useful. Our goal is not to debate the truth or untruth of these
thoughts, but rather to see how they work in your life.
When the mind gets wrapped up in judging the past or future, in judging
oneself or others, it’s not paying attention to the moment. While the mind is
busy imagining how great it would be if it weren’t for a particular event or
memory, or when it’s dwelling on a past choice, we relinquish our power to
do anything right now, in this moment. As a result, we’ve also given away
another precious here-and-now moment that we can never get back.
See if you can observe what you wrote with some distance, getting space
between you and your evaluations.
Moral Rules
Earlier in this book, we talked about morality of the mind, which includes all
the thoughts we have about right and wrong, good and bad, just and unjust.
These beliefs or expectations are learned from our communities—our
families, friends, schools, faith communities, and so on. These beliefs are
often summarized and organized into a string of words we call a “rule.” Rules
are defined as specific codes that govern the ways we should behave. Rules
are shortcuts that guide behavior. Rules are designed to ensure that specific
underlying values are not violated. However, they don’t ensure that values are
lived.
Governments have rules in the form of laws. Religious institutions have
rules such as commandments or mitzvot. The military and law enforcement
agencies have rules of engagement. Many of these are moral rules, which
help to ensure that the desires or priorities of one individual or a small group
do not negatively impact the larger community. In this way, rules can be
extremely helpful and important.
1. Should Heinz have broken into the doctor’s office to steal the
medicine?
Yes
No
Whether you initially agreed or disagreed that Heinz should steal the
medicine, you were likely able to come up with a logical argument both for
and against. How did you do that? You must have stepped back far enough
from whatever rules guided your original decision to notice the other potential
options. If Heinz had been fused with a rule—for example, “Thou shalt not
steal”—he might have perceived no real choice available to him. Or, if he
chose to violate the rule, fusing with it after the fact, he might have concluded
that he was a bad person for stealing. The main point here is that defusion
allows us to consider all options and potentially prioritize our values—our
guiding lights in life.
What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of
difference you want to make.
—Jane Goodall
Living life with purpose and meaning can sometimes prove challenging,
especially when you feel captured by the pain of past events. In the previous
chapter, we described how your mind is something that you have, not
something that you are. We explored how you can defuse or gain some
distance from your mind and thoughts in the service of taking important
actions in your life today. In this chapter, we will explore what guides those
important actions: values. We will work to help you clarify what those
essential qualities of life are, helping you to discover (or rediscover) what
matters most to you. We will also look at how values are connected to moral
pain. Indeed, the pain you experience as a result of your morally injurious
experience tells you what is important to you and may also reconnect you to
what it means to be human.
Other:
1. Go back through the list and cross out any words that don’t
resonate with you—values that don’t fit for you at this time. Crossing
off values you don’t share with others is okay.
2. Now go through what is left on the list and place a star or check
mark to the left of the values that are of high importance in your life at
this time. Mark as many as you’d like.
3. Next, rank-order your top five values, writing the numbers 1 through
5 to the right of the value. This may be challenging, as each value may
seem as important as the others, but try to rank them anyway.
Remember, your values are still there, even if you may not be living
them in the way you would like. This is just a personal exploration
exercise, and you are free to reevaluate or change your mind at any
time.
For some people, their values are clear and easy to identify; they may
even be easy to rank-order. For others it is more difficult. We each have
multiple deeply held values. Bringing your values into your awareness and
clarifying them will make it easier to engage them in your day-to-day life.
As you worked through the exercise, you may have noticed that one or
more of your values was violated during the morally injurious event. Keep
these specific values in mind as you continue through this chapter, learning
more about how violation of important values can lead to pain and even to
great suffering. Ultimately, we want you to discover how reconnecting to
values also gives hope and leads to healing.
What does your mind say about the violation of your values that
happened in the morally injurious event? Can you logically work out
the violation and why it happened? Do you have a thought or story that
you or others have used to try to explain it?
What does your heart say about the violation of your values that
happened in the morally injurious event? What were and are your
feelings about the violation of your values?
The second way mind and heart may struggle is with moral dilemmas in
which two or more moral values seem to conflict. For instance, there may be
two “right” choices or two “wrong” choices. Remember Heinz in the previous
chapter? He had the choice to steal the medicine for his wife, which would
have been the “right” choice as it aligned with his value of caring for his
loved ones, but stealing is illegal. He also had the choice not to steal the
medicine, which would have been the “right” choice, as it aligned with his
value of integrity, but his wife would have died. In an instance such as this,
choosing one value means violating another. In a high-stakes situation, there
may be painful consequences whichever choice is made.
The third way minds and hearts struggle often arises some time after the
violation, when values prioritized in one community may not be prioritized in
another. Actions previously considered “right” in one context may be
considered “wrong” in another. This is most common when we make
significant changes in our lives, like separating from the military and
reintegrating into the civilian world, leaving a violent group or community, or
joining a new faith community. After these moves, past actions that once
made sense no longer do; this can lead to struggles connecting with the new
community and relating to oneself.
Sometimes the mind and the heart do agree. And what they agree on is
the “wrongness” of the action or inaction. Then the mind and heart can band
together to try and repair the violation. They can look for ways to restore the
connection with those violated values. This might be through giving or
seeking forgiveness or by making amends or seeking restitution. However,
sometimes the mind and heart can also work together in a punishing way. In
these cases of self-punishment, the mind and heart are not in conflict, but
moral injury may still arise if you become disconnected from your values in a
way that magnifies pain and creates suffering. We’ll describe this more
following the next exercise.
In this section we’ve reviewed three ways whereby heart and mind can
come into conflict or struggle in the aftermath of a moral violation.
Experiencing such conflict can keep you stuck, preventing you from moving
forward in life. One key to moving forward is strengthening your ability to
notice the conflict, and then to decide what actions your most important
values direct you to do in the here and now.
2. Write here about how your struggle fits into one or more of these
descriptions or how your experience feels different from any of them.
It’s important to examine how your heart and mind disagree. If that is the
case, this may be contributing to the moral pain: your mind may be able to
logically explain the action or inaction that caused the moral injury, yet in
your heart it may feel wrong and painful.
Remember, heart and mind may agree or disagree, but you can hold
both. You are more than any one of the experiences you have had. Also, keep
in mind that none of the experiences of mind or heart need to be changed
before you can reengage your values. This may seem impossible, but let’s
look more closely at what can happen following a morally injurious event. It
isn’t that values disappear; it’s that they get lost in the pain and criticism.
There may be other reasons that someone stays disconnected, but these
are the more common ones. As you read them, consider which may be
affecting you; there may be more than one. Also, think about whether there
are other reasons relevant to you that we may have missed. Regardless, notice
how, inevitably, this separation from values and disengagement from values-
aligned actions leads to suffering, sorrow, and a feeling that life is lacking in
meaning.
A Sense of Unworthiness
People may also become disconnected from values through a sense of
unworthiness. We hinted at this previously when we described getting stuck
in (or fused with) judgments. This kind of disconnection may include
thoughts that we are unworthy of love, connection, happiness, success,
freedom, or other values—usually when we feel we are responsible for the
violation of our values.
Consider the story of Robert at the beginning of this book. His son died
when Robert caused a car wreck by texting while driving. If Robert
experiences immense self-blame and condemnation so that he develops a
sense he is unworthy of the love and trust of his wife and remaining child, he
may pull away from them. He may even actively push them away. In doing
so, however, Robert is “losing” both of his children as well as his wife. So
Robert’s pain at the loss of his son, compounded by his sense of unworthiness
and his withdrawal from his loved ones, brings further suffering and even
greater loss. Not only will Robert continue to struggle, but his remaining
child and his wife will miss out on his love and support at the time they are
most needed. In a sense, by trying to avoid his pain, he’s perpetuating the
values violation.
Now read the following questions and write your answers on the lines
provided.
1. Is the value that was violated still vital to you in some way? Notice
how it still has meaning for you.
2. Where did you learn this value? What group or community did it
come from (for example, family, school, faith community)?
It is possible to live your values going forward. Indeed, the very pain
that you feel as a result of the values violation likely comes from your values
compass strongly orienting you toward what matters. In the next section, we
will explore how our pain often tells us what is important to us.
2. Next, label each of the four quadrants of the bull’s-eye with a value
you have in that context, community, or role.
Example:
Look at each section of your completed bull’s-eyes and notice which
X’s are near the center and which are not. Where the mark is far from
the center, reflect on what is keeping you from getting closer to the
center. Right now, all you need to do is notice where you seem to be “off
center.” Save these bull’s-eyes. We will return to values-based living
through committed action in chapter 11.
We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it
has gone through to achieve that beauty.
—Maya Angelou
What Is Acceptance?
In chapter 2, we shared the observation of Wilson and DuFrene (2008) that
people and their emotions are like sunsets, not like math problems. We are
here to experience emotions, not control them. This may be different from
what you have learned. From early childhood most of us are taught to fix,
control, or eliminate our uncomfortable emotions. We are told that emotions
are much like math problems—that is, unpleasant emotions are a problem to
be figured out and solved. We’ve learned that we must work to change or get
rid of uncomfortable emotions in order to feel happy, relieved, or at peace.
But what if what we have learned is wrong?
We can control many things in our lives. For instance, we can build
buildings, making safe places for us to live. We can grow crops, ensuring that
we have food. We can even manipulate ones and zeros to form a computer
language. It is impressive what we are able to control.
But notice where these examples of effective control occur. Effective
control happens outside of us. We are very good at controlling our
environment and manipulating it to make great advances for humankind.
However, if we take those same efforts and apply them to the stuff inside of
us—emotions, thoughts, and sensations—something very different happens.
The more we try to fix, problem solve, manage, or avoid our emotions, the
stronger they become, and the more frequently they tend to occur.
This paradox happens not only with thinking; it happens with emotion as
well. If it is really important for you to not experience an emotion, it is quite
likely you are already experiencing it.
Why would it be important to not feel something? It is important only if
feeling it becomes a burden in your life and can be so only if you are already
feeling it. Sometimes we try so hard to not feel certain feelings that we end up
feeling more of them. You may have anxiety about your anxiety, or sadness
that you feel sad. You may feel guilty about your guilt or disgusted over your
feelings of disgust. See how it works? When it seems really important to fix,
eliminate, solve, or control an emotion, we end up feeling even more of that
emotion.
The more you try to control your moral pain, the more it lingers or even
intensifies. You may have heard the old saying, “What you resist, persists.”
This is true for emotional experience and for moral pain.
1. Close your eyes for a moment and come into contact with an
emotional experience connected to the moral injury that you find most
difficult. Locate this experience in your body.
2. Now imagine that you could pull this emotional experience outside
of you, set it in front of you, and give it a living, breathing shape. What
would this emotional experience look like if you could bring it to life?
Describe it:
3. Now imagine that this shape is facing you, across from a very deep
hole, so deep and dark that you can’t see the bottom. Imagine that this
shape is holding one end of a rope, you are holding the other end, and
you are each pulling the rope tight over the deep hole in a full-on game
of tug-of-war with this emotional “monster.” Answer the following
questions:
a. How long have you been in this tug-of-war with your moral pain?
d. What if you were to drop the rope? Write about what it would mean
to stop playing tug-of-war—to simply drop the rope:
e. Notice that dropping the rope doesn’t make the moral injury monster
go away. The emotional pain is still there. However, when you are no
longer trying to win the game, to control the emotion by overcoming it,
you are free to move about in your life. Your hands and feet are now
available for other activities, like values-based actions. Write about
what you might do and where you might go now that you are no longer
holding the rope and engaging with the monster:
You can let go of the struggle to try to control the experience of pain.
Trying to control it only sustains it or makes it more difficult, anyway.
Remember, your emotions are not like math problems, to be solved and
eliminated. They are like sunsets, to be observed and experienced.
“Dropping the rope” doesn’t make the monster go away. Your pain
remains part of your experience. And at certain times, the monster might try
to reengage you in another round of tug-of-war. Dropping the rope is an
ongoing process. Acceptance is an ongoing process that requires awareness
and willingness in each moment. Let’s continue exploring acceptance as the
alternative to control.
1. Holding a pen (or pencil) in each hand, sit in a chair with your
elbows at your sides and your hands in front of you, palms facing
upward and a pen resting in each hand.
2. Allow the pen in one hand to rest gently in your open palm.
3. With the other hand, begin to squeeze the other pen as tightly as
you can, as if the pen were actually quite powerful and you had to hold
on tightly to keep it from moving. Without hurting yourself, bear down
on the second pen with all the strength of your fingers, hand, and arm.
Continue squeezing the pen, noticing the physical sensations and
urges that you feel as you squeeze.
You might notice the initial tension of squeezing, which then gives
way to a tingling sensation and a growing numbness in your gripping
hand (don’t let up—keep squeezing!).
At this point, your clenched fist is probably feeling tired and starting
to ache, and you may be ready to stop squeezing. But we aren’t
finished quite yet.
6. Now stop squeezing and open that hand slowly. As you do so, pay
close attention to the sensations. Slowly open...notice the
sensations...continue slowly opening, and continue noticing. You might
find that after squeezing so hard, for so long, your closed fist actually
is hard to open—like it’s resisting opening up. Your hand will have
impressions and indentations where the pen was pressed into it.
7. What else do you notice? Take a few moments to write about your
observations. Compare and contrast letting the pen rest in one hand
and squeezing the pen in the other.
Acceptance may mean greater contact with the painful emotion. But
would you be willing to feel it if that enabled you to live your values again?
Realize, too, that when we engage control rather than acceptance, we close
ourselves off to other things, wasting a huge amount of energy and causing
more damage in the process (like the indentations in your hand from the pen).
Let’s continue to explore the differences between openness or
willingness and being closed off or unwilling.
Summary
Engaging from a stance of acceptance of our past, our thoughts, and our
emotions allows us to step forward. If we are no longer engaged in
unworkable efforts to not think and feel what we think and feel, we free
ourselves to take steps that move us in new directions. As noted in chapter 6,
we are hopeful that this new freedom can enable actions in line with your
personal values. Being open, aware, and engaged is the antidote to suffering,
both at a personal level and in relationship to your community. The place to
live your values is here and the time to live them is now. (For extra practice
read and complete the worksheet Embracing Moral Pain in the Service of
Vital Living downloadable at http://www.newharbinger .com/44772.)
We turn next, in chapter 8, to living in the moment. Bringing your heart
and mind along, remain open and accepting in your efforts to step back onto
the path of values.
CHAPTER 8:
There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is
called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow. Today is the right
day to love, believe, do and mostly live.
—The Dalai Lama
1. How much time in a single, sixteen-hour day (minus the typical eight
hours of sleep) do you spend dwelling on the past? Take time to reflect
and consider all the different situations and ways in which your mind
might be dwelling on something that happened in the past: for
instance, thinking about what happened in the last week, the day
before today, or even the past hour. Mark an X to indicate the
approximate amount of time:
3. Take time to reflect on the amount of time you indicated for each,
past and future. Combined, how much time in a single sixteen-hour
day do you spend thinking about what was or what will be?
Notice how much time in a week, month, and year you devote to
what is past and what hasn’t happened yet. Doing the math will show
how little time you spend in the here and now. Reflect on the lost
moments—moments lost in the struggle against what was or what will
be. Each taking away from what is. Each moving you away from where
life happens—the here and now.
1. Sit comfortably where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes and
bring to mind a difficult memory from your life that is not about the
morally injurious event. Perhaps it is a loss or disappointment, an
argument in a relationship, or a time when things didn’t go as planned.
Now take time to wander around in this memory. Notice the sights and
sounds of the memory and all that was happening. Notice who you
were with, if anyone, and what their presence brought to the
experience. After spending several moments with the memory, take a
minute to reflect on any part of it that felt vital or significant. Write
about what you discovered:
2. Now close your eyes and bring to mind a pleasant memory from
your life. Perhaps it is a time when you felt loved or connected, a
special time like a birthday or anniversary, or a time when things
worked out just right. Take time to wander around in this memory.
Notice the sights and sounds of the memory and all that was
happening. Notice who you were with, if anyone, and what their
presence brought to the experience. After spending some time with
the memory, take a minute to reflect on any part of it that felt vital or
important. Write about what you discovered:
Connecting to the moment and living more fully there are a part of
creating our personal meaning across time. Living your values in the moment
—being present to what you sense, think, and feel, as well as being present
with those you love—is vitality.
a. Gently close your eyes or gaze softly on a spot on the floor in front
of you. Bring your attention to your breath at the tip of your nose.
Begin to notice the flow of your breath as it passes in and out of your
nostrils. Using your attention, follow the breath all the way in and all
the way out. If it helps you focus, you can say to yourself breathing in
on the in-breath and breathing out on the out-breath. Simply follow
your breath with focused attention. If your attention gets drawn away
to other places, or if your mind gets busy, simply acknowledge without
judgment that you lost focus, return your attention to the tip of your
nose, and again follow the breath as it moves in and out of your body.
If you are drawn away a hundred times, acknowledge and return a
hundred times. That is the practice of mindfulness—returning to the
moment again and again. When the timer alarm sounds, take a deep
slow breath, ending your practice.
b. Do this as often possible, even daily if you choose. The more you
engage in this kind of more formal practice, the more you will be able
to stay present.
a. Turn your attention to your hearing. Focus on sound, noticing all the
different sounds around you. If you are outside, you might notice the
sounds of nature. If you are indoors, you might notice the air
conditioner or furnace or voices in the background. Notice the intensity
(how loud or quiet) or quality (sharp or soft) of the sound. Notice the
rise and fall of sound as you continue listening. Spend a few moments
(or the time you’ve set) on hearing before moving on to the next
sense.
b. Turn your attention to seeing. Focus on what you see. You can
notice many different colors and objects, or you can place your
attention on a single object like a tree or flower. Let yourself gently
focus on seeing, attending to both the smaller details and the bigger
picture of what you see. Spend a few moments on seeing before
moving on to the next sense.
d. Practice shifting your focus among the senses. For instance, if you
are outside, you might first attend to what you hear for a period, and
then to what you see, and finally to sensations on your skin. Gently
move to different senses as you practice focusing on your senses in
each new moment.
a. Write your signature as many times as you can for sixty seconds on
the lines provided (if you think you will need more space, use a
separate piece of paper).
b. Afterward, note what that experience was like (painful, boring,
sloppy, mindless). Now write your signature again, but this time write in
super slow motion so that you write your signature just once in the
entire sixty-second period. Don’t worry about finishing.
c. Notice how this experience was different from the first time.
Compare and contrast how moving quickly often involves impulsivity
and habit, while moving slowly requires focus and choice.
Additional Resources: There are many resources that can assist you
in building a regular practice of mindful awareness. Phone apps like
Mindfulness Coach, Headspace, and Calm are available in Apple’s App
Store for iOS devices or on Google Play for Android. You can also find
mindfulness exercises on YouTube, as well as audio recordings. Again,
the key to living more fully in the moment is practice. Set yourself a goal
of practicing at scheduled times as well as throughout your day.
1. Mindful Seeing
b. You can share what you are doing with your partner before you
begin, or simply do it in small moments throughout the day.
2. Noticing Emotion
3. Mindful Listening
Summary
Living in the moment is where vitality unfolds. Being present to sensation,
thought, and the ongoing flow of experiences within you and between others
brings every moment to life. Practicing mindful awareness builds your ability
to engage, connecting you to what you are doing and allowing you the
freedom to choose. (For extra practice read and complete the worksheet
Living Your Values in the Present Moment downloadable at
http://www.newhar binger.com/44772.)
Now that we have explored most of the processes of well-being and
flexibility—self-as-context, defusion, values, acceptance, and present
moment—in part 3 we turn to two important issues related to recovery from
moral injury: forgiveness and compassion. We will rely on the processes
already explored in this book to support your exploration of these topics.
PART 3:
Defining Forgiveness
From the ACT perspective, action is built into recovery. Making and keeping
commitments that are consistent with your values is a defining quality of a
life well-lived. With this basic idea in mind, let’s focus on two meanings of
the word “forgive.” The first comes from its Old English origin: to give away
completely the desire to punish. The second meaning is our own construction:
seeing “for” as the Old English “before” and drawing on the Latin perdonare
for the “give”: “to give completely, without reservation.” We see the act of
forgiveness as giving what came before the harm (to fore-give): giving back to
yourself or others the type of relationship that was there before the harm—
before the moral injury.
Viewing both meanings together, forgiveness is an act of giving linked to
an intention—letting go of punishment. Let’s take a closer look at each.
Letting Go of Punishment
Punishment involves inflicting a penalty or engaging in retribution for
the violation of a rule or code. In the context of this book, it would be about
punishing yourself or someone else for a moral violation. It makes sense that
those suffering with moral injury view themselves or others as deserving of
punishment. They feel that those responsible must pay for the offense. We
recognize the reasoning behind this position. There is a logical sort of “if,
then” process that follows the violation. Our minds tell us that if someone
violates a moral value, that person deserves punishment. However, if we look
a little closer, we can see that punishment itself does not repair the violation.
Quite often, a punishment that is self-directed or wished upon others
instead serves to prolong the pain of the individual who suffered the moral
injury, and it may also create additional suffering for others. When creating
pain is the focus, correction doesn’t happen, especially when the punishment
takes the form of repeated, harsh condemnations that don’t change behavior
for the better. Indeed, punishment of this kind can inadvertently continue to
violate values long after the original violation, creating an ever-lengthening
chain of even more damage and suffering.
Let’s take the example of Robert from chapter 1. Robert suffered a
terrible loss when he looked at a text while driving and lost his son in the
ensuing car accident. Robert believed that he did not deserve forgiveness; his
only son had died as a result of his error. He became harshly critical toward
himself, beating himself up about his “carelessness” and “stupidity.” He felt
extreme guilt and disgust with his behavior. He was angry with himself for
not checking the seat belts and for glancing at a text. Only a heartless person
could do something like that, he would say to himself. Robert felt he deserved
to be punished, to be alone, to suffer.
When viewed in a purely logical way, Robert’s self-punishment makes
sense. Robert engaged in an action that led to a permanent and terrible loss.
He engaged in behavior that violated his values of responsibility and caring.
Therefore, being punished through self-criticism and loathing could be seen
as a “proper” or “fair” response. However, as Robert became lost in his self-
punishment, something else began to happen. He began to pull away from his
daughter and wife. Robert began to sink into the emotions and pain of the
loss. He began to believe that he did not deserve the love of his wife and
daughter and that if they left, that would be a fitting punishment as well.
Robert’s family cared deeply for him and could see his pain and remorse.
They would try to share and engage with him, yet he would pull away, again
and again, thinking he did not deserve to be part of the family he felt he had
destroyed. The whole family started to suffer. The values of responsibility and
caring continued to be violated. Robert’s way forward, including treating
himself as he once did—as a husband and father connected to his family
through sharing and kindness—gave way to self-criticism and absorption in
the belief that he deserved to be punished. Lost in his reaction to his moral
pain, Robert had lost contact with the impact his self-punishment was having
on others.
Giving up the desire to punish would mean, for Robert, that he could be
a husband who returned to being present and connected with his wife and
daughter. But holding onto the desire to punish and withholding self-
forgiveness keeps alive emotions of hurt, anger, and blame that can discolor
our relationships. As we dwell on the injury, we begin to feel trapped in the
past. Holding onto the suffering can lead to increased sorrow, only
intensifying it and keeping it alive.
Similar patterns can happen when your moral pain stems from betrayal
by someone else. Remaining angry and disgusted with someone for violating
values can also affect you and those you care about in significant and
negative ways. But forgiveness—letting go of punishment—can lead to
resilience and healing from the struggle.
Finally, there’s an important question to ask, tapping the definition that
began the chapter. Punishment’s true purpose is to make a correction. What
needs to be corrected? We propose that the correction is about returning to
values-based living—as you move through each day, reengaging the morals
that were violated: honoring life, showing love or that you care, and
connecting authentically with others. These are values that can be dishonored
when you attempt to punish yourself or others for a moral violation. But you
can honor those values by putting your feet back in motion, again aligning
with your values, and engaging them fully in your behavior.
For the next two questions, before you respond, take more time to
reflect—and be honest with yourself.
4. What might my life look like if I completely let go of the desire and
power to punish myself or others?
2. Now consider the possibility that you could begin to treat yourself
that way once again. What shows up for you when you think about
this? What might get in the way? Jot down a couple of barriers:
If you notice that any of the barriers are feelings (guilt, anger,
sadness, disgust), thoughts (I deserve to suffer, I could never forgive
myself, people are evil) or sensations (fast heart rate, heaviness in the
chest), remember that you can mindfully observe these experiences,
acknowledge how they serve you, and make a choice to give yourself or
others what went before.
1. Based on your moral injury, have you ever considered making some
repair as part of an act of forgiveness? If yes, why did you want to
make that repair? If no, what would it mean to you to begin
considering some repair?
2. Do you think engaging in reparations would be useful for you and
your healing? If yes, in what way? If no, what do you find challenging
in thinking about reparations?
3. If you were to make a repair, what would you choose to do? Take
time and consider as many different activities as would make sense.
Write two or three of them here.
Summary
In this chapter, we explored what it means to act forgivingly rather than
trying to feel forgiving or forgiven. Although you may feel a sense of relief or
peace when working on forgiveness, these emotions are temporary and will
rise and fall just like any other emotions. Forgiveness is about letting go of
punishment and giving back to yourself or others what came before the moral
violation—either the relationship you had with yourself or another, or
something you hoped for in creating your life. The work of forgiveness can be
challenging and may last for years, but the freedom from suffering and
healing from pain you may gain is worth the time and effort. (For extra
practice read and complete the worksheet A Bold Move of Forgiveness
downloadable at http://www.newharbinger.com/44772.)
Forgiveness is intimately connected with compassionate practice.
Compassion is a part of the work of forgiveness, and the subject we address
in chapter 10.
CHAPTER 10:
What is that one thing, which when you possess, you have all other
virtues? It’s compassion.
—Attributed to the Buddha
What Is Compassion?
What comes to mind when you think of the word “compassion” and its
meaning? Take a moment to notice the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that
show up when you consider this. Jot down your definition and the
experiences you noticed when thinking about compassion.
Each of us probably has a slightly different understanding of and
relationship with compassion. Some may see compassion as a strength. Some
may see it as a weakness. Some may see it as pity; others may see it as love.
However you currently view compassion, it will be helpful to understand its
true meaning. The definition of compassion is the felt sense that arises when
we are confronted with suffering (that of others or our own) and feel an urge
to alleviate or prevent that suffering.
In his book CFT Made Simple: A Clinician’s Guide to Practicing
Compassion-Focused Therapy, Dr. Russell Kolts (2016) says that
“compassion is born of the recognition that, deep down, we all just want to be
happy and don’t want to suffer.” He acknowledges that human life is hard. We
struggle. And, in the face of struggle, if we evaluate ourselves as broken—
isolating ourselves; criticizing, attacking, and rejecting ourselves and our pain
—then we bring more suffering upon ourselves. However, responding to pain
with compassion gives us an alternative, one that frees us to live our values
more fully. The greater and more soul-wrenching the pain, the more
compassion is needed.
In the face of moral injury, you have known great suffering. We invite
you now to know great compassion.
1. To begin, you will assume the role (and chair) of the critic. Take a
moment before you write to get in touch with your moral pain. Gently
bring the memory of the experience to mind. Allow yourself to briefly
visit the memory and its fallout without getting too caught up in the
memory itself. Simply rest in the reflection for a few moments.
2. Begin to notice any criticisms that might arise as you consider the
impact of the moral violation. Now let yourself step fully into the role of
the critic—the part of you that evaluates and judges you for what
happened. Say out loud what the critical part of you is thinking. For
example, “I am unlovable because of what happened.” “People will
always betray me.” “Forgiveness is out of reach.” or “I am a horrible
person.” Express yourself honestly. Try to experience this aspect of
yourself fully. As you speak as the critic, notice your thoughts, your
tone of voice, your facial expressions, and your body language. Also
notice which emotions are showing up.
3. Before you leave this role (chair), take a moment to describe your
experience:
4. Next, take the role (chair) of the criticized self. Imagine you are now
hearing the critical thoughts just written by the critic, speaking with the
tone and body language from that role. Picture yourself receiving the
criticism.
5. From this perspective, say out loud the thoughts and feelings you
experience in response to the words just shared by your inner critic.
Respond directly to the critic; for example, “I feel hopeless when you
say that.” “That makes me incredibly sad.” Express yourself honestly.
Try to experience this aspect of yourself fully. Again, as you say these
things, notice your words, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body
language as well as the emotions that are showing up.
c. What facial expressions and body language does the criticized self
have or do you imagine they might have?
7. Next, step into the role (chair) of the compassionate observer.
Anchor yourself in the present moment. You may want to imagine
being someone you know who holds deep wisdom, caring concern,
and kindness; however, it should still be a part of you sitting in this
chair at this moment.
8. Imagine that you can see the critic and the criticized self in front of
you. Allow yourself, as that compassionate observer, to first respond to
the critic. You may wish to also speak these responses out loud before
writing them down.
a. What wisdom might you offer the critic in this moment as the
compassionate observer?
b. In this moment, how might you offer kindness to the criticized self?
Each of us holds each of these three aspects of self. Connecting to and
understanding each of these parts of you—especially the compassionate
observer—will help you to learn how to offer compassion to yourself and
others. Remember from previous chapters that your true self is a stage that
holds each of these selves, and that evaluation and judgment remove you
from the present moment—the place where compassionate action happens. So
when you notice your critic or criticized self showing up or when you notice
others’ critics or criticized selves joining the conversation, see if you can step
back into that larger sense of self—that observing self who has an endless
capacity to compassionately hold each of the different aspects of you.
Compassionate meditation—like the exercise you just completed—has
been found to enhance well-being (Shonin, Van Gordon, Compare, Zangeneh,
& Griffiths, 2015). The benefits of compassion include decreased emotional
distress and improved mood, as well as increased positive thinking.
Compassion also builds empathic accuracy, allowing you to better relate with
others and their emotional responses. And, of course, compassion can
improve relationships—which are often negatively impacted by moral injury
and its fallout.
Mindfulness
In chapter 8, we focused on getting in touch with the present moment by
paying attention to the here and now with mindful awareness or mindfulness.
Mindfulness is paying attention with purpose; it requires a willingness to
observe our thoughts, feelings, and sensations as well as our reactions to
ourselves and others with openness and awareness in the present moment,
without defense or judgment.
Mindfulness lays a foundation on which we can build the other
compassion components. Mindful awareness allows us to experience
uncomfortable, even painful, thoughts and emotions from a place of clarity
and acceptance rather than confusion, conflict, or rejection. Rather than
overly identifying with the past or negatively labeling yourself for the future,
mindfulness allows you to observe what is here right now. It frees you up to
engage in a way that decreases suffering and increases compassion.
By engaging in mindfulness, you build the capacity for greater emotional
calmness and stability. You learn to respond to emotions with more ease and
balance. This, in turn, affects the way you respond to others, reducing your
reactivity to painful experiences like criticism, blame, shame, and anger. This
allows you to engage in activities that invite connection and healing.
Kindness
Mindful awareness allows us choice. When we are aware, we better
understand ourselves and our environment. We are not caught in thought and
emotion, so we’re free to see our way through to engage in actions consistent
with our values. When you are mindful, you may still notice that the pain and
deep ache of past mistakes, transgressions, or betrayals remain. At this choice
point, compassion can represent the most helpful and healing response. Recall
that compassion is the urge we feel to alleviate suffering and soothe pain
when we observe it in ourselves or others. Kindness represents perhaps the
best way to accomplish that goal.
Kindness is about being empathetic and gentle. It entails openness to and
understanding of ourselves and others in the face of pain, failure, doubt, and
difficulty. To be kind instead of critical in the face of pain is a powerful
choice. And it is also a choice that can lessen the problem of ignoring,
struggling against, or behaving harshly toward yourself or others because of
the pain.
Kindness is not absolving yourself or others of actions for which you or
they are responsible. Responsibility still remains, but how you take
responsibility as you move forward matters. Choosing to live your values is
part of that responsibility. Kindness is also not weakness, pity, or mere
tolerance. Kindness is recognizing that pain is an inevitable part of human
life. Indeed, it is a meaningful and vital part. Kindness is understanding that
failure, even some of the most serious failures of our deepest values, is part of
what it means to be human. Choosing kindness toward yourself and others as
part of compassion is the path to learning, healing, growing, and
reconnecting. When engaging in compassion, see if you can bring kindness to
the work.
Acts of kindness may take many forms. These might include treating
yourself to something you enjoy or spending time with loved ones. Showing
compassionate kindness to others might include listening attentively while
someone talks about their pain, or spending quality time together. For
example, a solider with whom one of the authors worked felt betrayed by his
unit and by army leadership. His act of kindness was to pray for the well-
being of his unit and military leaders, even while requesting a transfer to a
different unit. He did this because he felt that the best way he could extend
compassion toward himself and toward the other soldiers by whom he felt
betrayed was to move toward new relationships rather than continue to
struggle against the current ones. This example shows that we can show
compassionate kindness simultaneously to ourselves as well as to others.
Common Humanity
Perhaps the most essential component of compassion as it relates to
moral injury is contacting and reconnecting with a shared sense of humanity.
Remember, moral wounds are social wounds. These wounds are deeply cut,
often creating a feeling that you are fully separated from others. To heal these
wounds, it is important to acknowledge and embrace the commonalities of
being human. You are not alone. Common humanity, as used in
compassionate practices, is the present-moment awareness that all humans
experience pain, all humans fail, and—at one point or another—all humans
suffer.
Social isolation—the opposite of connecting to that sense of common
humanity—prevents moral healing. To isolate is to step away from others.
This creates “aloneness” in suffering. It leads those engaged in isolation to
feel that no one can understand or feel their pain. Moral injury in combination
with isolation can make one almost feel nonhuman. Practicing compassion for
self and others, recognizing that each human has their own measure of pain,
decreases loneliness and supports connection to the community of humans
who can help us regain our social standing and belonging.
Isolation is like putting a bandage over a very wide, jagged wound. The
wound, while isolated, will not heal. In fact, it’s likely to become infected,
and the pain will increase. Getting stitches, instead, while painful and more
difficult in some ways, brings the two sides of the wound back into contact
where, with time and hard work (down to the cellular level), they can grow
together again.
All humans have been wounded. And most, if not all, humans have been
on both sides of a wounding (the wounded and the wounder). Contacting our
common humanity in the present moment can help you both to feel less alone
and also to experience greater empathy, kindness, and connection with others
—others who love you and perhaps even others who have wronged you.
When someone else’s actions or inactions have harmed you, it may feel
especially difficult to stay connected. Recognizing your common humanity
and responding with kindness—whatever form that takes—will be a powerful
and bold move toward healing.
1. Close your eyes as you reflect on your moral injury. Take just a few
moments to gently observe the pain of this experience and how it has
disconnected you from others and from your most authentic self.
2. Next, take a deep breath in and then, on the exhale, place your right
hand over your heart and your left hand on top of the right hand. Take
it slow. Then, breathing normally, simply begin to notice.
b. Notice the warmth flowing from your hand to your chest. Pause and
observe.
3. Now, let’s take it one step further. Through this hand placed just
above your heart, send warmth, caring, and compassion into your
chest. As if reaching out to a loved one in pain—a crying child, a
whimpering pet, an ailing partner or parent—reach into yourself with
this gentle but earnest desire to relieve suffering.
What did you notice about the way this simple touch made you feel? Can
you recall a time in your life when you felt a similar way? Maybe a tight hug
from your caregiver as a child? A long embrace from your partner? Or
holding your child for the first time? You can tap into this same process by
compassionately connecting with yourself. A simple touch can be a great way
to start: a warm hand over your heart is a simple and soothing way to offer
yourself connection and compassion.
Summary
The practice of compassion is a deeply powerful and transformative
experience. It may be among the greatest gifts you can offer yourself and
others. As with most valuable skills, developing a compassionate posture
toward yourself and others takes time and practice. There is a wealth of
resources for learning more about compassion—how to know it and how to
grow it. In this chapter, we have touched on only some basic elements of
compassion and highlighted its important role in the moral healing process.
(For extra practice read and complete the worksheet A Bold Move Toward
Compassion downloadable at http://www .newharbinger.com/44772.)
Bishop Desmond Tutu once said, “Compassion is not just feeling with
someone, but seeking to change the situation. Frequently people think
compassion and love are merely sentimental. No! They are very demanding.
If you are going to be compassionate, be prepared for action!” Compassion
means taking action. That action is connecting to others in kindness and in the
present moment. In the next and final chapter of this book, we’ll invite you to
stand and commit to bold actions in the service of vital living. Cultivating
your compassion will be an essential bold move for healing from moral injury
on your committed action journey.
CHAPTER 11:
Living Is Doing
We have come to the last chapter of this book, but not the last chapter of your
journey. Indeed, we hope that your journey moving forward will be a new
beginning. Opening this book, turning its pages, and exploring its message
were preparation for the journey. But reading will never be enough. The
words and exercises in these pages may bring insight and understanding, but
to fulfill their promise, action is needed.
Action will mean taking risks. It will mean breaking out of old patterns.
It will mean turning off the autopilot mode of doing and purposely focusing
attention on what is in front of you here and now. Action is about choosing to
do something based on your personally held values, and then following
through with footsteps that bring that action to life.
Footsteps matter here. Breaking free from your suffering with moral
injury is more about moving your feet than about moving your mind. This is
because vitality in life will never be lived in the mind alone. We know this
because our attempts to find vitality by fixing our minds have only increased
our suffering. Vitality does not come from thinking; vitality happens only by
doing. And then by doing again, and again, and again. Each action requires
conscious choice. Step by step, each day is a new journey, defined by your
values.
Healing from Moral Injury: Committed Action
In chapter 2, we introduced you to the core processes of ACT. One of those
processes was committed action, the focus of this final chapter. Committed
action is the ongoing and active engagement in values-aligned behavior. Let’s
take a closer look at what is meant by this process.
The Latin origin of the word committed is a combination of two words:
com, meaning “together,” and mittere, meaning “to send.” It indicates a
binding of a person and their intention as they are sent forward in life. Thus,
in taking a committed action, a person is bound to a chosen value as they take
each step of their journey. If values function as the compass, guiding our
direction, then committed actions are the means by which we move forward
on the journey.
Getting Unstuck
Moral injury carries a high cost with respect to your relationships, your sense
of self, and your ability to engage meaningfully in the world. The moral
violation itself emerged from events or actions that were inconsistent with
your values. The moral injury flowed out of your sincere attempts to avoid or
somehow control the fallout—pain, guilt, shame, anger—of this violation.
However, your attempts to control the pain have exacted ever higher costs in
terms of quality of life.
Life’s possibilities become smaller and smaller in the face of moral
injury and the effort to avoid its emotional effects. This effort to avoid is like
being on a bicycle with a broken chain—you can pedal as fast as you want,
but the bike goes nowhere. You make a tremendous effort, but you remain
stuck. Committed action is about reattaching the bike chain. Reconnecting to
your values and bringing them to life through your behavior—pedaling with
purpose—starts you moving again and in a direction that matters to you most.
2. For column 2, take some time to think about what past actions
you’ve engaged in in your efforts to avoid your moral pain, control it, or
push it away. Write these down as well.
3. In column 3, list several actions you could take today that would
give expression to your important value that was violated (the value in
column 1). These actions can take many forms. They can be small or
large, but they need to be something you could do today—even, right
now, if you were to set aside this book.
4. In column 4, list what has gotten in your way until now and
prevented you from taking action.
5. Now for the most important part of this exercise. Pick one of the
actions you listed in column 3 and do it—today. Don’t let anything in
column 2 take over, and don’t let column 4 stop you. Bring any
thoughts and feelings along for the ride. Find one that is doable now,
and take action.
Living a vital and meaningful life means taking actions that breathe life
into our most important values. One way to begin to do this is by identifying
bold moves that you can do every day, building new patterns of behavior over
time that create your meaning.
Mindless Living
A final obstacle to committed action may be the lure of living without
awareness. Throughout this book we’ve described mindfulness as “paying
attention, on purpose, in the present moment, without judgment” (Kabat-Zinn,
2009). We have encouraged you to practice mindfulness as a way to be more
fully present to the moment and your life. This is also a key part of engaging
compassion. Practicing mindfulness is an essential way to develop the skill of
noticing. We often fall out of touch with noticing due to our busy minds. This
causes problems in living in the moment and in choosing actions according to
our values.
Let’s explore a quick example. One amazing but challenging thing about
the human brain is its ability to perform certain tasks of daily living in the
background, without our having to think much about them. Remember when
you first learned to drive? You had to give your full attention to everything
you did and everything around you—it was a matter of survival! You were
intensely aware of pressing the gas pedal or the brake. You were aware of
steering the car and staying in the lane. You drove with absolute focus.
Chances are, though, that as you’ve gained experience your level of
awareness while driving has diminished. You now experience driving
differently. You can think and talk and do other things while driving. This is
fine most of the time. But sometimes we become completely unaware while
driving and miss our exit, or arrive somewhere with no recollection of how
we got there. Failing to pay full attention can lead to difficulties. It can also
lead to danger.
Similarly, in life, failing to take time to notice what’s present around us
and within us can also keep us from living our most important values. There
are a multitude of activities that can fill up our lives, many of which have the
potential to pull us into mindless living. We often mechanically move through
the day without noticing the here and now. Time passes, and that which is
most important to us slips away. Mindful living means regularly noticing
where you are at and where you are headed.
We can also find meaning and purpose through engaging in activities
that matter because they reflect our deepest values. Prioritizing these
important activities in the moment is the stuff of values-based living and can
bring us more joy and vitality. We cannot choose these activities, however, if
we move through life unaware. There is a fitting quote attributed to President
Dwight Eisenhower that expresses this idea: “What is important is seldom
urgent, and what is urgent is seldom important.”
Jump!
The word “jump” means “to spring free from the ground or other base by the
muscular action of feet and legs.” A person can jump in any direction:
forward, backward, or to the side. Jumping is an action. Thinking about
jumping is not jumping. Planning to jump is not jumping. Only jumping is
jumping. And once we jump, there’s no turning back. Gravity is in charge
until we land. To jump is a choice. One can jump at any moment, or not.
Committed action is like jumping. Once we let our values set the
direction, all that’s left to do is jump.
When you jump, it’s not that a part of you jumps. Your whole self goes
with you. You jump with your thoughts, feelings, and sensations. When you
spring into the air, all that you are comes along.
This is the simplicity of committed action. Jump or don’t jump—life will
unfold accordingly. To promote your own moral healing, to reclaim sources
of meaning and purpose in life, to renew sources of power and intention
within yourself…we invite you to jump.
(For extra practice read and complete the worksheet Turning Values into
Actions downloadable at http://www.newharbinger.com/44772.)
Conclusion
As we reach the end of the journey of this book, and you continue the journey
of healing from moral injury, we express our hopes for you and your ability to
live well. Healing from moral injury means opening up to joy and pain,
defusing from unhelpful thoughts, living more fully in the here and now, and
connecting to a sense of yourself that is much more than your emotions,
thinking, memory, and moral pain. You’ll find your path to a meaningful and
purpose-filled life by working on forgiveness and compassion, turning more
fully to living a values-based life, and persisting in committed actions. We
wish you well on this journey.
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Wyatt R. Evans, PhD, is a board-certified clinical psychologist with the VA
North Texas Health Care System, and therapist in private practice in the
Dallas-Fort Worth area. His primary areas of expertise are resilience and post-
traumatic stress, including moral injury. He is committed to advancing
interventions, especially acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), to
promote recovery and enhance resilience for service members, veterans, and
others highly affected by trauma.