"Themindcreatestheabyssandtheheartcrossesit.

" SriNisargadatta

NonviolentCommunication BeyondJudgmentandNiceness
LucyLeu,CertifiedTrainer,CenterforNonviolentCommunication

It'sFridayafternoon. Itwasalongweekandthenalongwait atthesupermarket,butfinallyyouarehome,armsloaded downwithgroceries. Youopenthedoorwhichgetscaught againstapileofdirtysocksthentripoveradozenvideo gamemagazinesandthreebagsofpotatochip(crumbs)on yourwaytothekitchen. Youreyessearchinvainamidstthe dishesandpotsonthecounterforanemptyspottodeposit yourgroceries. Sprawledonthecouchisyourteenageson, attentionrivetedontheTVscreentoasoundtrackof screechingbrakes,roaringenginesandburningrubber. Youlookatthemagazines,socksandfoodonthefloor,the potsanddirtydishesinthekitchen. Feelingsofexhaustion andagitationarise. Youareneedingmoreorderandbeauty inthisplaceofsanctuaryyoucallhome. Youwouldlikeyour sontoputawayhisthingsandcleanthedishesoutof appreciationforyourneedsorsimplyoutofhisownsenseof order. However,insteadofreferringtoyourfeelingsofagitationand needfororder,yousay,"Thishouseisamess,Felix,howcan youstandbeingsuchaslob? I'mnotresponsibleforpicking upafteryouallthetime,sopleasecleanup." IfFelixislike mostofus,hewilleitherresistorcomplywithyourdemand dependingonhowmuchguilt,shame,obligation,orfear(of punishmentorwithdrawalofyourlove)heexperiences. Ifhe doescomply,youarelikelytopayahighpriceforclean dishes. Thateveningofsharedwarmthandrelaxationyou've beenlongingformaysuddenlyturnintoachapterofthecold waroranoutrightbattle. Repeatthisscenarioovertimeand thepriceissteep:arelationshipmarredbyangerand alienationbetweenyouandyourson. Dr.MarshallB.Rosenberg,founderofNonviolent Communication(NVC),usestheterm"suicidallanguage":the moreweareinpainandarewantingotherstorespond,the morelikelywearetochoosewordswhichelicitno compassionaterecognitionofourneedswordswhich,in fact,repelanddisinclineotherstorespondtousintheway we'dlike. Forexample,ifIamupsetandwantingpeopleto behaveinawaythat'smoreinharmonywithmyvaluesor desires,Itendtoexpressmyselfthroughjudgmentsofthem asbeing"inappropriate,""immoral,""wrong,"etc. IfIwant someonewhohasadifferentpointofviewtoagreewithme,I mightlabelthem"stupid"or"ignorant." IfIamwantingmore intimacyinourrelationshipthanmypartnerdoes,Iregard

himas"coldandaloof."Ontheotherhand,ifheiswanting moreintimacythanIdo,Iregardhimas"needyand dependent." WhenIamwantingmoreunderstandingthanI amgettingfromsomeone,Icallthem"insensitive". IfI'mnot gettingtherespectI'dlikefromsomeone,Icallthem"idiots," "racists,""Feminazis,""bullies,""fanatics,"etc. Thiskindofthinkingandspeechleadstoselffulfilling prophecies:ifIamwantingsomeonetosharetheirresources, butexpressmyselfbycallingthem"greedy,"chancesarethey willrefusetoshare. Ithentakethisas"proof"thattheyare indeed"greedy." Becausetheonlysatisfactionweekeoutof thismodeofcommunicationisthatof"beingright,"alltoo ofteninourinteractionswespendourenergyprovingwho's rightandwronginsteadofdevotingourcombinedresources creativity,energy,intelligence,etc.togettingbothour needsmet. Unlikealanguagewhereweblameeachotherwhenweare notgettingwhatwewant,NVCemphasizesthejoywehumans derivefromourabilitytocontributetoeachother'swellbeing. Weexperiencedeepfulfillmentfromourpowertoengagein actionsandwordsthatcanrelieveandhelpthosewhoare sufferingapalpableneed. Allhumanshavetheneedbothto receiveandtoexpresscompassion. ThesymbolforNVCisthegiraffe. Notonlydogiraffeshave thelargestheartofanylandanimal,theirheightgivesthema longview. Giraffespeakersgivefromtheheart,andareable toseefarenoughtoknowtheconsequencesofgiftsthatdo notcomefromtheheart. NVCinspiresustogivewillingly tomeeteachother'sneedsmotivatedbycompassionrather thanbyguilt,shame,fear,obligation,extrinsicrewards,ora desiretobuyloveandapproval. Werespondtoeachother's needsfromtheheartnotoutof"gotto,""haveto,""must," "supposedto,""oughtto,"and"should." Ifcompassionisanaturalmovementoftheheartthatis inspiredbytheawarenessofanunfulfilledneed,andwewish torespondtoeachotheroutofcompassion,thenitmakes sense(1)toexpressourselvesinsuchawaythatourneeds areknowntoothers,and(2)tolistentoothersinawaythat allowsustoclearlysensetheirneeds. InGiraffelanguage,werelyonfourpiecesofinformationin ordertohonestlyexpressourselvestoothers,andwelisten empathicallyforthesesamefourpiecesofinformationwithin theirwords. We'llusetheexampleoftheparentaddressing herteenageson,andseehowshemighthaveexpressed herselfdifferently. 1.Thefirstpieceistheobservationof whatevertriggeredthespeaker'scurrentstate ofmind.Wedoourbesttostateour observationfreeofanyevaluation:"WhenI seevideogamemagazines,socks,andfoodon thefloor,andthesepotsanddirtydishesin

thekitchen..." (Not:"WhenIseethishugemess.") 2.Thesecondisthespeaker'sfeelingsin responsetowhatisobserved. Wedoourbest toidentifyanemotion,sensationorstateof mindthatisfreeofthoughts:"Ifeelexhausted andagitated...." (Not:"IfeelIshouldn'tleaveyouhomeby yourself.") 3.Thethirdistheunfulfilledneedthatis generatingthefeelingsmentioned. Wetryto identifyascloselyaspossibleauniversalneed orvalue,oratleastadesirestatedinpositive terms:"becauseIamneedingmoreorderand beautyinmyhome." (Not:"BecauseIdon'twanttocomehometoa pigsty.") 4.Thefourthpieceisarequestthatprovides thelistenerwithanopportunitytoexercise theirpowertorespondtothespeaker'sneed withsomethingimmediate,concrete,anddo able. Themotherofferssuchanopportunity tothesonbyasking:"Wouldyoubewillingto putawaythethingsonthefloorthatbelongto you,tossoutthegarbage,andwashthedishes inthesink?" (Not:"Wouldyouquitmakingsuchamessand dosomethingaboutthisroom?") Whenwerevealourfeelingsandneeds,weofferothersan arenawheretheycanexpresstheircompassion. Itisour vulnerabilitythatinspiresotherstowanttogivetousfromthe heart. Weallknowit'snofungivinggiftstosomeonewho doesn'tneedanything. Inaworld,however,wherepeoplehabituallyexpress themselvesbyblaming,analyzingandjudgingeachother,it mayseemdangerous,ifnotdownrightdumb,tobeexposing ourselvesinthisvulnerablefashion. Thatiswhyitis necessaryforustogrowourGiraffeears. Notonlydowe wanttobeabletoexpressourownfeelingsandneeds,itis equallyimportanttobeabletoheartheotherperson'sfeelings andneedsbehindtheirwords,gestures,orsilences. Ifmypartnercallsme"coldandaloof,"insteadofhearing judgment,Inowfocusmyattentiononhisfeelingsandneeds, andcheckthemoutwithhimifI'mnotsure:"Whenyousay thatIam'coldandaloof,'areyoufeelingsad,becauseyou haveaneedformoreintimacythanyou'regetting?" If someonecallsmestupid,Imaysensethatsheisfrustrated andwantingacknowledgmentorsupportforherviews. With Giraffeears,Ihearnojudgmentsofmyselforofothers,only feelingsandneedsmineandtheirs. AsDr.Rosenberg

explains,"Alljudgmentsaretragicexpressionsofunmet needs." Havingbeenschooledinthelanguageofthehead,mostofus areskillfulinanalyzing,diagnosingandlabellingpeople,but havedifficultysensingfeelingsandneedsandmakingor elicitingclearrequests. ItmaytakesometimetomasterNVC grammar,toexploreanddevelopanewvocabularyoffeelings andneeds,andtodevelopthefluencywedesire. Gradually,however,asourwordsflowoutofourownfeelings andneeds,andwelearnhowtoempathizewithothers throughGiraffeears,wediscoverthatwehavefreedourselves fromthecompulsionto"beright"or"benice." Ourspeech thenembodiesbothourdeepesttruthsandourdeepest compassion. NVCisasetofimmediatelyapplicableskillsas wellasalifelongpracticeofdevelopingconsciousness. Aswe increasemomenttomomentawarenessofthefeelingsand needsbehindallwordsandactions,wearetransformingthe worldforourselvesandforothers.

NonviolentCommunication(NVC):A SampleDialogue
Themotherbeginsthedialoguewithhersonbyexpressing herselfinclassicGiraffeusingthefourpieces:Observation, Feeling,Need,Request.

Mother:"WhenIseevideo gamemagazines,socksand foodonthefloor,andthese potsanddirtydishesinthe kitchen(O),Felix,Ifeel exhaustedandagitated(F), becauseIamneedingmore orderandbeautyinmyhome (N). Wouldyoubewillingto putawaythethingsonthe floorthatbelongtoyou,toss outthegarbageandwashthe dishesinthesink?"(R)
(IfFelixhadbeenraisedinaGiraffehome,hemayverywell hearhismother'sneedfororderandbemovedtorespond. Otherwise,hemayhearblameanddemandnomatterhowshe expressesherself.Fortunately,whenweuseNVC,wedon't needtheotherpersontobeNVCliterateallweneedisto makesurewehaveourGiraffeearson.)

Felix:"Orderandbeauty! Orderand beauty! Sordidandpukey! Mom,whydo youhavetobesocompulsiveabout everything? Really!" Mother(withGiraffeears,hearsnomockeryor accusation,becausesheislisteningonlyfor feelingsandneeds):"So,Felix,areyou feelingkindofirritatedbecauseyou'd reallylikemoreease...maybemore relaxationaroundthewaythehouse looks?" Felix:"Yeah,it'snotlikeit'ssuchabig deal. Imean,doyoureallythinkwe're gonnagetsickorsomethingbecause there'sstufflyingaroundandafewdirty dishes?" Mother(continuingtohearwhatFelixisfeeling andneedingbehindhiswordsratherthan gettinghookedintohisrhetoricalquestionof whatshe"reallythinks"):"Soundslike you'realittleannoyed,andwouldlikeme tounderstandthattherearenoharmful consequencestothethingsyoudoaround thehouse." Felix:"That'sright! It'sjustamatterof taste,andeveryone'sgottheirowntaste. SowhatIseeasorderisn'twhatyousee asorder. Buthowcomeyouhavethe righttoordermetomakeorderforyou?" TheMothertakestimetoempathizewithherselfinsilenceby gettingintouchwithherownfeelingsandneeds:"Ooh,when hetalksinthattone,IgetsoangryIwanttoscream, "BecauseI'mthemother,THAT'SWHY!" Sowhat'smyneed here? What'smyneed? Um,itsoundslikeIneedrespect, butperhaps...it'smorelikeconsiderationthatI'mneeding. Yeah,Iwanthimtoconsidertobeawareofhowmuchof mylifeIdevotetohiswellbeingjustoutofpureandsimple love,andforhimtofeelmoved,towanttodosomethingI mightask,insteadoftellingmethatI'morderinghimaround todosomethingforme." Havinggottenintouchwithherunfulfilledneed,themother sensesashiftinherselfsheisnolongerangryevenassheis awareofadeepsadness. Turningbacktotheconversation, shecanchooseeithertocontinuelisteningtoFelixorto expressherownfeelingsandneedsofthemoment. She choosestolistensomemore,knowingthathewillbemore abletohearherfeelingsandneedsafterhehasreceived adequateempathyandunderstandingforhisown.) Mother:"AmIhearingyousaythatyou wantsomerespectforyourautonomy?

Thatyou'dliketobeabletochoosewhat todotofulfillyourownsenseoforder, ratherthanhavetomeetsomeoneelse's senseoforder?" Felix:"That'sexactlyit,Mom. Idon'tsee whyit'salwaysgottobeyourstandards we'reusing. Ithoughtthiswasmyhome too." Mother:"You'dlikemoresayinhow standardsareset? ...Maybeforusto decidetogetherhowmuchorwhatkindof ordergetsestablished?" Felix:"Yeah,that'sright. Likeme,Idon't seethatthisplaceissuchanimpossible wreckrightnow." Mother:"Soareyouwantingmeto understandthatthepresentcondition meetsyourstandards?" Felix:"Yeah." (Silenceoradiminishingof wordsisoftenasignthatthepersonhas receivedadequateempathyfortheirfeelings andneeds.) Mother(guessingatFelix'srequest):"So wouldyoulikemetodiscussstandards withyousothatwecanarriveata commonagreement?" Felix:"Maybelater. I'mgettinghungry willyoumakedinnernow?" Mother(switchingfromempathyto expression):"Well,nowIamfeelingreally frustrated! Ididallthisshopping, boughttortelliniandthatreallyyummy sauce,butwhenIcomeinandseethe kitchencountersandsinkallfullofstuff,I don'tevenfeellikecooking. AsItold youbefore,Igettofeelingexhaustedand agitatedbecauseIneedmoreorderinmy environment. (Sigh) Felix,Ithinkit wouldhelpmeknowthatI'vebeen understoodifyouwerewillingtotellme whatyoujustheardmesay." (Shemakes arequestthataddressesherneedfor understanding.) Felix:"You'retiredandupsetanddon't feellikecookingbecauseImadesucha messinthehouse."

Mother:"Thankyou. Yes,Idofeeltired andupset. However,it'snotbecauseyou madesuchamess,butbecauseofmy ownneedfororderandbeauty." (Here sheisbeingcarefultotakeresponsibilityfor herownfeelings.) Felix(thinkssilently,then):"Tellyouwhat, Mom. Whydon'tyoujustdisappearinto yourorderlyroomandsoakupabigdose oforderandbeauty,whileIcookthe tortelliniandgetdinnerready. Then maybeafterweeat,Iwon'tbehungry andyouwon'tbetired,andwecanfigure outsomethingaboutcleaningup,okay?" Thedialoguemaycontinue,dependingonwhetherMotheris satisfiedwithFelix'ssuggestion. However,animportant changetakesplaceinthecommonsearchforsolutionswhen bothpartiesbecomeconvincedthattheirneedsare understoodbytheother. Dr.Rosenbergoncemediated betweentwotribesinNigeriainaroomwheresomeofthe participantshadchildrenwhohadbeenkilledbyothersinthe sameroom. Outofthatexperience,heconcluded,"Nomatter howbigtheissue,therewillbepeaceifeachpartytruststhat theirneedsmattertotheother. Ontheotherhand,no matterhowsmalltheissue,therewillbewarifoneorboth partiesbelievethattheotherpartydoesnotcareabouttheir needs." ThepurposeofNVCisnottomanipulateothersintodoing whatwewant,buttocreateaprocesswhereweconnectfrom theheart,heareachother'sneedsandfeelinspiredtoexercise ourpowertoenrichanotherperson'slife.
2000,LucyLeu. Pageupdated10/26/2000

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